Pre-Natal Depression

I've been meaning to post on the fact that I may have pre-natal depression (AKA antenatal depression). It's not something easy to talk about or admit... It's not talked about very much and many people have never heard about it before -- including me.

I started to suspect that I may be exhibiting signs of depression a few weeks ago. I first mentioned it in my blog post at 23 weeks and would say I started noticing signs of it after my big bleed at 20 weeks.

I don't know what to say about it... accept to maybe just say how I've been feeling.

I've been feeling really angry.
I'm highly irritable.
I'm short-tempered.
I'm not parenting as I'd like.
I'm not motivated.
Things that should motivate me -- don't motivate me anymore.
Old "hurts" have resurfaced and feel fresh.
I have some self-loathing feelings.
I have been very anti-social, more than usual.
I feel like I've been "living in my head" if that makes sense.
I feel very sad the majority of the time.
It's hard for me to function normally.
I have little to no energy to give.

That's just scratching the surface really. I do realize that some of this can be due to my pregnancy hormones and some of it can be "normal" pregnancy-related stuff. But I know the depths of my feelings are beyond just the "normal."

So, what to do about it? 

The easy thing would be to ignore it! It crossed my mind many times. I can act normal and no one would know the difference. But then I had to think about my baby boy and how it would impact him -- there's some scary stuff out there on how antenatal depression impacts babies in utero... That's the big thing for me -- what can I do about this?

I've told my MFM about it, I'm planning to talk to my OB about it on Friday. My MFM did a referral to a therapist, which I have scheduled in a few weeks. I have a feeling medication might come into play here... but I don't want to take any meds. But I worry that my preconceived notions of antidepressants may get me into trouble and may impact my pregnancy negatively... so I'm trying to keep an open mind and not shut the door on possible remedies.

Those that suffer from antenatal depression often experience postpartum depression... Which sucks big time thinking that even if things get "resolved" for the remainder of my pregnancy that I may suffer doubly after my baby is born...

Admitting I'm going through this is hard.

Talking about it is hard.

I want to feel empowered to just "soldier on" through this and to "deal with it" and move on. But I can't. Every time I thought that maybe the depression cloud has lifted, I'm faced with more of it - more anger and more bad thoughts. It also sucks because now there's "this" on top of everything else that needs to be taken care of in life... It just feels like a lot to have to deal with and then that adds to my pile of crappy depressive thoughts. Sometimes I just feel like I'm in this big mighty storm that I can't escape.

I just wanted to provide an update and I was tempted to not post about it again...  as I mentioned, it's not easy to talk about or to even admit to myself -- yet alone others.

I'm hoping for good insight from my OB on Friday (very doubtful) and I'm also hoping I like the therapist. Will see how I manage to get through all this.