I know what people say:
"It'll happen when it's supposed to."
"All in God's time."
"Don't worry about it."
"Don't stress"
"Try not to focus on it."
Give me a break. There is NO WAY I can't focus on it! It's a bit hard because I still haven't told many people about this journey, so I only have a few friends that I can really talk to about this. However, I don't want to talk their ears off! Which is odd in a way, not being able to talk freely about something that is totally consuming my thoughts.
It's not that I have a need to tell people about this journey. I decided early on that it's really no one's business and I am under no obligation to tell anyone about it (besides Baby C). Which I feel 100% comfortable with. I feel good about the friends that I have confided in and that's enough for me. It just feels weird to have this big thing going on in my life and trying to keep it under wraps. I'm so excited about it, some days I just want to be able to say "I have this really great thing that I'm going through!" and blab all about it. People find this process fascinating, especially the sperm donor aspect :)
What I've found the most perplexing about this process is how complex conception really is. How everything needs to be lined up accordingly to have a little baby. Yet, people get pregnant ALL THE TIME! Miracles all around us, it's truly amazing and wonderful.
I may or may not tell more people about "how" I got pregnant. But really, I don't want everyone to know I'm trying to conceive until I've successfully made it through conception -- then through my first trimester of pregnancy. With my age and all the "high risk" factors, there's no way to tell how things will play out or how quickly I'll be able to conceive.
Therefore, I will quietly obsess about this baby making process by writing all my thoughts in this blog entry while I wait for my CD 11 U/S on 4/9. Not that I'm counting down the days or anything.... ;) Sorry in advance if it's a long entry!
CD#4 (4/2/15): I've only had 1 day of Clomid so far and I feel extremely bloated. I'm also having some "pains" on my right side. I'm thinking it might be from my ovary?! Not really sure since I've never really "felt" my ovaries before!! It's a possibility it can be from AF being extremely heavy today... However, this feels different than my normal cycle/cramps and these are side effects of taking Clomid. Kind of crazy to have an instant reaction to medication like this, especially since I'm on a low dosage. Well, hopefully the Clomid is working it's baby making magic and maturing 1-3 of my follicles.
I received a call from my pharmacy and my other meds are being shipped to me: The HCG Trigger shot and the Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories. The meds should arrive tomorrow. I won't need these until next week.
Thoughts for today: I really need to pray to God. I need to talk to my ovaries and my follicles - tell them it's serious business this month! I need to stay positive. I need to stop obsessing or I need to obsess in a productive manner :) It's going to be a long month...!
CD#5 (4/3/15): Last night, on my 2nd day of Clomid - I had my first "HOT FLASHES!" I was at a meeting last night and had to take my pill prior to the meeting (I take it with dinner). During the meeting, I was sweating so bad, it was horrible. I was also wearing a dress and there was sweat dripping down my legs. Disgusting :( Then, just like that - they stopped. Weird.
Today, I found out about something called "INSEMISOCKS". I've been following the SMC message boards, which I'm LOVING by the way. So much information, advice, knowledge, support. I am so happy I decided to join this group. Well, someone mentioned: Insemisocks. Women will wear cute socks while they are having their IVF/IUI procedures done. I love the idea so much I'm going to have to buy some new socks for my first IUI!!! Make some fun out of it. I've been trying to think about how I can stay relaxed the day of the IUI and deal with all the anxious energy I have right now. This can be one fun way to deal with things. I might even buy a few cute socks to wear for my U/S CD 11 and for any other time I'm "on the table".
Thoughts for today: It's getting closer and closer, almost there!
CD#8 (4/6/15): Last day of Clomid was yesterday. I hope that means that my hot flashes stop!!! Man, those things are torturous!! Yesterday was also Easter. It really snuck up on me this year, I wasn't done shopping for my Little Guy's basket! I finished Little Miss's, but am missing a few items for Little Guy. So, they'll get their baskets post-Easter. I did a "summer" theme again: bathing suits, hats, towels, sunglasses, flip flops, sand toys. Then the traditional: chocolate Easter bunny and peeps. I just couldn't find a swim suit for Little Guy in his size.
