Our 2nd “Family Day”

My son’s 2nd adoption anniversary is this month. It’s so weird that he has only been my “legal” son for 2 years. It’s almost easy to forget how uncertain things were while I was fostering him and how I lived in fear that something would happen and CPS would take him from me. Now, he’s almost 4 and he has such a personality. He’s also starting to understand “adoption” a little more. 

I know there’s so much controversy on celebrating Adoption Days. I don’t really look at is as “celebrating,” I look at it more like “remembering”... talking about how we became a family & reflecting on it. I think as my son gets older that he will have more say in how and what we do to “commemorate” our adoption. 

I actually don’t call it “adoption day” or “gotcha day.” I don’t really like those phrases. I refer to it as our “Family Day.” Now that baby boy has arrived, I’m planning to integrate both of their stories in our “family day” tradition. We have a unique situation where one Child is adopted and one Child is donor conceived through IVF. I think I only know (virtually) one other person that has a similar situation as me. 

Technically, I can let Family Day slide and not do anything... but for me, it took a lot to build my family - it’s been a long journey for me. My boys don’t know anything more than just being in our family. But it’s important for me that they both grow up knowing their stories & how they came to be here, in our family. For my older son, that he knows his birth story and how he came into foster care. For my baby boy, for him to know he was donor conceived. Both of their stories have love and loss, but it’s their stories, their beginnings. It doesn’t define them, but it’s a part of them. As their mother, I feel it’s my responsibility to provide them with their stories. What they do with it as they get older and how they feel about it, will ultimately be up to them. Whether my son decides to get in contact with his birth family will be up to him. Whether my son decides to contact his donor will be up to him. 

Now, I’m not shoving it down their throats!! But I do want my boys to become comfortable with the terms and verbiage of their births. Adoption is not a bad thing. Donor conceived is not a bad thing. It’s our family’s story. But most importantly, our family story is rooted in love. 

I watched the 6 minute adoption video from my son’s adoption hearing. I can’t watch that video without crying...!!! It’s kind of a funny video because the hearing was during nap time and my son was throwing his toys, laughing, trying to run everywhere, and being all 2 year old “him.” I was trying to contain him, keep him entertained, and answer the questions from the lawyers — at the same time. It’s really fun to watch. Even today, almost 2 years later - I can’t believe how lucky I am to have been chosen to be his Mama. 

When I talk to my son, I tell him that God brought us together to make us a family. Now, my son repeats that phrase to me and he’s started including baby brother, “and God brought baby brother too.” :) I find it funny because when I ask him who’s apart of our family, he says “Mama, baby brother, me, Suki (our dog), our house, our car.” 

I’m sure this new tradition of celebrating our Family Day will change and merge and evolve. This year, this is what we are doing: 

1. I FINALLY finished my son’s adoption book!!!! I’m going to give it to him and read it to him. I made a photo book that has pictures of his birth parents and his time in foster care all the way through our adoption day. As the years go on, I’m planning to add to it. Add more age appropriate verbiage. Add more pictures. Add a family tree, as he has two! 
2. Bake a cake or brownies together. Light candles, kinda like a “prayer” for: his birth family, our forever family, all those that help foster children (judges, social workers, GAL’s, foster agencies, etc.), all the foster children to find permanency, & baby brother’s donor family. 

Eventually, we will add baby brother’s story to the “reading” of how we became a family. I need to make it first!!! (I’m so behind on photo books!). Right now, I plan for each to have their “own” books. But one day, I think it might be nice to have a “combined” book that we read that includes some of my story on fostering and going through fertility treatments. 

I also would like to volunteer on National Adoption Day with the boys, when they’re older. 

One thing I will be doing this year is “adopt a child.” My company works with a local shelter to help provide a “wish list” for Christmas. It’s actually the same shelter my foster agency works with, so it’s near to my heart as one of my foster Kids came from the shelter. This year, I’m going to “adopt a child” and have my son help me pick things for him/her. I’m going to talk about foster care and giving.... try to make it an annual thing. 

As our 2 year adoption-versary is just a few days away... I feel so grateful for our little family. For my boys. I pray that I do right by them and set them up to be kind & happy men. 

... and that I don’t screw them up! Lol ;) 

My Path to Single Motherhood

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my path to single motherhood. It's so strange because it feels so natural and normal to me -- that I sometimes forget how unconventional my path has been.

Plan A

Every since I was a little girl, I had always wanted to have children. I had big dreams about having birth children and adopting. My "Plan A" approach was always in this order: fall in love, get married, have birth children, provide foster care, and adopt.

When I turned 28, I started seriously considering the "what if's" about Plan A not working out. I had just moved to a new state, was away from all my friends/family, and I was finding it difficult to meet any new quality men. I tried a bunch of stuff: online dating, volunteering, getting involved in the community, speed dating, singles events, etc. But it just wasn't happening for me.

Starting to think about Plan B

When I was 28, I wasn't ready to give up on Plan A. But I also didn't want to give up on living the life I wanted because of the lack of finding a partner. At that time I started looking into having my own birth child using donor sperm. I had given myself a "deadline" of sorts, that if I reached 33 and I still haven't met someone, that I would pursue having a birth child. I just wasn't really ready to do it at 28. I also didn't want to be too old and from my research at the time, 35 seemed like where the big fertility decline would start happening. So, 33 seemed like a good time to start.

Things with Plan A weren't working out and I wasn't ready for Plan B (I wrote about it a little bit here). At that time in my life I felt like it would've been selfish for me to move forward with having my own child. When I read through my old diaries, I think part of it was I wasn't really ready to become a single mom yet. I was scared of all the ways my life would change and I didn't know if I was ready for that at 28, without a husband. Not to mention, I still had big hopes of meeting someone and wasn't ready to let that go yet.

That's when I started looking into foster care.

Plan C: Foster Parenting 

I always knew that I wanted to be a foster parent and that I eventually wanted to adopt. I figured, why not now? Due to some big family drama, I ended up holding off until I was 30 to move forward with becoming a foster parent.

Why fostering and not adopt? I often get asked why I went into being a foster parent and not just doing straight adoption. As I mention under my Plan B, I just don't think I was ready to be a single mom yet. But I still wanted to help children, which has always been a dream of mine. I figured that I'll become a foster parent and if/when one of my foster children became eligible for adoption, I can pass that bridge when it came. That it was all in God's hands.

I just didn't want my Plan A to stop me from living my life or put me "on hold" from pursing things.

Living Plan C: Being a Foster Parent 

I have to admit that being a foster parent is probably a lot more difficult than just having your own kids! I didn't know that at the time. I had big ideals of helping children, helping reunify them with their parents, and that life would go on as it should. That's not really how it happened.

As a foster parent, you are under such scrutiny (which I understand -- but doesn't make it easier to live through it). You are limited on your parenting techniques, there's a huge time commitment - more so than having your own birth child (monthly visits, required appointments, transporting the child to meetings, court hearings, etc), and not to mention the incredible emotional attachment you have to your foster kids. Loving a child goes beyond sharing genetics. Not only that, you become an advocate, you become their voice, you fight for their best interests.

