The Road to Baby #3: FET of my last embryo and seeing two lines!

Continuing my story of trying for Baby #3.

After IVF #6, I had a fresh transfer of two embryos and froze one embryo. The fresh transfer didn’t work and I had to start prepping for a FET of my last embryo. I didn’t write much during this time... I was in a very sad place and didn’t have a clear path forward if my last embryo didn’t work. 

My RE had suggested that I transfer a donor embryo AND my frozen embryo. I didn’t like that suggestion & it made me anxious that he suggested it. But he said it increased the odds of it working. I decided to move forward with transferring only my frozen embryo. Here is a pic of my beautiful embryo. 

As much as I am impatient... I normally start testing about 4 days post transfer! I waited until 6 days this time. I had a suspicion that the transfer had worked because my blood sugars were spiking. That happened when I was pregnant with L as well.

I can’t even tell you how I felt when I tested and saw the second line... and I didn’t even have to squint! 

I was so excited that I took a few more tests later in the day... just to confirm it was actually real!

This time, I didn’t have slow rising betas. They raised steadily. 

Early Pregnancy Symptom: 

• Started feeling breast pain at 4dpt
• My blood sugar started fluctuating significantly at 5dpt 
• Getting headaches 
• Back aches 
• Some lightening pain in uterus 
• Major fatigue by 10dpt 
• HOT FLASHES!!! 
• Cramping 4w6d - & not feeling as tired, so a bit worried something happened 😔 Like all my pregnancy symptoms have disappeared 
• Sense of smell 

Excerpt from my diary: 

I’ve waited so long to get a POSITIVE pregnancy test! When I tested and saw the light pink line… I cried and cried and cried. Happy joyful tears with so much possibilities. The possibility of a new baby… my little one. I’ve been trying for a year to have this baby: 

 

1. October 2018 - IVF retrieval = 1 PGS normal embryo 
2. November 2018 - Hysteroscopy to remove polyps 
3. January 2019 - FET Transfer of PGS normal embryo = not pregnant 
4. March 2019 - IVF cycle = cancelled for non-response 
5. June 2019 - IVF cycle = resulted in 3 embryos, fresh transfer of 2 = not pregnant 
6. August 30, 2019 - FET of last embryo = pregnant with baby! 

 

I wasn’t sure what I’d do if this cycle didn’t work… when I saw that positive pregnancy test it was a relief that finally… finally it worked. 

 

It’s still a long way to go and a lot of hurdles to pass, but I feel this deep love for this child. You are wanted, you are loved, you were dreamed of. I’m praying and hoping that this pregnancy will go smoothly and you’ll join our family earth-side in late April/early May of 2020. 

 It felt like a long road to seeing a positive pregnancy test... When you are TTC each cycle is so precious and the wait between cycles can feel like a life time. 

I will try to write some entries about my pregnancy... My daughter was born during the Coronavirus pandemic... So, my last trimester wasn’t what I had hoped it would be. Giving birth during the stay-at-home order was an experience and being postpartum was a challenge. We can all probably write so much about our experiences during the pandemic. I documented most of mine through pictures of our ground hog days at home! I hope to share it here as I get the blog caught up. 

The *Maybe* Move: Week 2 - Moving Forward

Today is Easter. I had a lovely, relaxed, day with the kids. They opened their Easter baskets, they ate a lot of sugar, they dyed eggs, we ate the dyed eggs, we Zoomed with my mom and little brother. Nothing fancy, pretty simple, yet pretty perfect. 

Last year, during the stay-at-home order, I felt I had to compensate and make Easter super big for the boys. It ended up being super stressful for me and we didn’t have a great day. So I’m glad I kept it super light and basic this year. Though B did tell me he wanted an Easter egg hunt! Maybe next year :) 

This was a week of ups and downs on the *maybe* move. Highlights: 

1. My friend toured the house - it’s in great shape! 
2. I got connected with the owner and spoke to her 
3. The owner spoke to my realtor
4. Got some things fixed at my AZ house: sprinklers, new irrigation timer, plumbing work 
5. Received all my packing supplies from Amazon 

It was a strange week where I wasn’t sure if this would really happen. The owner was going back and forth on whether she would do a direct sale to me or list on MLS. So, I wasn’t 100% that this would move forward. 

