IUI Cycle #2: Beta Test Result and Cycle #2 Postmortem

Went in for my blood work this morning (Beta test). I absolutely hate having my blood drawn. It was bitter because I know it's going to come back negative. Then to top that off, they couldn't find a vein in my left arm (my normal arm that is usually successful). So, I got stuck once there and she was "searching" around for the vein -- ouch!! Then, got stuck a second time in my right arm (usually not successful) -- that one worked. Ugh. Have I mentioned how much I hate needles :(

The Beta Results 

Received the call from my RE's clinic at 1:45pm. As expected, the Beta test came back negative. Although I knew to expect it, it still stings. It's hard to express in words how I feel. I'll try though...

In a way I feel defeated. I feel like I'll never see two lines on those stupid pregnancy tests! It feels like it will never happen. Like never - ever - happen. I know this was only my second try... and the IUI success rates go up with the third and forth try...  But knowing the stats doesn't make me feel better. I knew going into this that it might take a few tries. However, absolutely nothing can really prepare you for getting a NOT THIS TIME, YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT result.

It hurts. Each cycle there's so much hope, so much possibility for such a huge life changing event --> pregnancy. Creating life. Building my family. Then all the disappointment for this potential little person that could've been born in 9 months... all the hope squashed. Not this time. Not right now.

I think it hurts so bad in part because I really thought and believed that this cycle was going to work! I felt really good about it. Everything was perfect: nice follicle - good sperm count. There were days where I really believed "this is it!" that it was actually happening this time. The day of the IUI, I remember laying there with this certainty that this would be a successful cycle. I don't know where all that certainty came from, but obviously my instincts were wrong! Which also what sucks about the whole thing. You want to be positive and optimistic. Yet, you want to "prepare" for the worse. Really? How can you be positive and negative at the same time? Impossible. No "preparation" for a failed cycle helps you when you get the negative test.

Doubts 

Even though I've only had 2 cycles of IUI, I've been actively planning since November 2014 - half a year now. There has been so much I've put into TTC, love - hope - promise - time. It's almost like I've built this potential future in my head. With each failed cycle, the fear builds in my mind that this future -- the one with Baby C -- may never happen. It may never come to fruition. That thought scares me and I try not to say it out loud because I don't want to put that out there in the universe... But it lingers in the back of my mind that this dream, that this family I hope and pray so much for, may never become reality.

So, here I am at the end of Cycle #2 feeling miserable. I'll pull myself together and bring all that positivity back. But right now, I'm just letting myself feel the loss. Feel the loss of the dream of Cycle #2 being a success.

Plan A, B, maybe a C? 

TTC can be such a stressful thing because there is no guarantee at the end of all this that you'll get the baby you've dreamed about. The hardest part about being a Single Mother by Choice (SMC) is that in order to just GET here -- to start TTC and have a baby on my own -- I had to give up my other "dream" -- Plan A: getting married, having 2.5 kids, white picket fence, etc. I'm working on Plan B: pursuing being a SMC through donor sperm. Now, the thought of Plan B not working is terrifying... especially since it took me so long to let go of Plan A. I'm not giving up on TTC just yet or on Plan B... but the question lingers on the back of my head, "When should I stop trying?" Should I start mentally preparing for a Plan C?

Looking at the Positive 

Life off of progesterone is soooo good!!!! I stopped the progesterone on Sunday, so I've been off of it for two days now. I already have so much more energy! I'm more productive. I'm able to stay up past 8pm! I don't feel fatigued. My house kind of got in the "messy" state the last week of the TWW. I was just too tired to do anything. I was more productive the last two days than I was the last two weeks! Feels good to feel "normal" again. This is one reason I am not a proponent of drugs, even if prescribed. They just mess with you. However, I am aware that taking fertility drugs is my best chance of getting pregnant... so I'm stuck with it until I'm successful (or decide to move to Plan C - whatever that looks like).

My Light

Then there's the light. What is positive and wonderful about life... is that Little Guy has been extra sweet with me and cuddling with me. It's like he knew I needed that extra love and attention. Such a sweetheart. I am so blessed to have him in my life. I love him so much. The trial on his case is tomorrow -- which is another stress factor. But hopefully it'll go well and it won't be a stress factor anymore and will instead be the next step in moving towards adoption.