Plan A? Yeah --> Not happening at this point. There was no way I could meet someone when I had rotating foster children. Saying goodbye to my foster kids was not only hard for me, but was hard for all the other people that knew my kids. Not only that, my "extra time" was non-existent. My life quickly started revolving around my foster children and there really wasn't room for anything else.

Plan B? Yeah --> Not happening at this point. I was so invested in my foster kids and committed to helping more kids, that 33 came and I thought, "Maybe Plan B isn't for me and I can adopt?" 

Being a foster parent and saying goodbye to all my kiddies was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to live through... At this point in my journey I knew I wanted to move forward with adoption, but I was still committed to being a foster parent. As a foster parent, I was very dedicated to helping reunify children with birth family. A bit of conflicting feelings there --> temporary care vs. permanency / adoption. The most difficult part about saying goodbye to my foster children was that once they were gone -- there was a time where I had no children in my home. It was during those times that I really missed being a mom and missed having children around. It was such an empty void in my heart and in my home. That's when I absolutely knew that I was finally ready to become a single mother. I had started contemplated domestic infant adoption or going straight adoption through the foster care system.

Plan D: Adoption 

What's interesting is that I had started looking back into Plan B in November 2013. I was 33, almost 34 at the time, and I was between foster care placements. I started to get that "feeling" back of wanting to experience pregnancy, giving birth, and having my own birth child. Not to mention that I had some serious heartbreaks from saying goodbye to some of my foster kids... I was at a point where I felt completely 100% ready to be a single mom, either through adoption or through having my own birth child. I even scheduled an appointment with an RE for a consult. What stopped me was my insurance coverage! I didn't realize the hefty $$ of TTC. At 33 and 34 years old, they had the requirement of trying for 12 months without success before infertility coverage kicked in (medicated and monitored). So, I decided to wait until 35 (when I only needed 6 cycles to get coverage), save money, and take some time to really think about pursing Plan B again.

Well, the very next month (December 2013) I received my next foster child, Lucky #7 -- my Little Guy, my forever son -- he is my first and only foster child that became eligible for adoption while he was in my care. I talk about his adoption timeline here. There were rocky times during his placement that I wasn't sure if I would be able to adopt him or not. There were times where I felt completely broken and lost at the thought of him leaving me. I remember going straight to church after a court hearing and just crying in the pews and asking for strength and acceptance. I'm grateful every single day to call him my Forever Son and be his Mama. In a lot of ways, he's changed my life for the better and I can't imagine my life without him.

Back to Plan B 

As I mentioned, things were pretty rocky with my son's foster care placement. When my son was about to turn 1 years old and I was about to turn 35, I decided I would move forward with TTC and trying to build my family. I still managed to take two more foster children while I was moving forward with adopting my son and going through fertility treatments. That's really where this blog started and most of it's documented here so I won't totally recap it... the struggles of TTC, infertility, and almost 2 years of fertility treatments. Now, I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant and expecting my baby boy to arrive in a few more weeks.

Sometimes I look back and wonder how the heck I was able to go through fertility treatments, take in two of my hardest foster children, and go through my son's adoption -- all at the same time. What was I thinking? I'm just tired thinking about it now... LOL. Somehow though, I managed!

Thoughts on Plan A 

I would lie if I said that I don't mourn Plan A. Every now and then I get really sad about it and wish I had someone to share my joys about my son and about my new baby boy. I also wish at times that I had someone to tag-team with! Especially being pregnant, my energy levels are so low and the fatigue is killer.

But in reality, I have no regrets about my path. My path led me to my son and it led me to make this precious baby boy. If just one thing was different, I wouldn't have my boys and they are everything to me.

I also can't really imagine co-parenting. I mean, it's great in "theory" thinking about sharing the joys and tag-teaming and all... The grass is always greener, right? But I like the independence I have in parenting the way I want to, in making decisions, and I like that I'll never have to worry about custody arrangements or being separated from my kids.

I also don't know if I have the energy or time to try and "build" anything if I do meet someone! My energy goes towards my kids. Right now, I'm fine with that. I have given up on Plan A happening, since I believe that my life has happened just the way it was meant to and in the right order to get me to this exact point. But I'm not closed off to a possible Plan E in the future, if that's where life takes me. There sure are some hot / available single dads or single men out there,  right?! ;) LOL. I don't admit it much, but I am a romantic at heart.

Of course there are down-sides to being a single parent. Making every decision, while nice, is sometimes hard when you have no one else to bounce the ideas off of who is 100% invested in the decision as you are. Then there's the constant worry that something will happen to me and then the crazy concern of my kid's lives being changed so drastically... However, one can worry and worry about all the "What If's" that can happen in life. There are no guarantees of course. I just have to pray that God will take care of my boys no matter what. That's one reason I'm so diligent about keeping all my Estate Planning up-to-date and current, because that's the only thing I can do to make sure they're ok if something were to happen - the rest is in God's hands.

Being a Single Mom 

As I mentioned, my "Plan A" approach was always in this order: fall in love, get married, have birth children, provide foster care, and adopt.

My actual "Life" happened in this order: provide foster care, adopt, have birth children. Maybe there's a "fall in love" and "get married" in my future -- that's still to be seen and still to be written.

All and all, I don't have any regrets. I love my son more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I feel like I was meant to be his Mama. I've written this before, but I truly believe that God brought us together. In all of life's random moments and happenings, I feel like God chose me to be his Mama. Every night when we go to sleep, I tell my son "I am so happy and lucky to be your Mama." We pray every night and the first thing we do is thank God for making us a family. I mean it every single time I say it. No matter how bad the day was or what bad thing happened, I will always be grateful for this wonderful son of mine.

For my new baby boy, my heart can just burst with anticipation to meet him for the first time and see his little face. If I had chosen any other time to move forward with TTC or if I chose not to ever pursue Plan B or if any of my other 10 cycles had worked -- I wouldn't have this perfect little person growing inside me right now. He is my little miracle. It's a little strange to think I've been working up to this moment -- the moment of my baby boy's birth. From my first "thoughts" of becoming a single mother in 2008, to my first call to a fertility clinic in November 2013, to my first RE meeting in November 2014, to my positive pregnancy test in September 2016, to his soon-to-be birth in May or June of 2017. I can't wait to meet him and for him to meet his big brother and for my son to have a baby brother. For my little family of three to forge down this path of life together. It truly feels like a dream come true at times.

Life works in mysterious ways. It's always funny to step back and just look at your life's path and think that you are exactly where you need to be and all is how it should be.

PhotoBooking: Family Year Book + Adoption Book

As part of my August 2016 Goals, I wanted to start working on my 2016 Family Year Book and work on completing my son's adoption book. I'm happy to say that I've actually made progress on this! 

Using My Mac Photos

I haven't really been organizing my photos on my Mac. I started working on this a little bit and getting Photos in a good order.

2016 Family Year Book 

I'm tasked with actual completing a Family Year Book! I've always wanted to make one and am so very excited that I have the opportunity to make one this year... a year where we have been a Forever Family :) Creating a photo book, yet alone a whole years worth of memories, is no easy task. I'm already years and years behind on moving these digital memories into a cohesive photo book. Small steps... and small tasks... will get me there (hopefully). For August, my task was to pick 10 photos ONLY for two months: July and August 2016. Luckily July and August weren't difficult to pick pictures from! So far, so good!