I spoke to the owner, she’s super nice. And guess what - she went though IVF to have her kids. I appreciate that people are open to discussing using IVF to build their families. I have found that it can be something not discussed much... I thought things were on track to move forward, but she kept having second thoughts about listing vs direct sale. 

I connected her with my realtor. It took a few days, but she finally told my realtor that she wants to move forward with the direct sale to me! She wants to finish painting the house and then we will do a virtual tour in about a week. After the tour, I can officially put in an offer! Then we can move forward with the appraisal / inspection. I am excited to do the virtual tour! I’ve seen pictures of the inside from previous listings, so it’ll be nice to see it in more detail. 

I’m grateful that things are falling into place! However, I still have some due diligence and research to do on a few items. It’s a big deal to relocate from here to a rural area. Lots to consider. I just want to make sure I’m really thinking this through. I posted on the Single Mothers by Choice forum and received a lot of great feedback and questions I didn’t originally consider. So... I’m going to look into a few more things and have a few more conversations. 

I also got some things done at my house: plumbing work, replaced my irrigation timer. I have some things lined up: appliance repair & having new plants planted in the front yard + drip line replacement. 

Things I’m looking to do in Week 3: 

1. Looking into using PODS or something similar for the move. Going to get quotes. I have lined up help to unpack there. I’m working on lining up help to pack here. It’s cheaper than using a full on moving company by like thousands of dollars. 
2. I need to start packing!!! I’m going to commit to working on packing for at least an hour a day. 
3. I’m hoping that the walk through happens and then the offer gets put in. 
4. I’m looking into daycare/nanny solutions for my littles. Mostly in the research phase. I might need to start off with a babysitter, then eventually find a full time nanny if I can’t get the kids into the daycare. 
5. I’m trying to line up childcare for a weekend so I can fly over there to see the house/property in person. This will probably be in May. I’ll probably bring the baby with me and have someone babysit the boys. I haven’t flown since pre-Covid... but I would feel better seeing the place in-person before we close on the property. 

Lots to do...! My mind is seriously flooded with thoughts about moving. There’s so much to think about and consider. I’ve been doing a lot of research on homesteads and such. I might make a 10 year plan on what I want to do on the property... I have a vision forming on what I want to ultimately do there. You know, the planner in me! Plus, the stuff I want to do, I’ll need to budget for. 

Reaction from friends have been funny! Especially people that have known me for a long time. For the most part, everyone has been super supportive. Some concerns about me being able to maintain the property and my lack of erm, “skills,” in doing that type of work. I take no offense to that, as I am not known for being handy! Lol. It’s definitely going to be a learning curve for me. Luckily, I like challenges & I like learning new things/skills :)  

What I’ve noticed is, lots of people have considered something similar and just never moved forward with it. I think I can think and think and think... consider the pros and cons & just get stuck on making a decision. When it boils down to it, I want a change! 

But yes... it’s looking like this “City Girl” is going to be making this big move - if the rest of the puzzle pieces fall into place. 

More to come! 

The Road to Baby #3: IVF #6 and Fresh Transfer

Continuing the story to baby #3.

I was keeping a private diary after I stopped blogging. But after IVF #5 was canceled, I stopped proactively talking to friends about TTC and I didn’t write as frequently. Due to this, a lot of the details are hazy. 

Excerpt from my diary at the end of cycling. I wrote this the night before my retrieval: 

I cried yesterday packing up my extra syringes to donate to my clinic… I cried because: 

 

I don’t know if I can go through another IVF cycle… 

 

After all my cycles, I’ve never felt like “this is it, this is all I got.” But I might be there now…

 

I have no clue if this cycle will result in my much wanted and much hoped for Baby #3… this is my 4th cycle trying for Baby #3. I’ve been trying since September and planning since June of last year when  I started to wean L. 

 

It’s been a year and still no baby. 

 

I just don’t know if I can continue to do this financially… mentally… physically… 

 

I’m hoping my Baby #3 is one of these beautiful follicles that I stimmed 16 days for… SIXTEEN!!!!!!!!! 

 

It may be the hormones talking… or it may be just reality setting in. But I don’t know what to do after this cycle if it doesn’t work.

