FET #2 (Cycle 11): Beta #6 = 2122.3

It's interesting, my entire TTC journey has not gone AT ALL how I pictured it. I thought that once I received a beautiful two line POSITIVE pregnancy test that I would just be over the moon and excited. And yes, I was and am, excited... at the possibilities of IF everything goes well. Instead of a "YES, I'm finally pregnant!! WOOHOO!" reaction, I've had a very cautious - stressful - and uncertain few weeks.

I received my first positive pregnancy test that was "clear" on 9/29/16, not a squinter. My reaction? I couldn't believe it... is this really happening? Then, I had beta #1 on 9/30/16 and got a 30 HCG level.

Since I've been "around" for a while with TTC and have read many blogs and read through many forums, I knew that 30 was extremely low. Instead of the excitement I had hoped for, I've been living in a sort of trepidation that this hope of IF was going to turn out badly.

I know what everyone says... "Just enjoy it for now," "Worry when you have to worry," "Think positive." Yeah yeah, nothing I haven't told myself already!

Here's the thing, I've suffered from infertility and it's been a struggle, a complete and utter struggle, just to keep trying to have a baby. Every time I've been excited or happy at the IF possibilities, nothing came from it. I can't even explain the depth of my fear of being happy about this pregnancy that once I think "this is it" that it'll be taken away.

I feel like things are still so uncertain...

I will say that I'm extremely happy that my beta's have been doubling pretty steadily. I have "beta envy" for those that have strong betas early on. Suffering through blood draw to blood draw has been excruciating. I just feel like I can't relax. Every time I go to the bathroom, I'm scared I'll see blood. Every time I get a cramp, I worry that the pregnancy is over. Every time my boobs hurt a little less, I worry that it's a bad sign.

Yet through all the worry, the anxiety, the fear... I am pregnant! It feels so weird saying that out loud and typing it here.

Beta #6 came back today = 2122.3! This is really good and shows consistent doubling time. Numbers all together from Beta Base:

I am so happy that my number finally got about 1500, which means I could schedule an ultrasound. Originally the nurse wanted to schedule for Monday, which would be 6 weeks (w) and 2 days (d). There is more of a chance to see the baby and the heartbeat at 6 weeks. The issue is, my work schedule is chaotic next week with a deadline and other work commitments that I wouldn't be able to manage getting in until maybe Wednesday - an entire week from today!! Ugh. So I asked if she could get me in this Friday instead. She was hesitant because I'll be on the "cusp" of being able to see something or nothing. On Friday, I would be considered 5w + 6d. The only thing they should "for sure" see is the gestational sac and maybe the yolk sac. If I'm lucky, we would be able to see the baby and a heartbeat. But it's early, so she told me not to be disappointed if we don't see anything more than the gestational sac. 

They'll also be able to confirm that everything is where it should be, as far as where the baby implanted - making sure the baby is in my uterus. Also, to check how many implanted. I'm guessing with my low numbers that only one embryo implanted. But you never know. It'll be nice to confirm if there's one or two. 

I'm feeling excited... anxious... nervous... worried... STILL! Ugh. But with each step going in the right direction, I'm starting to slowly feel better about things. The ultrasound will be a big step and hopefully give me some comfort that there is indeed a baby in there! 

Next Steps: 

• 10/14/16: Early Ultrasound at 5w+6d. 

Click the hyperlink for more details on FET #2, IVF Cycles, or TTC journey.

FET #2 (Cycle 11): Beta #4 & #5

I've been meaning to post! But I normally do my updates on my phone app & since I did my phone upgrade, the app has been crashing! Writing posts in my phone browser is not very productive. I just haven't had time to get on my home computer to type. 

Well, I had beta #4 last Friday & here were the results: 

Yes... I POAS on beta day! At least the line finally got darker.

Then I had beta #5 today, here were the results:

All together from the beta base: 

Today was my last FRER and I won't be buying more!!! I posted my betas with my HPT because I did so many internet searches trying to find a correlation! I'm sure there's not one, but here they are progressively getting darker.

I have to admit that I was a little worried that my doubling time seems to have slowed down... it's still doubling within the "normal" range of 48-72 hours. But I can't help but worry. It's hard when I see other people's betas being so high and tripling and all that. Makes me feel like maybe something is wrong. I know everyone is different, blah blah... but it doesn't ease my worry much.

I will have a more in-depth entry when I have time to sit at my computer and type, just wanted to get this update out as I was so far behind!

I have beta #6 on Wednesday. If my levels get to over 1500, I can have a viability ultrasound. So really hoping I get to do that this week...!

Next Steps: 

• 10/12/16: Beta #6

Click the hyperlink for more details on FET #2, IVF Cycles, or TTC journey.

FET #2 (Cycle 11): Beta #3 = 203.3

I had my beta #3 yesterday and I got good news! Doubling time is 37.2 hours! 