Luckily we have our vacation to Hawaii to look forward to! A week with just Little Guy and me. It's going to be wonderful. On the bright side of things -- at least I can drink while I'm in Hawaii!

Moving onto the next TTC hope... Cycle #3 in July. Let's hope for Lucky #3!

Next steps in TTC:

1. I scheduled a consult with my RE to talk about the medication protocol. Also to ask about IVF... not that I'm going to be moving to IVF now... but I want to find out if they'll even treat me (with my BMI) - in case I need to look elsewhere or need to put TTC on hold (if I have 6 failed IUI's). Scheduled for 6/15/15 @ 3pm. 
2. Take June off due to travel schedule -- Hawaii and California! 
3. Start back up in July for IUI Cycle #3.

IUI Cycle #2: TWW Confessions - Week #2 & POAS-Test-A-Thon

The final stretch of the TWO WEEK WAIT and the POAS-test-a-thon. 

The funny thing about the TWW... Week #1, there's all this optimism.

• "This is It!" 
• "This can happen!" 
• "I think it's happening right now!" 
• Imagining the BFP on that HPT (home pregnancy test) 

Week #2 of the TWW is a little more subdued and the doubts start sneaking in. Here are my ruminations and confessions for week numero dos of the TWW.


8dpIUI (5/19)

Some new symptoms (to add to the list): some cramping, a little dizziness, & I'm running "colder" than normal -- then will get really hot, all in spurts. I also have some sensitivity in my BB's (sorry if that's TMI! Just tracking! LOL). 

POAS-A-Thon: When doing fertility drugs it gets complicated testing early for a pregnancy test. They tell you NOT to test early. "It's only a few more days till Beta." Yeah... let me tell you, during the TWW those "few more days" feel like an eternity just waiting to know!

Yesterday, I started testing out my Pregnyl HCG Trigger Shot using the Wondfo pregnancy tests. I'm going to stick with the same brand, as different brands have different HCG sensitivities (learned that during Cycle#1 TWW!).

The theory is, test with FMU (first morning urine) until I get a "negative" test. Right now, I should test positive because the HCG Trigger puts the pregnancy hormone into my body. The "positive" line should fade every day. Once it is completed faded -- the HCG Trigger is out of my system. IF the positive line starts getting DARKER, then it *can* be a "true positive" test.

Let the Testing Trigger POAS (pee on a stick) Days commence! Last cycle, the line went away after CD 11. Today, the line was fainter than it was yesterday - could barely see it. I looked up the HCG "sensitivity" of the Wondfo and it's at 25. So, at least I know the Trigger shot HCG levels are decreasing. Maybe it'll be totally gone tomorrow?

9dpIUI (5/20) 

No new symptoms to add to the list (Thank Goodness!). Can I get any more side effects to progesterone... sheesh.

Secret Thoughts: I'm starting to have doubts this cycle worked. Like REAL doubts. I'm starting to think that I only have 2 vials left of my sperm donor... I originally was hoping to be successful early, so that I can save the vials for a sibling down the road (or at least have an option for it). My donor is sold out... I checked. So, there's no guarantee that if I'm successful that I'll have enough vials left to try for a sibling.

I know, worried about having a second - when I'm still working on TTC my first... but it is something I was really interested in doing, or at least have the option of doing. I suppose I could always use a new donor for a sibling... it's just not ideal.

Then I keep thinking that if I have 4 failed cycles, I'll have to spend another couple grand on a new donor. <sigh> I already have my second choice lined up... but I might look around more and maybe go through a different sperm bank to have more options. Will cross that road when it comes to that.

Anyways. The doubts are bouncing around my head like a ping pong. :(

POAS-A-Thon: Line is VERY light today. Barely there, had to really look for it. Looks more like a shadow at this juncture, which is good!

10dpIUI (5/21) 

Today I started getting small pangs in my right ovary area? A little bit like AF cramping. Is AF coming? She's not due for another week...

Today is the absolute worse day thus far of the TWW...! I am so tempted to test on a FRER... so, so tempted!! I was going to go out and buy some more yesterday... But I'm scared I'll get this silly picture if I did! The one-line monster. It's so weird how all your hopes/dreams can be dashed by seeing only the control line on a HPT.

