Back on the TTC Wagon - Trying for Baby #3 - IVF #4 Begins

A few months ago I posted that I was thinking of Baby # 3 (post link: Thinking of Baby 3). Well... Ive decided to move forward!!!!

Initial RE Consults

December 2017 - Consult with different RE
When I started thinking about trying for baby #3, I started to consider another RE. I have a few friends that used another RE and they absolutely loved him and say only great things about him. I thought, hey - let me give it a try. The RE had a LONG wait list. I got on the wait list almost right after I gave birth, just to get an appointment. I scheduled the appointment in July of 2017 to get a December 2017 consult. Things that were really cool about this RE:

• All paperwork was electronic. They gave me an iPad to fill out my new patient paperwork. 
• The office is 15 minutes from my house!!! My old RE's offices are 30-40-and 60 minutes away. 
• His prices can't be beat. He's a couple grand cheaper than my RE. 
• The RE is really engaged and nice. I really liked him, very personable. 

Seems perfect, right?

Well... a few things happened that brought me concern:

1. I had my AMH blood work drawn. They were supposed to provide the results within 1 week. It took them one MONTH to get me the results. Additionally, they used a lab that wasn't covered by my insurance. I spoke to them prior to my blood work being drawn to make sure it was covered (ran into this issue before with my old RE when I switched insurance companies one year, not realizing the laboratory wasn't covered - post here - Sticker Shock). Receiving a almost $500 bill for ONE blood test - sucked. When I called the clinic, they refused to help me and said I had to contact the blood work company. Not helpful. 
2. I asked them to provide me an estimate of my out of pocket costs. They provided me a quote that did not include my insurance benefit of infertility treatments. I called and the billing lady said that's what the insurance company told her. I had to be very clear that my insurance coverage includes a lifetime max of fertility treatments. After some fuss (and a few weeks), she finally got me the quote. However, the quote was very "unclear." There was a lot of crap on the quote. I just wanted to know what the bottom line was. 
3. They required a nonrefundable $500 deposit to secure the cycle month. They required this after I had issues #1 and #2 - so I was very hesitant to give them any sort of money that I wouldn't be able to get back. Plus, I had some variables (like weaning) I had to consider and I wasn't sure I could commit to a set month. 

After all that, I decided to schedule a consult with my old RE and see if I had a better experience. IVF is way too stressful and I think my old clinic totally spoiled me with how efficient and helpful they are! 

February 2018 - Consult with old RE 
Going to see my old RE was... refreshing. The office was organized, they were helpful, they were able to provide me quotes and a clear "this needs to happen in this order before starting" - which I felt was lacking at the other RE's office. Most importantly, my insurance/costs were quoted correctly. I decided at that point that I would do my next cycle with my old RE.

Weaning Delays = IVF Delays 
The original plan was to do an IVF cycle in June or July 2018. Obviously, that didn't happen! I was supposed to wean my baby by his first birthday, which didn't really go as planned (blog entry coming on that soon). I couldn't start fertility supplements or fertility drugs while breastfeeding, for obvious reasons! So... IVF has been delayed.

The funny thing was, I didn't mind! I started to question if I should really go for baby #3. I ran into some health issues (blog entry coming on that soon) and it made me reconsider. I decided to tackle my health issues first before jumping back into IVF. I also considered the possibility of doing IUI's again vs. doing a new IVF cycle. But I didn't really want to get pregnant "now" - I want to wait until 2019 for a bigger age gap between my baby and potential baby #3. My fertility between next year vs. this year, would seriously decline... So, IVF it would be.

August 2018 - Consult #2 with Old RE 
I had another consult with my RE just this week. I wanted to talk about 1) mini IVF and 2) timing. It's funny... In June, I wasn't sure if I wanted another baby. Then in July, I knew I for sure wanted a baby - so I really focused on weaning.

I wanted to talk to my RE about mini IVF because I think that the high dosage of meds just messes me up and maybe that's what resulted in my poor response. I don't know... but I wanted to talk it through. After we discussed it, we chose not to go that route. With my age, we want a higher number of eggs because I'm going to have a higher number of eggs that are not genetically normal.

