IVF #3 (Cycle 10): Donor #5

I had a bit of dilemma when entering into IVF #3, Donor #4 I used for IVF #2 does not currently have any vials available. This was hard for me when deciding to move forward with IVF #3 because that means I'd have to use a new donor. Meaning, my 2 embryos from IVF #2 will have a different donor than any embryos from IVF #3.

Normally, I'm not that attached to my donors (after donor #1 that is). However, since I already have 2 embryos... I would have really liked to have all my embryos have the same donor. I guess I won't really know how it'll all play out until after we see what happens with IVF #3 and then receive the PGS results. I'll be honest though, that depending on how the PGS results turn out - the donor with the most normal PGS embryos will be the batch of embryos I choose to transfer. Not to jump too far ahead... fingers crossed I have a good egg retrieval - then that they make it to blast - then that they come back PGS normal - and survive freeze and all that. So many steps. Nonetheless, it's hard not to think about it.

Ideally, having one donor would have been better. Now, I'll have embryos from 2 different donors...

Choosing Donor #5 wasn't very difficult. I narrowed it down a month ago when I was considering moving forward with the cycle. I have to admit, I did less screening as I've done in the past. Not sure it really matters all that much anymore? I remember feeling so conflicted when I ordered Donor #1 and it took me a long time to pick a donor. I guess since none of those donors have "worked" and nothing has worked in this TTC process, the stress of picking a new donor is way down on my list of worries.

This time, I did have a small conflict between two donors that I liked. But I stuck with the one I already vetted.

Donor #5 will be arriving on 7/8!

For more on my IVF cycle, check out my IVF Timeline. 

Cycle #7, IVF #1: Choosing Donor #4

Here I am again, choosing a new sperm donor - this time for my first IVF Cycle. IVF, still hard for me to believe I'm here doing this.

Discussion with Embryologist 

Before I ordered, I called the Embryologist at my RE's office. I haven't worked with her before, since I've only done IUI's. Surprisingly, she called back QUICK and she's really-really nice! I liked her immediately. My questions were around: # of vials needed and type of vial needed. She said I can order an ART vial, which is amazing because it's HALF the price of IUI vials! YES, half the price! I am thrilled about this. ART vials have less sperm vs. IUI vials. For IVF, you don't need as many sperm - especially since I am doing ICSI.

This was the BEST news ever. Saving a little money feels really good.

Choosing Donor #4 

Technically, I can use 2 out of my 3 previous donors, as they have ART vials available.

Donor #1: Used for IUI's 1-4. Not available / no vials
Donor #2: Used for IUI 5. Available
Donor #3: Used for IUI 6. Available

I've decided to go with a new donor -- Donor #4.  I took a look at my previous donors and it's not that I didn't *like* them - I totally did! I just decided to take a new look at different possibilities.

What's interesting and different about doing IVF is that I'm doing ICSI, so the chances of my eggs getting fertilized are higher than a normal IUI where you don't even know if sperm met egg. There's a lot of pressure on Donor #4 because he most likely will be "the one" to help me have Baby C.

Some things stayed the same in my search criteria:

• Height - Over 6 feet tall. 
• Eyes - blue (preferred - not mandatory) 
• No Jewish Ancestry
• Has available ART Vials 
• No Diabetes 
• No major allergies 
• Proven Donor 

What's new: 

• Extended Testing - not all the donors at the sperm bank I've chosen have had extended testing. I didn't really look into that previously. Now, with doing IVF and ICSI - it kind of matters a little more to me. 

Once I inputted that criteria, the number of potential donors shrank. None of my previous donors were included in the Extended Testing. 

There was one donor who popped out to me, his profile caught my eye right away. He met my original search criteria + the extended testing. I liked his profile too. I emailed the sperm bank and received additional photos. The donor's baby pictures are adorable! 

Making the Purchase

The actual purchase was straight forward, since I've purchased from them for my previous donors. I stuck with the same sperm bank since I've had amazing customer service from them. Now, I have downloaded all the information off the website for this donor. My 3 month subscription to donor profiles will be expiring at the end of this month. Hopefully I won't have to order donor sperm ever again!! Will see how it goes...! I only ordered 1 ART vial. Believe it or not, Donor #4 only had 1 ART vial available for purchase. Glad I was able to snatch it up.

Next Step: Donor Sperm to arrive by 11/16.

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

Choosing Donor #3

Well, when I ordered Donor Sperm last month, I decided to order only 1 vial - to try to save money. As it turns out, Cycle #5 was a bust and I'm not pregnant. So, here I am ordering Donor Sperm again. Initially when I ordered Donor #2 last month, he had a bunch of vials available for purchase (20+). I was sure Donor #2 would be available again if I needed to purchase for Cycle #6. As it turns out, Donor #2 is sold out!!! Very popular it seems.

Luckily I'm not too attached to Donor #2 since Cycle #5 didn't work, so now it's moving onto Donor #3.

Picking Donor #3 was relatively easy. Originally, I thought I would go with my second choice from my search last month. But something just made me not want to choose him. I did so much research on donors last month, that I just reevaluated a few of my top choices and chose one from there.

Easiest donor choice I've made thus far!

One vial has been purchased. If Cycle #6 doesn't work, I'll have to figure out what type of vials to purchase for IVF. As I'm not sure how many vials they'll want and if they prefer ART vials vs. regular IUI vials. But that's a bridge to go over when/if it comes to that.

