My Path to Single Motherhood

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my path to single motherhood. It's so strange because it feels so natural and normal to me -- that I sometimes forget how unconventional my path has been.

Plan A

Every since I was a little girl, I had always wanted to have children. I had big dreams about having birth children and adopting. My "Plan A" approach was always in this order: fall in love, get married, have birth children, provide foster care, and adopt.

When I turned 28, I started seriously considering the "what if's" about Plan A not working out. I had just moved to a new state, was away from all my friends/family, and I was finding it difficult to meet any new quality men. I tried a bunch of stuff: online dating, volunteering, getting involved in the community, speed dating, singles events, etc. But it just wasn't happening for me.

Starting to think about Plan B

When I was 28, I wasn't ready to give up on Plan A. But I also didn't want to give up on living the life I wanted because of the lack of finding a partner. At that time I started looking into having my own birth child using donor sperm. I had given myself a "deadline" of sorts, that if I reached 33 and I still haven't met someone, that I would pursue having a birth child. I just wasn't really ready to do it at 28. I also didn't want to be too old and from my research at the time, 35 seemed like where the big fertility decline would start happening. So, 33 seemed like a good time to start.

Things with Plan A weren't working out and I wasn't ready for Plan B (I wrote about it a little bit here). At that time in my life I felt like it would've been selfish for me to move forward with having my own child. When I read through my old diaries, I think part of it was I wasn't really ready to become a single mom yet. I was scared of all the ways my life would change and I didn't know if I was ready for that at 28, without a husband. Not to mention, I still had big hopes of meeting someone and wasn't ready to let that go yet.

That's when I started looking into foster care.

Plan C: Foster Parenting 

I always knew that I wanted to be a foster parent and that I eventually wanted to adopt. I figured, why not now? Due to some big family drama, I ended up holding off until I was 30 to move forward with becoming a foster parent.

Why fostering and not adopt? I often get asked why I went into being a foster parent and not just doing straight adoption. As I mention under my Plan B, I just don't think I was ready to be a single mom yet. But I still wanted to help children, which has always been a dream of mine. I figured that I'll become a foster parent and if/when one of my foster children became eligible for adoption, I can pass that bridge when it came. That it was all in God's hands.

I just didn't want my Plan A to stop me from living my life or put me "on hold" from pursing things.

Living Plan C: Being a Foster Parent 

I have to admit that being a foster parent is probably a lot more difficult than just having your own kids! I didn't know that at the time. I had big ideals of helping children, helping reunify them with their parents, and that life would go on as it should. That's not really how it happened.

As a foster parent, you are under such scrutiny (which I understand -- but doesn't make it easier to live through it). You are limited on your parenting techniques, there's a huge time commitment - more so than having your own birth child (monthly visits, required appointments, transporting the child to meetings, court hearings, etc), and not to mention the incredible emotional attachment you have to your foster kids. Loving a child goes beyond sharing genetics. Not only that, you become an advocate, you become their voice, you fight for their best interests.

Plan A? Yeah --> Not happening at this point. There was no way I could meet someone when I had rotating foster children. Saying goodbye to my foster kids was not only hard for me, but was hard for all the other people that knew my kids. Not only that, my "extra time" was non-existent. My life quickly started revolving around my foster children and there really wasn't room for anything else.

Plan B? Yeah --> Not happening at this point. I was so invested in my foster kids and committed to helping more kids, that 33 came and I thought, "Maybe Plan B isn't for me and I can adopt?" 

Being a foster parent and saying goodbye to all my kiddies was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to live through... At this point in my journey I knew I wanted to move forward with adoption, but I was still committed to being a foster parent. As a foster parent, I was very dedicated to helping reunify children with birth family. A bit of conflicting feelings there --> temporary care vs. permanency / adoption. The most difficult part about saying goodbye to my foster children was that once they were gone -- there was a time where I had no children in my home. It was during those times that I really missed being a mom and missed having children around. It was such an empty void in my heart and in my home. That's when I absolutely knew that I was finally ready to become a single mother. I had started contemplated domestic infant adoption or going straight adoption through the foster care system.

Plan D: Adoption 

What's interesting is that I had started looking back into Plan B in November 2013. I was 33, almost 34 at the time, and I was between foster care placements. I started to get that "feeling" back of wanting to experience pregnancy, giving birth, and having my own birth child. Not to mention that I had some serious heartbreaks from saying goodbye to some of my foster kids... I was at a point where I felt completely 100% ready to be a single mom, either through adoption or through having my own birth child. I even scheduled an appointment with an RE for a consult. What stopped me was my insurance coverage! I didn't realize the hefty $$ of TTC. At 33 and 34 years old, they had the requirement of trying for 12 months without success before infertility coverage kicked in (medicated and monitored). So, I decided to wait until 35 (when I only needed 6 cycles to get coverage), save money, and take some time to really think about pursing Plan B again.

Well, the very next month (December 2013) I received my next foster child, Lucky #7 -- my Little Guy, my forever son -- he is my first and only foster child that became eligible for adoption while he was in my care. I talk about his adoption timeline here. There were rocky times during his placement that I wasn't sure if I would be able to adopt him or not. There were times where I felt completely broken and lost at the thought of him leaving me. I remember going straight to church after a court hearing and just crying in the pews and asking for strength and acceptance. I'm grateful every single day to call him my Forever Son and be his Mama. In a lot of ways, he's changed my life for the better and I can't imagine my life without him.

Back to Plan B 

As I mentioned, things were pretty rocky with my son's foster care placement. When my son was about to turn 1 years old and I was about to turn 35, I decided I would move forward with TTC and trying to build my family. I still managed to take two more foster children while I was moving forward with adopting my son and going through fertility treatments. That's really where this blog started and most of it's documented here so I won't totally recap it... the struggles of TTC, infertility, and almost 2 years of fertility treatments. Now, I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant and expecting my baby boy to arrive in a few more weeks.

Sometimes I look back and wonder how the heck I was able to go through fertility treatments, take in two of my hardest foster children, and go through my son's adoption -- all at the same time. What was I thinking? I'm just tired thinking about it now... LOL. Somehow though, I managed!

Thoughts on Plan A 

I would lie if I said that I don't mourn Plan A. Every now and then I get really sad about it and wish I had someone to share my joys about my son and about my new baby boy. I also wish at times that I had someone to tag-team with! Especially being pregnant, my energy levels are so low and the fatigue is killer.

But in reality, I have no regrets about my path. My path led me to my son and it led me to make this precious baby boy. If just one thing was different, I wouldn't have my boys and they are everything to me.