8dpt5dt [13 dpo], 9/30/16 = 30
11dp5dt [16 dpo], 10/3/16 = 83.1

13dp5dt [18 dpo], 10/5/15 = 203.3

I took another digital in the morning of my beta and it came out to 2-3 weeks. It only shows that if HCG is over 200, so I was really hopeful going into my test that my levels would be over 200. 

I know I should stop POAS and today, I didn't! So yay :) I might reserve them for beta days. But I'm not planning on buying any more. I can't really tell if they're darker and the test line is always lighter than the control line. It's not a real science anyways! Only blood work can really tell you how things are going. 

Here is an HCG level chart. I'm considered 4 weeks right now, so my levels are just about in the middle of this. 

I'm not really sure how I should feel at this point... I'm thrilled and in almost disbelief that my numbers keep doubling. There's so much possibility in that. I'm just so scared to look too far forward at this point. So for now, it's bloodwork to bloodwork... then hopefully make it to the viability ultrasound at 6-7 weeks. That will be truly telling on where things are and if everything is truly ok. But it's still a long - long road to that point. I have at least another week of bloodwork to get through to make sure the doubling continues. My RE wants my levels to be at 1500 prior to scheduling an ultrasound and that feels like a long way away!

Still cautiously optimistic... and very hopeful. Praying that all goes well with beta #4 tomorrow and doubling continues.

Next Steps: 

• 10/7/16: Beta #4

Click the hyperlink for more details on FET #2, IVF Cycles, or TTC journey.

IUI #7 (Cycle 10) - Beta Test Results

Cycle 10 and IUI #7 = BFN. I knew the odds were relatively low for this IUI to work... but I still hoped it would miraculously be the crazy cycle that worked. No such luck.

Not to mention that I got AF this morning prior to going for my Beta test. So, I knew this would be the outcome. Which is weird, I've never spotted or got my period while on progesterone before! Out of all my cycles, this has never happened. Just another oddity to add to Cycle 10.

I tried so hard not to do a home pregnancy test, I really did! But at 10dpIUI I was really itching to POAS. By 12dpIUI, I caved. I did end up testing early on 12dpIUI. Stark white negative result.

My RE is so nice. He called me personally, which I never can get used to! He's never called for my IUI results, only for the IVF results. But I guess there was an exception because of the IVF cancellation that converted to an IUI. He sounds almost just as frustrated as I do that I'm not pregnant!

I have to admit that I'm really disappointed it didn't work. But I think my disappointment stems from this ENTIRE cycle just being horrible. From AF not starting on time, to my medication issues, to not stimming well, to the IVF cycle being converted to an IUI, to the sperm almost not arriving on time for the IUI. It's just been one F'd up rollercoaster of a cycle.

I feel like I wasted 2 months of my life with this cycle and I could've just did a FET or something else. Instead of flushing money down the IVF drain to not even get to an egg retrieval. So lame.

I'm glad this cycle is over. Now, I get to move on and leave the bitterness in the past. I need to turn the POSITIVE back on. I'm not really sure how to do that... TTC has really been one disappointment after another. For the most part, I think I've dealt with the rollercoaster pretty well. But this cycle really got the best of me.

What's Next? 

I had a few choices on what to do next:

1. Do another full IVF retrieval 
2. Do a FET 
3. Do an IUI 
4. Do nothing 

Option #1: I was thinking and thinking and thinking about the possibility of doing another IVF retrieval. With IVF #3 being converted to an IUI, most of my payment didn't get applied - which means I have a credit at my RE's office. I can use those funds to pay for another full IVF retrieval. Which means I can afford to cash roll another IVF cycle. 

But the thought of going through all that again... Right now, it's just too much. I don't want to go through stims again. Not right now. Emotionally, I'm still too bitter from Cycle 10 to contemplate going through it again. Plus, I stopped my supplements the day of IUI #7 and if I do another retrieval I want to make sure I have a few months to take supplements prior to a retrieval. 

Option #1 has a lot against it, so I opted against it. 

Option #3: I thought about doing IUI's, but why do another IUI when I have 2 frozen embryos? 

Option #4: I'm not ready to give up yet! 

That leaves Option #2: A Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) 

Doing a FET feels right. FET's are less stressful. Plus, I have 2 frozen embryos. These embryos aren't PGS tested... which worries me so much. But the cost analysis doesn't make sense to test just 2 embryos. Plus, there's the potential to lose the embryos with the thaw/biopsy/re-freeze part. 

Then there's another choice: transfer 1 or transfer 2 embryos? 

My RE said that since I've had two failed transfers, he's recommending transferring both my embryos. He said the odds are the same at this point to transfer 1 or 2, that it'll most likely lead to a singleton pregnancy. Basically, he thinks the risk for twins is low. I have been very twin risk-adverse up to this point. 

