FET #2 (Cycle 11) TWW Symptom Spotting

I've been meaning to post some of my TWW experience from my successful FET #2 Cycle (Cycle 11). I think I was holding back until things looked good with the pregnancy. Well, I'm almost 20 weeks now - so maybe it's time I just post it!

I did post blog entries on my TWW here and here.

These notes I took as I obsessed over the TWW, the unedited version where I was symptom spotting and hoping for a miracle. Not sure how much of this was due to me actually being pregnant or if it was more anxiety or medicine related. But here are my obsessive ramblings:

1dpt: feeling tired, feeling hopeful. I've been feeling nauseous almost this entire cycle. I still feel nauseous. Normal foods aren't appealing to me.

2dpt: felt some pinching in my uterus, hoping it's implantation. Still have food aversions. Lots of progesterone side effects. Sore boobs.

3dpt: some cramping in my uterus. Hoping it's not AF. I tested early on an internet cheapie. BFN. But I expected that, it's way to early to test. I had a horrible back spasm when I was folding clothes. Not sure what it was that caused it and haven't had something like that before. Slept pretty good this night, which is new. Not getting a gut feeling if the transfer worked or not. Wish God would whisper in my ear. Maybe He is and I'm so distracted from POAS that I'm missing it.

4dpt: saw a post on a forum I follow where a lady that had a transfer the same day as me had a clear BFP already! Would I be so lucky? Tested on a FRER, pulling out the big POAS dogs, and I saw a "shadow" of a line. Indent line or the real thing? Feeling hopeful and subdued at the same time. Feeling nauseous still. Hungry, but hungry for all the wrong stuff. Very distracted all day about the thought of the shadow line! Something new and strange: watery CM.

5dpt: today I think I saw the same type of shadow of a line. So maybe the box of FRER's were defective or I'm seeing things? It was a little easier to see than the one yesterday. I started really feeling like it didn't work today. Starting to prepare myself. Getting pains in my breasts. Watery CM continues. Runny nose.

6dpt: is it a shadow or is it a line? On a new box of FRERs and a really faint line came up almost right away. It's faint, but dark enough to take a picture of & for it to show up. So darker than yesterday's. Still not convinced it's positive. It's still a shadow of a line and I'm convinced all FRER's have the test strip that shows through. Wish it was more conclusive. Holding onto hope by a thin wire. Also, thought I saw the slightest color on the CG. All the other ones were stark white. Man, I'm going crazy over here!

Peed on a CG 3x's today and saw a faint line on every single one. Real?
I started getting cramps this evening - AF?

7dpt: BFP's!!!!! Getting: Migraines, super tired, feeling dizzy.

12dpt: Just to note: dry mouth and cramps.


I stopped really tracking it here since I ended up in Beta Hell for a few weeks and was tracking it on my blog. But that's it, how my TWW symptom spotting went and all my POAS madness.

FET #2 (Cycle 11): TWW POAS Madness and "maybe" it worked?

I made it to beta testing day without testing early. J/K! Not me. I have no restraint. I've been peeing on a stick (POAS) since 3dpt (three days post transfer). I know, I know. I have no patience! So, POAS I did.... many, many sticks. I also spent many hours googling this and that. 

"Faintest of faint lines on a FRER" 
"Negative on 3dpt, but positive later" 
"Evap lines on FRER" 
"Indent lines on FRER" 
"Positive on FRER after the recommended time" 

You get the picture. Over obsessing much? Well yeah. TTC for so long, it becomes part of the "routine" in a way. 

I was back and forth on whether I was going to post this blog entry... But I figure, I've been pretty up-to-date with things, so why stop now? Here is the madness from the last few days. 

Early Testing: 

As I mentioned, I tested early... and often. It wasn't intentional, but once I started to POAS - I just couldn't stop! Here's how it's all gone down. 

3dpt FMU (first morning urine) on Clinical Guard (CG - internet cheapie): Negative. I expected a negative, just wanted to get used to the POAS routine!

4dpt FMU on FRER (first response early results): Negative or slight shadow of a line? I saw *something* or could've been my line eyes. Not photographical. My thoughts: Inconclusive.

5dpt FMU on FRER and CG: Why not POAS with two different brands at the same time? I swear I saw another shadow of a line on the FRER, which was a little darker than yesterday's shadow. Now I'm thinking that maybe this box of FRER's was defective. The CG was negative (not unexpected as the CG is less sensitive). But I can clearly see a line within the "reading" window of 1-10 minutes on the FRER. Now, later in the day - 12 hours later - the line was clearer. Controversies galore on reading HPT's after the recommended time... Just google it, I did! My thoughts: Inconclusive

6dpt FMU on FRER and CG: a line came up right away on the FRER. But it was SOOOO faint!!!! But it wasn't a shadow of a line like the past few days. I did use a new box of FRER's, just in case the first box was defective. This one I could kinda sorta photograph where you can kinda sorta see the extremely faint line. IRL, it looks pink and I don't have to squint. But I may be seeing things. Something called, "line eyes." It's a real thing, I tell you! Why cameras can't pick up on it when it's so easy to see IRL, no clue. Now, the CG test there was also a very faint of the faintest lines you can ever get on these things. It was so light that I couldn't photograph it. The other days with CG, they were stark white. Can this be a BFP? The FRER got darker within an hour after taking the test and looked like a real positive after about 2 hours. My thoughts: Inconclusive.

For those looking at this picture that haven't been TTC, you're probably thinking, "I don't see anything!" Yeah, that's the POAS TTC-ers. A line, even if faint, is supposed to mean "pregnant." Also, I'm testing early... so it's almost expectant to get a squinter like this. Which can mean = line eyes!

At this point in my POAS marathon madness... I was going a bit crazy. Too scared to think "this is it" and more thinking that I should prepare myself for a negative. I have been scouring the Internet and no matter what search terms I put in, Google can't tell me if I'm pregnant. LOL. Duh. But hey, it'd be nice if there was something more definitive. My thoughts are: Can I get a really clear second line where there's no wondering?!!! Please and thank you! 

Then my thoughts also wondered: my transfer was at 2:15~2:30pm in the afternoon. does that mean when I do FMU that I'm actually only at 5 1/2 days instead of 6 days? Does that "half day" matter where HCG is concerned? I just want to know!!! The circle of thoughts and still no answers.

Then, just because I could, I POAS on the CG again, since I have so many. Did one in the afternoon = same faint positive line and one in the evening = same faint positive line.

That's when I decided I would finally pull out the ClearBlue Digital for the next day testing.

7dpt: The ClearBlue Digital (CB) had me a bit scared. I was worried to take it. Why? Normally they need a higher concentration of HCG and every other time I've taken it, I've gotten the horrid "Not Pregnant" result. It just makes it so real. So I had decided that IF the CB was negative, that I would stop squinting at lines and call the cycle a bust.

