IVF #3 (Cycle 10): IVF converted to IUI #7

My ramblings on Stim Days 6-8 and the important Monitoring Appointment #2 results, & the decision to convert to an IUI. For my other stims days see:

Stim Day 1
Stim Days 2-5

Stim Day 6 (7/15)

I was a bit bitter doing my injections today. Not sure what was going to happen this cycle makes it frustrating to be injecting all these meds into my system. Feels like I'm almost throwing money away. I know it'll all be worth it if the cycle ends up continuing. But if it doesn't, it's such a waste.

Stim Day 7 (7/16) 

Starting to feel really "hot," which sucks in this heat! I'm also highly impatient, which maybe means my estrogen levels are going up? But I'm hoping these are good signs and that it means my ovaries are working and the follicles are growing. Maybe some more will show up??? Feeling a little less fatalistic about the cycle today. Hoping it's not mis-placed optimism/hope. Right now I'm leaning towards moving forward with the cycle with PGS testing anything that makes it to Day 5 (plus my 2 frozen). I'm hoping that's still an option tomorrow...

Stim Day 8 (7/17) + Monitoring Appointment #2

I had a horrible Charlie horse this morning and hoped it wasn't indicative of how my monitoring appointment was going to go. Going into the appointment: I haven't been feeling noticeable ovary pain, so worried my follicles weren't  growing. I am moody, have CM, & running "hot" - so was hoping those were good signs.

Well, bad news first. At the monitoring appointment I only had maybe 2-3 follicles (most likely only 2). Therefore, IVF was not an option (needed >4 to do IVF). My options at that point: 1) convert to IUI or 2) cancel the cycle and do nothing.

The good news: I could convert to an IUI. I'm not sure if you remember, but when IVF #1 was cancelled, an IUI conversion wasn't possible and it was pretty devastating for me to do nothing. Have to find little strings of good news in all this...

Ordering more donor sperm 

Luckily, my RE was OK with converting to an IUI. Which I honestly don't have much hope of it working... and I wish I can have more "hope" that it'll work. The IUI led to another issue: I needed to order more sperm. Turns out the sperm I ordered for IVF #3, Donor #5 , did not have any IUI vials. I had purchased an A.R.T sperm vial for IVF #3, which has less sperm/vial than an IUI vial. Which meant I had to make another decision on a sperm donor. Frustrating? Yup. I decided to check out my previous donors. Both Donor #2 (from IUI #5) and Donor #3 (from IUI #6) were available. I decided to just go with Donor #2. No rhyme or reason really... I had vetted him thoroughly and would have used him for IUI #6, but he had no vials available. He also had a good sperm count, so that's where I decided to go.

I have a lot of emotions running through my body right now and thoughts swimming around. I'll try to post a more thorough post on my feelings later... I'm just exhausted from all this right now. Here's the plan:

1) Have IUI #7 this month.
2) If it doesn't work... do a FET in September and transfer both my frozen embryos. No testing them.
3) If that doesn't work... save money to do another IVF egg retrieval. Possibly do IUI's in between.

Not the best situation, but it's the situation I'm faced with.

Next Steps:

• 7/19/16 @ 11:45pm: Trigger Shot
• 7/20/16: Donor #2 IUI vial should arrive at my clinic 
• 7/21/16 @ 11:45am: IUI #7

For more info on my IVF cycle, check out my IVF Timeline.

The Woes of IVF #3

Warning: this will be ranting post.

The news I received yesterday at my first monitoring appointment sucked.  I'm not responding to the meds. How can I be responding so poorly to the medication? It just doesn't make sense to me. I guess it goes to show that every single IVF cycle is completely different than the last. Even though I had an "OK" response on this same protocol last time, it's not working this time.

All I can think is: F#@K!

THIS cycle was supposed to be my LAST IVF cycle. I was so sure about that when I decided to move forward that I would let myself stop after this. But now? I don't know... I wanted this to be equal to or better than IVF #2. Now it's looking disastrously like IVF #1.

I just feel so defeated... like this entire journey to have a baby, to build my family -- is going to end with no baby. I just hate this.

With all the ups and downs that I've gone through since starting this process, I've never felt so dejected. Things just keep stacking against me and I can't understand the "why" of it all.

Why it has to be so hard.
Why I have to have fertility issues.
Why I can't get pregnant.
Why I am not responding to the stims.
Why this journey has to be so long.
Why I can't just "stop" trying.

I want to be positive and optimistic and hopeful... I really do. But right now...