So the plan is... FET #2 in September and transferring 2 embryos. Oh my....!!! 

I actually have my baseline ultrasound tomorrow and will be put on birth control pills. Basically, jumping right into FET #2. 

How Do I Feel? 

I had a very difficult and emotional July! I know most of it was because of the medications enhancing my emotions. But man... I cried a lot and got into sad/depressed states. It was pretty ugly. Not like I was crying everyday or non-functional. But it was pretty bad for me. At the same time, I'm glad that I cried it out and got my frustration out. I've been feeling like a "good little TTC soldier" and kept moving forward after each disappointment... that I didn't really let myself cry more than just a little bit. I think Cycle 10 just over filled my emotional bucket and I had to let it all out. 10 cycles of disappointments. Tens of thousands of dollars spent. Getting close to 2 years of trying to have a baby.  

So, I'm glad this chapter is over and I have a plan for the next steps. I was so bitter the entire month, I wasn't sure if the next steps would be "clear" or that I would even want to do anything. I was thinking, "Maybe I need a break from all this." 

When I got my negative pregnancy test, I started to think about what I should do next. When I thought about doing the FET and transferring 2 embryos... I felt at peace with that decision. I always felt bad that I was "giving up" on my last 2 embryos from IVF #2, since the other 2 didn't stick. I really wanted to PGS test them to get a clearer picture on egg quality. But nothing to be done on that at this juncture. 

I feel really good about moving forward with the FET and I feel so much less stress about it all. 

Here's the plan: 

• September: FET #2. 

If it doesn't work...

• Nov or Dec or Jan (Holiday travel schedule will impact when I'll move forward): Try another Egg Retrieval 
• I'll probably try an IUI or two during the IVF-wait period, if I have the time in between cycles to do them. 

But there's always the possibility that FET #2 works... it'll be a miracle! 

I always try to imagine what that "moment" would look like, to actually get 2 lines on one of those damn evil pregnancy tests and to get a happy phone call from my RE with positive beta results. I really hope that one day that moment will happen and all the wonderful moments that'll trickle after that. 

Here's to adding HOPE back into my bucket. 

Next Steps:

• Stop all IUI Medications 
• 8/5/16: FET #2 Baseline Ultrasound 
• 8/19/16: Scheduled WTF meeting with RE for Cycle #10. I want to discuss what he would change if I did another Fresh IVF cycle (in the event FET #2 doesn't work). Got to stay one step ahead of the game on this... 

FET #1 (Cycle 9): Still not Pregnant

I'm 9dp5dFET on my NINTH cycle and still NOT pregnant.

To date, this was probably the most bitter I've been during the TWW. So-so-so bitter. A little bit angry as well. I just can't believe I'm still here, still trying, and nothing has worked. IUI's didn't work and now IVF isn't working. Will I ever have a baby? Very frustrated. Very sad. Thoughts swirling in my mind on: when do I call it quits?

Early Testing:

I decided to test early and often this cycle. It fulfills the POAS-a-holic in me. No HCG trigger with a FET means no false positive, which is nice. I used two different tests:

1) Clincial Guard (CG). This is an Internet cheapie, similar to Wondfo. I wasn't happy with Wondfo when I used them for my IUI's. So decided to try a new brand. Clinical Gaurd has a sensitivity of 25 miu. They worked pretty good. 

2) First Response Early Results (FRER). These are supposedly more sensitive. I haven't used a FRER for awhile since I kept getting negatives. Supposedly these are the most sensitive tests on the market reading as low as 6.5 miu. 

How my testing went:

4dpt - HPT CG: Negative. I knew it was early to test, but couldn't help myself. I was so good about waiting to test on IVF #2, that I just needed to test more this FET. This is when I decided to order FRER tests, since it detects lower HCG levels. 

5dpt - HPT CG: Negative. Might still be early to test... But starting to really have doubts it worked. 

6dpt - HPT CG: Negative. Real doubts of another negative cycle are becoming a reality. Starting to consider next steps if this FET doesn't work. 

7dpt - HPT FRER: Negative.  In my mind, the cycle is over & it didn't work. It was the whitest test EVER. Suckiest part - I still have to take ALL my meds including the *f-ing PIO. Boo! 

8dpt - Decided not to test. What's the point? 

9dpt - Woke up at 2am and decided to test on the FRER as a long shot. What did I see? The faintest of faintest lines. I almost didn't see it and was about to go back to sleep with my sleepy eyes. You can barely see it in the picture, but IRL it's a little more visible.

I haven't had a positive on a test since IUI #1 where I had a false positive (probably from my trigger shot). So, I decided to test on the CG and get a Negative. This had me wondering: 

• The FRER was defective. 
• Maybe my HCG is really low, must be under 25 miu if the CG couldn't pick up a positive. FRERs are more sensitive. 
• It also gave me a little bit of HOPE that maybe - just maybe - this cycle worked. Which is horrible, because it didn't... and I had to wait all day for the Beta test to confirm. 