I reluctantly got up in the morning to "get it over with" as I was for sure expecting to see a negative from this digital test. At 5am I crawl out of bed, pee in the cup, then dip all three tests in. Why not? I have the tests, might as well use them! Then I waited. I didn't see the line on the FRER right away and was thinking, "Oh no, is the line going to be lighter than yesterday or is it going to be another squinter?" Then... the digital finished processing and this is what I got: 

I couldn't believe it! Then when my sleepy eyes looked at the FRER and the CG, the faint lines were a little darker than 6dpt!

Now... my initial reaction was that I was imagining the entire thing. So, I took a picture of it and looked at it, then looked back at the test and back at the picture. My first POSITIVE EVER!

I cried and prayed and cried and prayed and texted friends that knew I had my transfer and posted on the SMC board and cried and prayed some more. Then I just sat there starring at the "Pregnant 1-2 weeks" and wondering, "Can this really be real???!!" After all of this TTC, is it really happening this time?! I truly felt like I wanted to keep POAS all day, just to make sure I kept seeing a line. I did end up POAS one more time in the evening on the CG and it came back with a clear, yet light, line. So of course my concern is how light the lines are on the FRER and CG. Because there's not anything else to worry about, right? I wish I could relax for my beta test, but I'm anxious to hear the number before I get too crazy excited.

I'm cautiously optimistic... I know there's so much more that has to happen before I will ever feel comfortable. First, my beta tomorrow. What will my numbers be? Then the follow-up beta, will the numbers double? There's more after that... but I want to take one step at a time, as I've done this entire time. Focusing too far ahead is a little overwhelming. So... next step: Beta test to confirm pregnancy.

Right now, it "Maybe" worked and I may be a little pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to be happy with that right now and try to focus on positivity and the possibility of all of this. I have to admit to crying throughout the day every time I though that there may be a baby growing inside me... I just hope this is really it. Please be a sticky little one (or two). 

Next Steps: 

• 9/30: Beta test!!!!!!! Hoping to get good news! 

Click the hyperlink for more details on FET #2, IVF Cycles, or TTC journey.

FET #2 (Cycle 11): The Two Week Wait, 4dp5dFET

I have to admit, I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I will test early. I'm tempted to test early so I'll "know" earlier. But at the same time, I'm worried about getting a false positive again. Luckily my Beta test is at 8dp5dFET, instead of 9dp. Trust me, one day earlier makes a huge difference. Originally I was thinking I was not going to test early. But after stressing about it even before my transfer, I decided that yes - yes I will POAS. And I'll do it many-many times. No restraint for me.

Technically, I transferred two Day 6 embryos.  But my clinic counts it like it's a Day 5 transfer. 

I had all this anxiety around my transfer and then when I had the transfer, it was like the anxiety disappeared... now, I am curious about how this cycle will end... but I don't have much anxiety over it, if that makes sense. 

PIO Fun 

As normal, PIO has become a pain. I had my first experience with finding blood in the needle when I pulled out. I also had my first crazy blood gusher this cycle. It got everywhere. Ugh. I'm very sore and am running out of room to inject as I'm getting bruises everywhere. <sigh> My least favorite part of it all.

Sickness

This entire cycle I've felt sick. Nauseous, migraines, tummy aches, food aversions. It's the strangest thing. Not sure what's different about this cycle that's caused this. But I haven't felt 100% since August. I don't think these are early pregnancy signs since I've been having them since August. It'd be nice to feel myself again...! But if this cycle works, I'll take feeling sick over anything else. 

At Least 1 Good Egg?

I remember when I had my failed fresh transfer in February and I had my WTF meeting with my RE, he had said, "I believe there's at least 1 baby out of the 4 embryos." Now we are at the end of these 4 embryos. Let's see if he's right... with my age, 60% of my eggs should have been "normal" statistically without having done genetic testing. Round up or round down? We know 2 transfers definitely didn't work, which leaves 50% of my eggs in this cycle. Both good? Only 1 good? Even if they're good, will they implant?

That is the million dollar question...

I can't believe that I only have one more appointment this cycle...

Blood work today:

Progesterone: ? Didn't post for some reason
E2: 775
Portal Message: No Changes

I've been scouring the Internet with FET stories and faint HPT stories. Also reading up on implantation signs. According to this nifty calendar, implantation should have happened by today.  So, we shall see.

I normally have a "gut" feeling on my cycles. Thinking they either worked or didn't. Obviously the gut feeling on them not working were accurate! There were a few cycles where I was convinced that they worked. 10000%. Obviously I was wrong!! Lol. This time... not sure. Of course I want it to work, but my gut is telling me nothing! Only a few days left until I know-know. 

Next Steps: 

• 9/30/16: Beta Test 

Click the hyperlink for more details on FET #2, IVF Cycles, or TTC journey.

IUI #7 (Cycle 10): Two Week Wait IUI-Style

It feels weird being in the Two Week Wait (TWW) after an IUI. I have to wait a FULL 14 days to find out if it worked. With IVF, I only had to wait 9 days after a transfer for the blood test. And yes, those 5 days matter! Not to mention, there's more certainty with IVF. You know the egg was fertilized. You know you have an embryo. With IUI, you just don't know if the sperm and egg ever met. Will see how this TWW goes for me. I'm hoping to just "forget" about it for 14 days. LOL, yeah right.

To start off: I'm not planning on testing at home. I've never not tested for a cycle. But with my cycles with a false positive on a HPT... I don't want to go through that ever again. Plus, I figure the 6-10% chances of this IUI working are so slim statistically... why add the extra stress of POAS? Let's see if I can even manage this "not testing" thing!

Here's a picture of the "process" and what I hope will be happening during the TWW. Again, with IUI - you don't know if the sperm and egg met.

Random Thoughts: 