Secret Thoughts: Still thinking that this cycle is a bust :(  Trying not to put it out there in the universe, but it's circling around in my brain that my next cycle won't be until July!! Feels like forever away. I have to skip June because of my travel schedule. I try to self talk and say "I am pregnant" -- but that's hard to swallow because there's a strong likelihood that I'm not. Only a 20% chance it worked, making 80% chance it didn't work. <sigh> TTC woes.

POAS-A-Thon: Today my Wonfo was defective. There was a strong/pink line in the wrong place. Luckily I've read about the Wondfo already and knew that there was a possibility some could be defective. This one obviously was. I am pretty sure my trigger shot is gone by now though. That's a good thing.

11dpIUI (5/22) 

POAS-A-Thon: I tested on a FRER today...!! I know, I should have waited for tomorrow, but I couldn't help myself! POAS-a-holic here! No self control. Seriously. It was negative. Like stark white - no squinter. So, I'm thinking I'm out this cycle and that I'm not pregnant... I have to admit, I cried pretty hard. I thought I could handle it, that I prepared myself for a negative. But "knowing" it didn't work hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't even think my first IUI Cycle I cried this hard or felt this disappointed. I guess I really thought this one would work....

This journey is hard. The disappointment of a negative test are the worse. At this point, I can't even imagine seeing two lines on a HPT! It's like this mythical thing that will never happen. <sigh> I'll test again tomorrow, just to be sure. I'm back and forth on how to stay positive through all of this. For one, you want to be positive that it "can" happen. But then you don't want to set yourself up for a big fall, right? Where's the happy median?


12dpIUI (5/23) 

POAS-A-Thon: Another BFN when testing this morning, pretty sure I'm out this month. Ugh. Going to schedule an appointment with my RE to discuss my protocol and see if we can get more aggressive, maybe start using injectables or switch to Femera (instead of Clomid)? Will see. It's more upsetting that I have to skip June! Delaying things even further... So disappointed.

13dpIUI (5/24)

POAS-A-Thon: still BFN. Getting AF cramps like last time. Stopped the progesterone today.

14dpIUI (5/25) 

The end of the dreaded TWW is over. Beta test is tomorrow to confirm that I'm not pregnant. It would be nice to end the TWW with a POSITIVE pregnancy test! Alas, it's not this time... Cycle #2 was a bust. 43.2 million sperm couldn't do the job or my egg was not good quality... No way to know for sure.

POAS-A-Thon: still BFN. Guess it's official...

I wish I could live by this quote! <sigh>

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, 

for he shall never be disappointed." 

-Alexander Pope

IUI Cycle #2: TWW Confessions - Week #1

Here we go, the TWO WEEK WAIT!!!!!

For IUI Cycle #1, during the Two Week Wait (Week 1, Week 2), I tracked my "symptoms" and feelings. I felt good doing that because I had a lot going on in my mind and it provided a good release for me. It also helped with my obsessive Google-Tendencies. Since I now know what to expect from the Progesterone... and the Trigger Shot... I'm hoping that this TWW will not be as stressful or crazy.

"These are my confessions..." I keep singing Usher's song in my head! :)

1dpIUI (5/12)

So the TWW begins....! Do you hear ominous music playing in the background? That's how the TWW feels at times. Today, I feel good! Just like a normal day... However, I know I have to start the Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories tonight...!! I didn't have the best reaction to it. The trickery side-effects that mimic early pregnancy signs are no fun. You get excited, but then think "Is it the progesterone?" Here we go, like it or not! I'm also going to start drinking POM juice again (Yuck). I was going to try acupuncture this Cycle, but life got in the way and there was no time to fit it into the calendar. Bummer. 

Overall, I'm feeling good! I figure, if the magic happened - it is already in the process... Trying to be optimistic, but with the real expectation that the TWW might not have any excitement at the end of it. For now though, I'll be optimistic - believe and pray that this *can* be it - that this *can* work. In the back of my mind I keep thinking, "This is it." 

2dpIUI (5/13) 

One day of Progesterone thus far. Not sure if everything is related to the Progesterone or just other stuff. But, here is what I experienced today: vivid dreams, bloating, tiredness, emotional, headache. 

Secret obsession: reading other Single Mothers by Choice blogs! Most of the ones I found have already had their children. I like reading back to the entries when they first started trying, how the TWW went for them, and when they got their BFP's :) Great knowing there are success stories out there. 