Will see if I stick with the same donor if I move to IVF... I have my "Top 5" that I'm OK going with. Good medical history, nice interviews, etc.

Lucky (hopefully) Donor #3 vial of baby-making goods should arrive next week.

Choosing Donor #2

When I first started this process, I had a hard time choosing a sperm donor. There just seemed to be so many options out there! Choosing a sperm bank was the hardest choice to make. I chose Seattle Sperm Bank (aka European Sperm Bank USA - ESB). They're a little bit smaller, a little bit cheaper, and I have had great customer service from them - they are very responsive.

With Donor #1, I was really happy with my choice and I thought I lucked out. Even when I found his profile, I didn't purchase right away. It took me a few weeks before I actually sucked it up and purchased the donor sperm. I received 4 vials. Now, all those vials are gone. I don't want to stick with the same donor. I figure, maybe it just wasn't meant to be with Donor #1 (obviously).

Choosing a Sperm Bank 

 Now, moving onto a new Donor. I'm going to stick with ESB. I really liked them and plus, the sperm analysis was great for all 4 vials! Knowing that, why risk the chance of changing sperm banks? I also know some SMC's that used ESB and all of them have had good sperm counts. That has to count for something. A CON for using them is, they have a smaller selection. But honestly, I like that it's smaller and there are less choices. Makes it easier to choose a donor (somewhat).

Now that I'm moving on, I haven't decided if I am only going to get 1 or 2 vials of Donor #2.

• Should I just order 1 vial with hopes that IUI#5 works? 
• Or order 2 vials to cover IUI#5 and IUI#6? 

The only big PRO in ordering 2 vials, and shipping them both now, is that I save on shipping costs (approx. $180-ish). But I keep thinking, if IUI #5 works -- why waste the extra $600+ on a second vial? Right now I'm leaning towards purchasing 1 vial. I'll stick with the same donor for IUI #5 and #6... but just wait to purchase for #6 (if it comes to that). I might be $180 out in shipping costs, but I can potential save $800+ if IUI #5 works. Playing the odds... let's see how it turns out. If I move onto IVF after that - I'll change donor's again.

I purchased ESB's "All Access Pass" for $50. This covers 3 months of being able to view all profiles, pictures, audio, extended profiles, etc. This would also cover me if/when I get to IVF, my access will still be available to choose Donor #3 (if needed - but let's hope it doesn't come to that).

Search Criteria

Researching donor's is tough... I decided to stick with some strict guidelines to make it easier to narrow it down. Mind you, everyone has different criteria when choosing a donor. It's a very personal choice. For the initial search I entered:

• Height - Over 6 feet tall. I want to play the odds with height. I'm 5'6 with some Asian blood in me, so want to help up the odds on the height factor. 
• No Jewish ancestry. I'm not Jewish. I have friends that are Jewish and their heritage is very important to them. I wouldn't want to choose a donor with Jewish ancestry and not be able to provide that to my child. 
• Has available IUI vials. I want to make sure they have available vials to purchase now and possibly later (for a possible sibling). 
• Blue or Blue-Green or Brown-Green Eyes. This is a very personal preference. My dad has blue/green eyes. I have brown eyes. Would love to see if the genetic game would give my baby colored eyes. To be fair, I did look at donors that had different eye colors. But I was happy with the # of donors that were narrowed down by adding this criteria. Less donors to choose from = easier choices to make. 

Narrowing Down Choices

Then, once that was narrowed down, I searched the profiles: 

• No major allergies. I was surprised to see some donors have MAJOR allergies!!! I personally don't suffer from major food/plant allergies, but I know friends that do - and it sucks. Why risk it? 
• No diabetes. I carry that gene, so trying to help my baby by not choosing a donor that carries it. 
• Would prefer no strokes, no cancer (especially no breast cancer), no arthritis (my dad has this), no high blood pressure (my dad has this). This is a tough one. Family history is never unblemished where medical conditions are concerned. I also am weary of someone with a really "clean" family history (were they being honest on their profile?). One of my top donor choices had so much in the family medical history, that I didn't go with him. He was perfect in every other way, accept for this area. I think Medical History is so important, as I don't want my child to have a higher possibility of huge medical issues. 
• Proven donor. Meaning not choosing a donor that doesn't have any reported pregnancies. 

One criteria that I decided not to decide by is education... This was a tough one, because of course I would love for my child to be educated and go to college and be a super genius. However, I don't think that education level really reflects that. There are geniuses that never stepped foot on a campus and are very successful. I went to college with some idiots that were book smart, but not life-smart. So, I decided to leave this one out for this donor choice. All I really want for my kids is for them to be happy and to be good people.

Adding Blood Type to Criteria 

After I narrowed the donors from that list, there were still too many to choose from! So, I added my blood type into the mix. Figured, it wouldn't hurt to choose my same blood type. This further narrowed my search down to 2 potential donors. Between the two of them, they fit almost all the criteria above. Listening to their audio interviews was nice and I'm leaning towards one over the other. Before deciding, I emailed ESB to ask if there are additional pictures of both donors.

After I received the extra photos, it didn't really make it easier to choose! I went with my gut though and chose the donor that appealed to me more. I smiled while listening to his audio interview and his pictures made me smile as well. He also seemed a little more genuine on his answers / responses in the essay.

