MAPP Training, Session #3

This week’s session focused on loss/attachment. As I get deeper into the MAPP training, I’m discovering more about myself. I didn’t think that was possible, I thought I knew me pretty well! What I discovered from this class is that I really need to take a deep dive into my past and really contemplate all my personal losses that I’ve experienced. These life events can either assist me in being a good foster parent or they can hinder me.  

A life event I’ve experienced can be considered a strength and assist me in helping a child that is experiencing a similar incident. I need to become more aware of what these strengths are in order to be able to identify the children I can best benefit.

Another takeaway is that I need to look at my weaknesses. Weaknesses are not necessarily negative. Weaknesses are areas where I’m lacking experience or knowledge. By identifying these items, I can begin to address them. Either I can build on the lack of knowledge by attending training sessions, learning more about it, reading books, etc. Or in other cases, find resources to fill the gap. I can possibly turn these weaknesses into strengths.

The point is, all the children that are in foster care have needs. I may not have the expertise to help them or I may not be the best resource for a specific child due to their circumstances and my lack of knowledge. By examining my life experiences and building on my weaknesses, I can determine where I can best be utilized and the types of children that I can be the best resource for.

This training is really eye opening. You really have to look at yourself. Who you are. What you’ve been through. Some people might think that’s an easy thing to do. I thought it was too! I’ve over-examined my life so much over the years. Going through this training, it’s really making me look at my life through a different perspective. Experiences that were difficult for me are now becoming assets and tools.

It’s only now that I’m truly learning what it means to be a foster parent and the responsibilities that come with that. The more I know where my strengths and weaknesses are, the better equipped I’ll feel. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I really do feel like I’m gaining the tools and resources to be as ready as I can be without the direct experience.  

Still on Step #3... Training Session #2.

I finished my second class and am headed into my third class. The second class really got to me, it took all my restraint not to cry during the session. They showed a video of foster children talking about their experience in the system. It just broke my heart... I am determined to be a "good" foster parent! I don't know all of what that means right now. But that's my goal.

Session #2 focused on the Alliance Model. This is the term used to describe the process of building partnerships with everyone involved in the process - either Foster or Adoption. It's crazy how many people are involved in ONE child's life when they enter the system. Imagine how overwhelmed that child can get. If it's confusing for me, I can't even think how a child must feel.

My take-aways from Session #2:

• It's important to work with all the players on the child's case. Including the Case Worker, birth parents, etc.
• There are "good" foster homes and there are "bad" foster homes. I want to learn more about what makes a foster home one or the other, so that I can make sure I never create an environment of a "bad" foster home. It's hard enough for these children, I want to make it easier on them as much as possible.
• Being a Foster Parent, I am going to be an advocate for the children that come into my home. I have to make sure I understand the system, understand the resources that are available, understand the case plan, and that I make sure that I communicate well with all areas.
• I may want to expand my age range of children I will bring into my home to include teens. This is an under served age range.
• It's important for the children to keep their family connections (siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc).
• It's important to focus on strengths/needs rather than behaviors.

From this session, I also decided that I would prepare my home so that I can take more than one child. The importance of siblings staying together really stuck to me. I moved my home office out of my spare room and moved it to the loft. I went out and bought furniture to accommodate 2 children. So, technically my house can take up to 3 children right now. I want the option to be able to take siblings.

So far, each class enforces my decision to foster :)

Step #3: PS-Mapp Training, Session #1

My FIRST training class! It came up very fast. I managed to complete all the paperwork and get the appropriate papers notarized, which wasn't a small task! I was 100% honest with my profile, which was hard to write some things in regards to my childhood questions. I figured that my past is an asset, why sugar-coat it?

We have a full class! I was happy that there were three other singles. All three of them are looking to adopt. The rest are couples. I am probably the youngest person in the class. One of the first things we did in the class was an Ice Breaker. I LOATH ice breakers! Always have. But the way they did it was interesting.

This first meeting was more informative, since it was an overview of the process. We have 2 instructors. One works with the adoption process, the other works with the foster care process. It's good to have both since they provide different prospectives of the children and the needs.

From the first meeting, I was really contemplating if I wanted to Adopt - instead of Foster.I was concerned about my ability to fall in love with a child and still work 100% for them to reunify with their birth family. The path to foster/adopt is the same - to a point. The paperwork is slightly different, but the training is the same for the most part. So I knew I had time to think about it.

After the class, I was excited that I was FINALLY moving forward in the process. I called one of my close friends to talk about the class, she grew up in Foster care. From my conversation with her, I finally decided that I would Foster. There is such a need right now for foster homes and if you do it right, you can help reunify families. Yes, it might be hard for me. But I'm hoping the reward of reunification and helping multiple families will be worthwhile.