I'm back and forth on whether I should actually drop the photos in a photo book NOW... and keep adding as I go. Or do it all in one sitting (which might take a very long time!). But I guess I'm still contemplating what a full 2016 formatted Family Year Book should look like. It's all in the details, right? :) That'll have to be pushed to a different month as a goal, as it's a lot to try to accomplish this month.

Adoption Book - Story Boarding

It's taking me so long to finish my son's adoption book. There are so many ways to organize it and I couldn't really make a firm decision on it. Once I decided one way, I leaned a different way. Part of the reason I'm so indecisive is that I want to make an Adoption Book about our family and how we became a family vs. a lifebook. A lifebook is a book that goes into more things than just the adoption. I love making lifebooks for my foster kids and my son has 2 completed books. But I've been conflicted on how to approach our adoption book.

Plus, I want it to be just the most perfectest adoption book ever! I just had to really let go of all that and think about how I want to tell my son his story. I finally sat down with myself to really think about OUR family and OUR story. What I really want to accomplish by making an Adoption Book:

• I want it to be the story I tell my son. 
• I want my son to feel special about his adoption book. 
• Hopefully it'll be a story he wants to read over and over again because he loves the way it makes him feel. 
• Each adoption day (and hopefully days in-between) I want to be able to sit and read this book with my son. 
• I want him to feel loved from the book. 
• I want him to feel good about adoption from the book. 
• I want him to get a little about his "story" from the book - in an age-appropriate way. 
• I want him to know that I love him. 
• I want him to know he's loved by his birth parents. 

Lots of HIGH expectations from a little bitty book! No pressure or anything! :) 

When I think of our adoption story... I think about how our lives intersected in the most unexpected and random way. Like it was meant to be! I also think of my son's story as beginning in his birth mother's tummy. This is VERY important... because I think that's where part of the story really "begins," right? 

So, we have ME (aka Mama) who became a foster parent. 

Then we have Little Guy growing in his birth mother's tummy. 

With that said, that's where OUR story will begin!

I'm so excited about completing the adoption book, that I had to slow myself down. I made an outline and I've dropped it into a photo book on Shutterfly. I'm still playing with parts of the story, so I'll post the "completed" storyline once I go to print in Oct/Nov.

I have to say... I can't wait until it's done and I get to sit down with my son and share it with him. I think it's going to turn out really well. 

Post-Adoption: Communication with Birth Parents

I've been thinking a lot about Little Guy's adoption and communicating with his birth family. I haven't written much about it on my blog, although it's been on my mind a lot.

Since my son was adopted from fostercare, his birth parents didn't voluntarily put him up for adoption. We went from court hearing to court hearing for 18 months until the very last one to terminate parental rights (TPR). It was at this hearing where his birth parents stopped fighting and expressed interest in me adopting him. For more on the specifics of our adoption, see my Adoption Timeline.

At the time of the TPR trial, there was also discussion about communication post-adoption. We do not have an official post adoption agreement. But verbally, I agreed to some sort of communication, but was not specific. I set up an email address and a PO Box for them to communicate with me. 

My son's birth mother has consistently written... Almost at an obsessive level. We receive multiple letters a month from her. Sometimes what she says in the letters makes me question if she really "gets things." She would panick if I didn't write her back right away and think I was "mad" at her. 

I quickly set up some limits with her. I agreed to write 2x's a year and send pictures. She can write as much as she wants (and she does). She expressed some dismay at "two times a year" isn't enough and some side comments about it in her letters to my son. Almost trying to guilt trip me (it hasn't worked and I don't respond to her on those comments). I keep my letters 100% about my son and what he's up to. 

She has tried to get me to meet up with her sister and her kids (my son's birth aunt and cousins). She's also tried to have me agree to phone calls. I've said no to both... Which surprised me. I thought I would be more open to building relationships with my son's birth extended family. But I guess I'm leary of their sincerity. This is the aunt that tried to get custody of my son and who only visited him 2x's the entire time they had fostercare visitations (where they could've visited 2x's a week). Plus, his cousins are way older than him - no real relationship building there. I had to think, "would the contact benefit my son?" My answer was no at the time. I think it would've only benefited them and I had a gut feeling that the request wasn't really to see my son, but to keep an eye out on me. 

As for phone calls, my son doesn't even know how to talk on the phone yet! 

Eventually I know she's going to ask for in-person visits. Right now, I'm leaning towards no. There are some safety concerns that I don't want to post here... Which is another reason why I'm against contact with the aunt. I don't want to get into specifics on all of that and may be a little vague. I know it's my son's birth mother... but my son was in foster care for a reason and the State terminated rights on his birth parents for a reason. There are a lot of aspects to consider in this and it's not black/white. My son's safety is my #1 priority and that trumps anything and everything. 

My son doesn't know his birth mother, hasn't seen her since he was 5 months old. I don't feel like I should make that choice for me son at this juncture. When he's old enough, I'll let him make a decision on whether or not he wants to meet his birth family. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. I'll support him either way. 

Now, there's his birth father. He made visitations pretty consistently right up till the TPR trial. Then he missed he goodbye visit and I haven't heard from him since. Which is so odd! He was very adamant about having a communication plan. Since my son knew him, I probably would've even allowed in-person visits with him. But not one email and not one letter. 

It didn't bother me at first. But recently I started to question if I should initiate contact. I want to have contact with his birth parents so that when my son is ready (and he chooses), it'll be a smooth process on getting him in-touch with them. Not only that, I want to have contact if any medical issues come up. I also want to do all I can do to keep my son's birth parents informed of his life and development. Partly because I would want to know if my child was adopted. 

I've been playing with the idea of emailing the birth father... I didn't want to initiate contact because I had to think there was a reason he wasn't communicating? Plus, maybe he's involved in unsafe behaviors again? 

Well, I bit the bullet! I emailed him today. I asked if he wanted to set up a communication plan and receive pictures. I also asked him if he had any pictures of my son and him together. I know he does (he showed me on his phone), but he never gave me a copy. I would love for my son to have pictures of him with his birth father. He might also have pictures with my son and relatives that attended visitations. Right now I only have 1 photo of my son with his birth parents. I would love for him to have more... 

Anyways, now I wait to see if I'll hear back from his birth father! 

Adoption can be tricky and there are so many things that I have yet to be faced with. I'm not sure how my son is going to react to all this as he gets older or how sensitive he'll be to his foster care/adoption story. Only time will tell.

Right now, I'm working on his Adoption book... which I've been working on FOREVER. With our one-year anniversary of our adoption coming up (our "Family Day"), I'm forcing myself to really make the effort in finishing it. Which it's why it's part of my August goals this month and one reason I'm thinking so much about post-adoption communication with his birth parents.

I am making a point to talk to my son about being adopted. I show him pictures of his birth parents and tell him "his story" in age appropriate terms (which will be easier once I can get a few of his adoption books done). They are part of him. I'm also looking at other ways to "honor" his birth parents on an on-going basis. As he gets older, I am hoping that our discussions and stories will help him through understanding his past. I'll write more on that later. 