• Started the progesterone suppositories and multiple night peeing seems to be in my future. I hate that side effect. 
• My BB's were really sore the day after the IUI, before I started the progesterone. Must be a reaction from the Stim meds. Then after I started the progesterone --- OUCH! So very sore. Another hated side effect. 
• I had some pain in my left ovary the day of and after the IUI. Thinking its related to the cyst maybe? 
• Tried to drink a little bit of caffeine (haven't had any caffeine in July) & got a headache. Ugh.
• Tried my best NOT to count the days post IUI. Every time I started a mental calculation, I needed to distract myself. Looking at a calendar was not good! And I look at a calendar all the time for work and for scheduling my personal appointments... I had to keep telling myself "Don't count!!" This worked until 1 week in, when it was obvious which days post IUI I was. <sigh>
• Started getting some cramping a few days after the IUI. Early for AF, but my cycles are all off right now. But having cramps less than a week after the IUI is not making me optimistic about this cycle. 
• IUI's are almost easier than IVF. With an IUI, you know the odds are so low - so your expectations are a bit low. Although you still hope to be in that lucky percentile. With IVF, you put your body through so much and the expectations are so much higher. You know you have an embryo. IUI, you don't know what the heck is going on inside your body. 
• I keep telling myself that this cycle didn't work, to prepare myself for the inevitable negative result of this unexpected IUI. I even asked one friend not to ask me about the results of this cycle and to just sum it up to it not working... But in my heart of hopes... I hope I'm surprised with a positive. I feel bad feeling like it didn't work before it's verified. But the cycle was just a disaster, I don't want to get all my hopes up - hoping for that BFP... Then have it all crumple. 
• Getting night sweats and vivid dreams. All progesterone-related I'm sure. But the dreams... I can do without the dreams. When I'm on progesterone the dreams seem so real. I ended up waking up one night so disturbed by my dream and couldn't go back to sleep because it was haunting me!
• Staying distracted by listening to audio books, keeps my mind occupied. 
• Starting to get a bit stuffy, coming down with a cold? Also some chills/dizzy spells. Ugh. Hope I'm not getting sick. Adding a sore throat to this. :( 
• I am SO anxious for this TWW to be over. I know it's a long shot for this IUI to work... But man, I'm hoping it did. Either way, can't wait for the TWW to be over so I can start thinking of next steps, either way. The anxiousness is starting to sway me into testing early... 
• This was probably my most emotional draining TWW. I think it's because of the way the cycle went. The last cycle I had such a hard time with was IVF #1 because it was cancelled :( 
• Have I mentioned hot flashes and hot sweats? In this heat--- horrid. 
• 10dpIUI (hard not to count at that point) I had some brown spotting. Very small amount. Implantation bleeding or precursor to AF or maybe the suppositories are irritating my cervix?? So much wondering from a little bit of spotting. LOL. Can it be this, or that, or this. Crazy TTC mind. 

The cycle is almost over... Let's see what there results are. 

Next Steps:

• 8/4/16: Beta Test

IVF #2 (Cycle 8): Two Week Wait - IVF Style

The interesting thing about going through IVF is that the infamous Two Week Wait (TWW) is a little different. My clinic does the Beta/Pregnancy test 14 days after Egg Retrieval. My Egg Retrieval was on 2/17, so my Beta Test is on 3/2. So, a portion of the TWW was spent more focused on the Fertilization Reports (Day 1, Day 3, Day 5, Frozen). My actual Egg Transfer was on 2/22. So really, all the anxiety over the 14 days of the TWW were focused on other things for at least a few days. I really only have NINE days where I really have to "wait and see."

I found this diagram and thought it would be interesting to follow along on what can be happening each day post-transfer.

Here's how the TWW went for me: 

1dp5dt (2/23)

One day post-transfer I feel a little bloated. I'm not cramping much anymore, I just feel really "full." I kept waking up in the middle of the night and thinking, "wow, I have an embryo inside of me!" It's such a strange feeling. When doing my IUI's, there was no way to know if the sperm ever inseminated the egg. With this, I know what the embryo looks like and that it was growing really nicely. I just hope it continues growing, these little embies go through so much to become a little person.

Still feeling a little over-tired today and had to take a mid-day power nap to get back into it. Also, my BB's are very sensitive. Progesterone maybe? Estrogen patches maybe?

I've been thinking a lot about my "anxiety" over this all working out. Today, I'm choosing happiness. I'm choosing to Let Go and Let God. I have to trust that God has a plan and that if my little embie blastie is meant to become a baby, then he/she will. I'm repeating the following mantras:

"I choose happiness"
"I choose optimism"
"I trust God's choices"
"Give it to God"
"Everything will turn out as it should"

2dp5dt (2/24)

Might I say that the PIO shots are actually "easy" now? The icing really helps and I think the heating pad does too. I am getting a little bruised up because I am only injecting on my right side. I haven't gotten enough courage to see if I can inject with my left hand, on my left side yet... I've only had two "gusher" experiences thus far! Only one week left of PIO shots... And one more week until my beta test... Eek! If the cycle is a success, my RE switches to the progesterone suppositories after the positive beta test. 

Feeling some minor "pressure" today, not cramping really, but similar. Still over-tired in the afternoon. 

Not feeling overly eager to test yet. But had to repeat my mantras a few times when I felt overwhelmed & emotional about everything. 

3dp5dt (2/25) - Blood Work/Hormone Levels

Had my blood draw today to check my hormone levels. Results: 

• Progesterone: 19.18
• Estradiol: 176.1

Changes to medication: 

• Add a progesterone suppository starting tomorrow morning. 
• Add an estrogen patch today; meaning I will be wearing 3 estrogen patches. 

When I received the results of my blood work, I have to admit I pretty much had a mini-freak out. I started googling what my levels should be at that point in the Luteal Phase. Surprisingly there's not much out there. I emailed the nurse to ask her what the "ideal" levels are. They want to see Progesterone at least 40 and E2 a percentage of my last E2 reading (they wanted to see at least 295). Nurse said not to worry about it. Hoping the med adjustments bring up the numbers. 

I also ran into a snag. I didn't order the progesterone suppositories yet since there was a short shelf life on it and I thought I wouldn't need them until after a positive Beta test... When I called the pharmacy, they couldn't get me the suppositories until Tuesday of next week. I have some left-over suppositories from one of my IUI cycles that have not expired, so I'm using those until I get the ones from my pharmacy on Tuesday... 

PIO # of blood gushers to date: 3 

4dp5dt (2/26)   

I had a strange dream last night. It was the holidays and I had a newborn baby. My mother was in my dream and wanted to spend time with my kids (my son and new baby). Some background, I have not been in contact with my mother since 2008. I didn't grow up with her, as my parents divorced when I was 5 (father had custody) and we were never close/never really got along. There was some drama in 2008 and she cut herself off from my older brother and me, and we haven't heard from her since. So dreaming about her trying to spend time with my kids was strange. I guess it's because she always said she couldn't wait to be a grandma. Now, she is technically a "grandma" - but through her choices, she is not around to be a "real" grandma. Must be all the hormones or the potential to have my own birth child that has my subconscious thinking about my own birth mother.

A little secret, I have the picture of my little embie blastie on my refrigerator and also saved it as my screen background on my phone. My other embies on ice, I've printed their pictures too. I can't help but wonder who each one would grow up to be if given the opportunity.

I have to admit today was the first day that I started to worry if my little embie blastie has implanted... Started thinking about "what if" either way, what would happen next.

PIO # of blood gushers to date: 3 

Some cramping in my uterus... AF? Or embie implanting? Googling "implantation vs AF cramps" left me with no real answer. Lol. Google Oracle fail.

5dp5dt (2/27)  

I was supposed to have my last acupuncture appointment today. This session was supposed to focus on helping with implantation. However, my acupuncturist came down with a bad cold (the flu has been going around here), so she had to cancel with me. I was totally fine with that. Makes the day a little less stressful/busy for me. Plus more time with the boys. 

