Little Miss Has Left

Little Miss left today. It took over 3 weeks for the judge to sign the CPC (Change of Physical Custody) for Little Miss to be sent back home. But it finally happened. The Client Manager really pushed it through at the end with the possibility of a disruption hanging out in the air...

I have to admit, I was very anxious for her to go home. I just wasn't sure if I would be able to continue fostering her if the CPC wasn't signed. I'm grateful that it was signed and that she was able to be reunified with her birth family.

I sent a bunch of her stuff with her (clothes, toys, shoes, blankets, etc).  Sent "Transition" Information such as all medical specialists seen, normal routine, shot records, medical card, toys, blankets, clothes, shoes, and life book. When I received her Life Book, we read it together. I was happy to be able to put together a complete Life Book for the time that she was with me. She really did grow a lot from day 1 until today. She also really enjoyed reading a book all about her. The title was "All About Me."

I have to be completely honest about things, since that is what I'm trying to do on this blog - is be completely honest about my feelings, even the hard stuff. And this is extremely difficult for me to admit.

Every foster child that has left - every single one - I have cried for them... I was their mother for a short period of time and having them leave was difficult.

Yet, with Little Miss, there were no tears. Absolutely none. Instead, I felt like there was this huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and that I can finally breathe a sigh of relief... I feel bad for not shedding a tear. I especially thought I would be emotional because I've started back up on the Clomid! But nope, there was only a feeling of relief. All of the anxiety and stress from the last few months -- is gone. All of it. It's so strange and something I didn't expect.

The only thing I can sum it up to is, it was not a good fit. I did what I could for her, she progressed really well while she lived with me, she came a long way. It just wouldn't have worked in the long-run.

I'll have to reflect on this after she's been gone for a while, when I have more perspective.

4 Years as a Single Foster Parent

Today is my 4 year anniversary of becoming a parent. A single foster parent. At the time, I didn't know any other single foster parents or other foster parents in general. I also had no clue what to expect when I received my first placement.

First Foster Kids 

I still remember receiving the call for a 2 day old baby girl and her 4 year old sister. I had absolutely NO baby items! My age range was from 0-10 at the time and had no clue what age I would be receiving, so didn't accumulate many items. I was mostly prepared for a school-aged kid, as they told me the odds of getting a Newborn were slim.

I said "yes" to the placement inquiry. That decision, that "YES", changed my life. I received a call back right away from CPS and they said that they would be at my house in an hour. I called a friend to ask what I needed for a newborn and ran to Target to buy baby items! Bought a Pack-N-Play and a travel system with car seat. That's all I had for this new baby girl. Then drove home to wait for them to arrive.

I still remember the moment they placed the 2 day old in my arms. I still remember how the 4 year old was extremely talkative and all over the place! I still remember how the CPS worker looked at me with sympathy and said, "Good luck." I didn't know what she meant at the time... but now I know! She knew I was a first time foster parent and she knew my 4 year old would be handful. You see, I was originally worried about the newborn -- not the 4 year old! I was WRONG! I really should've worried about the 4 year old.

I will never forget the day the girls arrived because it's the first day I became an "instant mother!" And what a rollercoaster that first year was... I thought MAPP class would prepare me, but it didn't. Parenting traumatized children is completely different than parenting birth children. My 4 year old was extremely difficult. She would later be diagnosed with ADHD prior to her leaving my home. I had fought to try to get a diagnosis or at least get evaluated, since the first month she was with me. But it took them 10 months to finally get it done. If I knew her ADHD diagnosis in the beginning, I could have customized my parenting better.

I lost friends over fostering. A lot of people have their "opinions" over how to parent children and think that foster kids just need "love" and "affection" to make everything OK. But the thing is, they don't really understand the challenges, the behaviors, the reality, etc. No explaining, no explanations, can really make another person "get it" if they're opinions are set in stone.

It took me a long time to finally understand and come to peace that some people will just not understand and will never "get it". I'm grateful that I have a wonderful support system in other foster parents, other single foster parents (especially), and friends (that have never fostered) who are 100% supportive.

The Girls Leaving 

I still remember when my first foster girls left... I dropped them off at daycare, CPS Case Manager emailed and told me she was picking them up for an overnight visit that day, then the next day she told me that they were reunified and would not be coming back. I never got to say Goodbye... I was devastated. They didn't even get to bring their stuff with them.

There's a lot of other craziness that went on with their case. We had a horrible Case Manager who made horrible choices and was just plain mean.

I remember crying for a week straight from missing the girls. From not being able to say goodbye. From not being able to send their belongings with them. For not being able to complete their Life Books. From having no closure. It still hurts thinking about it today... I couldn't even go into their rooms, it was just too hard. At the time, I had just finished a load of their laundry. Taking the load out of the dryer was heartbreaking. I had them for a year... and I couldn't even give them a kiss and hug goodbye.

It took me a year to fully grieve the loss of the girls.

The hardest part besides not saying goodbye is never getting updates or knowing if they're OK.

After this experience, I almost stopped fostering. I didn't know if I could do it. I didn't know it would hurt that much. I didn't know that CPS can walk all over foster parents and treat them so badly. All things I didn't know because I was new. I was hopeful. I was optimistic.

Even with this horrible experience, I trudged on and refused to let this one experience stop me from my dream of helping other children.

My Other Foster Kids

I continued to foster and I had more difficult placements. But at least I knew the ropes at this point. I knew how to navigate CPS, how to advocate for services, how to fight for my kid's more effectively, how to use different parenting techniques and customize to each child. I had more difficult placements. I had more heartbreak. I had my "burn out" times. Maybe one day I'll have the time to write about all of them. Like, my "Little Hero" - my 4 month old that was medically fragile - who just won me over so completely and who I miss dearly.