Last few days I've been thinking to myself: What if this doesn't work? What if I have a hard time getting pregnant? What if... what if... what if... Can drive myself crazy with those questions. However, it's hard not to think about it. There is only a 20% chance that this cycle will work. That makes it an 80% chance that it won't work. That's the reality of it. But then I also think: What if it works?! What if I'm part of that lucky 20% to have it work? Then I get a big smile on my face and think just how amazing that moment is going to feel.
Thoughts for today: I will trust that God has a plan for me and that I will be led in the right direction. I pray that I will accept that path, where ever it leads me.
Also, is it CD#11 yet??!!!
Last few days I've been thinking to myself: What if this doesn't work? What if I have a hard time getting pregnant? What if... what if... what if... Can drive myself crazy with those questions. However, it's hard not to think about it. There is only a 20% chance that this cycle will work. That makes it an 80% chance that it won't work. That's the reality of it. But then I also think: What if it works?! What if I'm part of that lucky 20% to have it work? Then I get a big smile on my face and think just how amazing that moment is going to feel.
Thoughts for today: I will trust that God has a plan for me and that I will be led in the right direction. I pray that I will accept that path, where ever it leads me.
Also, is it CD#11 yet??!!!
CD#9 (4/7/15): Now, I've become fixated on the timing. When does the IUI take place after the trigger shot? My RE told me 36 hours. But it's possible I can have the IUI in less than that if I trigger after the U/S on Thursday... I've entrusted my research to Google-verse... From what I gather from the millions of forums, blog posts, & websites is inconclusive. Lol. It's looking like the norm can be from 24-36 hours, depending on your clinic... I wish I can stop "researching" it. But it's really fascinating, when the egg is released vs how long washed sperm live in the uterus. The timing needs to be perfect to make sure the sperm meet the egg. I will just need to trust that my RE wants to get me pregnant & will do what he thinks is right with the timing. So far I have not been led astray!
I'm so tense, I decided to schedule a massage on Thursday! Need to relax!
Thoughts for today: Getting closer to determining the IUI date. Will it be April 10th? April 13th? April 14th? I'm still guessing April 13th - but I'm starting to favor April 10th. If I'm having so much impatience just WAITING for my IUI, imagine how the dreaded 2 week wait are going to be. Oh my...!
I'm so tense, I decided to schedule a massage on Thursday! Need to relax!
Thoughts for today: Getting closer to determining the IUI date. Will it be April 10th? April 13th? April 14th? I'm still guessing April 13th - but I'm starting to favor April 10th. If I'm having so much impatience just WAITING for my IUI, imagine how the dreaded 2 week wait are going to be. Oh my...!
CD#10 (4/8/15): Tomorrow... Tomorrow... CD11 U/S!!! Here's what I'm hoping for: 1) 2-3 mature follicles that are a good size (>18mm), 2) uterine lining to be good (need to be >7mm & have a good "triple layer"), 3) get my trigger day/time & 4) schedule IUI!!
If my follicles have not matured to the right size and my lining is not thick enough -- then the IUI would be delayed as I can be put on more medication to help improve these factors. There is also a small possibility that my cycle can be cancelled... So hoping and praying for good mature follicles and a nice triple layer uterine lining. Let's hope the Clomid and the Baby Aspirin worked its wonders.
It almost doesn't feel "real". All this anticipation and I'm not feeling too anxious at the moment. That must be good... Although, I think tomorrow I'll feel the nerves more! I'm also seeing the other RE, not my normal one. I don't like him as much as my RE. His bedside manner isn't as "warm".
If my follicles have not matured to the right size and my lining is not thick enough -- then the IUI would be delayed as I can be put on more medication to help improve these factors. There is also a small possibility that my cycle can be cancelled... So hoping and praying for good mature follicles and a nice triple layer uterine lining. Let's hope the Clomid and the Baby Aspirin worked its wonders.
It almost doesn't feel "real". All this anticipation and I'm not feeling too anxious at the moment. That must be good... Although, I think tomorrow I'll feel the nerves more! I'm also seeing the other RE, not my normal one. I don't like him as much as my RE. His bedside manner isn't as "warm".
Thoughts for today: One more day and the next steps will be clear. Just one more day...!
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