The details are so hazy... that I can’t even remember how many eggs they retrieved! I will need to look at my written notes to fill in the blanks. I do remember that 3 eggs fertilized and made it to day 4 (my clinic transfers on day 4). I had a choice to make at that point... 1) transfer 1, 2) transfer 2, or 3) transfer all 3. The suggestion was for me to transfer all 3. But, I couldn’t risk transferring 3 - can you imagine what could have happened? They said with my history and age, that the odds were that only one would take. Having 2 kids already, I just couldn’t take that risk. 

There were 2 embryos that were the same grade and 1 that was better quality. (I’ll have to look at my notes later to fill in the gaps on what the quality was.) I ultimately decided to do a fresh transfer of the 2 embryos that were the same grade. I had read a few studies that said you can lower your chance of implantation by transferring two different graded embryos. Also, the better quality embryo had a higher chance of being frozen/thawed successfully and that the 2 lower quality embryos may not have made it. So, I opted to freeze the higher quality one. The two embryos I transferred: 

Another note on this clinic, they did not suggest PGS testing for me. The RE doesn’t believe in the testing. He also said that I can risk damaging a potential normal embryo, that the costs of testing were not worth it (for my specific situation), especially since I’m a low responder to IVF and I wasn’t expected to get a lot of eggs/embryos. 

The timing for this transfer were challenging, as I did the transfer prior to going on vacation. So, I found out it didn’t work while I was on vacation - which sucked. Which also meant I was doing all these medications while traveling. I’ll have to list my med protocols later, I have to find them! But I was on a blood thinner and I had horrible bruises on my tummy from it. 

Recap: 

• IVF 6 = 3 embryos 
• Fresh Cycle of 2 embryos = didn’t work 
• Final embryo = was frozen successfully 

The Road to Baby #3: IVF #5 - another canceled cycle

Continuing the story of trying for baby #3. Quick recap up to this point in the narration: 

1. I cycled (IVF #4) with my old clinic in October 2018 and had 1 PGS normal embryo. 
2. I transferred that embryo in January 2019 and it didn’t work. 
3. I consulted with 2 other fertility clinics in February 2019.
4. I started another cycle (IVF #5) in March/April 2019. 

The RE’s office was interesting because they had a play place for kids and also had a Christmas tree they kept up all year. Here’s one they had up when I cycled in April 2019: 

The changing themes on the Christmas tree always brought a smile to my face. 

An excerpt from my diary at the start of the cycle: 

I have to admit that starting a new IVF cycle has kind of taken me off guard. Partly due to working with another clinic, partly because of the expense, party because I had to pick a new donor, partly because it’s a whole new protocol, and partly because I just can’t believe I have to do another IVF cycle. 

 

The clinic does things differently, so I’m still getting used to how things are done here. But I also wasn’t really expecting all the extra costs. Insurance coverage sometimes doesn’t mean anything really. My meds cost more than 2K. I exhausted my Health Savings Account and paid cash for the remainder. Luckily I’m getting my tax return in a few weeks! I will still need to pay about $4k out of pocket for the cycle itself. 

 

The clinic is different where they have a designated ultrasound tech. She’s an older lady and she’s a bit chatty. Lol. She mentioned that my uterus is tilted back, which I’ve heard before when I was pregnant with L. 

 

Strangely, I’m feeling extremely positive about this cycle and already hoping for a Christmas baby!! The timing isn’t what I expected, but all I want for Christmas is Baby #3! 

The cycle didn’t work... I didn’t make it to retrieval. An excerpt from my diary entry: 

I’m so frustrated. ANOTHER canceled cycle. This is my 3rd canceled cycle. Five IVFs and 3 canceled cycles… that just feels horrible. Not to mention the cost expense of it all… oh the cost. I’m really feeling it now because I have two kids now and I’ve spent 10k OOP. Money that could’ve gone to vacations, or college funds, or paying off debt. Just makes me cringe. 

 

But I want this baby. I want this baby so darn bad. I can’t stop trying for him/her. I already have this place in our lives and in my heart for this child. I don’t know when to call it quits with my own eggs… I just know I’m not there yet. 

 

I don’t think I can afford more than one IVF retrieval due to my max fertility benefits, which will be exhausted after/when I have an IVF retrieval.  So… it sucks. I feel sad. But I have to move on and keep trying for now.

 That is how that cycle went...  

The Road to Baby #3: Choosing a new Clinic

I’m going to try and post some entries on my TTC journey to have my daughter. Since I left off mid-trying. When I was reading blogs, I always wondered what happened when the blogger didn’t blog through the entire process. 