I also can't really imagine co-parenting. I mean, it's great in "theory" thinking about sharing the joys and tag-teaming and all... The grass is always greener, right? But I like the independence I have in parenting the way I want to, in making decisions, and I like that I'll never have to worry about custody arrangements or being separated from my kids.

I also don't know if I have the energy or time to try and "build" anything if I do meet someone! My energy goes towards my kids. Right now, I'm fine with that. I have given up on Plan A happening, since I believe that my life has happened just the way it was meant to and in the right order to get me to this exact point. But I'm not closed off to a possible Plan E in the future, if that's where life takes me. There sure are some hot / available single dads or single men out there,  right?! ;) LOL. I don't admit it much, but I am a romantic at heart.

Of course there are down-sides to being a single parent. Making every decision, while nice, is sometimes hard when you have no one else to bounce the ideas off of who is 100% invested in the decision as you are. Then there's the constant worry that something will happen to me and then the crazy concern of my kid's lives being changed so drastically... However, one can worry and worry about all the "What If's" that can happen in life. There are no guarantees of course. I just have to pray that God will take care of my boys no matter what. That's one reason I'm so diligent about keeping all my Estate Planning up-to-date and current, because that's the only thing I can do to make sure they're ok if something were to happen - the rest is in God's hands.

Being a Single Mom 

As I mentioned, my "Plan A" approach was always in this order: fall in love, get married, have birth children, provide foster care, and adopt.

My actual "Life" happened in this order: provide foster care, adopt, have birth children. Maybe there's a "fall in love" and "get married" in my future -- that's still to be seen and still to be written.

All and all, I don't have any regrets. I love my son more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I feel like I was meant to be his Mama. I've written this before, but I truly believe that God brought us together. In all of life's random moments and happenings, I feel like God chose me to be his Mama. Every night when we go to sleep, I tell my son "I am so happy and lucky to be your Mama." We pray every night and the first thing we do is thank God for making us a family. I mean it every single time I say it. No matter how bad the day was or what bad thing happened, I will always be grateful for this wonderful son of mine.

For my new baby boy, my heart can just burst with anticipation to meet him for the first time and see his little face. If I had chosen any other time to move forward with TTC or if I chose not to ever pursue Plan B or if any of my other 10 cycles had worked -- I wouldn't have this perfect little person growing inside me right now. He is my little miracle. It's a little strange to think I've been working up to this moment -- the moment of my baby boy's birth. From my first "thoughts" of becoming a single mother in 2008, to my first call to a fertility clinic in November 2013, to my first RE meeting in November 2014, to my positive pregnancy test in September 2016, to his soon-to-be birth in May or June of 2017. I can't wait to meet him and for him to meet his big brother and for my son to have a baby brother. For my little family of three to forge down this path of life together. It truly feels like a dream come true at times.

Life works in mysterious ways. It's always funny to step back and just look at your life's path and think that you are exactly where you need to be and all is how it should be.

So many Choses: Choosing a Baby Carrier

Oh my... You'd think since I've been a foster parent and I've been through the entire "baby carrier" dilemma multiple times already, that I would not have an issue choosing a baby carrier.

That would be  WRONG.

I know how overwhelming choosing baby items can be. Luckily, since I've had so much experience with babies I haven't had a big issue choosing what I want / need for my baby boy. The only exception is in baby carriers.

I'll give you a brief background of my baby wearing experience.

2011: Very novice at baby wearing. I used a sling for my first foster baby. It was extremely uncomfortable, but I had no clue what I was doing. I just got the first sling I saw at Target.

2013: My first foster son had high medical needs and was very clingy, loved being held. It was hard holding him because he had little control over his head / body -- making it hard to multi-task when home and tiring exclusively holding him when out. So, I tried the Bjorn. I was at Babies-R-Us just overwhelmed with choosing a carrier when I met someone wearing their baby -- she gave good recommendations on the Bjorn, so I got it.

I have to say -- I did love the Bjorn. But little did I know about hip dysplasia and stuff at the time... However, it worked for me. I never used the Bjorn with another baby again because of the inappropriate leg positioning though.

2013: I also received my son as my foster placement this year as a NB and he would soon become my guinea pig with all things baby carriers. I already knew from my previous foster son that I wanted to baby carry more. You can read about all the benefits of baby carrying, but I think the benefits are huge -- especially for foster babies entering the foster system. It helps with bonding, attachment, etc.

Moby Wrap: I LOVED the Moby Wrap. I used it until my son was about 6 months old. My son was a winter baby, so it worked perfect for us. I loved the hands-free aspect of things and it felt very secure. The only issues: 1) It was hard to put on. I would have to put it on prior to leaving the house, so I didn't have to wrap in the parking lot and get the wrap dirty (it's so long it would hit the floor). So I felt like I lived in it! 2) There is definitely a learning curve on how tight to wrap it. It does stretch and there were times where if I was wearing it for a long time, it felt like my son was sinking -- and I'd have to take him out and re-wrap tighter.

Ring Sling (Maya Wrap): I also LOVED The ring sling when my son was a NB. I used it during his first plane ride, since it was so easy to put on / off. Only issue with this is the RING. You can't wear it through the medal detectors (which I didn't realize at the time). So, I had to take him out to walk through the medal detectors, then put him back on -- which really sucked. After that, I never wore him in the ring sling at the airport again. The only reason I didn't use the ring sling more often was because it's not totally hands-free. You need to keep a hand on the baby.  It also hurt my shoulders if I used it for extended time because of the weight distribution. What I loved it for were quick trips into the store for a front carry or hip carry - but not for extended periods of time.

Onya Outback Carrier (soft structure carrier): I absolutely LOVE my Onya Outback. It's easy to use, has multiple uses (can be used as a high chair), and it's breathable in the hot weather. I used the Onya with my son all the way until he was 2 years old. The only issue I had with the Onya was that my son would get indents on his legs where his legs were against the carrier. My son was small, so maybe the "frog" position was too wide for him? I always had to make sure he was wearing pants when he rode in it. He never complained about it -- but it bothered me.

After this -- you'd think that I'd found the carriers I would love, right? Nope!

2015: I received my last foster son and he was all about being close to me -- all the time! So I wore him a lot. He hated the Moby Wrap. He hated the Onya Outback. He moved too much to use the Ring Sling while also having my son (not hands-free) and didn't feel secure. So, I tried a new carrier: The Tula (a soft structured carrier). The Tula is very similar to the Onya -- but for some reason, my foster son just loved the Tula over the Onya. So I exclusively used the Tula with my foster son and I loved it. No complaints on it at all.

I do have to admit that I have a bit of an obsession with baby carriers and it's so very hard to determine which carrier would work for which baby. Now, the dilemma I'm facing: Which baby carrier to use with my new baby boy??