It hasn't been an easy journey, but it's all led me to this point -- adopting my Little Guy! If just one thing was changed, I probably wouldn't have even met him, let alone be his soon-to-be Forever Mommy. For that, I wouldn't change a thing because it's gotten me here. I feel like I was meant to be his Mommy. The thought of being able to watch him grow up fills me with so much joy and love, I can't even express how wonderful it feels in my heart. It's still hard for me to believe that it's real. Maybe once the adoption decree is signed by the Judge, that it'll feel real.

Closing My License 

Little Miss should be leaving soon...Little Guy should be adopted by year end... and *hopefully* I'll be successful at TTC.

So, after Little Miss leaves -- I will be on another "Break" from fostering more children. Let's see if I can hold out for long... it's hard knowing there are kids out there that need foster homes and knowing I have room in my home. But I have to do what is best for my family.

I've decided that I'm going to either close my license for good or put it on permanent hold. I will not be taking a new foster placement until my TTC journey has some resolution to it. I want to focus on building my Forever Family C with Little Guy.

What a crazy 4 years it has been being a single foster mom! I'm looking forward to being a Forever Mom and maybe even a birth mother :) Doing it Single Style.

A Rough Week with Little Miss & Update

After returning from the Road Trip, Little Miss's behavior did not subside by much. It was a tough-tough week with many tantrums, outbursts, etc.

It's been tough on me and on Little Guy... I don't like how it's impacting him. Every time she starts on one of her episodes, Little Guy will tell her "No-No" and "Stop It". I don't want him to be around that type of behavior for a few reasons: I don't want him to get used to violence / screaming and I don't want him to pick up on any of that bad behavior.

Out of all my foster children, I think Little Miss has been the most difficult. When she is having one of her rages, there's no calming her down - there's no negotiating - there's no way out of it - there's no redirection method that works. Her episodes last for an hour at a time. An hour - no joke, I'm not exaggerating. Once the hour is up, she usually will come around.

It's exhausting.

Tantrums like this just make the household feel like a war zone, there's no peacefulness. It doesn't matter where you are in the house, her screams are so loud and ear piercing, there's no where you can escape the sound. I wish I was exaggerating... one of my neighbors heard her across the street and texted me asking me about it. <sigh>

I put her in respite over the weekend and it was a much needed break for both Little Guy and me. She had a visit with her birth family on Sunday and came back with a full-on tantrum. The Parent Aide (who supervises the visits) dropped her off and left as quickly as she could! Like, thanks.

Had a visit from the Case Manager last night. They are not sure when the CPC (Change of Physical Custody) will be signed. This is required to be signed prior to them moving her. Originally I was told she would leave the week of 6/29... now, it's looking like longer than that. Maybe 2-3 more weeks, possibly? Case Manager said she would try to push it through.

I don't think I can keep her for that much longer, but don't want to disrupt so close to the CPC...  I just don't think I can handle the tantrums and all the household disruptions anymore. Which is extremely hard to admit... I'm just so tired of it and my patience is wire thin. I am looking into options for "respite" for long periods of time. The Case Manager agreed with it and was OK with that. It's better than a disruption to another foster home that would only last a few weeks.

Will see how it goes, have a meeting with my agency this week and am going to talk through it. In the mean time, Little Miss will be in respite a few times this week and then again over the weekend.

I finished Little Miss's Life Book over the weekend and getting it printed, should arrive this week. The Life Book turned out pretty good and highlights the time that she has lived with me.

Road Trip Last Thoughts

I really enjoyed going to Disneyland and Disney California Adventure! It's been a long time since I've really gone to the parks to explore. I grew up in Southern California and used to go to the parks all the time. I think it's been at least 5 years since I've went to the parks for more than just a few hours at a time. It was really fun going and seeing things from my adult eyes and seeing Little Guy experience it for the first time.

I had a good time seeing my God Daughter and being there for her graduation.

Packing: I didn't over pack! I packed just about enough clothes. I did bring a little bit too much snack items though. 

Driving: The drives went well! The TV's worked out perfectly. The kids had enough distractions to keep them occupied. We didn't have to stop more than I wanted to. 

The Parks: I think we got to see and explore the parks enough. Although, another day at Disneyland would have been nice (but may be too tiring). 

The Beach: The beach was nice and relaxing! This was a good thing to do with small kids. 

Character Breakfast: Glad we did the Character breakfast! But won't be doing PCH Grill again.

Hotel: The hotel was in the perfect spot. I loved the location and the walking distance to the parks. The extra $$ was worth it, IMHO. Especially when you have little kids. If I didn't have little kids,  I probably would've opted to take the shuttle at a hotel further away. But with kids, the convenience and the ease of going back to the hotel for nap time - was totally worth it.  

Toddlers: Little Guy is a great traveler! He adjusts really well and didn't have any meltdowns (that weren't age-appropriate). He loves to explore and preferred to walk and go where he wanted to go (which caused some issues when he had to ride in the stroller). 

Little Miss... this trip was too much for her. No matter what precautions were taken, it didn't help subside her complete and utter meltdowns. 

As a foster parent, I can see that she was over stimulated. But also as a foster parent, I travel a lot... and I've always included my foster kids in my travels. I've never had a foster child react like this before. Yes, there were breakdowns by other kids, but not to this extreme. It was overwhelming and frustrating. 

They tell you in MAPP training to not judge the behaviors, to think about what has led to the behaviors. Yes, I know - she was over stimulated. Should I have left her at home in respite? After leaving her in respite for a week while we were in Hawaii (I booked that trip prior to Little Miss moving in with me)? It's a hard thing being a foster parent sometimes and dealing with these extreme behaviors... especially when you're on vacation and spending a lot of money! I wanted to include her, do something nice for her before she left... 