I've been contemplating when I should do a pregnancy test... I'm going to try and hold off until the day before my beta test. Let's see if I can hold off. I'm not sure how I'll handle only seeing one line, so waiting is better for me this time. 

Trying not to "symptom hunt" because I am on progesterone AND estrogen -- both have side-effects that can look like early pregnancy. But, still minor cramping, a bit of a headache, over tired, peeing a lot. Also, started sneezing, stuffy and have a runny nose. Hope I'm not coming down with something! 

My right side where I do my PIO shots is hurting and bruised up pretty bad now. So, I tried my left side - injecting with my left hand. Surprisingly, my leftie did pretty good! The aim was a little off & plunging was a little awkward, but I managed! Wish I would've switched sides before. I will probably stick with this side until Beta test... Which I only have 3 or 4 more injections left...

6dp5dt (2/28)

Only three more days until my beta test... Starting to have major doubts that it worked... I'm preparing myself for a negative result and looking up what a FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle looks like. I'll be surprised if I get a positive result, I'm having cramping that's very similar to my failed IUI's at this point in the Luteal phase. Wondering if I should've transferred both embryos instead of the one... <sigh> 

Just to note, my nurse told me to lay down for 15 minutes after inserting my progesterone suppository. Impossible on weekends! The boys and my dog, can't even sit down for 15 minutes. I set my timer and got up at least 5x's. 

I'm also very susceptible to crying! When a Paw Patrol episode gets you teary eyes, you know you're on too many fertility meds! Lol.

7dp5dt (2/29)

2 more days until Beta... I'm going to test tomorrow and see what happens. I am convinced that it didn't work. Had a hard time concentrating at work today, mind kept wondering back to if the cycle worked or not.

8dp5dt (3/1) 

I had a negative pregnancy test this morning. I expected it... Blood work tomorrow to confirm.

Next Up: The "official results" of this entire IVF cycle...

• 9dp5dt (3/2) - Beta Pregnancy Test 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

IUI Cycle #6: Two Week Wait

Here I am... My last IUI Cycle #6 and my 6th TWW. Let me tell you, the TWW doesn't get easier the more cycles you go through.

• After the IUI, I was bloated again and a bit uncomfortable for the rest of the day. 
• 24 hours after the IUI, all I could think is: "If it is going to happen, it's happening now." The first 24 hours after an IUI is when things should happen. But you still have to wait the full two weeks to figure out if it did. Wish there was some way to know sooner. 
• When I started the Progesterone, had all the same symptoms as previous TWW's, unfortunately! Not that I was expecting something different, but it would've been nice to have less symptoms. Going to sleep at 8pm is not that productive! 
• Being so tired on Progesterone and then having to do feedings at night for my new foster son, Munchkin -- was a bit exhausting! I'm tired. I could sleep for a whole day straight if I had the opportunity! Maybe I'll have the boys go to a babysitter for a day so I can rest. Hmm... 
• Still getting hot flashes. I hate those things...! 
• I always have the most vivid dreams during the TWW. This can be good and bad! They just seem so real. 
• During the second week stretch of the TWW, I was anxiously excited to find out if this cycle works. It's like so much is riding on how this cycle turns out. Either I'm preparing to welcome Baby C in 9 months or I'm preparing for IVF... Which both directions would be uncharted territory. 
• As I get closer to testing if this cycle worked or not... I am a bit nervous. I don't want it not to work... So it's a bit nerve wrecking. Right now, there's nothing I can do. It either worked or it didn't, it's just a matter of waiting and finding out what the next steps are. 
• Started getting AF cramps, so thinking this cycle is a bust. Scared to do a HPT... 

Thoughts On IVF 

I've gone back and forth on whether I REALLY want to start IVF right away. Most of me wants to wait, take a few months off, lose some weight, get back into shape, get re-connected with myself, save some money. However, the truth is that it's a money issue. 

If I do IVF in 2015, then almost everything is covered. This is what it'll look like: 

• I've already met my deductible of $500 
• Insurance will cover 80/20 of costs up to my out of pocket fees of $2000 
• I have about $500 left to reach the out of pocket fees of $2000
• Then, insurance will cover 100%
• Total Cost (not including donor sperm) = $500 

If I wait until 2016, then it'll look like this: 

• Meet Deductible $500 
• Insurance will then cover 80/20 of costs until I meet out of cost fees of $2000. 
• Then, insurance will cover 100% 
• Total Cost (not including donor sperm) = $2500 

That's a huge difference, right? I might as well just jump right in. I have to keep in mind that insurance doesn't cover donor sperm (of course) and doesn't cover genetic testing or any extra things (i.e. assisted hatching). So, if I want those things done - even if I do them in 2015 - these things will be out of pocket. There is a potential for more costs in 2015 if I go that route. 

Anyways, it's been playing with me. I've gone back and forth on -- WAIT till 2016. Then, NO let's do it in 2015. 

Another factor that's playing into my decision on moving forward with IVF is that I'll be on adoption leave for all of December. Which makes it easy to do the Egg Retrieval and Egg Transfer, without having to take time off of work. 

Ugh. Choices, decisions, $$, time. Let's hope that I don't even have to go there and that this cycle #6 worked. Only a few more days until I find out. 

Next Step: Beta Test 10/27/15 @ 8:00 a.m.

IUI Cycle #5: Two Week Wait

This was a strange TWW for me. The entire Cycle #5 has been so odd, kind of like I'm on "replay" or something - just going through the motions. The first week, of the TWW, went by relatively quickly. I felt really bloated after this IUI, not sure why! It lasted 2 days. Very uncomfortable. Started the progesterone and had my typical reactions to it.

The second week was hectic. Some new life stuff going on: 

• I have a new foster baby! 
• A friend also just moved in, temporarily. 
• I received confirmation that I was Certified to Adopt my Little Guy! 

There was a lot of adjustment for us as a family. Adding a new foster baby changes the dynamics. Little Guy is learning to be a big brother :) And he's super adorable with the new baby! Also, my friend moved in with her children staying occasionally. So, we went from a 2 person household to having 5 people, sometimes 6, in the house. Big change for all of us and something I need to adjust to. Tweaking our routine is a little bit more complicated than I thought it would be.

Also, found out my cousin's wife is pregnant with their second child. Their first baby just turned 1. I'm very happy for them! But at the same time I'm envious they are having such an easy time having kids. They're way younger than me - so I know that plays a big role on fertility. It's just hard to be trying so hard and not having any luck.

I've also been toying with a decision... if IUI #5 and IUI #6 are not successful, that maybe I'm going to take a break from TTC. Once I made this an option, I felt relieved... IVF scares me. I also am concerned about my weight. So, I'm thinking that if this cycle and next cycle do not work -- that I'll take 6 months to lose some weight and get back to being centered. I've read that weight plays a factor in IVF success rates. Additionally, I've gained so much weight since starting this journey - I need to get it under control. I'm just so hormonal on all these fertility medications. Ugh. But I feel good about possibly taking a break.