Soft Structured Carrier (SSC)

I bought a new SSC.. I know, I know... I already have two that I love: the Onya and the Tula, why need another? I mentioned that the Onya Outback was breathable, but I also mentioned that the Onya left indent marks on my son's legs. The Tula is warmer (not breathable material). I need one that'll work for the hot weather. I ended up getting the Lillebaby Airflow carrier. I'm hoping I love it and that my baby loves it! What I like about it is: you can adjust the width of the carry at the legs -- making it narrower if needed. You can also use the Lillebaby from NB... although I love SSC, I don't prefer it for the NB stage, not as snuggly as a wrap, but it's nice to have that option.

Wrap

I already know that I prefer the Wrap-style for Newborns. However, the Moby Wrap I have is very very warm and my baby will be born in the summer. So I've been researching baby wraps like crazy....! There are too many choices and I can't settle on one: Moby Evolution (supposed to be more light weight), Wrapsody Hybrid Wrap, Oscha Ice Cotton Wrap, etc. The Moby is a better choice $ wise, but I'm not sure if that's the best overall wrap.

Not to mention -- what if baby boy doesn't like the wrap? LOL.

All this blog entry to say -- I still can't decide on a Wrap! Ugh. I'm leaning towards the Wrapsody Hybrid Wrap right now, but can't decide if spending the extra money is worth it or not. I found this blog that compares some wraps:

http://shopzerberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/stretch-wrap-comparison.html

I'm at a standstill and need to think about it a little more before I make a purchase.

It's funny the things you contemplate when you're pregnant! Baby carriers is one area I didn't think I would need to purchase again for -- but here I am with a new SSC and now going to get a new Wrap. I know the WHY behind it, but I just find it funny that I'm so indecisive about it!

Hopefully I'll be able to maintain my blog post-baby and can post updates on which carrier worked and which didn't.

29w+3d: MFM Diabetes Follow-up

I had my MFM diabetes follow-up today. It ended up being kind of a whirlwind of an appointment because I had to bring my son with me. He has strep throat -- AGAIN! Ugh. This is the first time I've brought him to any of my pregnancy appointments. I didn't really have a choice, since he can't go to daycare/preschool while sick. But with him being miserable, he was a little stinker during my visit!

Stats:

• Weight: +7 lbs 
• Blood Pressure: 118/75 
• Fetal Heart Tones: 154 bpm 

My blood pressure has gone down quite a bit! I think it's because my anxiety / worry levels have started to go down the closer I get to delivery. I think it's gotten much better since I've reached viability and every week I've made since. It also helps that I can feel baby boy pretty consistently and often. 

My glucose numbers weren't horrible, but they weren't great either. We are making some increases (which will probably keep happening until I deliver): 

• Morning: Humulin N increased to 30iu, Humulin R increased to 14iu 
• Evening (before meal): Humulin R increased to 14 iu. However, if my before-dinner glucose is over 120, I am to take 16 iu. 
• Evening (before bed): Humulin N increase to 52 iu. But, I don't have the syringes for this yet -- my syringes only go up to 50. A new prescription was sent to my pharmacy, so I'm waiting for them. Until I get them, I'm to take 50 iu. If my fasting blood sugars are horrible -- I'll need to up it to 52 iu and just use two separate needles (which I really don't want to do!). 

I don't really mind the increase in insulin dosages. I already have to give myself the injections, so the "amount" I inject doesn't matter. I'm just glad we're not adding more injections. Luckily my breakfast and lunch glucose levels are really good, so we don't have to add another insulin dosage before lunch -- which I'm hoping to not have to add ever! 

Overall, the appointment was quick and easy. The funny part of having my son there is that I had to pee in a cup. Who would've thought that having a 3 year old there would have that cause potential craziness -- as he wanted to play with the cup. Ugh. Gross. He also was playing with switches and turned the music to its highest volume in the doctor's office -- startling us. Not to mention him running around like mad and not following directions. 

Boys will be boys! And I'm about to have two of them. LOL. 

OH -- and not MFM appointment related... But, I think I officially experienced my first Braxton Hicks contractions today! I was laying down during my son's nap time and my stomach got really tight. It didn't hurt or anything. Then it went away and came back a few more times. Very strange feeling. I kind of wanted to freak out about it... but I knew they were going to come eventually. I'll just mention it at my OB appointment next week and see what they say. 

Next Steps: 4/11 Diabetes follow-up and Growth Ultrasound 

29w+0d: Elective 3D/4D Ultrasound, Take 1

I was so excited about my elective 3d/4d ultrasound, but it didn't go quite as planned! I had the ultrasound yesterday.

I invited a few close friends to come to the ultrasound, thought it would be fun to have them see the baby. Plus, it was going to be my son's first time "seeing" baby brother -- I haven't brought him to any of my ultrasounds since they last so long and there's no way he'd be able to sit through an entire appointment.

Baby boy was extremely active an hour before the elective u/s. His 10 kick counts were done within 6 minutes, which I counted right after breakfast. I was a little worried that he wouldn't be as active during the u/s and... he wasn't! I tried eating candy and drinking juice -- but it didn't work, he was comfy and didn't want to move.

We got to see a few things: his ear, his chubby cheek, his arm, his leg, his spine, his heart. But he wouldn't get into position to get a good picture of his face. He's still head down and likes to bury his face in my placenta. The ultrasound tech was a little rough with the ultrasound probe -- trying to get him to move, but no luck. She tried flashing a light on my tummy, playing music on my tummy, having me move around, etc. Nothing worked. We tried for an hour.

So, no cool pictures of the baby's face and no cool movements were seen. Which is so weird because at my doctor appointments we usually have the opposite issue -- where he moves too much and they can't get the measurements they want!

I get a free re-scan that I'm going to go to in 2 weeks. I was a little bummed that my friends didn't get to see his face or get to see him move! But they seemed to enjoy the experience at least!

I did get a heartbeat animal, which my son helped us pick out: 

We also got a few gifts for baby brother from a few of our friends :)

I wish things would've went better at the ultrasound, but not much can be done if baby boy was tired and or sleeping! Hoping to have better luck next time.

29 Weeks Pregnant!

How far along: 29 weeks. 9 weeks (63 days) to go for possible delivery at 38 weeks. Can't believe I'm only a week away from 30 weeks. For some reason THIRTY weeks feels like a big milestone. 

How big is baby: Acorn Squash. Ovia app: 

Weight Gain: +6 lbs. 

Stretch Marks: Getting a little more pronounced stretch marks now. My son even asked about them. 

Symptoms: Nothing new. Same old stuff: fatigue, aches/pains, tired, pregnancy brain, etc. 