Hindsight is 20/20. I should have just left her in respite. But there's no way for me to have predicted the extremity of her meltdowns. It was so bad, I've never seen her like this for the time that she's lived with me. I'm going to put her in respite this weekend, because I seriously need a break from her right now. It was so exhausting. After she leaves, I'm not going to be taking any more foster kiddos -- I need a break! 

Overall, it was a good and fun trip. Lots going on, but I think the pre-work helped with some of the potential pit-falls of going to a theme park.

Sweet Part of the Trip: Seeing Little Guy enjoy himself and have fun. 

Sour Part of the Trip: Little Miss's Tantrum Parties.

A month off of TTC + IUI Cycle #3 Game Plan

A Month Off 

For the last few months it felt like forever just to get started with Cycle #1. The pre-tests, the pre-consultations, the surgery, buying sperm.  I prepared myself to just TRY. There are no guarantees it'll work. Yet, there's all this hope. If I were being honest, I never thought that it wouldn't work! I thought I'd be one of the lucky ones and get pregnant within the first few tries.

Cycle #1 happened. Not pregnant.

Cycle #2 happened. Not pregnant.

All that waiting to just try and then bam - cycle #1 and cycle #2 felt like a whirlwind, went by so fast (accept the TWW of course!). It can be an all consuming thing, trying to get pregnant. Just trying and hoping. Spending all this $ on something that is not guaranteed.

During and after Cycle #2, I started to have major doubts and started to worry that maybe - just maybe - I will never get pregnant... I know I've only gone through two cycles, but the negatives were devastating. It's hard putting all this love and hope into something and then have it not be successful.

I really needed a month off to gain some prospective. At first, I was angry that I would have to take an entire month off!! More delay in trying. I'm not getting any younger! But it couldn't have come at a better time. Life is getting a little more "clearer".

• Little Guy's adoption is going to happen!!! 
• Little Miss will be leaving in a few weeks to be back with family. 
• All my big travel plans (and the stress that goes with that) are over. 

I also started to ask myself, "Will I be happy with just Little Guy and me?" I absolutely adore Little Guy! He is my world right now. But... I would feel like our two-person Family C would be missing someone. Missing our much loved and hoped for Baby C. I really want Little Guy to have a sibling. I also always wanted to have birth children... I would like to have at least 2 children with a max of 3. 

I've decided to continue on with TTC and am committed to going through as many as 6 IUI cycles before reevaluating. If I have 6 failed IUI's, then I'll think about IVF or possibly adoption or just continue to provide foster care. 

It's a little funny to think about it... but I never imagined my life turning out this way! Would I change anything? Absolutely NOT!

I wouldn't change anything because that would mean I wouldn't have Little Guy in my life right now and I wouldn't trade him for the world. So, maybe TTC doesn't work - maybe it does... I'm sure that in the end it is all going to turn out as it should and we will add to our family the way it was meant to be. I just know that we will be adding at least one more child to our family, it's just a matter of how that will happen. 

I really needed this TTC break. Being off of fertility meds has been heavenly! It's great feeling normal. Also, all the stress that goes with Cycling wasn't here this month. There is just so much riding on getting that BFP. This dream of dreams to complete my family... The hope. The love. It can be a bit much at times. Never realized how much stress I was holding onto until it wasn't there anymore. 

IUI Cycle #3 Plan 

I met with my RE today to discuss "next steps" and come up with a Game Plan. He doesn't think we need to go to full-on injectables. He's suggesting a "mini stimulation" round:

+ Clomid or Femara (Letrizole) for 5 days
+ FSH stimulating hormone (Bravelle, Follistim, or Goanl-F) for 3 days
+ Pregnyl Trigger 
+ Progesterone Vaginal Suppository 

I haven't decided if I want to do Clomid again or go with Femara... I have a few more weeks before I need to decide. My RE doesn't have a preference either way. I've decided to go with Bravelle, because it's cheaper and should have the same results.

He also discussed an Injections or "full stimulation" round which would be FSH stimulating hormone (no clomid or femara). FSH 75 iu/day for 10-14 days. More ultrasounds, about 3-5 and blood work. I ruled this one out (for now) because of the increase of costs.

I also discussed IVF with him. He said my BMI needs to be under 40 in order for them to do IVF with me. However, if it's between 37-40 that they have to do a consultation with the other RE (there are two RE's in my office) to see if they want to proceed... I'm going to have to work on getting my weight down if I end up going this route.

Let's see what happens on Cycle #3. Hopefully it will be successful and I won't have to worry about moving towards an injectables-only IUI round or IVF.

"There's no telling how many miles you have to run 

while chasing a dream."

Anonymous

Road Trip, Day #5: Character Breakfast + Travel Day - headed home!

First thing we did on our last day was pack and load the car. Bigger effort than it sounds with two toddlers! 

Character Breakfast 

It's so crowded at the parks and the lines to take pictures with characters are really long. I made a reservation for a Character Breakfast for our last day in California. I've done Goofy's Kitchen and wanted to try something different. We ended up doing Disney's PCH Grill at Disney's Paradise Pier Hotel. 

Mini review: not the best character breakfast ever... but it's hard to compare Disneyland stuff to Disney World...! I didn't really like the food options and the layout of the place was a little odd. 

Little Guy was a little cautious of the characters, but he didn't cry. Little Miss had a different experience. She would wave "hi" and "bye" to them with a smile on her face. But if they tried to get close, she would scream her head off! So, I don't have any pictures of her smiling with the characters. 

Drive Home

The drive home went really fast and was relatively smooth. The kids did well for the most part, besides a few tantrum parties with Little Miss. 