New Birth Certificate and SSN

I recently picked up my son's new birth certificate! It was a surreal experience seeing my name listed under "mother" and seeing my son's new name. 

When picking it up, I asked if they needed to see the adoption order. She said, "No, you're the mother. Just need to see your ID." 

Going to the Social Security Office was an adventure... Took 2 hours! I've never been to the SS office before so had no reference on how it all worked. Worse than the DMV! Seriously. But... At the end of the day, we were able to get a new SSN for my son, just waiting for the card to arrive in the mail. 

It still feels so surreal to me. He's MY son! I'm still trying to wrap my head around the "future" - that there is a future with him. 

One day it'll just feel "real" and "normal" to me, I'm sure. It's hard going from worrying every single day that he'll be taken from me, to thinking he's here "forever".  Now, the fears of raising him right are kicking in! Because however he turns out will be on ME! And only me. Oh my... Such a shift in thinking and such a huge responsibility. 

Thinking about my parenting style, what kind of mom I want to be. Am I doing it right? Am I messing him up? Am I spending enough time with him? Am I helicopter parenting? Am I disciplining right? 

All "Normal" parenting worries I'm sure... And I'm so grateful that I have normal parenting things to worry about with him instead of foster parent worries! 

I am so lucky to be his mama :) 

Our Adoption!

My Little Guy is now officially my Forever Son! Our adoption was last Saturday and took place on National Adoption Day.

The Courthouse 

We arrived at the court house early and there was a lot going on: bounce houses, face painting, storm troopers, characters walking around, Santa and Mrs. Clause. As we waited, our friends started to arrive. I had a few friends fly/drive from California to attend, which was just amazing and nice of them!

Admittedly, I was in a sort of "daze" most of the day. Just couldn't believe after all the waiting, we were finally here - that it was actually happening. 

Most of the friends that said they were going to attend, made it. We had a good group of people there to support us. A few friends watched Munchkin for me, while a few of my friend's kids chased Little Guy around. He was so hyperactive, mostly running on fumes, as the adoption was right in the middle of his normal nap time! 

He was funny running down the hall, screaming, rolling around on the floor, climbing all over the place. 

When we arrived at the courtroom, I had to check in with my lawyer and sign a few more papers. Our courtroom was running behind, so they told me we would most likely go in later. So, we waited! 

The Finalization Hearing

When we were called into the courtroom, Little Guy was pretty much "done" and did not want to sit down. He tried to run around the courtroom! I put him on my lap and gave him some of his toy cars to play with. Instead of playing with them, he started to throw them! Oh my. LOL. The good thing is, I was so distracted with keeping him seated and happy -- that I didn't have time to be emotional. I was sworn in and then I had to answer questions posed by my lawyer. All the answers were "yes" - which made it easy for me. LOL. 

Little Guy was hilarious during the hearing. He was laughing, giggling, playing. He tried escaping me, but I managed to keep hold of him. I thought he would throw a tantrum, but he didn't. Thank goodness. 

Then, the judge said stuff and made things official! That's when I let a few tears fall. It was official. The foster care part with Little Guy was over. We were a Forever Family now. 

I still can't believe it. 

After the ceremony, I had a special person that made sure I received the Order of Adoption paperwork. We took family photos and took a few pictures around the courthouse. Then, we headed to a pizza place to celebrate with our friends. 

Celebrating

The pizza place was packed! I didn't expect that and I didn't reserve any seats. Fortunately, one of the reserved tables wasn't needed until later and we were able to use it. By this time, I am mentally exhausted. I hadn't eaten all day and I was just tired. We ordered food, ate, and chatted. Luckily, my friends continued watching Munchkin and the kids chased Little Guy around. I felt so grateful to have all these people to spend time with and share the joy of our adoption.

Arriving Home 

By the time we left, I felt like I could sleep for an entire day! We got home and the boys were also exhausted, went to sleep almost right away. No nap days will do that to you! That's when I let myself cry. It all hit me and I cried like a baby. My son is now mine, legally. It's all official. 

We received some amazing gifts and great advice on the "wishes" cards we sent out with the invitations. We are so blessed to have wonderful people in our lives.

Not As "Planned"

Things don't always go as 'planned' and people let you down sometimes. Despite that, I wanted to focus on the POSITIVE thing for the day -- the ADOPTION! But there were a few things that really impacted the start of the day for me.

The day didn't start off the 'best', as my brother was supposed to come into town for the adoption. At the last minute, he wasn't able to make it. I was very upset and disappointed. He is the only blood relative I really have contact with. I do have to admit, it wasn't surprising he didn't make it... But it didn't make it any easier dealing with him not coming. 

I also was supposed to have a friend help me with the boys the morning of the adoption, so I could get ready. She flaked on me, which made the morning a little more hectic than I expected or planned for. Left me scrambling to get myself and the boys ready to go. Not a great way to start off the day for sure!

At the End of the Day 

All in all. I still can't believe it. Maybe it'll sink in eventually. But I'm still in awe and get teary eyed thinking, "he's my son!" and "I get to watch him grow up!" and "We can make plans for the future" and "No more fears about him being taken away from me." 

I'm so amazed at my son and the happy little person he is. The randomness of the foster care system placement procedures brought me my forever son. How did I get so lucky? 

One More Week until our Adoption!!!

I can't explain the joy that I feel finally being able to PLAN our adoption finalization celebration! I've gone back and forth on what the day would look like and how we would celebrate. Now, it's only ONE week away!!

Deciding on National Adoption Day (NAD) was a great choice for a lot of reasons, but mostly because 1) we get to video record it and 2) more friends can attend :) It does however put a kink into having a finalization party. Originally, if I adopted during the week - I would have had the finalization party on a Saturday. Now, the adoption is on a Saturday and the court house is almost an hour away from my house. So, I had to play with a few different ideas.

I decided to invite everyone to the court hearing. I want to share the special day with everyone. Plus, NAD has a lot of activities for kids - so it'll be fun for little ones. Then after the court hearing, we'll head over to a pizza place that's nearby (about 12 minutes from the court house). We'll eat and chat there, plus the kids can play. Hopefully it all works out.

Etsy Shopping:  

I've never shopped on Etsy before, believe it or not! But I found some great things on there and shopped almost exclusively on Etsy for this event: 

• Found these awesome Invitations. They were mailed at the beginning of the month.  
• Wishes for Baby and Advice for Mom. Included in Invitation mailing and already started receiving some back! Yay :) 
• Thank You Cards 
• Amazing Guest Book on Etsy. 
• Special Gift for Little Guy 

Here's all of the invites that I sent out: 

Here are some other things:

• Hershey Adoption Announcement - these turned out really cute! 
• Letter from President, did you know they do adoption announcements and a lot of other greetings as well: White House Greetings. This will be completed after the adoption is finalized. 
• Family Photos - will include in Christmas Card. My friend was nice enough to do photos for us, to save us a little money. We are taking them tomorrow. Hoping they turn out nice! 
• Since the adoption is so close to sending out Christmas cards, I decided to combine the Adoption announcement with the Christmas card. Found this awesome adoption timeline announcement on Etsy. One side will be this adoption timeline and the other will be our Christmas greeting. Can't wait to see how these turn out. I customized the timeline to fit our adoption scenario. 
• My friend made this amazing sign for us: 

I'm so excited and can't believe in only 7 days, my Little Guy will officially be my forever son. I've been dreaming about this day and I can't wait! Counting down the days :)

Foster Care Review Board #4 for Little Guy

Just received notice in the mail for Little Guy's LAST Foster Care Review Board (FCRB). Interestingly enough, they are not requesting me to attend in person, just mail in a report. Probably because he's being adopted this month. 