The Purchase

I decided to go with purchasing 1 (one) vial of donor sperm. If cycle #5 doesn't work, I'll purchase another vial of Donor #2 next month. He has plenty of vials available, so I'm not worried he would get sold out between now and then. If for some reason he does, I'll just go with my second choice for Cycle #6. Total Cost: $815. Want to know how much I've spent total in the process? Click here.

Now, the precious vial of baby-making sperm is on its way to my RE's office.

Expected delivery: 9/10/15.  

Fingers crossed that the one sperm that can inseminate one of my eggs is in that vial. 

The Possibility of Diblings

Out of curiosity, I emailed the Sperm Bank that I originally purchased the Donor Sperm from. I was curious if there have been any reported pregnancies. He was a new donor at the time of purchase and I was a little concerned that maybe there weren't any pregnancies and maybe I should've gone with a proven donor.

I just received a response and they said that there were reported "pregnancies" from my Donor. Meaning, more than 1! I had conflicting feelings about this...

First reaction: that's great! He's now a proven donor! The swimmers must be good!

Then immediately after: If there were reported pregnancies, maybe the issue isn't the sperm, but maybe it's my egg quality? :(  My RE is convinced the timing was perfect for my first 2 IUI's.

Then a little after that: A bit of jealousy for those that did get pregnant with my Donor's swimmers! Hard to admit, but it's there.

On the SMC boards, there are some families that keep in contact with donor siblings AKA diblings. I never really thought past the part of *wanting* to get pregnant & the entire TTC process, so the possibility of diblings just wasn't top of mind. If I'm successful with this donor's sperm, I now know there will be diblings... Something to put in the back of my mind for now and reprocess when the time is right.

Then I started thinking I have 2 vials left of his sperm. After this month, I'll have 1 left. He has no more vials for sale. If worse comes to worse and I have to repurchase, I'll have to go with a new donor. I've been scoping out the other donors and have a few top of mind that I would love to go with.  But then there's other sperm banks that offer adult pictures (mine doesn't) and that's very tempting... Will cross that bridge if/when I have to.

Lots to think about.

IUI Cycle #2: Beta Test Result and Cycle #2 Postmortem

Went in for my blood work this morning (Beta test). I absolutely hate having my blood drawn. It was bitter because I know it's going to come back negative. Then to top that off, they couldn't find a vein in my left arm (my normal arm that is usually successful). So, I got stuck once there and she was "searching" around for the vein -- ouch!! Then, got stuck a second time in my right arm (usually not successful) -- that one worked. Ugh. Have I mentioned how much I hate needles :(

The Beta Results 

Received the call from my RE's clinic at 1:45pm. As expected, the Beta test came back negative. Although I knew to expect it, it still stings. It's hard to express in words how I feel. I'll try though...

In a way I feel defeated. I feel like I'll never see two lines on those stupid pregnancy tests! It feels like it will never happen. Like never - ever - happen. I know this was only my second try... and the IUI success rates go up with the third and forth try...  But knowing the stats doesn't make me feel better. I knew going into this that it might take a few tries. However, absolutely nothing can really prepare you for getting a NOT THIS TIME, YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT result.

It hurts. Each cycle there's so much hope, so much possibility for such a huge life changing event --> pregnancy. Creating life. Building my family. Then all the disappointment for this potential little person that could've been born in 9 months... all the hope squashed. Not this time. Not right now.

I think it hurts so bad in part because I really thought and believed that this cycle was going to work! I felt really good about it. Everything was perfect: nice follicle - good sperm count. There were days where I really believed "this is it!" that it was actually happening this time. The day of the IUI, I remember laying there with this certainty that this would be a successful cycle. I don't know where all that certainty came from, but obviously my instincts were wrong! Which also what sucks about the whole thing. You want to be positive and optimistic. Yet, you want to "prepare" for the worse. Really? How can you be positive and negative at the same time? Impossible. No "preparation" for a failed cycle helps you when you get the negative test.

Doubts 

Even though I've only had 2 cycles of IUI, I've been actively planning since November 2014 - half a year now. There has been so much I've put into TTC, love - hope - promise - time. It's almost like I've built this potential future in my head. With each failed cycle, the fear builds in my mind that this future -- the one with Baby C -- may never happen. It may never come to fruition. That thought scares me and I try not to say it out loud because I don't want to put that out there in the universe... But it lingers in the back of my mind that this dream, that this family I hope and pray so much for, may never become reality.

So, here I am at the end of Cycle #2 feeling miserable. I'll pull myself together and bring all that positivity back. But right now, I'm just letting myself feel the loss. Feel the loss of the dream of Cycle #2 being a success.

Plan A, B, maybe a C? 

TTC can be such a stressful thing because there is no guarantee at the end of all this that you'll get the baby you've dreamed about. The hardest part about being a Single Mother by Choice (SMC) is that in order to just GET here -- to start TTC and have a baby on my own -- I had to give up my other "dream" -- Plan A: getting married, having 2.5 kids, white picket fence, etc. I'm working on Plan B: pursuing being a SMC through donor sperm. Now, the thought of Plan B not working is terrifying... especially since it took me so long to let go of Plan A. I'm not giving up on TTC just yet or on Plan B... but the question lingers on the back of my head, "When should I stop trying?" Should I start mentally preparing for a Plan C?

