30w+6d: First Antenatal Therapist Appointment

I had my official first therapy appointment for antenatal depression. I didn't really have time to think about the appointment prior to going and had no expectations going in. I'm basically getting treated for Anxiety and for Depression related to pre-natal depression.

I'm not sure how open I'll be about my therapy sessions on this blog... I'll have to see what my comfort level is as I go along. For this first session, it was mostly discussing my situation with my mother. Since there are a lot of complications with our relationship and her interest in my life is really new to me since we reconnected in December. Plus, she's coming to help with the baby -- and I have major worries about how that's going to go, especially considering our history.

The therapy session went ok for the most part. I'm glad I'm getting the help now vs. waiting until postpartum. I'm hoping that it'll give me the tools and resources to deal with PPD if I end up experiencing it. I also hope to avoid taking any medications postpartum, if the therapy sessions help.

The goal is to meet every 2 weeks. However, she was totally booked for the rest of April, so I couldn't schedule an appointment until May.

Next Steps: Appointments scheduled for May 5 and May 19.

27w+3d: Antenatal Depression Therapist Intake

I had my intake with the therapist this morning regarding the antenatal depression. I'm not sure if I'm going to like the therapist or not, hard to tell with just the intake.

First impressions of the therapy practice: they're really busy! Had a bunch of people in there first thing this morning. I had to wait a little past my appointment time before I got to go in. Therapist kept an eye on the clock the entire time. The office location is also pretty far from my house, I'd prefer something closer.

The intake questions were weird to answer because it's hard to say what is pregnancy-related vs. life-related.

Will see how this goes. I scheduled my first therapy appointment. I'm willing to give this a try at least through postpartum.

The issue I have is the time commitment. I already have so many appointments, which are just going to start increasing the further along I get.

The other issue I have is, I don't know if therapy is really going to help me. I guess I haven't had good experiences in the past, so I'm skeptical. Some people interview therapists to find a good one, but I just don't have the time/energy to do that right now.

As I said though, I'll give it a try and see what happens.

Next Steps: 4/7/17 1st appointment

25w+2d: MFM Diabetes Appointment

I had my MFM Appointment yesterday to go over my food log. It wasn't very good... I've had a pretty hectic schedule the last few weeks and I haven't been able to log as good as I have been. They weren't bad... just some really bad food choices and then not consistently checking my after-meal glucose levels. My blood pressure was good at 110/68.

We are only making one change this week on my Humulin N morning value. Going up from 20 to 22 iu. The goals for the next two weeks: 1) consistently log after-meal glucose levels and 2) make better food choices.

Antenatal Depression 

I actually wonder how much of the antenatal depression has to do with me not being disciplined enough to check my glucose levels?

I asked my MFM that and she said that she doesn't think it's the antenatal depression, it's probably more the stress from my schedule impacting everything and making the depression worse.

We discussed how I've been feeling lately and I was honest and told her that things haven't gotten much better... so it's a good thing I have a therapist appointment on 3/14 scheduled. We did talk about medication again... The main reason I'm hesitant to take medications is because the drug will go through the placenta and the baby will experience the effects of the drugs. I don't feel good about that... In certain cases, it's better that this happens because the alternative can be really bad... But I just don't know if that's what's best for me. Also, I feel "so close" to the big due date... about 13 weeks left. Can I hold off till then?

The other good thing about seeing a therapist is that after the baby is born, they can put me on meds right away since it won't impact the baby at that point. I did ask about breastfeeding, but she said it doesn't have the same impact as in-utero. The odds of me having postpartum depression are really high for me at this point. I won't be hesitant to take meds after the baby is born. I'd prefer NOT to... but I'll do what I have to do and what my therapist will recommend.

Lots to think about really where all of this antenatal depression is concerned. One problem I'm having is I feel sooooo busy that I don't have any time to just "be" and think about things. Because of this, I think I'm not processing things very well or have time to come to terms with things. There's just so much to do all of the time. I feel so behind.

Post-Pregnancy

Sometimes my brain lives far in the future thinking about things. I had some questions about post-pregnancy. Mainly, what do I do with my diabetes and insulin after baby is born? I guess it depends, I can go back on Metformin or I can take half the dosage of the insulin. Will see how that goes. My MFM is going to refer me to a diabetes specialists. Previously, I was just seeing a regular doctor to manage my diabetes. I think going forward, I'd prefer to see someone that specializes in it to get better care.

Next Steps: MFM Visit on 3/14 for U/S to check growth and Diabetes follow-up

Pre-Natal Depression

I've been meaning to post on the fact that I may have pre-natal depression (AKA antenatal depression). It's not something easy to talk about or admit... It's not talked about very much and many people have never heard about it before -- including me.

I started to suspect that I may be exhibiting signs of depression a few weeks ago. I first mentioned it in my blog post at 23 weeks and would say I started noticing signs of it after my big bleed at 20 weeks.

I don't know what to say about it... accept to maybe just say how I've been feeling.

I've been feeling really angry.
I'm highly irritable.
I'm short-tempered.
I'm not parenting as I'd like.
I'm not motivated.
Things that should motivate me -- don't motivate me anymore.
Old "hurts" have resurfaced and feel fresh.
I have some self-loathing feelings.
I have been very anti-social, more than usual.
I feel like I've been "living in my head" if that makes sense.
I feel very sad the majority of the time.
It's hard for me to function normally.
I have little to no energy to give.

That's just scratching the surface really. I do realize that some of this can be due to my pregnancy hormones and some of it can be "normal" pregnancy-related stuff. But I know the depths of my feelings are beyond just the "normal."

So, what to do about it? 

The easy thing would be to ignore it! It crossed my mind many times. I can act normal and no one would know the difference. But then I had to think about my baby boy and how it would impact him -- there's some scary stuff out there on how antenatal depression impacts babies in utero... That's the big thing for me -- what can I do about this?

I've told my MFM about it, I'm planning to talk to my OB about it on Friday. My MFM did a referral to a therapist, which I have scheduled in a few weeks. I have a feeling medication might come into play here... but I don't want to take any meds. But I worry that my preconceived notions of antidepressants may get me into trouble and may impact my pregnancy negatively... so I'm trying to keep an open mind and not shut the door on possible remedies.

Those that suffer from antenatal depression often experience postpartum depression... Which sucks big time thinking that even if things get "resolved" for the remainder of my pregnancy that I may suffer doubly after my baby is born...

Admitting I'm going through this is hard.

Talking about it is hard.

I want to feel empowered to just "soldier on" through this and to "deal with it" and move on. But I can't. Every time I thought that maybe the depression cloud has lifted, I'm faced with more of it - more anger and more bad thoughts. It also sucks because now there's "this" on top of everything else that needs to be taken care of in life... It just feels like a lot to have to deal with and then that adds to my pile of crappy depressive thoughts. Sometimes I just feel like I'm in this big mighty storm that I can't escape.

I just wanted to provide an update and I was tempted to not post about it again...  as I mentioned, it's not easy to talk about or to even admit to myself -- yet alone others.

I'm hoping for good insight from my OB on Friday (very doubtful) and I'm also hoping I like the therapist. Will see how I manage to get through all this.