I still can't believe that we are on the 4th FCRB hearing. He's been in foster care for that long.

Can you believe it -- I'M ADOPTING THIS MONTH!!!! I am so excited and can't believe it! It's finally almost here. 

By the time he's adopted, he would have been in foster care for 712 days. 712 days! Of course he has no clue he's in foster care and nothing is going to change for him. 

After 712 Days in foster care, Little Guy will finally be adopted. Marking the day we can start our Forever Family :) I can't wait! 

Adoption Update: Adoption Time Scheduled

Finally received my adoption time! It's all official, now I can order the invitations! 

I'm so excited and still burst into tears picturing adoption day & that moment that everything becomes "official". 

So hard to believe after this long wait that we are only a few weeks away from our big "Family Day"!!! 

I'm planning our finalization "party". Which is changing from what I originally planned, but that's ok :) I have some "gifts" I want to get for Little Guy, need to plan outfits for all of us, figure out logistics. So much to do, but all good stuff.

I'm done with all paperwork, just need to show up to court. I'm also really glad I decided on NAD, so that more people are able to attend the court hearing. It'll be nice to have friends there, even if it's only for a 10 minute court hearing. Lol. The 10 minutes that mean everything! So exciting! 

Talking about Adoption with my Toddler

It may sound weird, but I had a little panic attack when I realized that I have NOT spoken to Little Guy about adoption!

I always said that he would always know his story and would know he's adopted from the beginning. I guess with all the uncertainty for so long, with not knowing if I'm going to adopt him, that I just didn't talk to him about adoption (in case it didn't happen that way). He's been with me since he's been born, so it's hard to even think that he's not my birth child. I'm the only mom he's known. So sometimes I just forget that I have to be the one that explains things to him (in age-appropriate ways).

My hopes are that Little Guy embraces being adopted and looks at it like a positive thing. I know there may come a time when he becomes resentful, but I want to try to instill the value of adoption and what it means. I want him to be proud of his story and own it. Which means I have to start talking about it with him.

I was just thinking the other day that he has no clue that this huge, big day, is coming up -- our adoption day...!

I know he's young, not even 2 yet, but he understands things very well. I really want adoption to be part of his story and for him to be comfortable growing up knowing that he's adopted. So, I went on a search for "Toddler-Friendly Adoption Books". I have a bunch that I've requested at the library and will see if any of them are any good, maybe I'll even do a review of them (if it's worthwhile). There are mixed reviews on Goodreads for some of them and some really low review scores. I have a few ready for pickup at the library today, so we'll start "reading" about adoption tonight :)

I've also been thinking about making him his own "Adoption Book". I've always wanted to do this. I can't really finalize it until we have our adoption (so I can include a picture of us at court in the book). So, I've been thinking about that and what it's going to look like. I'm going to include pictures of his birth parents and of our family. Maybe a family tree? Still thinking about it. I want it to be age-appropriate and make it into a board book of sorts. Or perhaps just do pages in Word and print them -- putting them in a binder. That way I can add to it. Having Munchkin come live with us is a good thing, I think it'll be great to try to explain foster care and how some kids may only stay with us for a little bit. Maybe I will include a page with all of his foster "brothers and sisters". So many ideas. I need to start being actionable about these things.

Adoption books are great and all, but his story about being adopted from foster care is very personal. I want him to see his pictures and see how much he was loved by his birth family and by me.

I need to do more searches of blogs to see how adoption was discussed/introduced. This is all new to me too and I want to do it right. Here's to hoping and praying for a smooth start for my Little Guy in understanding adoption.

Adoption Update: Meeting with Lawyer

It felt like it took forever to get to this point in the adoption process. Although in "reality" the adoption process has gone relatively quickly since parental rights were severed in June. Normally takes about 6 months to adopt after severance has happened. I'll be adopting 5 months after severance. I suppose it's felt long because to even get to the termination of parental rights, it took 18 months due to drawn out court hearings.

But we are finally getting there! It's starting to feel *real*, that I'll get to watch Little Guy grow up. It's such an emotional experience and hard to put my feelings in writing. I will try to write an entry on my feelings around the adoption a bit later. 

I was highly emotional in the morning thinking about finally getting to meet with the adoption lawyer and request NAD for our adoption date. I can blame it on the Clomid, but I think it's really just a relief and feeling of "I can't believe I'm here". I was a blubbering mess waiting to drive to my appointment. 

The Meeting 

I had to bring a few items with me: drivers license, my fingerprint clearance, and a copy of my Adoption Certification. The rest of the documents were provided by the Adoption Case Manager. The meeting went relatively quick. We discussed subsidy in detail: monetary monthly subsidy, medical subsidy, dental subsidy, and mental health subsidy -- and how they all work as either a primary or secondary insurance. The State has a few different plans that Little Guy can be placed with, which I could change if needed. What's interesting to note is that if we relocate to another State, that there are a few states that won't provide health care coverage. Luckily, I'm not planning to move to any of those states!

Action Items: Check with current providers and determine which of the State insurances they accept. Also, need to check if they accept my health care provider as well.

Then we discussed when I would receive his new birth certificate and how to request a new Social Security Number.  There was some discussion about the Adoption Tax Credit, which I guess I'm going to have to learn about when I file taxes.

I signed some paperwork. What's great about adopting from foster care is that there are no legal costs, as the costs are all covered by the State.

Then, we discussed National Adoption Day (NAD)! I signed the paperwork requesting NAD. We walked through the entire day, how things would go down. The actual "ceremony" will only last about 10 minutes. I'll have to be sworn in. We can video record (Yay!). We can get pictures with the judge afterwards. Little Guy will get a goody bag. We'll have a professional photo done. I'll receive the Adoption Decree prior to leaving - making everything LEGAL. We even discussed ways to help distract Little Guy during the ceremony! Let's see how he'll do :)

I should have the actual TIME of the hearing by the end of the month. Which is great, so that I can actually order my adoption invitations (Yay again!).

So, I was a bit emotional during the meeting... but was doing REALLY well at not tearing up and crying like a baby. I almost cried when I got to see his birth certificate. It may sound weird, but I haven't seen it before and to actually see it was nice. I now have a copy for him to have when he's older. The real tear starter was when we were going through how the adoption ceremony was going to go - and she got to the end where the judge says something (can't remember what now) -- and the adoption is finalized. That's when I started crying like a baby! LOL. I've been picturing that moment for so long now and it's so hard to believe that in a little less than 7 weeks -- we'll be there -- in the court room -- and it'll all be OFFICIAL. It's so hard to believe.