Sweet Part of the Day: Pluto hugging Little Guy.

Sour Part of the Day: Having a toddler kick my seat while I was driving. 

Road Trip, Day #4: Beach Day

After all the excitement of the Graduation Ceremony, going to Disney's California Adventure, and Disneyland -- we planned one relaxing day to the BEACH! 

Since we got back to the hotel so late the day before, we got to sleep in this day! We all got up by 10:30am, which is extremely late for me and the kids. 

The day didn't start off great, as Little Miss continued her tantrum party at the hotel before we left... 

We had a beach in mind to visit, but we ended up at Newport Beach instead. Found some street parking and a beach that didn't have many people there! 

We were able to hang out and relax for a few hours. It wasn't too sunny, which was nice! The water was very cold. 

Little Miss had a few outburst at the beach that weren't fun... But I dealt with it. Overall the trip was a success! 

Later that night, we met with my cousin and God Daughter for dinner. 

Nice relaxing day, considering the busy hustle and bustle of Disneyland/DCA. 

Sweet Part of the Day: Hanging out at the beach. 

Sour Part of the Day: Little Miss's morning tantrum. 

Road Trip, Day #3: Disneyland, the Happiest Place On Earth! (for most kids)

Day #3 was Disneyland Day!!! With what happened at DCA yesterday, I tried to take some precautions to hopefully minimize Little Miss's tantrums - no luck. This day was just as bad (if not worse than yesterday) where her extreme tantrums are concerned. 

HOWEVER, even though she had tantrums-galore --> the rest of us had a good time :) Did same packing as DCA day. Disneyland is much more crowded though!!! Was hard to navigate the crowds and we didn't get to go on many of the Tomorrowland, Fantasyland, or Toon Town rides. If I were to do it again, probably would've done 2 days at Disneyland to fit it all in and not feel "rushed".

The castle!

In Tomorrowland, the kids had a lot of fun with this giant water ball. 

Watched Fantasmic, which was GREAT! I haven't watched the show since I was a kid. Little Guy with his glow sticks. 

The day at Disneyland was fun! We got to do everything we wanted to do (for the most part) and see what we wanted to see. We were very strategic with riding rides. They have some rides that have "single riders" and we used Fast Pass for other rides. The teenager and I just took turns watching the kids while the other one was on the rides. We took the kids on the rides with no height requirements (although Little Miss missed out on some of these because of the tantrum situation). Worked out really well overall!

Sweet Part of the Day: Being at Disneyland with my Little Guy! 

Sour Part of the Day: "Advice" from other parents on how to manage Little Miss's tantrums. <sigh> 

Road Trip, Day #2: Disney California Adventure

Today was Disney California Adventure (DCA) Day. I was "prepared" with toys, snacks, diapers, clothes, drinks! You can bring in food and drinks into Disney. Here's what I packed: 

• Soft Structured Cooler: located under the stroller that had water and ice to keep it cold. 
• Food Snack Trays for the kids. 
• Some Toys to help with down time. 
• In the Minnie Bag: A bag of extra clothes, PJ's, sunblock. 
• In the Spider Man Bag: Diapers, Wipes. 
• Blankets for each kid. 
• Baby Carrier for waiting in line. 

The day started out relatively well! It wasn't busy at DCA and it's a smaller park, so I didn't feel rushed. The kids were exploring and having fun. 

THEN, the meltdowns began. Little Miss had her first meltdown during the Frozen sing along. It was really bad. I can't add the details here... but they were so bad that someone at Disney came to talk to us about her keeping her shoes and shirt on, and that if I need assistance -- to just find a Cast Member.  Very embarrassing, needless to say. 

I wish I could say that her meltdowns stopped after that, but they actually escalated. She had meltdown-after meltdown. Screaming at the top of her lungs for up to an hour at a time... She ended up staying in the stroller for the most part because she was highly unpredictable on what she would do when she was out. 

Little Guy also became frustrated with her and would go up to her and say, "Stop it! No" and wag his little finger at her. 

We didn't let that impact our day though!! Little Guy still had fun, I had semi-fun, and the teenager that came with us had fun on the rides. 

The cutest thing was that Little Guy would "dance". He would stand in the middle of traffic and just start bouncing, going in circles, dancing :) 

Here's the kids waiting in line to take a picture with a Car in Cars Land. Little Miss didn't actually make it to the picture, as she had a meltdown right after I took this one. 

It was hard taking pictures of Little Guy with the cars, as he just wanted to look at them. He was fascinated that they made noise and that they had eyes! 

We watched the parade at DCA and it was really good! 

We also watched World of Color. I really enjoyed that one. I didn't know you had to have a fast pass to get seats!! By the time we figured it out, they were already out. So we found this spot, a little off center - but it worked out well! I also brought glow sticks for the kids to use when it got dark. Prior to it getting too cold, I changed both kids into their PJ's and put their jackets on - that way when it was time to leave, they can go straight to sleep when we got back to the hotel.



Overall, it was an OK day. Little Miss's tantrums were so constant and extreme and nothing I would do helped her or minimized her behavior. It was really frustrating.

Sweet Part of the Day: Watching Little Guy dance in the middle of Car's Land. 

Sour Part of the Day: Little Miss's extreme Tantrums. 

Road Trip, Day #1: 6 Hour Car Ride + Graduation Ceremony!

It's time for our Road Trip to California!! 

Agenda: My God Daughter's High School Graduation, Disney California Adventure, Disneyland, the Beach, and Character Breakfast. 

Getting ready for a road trip is a little bit easier than preparing for a plane ride! More space in the car for odds and ends, no worries about having to carry everything. 