3dpIUI (5/14) 

Two days of Progesterone and now the "pee in the middle of the night" thing has started. Along with the excessive tiredness & vivid dreams. I went to sleep at 8pm and was STILL tired when I got up at 5:30am. Maybe because of my 2:30am wakeup call? 

Secret obsession: watching YouTube Videos on conception, IUI's, and the stages of an embryo. I've also been watching YouTube videos on others going through fertility treatments (IUI/IVF). Things have to line up so perfectly to get pregnant. It's a wonder that we have an overpopulation problem! How do people get pregnant these days and how are there so many people in the world? Conception is such a complicated science. 

4dpIUI (5/15) 

Same symptoms! Headaches have subsided some. Second night going to sleep at 8pm! Starting to get doubts that the cycle worked :(  But trying to remain positive. 

Secret Purchase: in trying to be positive with adopting Little Guy and with being positive with believing that I will eventually be successful with TTC, I bought this book :) Little Guy loves to read, so *when* it's time, we'll start reading about bringing a new baby home. 

5dpIUI (5/16)

Added to everything else, now I'm experiencing back pain...! If the month wasn't so busy I would be working out more. I need to really start getting back into yoga. I think it might help my back pain. Zumba is too vigorous while TTC, don't want to hinder implantation, so going to hold back on that for a little while anyways. 

I'm starting to feel like I have no clue if this cycle worked... TWW, you're killing me! 

Secret Confession: I've eaten at fast food places! I've had In-N-Out -- twice!!! Eek! My first IUI cycle, I was so good about eating. This time I'm just doing what I would normally do... Which just happens to be - I eat fast food a few times a week on busy days. 

6dpIUI (5/17)

Adding onto the the things I've mentioned (which have continued), today I started feeling congested and had a runny nose. I also broke out a little on my face! Which isn't normal for me at all. Darn progesterone!!! I'm not 100% sure that these things are related to the progesterone, but it's so easy to blame the progesterone. ;) 

Secret Confession: I got a pedicure last week and they have those massage chairs. I totally forgot that I read somewhere that it's not good to get a massage in early pregnancy. It wasn't a "real" massage! I didn't even think about it until the massage was almost over, too late by then. But it freaked me out a little bit that it may impact implantation or something. Overly worried, I'm sure! If it's going to happen, it'll happen... Or that's what I keep telling myself.

7dpIUI (5/18)

I am officially HALF-WAY through the TWW!!! Woot! Surprisingly, the week went by relatively quickly. I was pretty busy, so that helped a ton. Today, I am having some cramps in my uterus. AF maybe? Or side-effect to progesterone? Who knows...  

Secret Confession: Last time I was on the TWW, I admitted to being a POAS-a-Holic (pee on a stick). That hasn't changed. This time, the focus is to test out my trigger. I started testing it out this morning and it's still there (slightly). Like you REALLY have to squint to see it. One more week to go before I find out if this cycle was successful. 

It's hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up, when you know it's everything you want.

- Unknown

IUI Cycle #2: 21mm Follicle+43,200,000 Motile Sperm=Time to Make a Baby!!!

I wasn't sure how I would "feel" going into the IUI today.  I was worried for a little bit that I would be so disheartened and bitter that I wouldn't feel the excitement about the "potential for life" that could happen today. Glad to say that that isn't the case! I have this strange calm about the whole process... however, I'm also super excited! Like this giddiness of anticipation. 


It's interesting how this TTC things works. The TWW from IUI Cycle #1 felt like FOREVER. Even just waiting to get to CD #1 felt like FOREVER. This time, Cycle #2, things seemed to be moving quicker.  All of a sudden: It's Insemination Day!

Prepping for My IUI 

IUI day is a little funny and interesting. I contemplate things like "what should I wear?" I know it doesn't matter in the long scheme of things, but I still think about it. It almost feels like I'm going on a date or something:

1. Make sure all grooming is done - people with lights are going to be down there! No, really - there will be lights shining on my "who-ha" so they can see my cervix. I think that might be one of the worse parts of the entire IUI process. 
2. Make sure my hair is cute! Haha. I know this one is really arbitrary, but if I'm already "grooming" - doing my hair next just makes sense naturally. 
3. Wear cute undergarments, who knows who's going to see them?! There are nurses and doctors and staff all around that teeny tiny room! 
4. Wear light make-up. No rhyme or reason, just that I'm "going out" so putting on my face first makes sense. Plus, I take pictures while I'm there to track the journey, want to look decent. 
5. Wear cute, but easily removable clothes - I usually go with a skirt outfit. Today I'm wearing a maxi skirt. 