Here's to seeing if IUI #5 will be a success... 

Next Step: Beta Test on 9/29 @ 8am. 

IUI Cycle #4: The Infamous Two Week Wait version 4.0

Here we go again, the l-o-n-g-e-s-t 14 days ever. I don't know what happens to time, but once the TWW begins - time just seems to slow down to a snail pace.

Things to Keep Me Busy: 

• Back to my declutter project with a vengeance... or so I thought. The progesterone made me so tired, I was highly unproductive. I did get a few things done though! 
• Read a few books - would have read more if I wasn't on hold for some book series at the library. Have I mentioned how much I love the library! Borrowing audio books and e-books has saved me so much, especially considering how many books I read in a year. 
• Started planning my adoption finalization party for Little Guy! Long overdue and excited about finally celebrating. 
• Caught up on tv shows and movies. 

Symptoms and Feelings: 

• After the first progesterone suppository, already started feeling tired. Blah. Hard to wake up. 
• Only a few days after the IUI, been going to sleep early - like 8:30pm. Just so exhausted. Darn progesterone!
• I'm overly emotional, getting teary eyed over everything - birth stories, happy stories, sad stories, adoption stories, my adoption planning, etc. The tears come! I'm blaming it on the progesterone. 
• Started peeing in the middle of the night again. Grrr. It's as bad as cycle #1. Cycle 2-3 weren't as bad. Wonder if there's anything I can do to avoid this side-effect?
• I'm tired, but can't sleep! Insomnia? I'm a side sleeper and I'm starting to get "side-sores" while sleeping (when I'm able to sleep) - which leads to tossing and turning. I'm just so tired! Ugh. Again, blaming it on the progesterone! Lol. Progesterone gets a bad wrap. 
• Some pain in my left ovary at about 5dpIUI. Really uncomfortable.  Hoping it's not a cyst! Ugh. 
• Sore BB's also started at about 5dpIUI. 
• Vivid dreams - some of which I can do without! 
• I'm irritable - probably because I haven't been sleeping well 😕
• Feeling really hot, sweating easily. Some hot flashes. I hate those things. Hate feeling hot in this horrid heat.

Random TWW Rumination's: 

• The first 24 hours after the IUI is when the "magic" is supposed to happen. The day after the IUI, I just kept thinking "Magic is happening!" And repeating positive affirmations. Figured, it can't hurt! 
• It's hard to hope so hard for a BFP and imagine seeing a positive pregnancy test vs preparing for a 5th cycle... Since there's so much to prepare for if this cycle doesn't work, it's hard to not focus on it. Two different directions this can go. I don't want to be pessimistic and plan for Cycle #5, but I also don't want to be caught unprepared and have delays. <sigh> Sometimes this process sucks. 
• Attended a friend's baby shower for her "surprise" baby. She missed a Birth Control Pill and got pregnant. It was kind of weird being at a baby shower... Not horrible, but almost like an outer body experience! LOL. I brought Little Guy with me (with permission), but didn't realize that others wouldn't bring their small kids. This is the first shower I went to where people didn't bring their kids... But everyone else was married - I don't really have the luxury of just leaving Little Guy for a few hours on the weekend without planning for it and paying $$ for a sitter. 
• It's so crazy how disconnected I feel from myself when I'm on fertility meds! I think that makes the TWW harder because I'm not totally myself, and don't feel like myself - which makes me think of the TWW, which makes me think of getting pregnant, which makes me think about if I'm not pregnant, which means my mind is constantly thinking about this. Silly circular patterns. Staying distracted is so hard! Darn these fertility drugs! Will be grateful if they help me get pregnant, but will be happy when I don't have to take them anymore. Necessary evil. 
• Just to be totally transparent... And I hate to type this as I fear it'll jinx me this cycle. But, I've been sharing all the bad stuff - the fears and worries and everything, that I also want to share good things. I had a few dreams that this cycle was a success! That it actually worked. Time will tell if my dream/thoughts were for "this cycle", but I'm hoping these dreams and feelings comes true! Fingers crossed!  
• I had my 6-month Diabetic Checkup with my PCP. He wants me to exercise more! Since I haven't been exercising since TTC. We are doing some blood work to see where my A1C levels are at. I asked if the diabetes can be impacting my egg quality. This has been a big fear of mine! He said no, since it's controlled. We'll know more when my blood work comes back. He did say that the Metformin should help me with TTC. I hope so! 

I had a lot of complaining and overall grumpiness during this TWW! Sheesh. Sorry for the bitter read. 😁 But honestly, if this cycle leads to a BFP -- I will go through all of this again! 

I think most of the underlying bitter thoughts (besides the progesterone side-effects suck!) is that I'm not so sure if this will lead to a BFP and a Cycle #5 just pisses me off. Searching for a new donor and spending the $ for it just stresses me out. <sigh> 

I've been looking into: domestic infant adoption, adopting embryos, and using donor eggs. Just looking at all the options available. I never really understood embryo adoption or donor eggs, but I've now learned a lot. It's very interesting. Still hoping I'll be successful with TTC with my own eggs... 

I just hope at the end of this journey, that I will indeed have my little Baby C in my arms and I can say, "This was all worth it." 

Next Step: Beta Test 8/31 @ 8:00 am

IUI Cycle #3: Two Week Wait version 3.0

I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the TWW. Originally, I wanted to track it like I did last time. Because you know the minute I don't track things, will be the cycle that is successful and I would've wished I tracked things.

I already know I'll have all the progesterone side-effects. I had them for the first two cycles. So, I don't really need to dive into those sorts of things again. I think this time I'm just going to wing it and write when I have something on my mind. I'm going to try my best not to track every single day, as that makes it feel just that much longer!

After the IUI

I had some cramps the day of the IUI. I was also extremely emotional the night of my IUI. Just couldn't get into a "normal" frame of mind. I can't remember the last time I allowed myself to wallow like that. But I think it's good to let myself feel my emotions. Most of the time I feel like I bottle them up inside. It felt good to really let myself FEEL.

I read through some of my old diaries where I first started considering having a baby on my own. Way back in 2008/2009. I wanted to start at 32 years old. I had these "plans" to attack the dating world and "get out there". Wanted to make sure I put a good effort towards Plan A before having a baby on my own. The dating thing didn't really work for me. I decided to become a foster parent in 2010, which pushed back my TTC timeline AND my potential dating life.  Funny how life works out sometimes...

Things to keep me busy: 

• Grey's Anatomy Season 11 marathon on Netflix - Bad Idea, I was a crying mess! 
• Read some novels - got through 5 1/2 books. And yes, I was a crying mess over some of the books as well! 
• Had a business trip out of State. 
• Social Events: Attended a birthday party, an awards event, had meetings. 
• Started a declutter project! Got a lot done! 

