My son’s 2nd adoption anniversary is this month. It’s so weird that he has only been my “legal” son for 2 years. It’s almost easy to forget how uncertain things were while I was fostering him and how I lived in fear that something would happen and CPS would take him from me. Now, he’s almost 4 and he has such a personality. He’s also starting to understand “adoption” a little more.
I know there’s so much controversy on celebrating Adoption Days. I don’t really look at is as “celebrating,” I look at it more like “remembering”... talking about how we became a family & reflecting on it. I think as my son gets older that he will have more say in how and what we do to “commemorate” our adoption.
I actually don’t call it “adoption day” or “gotcha day.” I don’t really like those phrases. I refer to it as our “Family Day.” Now that baby boy has arrived, I’m planning to integrate both of their stories in our “family day” tradition. We have a unique situation where one Child is adopted and one Child is donor conceived through IVF. I think I only know (virtually) one other person that has a similar situation as me.
Technically, I can let Family Day slide and not do anything... but for me, it took a lot to build my family - it’s been a long journey for me. My boys don’t know anything more than just being in our family. But it’s important for me that they both grow up knowing their stories & how they came to be here, in our family. For my older son, that he knows his birth story and how he came into foster care. For my baby boy, for him to know he was donor conceived. Both of their stories have love and loss, but it’s their stories, their beginnings. It doesn’t define them, but it’s a part of them. As their mother, I feel it’s my responsibility to provide them with their stories. What they do with it as they get older and how they feel about it, will ultimately be up to them. Whether my son decides to get in contact with his birth family will be up to him. Whether my son decides to contact his donor will be up to him.
Now, I’m not shoving it down their throats!! But I do want my boys to become comfortable with the terms and verbiage of their births. Adoption is not a bad thing. Donor conceived is not a bad thing. It’s our family’s story. But most importantly, our family story is rooted in love.
I watched the 6 minute adoption video from my son’s adoption hearing. I can’t watch that video without crying...!!! It’s kind of a funny video because the hearing was during nap time and my son was throwing his toys, laughing, trying to run everywhere, and being all 2 year old “him.” I was trying to contain him, keep him entertained, and answer the questions from the lawyers — at the same time. It’s really fun to watch. Even today, almost 2 years later - I can’t believe how lucky I am to have been chosen to be his Mama.
When I talk to my son, I tell him that God brought us together to make us a family. Now, my son repeats that phrase to me and he’s started including baby brother, “and God brought baby brother too.” :) I find it funny because when I ask him who’s apart of our family, he says “Mama, baby brother, me, Suki (our dog), our house, our car.”
I’m sure this new tradition of celebrating our Family Day will change and merge and evolve. This year, this is what we are doing:
- I FINALLY finished my son’s adoption book!!!! I’m going to give it to him and read it to him. I made a photo book that has pictures of his birth parents and his time in foster care all the way through our adoption day. As the years go on, I’m planning to add to it. Add more age appropriate verbiage. Add more pictures. Add a family tree, as he has two!
- Bake a cake or brownies together. Light candles, kinda like a “prayer” for: his birth family, our forever family, all those that help foster children (judges, social workers, GAL’s, foster agencies, etc.), all the foster children to find permanency, & baby brother’s donor family.
Eventually, we will add baby brother’s story to the “reading” of how we became a family. I need to make it first!!! (I’m so behind on photo books!). Right now, I plan for each to have their “own” books. But one day, I think it might be nice to have a “combined” book that we read that includes some of my story on fostering and going through fertility treatments.
I also would like to volunteer on National Adoption Day with the boys, when they’re older.
One thing I will be doing this year is “adopt a child.” My company works with a local shelter to help provide a “wish list” for Christmas. It’s actually the same shelter my foster agency works with, so it’s near to my heart as one of my foster Kids came from the shelter. This year, I’m going to “adopt a child” and have my son help me pick things for him/her. I’m going to talk about foster care and giving.... try to make it an annual thing.
As our 2 year adoption-versary is just a few days away... I feel so grateful for our little family. For my boys. I pray that I do right by them and set them up to be kind & happy men.
... and that I don’t screw them up! Lol ;)