Trying for my daughter was emotional. I was running into fertility issues and I was running into a financial barrier. So not only was time running out - but my money was running out as well. It was super hard for me to consider that I may not be able to add another baby to my family... and it really put me in a bad place mentally. 

I was with my original RE for 2 years to have my son. I loved the office and my RE. I didn’t want to consider leaving... but they were super expensive. They also didn’t really do IVF cycles outside of “typical” ones. Nothing creative. So I went in search and consulted with two more clinics. 

Consult #1

The first one is super popular in my area and super cheap... I was going to go with them, but... very unorganized. They screwed up simple blood work. They also wanted me to put a down payment down on my cycle... yet, they couldn’t get my insurance processing correctly. I had such a bad experience with them from the start, that I knew I couldn’t cycle with them. It would be too stressful that they’d screw something up. The other thing is, they would have done the exact same protocol as my current RE. But they were cheaper, most affordable in the area. 

Consult #2

Strangely enough, my RE recommended this fertility clinic!! I trust and love my RE, so I went into the appointment hopeful. This new RE is a bit of a scientist and he runs numerous clinical trials. He specializes in advanced maternal age (AMA) and diminished ovarian reserve (DOR) - both which matched my challenges. He also had a lot of extra tests that the other two REs never suggested and he had a few different protocols that were successful for AMA/DOR. The cost was in between my RE and consult #2 clinic. But... I felt my best chance to have a baby was with this RE. A funny comment from this new RE after he did an ultrasound: “your uterus is large enough for twins.” I had no comment to that. Lol. 

Financially, I only could afford one more IVF retrieval... at this point I was considering “what if it doesn’t work?” I had started seriously looking into donor embryo as my next steps if my last cycle didn’t work. I had some concerns about using donor embryo. The major one is that it was “closed” and absolutely no contact with the donors. Which I thought would be difficult considering our family dynamics and being open about birth stories - birth family (for B) and donor families (for L). 

At this point in the process, I had a plan and a little more money to keep trying IVF with my own eggs. 

The *Maybe* Move: Week 1 - figuring things out

With the decision that I definitely wanted to pursue moving to Missouri, I had my long list of things to do/research. Once Monday hit, I was on the phone - which felt like non-stop. I don’t think I’ve been on the phone for such a long time since I was a teen! I can’t believe all the things I got done in one week! 

1. Spoke to the SPED director at the local public school. Discussed my son’s IEP and his needs. 
2. Called Preschools/Pre-Ks. Most are currently full. Found out that the public school has free part-time Pre-K! So score on that. Just need to fill the gap. I put L on a few waiting lists. 
3. Called daycares and reviewed their inspection reports. They are also all full! It’s going to be a challenge to get E into a daycare. I did put her on a few waiting lists. The other option is to try and find a nanny to watch E and L (when he’s not in school). 
4. Called a local realtor that my friend suggested. She is SUPER nice and very responsive! I called her on a Monday and she found me a lender licensed in MO, talked to me about what I needed to do, we met at my house on that Thursday. So by Monday night I already reached out to the lender and got prequalified! By Thursday I had an idea of what I’d need to do to sell my house in AZ. 
5. I reached out to a realtor in MO and discussed what it would look like to purchase a house directly from the owner (vs. a listing). She is able to represent me and help me through this, which gives me huge peace of mind. I’ve only bought one house - my current house. I bought this house directly from the builder. So I never had to do anything like negotiate on the offer on a house or anything. 
6. Researched the local area. 
7. Looked into storm shelters and history of tornadoes in the area. 
8. Got some estimates on using movers. 
9. Told my manager about the potential move. 
10. Researched gardening in MO and about chicken coops!
11. I bought moving supplies! 
12. I created a project plan to consolidate all the things I need to do, want to do, need to research, etc. 

Phew. Week #1 was productive. By doing all of these things, it made me really want to move. It’s hard to be so hopeful that this will work out and trying to be cautious. So I figure, if it doesn’t work out - then at least I have decluttered my house, which I’ve been trying to do for YEARS! LOL. Also, I know for sure I want to move... I want a change. So, there’s that. Ideally, all will work out with this house and we’ll move in June/July. If not, there are other options to explore. 

