I made it to beta testing day without testing early. J/K! Not me. I have no restraint. I've been peeing on a stick (POAS) since 3dpt (three days post transfer). I know, I know. I have no patience! So, POAS I did.... many, many sticks. I also spent many hours googling this and that.
"Faintest of faint lines on a FRER"
"Negative on 3dpt, but positive later"
"Evap lines on FRER"
"Indent lines on FRER"
"Positive on FRER after the recommended time"
You get the picture. Over obsessing much? Well yeah. TTC for so long, it becomes part of the "routine" in a way.
I was back and forth on whether I was going to post this blog entry... But I figure, I've been pretty up-to-date with things, so why stop now? Here is the madness from the last few days.
"Faintest of faint lines on a FRER"
"Negative on 3dpt, but positive later"
"Evap lines on FRER"
"Indent lines on FRER"
"Positive on FRER after the recommended time"
You get the picture. Over obsessing much? Well yeah. TTC for so long, it becomes part of the "routine" in a way.
I was back and forth on whether I was going to post this blog entry... But I figure, I've been pretty up-to-date with things, so why stop now? Here is the madness from the last few days.
Early Testing:
As I mentioned, I tested early... and often. It wasn't intentional, but once I started to POAS - I just couldn't stop! Here's how it's all gone down.
3dpt FMU (first morning urine) on Clinical Guard (CG - internet cheapie): Negative. I expected a negative, just wanted to get used to the POAS routine!
4dpt FMU on FRER (first response early results): Negative or slight shadow of a line? I saw *something* or could've been my line eyes. Not photographical. My thoughts: Inconclusive.
5dpt FMU on FRER and CG: Why not POAS with two different brands at the same time? I swear I saw another shadow of a line on the FRER, which was a little darker than yesterday's shadow. Now I'm thinking that maybe this box of FRER's was defective. The CG was negative (not unexpected as the CG is less sensitive). But I can clearly see a line within the "reading" window of 1-10 minutes on the FRER. Now, later in the day - 12 hours later - the line was clearer. Controversies galore on reading HPT's after the recommended time... Just google it, I did! My thoughts: Inconclusive
6dpt FMU on FRER and CG: a line came up right away on the FRER. But it was SOOOO faint!!!! But it wasn't a shadow of a line like the past few days. I did use a new box of FRER's, just in case the first box was defective. This one I could kinda sorta photograph where you can kinda sorta see the extremely faint line. IRL, it looks pink and I don't have to squint. But I may be seeing things. Something called, "line eyes." It's a real thing, I tell you! Why cameras can't pick up on it when it's so easy to see IRL, no clue. Now, the CG test there was also a very faint of the faintest lines you can ever get on these things. It was so light that I couldn't photograph it. The other days with CG, they were stark white. Can this be a BFP? The FRER got darker within an hour after taking the test and looked like a real positive after about 2 hours. My thoughts: Inconclusive.
I couldn't believe it! Then when my sleepy eyes looked at the FRER and the CG, the faint lines were a little darker than 6dpt!
Now... my initial reaction was that I was imagining the entire thing. So, I took a picture of it and looked at it, then looked back at the test and back at the picture. My first POSITIVE EVER!
I cried and prayed and cried and prayed and texted friends that knew I had my transfer and posted on the SMC board and cried and prayed some more. Then I just sat there starring at the "Pregnant 1-2 weeks" and wondering, "Can this really be real???!!" After all of this TTC, is it really happening this time?! I truly felt like I wanted to keep POAS all day, just to make sure I kept seeing a line. I did end up POAS one more time in the evening on the CG and it came back with a clear, yet light, line. So of course my concern is how light the lines are on the FRER and CG. Because there's not anything else to worry about, right? I wish I could relax for my beta test, but I'm anxious to hear the number before I get too crazy excited.
I'm cautiously optimistic... I know there's so much more that has to happen before I will ever feel comfortable. First, my beta tomorrow. What will my numbers be? Then the follow-up beta, will the numbers double? There's more after that... but I want to take one step at a time, as I've done this entire time. Focusing too far ahead is a little overwhelming. So... next step: Beta test to confirm pregnancy.
Right now, it "Maybe" worked and I may be a little pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to be happy with that right now and try to focus on positivity and the possibility of all of this. I have to admit to crying throughout the day every time I though that there may be a baby growing inside me... I just hope this is really it. Please be a sticky little one (or two).
Next Steps:
For those looking at this picture that haven't been TTC, you're probably thinking, "I don't see anything!" Yeah, that's the POAS TTC-ers. A line, even if faint, is supposed to mean "pregnant." Also, I'm testing early... so it's almost expectant to get a squinter like this. Which can mean = line eyes!