Packing & Loading

For this trip, I decided to put each day into a zip lock bag. I've done this before, just skipped it for my Hawaii trip. Bags I packed:

• A bag for each day: 1 outfit for each kid + 1 set of PJ's. 
• A bag of just PJ's for each kid (for non-theme park days). 
• A bag of jackets, hats, sunglasses. 
• A bag of extra clothes: 1 outfit for each kid. 

Packing the car was harder. I don't have a huge car!!! So, trying to squeeze everything in there for 4 humans, a double stroller, and a pack-n-play was tough! I had two pack-n-plays (1 for each kid) but wasn't able to bring the second one because there was absolutely no room. Ended up renting a crib at the hotel.

I don't normally let the kids watch TV. I made a huge exception for this road trip. I bought TV's for the car with dual screens (can be played individually or as one). Since I have one kid rear-facing and one forward-facing, this worked out really well.

The Drive 

The drive went relatively smoothly! We stopped twice. Once for snacks + potty/diaper changes. Then once for lunch. Both kids did extremely well.

This is what the snack tray looked like:

Graduation Ceremony 

When we finally arrived in California, we were able to change and head over to my God Daughter's High School graduation. There were a lot of kids graduating, but it was still over in about 1.5 hours.



Afterwards, we went to dinner with the family and did gifts for my God Daughter. I made her two candy leis, a money lei, and gave her a "College Survival Kit". She loved it! I found all of these things on Pinterest and YouTube.

Arriving at the Hotel 

We arrived at the hotel relatively late, about 9:30pm. We got settled and went straight to sleep. We stayed at the Carousel Inn and Suites. The good: Perfect location, as it's only a 5 minute walk to both parks (it's right across the street) - very convenient, the price was pretty good considering the location. Downers: no free wifi, no free parking (only valet services that costs each day), a "resort fee" (although not very resort-y), crib rental fee.

All in all, the road trip to California was a success and everything went as planned.

Sweet Part of the Day: Seeing my God Daughter graduate!

Sour Part of the Day: It was humid! Not used to the humidity anymore! 

Little Miss will be Leaving Soon

Received notice that Little Miss will be leaving soon, approximately 3 weeks - so by the end of June/beginning of July-ish.

I have mixed feelings about this...

I do believe that CPS sometimes reunifies too early and I think that's the case here. I don't think it's in Little Miss's best interest to go home *right* now. The odds of her ending up back in foster care are pretty high... How could a case go from being about 1-2 years to being a few months? There's something odd and fishy about that. This is the most complex case I've had as a foster parent and for them to send Little Miss home so soon is just perplexing.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in reunification. However, there is a point where I think CPS sets up the birth parents for failure by not allowing them enough time to get their lives together and sending kids home too soon. It's hard to change your life around. It's even harder when you have kids to watch over. I'm talking about sustainable life change - not just "I'm going to do good for right now and then fall off the bandwagon." Sustainable life changes do not happen in just a few months...

I'm hoping that's not the case here... but I don't have much confidence in the system due to all the stuff I've experienced. Also, I know this case -- and it scares me to have Little Miss leave this soon... Of course, I have no say. The GAL on this case is also useless. I haven't liked her from the start and she was useless when I emailed her. What else can be done?

Let's just hope that this is for the best and that she's going home forever. She already has a lot of medical and behavioral needs, I would hate for her to digress. She's come so far.

That's the other thing with foster care, I'll never know what happens to her! She'll leave and I'll never hear if she's back in the system or if she's doing well at home. Very sad.

Such is the life of a foster parent. Love/care for them while you have them, advocate for their best interests and for services, then say goodbye and pray that where they go next is for the best.

Toddler See-Toddler Do: May 2015 Edition

The kids are growing up so fast and developing language so quickly, I'm finding I'm not able to track it quick enough! Thought I would try to accumulate everything and add it into the blog in hopes to track some of these awesome milestones and language developments.

The Magic in Books 

Both kids LOVE "Story Time". After we brush teeth, I will say "It's Story Time!" Both kids will scream "YAY!" and run to the spot in the bedroom where we read, they will be giggling and laughing the entire time :) I love that they both love to read. After we read, Little Guy likes to take the book and flip through it by himself, sometimes trying to mimic my story telling voices. Super adorable.

During play time the kids will sometimes sit down together, side-by-side, and read their own books. In preparation for the next steps, going to possibly start working on POTTY TRAINING! We started reading some books.

Little Guy 

He will walk around and talk to the flowers and trees and say "Hi" and wave at them. How precious is that? :) 

When asked a question like, "Who wants to brush their teeth?" He responds "ME!" 

"Home" 

"Yeah" 

"Thank you" He's working on this one, only says it occasionally! He prefers "NO!" 

I will say, "it's time to go to the car". Little Guy will grab his toy car and say "Car!"  

"Please." He will sign it and say it (sometimes!)  

He is obsessed with cows and saying "MOO!!!"    

He will say "Light" and point to the lamp or when he turns on/off the light switch. 

Every time he hears a plane flying over head, he gets so excited. He will point and yell "Airplane!"  

"Mickey Mouse" but sounds more like "Me-Mow"  

 "Elmo" but sounds more like "Nemo"

Little Miss

Little Miss is working on putting 3 or 4 words into sentences. Which is pretty amazing considering when she first came to me she was only saying about 10-15 words in January! Here are some of her more interesting sentences: 

"I don't know."

"I hurt my back." or "I hurt my knee." or any other body part she knows. 

"Where'd it go?"

"Are you tired Mama?" 

"I pee pee in my diaper."

"Why?" About everything. 

"I go home Mama?" When we are out and she wants to head home, usually when she's tired. 

"I ni-ni now." When she's tired and ready to go to bed.  