Looking at the Positive 

Life off of progesterone is soooo good!!!! I stopped the progesterone on Sunday, so I've been off of it for two days now. I already have so much more energy! I'm more productive. I'm able to stay up past 8pm! I don't feel fatigued. My house kind of got in the "messy" state the last week of the TWW. I was just too tired to do anything. I was more productive the last two days than I was the last two weeks! Feels good to feel "normal" again. This is one reason I am not a proponent of drugs, even if prescribed. They just mess with you. However, I am aware that taking fertility drugs is my best chance of getting pregnant... so I'm stuck with it until I'm successful (or decide to move to Plan C - whatever that looks like).

My Light

Then there's the light. What is positive and wonderful about life... is that Little Guy has been extra sweet with me and cuddling with me. It's like he knew I needed that extra love and attention. Such a sweetheart. I am so blessed to have him in my life. I love him so much. The trial on his case is tomorrow -- which is another stress factor. But hopefully it'll go well and it won't be a stress factor anymore and will instead be the next step in moving towards adoption.

Luckily we have our vacation to Hawaii to look forward to! A week with just Little Guy and me. It's going to be wonderful. On the bright side of things -- at least I can drink while I'm in Hawaii!

Moving onto the next TTC hope... Cycle #3 in July. Let's hope for Lucky #3!

Next steps in TTC:

1. I scheduled a consult with my RE to talk about the medication protocol. Also to ask about IVF... not that I'm going to be moving to IVF now... but I want to find out if they'll even treat me (with my BMI) - in case I need to look elsewhere or need to put TTC on hold (if I have 6 failed IUI's). Scheduled for 6/15/15 @ 3pm. 
2. Take June off due to travel schedule -- Hawaii and California! 
3. Start back up in July for IUI Cycle #3.

IUI Cycle #2: TWW Confessions - Week #2 & POAS-Test-A-Thon

The final stretch of the TWO WEEK WAIT and the POAS-test-a-thon. 

The funny thing about the TWW... Week #1, there's all this optimism.

• "This is It!" 
• "This can happen!" 
• "I think it's happening right now!" 
• Imagining the BFP on that HPT (home pregnancy test) 

Week #2 of the TWW is a little more subdued and the doubts start sneaking in. Here are my ruminations and confessions for week numero dos of the TWW.


8dpIUI (5/19)

Some new symptoms (to add to the list): some cramping, a little dizziness, & I'm running "colder" than normal -- then will get really hot, all in spurts. I also have some sensitivity in my BB's (sorry if that's TMI! Just tracking! LOL). 

POAS-A-Thon: When doing fertility drugs it gets complicated testing early for a pregnancy test. They tell you NOT to test early. "It's only a few more days till Beta." Yeah... let me tell you, during the TWW those "few more days" feel like an eternity just waiting to know!

Yesterday, I started testing out my Pregnyl HCG Trigger Shot using the Wondfo pregnancy tests. I'm going to stick with the same brand, as different brands have different HCG sensitivities (learned that during Cycle#1 TWW!).

The theory is, test with FMU (first morning urine) until I get a "negative" test. Right now, I should test positive because the HCG Trigger puts the pregnancy hormone into my body. The "positive" line should fade every day. Once it is completed faded -- the HCG Trigger is out of my system. IF the positive line starts getting DARKER, then it *can* be a "true positive" test.

Let the Testing Trigger POAS (pee on a stick) Days commence! Last cycle, the line went away after CD 11. Today, the line was fainter than it was yesterday - could barely see it. I looked up the HCG "sensitivity" of the Wondfo and it's at 25. So, at least I know the Trigger shot HCG levels are decreasing. Maybe it'll be totally gone tomorrow?

9dpIUI (5/20) 

No new symptoms to add to the list (Thank Goodness!). Can I get any more side effects to progesterone... sheesh.

Secret Thoughts: I'm starting to have doubts this cycle worked. Like REAL doubts. I'm starting to think that I only have 2 vials left of my sperm donor... I originally was hoping to be successful early, so that I can save the vials for a sibling down the road (or at least have an option for it). My donor is sold out... I checked. So, there's no guarantee that if I'm successful that I'll have enough vials left to try for a sibling.

I know, worried about having a second - when I'm still working on TTC my first... but it is something I was really interested in doing, or at least have the option of doing. I suppose I could always use a new donor for a sibling... it's just not ideal.

Then I keep thinking that if I have 4 failed cycles, I'll have to spend another couple grand on a new donor. <sigh> I already have my second choice lined up... but I might look around more and maybe go through a different sperm bank to have more options. Will cross that road when it comes to that.

Anyways. The doubts are bouncing around my head like a ping pong. :(

POAS-A-Thon: Line is VERY light today. Barely there, had to really look for it. Looks more like a shadow at this juncture, which is good!

10dpIUI (5/21) 

Today I started getting small pangs in my right ovary area? A little bit like AF cramping. Is AF coming? She's not due for another week...

Today is the absolute worse day thus far of the TWW...! I am so tempted to test on a FRER... so, so tempted!! I was going to go out and buy some more yesterday... But I'm scared I'll get this silly picture if I did! The one-line monster. It's so weird how all your hopes/dreams can be dashed by seeing only the control line on a HPT.

Secret Thoughts: Still thinking that this cycle is a bust :(  Trying not to put it out there in the universe, but it's circling around in my brain that my next cycle won't be until July!! Feels like forever away. I have to skip June because of my travel schedule. I try to self talk and say "I am pregnant" -- but that's hard to swallow because there's a strong likelihood that I'm not. Only a 20% chance it worked, making 80% chance it didn't work. <sigh> TTC woes.