Can I just say that meeting with my RE is like seeing an old friend! He remembers the names of my boys, he remembers personal conversations we had and specifics. I know he has a lot of patients, so it's very nice that he remembers me and my story. I showed him pictures of my boys. He's such a nice person.

Well... we aren't sure how I'm going to respond to IVF again. Considering that I did the same protocol twice. The first time led to a retrieval with 4 embryos and 1 pregnancy (my son) and one cycle was cancelled for low response. Also, my fertility is way down now vs. what it was back then.

Lab Work (so far): 
AMH: 0.75
FSH: 10

I'm not really sure how many cycles I can afford this time... So, I'm not even going to think about that! TTC has so many variables. I'm hoping to be a little more relaxed this go-around and maybe have a little more luck this time too!

Things to think about and consider: 

• What if I don't respond well, would I want to do an IUI? 
• If I get less than 2 embryos, should I test them? 
• If the embryos don't look good, would I defer to a fresh cycle? 

The reason these things are important to consider is, that changes my IVF protocol and fertility testing. Since I'm technically not planning to transfer until June/July 2019, I don't have to do some of the other testing now (i.e. saline ultrasound, uterine lining biopsy, etc.). I haven't decided the best course of action... as doing a IUI or a fresh transfer would mean my youngest kids would be closer in age than what I want (if it's successful). However, would I totally waste the cycle and not do anything? 

Lots to consider and decide! 

The Plan

• Start CoQ10 and DHEA 
• Continue taking prenatal vitamins 
• Started on Provera to get AF coming (AF needs to start by 8/26 for a September retrieval) 
• Call on Day #1 of my period to schedule Day 3 tests and baseline ultrasound 
• Egg Retrieval would be the week of September 24 
• Protocol: Microdose Flare - same as IVF #2 and IVF #3 
• Freeze all and planning to do PGS testing 

Yup - SEPTEMBER... like in a few weeks September! Eeek. It's what I wanted... as the other options were: October during Halloween week or December during my Little Guy's birthday week. But geez, talk about jumping right into a cycle! And to think - it'll be almost exactly 2 years from the FET that brought me my son. 

My Thoughts
It's funny... even though I had to go through 11 cycles to get my son... I feel so optimistic and excited to move forward with adding to my family. I'm really hoping for a great response to this IVF cycle and that I'll have PGS normal embryos to work with... I'll write more on my feelings in a separate blog post.

But man... trying for baby #3 feels so "right" to me. It feels good. I have absolutely no doubts that this is the right decision.

Next Steps: Waiting for AF to arrive to scheduled day 3 blood tests and initial ultrasound.

One Year Later: Trying to Conceive as a Single Mother by Choice

I can't believe it's been one year since I had my first meeting with my RE. When I started this journey in November 2014, I was optimistic - I was excited. I thought, "Wow, I could have a baby in 2015!"

That quickly changed to: "Will I get pregnant in 2015?"

Then: "Can I ever get pregnant?" 

Trying to have a baby in a non-traditional way has been an interesting path to go down. Going down the Single Mother by Choice (SMC) road has been different than I expected it to be.

At first, I was so excited about Trying to Conceive (TTC). I've been thinking about going down this path for years and now I was finally taking steps to fulfill this life-long dream of having a birth child. I opened up to a few select friends about my journey. Some things I didn't expect:

• That my insurance wouldn't cover any of the procedures until 6 failed monitored and medicated rounds. 
• Friends telling their other friends/family about what I was going through because it was different and interesting. 
• Friends telling me I'm crazy and should just go to a bar and have sex with a stranger instead of buying donor sperm. Because buying sperm is just weird. 
• Getting excited, "Are you pregnant yet?" inquiries from my friends. 
• When I had an unsuccessful cycle, having people tell me: "It just wasn't meant to be. It'll happen if it's supposed to happen." 

At the beginning I was really open about the experience. I think partly because I just *knew* I was going to get pregnant and I was just waiting for this wonderful thing to happen. Then, try after try, IUI after IUI -- I wasn't pregnant. 