Random Toddler Funnies 

• The kids were taking a bath and then Little Miss starts "blowing bubbles" in the bath tub. They both take swim class and that's one of the things that they're learning. Little Guy hasn't mastered that yet. When he sees Little Miss doing it, he sticks his entire face in the bathtub! The entire time they are both cracking up. It took him about 4x's before he just had his mouth in and started "blowing Bubbles. When it was time to get out of the bath, he kept trying to blow bubbles -- even when the water was all out! He laid down in the bathtub, with his mouth against the bottom, trying to blow bubbles. 
• Little Miss is learning to put on and take off her pants/shorts. This is in preparation for potty training! Well, she normally puts her pants/shorts on backwards. Which I don't correct, because I don't want to discourage her. One day, she puts her shorts on backwards and asked me "Pockets?"? She loves putting her hands in her pockets, but they were on her bottom because she had them on backwards. I told her the pockets were in the back. So, she puts her hands in her pockets (that are on her bottom) and walks around all day like that! 

Swimming Class --> Toddler Style

Both of my Little Ones are in swimming class. Yesterday was an interesting day at swim.

Little Guy does not like swim class. He's been going since December and he's gotten a lot better, but he still has issues with transitioning to his swim instructor. He'll hold onto me screaming. Poor guy. It takes him about 10 minutes to get "settled" into class and then enjoys the rest for the most part.

Yesterday, Little Guy decided to have a BM right after I put on his reusable swim diaper!!! No fun. He thought he would "get out of" swim class and was all happy when I took him back to change into a NEW reusable swim diaper. I had to buy a new one. On top of that, I ran out of wipes cleaning him up! I'm usually more prepared than that, but was hoping there would be no more need for wipes! Luckily there wasn't.

When I brought him back to the pool, he started his little scream-fest-resistance. But eventually, he did really well! Blowing bubbles and working on floating.

Little Miss was not having a good day. She had an hour-long tantrum at daycare yesterday. This is the first time she exhibited the type of tantrums she's had at my house. I have to admit, I was happy about that! Glad to know that she has those tantrums somewhere else because it can feel like she saves them for me! She also did not nap - at all - all day. She's one of those kids that needs that afternoon nap and is out hard and will sleep for 2-3 hours.

Not having a good day, I wasn't sure how she'd react to going to swim class. She'll usually start whining in the car when I tell her we're going to swim. Yesterday, she seemed fine with it. She even voluntarily went to her swim instructor and got in the pool -- no whining, no screaming, no crying. She blew bubbles and progressed really well the entire class! I was so surprised, as that's a rare occurrence for her!

Then, it was time to leave and she refused to hold my hand! Started having a little temper tantrum on holding my hand to walk to the car. This happened the first week she was with me, but not since. I sat her down and told her that she was going to hold my hand to walk to the car, because that's what's safe. She can choose which hand to hold. Thankfully, she decided to hold my hand and walk to the car - I immediately started praising her for following directions and doing so well.

We had some incidents during dinner, she's started holding food in her cheeks... She's done that before, but she looked like a chipmunk. Something to keep an eye on. She's been having a hard time adjusting to visitations and acting out a lot. I think it's because she feels a "lack of control". Going to try to start giving her options (option 1 or option 2) and see if that helps.

Overall, yesterday was an eventful day at swim class! I am personally exhausted. :)

Mother's Day 2015 Surprises

This was my 3rd Mother's Day as a single foster mom! 

Here's how I spent Mother's Day in the past: 

2012 - My First Mother's Day with my first two foster daughters. My 5 year old "made me" waffles by putting them in the toaster for me :) 

2013 - This year I had no foster kiddos, I was on a "break" from fostering. It felt so weird not to have any kids! 

2014 - My second Mother's Day was with Little Guy. He was only 5 months at the time. I don't really remember what we did that day! We did go to my friend's baby shower that weekend and then went to Austin, TX later that week.  

2015 - This year I have my two little ones, my Little Guy & Little Miss. Here's how Mother's Day has gone for me thus far:

Surprise #1

Received a nice card from my foster care agency. Having fostered with them for 4 years, this is the first Mother's Day card I received from them. I thought it was really nice and it made me tear up a bit. Very nice of them. 

Surprise #2 

Had a sleepless night being anxious for my Trigger Shot. Afterwards, right when I was about to fall back asleep - Little Guy decided that a 5:30am wake up time would be nice. Then, Little Miss decides to greet me with a very yucky morning bowl movement. Happy Mother's Day! Haha. 

Surprise #3

Decided I didn't want to cook breakfast and we headed to IHOP this morning. Which I guess is the thing to do on Mother's Day because it was packed! I swear, everyone in the town was there. The kids were pretty good and I'm getting better at managing two toddlers in public. I even allowed myself to have a coffee!!! I gave it up when I decided to TTC. One cup won't hurt, right? It was so yummy. 

There was a family sitting next to us that reminded me of my family from back home. Made me a little nostalgic. I haven't been in contact with my own birth mother since 2008 (long story - to be shared in another entry one of these days). I didn't grow up with my birth mother, my father raised my older brother and me. But it's weird having a mother out there that I haven't seen in such a long time and seeing 3 generations of mothers having breakfast next to us. Also add to that - I'm TTC my own birth child right now. Strange mix of emotions I didn't expect. 

After breakfast, we went to a nice park that's by the restaurant that we haven't been to before. Which leads to the next surprise... 

Surprise #4 

We were having a good time exploring this park when Little Guy falls and split his lip!!! Blood EVERYWHERE! Lips bleed so bad. When he fell, he bit his bottom lip -- it looked "meaty". I was surprised at how calm I was while he was screaming. I was also surprised at how calm Little Miss was while this was going on. It could've been a lot more chaotic than it was. His lip looked so bad, that I felt I needed to bring him to Urgent Care. The problem was, my normal Urgent Care wasn't open yet. I finally found one that was close and accepted his insurance. 