POAS-A-Thon: Today my Wonfo was defective. There was a strong/pink line in the wrong place. Luckily I've read about the Wondfo already and knew that there was a possibility some could be defective. This one obviously was. I am pretty sure my trigger shot is gone by now though. That's a good thing.

11dpIUI (5/22) 

POAS-A-Thon: I tested on a FRER today...!! I know, I should have waited for tomorrow, but I couldn't help myself! POAS-a-holic here! No self control. Seriously. It was negative. Like stark white - no squinter. So, I'm thinking I'm out this cycle and that I'm not pregnant... I have to admit, I cried pretty hard. I thought I could handle it, that I prepared myself for a negative. But "knowing" it didn't work hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't even think my first IUI Cycle I cried this hard or felt this disappointed. I guess I really thought this one would work....

This journey is hard. The disappointment of a negative test are the worse. At this point, I can't even imagine seeing two lines on a HPT! It's like this mythical thing that will never happen. <sigh> I'll test again tomorrow, just to be sure. I'm back and forth on how to stay positive through all of this. For one, you want to be positive that it "can" happen. But then you don't want to set yourself up for a big fall, right? Where's the happy median?


12dpIUI (5/23) 

POAS-A-Thon: Another BFN when testing this morning, pretty sure I'm out this month. Ugh. Going to schedule an appointment with my RE to discuss my protocol and see if we can get more aggressive, maybe start using injectables or switch to Femera (instead of Clomid)? Will see. It's more upsetting that I have to skip June! Delaying things even further... So disappointed.

13dpIUI (5/24)

POAS-A-Thon: still BFN. Getting AF cramps like last time. Stopped the progesterone today.

14dpIUI (5/25) 

The end of the dreaded TWW is over. Beta test is tomorrow to confirm that I'm not pregnant. It would be nice to end the TWW with a POSITIVE pregnancy test! Alas, it's not this time... Cycle #2 was a bust. 43.2 million sperm couldn't do the job or my egg was not good quality... No way to know for sure.

POAS-A-Thon: still BFN. Guess it's official...

I wish I could live by this quote! <sigh>

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, 

for he shall never be disappointed." 

-Alexander Pope

IUI Cycle #2: 21mm Follicle+43,200,000 Motile Sperm=Time to Make a Baby!!!

I wasn't sure how I would "feel" going into the IUI today.  I was worried for a little bit that I would be so disheartened and bitter that I wouldn't feel the excitement about the "potential for life" that could happen today. Glad to say that that isn't the case! I have this strange calm about the whole process... however, I'm also super excited! Like this giddiness of anticipation. 


It's interesting how this TTC things works. The TWW from IUI Cycle #1 felt like FOREVER. Even just waiting to get to CD #1 felt like FOREVER. This time, Cycle #2, things seemed to be moving quicker.  All of a sudden: It's Insemination Day!

Prepping for My IUI 

IUI day is a little funny and interesting. I contemplate things like "what should I wear?" I know it doesn't matter in the long scheme of things, but I still think about it. It almost feels like I'm going on a date or something:

1. Make sure all grooming is done - people with lights are going to be down there! No, really - there will be lights shining on my "who-ha" so they can see my cervix. I think that might be one of the worse parts of the entire IUI process. 
2. Make sure my hair is cute! Haha. I know this one is really arbitrary, but if I'm already "grooming" - doing my hair next just makes sense naturally. 
3. Wear cute undergarments, who knows who's going to see them?! There are nurses and doctors and staff all around that teeny tiny room! 
4. Wear light make-up. No rhyme or reason, just that I'm "going out" so putting on my face first makes sense. Plus, I take pictures while I'm there to track the journey, want to look decent. 
5. Wear cute, but easily removable clothes - I usually go with a skirt outfit. Today I'm wearing a maxi skirt. 

Does all this help with insemination? Of course not! But it makes me feel better going through the process if I feel my best :) Plus, this *could* possible be the day that leads to the big biggie -- having Baby C. So, why not? Doesn't take much more effort than normal. PLUS, it helps me focus on things I can control and not on the things I can't control --- like the sperm meeting the egg...!

I've also contemplated saying something funny to the RE. Some of my friends recommend, "Was it as good for you as it was for me?" or "That was fast." Silly things. I'm too shy to make any comments like that though! I was thinking it might lighten the moment, but I think I'll be too nervous to think of anything funny right after. It would be nice if my RE said something reassuring. But he's in and out and done so quick. No time for cuteness, I suppose. Plus, there are usually female nurses in the room -- wouldn't that be awkward to say something so silly to the Doctor with them there! LOL.

IUI Time! 

I overestimated my driving time! Thought I'd run into more traffic than I did. I got there an hour early!!! I ended up driving around for a little while then going in 30 minutes early. They set me up in the lobby to watch some TV, gave me the remote to control the channel and all. Then, they said they were going to take me in early.

I go back into the teeny tiny room and am told to "get ready" again (remove clothes from waist down). I didn't do the insemisocks this time around. They are so quick at my clinic that last time I was in such a rush to put them on! So, decided to skip it this time. I did put my rosary on for good luck though :)

I then signed the sperm analysis report. 43,200,000 Motile Sperm!!! With 64% Motility!! GREAT NUMBERS!! I was very happy to hear that. I was able to get a copy and keep the vial the sperm came in as well.

