To begin with, I wasn't even sure if I should do a new fresh cycle. It took me awhile to talk myself into it. Not to mention subtle suggestions from close friends suggesting maybe I should stop TTC altogether.
Originally I was just going to transfer my 2 frozen and go from there. Maybe I should've went that way to begin with? Hindsight can be a B.
It's so annoying that I had to convince myself to do this whole new egg retrieval process and I spent hours... maybe days... just thinking about it and weighing my options. Then I finally decide to move forward -- and this happens. Another cancelled IVF cycle. WTH.
Originally I was just going to transfer my 2 frozen and go from there. Maybe I should've went that way to begin with? Hindsight can be a B.
It's so annoying that I had to convince myself to do this whole new egg retrieval process and I spent hours... maybe days... just thinking about it and weighing my options. Then I finally decide to move forward -- and this happens. Another cancelled IVF cycle. WTH.
I've been on supplements for 3 months: CoQ10 and DHEA. Doesn't seem like they helped. Or maybe they did and for some reason the protocol that worked for IVF #2 decided not to work for IVF #3. Reason? Who knows! I don't have DOR (Diminished Ovarian Reserve), my baseline follicle count was the highest its been since I started this process (~15). Yet, it's all gone downhill. None of this makes any sense to me. Not to mention that physically, nothing is wrong with me. My blood work and numbers look really good. My uterine lining is always excellent. Yet, I haven't gotten pregnant with 6 IUI cycles and 2 embryo transfers. They call it, "Unexplained Infertility." No reason why. It's just what it is. God's plan? Perhaps.
Makes me wonder: Would another IVF protocol work? Should I try switching clinics? Would it be worth it to switch clinics after I've been with mine for 1.5 years and they know my history? Should I even try for another egg retrieval? Would any change really matter?
I'm starting to think that this cycle was doomed for failure. From my indecision on moving forward. From my horrible time ordering my medications. Almost like the Universe was telling me that maybe I shouldn't move forward with this egg retrieval cycle.
Not to mention how disconnected I've been feeling from TTC since FET #1 failed.
It just doesn't seem like any of the "cards" are aligning for me to have a baby. Each corner there's a new challenge. Each time, things don't go right. It's just so damn infuriating.
Yet, I'm moving forward with IUI #7. After all my complaining, the question might be the "WHY" in that. Why move forward? Why not just stop?
I don't know if I have a good answer to that. All I can think of is, "What if this time it works?" I have thought that EVERY single time... and it hasn't. But there's that damn thing called HOPE. That the next time will be the time. I just can't let myself believe that after this long journey that I won't have a baby at the end of it all. Even though reality has been hitting my head in with a hammer over and over telling me that not having a baby is a real possibility...
But damn hope. Hope tells a different story. Keeps the dream alive for me. That it's still possible. It can still happen. I can have a lucky IUI Cycle #7 or maybe a lucky Hail Mary FET #2 in September.
Even with all my bitterness and anger and frustration, I'm still not ready to call it quits yet because it's not over yet. There's still a small thread of hope weaving its way around my heart of the possibility that this can still happen.
Misplaced hoping? Maybe. Either way, it's time to turn around my attitude and get back on the positive train. I actually blame the fertility meds for my strong anger feelings. They're easy to blame, because they mess with my emotional balance. Dang meds.
I know the statistics on this IUI being successful. It's like only 6-10%. <sigh> But here I go anyways. As I said at my first IUI, "May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor."
Makes me wonder: Would another IVF protocol work? Should I try switching clinics? Would it be worth it to switch clinics after I've been with mine for 1.5 years and they know my history? Should I even try for another egg retrieval? Would any change really matter?
I'm starting to think that this cycle was doomed for failure. From my indecision on moving forward. From my horrible time ordering my medications. Almost like the Universe was telling me that maybe I shouldn't move forward with this egg retrieval cycle.
Not to mention how disconnected I've been feeling from TTC since FET #1 failed.
It just doesn't seem like any of the "cards" are aligning for me to have a baby. Each corner there's a new challenge. Each time, things don't go right. It's just so damn infuriating.
Yet, I'm moving forward with IUI #7. After all my complaining, the question might be the "WHY" in that. Why move forward? Why not just stop?
I don't know if I have a good answer to that. All I can think of is, "What if this time it works?" I have thought that EVERY single time... and it hasn't. But there's that damn thing called HOPE. That the next time will be the time. I just can't let myself believe that after this long journey that I won't have a baby at the end of it all. Even though reality has been hitting my head in with a hammer over and over telling me that not having a baby is a real possibility...
But damn hope. Hope tells a different story. Keeps the dream alive for me. That it's still possible. It can still happen. I can have a lucky IUI Cycle #7 or maybe a lucky Hail Mary FET #2 in September.
Even with all my bitterness and anger and frustration, I'm still not ready to call it quits yet because it's not over yet. There's still a small thread of hope weaving its way around my heart of the possibility that this can still happen.
Misplaced hoping? Maybe. Either way, it's time to turn around my attitude and get back on the positive train. I actually blame the fertility meds for my strong anger feelings. They're easy to blame, because they mess with my emotional balance. Dang meds.
I know the statistics on this IUI being successful. It's like only 6-10%. <sigh> But here I go anyways. As I said at my first IUI, "May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor."
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