Symptoms and Feelings: 

• I was an emotional wreck for the week after my IUI. Easy to cry about everything! Which is totally not like me! Hate that my emotions are all over the place.  
• The progesterone had me exhausted. I was highly unproductive and the house got a little out of control until I started my declutter project!!! 
• Hot Flashes starting at 8dpIUI 
• Congested - not sure if related to TTC, but started about 8dpIUI. 
• Starting getting cramps about 9dpIUI - AF coming? By 11dpIUI was positive AF was coming, but thinking the Progesterone is delaying it. Which, if AF is coming - would work out in my best interest for AF to be late... as I'm traveling! So, the timing would work better if I start when I get back, so I don't have to skip the next cycle (if this cycle isn't a success). 

Thoughts: 

• Although I tried not to focus on it, I couldn't help but think about a future with a little Baby C. I've even decided on potential names...! 
• Thoughts of a 4th cycle make me feel so tired and exhausted. 
• I hate and love Google so much. I need to stay away from it. No matter what I Google, it can't tell me if this cycle will be a success.  
• I felt so emotion this entire TWW... made me wonder how much more of this I can take if this time doesn't work. I'm such a jumble of emotions. Why is this TWW so emotional? 
• I'm pretty sure that this cycle will end up not being successful. 

Beta Test Results on Friday, if AF doesn't show up first. Since I had my IUI so late in the cycle, I'm due for AF any day now. 

IUI Cycle #2: TWW Confessions - Week #2 & POAS-Test-A-Thon

The final stretch of the TWO WEEK WAIT and the POAS-test-a-thon. 

The funny thing about the TWW... Week #1, there's all this optimism.

• "This is It!" 
• "This can happen!" 
• "I think it's happening right now!" 
• Imagining the BFP on that HPT (home pregnancy test) 

Week #2 of the TWW is a little more subdued and the doubts start sneaking in. Here are my ruminations and confessions for week numero dos of the TWW.


8dpIUI (5/19)

Some new symptoms (to add to the list): some cramping, a little dizziness, & I'm running "colder" than normal -- then will get really hot, all in spurts. I also have some sensitivity in my BB's (sorry if that's TMI! Just tracking! LOL). 

POAS-A-Thon: When doing fertility drugs it gets complicated testing early for a pregnancy test. They tell you NOT to test early. "It's only a few more days till Beta." Yeah... let me tell you, during the TWW those "few more days" feel like an eternity just waiting to know!

Yesterday, I started testing out my Pregnyl HCG Trigger Shot using the Wondfo pregnancy tests. I'm going to stick with the same brand, as different brands have different HCG sensitivities (learned that during Cycle#1 TWW!).

The theory is, test with FMU (first morning urine) until I get a "negative" test. Right now, I should test positive because the HCG Trigger puts the pregnancy hormone into my body. The "positive" line should fade every day. Once it is completed faded -- the HCG Trigger is out of my system. IF the positive line starts getting DARKER, then it *can* be a "true positive" test.

Let the Testing Trigger POAS (pee on a stick) Days commence! Last cycle, the line went away after CD 11. Today, the line was fainter than it was yesterday - could barely see it. I looked up the HCG "sensitivity" of the Wondfo and it's at 25. So, at least I know the Trigger shot HCG levels are decreasing. Maybe it'll be totally gone tomorrow?

9dpIUI (5/20) 

No new symptoms to add to the list (Thank Goodness!). Can I get any more side effects to progesterone... sheesh.

Secret Thoughts: I'm starting to have doubts this cycle worked. Like REAL doubts. I'm starting to think that I only have 2 vials left of my sperm donor... I originally was hoping to be successful early, so that I can save the vials for a sibling down the road (or at least have an option for it). My donor is sold out... I checked. So, there's no guarantee that if I'm successful that I'll have enough vials left to try for a sibling.

I know, worried about having a second - when I'm still working on TTC my first... but it is something I was really interested in doing, or at least have the option of doing. I suppose I could always use a new donor for a sibling... it's just not ideal.

Then I keep thinking that if I have 4 failed cycles, I'll have to spend another couple grand on a new donor. <sigh> I already have my second choice lined up... but I might look around more and maybe go through a different sperm bank to have more options. Will cross that road when it comes to that.

Anyways. The doubts are bouncing around my head like a ping pong. :(

POAS-A-Thon: Line is VERY light today. Barely there, had to really look for it. Looks more like a shadow at this juncture, which is good!

10dpIUI (5/21) 

Today I started getting small pangs in my right ovary area? A little bit like AF cramping. Is AF coming? She's not due for another week...

Today is the absolute worse day thus far of the TWW...! I am so tempted to test on a FRER... so, so tempted!! I was going to go out and buy some more yesterday... But I'm scared I'll get this silly picture if I did! The one-line monster. It's so weird how all your hopes/dreams can be dashed by seeing only the control line on a HPT.

Secret Thoughts: Still thinking that this cycle is a bust :(  Trying not to put it out there in the universe, but it's circling around in my brain that my next cycle won't be until July!! Feels like forever away. I have to skip June because of my travel schedule. I try to self talk and say "I am pregnant" -- but that's hard to swallow because there's a strong likelihood that I'm not. Only a 20% chance it worked, making 80% chance it didn't work. <sigh> TTC woes.

POAS-A-Thon: Today my Wonfo was defective. There was a strong/pink line in the wrong place. Luckily I've read about the Wondfo already and knew that there was a possibility some could be defective. This one obviously was. I am pretty sure my trigger shot is gone by now though. That's a good thing.

11dpIUI (5/22) 

POAS-A-Thon: I tested on a FRER today...!! I know, I should have waited for tomorrow, but I couldn't help myself! POAS-a-holic here! No self control. Seriously. It was negative. Like stark white - no squinter. So, I'm thinking I'm out this cycle and that I'm not pregnant... I have to admit, I cried pretty hard. I thought I could handle it, that I prepared myself for a negative. But "knowing" it didn't work hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't even think my first IUI Cycle I cried this hard or felt this disappointed. I guess I really thought this one would work....

This journey is hard. The disappointment of a negative test are the worse. At this point, I can't even imagine seeing two lines on a HPT! It's like this mythical thing that will never happen. <sigh> I'll test again tomorrow, just to be sure. I'm back and forth on how to stay positive through all of this. For one, you want to be positive that it "can" happen. But then you don't want to set yourself up for a big fall, right? Where's the happy median?


12dpIUI (5/23) 

POAS-A-Thon: Another BFN when testing this morning, pretty sure I'm out this month. Ugh. Going to schedule an appointment with my RE to discuss my protocol and see if we can get more aggressive, maybe start using injectables or switch to Femera (instead of Clomid)? Will see. It's more upsetting that I have to skip June! Delaying things even further... So disappointed.

13dpIUI (5/24)

POAS-A-Thon: still BFN. Getting AF cramps like last time. Stopped the progesterone today.