Sleeping: Is it possible to get up even MORE at night time? Argh. It seems that 12am / 2am / 4am are my peeing hours. Hard to make it more than 2 hours without getting up. With having to get up so much, my sleep is suffering big time. Insomnia and just a hard time winding down and going to sleep in the first place. 

Food cravings: The never ending chocolate craze...!!! Argh. 

Food aversions: No. 

Maternity Clothes: Nothing new. 

Movement: Baby boy has had very strong movements this week, where it sometimes feels like it rocks my entire body! It also feels like he's everywhere all at the same time. I always wonder what he's doing in there. 

What I did / Got for Baby: This week went by so fast. No specific baby tasks progress. I think I've done all I could do until mid-April or so. 

What I miss: Eating without guilt! 

Workouts: :( 

What I'm looking forward to: Finishing all the baby prep stuff. 

Best moment of the week: I went grocery shopping with my son and he rode in one of those "car" carts. He looked at the spot next to him and asked me, "Where's baby brother?" Like baby brother normally sits there or something. LOL. I told him, "Baby brother's in Mama's tummy." Then we got back to, "Ma ate baby brother? Ma, why did you eat my baby brother?" Got to love how 3 year olds think. 

Rants/Raves: Just a general rant. Going into the office this week was so exhausting!! Almost felt like I was hit by a train. Getting up at 4am when I'm having insomnia and not sleeping that well in general, then the one hour commute, then having after work appointments for my son or me -- I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of being tired! 

Appointments Next Week: 3/28 MFM diabetes follow-up and I have my birthing class next Saturday 4/1! 

28w+6d: Monthly OB Appointment

Had my monthly OB visit today. Stats:

• Weight: +6 lbs 
• Blood Pressure: 124/82
• Fetal Heart Tones: 148 bpm 

I received my "Third Trimester Instructions" document that includes: 

• Warnings: information on pre-term labor, pre-eclampsia, fetal movement, and doing labs. 
• Things to get done: 
• Sign up for childbirth classes -- DONE
• Sign up for breastfeeding class -- DONE
• Infant CPR -- already have my CPR license 
• Install baby's carseat -- going to wait until May to do this. 
• Research cord blood banking -- already decided against this. 
• Choose a pediatrician -- already done, going to use my son's pediatrician 
• FMLA -- need to bring paperwork to the OB. Not sure when to do this? My HR department told me I don't need to file paperwork with them until I'm a few weeks before my due date. Wonder if I can get the paperwork ahead of time or something? 
• Labor Instructions: yikes. 
• Vitamin K in Newborns: never heard of this, so interesting to read about it. 
• DTAP Vaccine: need to get this done. 

Nothing crazy special went on during the OB visit. Which is nice, as things have been pretty uneventful in my pregnancy for the last few weeks (fingers crossed it stays that way). I did get the "all clear" to get a prenatal massage -- so I'm excited about that! I just need to find the TIME to go. My schedule is just looking so cluttered right now. I've been getting some twitches in my legs and some charlie horses, that I spoke to the OB about. 

They also took some blood from me to test for stuff. I forget what she said they were testing for. They took 3 vials of blood... and it's been so long since I've had blood taken, that it was almost a "panic" thing for me! Ugh. I wish it wasn't like that, but needles have just been bothering me lately with my insulin injections. I normally don't have an issue watching the insulin needle go in -- but lately, I've just been closing my eyes and injecting it. Otherwise, I flinch if I watch. Talk about needle-phobia. Ugh. 

This was my last monthly visit, as now I'm moving to every 2 weeks. Then, at 32 weeks I'm going to have to go every week - TWICE a week. I asked if I can do the appointments at one time, OB said nope. I'll have an ultrasound and NST (non-stress test) done. I can choose to go to the MFM or the OB for these... I would like to do them at my MFM, but her office is further away, so I might opt to go to the OB to make it easier for me and save time. I'm a little concerned about juggling all the appointments: 

• Every 2 weeks for the OB - general visit 
• Every 2 weeks for the MFM - diabetes discussion 
• Every 4 weeks for the MFM - growth ultrasound (45-60 minutes) 
• Then at 32 weeks - 2 visits for an ultrasound (20-30 minutes) and for a NST (20-30 minutes) 

Not to mention just regular work stuff... regular life stuff... other appointments for my son... just so many appointments -- and just so very tired... 

But the nice thing is, I'm getting the care I need to ensure I have a healthy pregnancy and my baby boy is healthy. Got to focus on the positive! 

Next OB Appointment: 4/5 (I'll be 30 weeks) 

28 Weeks Pregnant

Sometimes I'm surprised when I can write one of these weekly blog entries saying that I've made it ONE MORE WEEK! The pregnancy still feels so surreal to me. Like I know in my mind it's happening, but at times it still doesn't feel like it's happening. 

I came across this and thought it was interesting: 

Now, here's your body pre-pregnancy. Crazy how bunched up your organs get. Amazing what the female body can do. 

How far along: 28 Weeks. 10 more weeks (70 days) until possible induction at 38 weeks. 

How big is baby: Eggplant. Ovia app: 

Weight Gain: +7 lbs 

Stretch Marks: Nothing new. 

Symptoms: Nothing terribly new. Still aches and pains. Sometimes feels like my tummy is very heavy. I have been getting some weird twitches in my legs. 

Sleeping: Nothing new. Still insomnia. Still getting up 1-2x's a night. Still getting weird pains if I move too fast. 

Food cravings: The never ending ice cream and chocolate cravings... 

Food aversions:  Nope. 

Maternity Clothes: Last week I mentioned I bought these underwear that also work as a belly support. I used them this week and I LOVE them, absolutely LOVE them!!! They're thin, so not too hot -- and they provide the right kind of support I prefer under a skirt/dress. I'm thinking of buying a few more... but am trying to curb my spending on clothes right now! I mentioned I bought some clothes that can be used post-pregnancy and for nursing purposes. I also bought some Maxi dresses to help me get through the hot weather. Can I just say... Maxi dresses are like the BEST clothing item EVER while pregnant. They're loose, cute, comfortable, and keep you cool. I would buy a million maxi dresses if I could. 

I saw some nursing bras/tank tops on sale, so I got two nursing bras and one tank top. I really like the bras - they are strangely comfortable! Didn't realize my current bras were "not" comfortable until I tried on the nursing bras. These ones are really nice because they "expand" with you. They're not top-of-the-line, but I like that I have some ready. 

Movement: Feeling baby boy move pretty consistently. Some pretty strong kicks every now and then. Some days he's more active than others. The days he's not so active, I do worry... I try not to! But it's hard. 

