The Question

In a previous post, I mentioned that I have been having major doubts about moving forward with IVF #3. I was discussing my potential next steps with a friend and she asked me how I would feel if I never had a birth child. 

She wasn't asking it to be mean. She's never had a birth child and has never had the drive to have a birth child. So, she was curious and wanted to understand.

I've always dreamed about being pregnant and having a baby. I think I've dreamed about it since I was a little girl. It's always something I was looking forward to when I grew up, becoming a birth mother (and adopting). Basically, getting to be a mother.

When she asked me this question... my immediate response:

"It would hang over me for the rest of my life if I didn't do everything I could do to have a birth child." 

She was shocked at my response... and so was I. I was surprised about how much I truly feel that way. That I have to exhaust every possible IVF route before I can say, "I've done all I could do."

I'm not there yet. 

That made me start thinking about all my doubts in my previous post and deciding if I truly should go through with IVF #3. What would make me feel like I've done all I could do? That's when I decided that I needed to draw a line in the sand... a STOPPING point. Not a hard stop, but a "stop for now." All this continuos TTC is taking a toll on me. I've talked about stopping points when I was doing my IUI's and contemplating IVF. Originally, I wasn't going to move towards IVF. Then I was only going to do ONE IVF cycle. Then I did a second. Now I'm doing a third.

I need to give myself permission to STOP. 

I think it would give me peace of mind and release myself from this obligation of staying on the TTC train and trying and trying and trying and trying. I've spent almost $25K on this process so far... looking to spend at least $10-$13K more (for IVF #3 and FET #2).

That leaves the question: Where's my stopping point? 

After thinking about this, I've decided that IVF #3 will be my last fresh cycle. I will go through FET's for all my PGS normal embryos. If the first one doesn't stick, I'll see if there's additional testing to be done on me. If none of them stick, I'll transfer (without testing) my 2 frozen from IVF #2. Then, I'm stopping. At that point I'll feel like I did all I could do to try and have Baby C. Or that's how I hope I feel.

None of this is concrete. It just means I'll stop "for now" and re-address at a later time. Maybe when I can cash-roll another IVF cycle, get out of debt from all my TTC costs, or maybe when I recover from this emotional roller coaster. I just need to be smarter about my financial position and make better choices. I don't want to bankrupt myself or put myself in a bigger hole that I wouldn't be able to get out of.

It's interesting because I felt like there was so much riding on all my other IVF cycles. It just "HAD TO WORK!" But I always knew that I would keep trying, keeping moving forward if it didn't work. Now, it's different. I know I'm getting close to the end of trying.

Strangely, there's a sense of calm about moving forward with IVF #3 now. I have a mental stopping point, which I'm getting very close to... But it feels like a relief to know it's there. That I can stop. And I can say that I've done all I could do to try and have a birth child. I have some peace with that thought.

So, IVF #3 is a GO for now. Let's see how it goes.