I didn't realize I was so nervous... But when I put my feet in the stirrups -- my leg was shaking so bad, the entire table was moving!!! OMG, that was a bit embarrassing. I said, "Oh sorry, I'm nervous." I took a few deep breaths and he inserted the speculum... It didn't hurt last time - it hurt this time! Probably because I was so nervous. He then inserted the catheter and I felt a tiny tickle as it went through my cervix, then in went Monroe's Swimmers, all 43.2 million!!!! SWIM - SWIM - SWIM!!! Here's a picture of the catheter with the sperm in it already!!!


My clinic asks us to lay down for 10 minutes. I took 15 minutes, figured 5 minutes extra might help. I tried a new visualization process where I visualized the sperm swimming and meeting my egg and inseminating it. Then "Don't Stop Believing" came on the radio (they play music at my RE's office). I sang along and thought it was a good appropriate song for the occasion :) I prayed and prayed to God. Then I was out of there.

No tears this time!!! It really was "different" this time in a way, probably because I knew what to expect from the entire process.

How do I feel? 

I feel good about this cycle! I'm hoping magic is happening in my Uterus right now and that this is all going to work out. I know the odds aren't in my favor, but I feel good anyways! My Baby C will come when the timing is right and that *may* be this time!!! I am currently optimistic! 

Physically, I am feeling a little "full" right now and I am cramping a little bit, but it's not too bad. 

Next Steps: 

1. The dreaded TWO WEEK WAIT!!!! I've decided that I'm going to "test out" my trigger this time. I bought a bunch of cheap tests from Wondfo off of Amazon. Since the trigger shot seemed to stay in my system for a long time (11-12 days), I want to make sure I don't get excited when I inevitably decide to test early. Because let's face it -- I had absolutely NO self control last time!! I'm not going to pretend I'll be able to hold off until my Beta test. 
2. I begin the Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories tomorrow. Oh joy :(  
3. Beta Test is scheduled for Tuesday 5/26 @ 7:45 am. The clinic is closed on Memorial Day (5/25) - so I have to wait an extra day. The torture...! 

Dear Baby C, Hoping and praying for you! <3 

"The longer you wait for something, the more you'll appreciate it when you get it. Because anything worth having is definitely worth waiting for." ~Anonymous 

IUI Cycle #1: 14dpIUI --> Beta Test Results & Donor Sperm Analysis

It was strange waking up today. I think I've let it settle in that this cycle did not work and I am not pregnant. Although I'm 99.99% sure that I'm not pregnant, I still had to go in for my Beta test (blood work to confirm if I'm pregnant). The cost I paid for the IUI with my RE's office included the first Beta test.

I stopped the progesterone yesterday. I did not POAS (pee on a stick) this morning and it was fairly liberating. I don't know why it felt that way, but it did! I really am "moving on" already and thinking about IUI Cycle #2 and adjusting my mind-frame.

• Should I ask my RE to change my med protocol? 
• Should I do anything different from IUI Cycle #1 to help with fertility? 
• What type of adjustments can I make to "up the odds"? 

It was fairly strange getting my blood drawn. Almost bitter sweet. They said I would be contacted within a few hours with the results. Although I'm totally prepared for the call and for them to say "The test came back negative" -- I swear I was still on pins and needles while I was waiting. The final portion of the Two Week Wait will come to an end shortly. <sigh> 

So, I didn't cry last night or today. Just felt like I have "accepted" that it'll be a negative today. Then I receive a text from my friend and I started crying like a baby!!

"Good luck today on your Beta. Just remember, if it didn't happen this month. It means it wasn't your baby's time. And if it did happen this month, hang on, your world is about to be rocked! Hang in there, love you and thinking of you." 

It was exactly what I needed to hear and it just opened up the flood gates. I guess trying to be "strong" and "move on" is sometimes not what we need at times. It's ok to grieve over the loss of this cycle. It was emotionally draining. This whole process of TTC through IUI is an odds game. I hate gambling or playing odds since there's little control over it. They explain it like a "bell curve" within 6 IUI tries, best odds are in 3-4 tries. Thinking about it in a positive note, I am moving up the bell curve and increasing my odds.

Donor Sperm Analysis

I also received the sperm analysis that I requested when I had my IUI on 4/13: 

• Sperm Count: 18.4 million. >=16 million is good. 
• Motility (ability of the sperm to swim) was at 46%, it should be over 50% - hmmm. 

I sent an email to the sperm bank to ask them if they guarantee motility rates in the normal range (>=50%). Let's see what they say. If the donor has poor swimmers, that can't be good! 

BETA Results

I finally received the call at 12:45pm and the results are confirmed: negative. I swear, even though I knew that was what I was going to hear -- my heart still started fluttering with anticipation and hope that I would get the opposite result. Now, to wait for AF to arrive.

I still need to process my feelings, but perhaps I will save that for another entry when it really starts to sink in.

Baby C, still praying for you!

IUI Cycle #1: CD15 - Let's Make a Baby - Insemination Day!!!! "May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor."

Yesterday was a rough day after having to do the trigger so early! I couldn't go back to sleep after the trigger - I had so much energy. Then felt like "crashing" by afternoon! Plus I had two sick toddlers - coughing, sneezing, runny noses. I also started feeling a bit under the weather, sore throat and stuffy nose! I couldn't sleep at all last night! :(  I didn't want to take cold/allergy medicine worried it would somehow impact my IUI... Ugh. 