What I did / Got for Baby:  

• Laundry. I finally received some baby detergent and decided I was tired of seeing all the baby clothes "to be washed" sitting in the crib. I did 3 full loads of laundry: NB clothes, 0-3 month clothes, receiving blankets, blankets, burp cloths, bibs, boppy covers, etc. Now, I didn't factor in the "folding" of the clothes when I started the laundry! It took me 3 days to fold and sort everything into categories.  
• Storage Bins. I bought storage bins to store the baby's stuff in to keep on the changing table in my bedroom. I'll eventually post a picture of the baby's "corner" in my room when it's all done. 
• Sorted Clothes. I started sorting through my son's clothes and ended up putting them in containers. They were previously in vacuum sealed bags -- but I found that to not be so convenient. I prefer the clear containers for the clothes - easy to visually see and stack. I'm also went through my clothes and put clothes that: 1) I can't fit while pregnant, 2) won't work for nursing, and 3) are not summer clothes -- into vacuum sealed bags. 
• Kitchen. I mentioned I'm nesting a bit... well, I've been working on the kitchen. Sorting, organizing, purchasing, re-organizing. Not specifically "for" baby -- but has to do with being organized for when baby does come! The kitchen is pretty much all done and organized. I still need to clean out the freezer though, things just get buried in there. 

What I miss: Being able to sit comfortably. 

Workouts: cleaning and nesting count, right? 

What I'm looking forward to: my 3D/4D ultrasound. 

Best moment of the week: Seeing baby boy on the ultrasound and watching him move his little lips. 

Rants/Raves: Rave - I received two boxes from Amazon this week. Amazon isn't really good about putting "who" things are from and I had to go online to find out who bought items off my registry! A friend was so nice to buy baby boy a swing and bouncer. Thanks Steph!

I always like to put things together once I get them (in case something is missing or broken), so I put them together and went ahead and started setting up the baby's "corner" downstairs. The bouncer is temporarily sitting in the pack-n-play for space-saving. I rearranged the living room to make room for the baby corner. My son's toys are in the opposite corner. 

Can I just admit a very embarrassing thing? It took me longer than expected to put the swing together. Combined with being tired -- and the screws just not going in as easily as I would have preferred -- it took me FOREVER! I cried... ugh. But I must've put it together correctly because my son, who is OVER the weight limit for the swing, decided he wanted to sit in the swing when I wasn't looking. It didn't fall apart, so I'm guessing that's a win for proper assembly! :)

Another random "Rave" is that I'm loving the nesting thing. I've been so fatigued throughout the entire pregnancy and just so unmotivated. Now, I'm "motivated" -- but get so freaking tired after I excerpt myself -- but I'm getting a lot done. Like, I think this is the first time in a VERY long time that the laundry for the week was folded and put away daily vs. a marathon folding weekend. Not to mention the kitchen looks great! Yay for that. As I mentioned, spurts of motivated energy are nice. But I totally need a nap afterward.

Appointments Next Week: 3/24 last monthly OB appointment before moving to every 2 weeks. 3/25 my 3D/4D elective ultrasound. 

27w+3d: MFM Diabetes Follow-up and Growth Ultrasound

I had my MFM diabetes follow-up and growth ultrasound yesterday. What's funny is, my appointment was actually scheduled for TODAY and not yesterday! So I must've put it in my phone wrong or something. Luckily they had an opening and were able to see me, but then I ended up being there for over 2 hours... but I suppose that was my fault for showing up a day early to my appointment.

Stats:

• Weight: +7 lbs 
• Blood Pressure: 132/72

Getting a little worried about my blood pressure. I've always had really good blood pressure levels, until the last few appointments. They're not too worried about it, but they are keeping an eye on it. They want to make sure it doesn't get to 140/90. The concern is preeclampsia. I'm at higher risk of developing that because of my diabetes. 

Growth Ultrasound 

This ultrasound I wasn't too concerned about. I can consistently feel baby boy move, so I know he's doing OK in there. The focus of the ultrasound was to see how big he's gotten. Here are the stats: 

• Weight: estimated at 2 lbs, 7 oz. 
• Overall Percentile: 43rd 
• Head Circumference percentile: 94th! Yikes. 
• Measuring about a week ahead 

Baby boy has already turned. It'll be seen if he stays that way. He still has plenty of room to move around. His head was pretty low and we had a hard time getting the head circumference. Supposedly, since he was at an odd angle -- they said the percentile is probably inaccurate. But they also said it's ok if his head is big, that he should still fit through in a vaginal birth... I was thinking, "Ouch." 

It was fun watching baby boy move around and not cooperate with the ultrasound tech. We ended up taking over an hour to get all his measurements and all looks good with him. We got to see him trying to take a breathe, which is really good and on target! He was also moving his lips like he was suckling, it was really cute to watch!! I almost didn't get a picture of his face because he had his face buried in my placenta most of the time. He finally moved slightly and we got a 3D image of him. You can see his little lips, his button nose, and he's starting to get cheeks. It's so weird looking at his picture in wonderment that I actually helped make this little guy. It's funny though, he doesn't look like he's going to have any of my facial features! Have to see when he comes out, but he kind of resembles big brother in a way. 

Always good to have an ultrasound and hear that everything looks good and that baby boy is doing well. 

Diabetes Update 

The last few weeks have been a huge struggle for me... eating wise -- tracking wise -- and motivation wise. I haven't done a great job. I'm glad I could laugh with my MFM because we got into a laughing fit over discussing my diabetes log. I was just honest about it -- no self control, ice cream is too tempting, and I'm just so tired of monitoring/logging. I've been at this since October-ish. I don't complain about it much, as I know it's necessary... But it does take a toll on me. 

We are making some adjustments to my meds: 

• Morning: Insulin N increase to 28 iu, Insulin R increase to 12 iu
• Evening (before dinner): Insulin R increase to 12 iu
• Evening (before bed): Insulin N increase to 48 iu 

With the baby getting bigger, my MFM did say that the insulin will keep increasing. Also, she said that even if you're perfect -- once you hit the 3rd trimester the sugars can get a little wonky. So, best to do my best with monitoring and food choices. 

So, I need to suck it up and just get it done. I just might whine and complain while I'm doing it! I'm dreaming about my first eats after baby boy is born... oh the things I will eat! 

Next Steps: 

1. Next Week - email diabetes log to MFM. In an attempt to keep me "honest" and motivated, I'm going to email my diabetes log to my MFM next week. 
2. 3/28: Diabetes follow-up appointment
3. 4 weeks (not scheduled yet): Diabetes follow-up and growth ultrasound. 

After my next growth ultrasound, I'll be transitioning to weekly appointments with a non-stress test (NST) and ultrasound -- which is also me hitting the 32 week marker in the pregnancy. This can either be one appointment or two... I'm hoping for one weekly. 