I just need to feel the anger that Infertility has brought into my life.
I need to feel the frustration.
I need to feel the sadness.
I need to feel the aches.
I need to feel the losses.
I need to feel just how hard this path has been.

With trying to conceive, it's like you keep going and going and going. You jump over the hurdles. You pass the sadness. You keep looking forward to that DREAM. The dream that helps you stay positive and optimistic and hopeful. But sometimes... You need to just STOP and let yourself feel all the anguish.

This is that time for me.

There are thoughts that I've been fighting with... the thoughts of my body failing me... or the lifelong dream of having a birth child melting away... So much going on in my mind of getting so close to being forced to let go of my dream of having Baby C. It's all just so heartbreaking and I can't let myself linger too long on this or I might not have the power to keep moving forward.

My thoughts are swirling on possible next steps, which won't be clear until my next monitoring appointment on Sunday. But here are some options I'm going to discuss with my RE:

1) Continue with the Cycle. I need 4-5 follicles for this to happen.

Option: freeze the embryos after fertilization. Then do a 3-day FET in September. No PGS. The risk here is not knowing if they are PGS normal.

Option: let the embryos grow to day 5 and PGS test, as planned. Risk here is that maybe none will make it this far.

2) Convert to an IUI. I would need less than 4 follicles for this option.

3) Cancel the cycle and do nothing.

I have no clue what the right thing to do is. I hate that I have to make all these hard decisions and not knowing if I'm making the right/wrong choice. I just pray the answer is clear when I need to make the decision on Sunday... unless the decision is forced upon me and there is no progress with my 5 follicles.

I wish I had a crystal ball just about now...

IVF #3 (Cycle 10): Stim Days 2-5, Monitoring Appt #1 - Possibility of canceling cycle

Here's a few ramblings for Stim Days 2-5 and my first monitoring appointment on Day 5.

See my post on Stim Day 1.

Stim Day 2 (7/11)

Started spotting today. My last BCP was last Tues 7/5. I normally get a light AF after I stop the BCP, but this time it took it awhile to start. Maybe because I was on BCP for a short period of time? Who knows... 

Stim Day 3 (7/12)

Already have a bruise on my tummy from the injections :(  Also, already feeling emotional. Need to stay away from sob-worthy TV episodes. Ugh. 

Stim Day 4 (7/13) 

Received an email from the genetic testing lab. I have to fill out some more waiver forms and put my credit card on file. The cost is going to be $1950 for up to 8 embryos. 

I now have a lot of bruising on my tummy. Which surprises me, as I normally don't bruise this easily during stims. Oh well, almost half way done. Not really feeling any discomfort yet in my ovaries, so hoping this is all working! 

Stim Day 5 (7/14) + Monitoring Appointment #1 

I have to admit, I was worried about the monitoring appointment. IVF #1 I had a low response. IVF #2 my right ovary didn't respond well. I was hoping to get a good response from both my ovaries this round. Day 5 is kinda early to really "know" if it's working, it's easier to see the follicles the longer you Stim for. However, at IVF #2 I had 8 follicles at the Day 5 monitoring. They retrieved 9 eggs, 8 were mature. So maybe it was the same 8 they saw on Day 5? 

The monitoring appointment didn't go well -- at all. I'm not sure if I was even prepared for the discussion on possibly canceling this cycle. Yup, CANCELING! I'm going to do a separate entry on my feelings and frustration with everything.... For now though, I'm responding very similarly as I did to IVF #1. They only saw 5 follicles and I have another cyst on my left ovary.

Here's a comparison of Day 5 monitoring results from all 3 IVF Cycles:

Monitoring Appt #1 (Stim Day 5)	IVF #1	IVF #2	IVF #3
Uterine Lining	11.56 mm	5 mm	4.5 mm
E2	280.5	252	254.5
Right Ovary Follicle Count	4-5	3	3
Left Ovary Follicle Count	2 + Cyst	5	2 + Cyst
Total Potential Follicles	6-7	8	5

At this juncture, I was actually doing better on Stim Day 5 with IVF #1 vs IVF #3. Ugh.

This is not what I expected, at all. I have my next monitoring appointment on Sunday (Stim Day #8) where I'm really going to have to decide what to do next... I'll save that for my venting entry.

I'm feeling so defeated at this point... I'm just not understanding why this just keeps getting harder and harder and harder. Where's the light at the end of the tunnel?

Portal Message: No medication changes. 

Next Steps: 

• 7/17/16: Monitoring Appointment #2 - ultrasound and blood work. 

For more info on my IVF cycle, check out my IVF Timeline. 