Turns out - it's not that bad. Can take up to 2 weeks to heal, just because of the location. No stitches needed. He was prescribed some ointment and Tylenol. He seems perfectly fine now! But it was a bit of a scare. This is his first real "accident". I'm actually surprised it's taken this long for him to fall and hurt himself - considering he's a toddler! Let's hope it doesn't start a trend. Now, the fun part -- completing the "Incident Report" for CPS. Ugh. 

Surprise #5 

I received a really nice text from my friend's teenage daughter: 

Happy Mother's Day Patty! You are such an amazing mother your kids are very lucky to have you as a mom! ❤️ hope you have an awesome Mother's Day!

Very sweet of her to think about me and it made me smile :)

It's not even Noon yet... Let's hope the rest of the day is uneventful! Planning to go to the splash pad after nap time... or maybe just chill at home the rest of the day! I'm a little tired out from all these surprises!

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mommy's out there -- the Foster Mommy's -- the Adoptive Mommy's -- the soon-to-be-Mommy's -- and all those that are Mommy's in their hearts, trying to conceive. May you have a blessed day with those you love. 

Frustration with Visitations

There are a lot of frustrating things that happen with foster care. One of those can be visitations. Today was not a good day for Little Miss. Due to some changes in the agency that supervises her visitations, there was a delay in visits for almost 3 weeks. It's sad when that happens for the birth family and for the foster child.

Little Miss had her first visit today after almost 3 weeks of no visits. Prior to the visit, I was just thinking "Wow, look how well she's doing! She hasn't had a tantrum in so long, I can't even remember the last time she had a tantrum." I was also thinking about how far she's progressed verbally and physically. She's been doing amazing.

Then, the visit happened. I get an overtired child back that's an emotional mess. Then, she has the worse tantrum she's had in weeks... Can you imagine being a 2 year old and not having the words to express your feelings? It breaks my heart to see her progress so far and then to see a breakdown in her emotional state like this. This has to have been one of the worse tantrums I've seen from her, probably since she's lived with me... It was really bad.

I don't know what the answer is to any of this. Signing up to being a foster parent, you kind of know you're going to experience things like this. The foster care system is completely broken in my state. But also, visitations are needed to keep the birth family and the child connected. It would just be nice if there wasn't such an emotional component for the child or some way to make it OK for them.

As the foster parent, it's hard to "parent" these things as well. I constantly worry if my parenting style is being helpful or more harmful. Luckily we are getting services in place for Little Miss that should help her through this.

Today was a tough day...

On another note, I did have fun spending some 1x1 time with Little Guy. His idea of fun at the park is: not playing at the park - but looking at the flowers and walking everywhere that is not the playground! He also is practicing his dramatic tantrums -- arching back and falling to the floor style. He stopped that after he got some "sand" on his hands and the landing wasn't as soft as at home! He also was practicing saying "HI" with a cute little wave as people walked by :) Love watching him develop and grow socially. I even love his little tantrums. Probably because he starts laughing once he's on the floor - silly boy. I'm working REALLY hard not to laugh when he does this, because although it's so darn cute - I don't want to encourage the behavior. Even on a rough day, Little Guy still manages to bring joy to the day.

Positive Changes

Just realized that there have been so many positive changes for Little Miss since she's come to live with me. Today I noticed one of them.

When she first arrived and we would go to the park, she wouldn't really "play" - she would just sit there (literally) and watch the other kids play - not really enjoying herself. 

Today, we went to the park & she was running around! She was all over the place and she was enjoying herself. 

Another thing that's changed- when we would be hanging out in the living room & Little Guy would be playing -- she used to just sit there. 

Now, she's playing & using her imagination. She plays with her baby dolls & pretends. She will sing and dance to herself. 

Her manners are also getting there. She will say "Bless you mom" when I sneeze. When I tell her "bless you" she will say "thank you". 

It's really great to see these positive changes in her! 

Update on my foster babies

It's been awhile since I posted an update on my foster babies. It's been extremely busy with these two little ones.

Little Guy

My Little Guy is doing really well! Nothing terribly new on his case. We are getting a new Case Manager. This will be Case Manager #3. We also have a new judge. This will be Judge #2. Not to mention we have a new ADA (Assistant District Attorney) #2 or #3. Lots of changes! I suppose it's to be expected, he's been in care for 15 months and his case is STILL going. I haven't heard from the new Case Manager yet, I'm sure he/she will touch-base in the next few weeks or so.

We have a court hearing next month, which I don't expect much to happen at. The hearing/trial in May is the BIG one and will determine next steps (hopefully the adoption path will be clearer at that point).

Other than that, he is the funniest little person I know! He loves to laugh, is starting to RUN, wants to get his way and do what he wants, has his little toddler tantrums, and is so inquisitive. His little personality is so precious. Love my Little Guy :)

Little Miss

First the good! Little Miss has adjusted extremely well. From Day 1 to today, she has come so far. She finds stability in structure and routine, she's happier, and I believe she feels secure. She has identified me as her primary care giver and I hear "Mommy, Mama, or Mom" all the time. Her behaviors are starting to become more age appropriate.

She has had a lot of appointments... a lot of specialists... a lot of intakes. I swear, she has had more appointments than any of my other children. Her appointments look like they will be on-going too. It's the most complex case I've ever had with a foster child. Not to mention, the case may last up to two years... Which is just sad and crazy. Imagine, she'll be 4 years old before finding permanency. Something just seems wrong with that. Originally they had told me that she would be "short term", 3-6 months. Ummm, yeah right. That is one reason why I had agreed to take her...

