Plan A
Every since I was a little girl, I had always wanted to have children. I had big dreams about having birth children and adopting. My "Plan A" approach was always in this order: fall in love, get married, have birth children, provide foster care, and adopt.
When I turned 28, I started seriously considering the "what if's" about Plan A not working out. I had just moved to a new state, was away from all my friends/family, and I was finding it difficult to meet any new quality men. I tried a bunch of stuff: online dating, volunteering, getting involved in the community, speed dating, singles events, etc. But it just wasn't happening for me.
Starting to think about Plan B
When I was 28, I wasn't ready to give up on Plan A. But I also didn't want to give up on living the life I wanted because of the lack of finding a partner. At that time I started looking into having my own birth child using donor sperm. I had given myself a "deadline" of sorts, that if I reached 33 and I still haven't met someone, that I would pursue having a birth child. I just wasn't really ready to do it at 28. I also didn't want to be too old and from my research at the time, 35 seemed like where the big fertility decline would start happening. So, 33 seemed like a good time to start.
Things with Plan A weren't working out and I wasn't ready for Plan B (I wrote about it a little bit here). At that time in my life I felt like it would've been selfish for me to move forward with having my own child. When I read through my old diaries, I think part of it was I wasn't really ready to become a single mom yet. I was scared of all the ways my life would change and I didn't know if I was ready for that at 28, without a husband. Not to mention, I still had big hopes of meeting someone and wasn't ready to let that go yet.
That's when I started looking into foster care.
Plan C: Foster Parenting
I always knew that I wanted to be a foster parent and that I eventually wanted to adopt. I figured, why not now? Due to some big family drama, I ended up holding off until I was 30 to move forward with becoming a foster parent.
Why fostering and not adopt? I often get asked why I went into being a foster parent and not just doing straight adoption. As I mention under my Plan B, I just don't think I was ready to be a single mom yet. But I still wanted to help children, which has always been a dream of mine. I figured that I'll become a foster parent and if/when one of my foster children became eligible for adoption, I can pass that bridge when it came. That it was all in God's hands.
I just didn't want my Plan A to stop me from living my life or put me "on hold" from pursing things.
Living Plan C: Being a Foster Parent
I have to admit that being a foster parent is probably a lot more difficult than just having your own kids! I didn't know that at the time. I had big ideals of helping children, helping reunify them with their parents, and that life would go on as it should. That's not really how it happened.
As a foster parent, you are under such scrutiny (which I understand -- but doesn't make it easier to live through it). You are limited on your parenting techniques, there's a huge time commitment - more so than having your own birth child (monthly visits, required appointments, transporting the child to meetings, court hearings, etc), and not to mention the incredible emotional attachment you have to your foster kids. Loving a child goes beyond sharing genetics. Not only that, you become an advocate, you become their voice, you fight for their best interests.
Plan A? Yeah --> Not happening at this point. There was no way I could meet someone when I had rotating foster children. Saying goodbye to my foster kids was not only hard for me, but was hard for all the other people that knew my kids. Not only that, my "extra time" was non-existent. My life quickly started revolving around my foster children and there really wasn't room for anything else.
Plan B? Yeah --> Not happening at this point. I was so invested in my foster kids and committed to helping more kids, that 33 came and I thought, "Maybe Plan B isn't for me and I can adopt?"
Being a foster parent and saying goodbye to all my kiddies was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to live through... At this point in my journey I knew I wanted to move forward with adoption, but I was still committed to being a foster parent. As a foster parent, I was very dedicated to helping reunify children with birth family. A bit of conflicting feelings there --> temporary care vs. permanency / adoption. The most difficult part about saying goodbye to my foster children was that once they were gone -- there was a time where I had no children in my home. It was during those times that I really missed being a mom and missed having children around. It was such an empty void in my heart and in my home. That's when I absolutely knew that I was finally ready to become a single mother. I had started contemplated domestic infant adoption or going straight adoption through the foster care system.
Plan D: Adoption
What's interesting is that I had started looking back into Plan B in November 2013. I was 33, almost 34 at the time, and I was between foster care placements. I started to get that "feeling" back of wanting to experience pregnancy, giving birth, and having my own birth child. Not to mention that I had some serious heartbreaks from saying goodbye to some of my foster kids... I was at a point where I felt completely 100% ready to be a single mom, either through adoption or through having my own birth child. I even scheduled an appointment with an RE for a consult. What stopped me was my insurance coverage! I didn't realize the hefty $$ of TTC. At 33 and 34 years old, they had the requirement of trying for 12 months without success before infertility coverage kicked in (medicated and monitored). So, I decided to wait until 35 (when I only needed 6 cycles to get coverage), save money, and take some time to really think about pursing Plan B again.