IVF #3 (Cycle 10): Stim Day #1

The day has quickly arrived for me to start stims! Since I'm doing my injections so early 5:30 am/pm, I still had to do them early today -- Sunday, even though it was the weekend.

I ended up laying out all my supplies the night before, so I wouldn't be scrambling in the morning. This seemed to work well for me, especially since I was a bit groggy this morning! 

The injection wasn't too bad, it actually is less painful than the Lupron needle. 

I had a bit of a lingering migraine after my morning injection. Not really sure if it's related to the stims or not? I'd have to read my previous blog entries to recall if I had migraines on stims previously. You'd think I would remember! But the truth is, all my cycles are a bit of a blur at this point. Looking at  my entry from IVF #1, looks like I had a headache on day 1 of stims as well. 

The evening injection was a little stressful because it was during the time that I was making dinner and prepping my meals for the week. But I got it done! Day #1 of stims completed. 

How am I feeling? 

I've been on this journey to have this baby for such a long time now... All I could really think is, I never thought it'd be so hard to build my family. It seems like such a far away dream to have this baby. I have doubts that it'll ever work. I have big hopes that it will. I'm trying my best not to have any expectations. Right now, I don't have any expectations of this cycle. There are so many steps to go before things will become clearer... 

Throughout my entire TTC journey, I've held onto my hope and love for my future child. I still have that today, maybe more so... Because of all the trials I've had to go through up to now. There's also something hanging in the air this cycle -- the end of TTC. Which brings so many conflicting feelings. 

Anyways... Here we go! Let's see how this cycle goes. 

Next Steps: 

• 7/14/16: Monitoring Appointment #1 - Ultrasound and Blood work.

For more info on my IVF cycle, check out my IVF Timeline. 

IVF #3 (Cycle 10): Lupron Injections Begin + Sperm Arrived

Things are about to get busy with IVF, just started injections! 

7/5/16: Stopped Birth Control

I just have to note that I spotted a lot while on birth control. This happened to me in Novemeber 2015 when I was starting IVF #1 as well, but I don't think I wrote about it. I totally forgot that happened until it happened again this time. I don't like being on birth control, thankful to be done with it. 

I was a bit moody BEFORE I started the Lupron. Hoping that isn't a precursor for when I start stims! 

7/8/16 Start Lupron Injections 2x's a day

I started my Lupron Injections today. 2x's a day at 5:30 am/pm. As much as I have done injections, the first few I'm always a bit hesitant. First 2 shots are in the bag. 

Donor #5 Arrived

Received confirmation that Donor #5 arrived at my clinic. So, that's all ready to go... I had a bit of a minor "fear" that I only ordered 1 vial and kept thinking if I should've bought a 2nd vial "just in case" something goes wrong with the first one. I shouldn't be too nervous, I only had 1 vial last time and there weren't any issues. 

I can't believe I start stims in 2 DAYS! I'm not anxious yet... but I'm sure that'll change when stims start up. Things seem to be going so quickly now. 

Next Steps: 

• 7/10/16: Start Stims 
• 7/14/16: Monitoring Appointment #1 and Bloodwork 

For more on my IVF cycle, check out my IVF Timeline. 

IVF #3 (Cycle 10): Donor #5

I had a bit of dilemma when entering into IVF #3, Donor #4 I used for IVF #2 does not currently have any vials available. This was hard for me when deciding to move forward with IVF #3 because that means I'd have to use a new donor. Meaning, my 2 embryos from IVF #2 will have a different donor than any embryos from IVF #3.

Normally, I'm not that attached to my donors (after donor #1 that is). However, since I already have 2 embryos... I would have really liked to have all my embryos have the same donor. I guess I won't really know how it'll all play out until after we see what happens with IVF #3 and then receive the PGS results. I'll be honest though, that depending on how the PGS results turn out - the donor with the most normal PGS embryos will be the batch of embryos I choose to transfer. Not to jump too far ahead... fingers crossed I have a good egg retrieval - then that they make it to blast - then that they come back PGS normal - and survive freeze and all that. So many steps. Nonetheless, it's hard not to think about it.

Ideally, having one donor would have been better. Now, I'll have embryos from 2 different donors...

Choosing Donor #5 wasn't very difficult. I narrowed it down a month ago when I was considering moving forward with the cycle. I have to admit, I did less screening as I've done in the past. Not sure it really matters all that much anymore? I remember feeling so conflicted when I ordered Donor #1 and it took me a long time to pick a donor. I guess since none of those donors have "worked" and nothing has worked in this TTC process, the stress of picking a new donor is way down on my list of worries.

