The news I received yesterday at my first monitoring appointment sucked. I'm not responding to the meds. How can I be responding so poorly to the medication? It just doesn't make sense to me. I guess it goes to show that every single IVF cycle is completely different than the last. Even though I had an "OK" response on this same protocol last time, it's not working this time.
All I can think is: F#@K!
THIS cycle was supposed to be my LAST IVF cycle. I was so sure about that when I decided to move forward that I would let myself stop after this. But now? I don't know... I wanted this to be equal to or better than IVF #2. Now it's looking disastrously like IVF #1.
I just feel so defeated... like this entire journey to have a baby, to build my family -- is going to end with no baby. I just hate this.
With all the ups and downs that I've gone through since starting this process, I've never felt so dejected. Things just keep stacking against me and I can't understand the "why" of it all.
Why it has to be so hard.
Why I have to have fertility issues.
Why I can't get pregnant.
Why I am not responding to the stims.
Why this journey has to be so long.
Why I can't just "stop" trying.
I want to be positive and optimistic and hopeful... I really do. But right now...
I just need to feel the anger that Infertility has brought into my life.
I need to feel the frustration.
I need to feel the sadness.
I need to feel the aches.
I need to feel the losses.
I need to feel just how hard this path has been.
With trying to conceive, it's like you keep going and going and going. You jump over the hurdles. You pass the sadness. You keep looking forward to that DREAM. The dream that helps you stay positive and optimistic and hopeful. But sometimes... You need to just STOP and let yourself feel all the anguish.
This is that time for me.
There are thoughts that I've been fighting with... the thoughts of my body failing me... or the lifelong dream of having a birth child melting away... So much going on in my mind of getting so close to being forced to let go of my dream of having Baby C. It's all just so heartbreaking and I can't let myself linger too long on this or I might not have the power to keep moving forward.
My thoughts are swirling on possible next steps, which won't be clear until my next monitoring appointment on Sunday. But here are some options I'm going to discuss with my RE:
1) Continue with the Cycle. I need 4-5 follicles for this to happen.
Option: freeze the embryos after fertilization. Then do a 3-day FET in September. No PGS. The risk here is not knowing if they are PGS normal.
Option: let the embryos grow to day 5 and PGS test, as planned. Risk here is that maybe none will make it this far.
2) Convert to an IUI. I would need less than 4 follicles for this option.
3) Cancel the cycle and do nothing.
I have no clue what the right thing to do is. I hate that I have to make all these hard decisions and not knowing if I'm making the right/wrong choice. I just pray the answer is clear when I need to make the decision on Sunday... unless the decision is forced upon me and there is no progress with my 5 follicles.
I wish I had a crystal ball just about now...
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