14dpIUI (5/25) 

The end of the dreaded TWW is over. Beta test is tomorrow to confirm that I'm not pregnant. It would be nice to end the TWW with a POSITIVE pregnancy test! Alas, it's not this time... Cycle #2 was a bust. 43.2 million sperm couldn't do the job or my egg was not good quality... No way to know for sure.

POAS-A-Thon: still BFN. Guess it's official...

I wish I could live by this quote! <sigh>

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, 

for he shall never be disappointed." 

-Alexander Pope

IUI Cycle #2: TWW Confessions - Week #1

Here we go, the TWO WEEK WAIT!!!!!

For IUI Cycle #1, during the Two Week Wait (Week 1, Week 2), I tracked my "symptoms" and feelings. I felt good doing that because I had a lot going on in my mind and it provided a good release for me. It also helped with my obsessive Google-Tendencies. Since I now know what to expect from the Progesterone... and the Trigger Shot... I'm hoping that this TWW will not be as stressful or crazy.

"These are my confessions..." I keep singing Usher's song in my head! :)

1dpIUI (5/12)

So the TWW begins....! Do you hear ominous music playing in the background? That's how the TWW feels at times. Today, I feel good! Just like a normal day... However, I know I have to start the Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories tonight...!! I didn't have the best reaction to it. The trickery side-effects that mimic early pregnancy signs are no fun. You get excited, but then think "Is it the progesterone?" Here we go, like it or not! I'm also going to start drinking POM juice again (Yuck). I was going to try acupuncture this Cycle, but life got in the way and there was no time to fit it into the calendar. Bummer. 

Overall, I'm feeling good! I figure, if the magic happened - it is already in the process... Trying to be optimistic, but with the real expectation that the TWW might not have any excitement at the end of it. For now though, I'll be optimistic - believe and pray that this *can* be it - that this *can* work. In the back of my mind I keep thinking, "This is it." 

2dpIUI (5/13) 

One day of Progesterone thus far. Not sure if everything is related to the Progesterone or just other stuff. But, here is what I experienced today: vivid dreams, bloating, tiredness, emotional, headache. 

Secret obsession: reading other Single Mothers by Choice blogs! Most of the ones I found have already had their children. I like reading back to the entries when they first started trying, how the TWW went for them, and when they got their BFP's :) Great knowing there are success stories out there. 

3dpIUI (5/14) 

Two days of Progesterone and now the "pee in the middle of the night" thing has started. Along with the excessive tiredness & vivid dreams. I went to sleep at 8pm and was STILL tired when I got up at 5:30am. Maybe because of my 2:30am wakeup call? 

Secret obsession: watching YouTube Videos on conception, IUI's, and the stages of an embryo. I've also been watching YouTube videos on others going through fertility treatments (IUI/IVF). Things have to line up so perfectly to get pregnant. It's a wonder that we have an overpopulation problem! How do people get pregnant these days and how are there so many people in the world? Conception is such a complicated science. 

4dpIUI (5/15) 

Same symptoms! Headaches have subsided some. Second night going to sleep at 8pm! Starting to get doubts that the cycle worked :(  But trying to remain positive. 

Secret Purchase: in trying to be positive with adopting Little Guy and with being positive with believing that I will eventually be successful with TTC, I bought this book :) Little Guy loves to read, so *when* it's time, we'll start reading about bringing a new baby home. 

5dpIUI (5/16)

Added to everything else, now I'm experiencing back pain...! If the month wasn't so busy I would be working out more. I need to really start getting back into yoga. I think it might help my back pain. Zumba is too vigorous while TTC, don't want to hinder implantation, so going to hold back on that for a little while anyways. 

I'm starting to feel like I have no clue if this cycle worked... TWW, you're killing me! 

Secret Confession: I've eaten at fast food places! I've had In-N-Out -- twice!!! Eek! My first IUI cycle, I was so good about eating. This time I'm just doing what I would normally do... Which just happens to be - I eat fast food a few times a week on busy days. 

6dpIUI (5/17)

Adding onto the the things I've mentioned (which have continued), today I started feeling congested and had a runny nose. I also broke out a little on my face! Which isn't normal for me at all. Darn progesterone!!! I'm not 100% sure that these things are related to the progesterone, but it's so easy to blame the progesterone. ;) 

Secret Confession: I got a pedicure last week and they have those massage chairs. I totally forgot that I read somewhere that it's not good to get a massage in early pregnancy. It wasn't a "real" massage! I didn't even think about it until the massage was almost over, too late by then. But it freaked me out a little bit that it may impact implantation or something. Overly worried, I'm sure! If it's going to happen, it'll happen... Or that's what I keep telling myself.

7dpIUI (5/18)

I am officially HALF-WAY through the TWW!!! Woot! Surprisingly, the week went by relatively quickly. I was pretty busy, so that helped a ton. Today, I am having some cramps in my uterus. AF maybe? Or side-effect to progesterone? Who knows...  

Secret Confession: Last time I was on the TWW, I admitted to being a POAS-a-Holic (pee on a stick). That hasn't changed. This time, the focus is to test out my trigger. I started testing it out this morning and it's still there (slightly). Like you REALLY have to squint to see it. One more week to go before I find out if this cycle was successful. 

It's hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up, when you know it's everything you want.

- Unknown

IUI Cycle #1: The torturous Two Week Wait - Week 2

Here are my confessions from Week 2 of the Two Week Wait (TWW). See here for my ramblings during Week 1 of the TWW. 

I REALLY convinced myself that I would not test early. Who am I kidding? Did I really think I would be able to wait 14 whole days? My big confession: I TESTED EARLY! Which in retrospect, I don't regret! It was actually kind of fun POAS and squinting at 3am to see if there *may* be an extremely faint line on the test. Ok, maybe not "fun" - but it was a new experience for me! 

CD23 - 8dpIUI (4/21/15): 

Still the dreaded late night pee-fest going on. 
Still insomnia. 
Still tired (will it ever end?). 
Still irritable. 

Whine-whine-whine or wine? No wine - not yet anyways! POM Juice is growing on me though - there's a positive! It's not as disgusting as the first few days. I've also consulted with the Google-Oracle and was advised that the peeing in the middle of the night thing can be related to the Progesterone. Joy-joy. 

Since I decided to "test early" I started having concerns that my Trigger Shot (which has HCG the pregnancy hormone) would still be in my system. Let me explain the Trigger Shot. 

Trigger Shot

The Pregnyl Trigger Shot has HCG, which is the pregnancy hormone. The Trigger Shot induces ovulation, it's supposed to help with the IUI "Timing" and control when you ovulate to coincide with your IUI procedure. Once you inject HCG into your body, you'll get a "Positive" pregnancy test. Home pregnancy tests read HCG levels. Since I had my Trigger Shot on 4/12 and had 10,000 IU -- if I tested last week, I would have had a positive test since the HCG was still in my system. The HCG can stay in your system for up to 14 days, it really varies per woman and there are a lot of factors that go into it (your fluid intake, etc). 