This is probably the only time where I've tested and I wish I hadn't... The wait between my 2am POAS escapades and my Beta Test results which came back at 3pm felt like a life time. 

Beta Results: Big Fat Negative.

Yet another BFN........ 

I'm thinking I am totally adverse to early testing now. A line on a FRER is normally golden, no matter how faint it is. I was already accepting this cycle didn't work and that damn FRER had me thinking maybe it worked. Ugh. 

I don't have many words right now. I have to say, I wasn't shocked it didn't work. I didn't cry (yet). I am just angry. I'm so upset that I keep putting my body through all of this & the result is always the same. It's almost like it's pointless to keep going... But it can't be right? There still has to be hope somewhere? Ugh. I'll post a more thorough depressing entry later after I'm able to process through my feelings better. Right now, I'm just mad and upset and frustrated. 

The good about the cycle not working: 

1. I get to stop those horrible PIO shots. 
2. I get to stop the yucky Vaginal Estrace (blue-green discharge is gross!). 
3. I get to drink coffee again. Haven't had coffee in forever...!!! First cup will be in the morning and I can't wait! 

Got to look on the bright side of things, right? 

My WTF Consult for FET #1 is next Wednesday, May 4th. It sounds like my RE wants me to wait a little bit to try again, let my body get back to normal and sort out my emotions. Need to think about next steps. Just not right this second. Instead, I'm thinking about that cup of coffee I'll have in the morning that I'll savor with homemade pancakes, sausage, and eggs. 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

The Results of IVF #2 (Cycle 8): I'm not Pregnant

I knew this was coming. I tested early and had negative, stark white, tests. I'm not pregnant. Beta test confirmed it today.

Driving to my RE's office was a little bitter sweet. I knew that I was going to have a negative Beta, but I still had to go and confirm. The RE staff greeted me with big smiles and expectations, "This is when you find out, right?!" I said, "Yes, but I already know it's going to come back negative." I was then inundated with positive affirmations to stay positive, that I had the 3 frozen embryos, that I got farther than I did last time, etc. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE my RE's office. They really are so supportive and so very nice. Also, my RE was the one that called me to give me the news of the blood results. That was different from my IUI's where the nurse's call.

But... I was actually OK with the results. I had a few days to process the cycle not working. Strangely, I wasn't too emotional about it. I mean, it's devastating... But at the same time, seeing a positive pregnancy test and having a positive beta test, would seem more "surprising" for me. Getting a negative result is almost BAU (business as usual). When you've been trying to conceive for over a year with no positive results, it becomes almost "expected" to keep getting a negative. Because it feels like it will NEVER work.

IVF was a little different to me. I had to go through a lot in the stim phase, then go through the egg retrieval, then the egg transfer. I have a picture of the little embie blast that was transferred. It's strange how you can fall completely in love with a picture of a little ball of cells. I let myself be hopeful. Which I'm ok with. Going through IVF is not easy, but to continue down this path -- you have to hold onto hope. If there's no hope, there's no reason to keep going doing the IVF journey.

I knew the % chances of it working vs. not working. I was prepared for a negative, although I prayed and hoped and wished that this would "be it." If this cycle would have worked, the expected due date would have been 11/9/16. Yeah, I imagined it. I pictured it. I let myself believe it could be possible. What that life would be like, what it would feel like, how life would be completely different and wonderful at the same time.

But it wasn't meant to be. This little embie blast that was transferred, wasn't meant to be my Baby C.

Now, I have to move forward. I'm grateful that I have 3 embryos on ice and I can move forward with a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I have to wonder though:

• Maybe I should have done PGD testing. 
• Can it be egg quality? 
• Should I do another fresh cycle in hopes of getting more eggs? 

Then there are the fears: 

• That I'll never get pregnant. 
• That I wasn't meant to have a birth child. 
• That I'll have to stop this journey before having a baby. 

I can't let the fears stop me. I have to move forward. There's still hope that one of my little embies on ice will stick and become my little Baby C. 

The hardest part is not getting the negative pregnancy test... it's having tell all my friends that I'm not pregnant.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to be proactive about it and just tell them or let them filter in and ask me when they haven't heard from me. Not sure which one will be worse? So I decided to text those that don't read my blog.

It's so strange. I feel the loss of the "possible future" that could have been with this little blast. I feel sorrow that this little blast wasn't able to become a little human. However, working on my Gratitude List daily has helped me so much through this process, which is one reason I started it. We all have choices to make in life on how we handle things. Normally, I would lean towards sadness/depression. It's so easy to do with such an emotional journey. The things you put your body through for IVF and the investment ($$) you put into it and the time.

I'm going to give myself some time to grieve the loss of this cycle. However, I'm not going to linger on.

