20w+3d: Bleeding

At about 4pm yesterday I went to the bathroom and when I wiped, I had bright red blood. I tried not to freak out... but then I kept wiping and there was more and more blood. I looked in the toilet and there was a lot of blood in the toilet that had leaked out. There were also some small blood clots in the blood.

It was so unexpected and so "out of place" in a way...  we had just gotten home and my son was in the living room singing and playing and just so happy... he was having such a good day and I was looking forward to spending the evening with him. To get bleeding, seemingly out of nowhere, just felt like a moment that shouldn't be happening at such a happy part of the day. I remember looking at myself in the mirror in such shock that this was happening and not knowing what to do or what to think or how much to worry or what.

I didn't think I would go to the hospital due to my last experience with bleeding - where they didn't really do anything and I could've just waited for my next appointment. Initially, I started crying and kept telling myself, "Don't freak out. Calm down." I even changed out of my work clothes thinking I would just go to the OB or something the next day... But I decided to call the OB. They transferred me to a nurse. The nurse told me to go to the ER. I asked her if I should go to Labor & Delivery (L&D) instead and she said, "No, because I was too early for them to help me" is what she said... because basically I haven't reached viability (24 weeks).

Since I was directly told to go to the hospital, I felt like I had no choice and that I needed to follow the nurses advice. The first thing I had to figure out was: what do I do with my son? I called his godmother to see if she was available to watch him. She was -- thank goodness! She later apologized to me and said she didn't really register what I was saying when I said that I had started bleeding and needed to go to the ER. She said I was so calm about it, that she didn't initially get the "emergency" of the situation until we hung up the phone. She came to get my son right away and she had the forethought to have ask me if he could spend the night and to pack clothes for him. Thank goodness she did, because I ended up being at the hospital until pretty late (compared to my son's bedtime). She also offered to bring him to daycare the next day for me, so I wouldn't have to worry about things. I am so grateful to her for all of that... Means so much to have my son taken care of where I didn't have to worry about him at the same time with worrying about the baby.

It might sound weird, but I had a lot guilt and regret about not spending time with my son... Like I was taking time away from him. I was also sad that I wouldn't get to spend time with him when he was in such a good mood. But I'm glad he was able to spend the evening joyful, without a care in the world, and well taken care of - even if I couldn't be with him.

After my son was picked up, I headed to the ER. The same ER I went to when I had my last bleed. When I got there, they told me to go to L&D. I hesitated and told them that the nurse specifically said not to go to L&D. They called L&D to confirm that that's where I should go -- and they told me it was better for me since they could help me better. So, I had to walk all around the hospital before I could take the elevator to the maternity floor. I had calmed my crying at this point... but for some reason, that long ass walk just felt overwhelming and I cried again.

When I made it to the L&D floor... it was so weird because there were people arriving for a maternity floor tour... with cookies and lemonade out. There were people waiting in the waiting area. It was so lively with excitement that just didn't match my feelings of despair. I hated that my first experience on the L&D floor was for a miserable reason and not for a fun/exciting tour.

Once I arrived, they checked me in - gave me an ID bracelet thing - and then brought me back to the triage room. The triage room was a weird experience as I was the first one to arrive for the night and the nurse was super perky and happy and giddy. It was hard to focus on her because my mind was on doom and gloom and she was just so damn perky.

The first thing she had me do was go to the bathroom, remove all my clothes, give a urine sample, leave my bloody pad on the table so she could look at it, she gave me mesh panties and a HUGE pad, and a hospital gown. She said it so quick, that I had to pause and repeat what she just said to make sure I got all the directions right. As I peed to give my urine sample and saw all the blood that was still there -- I started my crying again.

She then brought me to Triage Bed #1 and the first thing she did was check for fetal tones. Once she found his heartbeat, beating strong at 150 bpm -- I just cried and cried. Thank goodness he still had a heartbeat. Then she hooked me up to a monitor thing that went around my tummy to check if I was having contractions -- which I wasn't.

The doctor on-call was from my OB office and had access to my records. She said with my history of a SCH and since I just had an ultrasound last week, that she wasn't going to have them check my cervix or do an ultrasound. There was some talk about them possibly putting me on bed rest... But I was to stay in the hospital for them to monitor my bleeding.

I was in the hospital for a little over 3 hours. During that time, the triage room filled up. One pregnant lady was trying to do a home birth that didn't go well, she was over 41 weeks pregnant - so they came in to deliver at the hospital. Another lady was pregnant with twins at 18 weeks and I guess she was having issues, this was her 2nd visit in 2 weeks. Then another lady came in because she said she couldn't feel her baby and was having anxiety attacks, she was about 23 weeks. You hear a lot just sitting there in the bed in the triage room...

They monitored my bleeding and it had started to slow down. Then it seemed to have stopped, so they decided to discharge me and put me on "pelvic rest." Which I was glad it was pelvic rest and not bed rest... because the thought of bed rest stressed me out more than anything... the logistics of what that would mean for work... for taking care of my son... for managing my household. It was just too much to process.

They said I would have to follow-up with my OB at my regularly scheduled appointment this Friday and then with my MFM next week (already scheduled). The nurse also told me I need to go to a different hospital if I have another episode and I'm still under 32 weeks. At this hospital, they don't have the NICU to care for babies under 32 weeks.

They don't know what caused the bleeding. The doctor said it's probably another SCH and that they couldn't do anything about it, if it was. They didn't do any extra monitoring... which I question now. At the time though, I was extremely exhausted to question anything and just deferred to the experts.

So, I guess I won't really know what it was all about until my appointments... if they can decipher why I bled. Which just baffles me because everything looked PERFECT at my anatomy scan just a week ago. I just don't understand...

I guess I could get into all my thoughts and feelings with a different entry, as this one is getting so long.

But I'm just so emotionally tired... This much wanted baby, it pains me to think that maybe he won't make it into this world. It's so overwhelming thinking about the possibility. I feel like this pregnancy has just been riddled with so much fear and worry at each turn. Every single time I let myself feel comfortable... to let myself relax... to let myself get excited -- something always happens to have me back to anxious and worried and scared.

Right now... I'm counting down to my doctor's appointments... and I'm counting down to 24 weeks when we hit viability... Because I feel like, if something happens at that point -- at least maybe my baby has a chance to make it. If something happens before then... I can't even let myself think about it.

Praying to God that at the end of this pregnancy that my baby boy is in my arms healthy and thriving.

Edited to Add: I was having really bad headaches that were coming and going since Monday. I also was having back pain. I wasn't sure if the headaches were related to my sickness and congestion. The backaches have been there for awhile now, so didn't think anything of it. My stomach also felt "different" when the bleeding started happening, but I had been feeling some twitches all day. I thought originally that I may be feeling baby move because it felt like jabs and I had been wondering if baby boy was getting big enough for me to feel him despite my anterior placenta. Now, I wonder if it was all a precursor to the inevitable bleed? Hard not to overthink things or question every single weird/different feeling hoping to decipher something to explain it.