Therefore, I decided I will "test out my trigger". What does that mean? It means testing early to see if I get a positive or negative pregnancy test to see if the Trigger Shot is out of my system. If I get a positive - then that means the trigger shot is still in my system (it's too early to have a positive right now). I would need to test every day until I get a negative. If I get a negative, then the HCG is out of my system (this is what I'm hoping for). 

Originally I was going to avoid this "overly testing" thing. But, I want to test early this weekend...! I just want to know! For some reason these 14 days seem to be lasting an eternity. So, testing out the trigger is unavoidable at this point to make sure I don't get a false positive. Let's see if I can keep my emotions in check on this testing thing. 

CD24 - 9dpIUI (4/22/15):  

On the SMC board that I'm following for ladies having IUI/IVF for the month of April, we just had two ladies that had positive home pregnancy tests!!! So happy for them! Hopefully the Baby Dust is being generous and I will get a BFP in a few days! 


I have to admit, buying pregnancy tests at the store was weird! I was trying to act all nonchalant about it, but it felt awkward. I was analyzing each brand/box. I decided to go with a generic (cheaper) Target brand and the First Response (which I've heard great things about). Of course the cashier was pregnant... been running into a lot of pregnant people lately! 

This morning I POAS (Peed on a stick) and here are the results: Negative. This is good, this is what I wanted. Now I know that the HCG is out of my system. 


Since implantation happens between 7-10 days, it takes about 2 days for the HCG to build in your system. However, the reason that everyone says "DON'T TEST EARLY!" is because you may get a false negative by testing early since home pregnancy tests can normally only detect an HCG level of >50. This website explains it really well. 

I thought it would be weird to get a "negative" even though I *know* even if I am pregnant right now -- that it wouldn't come back positive. But it actually wasn't bad at all. It was just weird, like I POAS every day - no big deal. LOL. I am worried that now that I've done ONE test that I'll be a test-a-holic!! I won't lie, I probably will test on 11dpIUI and 12dpIUI and 13dpIUI and even 14pIUI... Ugh. I'm officially addicted. 

At a Toastmasters meeting last night, there was a good quote that just reminded me that my baby will come in God's timing. When it happens, it will be PERFECT and as it should be. 

"Everything that happens happens as it should, and if you observe carefully, you will find this to be so." 

- Marcus Aurelius

CD25 - 10dpIUI (4/23/15):  

During this TWW, I've had moments where I was thinking "I'm pregnant!!!" Then others where I was thinking "It didn't work..." Soon I will know which feeling was correct... just 4 more days until my Beta. So, I should be able to hold off POAS, right? I thought my new mantra would be: I will not test. Alas, I woke up this morning for my daily "3am middle of the night pee" and thought -- why not?! Well, secretly I had already laid out the test in the bathroom before I went to sleep just in case I had the inkling to test...! I know, so bad! 

I had no expectations. So I POAS, this time I use the First Response with the thought that it is more accurate than the generic brands. After I POAS, I didn't really see anything and thought "Oh, it's early to test anyways. A negative result is expected. I might not be pregnant this cycle or I might get a positive later on." Then my 3am eyes adjusted a little bit and I started to SQUINT and turn the pregnancy test this way and that. I now know what they mean when they say "Eye Lines"! I was thinking, it's not all white (which is a negative test). Squinted some more and saw an extremely faint line. Thoughts: 

• it can be my imagination
• it can be an evaporation line (but it was within a few minutes when it appeared)
• maybe it's still my trigger shot?
• or possibly - maybe - it can be a very faint BFP?

 It's hard to see in the picture, but here it is: 

In real life, it looks like a very faint pink line. I'm not going to jump to conclusions that I have my BFP. I am HOPING it is my BFP... but I know I'm testing too early. Most people don't get their BFP until >12dpIUI. Will I test tomorrow? ABSOLUTELY. I am now a bonafied POAS-a-holic. 

For obsessive TWW-ers, like myself, this website shows the odds of getting a positive test result. There are stats and samples of home pregnancy tests at various stages of the TWW. For 10 days post IUI (or ovulation) "Faint Positives" about 25% of women reported they got the faint line. While 31% get negative tests. I've read that even a really light line can mean a positive because it detects HCG in your system and straight negatives are "plain white with no indication of a line."  

Bottom Line: I am "hopeful," but I'm trying to keep my expectations in check - which I'm not being successful at so far! I want to be cautiously optimistic at the moment. 

CD26 - 11dpIUI (4/24/15): 


I tested again today, the line was lighter than it was yesterday. So I'm thinking maybe I'm not pregnant this cycle... Will have to see how the blood work comes back. It's still really early to be testing, but the line should be getting darker - not lighter.

How do I feel? Not totally disappointed yet. I really do trust that my baby will come when he/she is supposed to. I'm holding onto that thought!

Symptom wise: still having progesterone side-effects. Still very tired. I also started cramping yesterday. Could AF be coming? But it's really early for AF cramps.  I'm not due for AF for another week. Hmmm. It's a bit weird having your body act differently than normal. Not sure if it's fertility drugs, AF, or signs of pregnancy. 

CD27 - 12dpIUI (4/25/15): 

I'm convinced that I'm not pregnant at this point. I'm getting AF cramps (still early for me). No AF yet because I'm still taking the progesterone (which can delay AF). But I'm pretty positive that I'm not pregnant.

CD28 - 13dpIUI (4/26/15):  

The TWW is finally headed to an "end". It felt like the longest two weeks I've ever lived through!! I had so much going on, but this waiting thing is no joke. I constantly thought about this, googled more than I ever googled. I'm pretty sure that I'm not pregnant. I think the false positive I got was probably remnants of my HCG Trigger Shot. When I tested out my trigger shot, it was on a cheap test. The one I got the faint positive on was a better early pregnancy indicator. 

Do I regret testing early? Not at all. It can feel like things are out of your control just "waiting" and not knowing. Not even knowing if the sperm met the egg! Yet, you have to wait and wait and wait. With testing, I felt like "At least I'm doing something actionable!" Illogical as that sounds, it made me feel better. Tomorrow is the blood work and the official Beta test that will confirm it. 

I'm going to stop the progesterone today in hopes that my period will come in a few days. Since I'm getting all these cramps, I figure my period will come in 2-3 days from stopping the progesterone. 

In my mind, I'm onto cycle #2 already - checking my calendar. I have some travel coming up, so it'll be ideal if I can start AF this week in order to get everything in before I leave town. 

How do I feel? I feel a little disappointed... I'm sure everyone that goes through IUI hopes that they'll be some of the lucky one that get a BFP on the first cycle! I know I was really hoping for that! 

I still have some slimmer of a hope that maybe - possibly - the Beta will be positive. But really, it's just grasping at straws at this point. I actually feel OK with it in a way. 

I still believe it WILL happen and will happen when it's supposed to happen! Have to stay positive at this juncture, it's a tough road to travel down at times. Still Praying for Baby C!