This time, I did have a small conflict between two donors that I liked. But I stuck with the one I already vetted.

Donor #5 will be arriving on 7/8!

For more on my IVF cycle, check out my IVF Timeline. 

IVF #3 (Cycle 10): Big Box of Meds Arrived

My big box of IVF #3 meds arrived today! I remember when my first box of meds arrived for IVF #1 and how overwhelmed I felt. What is also funny is that I DID have drama ordering my IVF meds this first time, I just didn't remember that until I re-read that entry. Funny how memory works sometimes.

This time when I received my IVF meds, it was like nothing. Interesting how easy you can adapt to IVF. It's all "crazy big IVF" to begin with. Now, it's just another cycle.

My meds: 

I was actually missing 1 med, the Zithromax Tri-Pak. When I called they said they don't carry it... Which is funny because I've ordered it from them directly 3x's prior. Tsk tsk. When I submitted my order the other day they included it. They really should call and say, "We weren't able to order XX." Alas, customer service is dead at some companies. They're lucky I wasn't PO'd this time, since I don't need that med till later. I put in a message to my RE to see if they can send a new script to my local pharmacy. It was so quick, that my order was ready within 30 minutes of sending the email request to my RE's office. Now, THAT is customer service. 

Other than that, everything was there. I ordered my Microdose Lupron. It'll arrive on Wednesday.

I'm not feeling much emotion over the cycle yet. But it seems to always start out that way. Once the medications start, things change. I have to say, I do think it's the hormones that make things so wacky with IVF. I mean, there is also the emotional side of TTC of course... but the meds just escalate those feelings a million-fold. Logistically, it'll be different doing stims this cycle because I commute to work. I have to decide on a time I can consistently do my injections. I have a morning shot and then 12 hours later I have my evening shot. Right now, I'm thinking 5:30am and 5:30pm. Have to see if that works as mornings are hectic. I figure if I'm +/- 15 minutes from those times, I should be fine.

I still need to order donor sperm... which is on my agenda this weekend. I already chose the donor, it's just a matter of doing the order.

Right now, still excited about this cycle. I actually can't believe I'm doing this again... I was thinking the other day that I've been on this journey since November 2014! I can't believe it's been that long and I can't believe I have not gotten pregnant through 6 IUI's, 1 fresh transfer, and 1 FET. I thought I'd have my baby by now... I really did. I had no clue this journey would be so long and so difficult.

Well, here's to hoping I'm closer to the dream of Baby C.

Next Steps:

• 7/5/16: Stop Birth Control Pills
• 7/8/16: Start Lupron 
• 7/10/16: Day #1 of Stims 

For more on my IVF cycle, check out my IVF Timeline. 

IVF #3 (Cycle 10): Cycle Pay Day

Had another appointment at my clinic for IVF #3. My clinic has three offices around the area. This was my first time going to the office that's close to my new work location. It's a lot more smaller than the other offices, probably due to the location.

The Agenda: 

• Sign Consent Forms - the PGS testing consent form was a little confusing 
• Injections Training - didn't really go through it, since this is my 3rd go-around 
• Pay for Cycle - pricing listed below
• Provide Urine Sample - making sure I'm not pregnant. Had to laugh at that. 
• Bloodwork - HIV testing, standard before starting the cycle 

I had to choose which insurance to use for this cycle: 1) Old insurance through old employer (that ends in August) and 2) New Insurance with new employer.

The new insurance has a life time limit of $15,000 for infertility treatments. I could have used the new insurance to pay this cycle and would have been about $2K less... but then I would've cut into that life time limit... So, I decided to use my old insurance for this cycle and pay the extra $2K. I didn't want to risk the life time limit... just in case.

Here's the breakdown of pricing - just for the costs associated with the clinic: 

IVF #3	Pricing	NOTE
Proefessional Fees	$0.00	Billed to Insurance
Lab Fees	$3,215.00
Surgery Center Fees	$0.00	Billed to Insurance
Estimated Co-Pays, Co-Insurance, Deductible (estimated 5 stim visits)	$800.00
Anesthesia Fees	$0.00	Billed to Insurance
Embryo Cryopreservation	$500.00	Should be covered, but billed anyways.
Thaw of existing embryos	$350.00	$175 each
ICSI	$1,525.00
Assisted Hatching	$515.00
PGS/PGD Biopsy Fee	$2,250.00	Up to 8 Embryos
PGS/PGD Biopsy Fee >8	TBD	$150.00/Each
Paid to Fertility Clinic	$9,155.00
Credit at Clinic	$1,387.14
Total Due	$7,767.86	Due on injection training day