The lawyer was talking about when Little Guy starts kindergarten... and I couldn't believe I actually get to be there for all that. Then she started talking about when Little Guy graduates High School and when he turns 18, how all the subsidies work with that. I couldn't believe it - I get to see him grow up. I will be there on his first day of school. I will be there when he graduates High School. I'll get to watch all his milestones. I'll get to watch him become a young man. It's such a surreal feeling, I don't know if it'll ever feel "normal" to not worry about someone taking him from me. I just can't believe how blessed I am to be chosen to be his mama. I love him so much, he just brightens my world.

I also received a copy of the official severance documents. What's scary is that although the findings from our May hearing were to sever rights, the actual signed "judge order" to sever rights wasn't signed until JULY! I didn't know that... I thought it was signed in June. So, technically the birth parents could have appealed the decision all the way into August. I had no idea. If they appealed, I would not have been able to adopt this year, it would have delayed it until sometime in 2016.

Well, it's neither here nor there... but how crazy is that.

Next Steps: Good news - I'm done with paperwork! Woohoo! :) 

• Wait for Adoption Subsidy to get approved
• Meet with Adoption Case Manager to go over last minute items. 
• Show up to court on National Adoption Day where my Little Guy will become my Forever Son!!!!!! 

Now, thinking about: Adoption Finalization Party Planning, What we are going to wear to the adoption, and deciding if I will take adoption leave from work. I can take up to 12 weeks... deciding how much of this time I'll take. 

Adoption Update: Officially Certified to Adopt!

I've been waiting and waiting and waiting to finally post this entry!!! I am officially CERTIFIED TO ADOPT!!!!! YAY!!! Finally moving forward for real now. Spoke to my adoption lawyer,the  appointment is scheduled & I will make the NAD deadline! Woohoo! 

Weird comment from  a friend after telling her I was going to adopt. She said, "That means Mommy for real." Hmmm. Have I been a "fake mommy" all this time? Guess that's a little pet peeve of mine. Whether you're a foster mother, adoptive mother, step mother, birth mother --- you are a MOTHER. You are caring for the kids in your home, you are loving the kids in your home, you're providing for the kids in your home. That's what "real" moms do.

Now, I know my friend didn't mean to be offensive. I know that she's happy that I'm finally adopting. It's all about word choices.

Anyways... I'm really excited and can't believe it! It's finally almost here. We have a solid date. There's an end to the scare of him leaving... and a beginning of our Forever Family. I'm going to be a crying mess at the court hearing for finalization! I'm already teary eyed just thinking about it! November will be here before we know it. 

Next Steps: 

• Meet with the Adoption Lawyer, scheduled on 10/5 @ 3:30pm
• Request NAD adoption date by 10/9 deadline 
• Complete lawyer paperwork 

Adoption Update: Home Study Finally Submitted!

After the discussion with my Licensing Worker (LW) last week, I decided to call back the adoption lawyer. I wanted to find out the timeline for me to try to make NAD - if it was still an option. They told me: 

• IF the Home Study was submitted by my licensing agency last week (week of 8/24), 
• THEN, I would get certified by the end of September. 
• THEN, they can fit me in to complete paperwork for the October 9th NAD deadline. 

It's such a tight fit!!! If I don't get in for NAD, I'll be adopting in December. 

This is ALL contingent on my agency submitting the paperwork! Ugh. 

I decided to play "nice" and email my LW. I politely told her that I would like to make NAD and asked if it would be possible to have the paperwork submitted, so that I can make the deadlines. If not, I wouldn't make NAD. 

She replied back with, "I'll make sure it gets submitted tomorrow." 

I was happy to hear that! But I wasn't convinced it would actually happen... Not with how slow they've been going throughout this process. However, I sent a very appreciative email back in hopes it would motivate her to follow through! 

"Tomorrow" came and.... no email confirmation from my LW. <sigh>

With trepidation, I finally emailed her this morning asking the status and if it was indeed submitted on 8/27. My hopes of NAD felt like they were slipping away from me.

THEN, I received the email back with: "Yes it was submitted to the court on Thursday. An adoptions worker here told me she was been getting the certification back from court in about 2 weeks!" 

Oh thank goodness!!! FINALLY, good news! It's looking good that I'll be certified in September. It's looking good that I'll be able to get an adoption date for NAD! Yay and Yay!!! 

Can't wait to receive the confirmation that I'm finally certified and have our adoption date scheduled! It feels like forever in the making, but we're getting closer. 

Next Steps: 

1. Receive confirmation that I'm certified to adopt. Expected in Mid-Late September. 
2. Schedule meeting with Adoption Lawyer. Have meeting, fill out paperwork. Expected: Late September-Beginning of October. 
3. Adoption Lawyer to request NAD adoption date! Deadline is 10/9. 

Adoption Update: No Progress :(

Ok, so I misunderstood my Licensing Worker (LW) on how things were going with getting Certified to Adopt.

The "Certification to Adopt" is the important thing that I need in order to get an adoption date. This is what I've been waiting for.

What needed to happen to get my Certification to Adopt? This process was never thoroughly explained to me and it's a little different since I'm adopting from foster care with a child that is currently in my care. Here are the steps from how I now understand it:

1. Parental Rights needed to be severed.  -Completed in June 
2. Case needs to be transitioned to the Adoptions Unit. - Completed in June 
3. Adoptions Case Manager needs to send a request to my Licensing Agency. - Completed in June 
4. My LW needed to request an "Adoption Certification Number" (AC#) from the court. This takes about 3-4 weeks. -  Completed at the end of July  
5. After the AC# is received, my LW needs to submit my adoption home study and request a "conversion" to the court. AFTER it's submitted, it takes 3-4 weeks to get the Certification to Adopt. - This is where we are held up. Supposedly, they are submitting it this week. I'll believe it when I see it. 
6. After my Certification to Adopt is approved, then I can talk to an Adoption Lawyer and request an adoption date.

So, since Step #5 hasn't been completed and I'm still waiting for them to submit it -- it's delaying the process. Technically, my LW could have completed Step#4 earlier - but didn't, so that's delayed things too. I'll be happier once I receive confirmation that they've submitted my Home Study to the court, as my agency will not really be in the picture after that. 

At this point, I am looking at an adoption date to be at the end of November or sometime in December. I don't even know if I'll qualify to participate in NAD at this point. Ugh. I'm very frustrated. I'm trying not to be annoyed or say, "Geez, just submit the Home Study already!!!" 

I'm trying not to be impatient, but patience has never been my thing. Plus, there is NO REASON for the delay. We just completed my Foster Care mid-year renewal in May. Most of the information is the same for the Adoption Home Study, they just needed to tweak it a bit. I completed the additional questionnaire documents in early June. I just feel like there is no excuse for the delay. 

It's mostly mental for me. I keep thinking, he's turning 2 in December. I want his birthday to be HIS day and not be an "adoption-related" day. I want to celebrate the Holidays with him being my legal son. I don't want him to be in foster care for any longer, adding more and more days to time in care. I've been waiting for a long time and I just want the adoption to happen, so that I don't have to fear that they'll take him from me. Yes, that fear is still there and it's still a slight possibility! I just want some peace of mind. 