Well, the very next month (December 2013) I received my next foster child, Lucky #7 -- my Little Guy, my forever son -- he is my first and only foster child that became eligible for adoption while he was in my care. I talk about his adoption timeline here. There were rocky times during his placement that I wasn't sure if I would be able to adopt him or not. There were times where I felt completely broken and lost at the thought of him leaving me. I remember going straight to church after a court hearing and just crying in the pews and asking for strength and acceptance. I'm grateful every single day to call him my Forever Son and be his Mama. In a lot of ways, he's changed my life for the better and I can't imagine my life without him.
Back to Plan B
As I mentioned, things were pretty rocky with my son's foster care placement. When my son was about to turn 1 years old and I was about to turn 35, I decided I would move forward with TTC and trying to build my family. I still managed to take two more foster children while I was moving forward with adopting my son and going through fertility treatments. That's really where this blog started and most of it's documented here so I won't totally recap it... the struggles of TTC, infertility, and almost 2 years of fertility treatments. Now, I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant and expecting my baby boy to arrive in a few more weeks.
Sometimes I look back and wonder how the heck I was able to go through fertility treatments, take in two of my hardest foster children, and go through my son's adoption -- all at the same time. What was I thinking? I'm just tired thinking about it now... LOL. Somehow though, I managed!
Thoughts on Plan A
I would lie if I said that I don't mourn Plan A. Every now and then I get really sad about it and wish I had someone to share my joys about my son and about my new baby boy. I also wish at times that I had someone to tag-team with! Especially being pregnant, my energy levels are so low and the fatigue is killer.
But in reality, I have no regrets about my path. My path led me to my son and it led me to make this precious baby boy. If just one thing was different, I wouldn't have my boys and they are everything to me.
I also can't really imagine co-parenting. I mean, it's great in "theory" thinking about sharing the joys and tag-teaming and all... The grass is always greener, right? But I like the independence I have in parenting the way I want to, in making decisions, and I like that I'll never have to worry about custody arrangements or being separated from my kids.
I also don't know if I have the energy or time to try and "build" anything if I do meet someone! My energy goes towards my kids. Right now, I'm fine with that. I have given up on Plan A happening, since I believe that my life has happened just the way it was meant to and in the right order to get me to this exact point. But I'm not closed off to a possible Plan E in the future, if that's where life takes me. There sure are some hot / available single dads or single men out there, right?! ;) LOL. I don't admit it much, but I am a romantic at heart.
Of course there are down-sides to being a single parent. Making every decision, while nice, is sometimes hard when you have no one else to bounce the ideas off of who is 100% invested in the decision as you are. Then there's the constant worry that something will happen to me and then the crazy concern of my kid's lives being changed so drastically... However, one can worry and worry about all the "What If's" that can happen in life. There are no guarantees of course. I just have to pray that God will take care of my boys no matter what. That's one reason I'm so diligent about keeping all my Estate Planning up-to-date and current, because that's the only thing I can do to make sure they're ok if something were to happen - the rest is in God's hands.
Being a Single Mom
As I mentioned, my "Plan A" approach was always in this order: fall in love, get married, have birth children, provide foster care, and adopt.
My actual "Life" happened in this order: provide foster care, adopt, have birth children. Maybe there's a "fall in love" and "get married" in my future -- that's still to be seen and still to be written.
All and all, I don't have any regrets. I love my son more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I feel like I was meant to be his Mama. I've written this before, but I truly believe that God brought us together. In all of life's random moments and happenings, I feel like God chose me to be his Mama. Every night when we go to sleep, I tell my son "I am so happy and lucky to be your Mama." We pray every night and the first thing we do is thank God for making us a family. I mean it every single time I say it. No matter how bad the day was or what bad thing happened, I will always be grateful for this wonderful son of mine.
For my new baby boy, my heart can just burst with anticipation to meet him for the first time and see his little face. If I had chosen any other time to move forward with TTC or if I chose not to ever pursue Plan B or if any of my other 10 cycles had worked -- I wouldn't have this perfect little person growing inside me right now. He is my little miracle. It's a little strange to think I've been working up to this moment -- the moment of my baby boy's birth. From my first "thoughts" of becoming a single mother in 2008, to my first call to a fertility clinic in November 2013, to my first RE meeting in November 2014, to my positive pregnancy test in September 2016, to his soon-to-be birth in May or June of 2017. I can't wait to meet him and for him to meet his big brother and for my son to have a baby brother. For my little family of three to forge down this path of life together. It truly feels like a dream come true at times.
Life works in mysterious ways. It's always funny to step back and just look at your life's path and think that you are exactly where you need to be and all is how it should be.
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