Here's the breakdown of other costs, some are estimates:

Genetic Testing Lab - TBD
PGS Multi-cycle Plan	$2,200.00	Up to 8 embryos over 3 IVF cycles.
Shipment	$375.00	Per Shipment
	$2,575.00
Medications/Pharmacy
Order #1: Provera	$0.79
Order #2	$215.00	All meds, minus Lupron
Order #3	TBD	Lupron Only
	$215.79
Other
Baseline U/S	TBD	$25
Donor Sperm	TBD	1 or 2 vials?
Egg Retrieval Anesthesia	TBD	Usually receive bill after insurance reviews.
	$0.00
Total Cost for IVF #3	$11,945.79
Total Out of Pocket Costs	$10,558.65

What's nice so far is that I've been able to cash-roll this IVF cycle. Nothing on credit and no loans.

Here's my IVF calendar:

I'm excited to get this cycle started and to see what's going to happen with the PGS testing. That will really be the tell-tell on what is going to happen next for me with TTC. Hopefully all will go well and I'll have my FET in September.

Really hoping this cycle has good results...!

Next Steps:

• 7/5/16: Stop Birth Control Pills
• 7/8/16: Start Lupron 
• 7/10/16: Day #1 of Stims 

For more on my IVF cycle, check out my IVF Timeline. 

IVF #3 (Cycle 10): New IVF Calendar!

There's something exciting about receiving a new IVF calendar! My Egg Retrieval is scheduled for 7/21/16.

I've been really bad about posting. The last few weeks at the new job have been busy. With the new commute and the lack of a good night's sleep... I feel like I'm dragging most of the time!

But I did want to post that I'm moving forward with my IVF cycle and I feel very excited about it. Not only am I going to be able to cash roll this cycle, but I'm feeling good about the prospect of a good retrieval.

Quick Update 

Since last time I wrote, AF decided to be REALLY late. Surprisingly, I started AF on Sunday 6/19 - the very last day I could start to do the July retrieval (although my RE already said it was OK if I didn't start - but it was still a relief to finally get AF). The bad thing was, it was a few days of very light flow --- then it was so heavy. Ugh. It was a little difficult for me since I was at work and had to keep going to the bathroom. But I survived.

Then, they got me my IVF calendar on 6/21! I meant to update last week when I received it, but no time.  I also received my quotes for the cycle, I'll write a separate post on that.

Pharmacy Vent

The only sucky thing that's happened was I had a HORRIBLE experience ordering my meds! This is my 3rd IVF cycle... my 4th time ordering meds (IVF #1, IVF #2, FET #1, now IVF #3). I have never had a bad experience or a hassle ordering my meds from my pharmacy. But this time... man oh man. I was on the phone for 1 1/2 hours being transferred everywhere and no one could answer the question, "What needs to be done so I can order my meds?"

Simple question right? Well, no one knew the answer. Very frustrating.

They needed preauthorization.
Doctor already sent over the preauthorization.
They needed a form from my doctor stating what type of procedure I was going to have.
They already received it.

Turns out... ALL my meds (minus the microdose lupron) were already authorized from my IVF #1 cycle. The medications were authorized for one year. So, there was absolutely NO NEED to go through all those transfers and waste all that time. They were just lazy and not wanting to look at a second screen.

GRRRRR.

I don't normally get impatient with customer service people, but when they can't tell me WHY they can't do my order and just transfer me all around the company, it pisses me off. I finally did talk to a competent person who did a "warm transfer" to ordering and walked them through how to see the authorizations.

Ok, that aside... I am really excited about this upcoming cycle! It's so strange how I can take a break and hardly think about TTC and even consider not TTC anymore... then I get my IVF calendar and I'm all excited again and keep thinking about the "what ifs."

I'm going to try and write a more detailed entry later and provide my updated calendar (after I make it!).

Next Steps: 

• 6/29/16: Injections/Consent Forms/Bill Due
• 7/5/16: Last day of BCP
• 7/8/16: Lupron Start 
• 7/10/16: Start Stims 

For more info on my IVF journey, click here.  IVF #3 details to be added soon!

IVF #3 (Cycle 10): Cycle is a "Go" for now

As I mentioned in my last post, AF decided not to show up. I'm supposed to start my cycle by 6/19 to have a July retrieval.