Does all this help with insemination? Of course not! But it makes me feel better going through the process if I feel my best :) Plus, this *could* possible be the day that leads to the big biggie -- having Baby C. So, why not? Doesn't take much more effort than normal. PLUS, it helps me focus on things I can control and not on the things I can't control --- like the sperm meeting the egg...!

I've also contemplated saying something funny to the RE. Some of my friends recommend, "Was it as good for you as it was for me?" or "That was fast." Silly things. I'm too shy to make any comments like that though! I was thinking it might lighten the moment, but I think I'll be too nervous to think of anything funny right after. It would be nice if my RE said something reassuring. But he's in and out and done so quick. No time for cuteness, I suppose. Plus, there are usually female nurses in the room -- wouldn't that be awkward to say something so silly to the Doctor with them there! LOL.

IUI Time! 

I overestimated my driving time! Thought I'd run into more traffic than I did. I got there an hour early!!! I ended up driving around for a little while then going in 30 minutes early. They set me up in the lobby to watch some TV, gave me the remote to control the channel and all. Then, they said they were going to take me in early.

I go back into the teeny tiny room and am told to "get ready" again (remove clothes from waist down). I didn't do the insemisocks this time around. They are so quick at my clinic that last time I was in such a rush to put them on! So, decided to skip it this time. I did put my rosary on for good luck though :)

I then signed the sperm analysis report. 43,200,000 Motile Sperm!!! With 64% Motility!! GREAT NUMBERS!! I was very happy to hear that. I was able to get a copy and keep the vial the sperm came in as well.

I didn't realize I was so nervous... But when I put my feet in the stirrups -- my leg was shaking so bad, the entire table was moving!!! OMG, that was a bit embarrassing. I said, "Oh sorry, I'm nervous." I took a few deep breaths and he inserted the speculum... It didn't hurt last time - it hurt this time! Probably because I was so nervous. He then inserted the catheter and I felt a tiny tickle as it went through my cervix, then in went Monroe's Swimmers, all 43.2 million!!!! SWIM - SWIM - SWIM!!! Here's a picture of the catheter with the sperm in it already!!!


My clinic asks us to lay down for 10 minutes. I took 15 minutes, figured 5 minutes extra might help. I tried a new visualization process where I visualized the sperm swimming and meeting my egg and inseminating it. Then "Don't Stop Believing" came on the radio (they play music at my RE's office). I sang along and thought it was a good appropriate song for the occasion :) I prayed and prayed to God. Then I was out of there.

No tears this time!!! It really was "different" this time in a way, probably because I knew what to expect from the entire process.

How do I feel? 

I feel good about this cycle! I'm hoping magic is happening in my Uterus right now and that this is all going to work out. I know the odds aren't in my favor, but I feel good anyways! My Baby C will come when the timing is right and that *may* be this time!!! I am currently optimistic! 

Physically, I am feeling a little "full" right now and I am cramping a little bit, but it's not too bad. 

Next Steps: 

1. The dreaded TWO WEEK WAIT!!!! I've decided that I'm going to "test out" my trigger this time. I bought a bunch of cheap tests from Wondfo off of Amazon. Since the trigger shot seemed to stay in my system for a long time (11-12 days), I want to make sure I don't get excited when I inevitably decide to test early. Because let's face it -- I had absolutely NO self control last time!! I'm not going to pretend I'll be able to hold off until my Beta test. 
2. I begin the Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories tomorrow. Oh joy :(  
3. Beta Test is scheduled for Tuesday 5/26 @ 7:45 am. The clinic is closed on Memorial Day (5/25) - so I have to wait an extra day. The torture...! 

Dear Baby C, Hoping and praying for you! <3 

"The longer you wait for something, the more you'll appreciate it when you get it. Because anything worth having is definitely worth waiting for." ~Anonymous 

IUI Cycle #2: HCG Trigger Shot!

Everytime I think about the trigger shot, I think about that song by LMFAO "Shots!"  Then it gets stuck in my head and I'm singing it like I'm at the club or something. Wish I was talking about one of those shots! The HCG trigger shot is not as fun. 