I choose to focus on happiness instead, on the good things in my life. I am so blessed in so many ways, it's hard to be bitter about life. I woke up to my son this morning doing a "happy morning dance" with his dancing feet. Then he gave me the sweetest hugs, like he knew I needed them. He hugged my leg and said, "I'm stuck" and squeezed hard. I thank God everyday for my son, a son that I never thought I'd be able to adopt - and now he's my forever son.

There's still the loss, the dream of building my family, of giving my son a sibling, of being pregnant/giving birth, which feels so-so-so far away from happening. But you know what, I choose happiness. I choose to move forward. I trust in God. I trust God's plan for me and my family.

Now, it's time to move forward once again. This time with a FET. Not really sure what that looks like yet, I need to schedule a meeting with my RE to discuss in detail. The timing is looking like April/May. Let's see if one of my frostie blasties will stick.

Next Steps: 

• Schedule RE Consult for FET #1 (Cycle #9) Discussion 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

IUI Cycle #6: The Results are In...

... Time to move to IVF. My 6th BFN. It's weird, I didn't cry this time - almost like I knew it was coming. My heart just feels heavy with the news, but not emotional. I think since fail #5, I had a feeling IVF would be inevitable since I knew the % chances go way down after IUI try #4. I feel so resigned about the whole thing. 

Beta Test

When I got my blood drawn for the Beta Test to confirm, I was a bit teary eyed when I told her that I'm expecting it to come back negative. But the sadness I feel is a little less because I'm trying to focus on positive things and figuring that: 1) I'm doing all I can do to have Baby C and 2) Maybe it's not the right timing. 

Looking back on my life, situations that seemed dire or didn't go as planned, I stressed about and worried about excessively. Yet, everything worked out as it should, which I realized after I had some perspective. I'm trying to look at this the same way. Everything will turn out as it should... even if it's not how I imagined it originally. 

IVF 

So, there's absolutely NO guarantee that IVF is going to work for me. I am going into it realizing that. I don't want to get my hopes up. IVF will be my last shot at making Baby C a reality... I'm absolutely hoping for the best, but I don't want to have unrealistic expectations about the entire situation. I've read too many blogs and have been on too many forums to realize that IVF doesn't work for everyone. With that said, it's my best and only chance at having a baby at this point... Which means I have to give it a try. Because as I mentioned, I want to do all that I can do. I almost feel like this is my "Hail Mary" of a try. Depending how things turn out, I'll have to reevaluate and determine next steps. For now, IVF is the next road to venture down. 

Next Steps: 

• Call Insurance & get infertility approval. I will get assigned an infertility contact person at my insurance company to help me through the process. 
• Wait for AF & schedule CD 3 ultrasound to check for cysts. 
• IVF consult 11/9 @ 4pm. Hopefully will get IVF calendar & go over all costs. Get a better idea of how it's all going to work during the follicle stimulation, Egg Retrieval, and Egg Transfer. 
• I need to get my IVF questions ready. I have an entire list that was on the SMC forum, very thorough list! Questions I never thought to ask. I just need to funnel through it, edit, and add some of my own. I will post my Q&A list when it's complete. 

IUI Cycle #5: Test Results

I'm not pregnant... IUI #5 was a bust. No words really. I guess I was hoping that it would work, which I hope for every cycle. For this cycle, there were some changing variables and was hoping the changes would lead to a successful cycle. These negatives really get to me. I'm so disappointed. I think this was the hardest BFN to date and the most I've cried about it. Trying so hard to "will" that second line to appear on a HPT. Even though I was totally prepared to hear from the nurse about the BFN, it was still hard to hear: "Unfortunately I do not have good news, the results were negative." It's funny because she sounded so happy at the beginning of the conversation that I actually thought she might have good news to give me! But no such luck there. It's confirmed: not pregnant.... again, x5.

It just sucks. It sucks so bad. I'm honestly not sure how much longer I can keep trying... But I guess that all this "trying to conceive" will be coming to an end soon enough - either way. There's IUI #6... Then IVF... with a fresh transfer maybe? Then possibly a FET (if any are able to freeze).

Then... done?

Then... reevaluate?

What happens after these paths have been exhausted?

Ugh. I'm so emotional right now and upset about this entire thing. I don't want to do IVF, but I guess I have to get over my fears if IUI #6 is not successful. I also don't really want to do IUI #6... I'm sick of sticking myself with needles and not feeling like "myself" with all these crazy hormones. I also loathe the fact that I'll have to give myself more injections. 

It's so weird because I'm closer to the "end" of TTC vs when I first started, and I haven't had a successful cycle. Right when I think how hard this has been, it gets emotionally harder. It just feels like I'll never get pregnant... I hate to think that I might be finished with TTC and not have my precious Baby C in my arms at the end of all this. I so didn't imagine this TTC journey going this route.