I took Provera for 5 days, last pill was last Sunday -- and now it's Friday. Still nothing. I contacted my RE's office on Wed (as instructed) and they told me to wait until today to call if AF still hasn't arrived. When I called today, they said they wanted me to come in for an ultrasound. 

I ended up leaving work early to make my appointment. Good news: no cysts on my ovaries. Also, my RE said my lining is at about 10mm and I *should* start bleeding soon. If I don't start bleeding by Monday, I'm supposed to call back & get the start time for starting birth control. 

My RE said he's ok with starting the IVF cycle even if AF doesn't come, since there's nothing crazy going on (i.e. Cysts). They did take a blood sample to check my progrsterone and estrogen levels. 

He's counting the ultrasound today as my baseline ultrasound. So even if I do start AF, I won't have to go in for monitoring until right before I start stims. 

My antral follicle count was looking good. About 7-8 follicles on the right and about 7 on the left. Which is way better than I had for my last IVF cycle. 

I guess I'm back on the IVF bandwagon. It feels like it's been forever since I've seen my RE and forever since I've  cycled. But it's just like riding a bike (unfortunately). 

I surprisingly have about a $1400 credit at my clinic! Guess the insurance paid more than they estimated. Right now I have double insurance coverage, so I'm hoping the costs will be way down. Will see.... I should get another cost estimate next week. 

It's so weird how "normal" it feels to be going through IVF. I love my RE and the clinic, but I'm so looking forward to the day my RE says I'm released to a OBGYN! Oh... I hope the day comes soon. 

This IVF cycle will be a freeze-all and I'm going to PGS test all my new eggs. I was thinking about not testing my 2 frozen... But I think my RE has talked me into testing those too. I'm hoping and praying for really good results. Then maybe do an Endo scratch in August with a FET in September. 

Will see how it all goes! Fingers crossed for a successful IVF #3 egg retrieval with a lot of embryos to test and great PGS result.

IVF #3 (Cycle 10): No Cycle

Shouldn't surprise me, but AF is late. Normally I wouldn't mind AF not showing up every now and then, but I'm supposed to start my next IVF cycle this month. I need AF to come by June 19, or I will miss the cycle to have my IVF egg retrieval in July. 

I have to say, I was tempted to just "let it slide." No AF = waiting to do my IVF cycle until August. Which I was ok with initially. 

Then my logical brain caught up and my insurance coverage is changing in August, so I really need AF to come and to cycle in June/July. 

I called my RE's office and they prescribed Provera for 5 days, which I start tonight. If AF doesn't come by 6/15, I need to call the office again. 

Here's hoping AF comes and that I can meet the deadline...! 

It's been weird not cycling... Technically I've taken a one month break, which is really nothing at all! But it's been nice not having any vaginal ultrasounds or giving myself injections! 

This is my last go at a full retrieval IVF. 

The Question

In a previous post, I mentioned that I have been having major doubts about moving forward with IVF #3. I was discussing my potential next steps with a friend and she asked me how I would feel if I never had a birth child. 

She wasn't asking it to be mean. She's never had a birth child and has never had the drive to have a birth child. So, she was curious and wanted to understand.

I've always dreamed about being pregnant and having a baby. I think I've dreamed about it since I was a little girl. It's always something I was looking forward to when I grew up, becoming a birth mother (and adopting). Basically, getting to be a mother.

When she asked me this question... my immediate response:

"It would hang over me for the rest of my life if I didn't do everything I could do to have a birth child." 

She was shocked at my response... and so was I. I was surprised about how much I truly feel that way. That I have to exhaust every possible IVF route before I can say, "I've done all I could do."

I'm not there yet. 

That made me start thinking about all my doubts in my previous post and deciding if I truly should go through with IVF #3. What would make me feel like I've done all I could do? That's when I decided that I needed to draw a line in the sand... a STOPPING point. Not a hard stop, but a "stop for now." All this continuos TTC is taking a toll on me. I've talked about stopping points when I was doing my IUI's and contemplating IVF. Originally, I wasn't going to move towards IVF. Then I was only going to do ONE IVF cycle. Then I did a second. Now I'm doing a third.

I need to give myself permission to STOP. 

I think it would give me peace of mind and release myself from this obligation of staying on the TTC train and trying and trying and trying and trying. I've spent almost $25K on this process so far... looking to spend at least $10-$13K more (for IVF #3 and FET #2).

That leaves the question: Where's my stopping point? 

After thinking about this, I've decided that IVF #3 will be my last fresh cycle. I will go through FET's for all my PGS normal embryos. If the first one doesn't stick, I'll see if there's additional testing to be done on me. If none of them stick, I'll transfer (without testing) my 2 frozen from IVF #2. Then, I'm stopping. At that point I'll feel like I did all I could do to try and have Baby C. Or that's how I hope I feel.