The HCG trigger shot is to help with the timing of the IUI. You "trigger" the release of the eggs from the follicle. All mature follicles (>16mm I think) get released. Then my RE performs the IUI 36 hours later. Some clinics do it differently, mine swears by 36 hours. 

I couldn't sleep last night! I kept dreaming that I overslept & missed my trigger time. Or that I messed up the directions. Or that I was missing parts. I kept waking up in a panic and checking the time thinking, "did I miss it?!! Is it 4am yet??!!" 

Sheesh, you'd think since this is my second time doing this that it would be easier? Nope! Still paranoid I'm going to miss my "window" of fertility opportunity. Worried that my good juicy 21mm follie will ovulate before trigger time. Worried that the timing is just off. 

Also, you'd think since I've already done the trigger once that I wouldn't be a total mess doing it a second time... For me, it didn't get easier mentally preparing myself to give myself a shot. 

Like last time, I prepared everything the night before & inventoried everything, making sure all was there: 

When I finally woke up at 4am & mixed the solution, it went really well - no nightmare mishaps came to fruition! The needle still looks dangerous and intimidating... 

This time I was able to plunge the needle in on the first try! "3-2-1, plunge!" while singing "Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, Everybody!" Lol, not really :) 

It didn't hurt going in. Once I started to depress the needle, I had a quick sharp burning pain - then was gone. After the solution was all in, pulling the needle out was easy. I then had a little bit of burning feeling again -- then nothing. I didn't even have as much blood as last time, I had a hard time finding where to put the bandaid! 

All in all -- not too bad. I could've done with a better nights sleep though!!! Paranoia that I would miss the trigger time was not fun! 

Great way to begin Mother's Day with a nice "shot" at making a baby. 

IUI #2 tomorrow. Praying praying praying.

IUI Cycle #2: CD 10, Mid-Cycle Ultrasound. The cycle is a GO!

These last few days off of Clomid have been very nice. It's been comforting having my emotions in check and feeling like the "normal" me. I've also been extremely positive since making the decision to move. I know it's far away, but it's nice planning for this positive step and it's gotten me out of my "Zombie" haze.

I had my mid-cycle ultrasound today. I have to admit, I am getting a little perturbed by having constant access to my vagina for "monitoring". Vaginal ultrasounds are not the most comfortable thing in the world. When they're looking for my "shy" left ovary, it is extremely uncomfortable. <sigh>

Joys of fertility treatments and medicated/monitored IUI cycles! I know that this is all necessary, so I don't really mind that much of course. But still. I never really imagined that trying to have a baby would be like "this": Medicated. Clinical. Costly. Emotional. All the appointments. I imagined more like: roses, chocolate, wine, big comfy bed. LOL, well, not "really" - but you get the picture.

I have to keep reminding myself of the "end result": Baby C in my arms! This will all seem trivial and it'll all be worth it.

Back to my mid-cycle Ultrasound appointment today! When I walked into the RE's office, there was a couple that was being congratulated and had a little gift bag - they looked so happy, I'm sure that means they had their BFP! It's the first time I've seen that in the office while I was there. I almost cried tears of joy for them, I can't imagine how amazing the feeling must be to get a BFP. So very awesome.

The purpose of the ultrasound was to check if Clomid did its job:

• Do I have any mature follicles? 
• What are the sizes? 
• How many mature follicles?
• How is my uterine lining. Lining needs to be good for the embryo to be able to implant.   

Every monitored cycle, there's always a "fear" of the cycle being cancelled. If there are too many mature follicles (Clomid worked too well) then = cycle cancelled. Maybe it didn't work well enough = cycle cancelled. 

The Good News: The cycle is a GO. 

• # of Mature Follicles: 1, maybe 2. Right ovary has 1 nice and big 21 mm follicle! The left ovary has a 14 mm follicle. RE said there is potential for this one to get big enough and release by IUI time. 
• Uterine Lining: 8 mm. Looks really good, per RE. 

How do I feel? I'm excited! The follicle looked really good on the monitor. The clomid did its job -- matured the follicle pretty good! I truthfully was hoping for more than 1 juicy follicle. But my RE seemed optimistic that the 14mm could be 16 or 18 mm prior to triggering - which he said is good. So, I may have two good sized follies in the running. It only takes ONE! Hoping that one of these is the one. :) Feeling really good about the progress. Fingers and toes crossed that magical baby dust comes my way on Monday.