27w+3d: Antenatal Depression Therapist Intake

I had my intake with the therapist this morning regarding the antenatal depression. I'm not sure if I'm going to like the therapist or not, hard to tell with just the intake.

First impressions of the therapy practice: they're really busy! Had a bunch of people in there first thing this morning. I had to wait a little past my appointment time before I got to go in. Therapist kept an eye on the clock the entire time. The office location is also pretty far from my house, I'd prefer something closer.

The intake questions were weird to answer because it's hard to say what is pregnancy-related vs. life-related.

Will see how this goes. I scheduled my first therapy appointment. I'm willing to give this a try at least through postpartum.

The issue I have is the time commitment. I already have so many appointments, which are just going to start increasing the further along I get.

The other issue I have is, I don't know if therapy is really going to help me. I guess I haven't had good experiences in the past, so I'm skeptical. Some people interview therapists to find a good one, but I just don't have the time/energy to do that right now.

As I said though, I'll give it a try and see what happens.

Next Steps: 4/7/17 1st appointment

27 Weeks Pregnant - Entering my 7th Month and Last/3rd Trimester

It feels kind of surreal that I'm entering the "final" trimester of pregnancy. I'm entering my 7th month and the 3rd trimester. Many times I wondered if I would ever get past the 1st trimester... then I worried if I'd ever make it out of the 2nd trimester... now, here I am -- almost in the final stretch of things. It still doesn't feel real in a way, like this is really not happening. 

How far along: 27 Weeks. 11 weeks (77 days) to possible induction at 38 weeks. It's funny, I've been getting a lot of questions on why my MFM wants to induce me at 38 weeks. I'll save this for another entry, but there are many complications with a diabetic pregnancy -- and it's better to not go past 38/39 weeks. Although I'd love to have a "normal" L&D experience, my entire journey to get here hasn't been normal! So... if my MFM says we need to induce -- I'm not going to fight it at all. She knows best. 

How big is baby: Lettuce. Ovia app: 

Weight Gain: +2 lbs? No official weigh-in this week. 

Stretch Marks: Nothing new. 

Symptoms: I've been getting some extreme breast pain, especially in my right breast. My breasts have been sensitive this entire pregnancy, but this week the sensitivity level went up quite a bit. I've also been getting "itchy" on certain places on my face. It's so weird...! I try not to itch, but end up itching before I even realize it. Ugh. Another thing is something called the "snissles" AKA sneezing and peeing a little. Yeah, it's a thing and not a fun thing. When I'm awake, I normally have to pee every hour or I get highly uncomfortable and risk some embarrassing things if I do have to sneeze! 

Sleeping: I've tried adding more pillows. I sleep with my maternity pillow -- then a normal pillow  on top of that to lift my head up (congestion issues) -- then I added my regular body pillow to help prop my legs. You'd think I'd feel claustrophobic with all those pillows, but it's actually pretty comfortable. I noticed that I can't move a certain way or I get those pains in my groin/stomach. I've been very careful when switching positions/sides. Still peeing 1-2x's a night. I try not to get up to pee, but then I end up tossing and turning more, so what's the use? Better to go than to just be up trying not to get up to go. You know. 

Food cravings: Salsa and Ice Cream. Will this torture ever end???!! I've been pretty bad and letting myself enjoy these cravings. My glucose levels look horrible because of it... But I can't be perfect all the time... ugh. 

Food aversions: I had a weird reaction to eggs one day... I think it was the way it was cooked or something, it just didn't sit right. I hadn't felt that way since 1st trimester food aversion hell. Which is so weird because I eat eggs almost every single day right now and don't normally get that reaction. I try not to cook my eggs like that anymore. 

Maternity Clothes: Well, it's a funny thing. The weather is already HOT. Good, but not good. I don't want to invest in maternity-specific clothing at this point, since I only have about 11 weeks left. I went through my clothes and some of my dresses/tops/skirts will definitely work for the remainder of the pregnancy. However, not enough to make it through a full week of clothing wear. So... I decided to buy some new clothes -- which can be stupid at this point. But I ordered clothes at my normal clothing stores. I bought clothes that I would normally wear. The thing I kept in mind is: will it work for the rest of the pregnancy? and -- will it work for nursing? The answer is yes and yes. So, I only bought new clothes that 1) I would wear normally and can wear post-pregnancy, 2) will work for the remainder of the pregnancy, and 3) I can use while nursing. Will see how this goes. I hate wasting money, but I truly need more clothing options. 

I did buy one specific "maternity" clothes item: a pair of underwear that also can be a tummy support. I tried using my tummy support under my dress/skirt and it made me so hot! The damn hot flashes and the extra material, I was sweating so bad -- it was gross. So, not sure if that's going to work for me with the weather already getting so warm. I'll see if this underwear/maternity belly support works better. The material is lighter. Sometimes I don't think I really need the tummy support, but other times it feels better to have it on. 

Movement: I'm feeling baby boy move much more now. It's funny because sometimes he's doing all these weird things and I feel him all over the place. There are times when he's completely sideways and I feel him moving on both sides. Then, the next minute I'll feel him pushing on my bottom and feel him under my ribs. Other times he's diagonal. It's pretty crazy. There are times when his kicks are so hard that my entire tummy moves. It's pretty amazing and strange at the same time. 

What I did / Got for Baby:  I think I'm on my way to truly "nesting." I scheduled a bunch of home maintenance things that I've been putting off: annual AC checkup/cleaning, plumbing, getting a quote on house painting, thinking about getting the carpets cleaned. I've also started making my way through the house to declutter and get more organized. I'm focused on the kitchen right now and going through a drawer at a time. I was going to start with the garage... but the heat and heavy lifting has dissuaded me. It's also the area that needs the most help! I'll get to that eventually. 

I've also been freaking out a little bit about the birth... just worried that something will happen to me and what that would mean. So, I decided to make major changes to my Will, Living Trust, and my Healthcare Power of Attorneys. It's in the works -- just waiting for them to complete it and for me to go in and sign. 

I bought a bunch of storage containers and I'm going to go through my son's old clothes (again) and sort them a little better. Also, going to add labels with the sizes. Baby boy is going to inherit a lot of these clothes, so I also need to get rid of the ones that are a little too worn. Need to also categorize the seasons. I'm hoping that perhaps baby boy will still be able to use most of the clothes. My son is tall, but really thin. So he has been so weird on his sizes. The boys will also be born in different seasons. Will see how it all works out. 

I rescheduled my maternity shoot to May, when I'll be 36 weeks. My mom will be in town, so I'm looking forward to getting pictures with her in them. I'm thinking we can get pampered and get our hair/makeup done beforehand! I'm going to budget for it. It'll be relaxing and fun. 