None of this is concrete. It just means I'll stop "for now" and re-address at a later time. Maybe when I can cash-roll another IVF cycle, get out of debt from all my TTC costs, or maybe when I recover from this emotional roller coaster. I just need to be smarter about my financial position and make better choices. I don't want to bankrupt myself or put myself in a bigger hole that I wouldn't be able to get out of.

It's interesting because I felt like there was so much riding on all my other IVF cycles. It just "HAD TO WORK!" But I always knew that I would keep trying, keeping moving forward if it didn't work. Now, it's different. I know I'm getting close to the end of trying.

Strangely, there's a sense of calm about moving forward with IVF #3 now. I have a mental stopping point, which I'm getting very close to... But it feels like a relief to know it's there. That I can stop. And I can say that I've done all I could do to try and have a birth child. I have some peace with that thought.

So, IVF #3 is a GO for now. Let's see how it goes.

IVF #3 (Cycle 10): Doubts about moving forward

The plan from my post-consult meeting with me RE was: a fresh cycle with ICSI and PGS testing, freeze all cycle. Since I've had time to think things through, I'm starting to have doubts about moving forward.

Doubt #1: Testing my 2 embryos from IVF #2 

I'm running into an issue with testing my 2 embryos. I need a Sperm sample and the donor doesn't have any available right now. Which means I have to use a new donor for IVF #3. Meaning I'll have embryos from two different donors (if all goes well with IVF #3). Which is not what I want. I can save some $ if I don't thaw these embryos and I don't test them. I can always test later (when Sperm becomes available) or just never test them and do a Hail Mary FET if IVF #3 doesn't have any viable blasts.

I feel like I'm giving up on these embryos... It makes me want to just do the Hail Mary FET now and then do a fresh IVF cycle if it doesn't work. But that makes things complicated with the insurance coverage from my old job vs. the new job and banking embryos for a potential try for another baby in a few years. It's just all so complicated and to many different ways things can play out. 

Doubt #2: Going through a new IVF cycle while starting a new job 

I want to excel at my new job and kick butt in training! Can I do that if I'm on fertility meds? Will monitoring appointments make a bad impression on my new boss? I don't know... Going through IVF is such an emotional roller coaster! On the meds I'm an emotional mess. Asking for exceptions early on after starting a new job scares me. I need this job. I want this job. It's a great position with a wonderful company. I just don't want to risk screwing up this opportunity and being in a position where I don't have a job again -- ending up unemployed. Because I don't want to go through that scare again especially since I have to get my budgeting (debt snowball) crap together. 

Doubt #3: the price tag 

I need to cash-roll this IVF cycle. Which means I'm going to have to dip into a big chunk of my savings. Doable? Yes... but barely. That means instead of making a dent on my debt snowball, I'm going to focus that money on IVF#3. After being laid off, I really want to focus on putting myself in a financial position so that if this happens again, my family will be OK. That means I have to get rid of my debt. Doing a brand new IVF cycle with a price tag of $10k - give or take - really puts me behind on that goal. Again... Scary. Especially since there's no guarantee in any of this. So I can spend all this money (on top of the money I've already spent) and still not have a baby... which is where I'm sitting right now.

Logically, it totally makes sense to do another IVF cycle:

• I have the insurance coverage (which lowers costs - it would be closer to $20-25K without it)
• I'm still young so better quality eggs (vs waiting until I'm older)
• The timing "can" potentially work with the new job for monitoring (if I play my cards right and if my boss is flexible - don't know this factor yet)
• I also wanted to try for another baby in a few years - so makes sense to have more eggs for later (younger eggs)
• The FET timing will work with maternity leave from work (at the new job)... 

So theoretically, a new cycle makes total sense.

So if it's so LOGICAL, why do I have all the doubts? All these doubts have made me want to just stop. Transfer the 2 embryos I have left (with no testing) and then call it quits either way. I'm emotionally drained from this infertility journey. The thoughts of a whole new IVF cycle with the new job and the costs... stresses me out just thinking about juggling everything. Because life isn't all about trying to have this baby and IVF... I have a son, I have a house to maintain, I have a LIFE to live outside of fertility treatments. It just feels like my life since I started this journey in November 2014 has all been focused on having this baby.

I'm just feeling drained. I'm feeling a little defeated. I'm worried about my financial position. I'm worried about making a good impression at work. Adding another emotional, injection filled, hormone-induced, IVF cycle just makes me feel TIRED.