Next Steps: 

• Wait for AF to arrive. 
• Schedule Baseline Ultrasound for Cycle #6. 
• I need to decide if I want to move forward with IVF now or wait, because I would need to do my Day 3 blood work at the Baseline U/S as well. 
• Order donor #2 Sperm vial after Baseline Ultrasound, make sure the cycle is a "go" before ordering (i.e. no cysts). 

IUI Cycle #4: Test Results and Cycle 4 Final Thoughts

The big question: Am I pregnant? Yes or No?

Test Results: 

• 10dpIUI, 8/27 -HPT Wondfo, Negative 
• 12dpIUI, 8/29 - HPT FRER, Negative 
• 13dpIUI, 8/30 - HPT ClearBlue Digital,  Negative 
  

• 14dpIUI, 8/31- Beta Test, Negative Confirmed. 

No, I'm not pregnant. 😢

How do I feel? 

Getting that first negative on 10dpIUI was emotionally hard. I knew it was early to test and I actually didn't plan on testing until 12dpIUI. But I broke down and tested. Seeing the negative was heartbreaking. When I received the negative at 12dpIUI, I knew that it was over. Then, receiving the confirmation call from the RE's office -- was cringe worthy. I was expecting it, but hearing it made it worse. Nurse, "Unfortunately the results are negative." Ugh. I hate that I have to do a blood test to confirm even when I know it's negative. But I understand why they do it... since not all HPT's are accurate and better to know for sure. 

I really thought this cycle would work, that I would be planning for Baby C to arrive. The negative dashed my hopes for that. It's not that I don't believe in God's planning... What's hard is I don't know if God's planning includes me having a birth child, which is devastating and hard to accept. 

I'm now officially headed down the bell curve on IUI success rates. The odds significantly go down after cycle #4. Some RE's suggest moving to IVF after 3-4 failed IUI's. But I can't since my insurance won't kick in until 6 failed IUI's. I feel like it's almost futile to try a 5th and 6th time with IUI... But what choice do I have at this juncture? Hopefully one of these will work and I won't have to do IVF. 

Cycle #4 Final Thoughts

I have no words really... Or I have many words that aren't very nice. I thought I would be *mad* if this cycle didn't work. Instead, I'm extremely saddened. Strangely though, I haven't cried. Maybe because it almost feels inevitable that I'll get a negative each cycle. Hard to imagine seeing a positive test. This sucks so bad. When I started this process, I didn't think it would be this hard. 

• February -- I thought maybe I would have a baby in November. Nope, I had to schedule surgery in February instead. Delay. 
• March -- I thought maybe I would have a baby in December, a Christmas baby. Nope, AF decided not to show up. Delay. 
• April -- I thought 2016, January, a New Year's baby. Cycle #1 = BFN
• May -- I thought February 2016, a Valentine's Baby. Cycle #2 = BFN 
• June -- had to skip due to timing and travel schedule. Delay.
• July -- I thought April 2016. Cycle #3 = BFN
• August -- I thought May 2016. Cycle #4 = BFN 

It's just so disappointing. I hate the power that a BFN has. Two ways things can go after the Two Week Wait:

1. You're planning of the next cycle or
2.  You're planning for a new baby. 

Two big extremes, two totally different paths. There's so much hope in each cycle. Hope that in 9 months you'll have this precious little baby in your arms. That you can start planning for this new addition to your family. It's so hard not to imagine it.

I really don't want to do IVF... But I'm starting to think it's going to end up that way. The one big pro of IVF is, I'll know if I'm having egg quality issues. Also, it'll be nice if I have some frozen embryos so I can try for another baby in a few years. But if I could avoid IVF, I would. When I started this process I thought: "If IUI doesn't work, then it wasn't meant to be. I will not do IVF." How times have changed. I'm so invested and have so much hope for Baby C to arrive -- that I just don't want to stop trying until I've exhausted all avenues of conception.

What sucks about all of this is, everything has been pretty much perfect for all my IUI's:

• Timing has been great, I know this because I am monitored pretty closely. So, I know that it's not the timing. 
• I know that I'm producing multiple follicles. So, we know the fertility drugs are working on stimulating my ovaries. 
• The sperm count has been amazing for all 4 cycles. Yet, out of the 126.6 millions of sperms (over the 4 cycles), not one of them was able to fertilize one of my eggs. 

Even with everything being "perfect" -- nothing. No pregnancy. Is it really just plain luck? If I were a betting person and the odds start to go down at this point, not sure how much I can bet on Cycle #5 working... or a Cycle #6. Ugh. I've never been a good gambler.

Even though the odds are lower, the chance of success are decreasing, and it's emotionally exhausting going through this process... I still have HOPE. Hope that all of this TTC process will be totally and absolutely worth it. I can't give up on that hope just yet. There is so much love in my heart to give Baby C when he/she arrives. So loved even before conception.