I talked to HR about the maternity leave policy in more detail. I think I understand things a lot better now and am not so worried if I end up delivering a little early. I also understand how the short term disability works better. 

I've asked my son's God Father if he would be the God Father for the new baby. He said YES! I'm so excited! I still need to ask my son's God Mother, but waiting until I see her in-person. I was going to go with different God Parents for both of the kids, but it feels right for them to have the same God Parents to me. 

I forgot to mention that I went to the dentist the other week. Yeah, pregnancy puts a toll on your gums! That's for sure. The dentist said your saliva is thicker when pregnant or something. I had a lot of build up that I normally don't have, she said that's why. So weird. I am having a bit of pregnancy gingivitis and bleeding gums. Fun stuff... 

The new stroller arrived! Not sure if I mentioned it, but there was a recall on my previous stroller and they sent me a brand new one - the 2017 B-Ready Britax Stroller. Originally, I wasn't thrilled about getting a new stroller -- I was happy with my other one. But when I put it together... I'm so in love with it! Also, my son loves it and helped put it together and tested out all the seat options :) 

What I miss:  Being able to move without aches/pains. 

Workouts: I've been doing more home chores and getting out more-- that makes me walk more. Does that count? 

What I'm looking forward to: My next ultrasound. 

Best moment of the week: Putting the stroller together with my son. 

Rants/Raves: 

Rant -- some people are a*holes. One of my co-workers actually YELLED at me during one of our conference calls because she was having a bad day and didn't want to wait for me to finish what I was saying (she was assuming I was attacking her maybe?). It took SO MUCH control out of me to keep my voice calm, correct her with what she was saying, then finish my suggestion for a fix. Did she apologize? Nope. So lame. What's funny is, my suggestion has now been implemented. Yup, I'm a problem solver and I solved one of her problems -- so don't yell at me! Who yells at people in a professional environment? And on top of that -- someone that's pregnant? WTH. I can never understand this company. Some of the people are straight up jerks. Me being pregnant and going through all this antenatal depression crap, once I hung up -- I started crying these big alligator tears I was so upset and angry. Man... if this company didn't have good benefits, good work-life flexibility, and didn't pay me well -- I'd leave. BUT, making big choices when emotionally imbalanced while pregnant is not something I'm going to do right now! But it is something I'm thinking about for "later" to consider.  I wish I could just yell back and say "f* you!" and hang up! Ugh. Being as emotional as I've been, I'm surprised I was able to stay calm and stay professional without giving into the temptation to show my bitchy side. 

Rave -- I received a gift card from an old college friend that received my announcement card (that I sent over New Years). It was so unexpected and sweet, that I cried! Yeah, crying is like a normal daily thing these days. I think that was "officially" my first baby gift I received. I've gotten books and stuff as gifts, but not something "for" the baby. It was really nice and thoughtful. Especially since I'm not that close to her and we only see each other every so often at Homecoming. 

Appointments Next Week:  Tuesday, 3/14 -- MFM appointment with a growth ultrasound and my first therapist appointment regarding the antenatal depression. I'm hoping to be able to talk sh*t about my co-worker that yelled at me. J/K sorta. It really does bother me that she thought it was OK to yell at me. 

New Family Dynamics

One wonderful thing that has happened since I have gotten pregnant is that I have reconnected with my mom and my little brother. I posted about it in December (click here). I haven't had much time to write about it because of all the other "life" stuff going on.

But long story short, I hadn't been in contact with my mom and my little brother for nearly 8 years. Very long and complicated family drama story. I didn't grow up with my mom, my dad raised my older brother and me and my parents divorced when I was 5 years old. My little brother is my half-brother (we have different dads), so we didn't really grow up together.

I always had a rocky relationship with my mom. We were just so different. I think we both tried in our own ways, but cultural differences and just not really knowing one another -- we were never able to get a long for long periods of time and were never able to bridge the gaps between us.

My mom has always wanted to be a grandma and had been mentioning it to my older brother for years (assuming he would be the first to have kids -- which he hasn't yet). Well, since she was out of contact with me for the last 8 years -- she had no clue that I adopted my son until she learned about it over Thanksgiving. Her fault really... since she was completely out of contact for the 8 years and we had no way to get ahold of her.

When we met up for the first time, I was a little overwhelmed because my mom all of a sudden was inviting herself to visit for Christmas and to the birth of my baby. I wasn't sure how committed she was going to be to actually following through with any of this, but so far she has.

My mom and little brother came out for a few days around Christmas. It was really nice having them here. It's been so long since I've felt like I had "family" that it was a little shock to my system. It was so very nice having them here and spending time with them, that when they left I was pretty sad. I didn't realize how different it was to have "family" around, since I can't remember the last time I felt like I had a family. It was also so fun having them get to know my son and my son getting to know them.

Now, the plan is for my mom to come out for the baby's birth. At first, I wasn't sure I really wanted her to be there... honestly though, the thought didn't "bother" me really. The fact that my mom WANTS to be there and WANTS to be a grandma and WANTS to be around my kids -- makes me happy. So far, she's been really great and supportive.

I do have a few issues with my mom and all of these sudden changes. 1) All the sudden "mom advice" I'm receiving and 2) Her making plans without checking with me first.

#1: Mom Advice.

As I mentioned, I haven't had the best relationship with my mom. Most of my life she wasn't there to give me any sage motherly advice. Now, all of a sudden I'm in my late 30's and pregnant for the first time, my mom is back in my life and she wants to give me all this "advice." Which is nice and all, if we had that sort of relationship, but we don't... I'm not used to being mothered. As I mentioned, my mom wasn't there when I was growing up. So, it's a little hard for me to take her advice in stride.

Some of her stuff are silly things -- very superstitious things -- due to her cultural background. I find most of it funny. But with being pregnant, the constant advice and non-medically-based advice at that --- gets extremely annoying. Especially since I've had a hard pregnancy and I understand my high risk factors. I get irritated pretty easily with it. I'm trying not to, but I'm just not as patient as I used to be. For example, she writes off almost everything my MFM says and has her own interpretation of things. She also has these far off theories on why I had my bleeding episodes and how the Insulin impacts the baby. She also has a very strong opinion on if the baby gets circumcised. All great I guess, but I've already made my decisions on things and I don't like that she tries to change my mind. Which I suppose most mothers try to do? I wouldn't know since I've never really had a mother around...