Am I making the right choice?
Should I stop?
Should I keep going?
When will be the time to call it quits on trying to have this baby?

At this point in my TTC/Infertility journey... I'm starting to think that maybe I'm having all these obstacles because I'm not meant to have a birth child... I HATE to think that. I hate it. But, what if that's my path? When is the time to accept that?

I've been considering moving forward with adopting a new child instead... But I've put such a hole in my financial position by going through fertility treatments, I can't afford to try domestic private adoption right now. I know I'm a foster parent, but I'm not fostering so I can adopt... I'm fostering so I can help. There's no guarantee that a child that comes into your care will become adoptable and as a foster parent it's important to support the case plan which is reunification. So, I don't foster so I can adopt... plus, I've had 9 children and 8/9 have returned to family and only 1 has led to adoption (my son). Which is funny because another fellow single foster mother has fostered 6 kids and 3 of hers she adopted. It's different for everyone. I don't look at fostering as a means to adoption, if that makes any sense. Which is why if I decide to adopt, I'll go the domestic private adoption route.

Ugh. Only if I had a crystal ball or a big neon sign showing me the way to go.

For now, I'm taking my DHEA and COQ10 to prep for the cycle and hoping it helps with egg quality. I'll make a decision when AF comes and it's time to start cycling. It's weighing heavily on my mind right now. Luckily I have time to make a decision. 

FET #1 Post Mortem Consult + IVF #3 Plan

I had my WTF post-cycle consult with my RE today.

Here's the plan: Fresh IVF+ICSI Cycle, Freeze All, PGS Test + 2 frozen from IVF #2.

1. May: Month Off - no fertility meds. I've been on fertility meds almost every month for over a year! Time to give my body a break, even if it's a short one. 
2. June: Prep for IVF #3. Call on CD #1. Need to get period by June 19th to make the July retrieval. 
3. July: retrieval the week of July 18-22. 
4. August: If everything goes well with testing and we have normal PGS tested embryos, prep for FET #2, call on CD #1. Possible endometrial scratch.  
5. September: FET #2 with Transfer ~ 9/22 

We went over my cycle stats and everything looked great, no way to know why the cycle didn't work. There are 3 reasons it wouldn't work: 1) Embryo Quality, 2) Endometrial not receptive, or 3) Error on the actual Transfer. My RE says it's most likely due to embryo quality.

So many possibilities. The statistics show that most likely its #1: Embryo Quality. Which is why we need to do the testing to determine how many of the embryos are genetically normal. For my age, I should have a 60-40 % change of having normal eggs. Out of my 4 eggs, 2 didn't take. So who knows if the 2 left over are genetically normal or not, without testing them first. 

We discussed ERA testing, but my RE doesn't think that's necessary at this time. Will see if we have to come back to this at a later date. 

I'm having an issue with my donor. They need a sperm sample to send with the embryo biopsies for the PGS testing. Well, my sperm donor is sold out... Trying to find out if they can do the testing without the sperm sample and I'm also reaching out to the sperm bank to see if they have any extras... If not, I don't know if we'll be able to test the 2 frozen embryos. It also means I'd have to choose a new sperm donor for IVF #3. 

I had my financial consult and the costs are pretty high. I'm looking at a little over 10K for just the fresh IVF cycle with ICSI and PGS testing. There's a cost to freeze/refreeze my existing embryos. That price tag though... that doesn't even cover the FET #2 that'll happen in September, which would be another 3K or so. 

The infertility money pit that keeps taking and taking and taking. 

I feel that this plan is pretty sound and it makes sense. I still have dreams of trying for another baby in a few years. Better to get embryos now at 36 vs trying at 38/39 where egg quality goes down further. It makes sense to test the eggs to prevent any transfers of genetically abnormal embryos. 

So although I know this all logically makes sense... It still sucks to have to go through all of this again. It's a HUGE price tag, a HUGE time suck, a HUGE emotional rollercoaster. 

I'm starting to consider if this will be "it" for me. I don't think I will have another round of IVF in me after this. I'll have to re-evaluate things depending on how many embryos come back genetically normal. I secretly fear that I'll have zero embryos that are normal... I pray that's not the case and that I'll have a good % of normals.

But after all this... I'm getting close to stopping. Or at least stopping for a little bit. It's just getting to be too much and a little too emotionally hard. Have to see how things play out. Right now, I'm committed to the plan... I'm taking the month of May off and will be focusing on one step at a time to get through IVF #3.