The “Maybe” Big Decision

I’m a planner. I love routines. I love predictability in my day-to-day. It’s just part of who I am. At the beginning of 2021, I created a 10 year plan for the next decade. Seems extreme, if you’re not a planner :) But I’ve always had “something” I was reaching for or trying to get to. Those milestones were easier to wrap my arms around: go to college, graduate from college, get a job, buy a house, start fostering, try for a baby, etc. 

Now that I’m done building my family and my kids are starting to get older, life’s goals and things to reach for have been... different. I have to make a more concerted effort to make things happen. That’s where my 10 year plan came in, to help provide a guide for me - something to work towards and dream about. 

Well, my wonderful 10 year plan - got thrown out the window! Yes, I am a planner. But, I’m also adaptable! A once in a lifetime opportunity has suddenly come up. 

My friend moved away from here last year. Her and her husband bought some land out in the country and moved their family out there. I was in awe that they were able to make such a big change and questioned whether I would ever be able to take such a leap. Last year - while pregnant - the answer was heck no. The pandemic hit - and the answer was heck no. 

A house right next to their property is going up for sale. It’s a beautiful house that sits on 6 acres. Yes = SIX ACRES. When she originally brought it up to me - the answer was heck no. Then... I started to ask myself, “why?” Why no? So, I did what I normally do... I researched... 

• Single mom living in the country 
• Moving from the city to the country 
• What is a septic tank 
• How do you maintain well water 
• What to do when there’s a tornado (this was almost a deal breaker for me) 
• How to maintain wooded acres 

List goes on and on, but you get the gist. I was trying to see if this was a big scary thing that I should never do... or if it was something I could totally do, if I wanted to. 

Turns out my friend’s neighbor is willing to sell the house to me direct sale...! Then, I started getting really serious about looking into logistics: moving costs, timing conflicts, I made a pro/con list, I made a list of things I would need to figure out before making a decision. My initial list: 

1. School / SPED program
2. Preschools / Pre-K programs 
3. Daycares 
4. Moving costs 
5. Timing with end of school and L’s birthday 
6. What I need to do to buy
7. What I need to do to sell my current house 
8. Misc. questions on tornadoes, storm shelters, utilities, land zoning, weather, etc. 

After a few days of letting the idea marinate in my brain... it’s such a huge mind shift from what I originally had planned in life. I started getting excited... and I started making phone calls... and I started feeling like - I can do this! I want to do this! Let’s do this! 

So my *maybe* adventure to move my little family from AZ to MO has just begun!

Fast Forward to 2021

Gosh... it’s been a long time since I’ve sat down to update this blog. I admit, it’s hard for me to keep a blog because I’m so private & it feels counter intuitive to put all my life happenings out in the cyber world. 

Since the last time I wrote - so much has happened! 

But before diving into that, why I stopped writing. 

My one and only embryo from the cycle I last wrote about came back PGS normal and female. I thought it would work... I did another Hysteroscopy to prep for the cycle & the FET cycle failed. I was in a very dark place afterward. I think the mix of hormones from the fertility treatments, running out of time fertility-wise, and running out of money to keep trying... just really brought me down. I had the transfer and it didn’t work and I had no embryos left. I was completely devastated. I just couldn’t keep documenting all the heartbreak... so I stopped blogging. 

However, I did keep trying. I switched fertility clinics (hard for me to do!) and had 2 more IVF cycles... one failed cycle and one cycle that resulted in 3 embryos. First fresh transfer of 2 embryos = didn’t work. Transferred my very last embryo.... and IT WORKED!!!

I became pregnant with my daughter! Then... when I was in my third trimester = Coronavirus hit. My daughter was born during the stay at home order in my state. Such a crazy time. She’s now almost 11 months old & still hasn’t met most of my friends or family. 

My B is now in 1st grade and is 7. And my L will be turning 4 soon. They both love their Sissy. 

I am hoping to catch up on this blog and maybe document a new adventure... I am considering a cross country move to a rural area! I grew up in a big city and have lived close to a big city all my life. Now I’m considering moving my little family to the country and purchasing acreage. Like, what?! Lol. 

Hoping to get back into writing and sharing this journey. Because it’s going to be a crazy big change for me and my kids. There’s more I’d like to write about as well... like parenting a child with special needs, having L learn and own his birth story, being cut off from my support system during the pandemic... here’s to hoping I can find the time to blog and share some of our story.