My friend is probably my greatest resource. She was able to tell me how she felt, what she went through, what foster parents did that helped, what they did that made it harder, etc. It got me thinking about what kind of Foster Parent I was going to be. What I had to do to make a child comfortable (as they can be) when they first arrive. How I can be the child's advocate. Not being a parent, I knew the road was going to be more difficult having a child living with me full time. So, I started talking to my friends that are parents and getting advice on activities. I also started asking for donations of toys/clothes. I don't have any right now!

Yes, there was going to be a lot to do... the training classes, getting the house ready, gathering toys/clothes, getting mentally prepared on how to interact with the foster children, creating house rules, deciding on what age ranges I feel most appropriate to foster, completing more paperwork, etc. Much, much to do. Most of this I won't really figure out until I actually have my first foster child! I know that preparing will not 100% make me "ready". But I figure, prepping won't hurt. :)

Step #2: My 1st Home Visit with my Licensing Specialist

I was nervous ALL day for my one-hour home visit! Was the house clean enough? I didn't really have much time to thoroughly clean the house. Would the dogs act all crazy? They get over-excited when people come over. Would I get along with the Licensing Specialist? I knew I would be working with this person throughout the training.

From my phone conversation with my Licensing Specialist, I knew we would be doing the following:

1) Going over the paper work.
2) Doing a quick walk-through of the house to see what has to be changed before the lengthy home study.

Turns out I was worried for nothing. The Licensing Specialist is really nice! She works part-time for the agency and has been a foster parent. She was able to share some of her experiences with me. The dogs DID act a bit out of control... but she didn't seem concerned about that. Thank goodness! From the visit, I learned the following:

• PAPERWORK! I had a week and a half to complete a pile of forms. Including a profile, background check, application, etc. Some of the questions in the profile were extremely personal. I didn't know how I felt about providing such personal details to the State on PUBLIC record. Not that I have anything to hide. But there's something about putting it on paper and having it "on record" that bothered me.
• Life-Safety Preparedness. I had to make a lot of changes to my house to be up-to-par with the safety requirements by the State. A few little things, but also some big things. Thankfully I have a few months to get this all together.
• The Number of Foster Kids. There is a limit of the number of foster children a single person (or a couple) can take in. The thing is, you have to have the beds and room. If I wanted to take in more than one child (like a sibling group), I would need to get more furniture. At this point, I only had the furniture to take in one child.

I felt good about the visit. I had a lot of questions answered, I knew what paperwork I had to complete, and I knew what changes I would need to make with my house. Onto the Step #3: First PS-MAPP Meeting/Training.

Step #1: Orientation

The first step to becoming a Foster/Adoptive parent is to attend an orientation with an agency. I have to be honest, I was extremely nervous about attending the orientation. There were no commitments at the time, it was all informational. But still, I was nervous.

The orientation session was really good. If we decided to go with the agency presenting, we just needed to complete a form - and they would get back to us about the first home visit (Step #2). Here is what I learned from the orientation meeting:

• First, I wanted to work with this agency. They impressed me with their responsiveness when I initially called. At the orientation meeting, I was further impressed by their presentation. This was the agency for me. I completed the paper work and returned it before I left the orientation.
• Second, there is a huge need for Foster care in Arizona.
• Third, it was going to be a long process and there was going to be a lot I had to do to prepare to be a Foster Parent.

A few observations/concerns I had at the orientation:

• I was the only single person.
• Most of the couples were looking to adopt.
• There was a lot of criteria around dogs. (I have dogs and was worried that would stop me in the process).
• They had a requirement for 5 references. Two had to be relatives and three non-relatives. I only have one relative that can be a reference.
• I was on the "younger" side of those that attended.

I was able to resolve my concern with my dogs and the reference requirement by speaking to the presenters. Since I completed the paper work, the presenters informed me that the next step, Step #2, was to have a Home Visit from my assigned Licensing Specialist.

Just to show how AMAZING my agency is, I received a phone call from my Licensing Specialist a few days after the orientation meeting! I knew then that I chose the right agency. My orientation was on a Tuesday, my first home visit was THAT Friday. Amazing. Also, I would begin the PS-MAPP training in just 2 weeks! With the response time of the agency, I felt like I was on the "fast-track". No turning back now. 

I want to become a foster parent. Now what?

Making the decision to become a foster parent was easy for me. Every since I was a teenager, I have always known that this would be something I would do. There were a few hurdles for me in taking the next steps:

1. Being Financially Sound
2. Having the "Space"
3. Having the Time/Energy
4. Being Ready Emotionally
5. Figuring out the System

The truth is, items #1 - #3 have not been an issue for me in the past few years. I have a 3-bedroom house that I share with my furry family, my two cats & two dogs. I am doing well financially when I budget correctly (still working on planning for the unexpected). Also, I have plenty of spare time each week.