Nevertheless, I was highly unproductive. Read that some of the side effects of Pregnyl include being tired.

Alas, the day finally arrived for my first IUI!! All this waiting - and here we are - Baby Making Day! :) 

The IUI was at another office that's about an hour from my house. That's where they were keeping Monroe's Swimmers. I worked a half-day today & was able to have lunch with a friend prior to the procedure.

As it turns out, I had a pretty busy day - including having a presentation at my home in the evening (post IUI). Which was weird since I had such a momentous thing happen with the IUI and then I had to give an hour presentation on Mental Flexibility. Such odd timing, I had this presentation scheduled pre-IUI day being scheduled. At least it kept my mind off of it a bit! I was a little worried that I was standing for so long...

I arrived at the clinic early and really needed to use the restroom. When I asked, they didn't want me to use the bathroom. Why? I guess they like it when your bladder is "full" for your IUI. Which, I wasn't told prior...! But I REALLY had to go - like I'm not going to be able to hold it type of go. So, they said "OK, but don't let it all out." Well, you know once you start going to the bathroom - it's hard not to keep going! But I tried my best.

I got taken into the room a little early and was told to "get ready". Then they came in the room to have me verify the sperm information and to sign some form (that I probably should've read fully!). Then I was to lay down and "get into the position". The RE inserted the spectrum and then I felt like a "tickle" in my cervix and then it was done. Just like that done. RE then said, "We're done." I was like, "really?!" I was so shocked - didn't last more than 2 minutes maybe?

After that, I was told to lay there with my hips elevated for 10 minutes. I have to admit, I cried! It was a little overwhelming. This natural thing to want to have a baby and then to be going through this process, it feels so un-natural... I don't know. Then the fact that sperm from a total stranger were swimming around in my uterus made me think this is so odd. But really, what other options do I have to try to have my own baby?

So, I cried. Cried because it was so weird. Cried because it was so "procedural". Cried because I want to have this baby so bad. Cried because the odds are so low. Cried because of the possibility that this "could be it".

Then a song came on (they play music at my RE's office) - one that reminded me of High School & I started to sing along (badly) and it made me laugh. When the timer went off, I said a little prayer to God and got dressed.

I then asked the nurse if I can have the vial the sperm came in, since I spent so much money on it and I've never even seen it! Then, I asked for the full sperm analysis - out of curiosity more than anything. Turns out I had to sign a medical waiver to get it! Interesting. So, I should get it when I go in for my BETA Test (AKA pregnancy test). My BETA test will be on April 27th... Which is my brother's birthday, so I'm hoping that's good news and I'll get a positive BETA test! Not much more I can do at the moment but WAIT... the dreaded Two Week Wait (TWW).

Monroe's Sperm Analysis: Sperm Count (anything >10 million is good): 18 million. Can you believe that 18 million sperm fit in that little vial???!!!

My Lucky "FIGHT ON!" Insemisocks. Let's sing a little "Conquest" for Monroe's swimmers. One of the 18 million swimmers has to make it to one of my eggs. 

I also had my rosary with me :)

Monroe arrived TODAY!

Received confirmation from FedEx that Monroe's little swimmers arrived at the fertility clinic. Also, received a call from the clinic confirming that all 4 vials arrived. YAY!

Where oh where did the little sperm go...?

I had a mini-freak out. The Donor Sperm was scheduled to be delivered on 2/18/15. I received the shipping information on Monday, 2/16/15 and decided to check the tracking on 2/18. Well... it said "No estimated delivery date available at this time." 

Really? OMG. I was just thinking about all the waivers I signed when I purchased the sperm and whether or not I would have any recourse if the sperm did not make it to the clinic - got lost or something.  Not a good thought when I spent over $1400 on Donor Sperm...!

I emailed the clinic and they checked the shipment. Turns out the shipping was delayed due to weather conditions and will be delayed for 2-4 days.

Next thought: How long is the shipment tank good for?

Answer from the clinic: The tank can keep sperm frozen for up to two weeks.

So we *should* be ok, as long as it gets delivered next week. Checked today and there is still not an ETA on the shipment.

Thank goodness I ordered in advance and didn't have a procedure scheduled or I would've been screwed.

Also, Donor Monroe is now sold out. I knew he would sell out within a few weeks. Glad I purchased when I did - just maybe I should've shipped earlier or later... Ugh.

Now to ask the Shipping Gods to PLEASE deliver the sperm safely to my clinic within the two-week period so that the precious little swimmers don't go bad... :(

Donor Sperm Purchased!

That was a weird experience... purchasing Donor Sperm. I actually BOUGHT sperm. Very strange. I feel oddly committed to my Donor Sperm persona - Monroe. As mentioned in a previous post, he was the "Donor of the Month" at the Sperm Bank I chose. They offer a deal, Buy 1 Vial - get 1 Vial Free. I bought 2 vials, so I'm getting 4.

The sperm is purchased. It's getting shipped directly to my Fertility Clinic. I signed waivers. Still need to sign the "Specimen Storage Agreement" for my Fertility Clinic, which I can do next week when I go into surgery. 

It all feels so odd. I can't explain it. I ultimately just chose the sperm that will help me get pregnant (here's to hoping!!). It only costs me about $1400. LOL. My goodness Sperm is such a commodity. Necessary in my case being a Single Mother and all. 

I'm really hoping that I can get pregnant in the first try - then I can "save" the other vials for a sibling a year or two after Baby C is born. 