In the long scheme of things, I'm sure none of this will matter... But right now, it feels so big to me. He's been in foster care since he was 4 days old - there's no reason he shouldn't have finalization and permanency by now. This is where the system fails the kids and the families wanting to adopt. It really shouldn't take this long. 

Anyways. Just complaining and worried and trying to plan -- makes it so hard! Friends/Family from out of town want to know the date so that they can plan... but I can't give them a date. Just so frustrating. :(  

Adoption: To NAD or not to NAD, that is the question.

The longer it takes me to move forward with adopting, it's pushing back my adoption date. Once everything gets green-lighted, I should be able to get an adoption date within 60 days. The reason I get to receive an adoption date within 60 days is because my son has been with me for more than a year, so they try to fast-track the adoption.

However, it's taking forever for things to get green-lighted! The longer it takes - the more things get pushed back on the timeline. At this point, I *might* be able to get a late October adoption date (if I'm lucky), but most likely it's going to be in November. In order to receive an October adoption date, I would need to get green-lighted next week... but then the adoption date would fall close to Halloween, which is not a good idea. Anytime after next week will land me a November date. November is also when they have "National Adoption Day" (NAD).

So, the question is: Should I ask for my adoption to be on NAD?

I've attended adoptions on NAD and on non-NAD days. I personally wasn't impressed with the NAD festivities... However, it was more festive and there was an air of excitement. On non-NAD days, there can be a mix of people in the court house and feels a little weird celebrating when others aren't.

The issue is, November is a crazy month! Thanksgiving is one weekend and there's a lot of other things happening every single weekend in November.

I've decided to make  PRO-CON list to try and make a decision.

Pros and Cons of Participating in NAD 

PROS:

• It's on the weekend. 
• The event is more exciting. 
• More people can potentially make it since it's on a Saturday. 
• Can do the adoption and the adoption finalization party on the same day. 
• More people are allowed in the court room. 
• Professional family picture after adoption hearing. 
• Can potentially video record it. 

CONS:

• The court house for NAD is far. About a 45 minute drive. 
• It's so close to Thanksgiving, that out of state friends/family may not be able to make it. 
• There is a conference that weekend that many of my local friends will be attending, so they would not be able to make our adoption. 
• It's so close to Little Guy's birthday.  
• Lots of people are already traveling that week due to Thanksgiving. 

The deadline to file petitions for NAD is 10/9/15...

Ugh. Of course this is all on stand-by until I can actually talk to my lawyer! I can't talk to her until my agency gets their act together and submits all my stuff to the court. It's frustrating not being able to plan for anything. If things went smoothly, I would have an adoption date already.  <sigh>

I guess I shouldn't complain, as I'm extremely grateful to be adopting! I just wish the adoption would happen a few months before the holidays and before Little Guy's birthday. I want them to be "separate" events and not combine the adoption into any birthday/holiday celebrations.

But we are where we are. I think I'm leaning towards NAD, even if I feel like the Cons out-weigh the Pros. It would be nice if I can get the date sooner than later so I can send out a "save the date" thing and maybe people can plan to make it out.

The best thing is I am going to be adopting my Little Guy. These are just the minute details. I would like all those that have been part of our journey to be a family to attend. But I know that is just wishful thinking.

Edited to Add: Another PRO for NAD is that you can record the adoption procedures (confirmed from the adoption lawyer). On non-NAD days, you can't. This would be great, since Little Guy will be too young to remember it and I would love to show him the recording of when we officially became a family.

Adoption Update: A little forward progress

It's taking FOREVER to get Certified to Adopt!!! This is the big hold up on getting an adoption date. Today, finally received some "movement" forward!

Email from my licensing worker (who I've been bugging by emailing every week asking for an update) just responded to this week's 'Any Updates?' email: 

"Yes, I'm submitting the home study today to the adoptions supervisor for review which may take a couple of days and then submitting it to court!" 

Yippee! Once it gets submitted to the court, I can finally contact an adoptions lawyer! So maybe next week there'll be "actual" movement and by the end of the month I will have an adoption date. Hoping for an October date! 

Next steps: After the submission to court, contact my adoption lawyer!

Adoption Update: Most Paperwork Completed! Still waiting for Certification

Had a big meeting yesterday for Little Guy to review his current Physical Therapy goals. We had a big crowd: Case Coordinator, Physical Therapist, CPS Case Manager (CM), and my Licensing Worker (LW). The meeting went relatively quick, which is good! We are continuing to work on some stuff, which I'm happy about.

Paperwork

I was able to get all the paper work to the CM and the remaining paperwork to my LW. The only thing remaining is for all the medical professionals to complete the subsidy paperwork. All the appointments are scheduled though, so that's good. 

Now, my LW needs to complete my Adoption Home Study and submit my certification for adoption to the State. This part seems like it's taking FOREVER!!! We've known we were moving towards adoption for months now - I hate the lag time. 

It feels like it's taking a long time! But everyone's hoping the adoption will be in October... Let's see. I'm thinking it's going to be the end of October. I just don't want it to go into November - with the holidays and all. 

Fostering and Adopting

I spoke to my LW about whether I want to foster again or try straight adoption (for another child)... She said if I went to straight adoption that I would probably be waiting 2-3 years, as the State does not give preference to single women... They do have a "safe harbor" here and the State rotates the safe harbor babies through all the adoption agencies. I can always go on that list, which would still be 2-3 years (if not longer). BUT, if I take another foster child - they won't consider me for any types of adoption. Because there's a biased against single women and the number of children in the household. 

So, I'm at a cross roads about what to do next. Continue fostering? Go straight adoption? Of course, all of this is dependent on what happens with TTC Baby C... and whether Baby C will come to us through adoption or if TTC will be successful. Therefore, not deciding now. 

But it's still in the back of my head on what I shall do next. 

How do I feel? 

I feel more comfortable with the fact that I'm going to adopt my Little Guy!!! I've lived for so long not knowing - that I can't shake it entirely! So, getting everything legalized is all I want. 

Next Steps: 

1. Certified to Adopt -- takes about 30 days after submitted. Estimated, end of August. 
2. Once certification is completed, I can FINALLY contact an adoption lawyer! 
3. Then, can hopefully get an adoption date within 60 days after that. 
4. More paperwork with the adoption lawyer. 
5. Meet with another lawyer to get my Will, Living Will, and other documents completed - prior to the adoption. 
6. Adoption! 

Losses, Luck, and Life

**WARNING** a bit of whining and venting below.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty sad. Today I'm having my 3rd IUI and it is so hard to be hopeful. It just feels like I'll never get pregnant and it almost feels like going through this TTC process is futile. I had  a very emotional weekend - which I haven't had time to write about yet... mostly because I'm not sure what it all means and haven't had time to process how I feel yet. But it's got my mind spinning and bringing my thoughts back to my past and resurfacing old feelings.

For some reason, this morning my thoughts went to the last time I was "in love" and when Plan A seemed like it was starting to happen. Looking back, I remember feeling like "this was it." I let my guard down and allowed myself to believe in Plan A and Plan A coming to fruition.