Next Steps:

1. Trigger Shot 5/10 @ 4:15am. I'm triggering on Mother's Day, maybe that'll bring me some extra baby dust! :) 
2. IUI 5/11 @ 4:15 pm

IUI Cycle #2: Ode to Clomid

Last Day of Clomid!! Woohoo!!! 

For this cycle, I was on 100mg of Clomid for CD 3-7 (5 days). Last cycle I was on only 50mg of Clomid. I thought since the dosage was being upped, that I would have more side-effects. This is what I experienced (I'm not 100% sure that it is all related to the Clomid).

Extreme Moodiness - Don't mess with me! My moods swing from one extreme to another so quickly, you might get whiplash.

Short Tempered - Don't mind me, I'm the calm one that is serene & peaceful, then BAM - something sets me off. Watch out.

Short Period - My normal period is 6-7 days. This time, it was only 4 days! Crazy. Due to clomid? Hmmm.

Middle of the Night Pee - Really? I thought that was a side-effect of Progesterone. But it started happening again when I started Clomid. Ugh. 

No Ovary Pain - Last cycle, I had some pain in my ovaries while taking Clomid. I attributed that to the clomid "working". This time, with a higher dosage --> No ovary pain. None. Nada. It is actually so much different than last cycle that it made me worry that the Clomid isn't working... I try not to focus on that part of it. I figure I'll know more at my next ultrasound on Friday. Plus, I am trying not to WORRY about anything. All of this is out of my control, why worry? (easier said than done)

Hard time sleeping / Insomnia - It's interesting. Off of fertility drugs, I have a hard time falling asleep and then I toss and turn all night long. So, having a hard time sleeping isn't new to me. On Clomid, I go to sleep easy. Then I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm "awake" - instead of tossing/turning - I'm wide awake! Then have a hard time trying to go back to sleep. Happens all night long. Will I ever get some real sleep :( 

Hot Flashes - Not to leave out the wonderful hot flashes. I take Clomid with dinner because it's close to me going to sleep. The hot flashes happen with the Insomnia portion. Blankets on - blankets off - sheet on - sheet off. They're not hitting me as bad as it did in the first round though.

Trying to Conceive Time-Frame

Another thing I've been thinking about where TTC is concerned... The average couple takes about 6 months to get pregnant. That's healthy, normal, people. So, TTC as a single woman - I can expect it to take within 6 months. Which I suppose is why my insurance won't cover infertility until after 6 months... but that's another topic! And also why there's a bell curve on IUI success rates within 6 cycles.


I know it's different being single as I have all these additional costs with fertility drugs, monitoring, clinical procedures, donor sperm, etc. Yeah, it's expensive! But I guess it's normal for it to take a few tries before it works, even for the average couple. Therefore, I'm going to try my best not to fret. It truly will happen when it's supposed to happen! Crossing my fingers that try #2 is the one, but I know statistically there is only a 15-20% chance this try will work. Let's roll the dice and play the odds.

How Far to Go? 

Some other thoughts in the back of my mind are around if I would venture into IVF, Donor Eggs/Donor Embryos, or look into private adoption. This is all considering if the IUI's do not work. I'm not going to go down that rabbit hole right now... but it is in the back of mind on how much $ I'm willing to spend. Not only that, the emotional drainage that goes into TTC.

Truth is, right now I am 100% committed to seeing this TTC process through. I have no clue what that's going to look like in the end - but I feel like I would keep trying until it works. However, there has to be a logical stop point, right?

Trying to stay positive with this Cycle #2, but it's extremely difficult!!

I really enjoyed looking up Clomid and infertility humor :) Lots of these made me laugh because the Clomid ones are so very true. Made me feel better in a way that others have gone through this. I've been reading through blog after blog.

Praying for you Baby C, every single day. 

IUI Cycle #2: CD3 Baseline Ultrasound

I had my CD3 Ultrasound. Which is basically the "baseline" ultrasound to check for # of follicles and if there are any ovarian cysts. My mind-frame is so different this cycle. I wasn't excited going into the RE's office. The way the week has gone, I have to admit I was expecting the worse. I was prepared for my RE to tell me, "you have a cyst and we are canceling the cycle." Luckily that didn't happen! 

The good news: No cysts! Yippee, something to rejoice about! I can continue on with this cycle. 