Here's to hoping Cycle#5 will be the one that works and that June 2016 will be the month that Baby C arrives. 

Next Steps: 

1. Wait for AF to come and schedule my Baseline Ultrasound for Cycle #5. 
2. Choose Donor #2 and Purchase Donor Sperm.

IUI Cycle #3: Test Results and Cycle 3 Final Thoughts

Results of Cycle #3.

Test Results 

12dpIUI - HPT -  negative
13dpIUI - HPT  - negative
14dpIUI - HPT - negative

16dpIUI - Beta test - negative 

Cycle 3 Final Thoughts 

I spent most of the TWW thinking that this cycle wasn't going to work. I was preparing myself, as I had an unusually emotional TWW period! But I also thought that this cycle was very different from the first two:

• I used injections
• I had 2 nice mature follicles 
• The IUI was timed better with my "normal" cycle (I have long cycles) and the IUI happened the day I would have normally ovulated. 

So, although I was preparing for failure and trying not to have any expectations. I was still extremely hopeful.

Things I'm worried about: 

• The odds start to go down (% wise) on having success with IUI after try #4... 
• I only have 1 vial left of my donor.
• The cost - I added up the costs and I've already spent close to $7,000 for everything. If #4 doesn't work, I'll have to purchase more donor sperm and pay for at least 3 more IUI's before I can move to IVF. 
• The idea and realization that I might have to do IVF and if that's something I really want to do. Wondering how much out of pocket I'll need for IVF. I'll officially qualify as "infertile" at that juncture (if I have 6 failed IUI's). 
• My weight is an issue for IVF. All the fertility meds make it difficult to be proactive about exercising. Not to mention the stress. I need to make a change somewhere and get back into a good workout routine. I've gained throughout the process. 

I wasn't very emotional about getting a negative this time around. Probably because I had so many emotions during the TWW, I was tapped out. 

Now, onto Cycle #4. Just waiting for AF to begin. 

IUI Cycle #2: Beta Test Result and Cycle #2 Postmortem

Went in for my blood work this morning (Beta test). I absolutely hate having my blood drawn. It was bitter because I know it's going to come back negative. Then to top that off, they couldn't find a vein in my left arm (my normal arm that is usually successful). So, I got stuck once there and she was "searching" around for the vein -- ouch!! Then, got stuck a second time in my right arm (usually not successful) -- that one worked. Ugh. Have I mentioned how much I hate needles :(

The Beta Results 

Received the call from my RE's clinic at 1:45pm. As expected, the Beta test came back negative. Although I knew to expect it, it still stings. It's hard to express in words how I feel. I'll try though...

In a way I feel defeated. I feel like I'll never see two lines on those stupid pregnancy tests! It feels like it will never happen. Like never - ever - happen. I know this was only my second try... and the IUI success rates go up with the third and forth try...  But knowing the stats doesn't make me feel better. I knew going into this that it might take a few tries. However, absolutely nothing can really prepare you for getting a NOT THIS TIME, YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT result.

It hurts. Each cycle there's so much hope, so much possibility for such a huge life changing event --> pregnancy. Creating life. Building my family. Then all the disappointment for this potential little person that could've been born in 9 months... all the hope squashed. Not this time. Not right now.

I think it hurts so bad in part because I really thought and believed that this cycle was going to work! I felt really good about it. Everything was perfect: nice follicle - good sperm count. There were days where I really believed "this is it!" that it was actually happening this time. The day of the IUI, I remember laying there with this certainty that this would be a successful cycle. I don't know where all that certainty came from, but obviously my instincts were wrong! Which also what sucks about the whole thing. You want to be positive and optimistic. Yet, you want to "prepare" for the worse. Really? How can you be positive and negative at the same time? Impossible. No "preparation" for a failed cycle helps you when you get the negative test.

Doubts 

Even though I've only had 2 cycles of IUI, I've been actively planning since November 2014 - half a year now. There has been so much I've put into TTC, love - hope - promise - time. It's almost like I've built this potential future in my head. With each failed cycle, the fear builds in my mind that this future -- the one with Baby C -- may never happen. It may never come to fruition. That thought scares me and I try not to say it out loud because I don't want to put that out there in the universe... But it lingers in the back of my mind that this dream, that this family I hope and pray so much for, may never become reality.

So, here I am at the end of Cycle #2 feeling miserable. I'll pull myself together and bring all that positivity back. But right now, I'm just letting myself feel the loss. Feel the loss of the dream of Cycle #2 being a success.

Plan A, B, maybe a C? 