Obviously, that didn't happen and my gut was all wrong. I believe that I officially gave up on Plan A after I realized that things weren't going to progress in that direction. I always had Plan B in mind since my late 20's, but I really wanted Plan A - more specifically, I wanted Plan A with this particular guy...

Not sure why all of these old feelings of loss and sorrow resurfaced this morning. These feelings came back with a vengeance and really gutted me. I think that with all that happened over the weekend paired with Plan B not happening as easily as I thought, has gotten me in a tailspin of emotions and bringing up some questions that I thought I have already answered.

I've come to terms with being Single and being a Single Mom. I am 100% secure with my decisions to be a single foster mom, adopt as a single woman, and pursue trying to conceive through artificial insemination. Having all these feelings resurface does not change my resolve to move forward or change my mind in living the path that I'm on right now.

But there are times - like today - where I feel the loss of my Plan A and of what could've been. A different path, but not my path to take.

In all honesty, I don't think I've really "given up" on finding love or a partner. I still have hope that one day it'll happen. I just know now that it's not going to happen in the fashion that I thought it would (i.e. get married, have children).

I haven't had much luck in life. But lately, things have been very happy. First, the adoption with Little Guy. Second, the events over the weekend. That's two really good things that have happened in a short period of time. I just feel like I don't normally get "lucky" -- which makes me doubt that Cycle #3 will be a success. Three good things happening in a short period of time? Hmmm... not normally the way my life works.

I was feeling horribly sad and down this morning. Then, Little Guy wakes up and I hear his sweet voice on the baby monitor. Which made me feel like the luckiest person in the world :) Also, made me realize that it's sad that Plan A didn't work. But if it did, I wouldn't have my Little Guy. So, things all work out as they should.

Going to try to hold onto that if Cycle #3 isn't a success. Life and events will happen as they should. I'm going to try my best to not be positive or negative about this IUI and trust that it'll happen as it should.

Receiving the Placement Call for Little Guy

With our adoption moving along smoothly, I wanted to share the story of when Little Guy was first placed with me in foster care. 

2013 was the year that I received the most foster placements: 4. Little Guy was #4 for that year. When I went back on the foster care placement list in December, my criteria was: 

• One child
• Any race 
• Male or Female
• Age: 0-3 months old

It's interesting how placements of foster kids work, it mostly goes by the city you live in. They like to place the kids in or around the city they were displaced from, because it makes visitations with birth parents easier/closer. It can sometimes take awhile to get placed with a Newborn from foster care, (unless that newborn comes with a sibling) because a lot of foster families want Newborns. Also, some Case Managers do not like placing Newborns with single parents. I was expecting to wait a few weeks before I received a placement because of my limited placement criteria and because I'm single. 

After going back on the list, Little Guy was my second placement call. The call came on a Monday at about 11:00am. This is the information I received: 

• Male
• White 
• 4 days old
• Which hospital he was at 
• Reason he was put into care 

I said "Yes," I would be willing to take him. Since I had experience with similar cases, the placement coordinator, from my foster care agency, vouched for me with CPS saying that I was a "good fit" for him. A few minutes later, I received the confirmation call from CPS. So, not being in the direct geographic area and being single - I still got chosen as his foster home. 

At this time, I wasn't sure if I was *really* going to get him. I've had situations where CPS makes the confirmation call, but then no child ever shows up (normally because they found a relative & forget to inform the foster parent). It was getting pretty late in the day and I still hadn't heard from the Case Manager (CM) on how pickup or drop off was going to work.

FINALLY around 2pm, I received a call from the CM. It was decided that the CM would be dropping off Little Guy to my house, as they didn't want me going to the hospital to pick him up. 

At around 6PM, he finally arrived. He was screaming his head off! The CM seemed overwhelmed and said he screamed the entire way from the hospital. I took him out of the car seat and rocked him, he quickly stopped crying :) 

Originally, the CM told me that Little Guy was most likely "short term" - that there was a relative that would possibly take him within a few days. That didn't end up happening and Little Guy ended up staying with me.  

Considering how random the foster placement system works, I feel so fortunate to have been chosen to be Little Guy's foster mom and soon-to-be adoptive mom. Life works in mysterious ways and I'll forever be grateful that our paths intersected. I feel like I was meant to be his mom! Now, just to get through the adoption process...! 

And that's how Little Guy came to live with me and how the process all began that is now leading to my first adoption.  

Adoption Update: Paperwork & Meetings Galore!

Finally making huge headway into finalizing Little Guy's Adoption!

Meeting with my Agency

Had a home visit with my licensing worker (LW) this week. She will be completing my Adoption Home Study & submitting the request for me to be Certified to Adopt, ONCE she receives the request from CPS (which hasn't happened yet). My LW said she's already mostly done with things, just can't complete it all until this referral comes through.

I have a lot of paperwork that needs to be completed. My LW thinks that I can probably get an adoption date in September -- SEPTEMBER! I'm very hopeful. I think I've already come to the acceptance that it may be as late as November. National Adoption Day would be fun, but the timing is a little inconvenient. So, now I'm hoping that things move along steadily for a September Adoption :)

Paperwork to complete:

1. Application for Certification to Adopt 
2. Adoptive Families Central Registry Records Clearance 
3. Health Information and Medical Examination of Child 
4. Criminal History Self Disclosure Affidavit 
5. Family Information for Input into the Central Adoption Registry 

1st Meeting with Adoptions Case Manager at CPS 

I had my first meeting with the Adoptions Case Manager (CM). YAY! Although, I have to admit - I wasn't that impressed with our CM. I don't know what it was, but it was just a strange meeting. I have a whole packet of paperwork to complete. She basically handed it over and doesn't seem like she's going to help me with it much! She's not optimistic about a September adoption date, she's thinking more like October/November. Boo. She still hasn't completed the referral to my agency to request my Adoption Home Study. She says she's going to do, but she said that after our conversation on Wednesday - so who knows how long it'll take her. That's going to be the major delay.

Paperwork to complete:

1. Adoption Subsidy Checklist 
2. Adoptive Family Subsidy Application 
3. Adoption Subsidy Rate Evaluation 
4. Adoptive Placement Agreement 
5. Child Certification Documentation Attachment (to be completed by each specialists/doctor)

I also received a list of lawyers that I could use for the adoption. I've already chosen my lawyer. 

Next Steps:

1. Complete Agency paperwork, get notarized, and mail back. 
2. Complete CPS paperwork, provide at next meeting in July. 
3. Go to each medical professional to complete subsidy paperwork (need to schedule appointments) 
4. Keep following up to make sure CM has submitted request to my LW. 

Very excited to be moving along. I really am hoping for a September adoption date. There's a lot running in my mind about the adoption: the name change, the adoption Life Book, the adoption date, if I want to take adoption leave from work, and planning an adoption party! 

Things I still need to do: set-up a PO Box and email for communication with the birth parents. This is on my To-Do list for next week. I'm really starting to think about what that looks like... communication and contact with the birth family. Also, what types of questions do I want to ask them? I have to really start thinking about these things. I really want to ask them to send me pictures of them with Little Guy. Maybe there's some maternity pictures? That would be nice. Will have to sit down and really think this part through. 

Taking one step at a time, but we're moving forward!