At this point in my POAS marathon madness... I was going a bit crazy. Too scared to think "this is it" and more thinking that I should prepare myself for a negative. I have been scouring the Internet and no matter what search terms I put in, Google can't tell me if I'm pregnant. LOL. Duh. But hey, it'd be nice if there was something more definitive. My thoughts are: Can I get a really clear second line where there's no wondering?!!! Please and thank you!
At this point in my POAS marathon madness... I was going a bit crazy. Too scared to think "this is it" and more thinking that I should prepare myself for a negative. I have been scouring the Internet and no matter what search terms I put in, Google can't tell me if I'm pregnant. LOL. Duh. But hey, it'd be nice if there was something more definitive. My thoughts are: Can I get a really clear second line where there's no wondering?!!! Please and thank you!
Then my thoughts also wondered: my transfer was at 2:15~2:30pm in the afternoon. does that mean when I do FMU that I'm actually only at 5 1/2 days instead of 6 days? Does that "half day" matter where HCG is concerned? I just want to know!!! The circle of thoughts and still no answers.
Then, just because I could, I POAS on the CG again, since I have so many. Did one in the afternoon = same faint positive line and one in the evening = same faint positive line.
That's when I decided I would finally pull out the ClearBlue Digital for the next day testing.
7dpt: The ClearBlue Digital (CB) had me a bit scared. I was worried to take it. Why? Normally they need a higher concentration of HCG and every other time I've taken it, I've gotten the horrid "Not Pregnant" result. It just makes it so real. So I had decided that IF the CB was negative, that I would stop squinting at lines and call the cycle a bust.
I reluctantly got up in the morning to "get it over with" as I was for sure expecting to see a negative from this digital test. At 5am I crawl out of bed, pee in the cup, then dip all three tests in. Why not? I have the tests, might as well use them! Then I waited. I didn't see the line on the FRER right away and was thinking, "Oh no, is the line going to be lighter than yesterday or is it going to be another squinter?" Then... the digital finished processing and this is what I got:
Then, just because I could, I POAS on the CG again, since I have so many. Did one in the afternoon = same faint positive line and one in the evening = same faint positive line.
That's when I decided I would finally pull out the ClearBlue Digital for the next day testing.
7dpt: The ClearBlue Digital (CB) had me a bit scared. I was worried to take it. Why? Normally they need a higher concentration of HCG and every other time I've taken it, I've gotten the horrid "Not Pregnant" result. It just makes it so real. So I had decided that IF the CB was negative, that I would stop squinting at lines and call the cycle a bust.
I reluctantly got up in the morning to "get it over with" as I was for sure expecting to see a negative from this digital test. At 5am I crawl out of bed, pee in the cup, then dip all three tests in. Why not? I have the tests, might as well use them! Then I waited. I didn't see the line on the FRER right away and was thinking, "Oh no, is the line going to be lighter than yesterday or is it going to be another squinter?" Then... the digital finished processing and this is what I got:
I couldn't believe it! Then when my sleepy eyes looked at the FRER and the CG, the faint lines were a little darker than 6dpt!
Now... my initial reaction was that I was imagining the entire thing. So, I took a picture of it and looked at it, then looked back at the test and back at the picture. My first POSITIVE EVER!
I cried and prayed and cried and prayed and texted friends that knew I had my transfer and posted on the SMC board and cried and prayed some more. Then I just sat there starring at the "Pregnant 1-2 weeks" and wondering, "Can this really be real???!!" After all of this TTC, is it really happening this time?! I truly felt like I wanted to keep POAS all day, just to make sure I kept seeing a line. I did end up POAS one more time in the evening on the CG and it came back with a clear, yet light, line. So of course my concern is how light the lines are on the FRER and CG. Because there's not anything else to worry about, right? I wish I could relax for my beta test, but I'm anxious to hear the number before I get too crazy excited.
I'm cautiously optimistic... I know there's so much more that has to happen before I will ever feel comfortable. First, my beta tomorrow. What will my numbers be? Then the follow-up beta, will the numbers double? There's more after that... but I want to take one step at a time, as I've done this entire time. Focusing too far ahead is a little overwhelming. So... next step: Beta test to confirm pregnancy.
Right now, it "Maybe" worked and I may be a little pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to be happy with that right now and try to focus on positivity and the possibility of all of this. I have to admit to crying throughout the day every time I though that there may be a baby growing inside me... I just hope this is really it. Please be a sticky little one (or two).
- 9/30: Beta test!!!!!!! Hoping to get good news!
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