#2: Making Plans 

I'm a big planner and like to be as prepared as I can be in any given circumstance. It's how I've always been since I was a kid. I plan and plan and plan. I love check-lists, I love to calendarize, I love to be prepared. As a parent, I've learned to roll with the punches as much as I can. So, when I got pregnant -- I already had made plans for the birth. Who would be there, who would take me to the hospital, who would take care of my son, who would take care of my dog, etc. Basic things were taken care of. Of course this was before I reconnected with my mom.

Now, my mom keeps making these plans -- without talking to me first. I know she means well and all. I don't think she means to stress me out about it. But she invited my little brother to come visit when the baby is born so he could help with my son. Ok... I can deal with one other guest and it would be more convenient to have my son be home vs going to stay with someone. Plus, I get along really well with my little brother -- not to mention my son just adores him to pieces.

Then, my mom mentioned that my big brother and his girlfriend were going to also come. Like what? I've mentioned my older brother a few times in my blog, but he's not the most reliable. He's also let me down a bunch of times over the years. The times I've talked about him coming to visit, he actually had excuses why he wouldn't or couldn't come. So, I was surprised to hear this from my mom. In hindsight, I wonder if my mom is just being hopeful that my big brother will "come around" or something?

I only have a 3 bedroom house, so fitting in 4 extra people plus a new baby -- is a bit of tight fit. They'd all be on air mattresses and sleeping in my loft or living room, since the bedrooms are taken. Do-able, yes... But stressful for me, yes...

My mom has also invited herself to stay at my house over the holidays for 2 months to spend the baby's first holidays with us. Great in theory... and great she wants to come visit... but again, didn't ask - just assumed it would be ok. So now I have to reconsider our annual visit to California -- which we normally take during November or December. Little things it seems, but major changes for me.

I will say that --> I'm not making a big deal about any of this to my mom. She wants to be there and I'm grateful for that. She's missed a lot out of my life and I'm extremely happy that she's committed to being a grandma to my children. It's just a huge adjustment for me since I'm so used to doing things on my own and I'm used to people arranging visits with me first before making plans.

So it's an interesting time for me. I'm learning to have a mom in my life and having more of a "family" feel with my mom and little brother. But it also just puts me in a weird mental place because I've come to terms with our family drama and have moved on without them. Now, they're back all of a sudden. Not to mention that the "family drama" that's happened over the years was mainly my mom's doing. She hasn't been the most stable person. So far she hasn't brought any "drama" into our lives, she just wants to be there and I completely understand that. I just don't know how long the no-drama thing will last. Maybe it will? Maybe it won't?  I guess I'm a little worried that it'll all go to crap again and my kids will be impacted... I'm also not used to relying on anyone and it's hard for me to let that go.

A lot of adjustments for me to make... not to mention all the other stuff with the high risk pregnancy, the anxiety, the antenatal depression. I won't even go into normal "life" things on top of all that. It sometimes just feels like a lot is riding on my shoulders.

Overall, I'm grateful for this change in my family and hopeful that it's leading us to build a good strong family structure for my boys.

I thought this was funny and it kinda sorta fits my family right now! :)

26 Weeks Pregnant

How far along: 26 Weeks. One more week until the 3rd Trimester! 

How big is baby: Kale. Ovia app: 

Weight Gain: +2 lb (with sneakers and clothes on). 

Stretch Marks: Nothing new. 

Symptoms: Having pretty bad hot flashes. Also, still feeling completely drained. I think I also might have experienced some Braxton Hicks (BH) contractions, but nothing for sure. A few lightning crotch episodes as well. 

Sleeping: Nothing "new," meaning I'm still not sleeping the best. 

Food cravings: Ice cream and chicken wings! 

Food aversions: None. 

Maternity Clothes: Nothing new. 

Movement: Feeling movement pretty consistently. Sometimes I can feel it on the outside, but not all the time. There was one day that I freaked a bit because I couldn't really feel baby boy moving as much as normal. I think he was higher up than he normally is and was maybe hiding under my anterior placenta. 

What I did / Got for Baby: The baby's co-sleeper arrived! But it came with the wrong leg extenders, so I had to return the leg extenders. I set up the co-sleeper already, so I could make sure everything was OK with it. I plan to connect it to my bed in April after I get the new/correct leg extenders. I'll finish my registry in April when I get the completion coupon on Amazon. 

I also ended up deciding to do the elective ultrasound. A friend said, "This is a once in a lifetime thing" and that got me thinking -- what the heck, I'll move forward and do it. Now I'm really excited about it! I have it scheduled for 3/25. 

What I miss: Having energy. 

Workouts: No, but I got out and walked a bit to attend an event. 

What I'm looking forward to: My next ultrasound. 

Best moment of the week: My son had his head on my tummy and he was talking to baby brother. Then baby boy must've kicked or something because my son jumped up and looked at my tummy suspiciously. LOL. I asked him if he felt baby brother and he said, "yeah." But he refused to put his head down on my tummy again. He did sing Twinkle Twinkle to the baby, which was really adorable. 

Rants/Raves: None this week. 

Appointments Next Week: None! 

100 More Days!

100 more days until "40 weeks." I've been watching the days tick by on the BabyBump app since I first got my positive pregnancy test. I'll be "officially" hitting double digits tomorrow on the countdown. 

I know technically I am already at less than 100 days, but it's kind of exciting to finally see the tracker's numbers get lower. 

If you've been reading along my blog, you know that I've been struggling throughout my pregnancy with so many things that were out of my control. Due to this, I've been struggling with anxiety and antenatal depression. It's not really how I imagined pregnancy to be like and not how people expect you to feel like when pregnant. But I've struggled nonetheless. 

With so many struggles throughout the pregnancy, it was so hard to let myself imagine this beautiful "beginning" to the end of my pregnancy because I was just focused on staying pregnant and ensuring my baby boy was healthy. 

The last few days I've started to allow myself a "glimpse" of that wished for happiness... it's starting to look like things may end up OK at the end of all this. Which also is a little bit scary to think about because I feel like I'm letting my guard down in a way - this protective barrier that I've encased myself in "just in case" the worse were to happen. 

In any case, I've started to let myself think of these wonderful firsts: 

Hearing my baby boy cry for the first time. 

Seeing him for the first time. 

Holding him for the first time. 

When my boys meet for the first time. 

Bringing my baby boy home for the first time. 

Learning to breastfeed for the first time. 

Having both of my boys home for the first time. 

The whole reason I started my TTC journey was to get to that point - to add to my family, celebrate and welcome this wonderful new life.  

It's starting to feel so very close to becoming a reality that sometimes the joy feels so overwhelming and I ask myself, "Is this really happening?" 

My pregnancy has not been what I hoped or imagined it would be like. But all of that doesn't matter as long as at the end of all this -- my baby boy is healthy - safe - loved - cared for - and happy. 

Less than 100 days to go.......!