The ultrasound went OK. I have 7-9 follicles in my right ovary. They have a really hard time seeing my left ovary and were only able to see 3-4 follicles. My counts are getting lower as I go through this process, which isn't a good sign. At my original ultrasound in December, they were able to see 7-8 in each ovary. 

If I have to continue this TTC journey and end up with 6 BFN cycles -- I'm really going to have to think about the possibility of doing IVF due to my ovarian reserve concerns... But that's to be contemplated another time IF things go that way.  

Medication Changes

We discussed my medication and my RE wasn't very happy with my response to the 50 mg of clomid, so we're upping the dose to 100 mg of clomid this cycle. Everything else is staying the same: baby aspirin, prenatal vitamins, metformin, progesterone, and the HCG Pregnyl Trigger Shot of 10,000 iu. 

Moving Forward

I need to change my frame of mind. I feel like I'm so pessimistic! Feeling like I've already received a BFN this cycle when I'm just beginning! Sheesh. TTC really beats you up. You have all this optimism that is totally vanquished once you receive a "No, you're not pregnant" call. From researching around on "how to stay positive while TTC," there are a lot of tips and tricks to try to stay positive. But none of them are really working for me. I already stay pretty busy and have a lot going on in my life... work, my kiddos, Toastmasters... and I also make time to read every day. Yet, there's like this hovering cloud over me following me everywhere. 

I know I need to turn it around, but I'm going to allow myself to wallow for today. Tomorrow I'll pick it back up and start shredding that cloud to bring some sunshine back into my life. It's been a very emotionally draining week and I feel like I need to allow myself to "feel it" so I can move on. 

Next step: mid-cycle ultrasound on Friday, May 8 @ 2:30 p.m. 

IUI Cycle #2: CD1. The Journey Continues

Here we are: Calendar Day #1! I am grateful that my period came on time. Last month I had to take provera because my period was late. Irregular periods are no fun when you're TTC. I'm glad AF has decided to cooperate this month.

The last few days have not been good. I've gotten bad news after bad news. So, I am very happy to have something go "as planned" this week. It's also been interesting because I've been off any fertility medication for the last few days and I've felt completely MYSELF! I didn't realize that I wasn't feeling "myself" until I stopped the meds. It's interesting to note how crazy the TTC journey has been. All the anxiety, the stress, the anticipation, the worry -- adding fertility medications to the mix -- and it's a jumble of emotions. It's almost been a relief to feel like me.

The Plan: 

• CD1 --> Call to schedule Ultrasound. 
• CD3 --> 5/1 @ 8:30am. Ultrasound for follicle count and to check for any ovarian cysts. Will discuss medication protocol at that time. 

I should know more at my appointment on Friday. We'll discuss the medications and see if a different medication is better or just up the dosage on current medication. Also, will check for ovarian cysts. If there are cysts - the cycle will be cancelled. A common side-effect of Clomid is ovarian cysts... since I was on a low dosage last month, hoping I don't run into any issues this month. At this appointment, I will also schedule my mid-cycle ultrasound day. 

How do I feel? 

AF arrived with a vengeance this morning. Sorry if this is TMI... But I normally have a few "regular flow" days prior to heavy days. This time, I started off extremely heavy. I am sure it has to do with the progesterone for thickening my lining. 

Last cycle when AF arrived I was excited and couldn't wait to get started. This time, there wasn't that excitement. It was more like acceptance. The timing is working out perfect: AF came on time, the dates all line up well with my calendar, and I'll be able to get everything in before my travel dates. But I feel myself a little bit bitter and subdued about the whole thing. Perhaps I'm still disappointed from cycle #1 not working, it's only been a few days. I'm not really sure what it is. It has been a tough week emotionally and I have new fears where my Little Guy is concerned... There's just a lot right now that I need to compartmentalize. 

I haven't changed my mind. I still want to have a birth child. I still want to go through this process. 

If Cycle #2 doesn't work -- I'm going to have to skip June as I'll be traveling a lot and the days will not work to do a monitored cycle. With everything I learned from cycle #1, I'm hoping I can linger less on the Google-Oracle and on the forums. I also need to buy new insemisocks for my IUI and ultrasounds. Need to make sure I stay positive. I am also looking into fertility acupuncture. Heard it helps and I want to do all I can do to have a successful cycle. 

Here's to hoping for a successful Cycle #2! 

"What wonderful thing didn't start out scary?" 

Isaac Marion