IVF#4: Monitoring Appointment #1

I had my monitoring appointment yesterday. In my early blog entries, I mentioned that my clinic has a "baby wall" that includes pictures of all the babies born with their help. When I went into the exam room, guess who is now on the wall -- my baby boy!!!!

It brought so many emotions seeing his newborn picture on the baby wall. I used to cry looking at the pictures and wondering if I would ever be able to have a baby and if he/she would ever be on the wall... and now he is :) It brought me back to the reality of life and out of the funk that TTC can put you in.

I always love seeing my RE. I showed him some pictures of my boys from the pumpkin patch and he gushed over how big my babies have gotten. He's such a nice guy.

Back to the monitoring appointment... it didn't go so well. From my Piper Patch IVF notebook (https://www.piperpatch.com/):

There are 3 follicles in the right ovary, but they're growing too fast. One is so big, that they aren't counting it - it's most likely a cyst. The 3 on the left are growing at the right pace. So really, working with maybe 5 follicles. My estradiol level was 322.4. 

Just for some comparison, here is what it looked like at my previous cycles: 

Monitoring Appt #1 (Stim Day 5)	IVF #1	IVF #2	IVF #3	IVF #4
Uterine Lining	11.56 mm	5 mm	4.5 mm	N/A
E2	280.5	252	254.5	322.4
Right Ovary Follicle Count	4-5	3	3	2 + Cyst
Left Ovary Follicle Count	2 + Cyst	5	2 + Cyst	3
Total Potential Follicles	6-7	8	5	5

Looking VERY similar to my cancelled IVF #3 cycle... 

So, I'm not really sure what to expect... I knew by my second monitoring appointment that the cycle would be cancelled. I guess we'll see what happens then. But when you think about it... at IVF #2, my stats were: 

• Retrieved 9 eggs, 8 mature, 7 fertilized with ICSI, 4 made it to Blasts. 

My embryos weren't tested... but they were all transferred and resulted in 1 baby.

When you start thinking of the odds. For my age, about 50% of embryos would be abnormal. I know it only takes 1 egg... but gosh, it worries me considering not all eggs will make it to blast.

Feelings 

It's hard not to be disappointed... and to contemplate next steps if the cycle is cancelled. I know there's absolutely nothing I can do about being a low responder, unfortunately. I am healthier now than I was on my previous cycles. But I'm also older... so I expected to have a low response due to my AMH levels.  

So - why do I feel so sad about it all? 

I was playing with my kids last night and I was thinking "I am so lucky." I have two little miracles already... will I get a third? I almost feel greedy in a way wanting another miracle. But then I thought about what things would look like if I stopped trying for Baby #3 and I had an ache in my heart. 

I don't know what that means or what choices I'll make. I'm still very hopeful this cycle will lead to an egg retrieval and that one of these follicles will lead to Baby #3. 

Next Steps: 

• Monitoring Appointment #2 - 10/24/18 
• Monitoring Appointment #3 - 10/26/18 

Stay tuned...!