One Year Later: Trying to Conceive as a Single Mother by Choice

I can't believe it's been one year since I had my first meeting with my RE. When I started this journey in November 2014, I was optimistic - I was excited. I thought, "Wow, I could have a baby in 2015!"

That quickly changed to: "Will I get pregnant in 2015?"

Then: "Can I ever get pregnant?" 

Trying to have a baby in a non-traditional way has been an interesting path to go down. Going down the Single Mother by Choice (SMC) road has been different than I expected it to be.

At first, I was so excited about Trying to Conceive (TTC). I've been thinking about going down this path for years and now I was finally taking steps to fulfill this life-long dream of having a birth child. I opened up to a few select friends about my journey. Some things I didn't expect:

• That my insurance wouldn't cover any of the procedures until 6 failed monitored and medicated rounds. 
• Friends telling their other friends/family about what I was going through because it was different and interesting. 
• Friends telling me I'm crazy and should just go to a bar and have sex with a stranger instead of buying donor sperm. Because buying sperm is just weird. 
• Getting excited, "Are you pregnant yet?" inquiries from my friends. 
• When I had an unsuccessful cycle, having people tell me: "It just wasn't meant to be. It'll happen if it's supposed to happen." 

At the beginning I was really open about the experience. I think partly because I just *knew* I was going to get pregnant and I was just waiting for this wonderful thing to happen. Then, try after try, IUI after IUI -- I wasn't pregnant. 

• Insurance not covering any expenses became burdensome. 
• Friends sharing my TTC journey with others, without my permission, was offensive and hurtful. 
• Friends telling me that I should just have sex with a stranger, made me feel defensive and offended.
• Having people inquire cycle after cycle and sharing negative after negative -- became depressing. 
• Hearing words like, "It just wasn't meant to be" HURT. It hurts REALLY bad. I know no one is intentionally trying to be hurtful, but that doesn't change how badly it made me feel. 

As a SMC, the experience trying to have a baby on my own has been a struggle. Especially now that I am moving forward with IVF treatments and being diagnosed with "unexplained infertility." 

Infertility. That's a powerful word. It's a scary word. It's a word I was hoping I would never use to describe my TTC process. Especially when I have so many friends that have had absolutely NO issues getting pregnant and even some that have had unexpected pregnancies. It hurts. It's devastating. 

I've had to go through all of this alone. This entire year, I have had no one that was 100% invested in this process as I am. I'm completely fine with being a SMC. But there are times I imagine it would be really nice to share all the down times with. 

Purchasing donor sperm is kind of weird! But at the same time, it was kind of fun thinking about the possibilities and being able to vet medical issues ahead of time. Each IUI, I would think: "A stranger's sperm is swimming inside of me." Odd thoughts and mixed feelings about the entire sperm donor thing. But the reality is, using donor sperm through a sperm bank is the safest way for me to have a baby. Plus, I kind of like the idea of parenting on my own. There are burdens with being 100% responsible and making 100% of the decisions. But I'm fine with that. Now that I've been going through this process for so long, I'm now OK with the thought of donor sperm. 

As time has gone on and I haven't gotten pregnant, I've become less vocal about the process, sharing less and less. Mostly because it was becoming harder emotionally for me. I've continued to blog, of course. But only a few select people that know me in real life have my blog URL. Why blog? I don't know if anyone is really reading this blog. But it's been self-therapy for me. A way to talk about all I've been going through, to process it in a systematic way, to clear my head. I've also found some great information in other people's blogs. I hope that if someone comes across my blog, they'll get some information out of it that can help them in their TTC journey. 

I still can't believe it's been a year since I actively started this process. I still can't believe that I'm moving towards IVF. At the beginning of all this, I told myself that I would not do IVF. It was my hard line in the sand that I would not pass. I really did think that if the IUI's didn't work, that I would be OK with stopping there and believing that it just wasn't my path to take. 

There's this weird thing that happens when you're TTC. It's hard to explain to those that haven't been on this journey of trying to have a baby. It's hard to explain to those that can't imagine how much I've spend on this process. It's just hard for people to understand in general. It's even hard for ME to understand at times... 

But, once you start this journey to have this wonderful hoped for baby - it's hard to give up on that dream. The dream of having this baby is so tangible, I just can't imagine my life without him/her. There have been times where I felt like this was just too much, that I wanted to stop, that I couldn't continue on with this process, that I couldn't afford it, that I hated the medication, that I hated giving myself injections, that I hated the time it took to make monitored appointments.

It would have been so-so-so easy to just STOP. Just not move forward. 

But I couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking about this wonderful dream of becoming a birth mother. Of being pregnant with this baby that I've hoped and dreamed about since I was a little girl. I just couldn't give up because the dream is still possible. Even with the unexplained infertility diagnosis, even through the costs, even through the time, even with all the injections, even with the medication-craziness that happens, even through the surgeries, even through all the uncertainty of this process. I just can't give up yet. Not until I've tried everything imaginable I could do to try and have Baby C. 

What's scary about this process is that I have no clue how it's going to end... Will Baby C be at the end of this road? Will there be another obstacle to having a baby? I just don't know. 

For now, I'm continuing on. I'm not giving up. One year later, I think I'm more determined to have this baby. The difference is, the rose-colored glasses are off. I know it's not going to be easy to conceive and I might have more mileage to trudge down this road until I get to the end. 

What still hasn't changed, I'm still  hoping and praying for my Baby C. Hoping IVF is the magic process to make Baby C a reality.