It was #4 "Being Ready Emotionally" that held me up from moving forward. I didn't feel prepared to take on the immense responsibility of a child. I had my own issues, how can I help someone else? My family issues escalated in the past few years and I felt it was my responsibility to help take care of that. I had issues about how I felt about myself, where I was headed, and what I wanted out of life. I hadn't quite figured it all out or how all the puzzle pieces fit together.

I've always always wanted to build my own family. I always imagined it would be through traditional means - meet a great guy, fall in love, get married, have bio children, foster/adopt kids. However, my life has never led me down a path to have that happen for me. When life didn't follow this plan, I thought I'd develop a "Plan B". Plan B would be having my own baby through alternative methods and build my family that way. Something about that just didn't feel right in my heart. Seemed a bit selfish in a way since there are so many kids already born into the world with no one to love them or provide for them. I'm not implying that everyone that decides to pursue alternative birth methods are "selfish". This only applies to me - how it felt inside of my heart. By no means is it a generalization to the general public. Everyone has a different path and I believe this is mine.

Last month, everything seemed to fall into place. Maybe, just maybe, everything in my life happened for a reason to get me where I am today. The way I grew up, my family dynamics, having another family take me in, etc. If I had everything that I ever wanted, or thought I wanted, out of life - I probably wouldn't be in the position that I am in today or be willing to take in a foster child or adopt. "Everything happens for a reason."

Once I was ready emotionally to take on this responsibility, I had to deal with #5 "Figuring out the System." A few years ago I reached out to a local agency and attended an orientation meeting for Fostering/Adopting. I completed the interest form and returned it to an agency. They called me back and we played phone tag for a few days - then the communication stopped. No word from them. At the time, I had some some family issues going on so it was easy to just stop the process and not pursue any further.

This time around, there was nothing stopping me. I pulled out a listing of agencies and called one that certified for both Foster/Adoption (since I'm still deciding which direction to go). Amazingly, I received a call back within a few hours! Through the phone conversation, I figured out Step #1: Attend an Orientation Meeting. I also received an email (same day) with the orientation dates. I was extremely impressed with their responsiveness and relieved that I was in contact with this particular agency. I added the next orientation date to my calendar.

Everything felt like it was falling into place. I had the means, space, and time. I was emotionally ready to move forward in the process. Now, I was in contact with an agency that was responsive and I had set-up a time to attend the Orientation - the first step in the process. :)

A Little Bit About Me

To understand my journey to becoming a foster/adoptive parent, I think it's imporant to know where I came from and a little bit of historical information about my story.

My Story (Cliff-Notes Version)

I am 30 years old, going on 31 in a few weeks. Some people dread their 30's. I am the opposite, I'm absolutely enjoying it! I am finally in a position to do something that I've always wanted to do - become a foster or adoptive parent. But I will get to that in a future post :) I'm single with no kids.

I did not grow up in the most stable household. We had (and still have) issues in my small family. The one area where I was most fortunate is that I was able to grow up in the same house since I was five. I would not have guessed it at the time, but a family living three houses down from us would have a significant impact on my life.

The neighbors around the corner had five children of their own. These "neighbors" have grown to become family to my older brother and me. They took us in. We went to their family events, we spent almost all the holidays with them, and they were there for us when we had difficulties in our household. A family of seven, taking in two non-related, troubled, neighborhood kids - just out of the kindness of their hearts.

Being an adult, I understand how easy it is to get caught up in your own life and ignore the peripheral. Especially if you have your own family and life to worry about. Who really has the time, strength, or energy to invest in the neighbor's kids? Growing up, I did not realize how unordinary it was for a family to open their home and hearts to other people's children. I am also at fault for focusing on the negative of my life, instead of on the positive. It took me an extremely long amount of time to truly understand the significance of what they did for my brother and I.

Fast forward twenty-five years later, when I talk about my "family" - I'm referring to them.They are the rock in my life, the place I know I belong, they are home for me. I truly feel blessed and fortunate that circumstances occurred the way that they did. They ARE my family. Moving to the small house when I was five was a pivotal moment in my life that would bring me to my "adoptive" family. I  truly do not know where I would be today if I had never met them or if they had never reached out to us.

Why Blog?

Last night I was discussing with a close friend of mine about my first "Partnering for Safety and Permanence - Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting" (PS-MAPP) class. I had so many concerns, questions, and emotions about the process. She suggested that I keep a journal about my experience since there are so many instances in our lives where we forget things, why we took this/that action, thought processes, and feelings/emotions. A blog would be a nice record and a good outlet to express what I'm going through.

I'm not a blogger, this is my first attempt at it. More to come :)