My Baby C... Praying I ordered the right sperm to help you become a reality. :) 

Found a donor?

The Seattle Sperm Bank has a "Donor of the Month" where you can get a GREAT deal, buy 1 vial - get 1 vial free. The donor of the month they have right now is pretty amazing: 

• He's over 6 feet tall 
• He has his JD 
• He has blue eyes 
• Athletic 
• Family Medical history is AMAZING - hardly anything listed. 
• He's an open donor. 
• His interview sounded nice. 
• He has 2 daughters already. 

He's a relatively new donor, so no reported pregnancies from the sperm bank. But if he has 2 daughters already, it must be good then? 

There's another profile that I kept going back to because I was in love with the childhood picture. But he has a lot of blemishes in his family medical history, including diabetes - which I'm trying to stay away from. 

I'm going to sit on this for a few days... But I think I'm going to go with this donor! What I'm thinking: Buy 2 vials and get 4, but only ship 2. That way, if I get pregnant in the first two IUI cycles, I can either keep the vials for future sibling tries or "return" them. Seattle Sperm Bank has a great "buy back" policy if the vials aren't shipped. 

Oh my... this is about to get REAL when I purchase the vials...! I need to keep an eye out so he doesn't sell out. 

So crazy, but hopefully it really is just as easy as this. Hoping he has the magic swimmers to get a BFP (big fat positive) on the first few tries...! 

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe: Choosing a Sperm Donor

As I search for a sperm donor through an online catalog, I have to think to myself: What REALLY matters in picking a sperm donor? 

There are a few search criteria where you can narrow down your donor: Race/Ethnicity, Eye Color,  Hair Color, Height, Weight, Unit Type Available (IUI/ICI), Quantity Available, Blood Group, Rh Factor, CMV Status, and Jewish Ancestry.

Some of this makes sense: Units available, type of units available, CMV Status.

Some of it, I am asking myself:

• Why is Blood Group and Rh Factor in there? Should I be trying to match my Blood type?
• I'm not Jewish. Do I mind if my donor is? 
• Do I really care about Race/Ethnicity? I'm a mixed race. Should I choose one race over another? 

Does eye color REALLY matter? I have brown eyes. My dad has green/blue eyes. I would love for my child to have light colored eyes. But does it REALLY matter if they do? Not really... But will I limit the search on the eye color....?? Same goes with height and weight.

Within each profile you get more info: Education/Occupation, brief overview, audio interview, baby photo, extended profile, Keirsey Test, and staff impressions.

It's not like this is online dating, but it kind of feels like it is! How DO you narrow down the possibilities? Do I base it on: I like his voice? I like his background? Medical background? 

Other things to ponder: I've been looking at the baby pictures of the donors and I'm not sure if I want to go with a donor that has similar features as I have, so the baby can look "more like me" or if I go with someone that I would potentially like to date. Tall, handsome, blue eyes, and brown hair. 

<sigh> The choices are endless. But that's the thing. I have to make a choice. I have to decide which one of these criteria really matter to me. Also, the impact on my child by choosing a donor. 

Instead of focusing on all these endless questions. Here is the Game Plan: 

FIRST ROUND: 

1. Someone that is "easy on the eyes". Aesthetically pleasing ;-) Why not? :) Which, if you really want to know, this is a hard call. All the pictures available are of babies. MOST babies are cute and so adorable!! So, not that "easy" to really choose by this factor. 
2. Someone taller than 5'9. I'm 5'6 and if I have a baby boy, want him to have the option of having some height on him. 
3. Going with lighter eye color, blue/green - just to up the odds that my baby will have light colored eyes. 
4. Has to have IUI vials available and have at least 5 available for purchase. 

SECOND ROUND: 

These are the TOP TWO things I'm looking at, but are not in the initial search criteria. Have to read through the profiles to get the info: 

1. I want an Open Donor (not in search criteria - have to read in the profiles) - willing to be contacted when my child turns 18. 
2. Medical History (not in search criteria - have to read in the profiles)- no family history of Diabetes or major diseases. I have diabetes and I want to give my child the chance to NOT have it. 

THIRD ROUND: 

1. In voice interview, someone that sounds "nice". NOTE: Not everyone sounds nice and authentic! Some of them sound cocky. LOL. I am also in Toastmasters, so someone that doesn't have a lot of "um's" or "ah's". Haha, J/K - kind of... ;) 
2. If still unable to narrow it down: read through staff impressions and the Keirsey Test. 
3. Finally, email the sperm bank and find out if there are already any reported pregnancies and the number of siblings reported. 

FOURTH ROUND: 

1. Once I have all the info and I STILL can't make a decision, I'll ask my trust worthy friends to get their opinions :) 

That's the Game Plan! Wish me luck!!! Going to really focus on choosing by mid-February. 

CMV Negative

Revived my blood results back for my CMV status. I am CMV positive, meaning I can choose any sperm donor -- positive or negative. 

What is CMV? Cytomegalovirus, or CMV as it is more commonly known, is a member of the herpes virus family which includes cold sores, chicken pox and infectious mononucleosis. In healthy adults, infection with one of these viruses is characterized by an acute phase followed by an immune response. These viruses are not completely eliminated from the body but are confined in low numbers within certain cells for the lifetime of the individual. This person is healthy, has no evidence of disease and will not ordinarily transmit the virus to another person. If there is a suppression of the immune system, the virus may reactivate, shed viral particles and cause disease..