IVF #3 (Cycle 10): Doubts about moving forward

The plan from my post-consult meeting with me RE was: a fresh cycle with ICSI and PGS testing, freeze all cycle. Since I've had time to think things through, I'm starting to have doubts about moving forward.

Doubt #1: Testing my 2 embryos from IVF #2 

I'm running into an issue with testing my 2 embryos. I need a Sperm sample and the donor doesn't have any available right now. Which means I have to use a new donor for IVF #3. Meaning I'll have embryos from two different donors (if all goes well with IVF #3). Which is not what I want. I can save some $ if I don't thaw these embryos and I don't test them. I can always test later (when Sperm becomes available) or just never test them and do a Hail Mary FET if IVF #3 doesn't have any viable blasts.

I feel like I'm giving up on these embryos... It makes me want to just do the Hail Mary FET now and then do a fresh IVF cycle if it doesn't work. But that makes things complicated with the insurance coverage from my old job vs. the new job and banking embryos for a potential try for another baby in a few years. It's just all so complicated and to many different ways things can play out. 

Doubt #2: Going through a new IVF cycle while starting a new job 

I want to excel at my new job and kick butt in training! Can I do that if I'm on fertility meds? Will monitoring appointments make a bad impression on my new boss? I don't know... Going through IVF is such an emotional roller coaster! On the meds I'm an emotional mess. Asking for exceptions early on after starting a new job scares me. I need this job. I want this job. It's a great position with a wonderful company. I just don't want to risk screwing up this opportunity and being in a position where I don't have a job again -- ending up unemployed. Because I don't want to go through that scare again especially since I have to get my budgeting (debt snowball) crap together. 

Doubt #3: the price tag 

I need to cash-roll this IVF cycle. Which means I'm going to have to dip into a big chunk of my savings. Doable? Yes... but barely. That means instead of making a dent on my debt snowball, I'm going to focus that money on IVF#3. After being laid off, I really want to focus on putting myself in a financial position so that if this happens again, my family will be OK. That means I have to get rid of my debt. Doing a brand new IVF cycle with a price tag of $10k - give or take - really puts me behind on that goal. Again... Scary. Especially since there's no guarantee in any of this. So I can spend all this money (on top of the money I've already spent) and still not have a baby... which is where I'm sitting right now.

Logically, it totally makes sense to do another IVF cycle:

• I have the insurance coverage (which lowers costs - it would be closer to $20-25K without it)
• I'm still young so better quality eggs (vs waiting until I'm older)
• The timing "can" potentially work with the new job for monitoring (if I play my cards right and if my boss is flexible - don't know this factor yet)
• I also wanted to try for another baby in a few years - so makes sense to have more eggs for later (younger eggs)
• The FET timing will work with maternity leave from work (at the new job)... 

So theoretically, a new cycle makes total sense.

So if it's so LOGICAL, why do I have all the doubts? All these doubts have made me want to just stop. Transfer the 2 embryos I have left (with no testing) and then call it quits either way. I'm emotionally drained from this infertility journey. The thoughts of a whole new IVF cycle with the new job and the costs... stresses me out just thinking about juggling everything. Because life isn't all about trying to have this baby and IVF... I have a son, I have a house to maintain, I have a LIFE to live outside of fertility treatments. It just feels like my life since I started this journey in November 2014 has all been focused on having this baby.

I'm just feeling drained. I'm feeling a little defeated. I'm worried about my financial position. I'm worried about making a good impression at work. Adding another emotional, injection filled, hormone-induced, IVF cycle just makes me feel TIRED.

Am I making the right choice?
Should I stop?
Should I keep going?
When will be the time to call it quits on trying to have this baby?

At this point in my TTC/Infertility journey... I'm starting to think that maybe I'm having all these obstacles because I'm not meant to have a birth child... I HATE to think that. I hate it. But, what if that's my path? When is the time to accept that?

I've been considering moving forward with adopting a new child instead... But I've put such a hole in my financial position by going through fertility treatments, I can't afford to try domestic private adoption right now. I know I'm a foster parent, but I'm not fostering so I can adopt... I'm fostering so I can help. There's no guarantee that a child that comes into your care will become adoptable and as a foster parent it's important to support the case plan which is reunification. So, I don't foster so I can adopt... plus, I've had 9 children and 8/9 have returned to family and only 1 has led to adoption (my son). Which is funny because another fellow single foster mother has fostered 6 kids and 3 of hers she adopted. It's different for everyone. I don't look at fostering as a means to adoption, if that makes any sense. Which is why if I decide to adopt, I'll go the domestic private adoption route.

Ugh. Only if I had a crystal ball or a big neon sign showing me the way to go.

For now, I'm taking my DHEA and COQ10 to prep for the cycle and hoping it helps with egg quality. I'll make a decision when AF comes and it's time to start cycling. It's weighing heavily on my mind right now. Luckily I have time to make a decision.