• Insurance not covering any expenses became burdensome. 
• Friends sharing my TTC journey with others, without my permission, was offensive and hurtful. 
• Friends telling me that I should just have sex with a stranger, made me feel defensive and offended.
• Having people inquire cycle after cycle and sharing negative after negative -- became depressing. 
• Hearing words like, "It just wasn't meant to be" HURT. It hurts REALLY bad. I know no one is intentionally trying to be hurtful, but that doesn't change how badly it made me feel. 

As a SMC, the experience trying to have a baby on my own has been a struggle. Especially now that I am moving forward with IVF treatments and being diagnosed with "unexplained infertility." 

Infertility. That's a powerful word. It's a scary word. It's a word I was hoping I would never use to describe my TTC process. Especially when I have so many friends that have had absolutely NO issues getting pregnant and even some that have had unexpected pregnancies. It hurts. It's devastating. 

I've had to go through all of this alone. This entire year, I have had no one that was 100% invested in this process as I am. I'm completely fine with being a SMC. But there are times I imagine it would be really nice to share all the down times with. 

Purchasing donor sperm is kind of weird! But at the same time, it was kind of fun thinking about the possibilities and being able to vet medical issues ahead of time. Each IUI, I would think: "A stranger's sperm is swimming inside of me." Odd thoughts and mixed feelings about the entire sperm donor thing. But the reality is, using donor sperm through a sperm bank is the safest way for me to have a baby. Plus, I kind of like the idea of parenting on my own. There are burdens with being 100% responsible and making 100% of the decisions. But I'm fine with that. Now that I've been going through this process for so long, I'm now OK with the thought of donor sperm. 

As time has gone on and I haven't gotten pregnant, I've become less vocal about the process, sharing less and less. Mostly because it was becoming harder emotionally for me. I've continued to blog, of course. But only a few select people that know me in real life have my blog URL. Why blog? I don't know if anyone is really reading this blog. But it's been self-therapy for me. A way to talk about all I've been going through, to process it in a systematic way, to clear my head. I've also found some great information in other people's blogs. I hope that if someone comes across my blog, they'll get some information out of it that can help them in their TTC journey. 

I still can't believe it's been a year since I actively started this process. I still can't believe that I'm moving towards IVF. At the beginning of all this, I told myself that I would not do IVF. It was my hard line in the sand that I would not pass. I really did think that if the IUI's didn't work, that I would be OK with stopping there and believing that it just wasn't my path to take. 

There's this weird thing that happens when you're TTC. It's hard to explain to those that haven't been on this journey of trying to have a baby. It's hard to explain to those that can't imagine how much I've spend on this process. It's just hard for people to understand in general. It's even hard for ME to understand at times... 

But, once you start this journey to have this wonderful hoped for baby - it's hard to give up on that dream. The dream of having this baby is so tangible, I just can't imagine my life without him/her. There have been times where I felt like this was just too much, that I wanted to stop, that I couldn't continue on with this process, that I couldn't afford it, that I hated the medication, that I hated giving myself injections, that I hated the time it took to make monitored appointments.

It would have been so-so-so easy to just STOP. Just not move forward. 

But I couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking about this wonderful dream of becoming a birth mother. Of being pregnant with this baby that I've hoped and dreamed about since I was a little girl. I just couldn't give up because the dream is still possible. Even with the unexplained infertility diagnosis, even through the costs, even through the time, even with all the injections, even with the medication-craziness that happens, even through the surgeries, even through all the uncertainty of this process. I just can't give up yet. Not until I've tried everything imaginable I could do to try and have Baby C. 

What's scary about this process is that I have no clue how it's going to end... Will Baby C be at the end of this road? Will there be another obstacle to having a baby? I just don't know. 

For now, I'm continuing on. I'm not giving up. One year later, I think I'm more determined to have this baby. The difference is, the rose-colored glasses are off. I know it's not going to be easy to conceive and I might have more mileage to trudge down this road until I get to the end. 

What still hasn't changed, I'm still  hoping and praying for my Baby C. Hoping IVF is the magic process to make Baby C a reality.