The bad. Parenting Little Miss is a challenge. Being a foster child, she is constantly battling with me and testing me, trying to push my limits. I know this is all "normal" for foster kids to do these things, I've had my other foster kids do this as well. However, it doesn't make it easier to parent. It does become tiring. I just try to remain consistent and try my best not to react / stay calm. Little Miss is the Queen of the high pitch tantrum scream, that's for sure! When she's on one, it reverberates throughout the ENTIRE house. No joke.

I do feel very committed to Little Miss... to get her all the services she needs and to make sure that we work on bonding/attachment. Plus, seeing her with Little Guy - they are so adorable together! They get along so well and really love one another.

There is a part of me that wonders though, if I do get pregnant with Baby C - if I'll be able to keep up with Little Miss's appointments. Being single with 2 toddlers is not a cake walk! Then the reality of being single and having two toddlers with a newborn... hmmm.

I want to say "I can do it!" But really, I have no clue how my body will react to being pregnant or if I'll have any complications.

I would never feel right disrupting a foster placement... However, WHEN I get pregnant - I'll have to see if there are any medical complications and if I can maintain my care for Little Miss... The most important thing as a foster parent is making sure you're meeting your foster child's needs. If anything would hinder that, then it would be in her best interest to be moved to another foster home.    This is another thing I'd have to take one day at a time, as I got through the IUI process & hopefully get my BFP.

The plan right now is: I'll keep her until she finds permanency.

Perhaps you're wondering about Little Guy in all this? Well, I'm hoping to adopt him! I've had him since birth and he truly is an easy child. I always had Little Guy in mind when planning for Baby C, making sure there was at least 2 years age difference between them - which right now, is going as planned. I can't imagine my life without him. Hoping to be able to call him my forever son by year end.

Well, that's the long and the short of it. Things are going well, but there are challenges. We are busy-busy and my calendar looks like a war zone! But in all honesty, it's pretty smooth in the day-to-day having the two of them. I am thinking, "I can have 3 kids as a single mom!" LOL. Wish me luck and maybe say a little prayer for us ;-)

Visit from Social Worker

First visit from Social Worker today. I wish I could say that I know more about Little Miss's case. Nope. 

I did find out that she may not be short term after all, that she may be staying a long time....! I didn't anticipate this. It's never clear with these cases and anything can change, so you never know for sure. 

Looking forward to talking to the Client Manager next week to hopefully get more details on where everything stands. 

Joy of foster parenthood -- always in the dark! 

First Kiss

As a foster parent, there are sometimes "moments" that really show that you're making progress with a child. 

Little Miss has been with me for a little over 2 weeks now. Some moments that are showing me she's adjusting well: 

• No more tantrums!!! Not to say that she doesn't show defiance. She does, she is a toddler :) But no more throwing herself on the floor and screaming at the top of her lungs for up to 20 minute periods. That's HUGE progress. 
• She goes to sleep without screaming. She actually ASKS me to go to sleep. She knows the routine so well, she'll say "ni-ni" and head to her room. 
• She is laughing more. 
• When I ask for a hug, I get a hug! :) Before I would get a "no".
• This morning, I asked for a hug and she hugged and KISSED me! :) That's my FIRST kiss from her. This is pretty amazing because it shows she's bonding with me and feels more comfortable. Previously, she did not show much affection. 

I am so happy she's doing so well. She has the routine down and I think it brings her comfort to know what to expect and what comes next in the day. 

When things get hard being a foster parent, I just have to sit back and look at how much progress has been made. This helps me take a deep breathe and know I can deal with whatever comes next. 

What's also pretty sweet, is my Little Guy adores Little Miss. He smiles and laughs with her. He really enjoys her company. 

I have an appointment scheduled with her Guardian Ad-Litem (GAL)'s social worker next week. I should learn more about the case through her. We have court next month: an R&R (report and review). I still haven't met her Case Manager from DCS...  

I also started Little Miss in swim lessons this week. Oh man... it was really sad. A lady that looks like her Birth Mother (BM) walked in the building and she started yelling "MOMMY!" and got really excited. I had to tell her that it wasn't her mommy...  She did pretty well for her first lesson. She only screamed when she was taken off the step of the swimming pool! But she was able to sit and follow directions extremely well. Which is awesome.  

So far, being a family of 3 has been a smooth transition! But don't look at my calendar - it looks like a war zone! Between both children, my work schedule, my personal appointments, and my Toastmasters commitments -- things look HECTIC. Thank goodness I love to calendarize ;) 

Visitation Frustration

Little Miss was supposed to have a visit today with her Birth Mother (BM) and a sibling. Yesterday, I texted the Parent Aide (PA) to confirm the visit. No response.

A PA is the person that picks up and transports foster children to supervised visits. They also observe the visit and make notations. They are "contracted out" and do not work for the State directly. 

I moved forward as if the visit was going to happen by packing the diaper bag and notifying the daycare provider.

I receive a text AFTER Little Miss was supposed to get picked up saying "Sorry for the late reply. Visit is tomorrow."

Really? Seriously? Late reply... no reply.

I responded with asking if the visit for Friday was still on - NO RESPONSE. Visits are supposed to be Wednesdays and Fridays.

Very frustrating. Lack of communication, lack of notification - makes it extremely difficult to schedule anything.

GRRRR.

I have to admit, this is my NUMBER 1 frustration of being a foster parent is working with people that are incompetent in performing their jobs. They put foster parents in limbo.

Rant over. I'm going to talk to this PA when she drops off Little Miss after her visit tomorrow with expectations on notifying of changes to the normal schedule. Let's see how that goes...!