TTC can be such a stressful thing because there is no guarantee at the end of all this that you'll get the baby you've dreamed about. The hardest part about being a Single Mother by Choice (SMC) is that in order to just GET here -- to start TTC and have a baby on my own -- I had to give up my other "dream" -- Plan A: getting married, having 2.5 kids, white picket fence, etc. I'm working on Plan B: pursuing being a SMC through donor sperm. Now, the thought of Plan B not working is terrifying... especially since it took me so long to let go of Plan A. I'm not giving up on TTC just yet or on Plan B... but the question lingers on the back of my head, "When should I stop trying?" Should I start mentally preparing for a Plan C?

Looking at the Positive 

Life off of progesterone is soooo good!!!! I stopped the progesterone on Sunday, so I've been off of it for two days now. I already have so much more energy! I'm more productive. I'm able to stay up past 8pm! I don't feel fatigued. My house kind of got in the "messy" state the last week of the TWW. I was just too tired to do anything. I was more productive the last two days than I was the last two weeks! Feels good to feel "normal" again. This is one reason I am not a proponent of drugs, even if prescribed. They just mess with you. However, I am aware that taking fertility drugs is my best chance of getting pregnant... so I'm stuck with it until I'm successful (or decide to move to Plan C - whatever that looks like).

My Light

Then there's the light. What is positive and wonderful about life... is that Little Guy has been extra sweet with me and cuddling with me. It's like he knew I needed that extra love and attention. Such a sweetheart. I am so blessed to have him in my life. I love him so much. The trial on his case is tomorrow -- which is another stress factor. But hopefully it'll go well and it won't be a stress factor anymore and will instead be the next step in moving towards adoption.

Luckily we have our vacation to Hawaii to look forward to! A week with just Little Guy and me. It's going to be wonderful. On the bright side of things -- at least I can drink while I'm in Hawaii!

Moving onto the next TTC hope... Cycle #3 in July. Let's hope for Lucky #3!

Next steps in TTC:

1. I scheduled a consult with my RE to talk about the medication protocol. Also to ask about IVF... not that I'm going to be moving to IVF now... but I want to find out if they'll even treat me (with my BMI) - in case I need to look elsewhere or need to put TTC on hold (if I have 6 failed IUI's). Scheduled for 6/15/15 @ 3pm. 
2. Take June off due to travel schedule -- Hawaii and California! 
3. Start back up in July for IUI Cycle #3.

IUI Cycle #1: 14dpIUI --> Beta Test Results & Donor Sperm Analysis

It was strange waking up today. I think I've let it settle in that this cycle did not work and I am not pregnant. Although I'm 99.99% sure that I'm not pregnant, I still had to go in for my Beta test (blood work to confirm if I'm pregnant). The cost I paid for the IUI with my RE's office included the first Beta test.

I stopped the progesterone yesterday. I did not POAS (pee on a stick) this morning and it was fairly liberating. I don't know why it felt that way, but it did! I really am "moving on" already and thinking about IUI Cycle #2 and adjusting my mind-frame.

• Should I ask my RE to change my med protocol? 
• Should I do anything different from IUI Cycle #1 to help with fertility? 
• What type of adjustments can I make to "up the odds"? 

It was fairly strange getting my blood drawn. Almost bitter sweet. They said I would be contacted within a few hours with the results. Although I'm totally prepared for the call and for them to say "The test came back negative" -- I swear I was still on pins and needles while I was waiting. The final portion of the Two Week Wait will come to an end shortly. <sigh> 

So, I didn't cry last night or today. Just felt like I have "accepted" that it'll be a negative today. Then I receive a text from my friend and I started crying like a baby!!

"Good luck today on your Beta. Just remember, if it didn't happen this month. It means it wasn't your baby's time. And if it did happen this month, hang on, your world is about to be rocked! Hang in there, love you and thinking of you." 

It was exactly what I needed to hear and it just opened up the flood gates. I guess trying to be "strong" and "move on" is sometimes not what we need at times. It's ok to grieve over the loss of this cycle. It was emotionally draining. This whole process of TTC through IUI is an odds game. I hate gambling or playing odds since there's little control over it. They explain it like a "bell curve" within 6 IUI tries, best odds are in 3-4 tries. Thinking about it in a positive note, I am moving up the bell curve and increasing my odds.

Donor Sperm Analysis

I also received the sperm analysis that I requested when I had my IUI on 4/13: 

• Sperm Count: 18.4 million. >=16 million is good. 
• Motility (ability of the sperm to swim) was at 46%, it should be over 50% - hmmm. 

I sent an email to the sperm bank to ask them if they guarantee motility rates in the normal range (>=50%). Let's see what they say. If the donor has poor swimmers, that can't be good! 

BETA Results

I finally received the call at 12:45pm and the results are confirmed: negative. I swear, even though I knew that was what I was going to hear -- my heart still started fluttering with anticipation and hope that I would get the opposite result. Now, to wait for AF to arrive.

I still need to process my feelings, but perhaps I will save that for another entry when it really starts to sink in.

Baby C, still praying for you!