I've started getting comfortable and allowing myself to let some happiness into the thought of "pregnant." I even started making tentative plans... how/when to announce my pregnancy to family, how/when to announce to friends, mentally thinking about the nursery, etc.
Then, right when I start feeling really good about being pregnant -- the fears drop in. Like today, I don't feel pregnant today and I started to worry that maybe something was wrong... It's like the days that pass that I don't have physical or visual confirmation that the baby is ok, make it hard to believe that everything is ok. Seeing the heartbeat really carried me for a few days... but now I'm counting down until the day I get to see it again and confirm it's still there.
I read another blog about Pregnancy after Infertility and it really resonated with me. She said she didn't trust her body. And I thought, "that's it!!!" I don't trust my body to carry this pregnancy to term, I'm scared it's going to fail me again. It's a scary thought, but a real one after all I've been through trying to just get pregnant. I wish I trusted my body to do its thing and do it right.
Some days are easier than others... some days I'm perfectly happy and content. Other days I don't feel pregnant and worry that I'm going to lose the baby. It's a crazy rollercoaster, which I'm sure has to do with all the medication I'm on - and the pregnancy hormones on top of that. I'm starting to come to the conclusion that I may never feel 100% secure with this pregnancy until the baby is in my arms.
1st OB Appointment
When I found out that my last RE appointment might be after my next ultrasound, I had a mini-freak out because I didn't have an OB lined up and I haven't interviewed anyone. I also knew I had to get set-up with a high risk OB due to my diabetes and my advanced maternal age (AMA). In order to get seen by a high risk OB, I needed a referral from my OB. Last week I called an OB practice that my friend used, to setup a first appointment. I thought the appointment would be scheduled 2-3 weeks out, but turns out they had an appointment open for this week - so I took it!
It felt weird going to an OB already... like I was "faking" being pregnant or something! Silly, I know - but that's how I felt.
I arrived at the office and it's a nice office! Bonus is it's really close to my house. They have multiple offices around the area, so I can probably rotate around if I want. They're a large practice with all female OB's and midwives. They have these big cushiony leather chairs that are super comfortable. But they make a lot of noise when you sit down, shift, or get up! It was so strange to be in the waiting room with some ladies that are in their third trimester already. Oh man... I hope to be one of them in a few months.
I had pre-filled my paperwork, like a good new patient. I had to fill out more health history stuff on a scan-tron! Felt like I was back in school. I had to provide a urine sample. Then I waited... and waited. They finally took me back to the room where the nurse asked me more questions. Then I waited... and waited. The doctor came in, it was pretty short - like an "introductory" thing or something. She answered some of my questions, gave me some paperwork to look at, and we talked about my diabetes.
My diabetes has been giving me a lot of concern. My blood sugars have been wonderful while I was TTC. They've been pretty controlled and I take Metformin 2x's a day. After I got my positive test, I've been testing my blood sugars more frequently. For some reason my blood sugars have sky rocketed! Which is totally not my normal level. I've been eating better, eating smaller meals more frequently - yet, my blood sugars are just really high. High blood sugars can have a horrible impact on the baby... it's a really scary thing. I won't list them here because I'm trying not to google it because it's some scary stuff.
Luckily, the OB put a referral in right away to the high risk OB - which is exactly what I wanted/needed. I just need to arrange the visit for later this week or early next week... which is going to be so hard with my work schedule, I'm just slammed right now. The OB thinks they'll put me on insulin right away. Which I'm not opposed to, as I'll do anything for this baby and to have a healthy pregnancy. I'm also really used to giving myself shots at this point, so I'm hoping insulin shots won't be a problem. I'm also hoping they'll have me work with a dietitian. Obviously the changes to my meals that I've made aren't working like they should.
After the diabetes conversation, I waited and waited some more to get my blood drawn. Then I had like 4 vials of blood drawn! Eek.
I also asked her about how many ultrasounds I would get... and she said since I'm still with my RE that they won't give me any additional ones. She said most likely I won't even get one at the 8 week appointment because the "viability ultrasound" will be done by my RE. WTH! I asked if I can have extras to ease my anxiety around it, and she said I might get extras with the high risk OB. So, will see how it goes. I might have to beg... I'm not sure seeing the OB once a month and not having an ultrasound each time is going to be ok with me and my anxiety levels.
Overall, I was in that office for almost 2 hours! Yikes. Very unexpected.
Another thing I need to do is call my insurance and see what's covered under prenatal care. I'm going to ask them how many ultrasounds are covered! LOL. I'm not giving up just yet!
Next Steps:
- 10/24/16: Ultrasound #2 with RE
- Schedule the High Risk OB Appointment
- 11/4/16: OB Appointment
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