The Question

In a previous post, I mentioned that I have been having major doubts about moving forward with IVF #3. I was discussing my potential next steps with a friend and she asked me how I would feel if I never had a birth child. 

She wasn't asking it to be mean. She's never had a birth child and has never had the drive to have a birth child. So, she was curious and wanted to understand.

I've always dreamed about being pregnant and having a baby. I think I've dreamed about it since I was a little girl. It's always something I was looking forward to when I grew up, becoming a birth mother (and adopting). Basically, getting to be a mother.

When she asked me this question... my immediate response:

"It would hang over me for the rest of my life if I didn't do everything I could do to have a birth child." 

She was shocked at my response... and so was I. I was surprised about how much I truly feel that way. That I have to exhaust every possible IVF route before I can say, "I've done all I could do."

I'm not there yet. 

That made me start thinking about all my doubts in my previous post and deciding if I truly should go through with IVF #3. What would make me feel like I've done all I could do? That's when I decided that I needed to draw a line in the sand... a STOPPING point. Not a hard stop, but a "stop for now." All this continuos TTC is taking a toll on me. I've talked about stopping points when I was doing my IUI's and contemplating IVF. Originally, I wasn't going to move towards IVF. Then I was only going to do ONE IVF cycle. Then I did a second. Now I'm doing a third.

I need to give myself permission to STOP. 

I think it would give me peace of mind and release myself from this obligation of staying on the TTC train and trying and trying and trying and trying. I've spent almost $25K on this process so far... looking to spend at least $10-$13K more (for IVF #3 and FET #2).

That leaves the question: Where's my stopping point? 

After thinking about this, I've decided that IVF #3 will be my last fresh cycle. I will go through FET's for all my PGS normal embryos. If the first one doesn't stick, I'll see if there's additional testing to be done on me. If none of them stick, I'll transfer (without testing) my 2 frozen from IVF #2. Then, I'm stopping. At that point I'll feel like I did all I could do to try and have Baby C. Or that's how I hope I feel.

None of this is concrete. It just means I'll stop "for now" and re-address at a later time. Maybe when I can cash-roll another IVF cycle, get out of debt from all my TTC costs, or maybe when I recover from this emotional roller coaster. I just need to be smarter about my financial position and make better choices. I don't want to bankrupt myself or put myself in a bigger hole that I wouldn't be able to get out of.

It's interesting because I felt like there was so much riding on all my other IVF cycles. It just "HAD TO WORK!" But I always knew that I would keep trying, keeping moving forward if it didn't work. Now, it's different. I know I'm getting close to the end of trying.

Strangely, there's a sense of calm about moving forward with IVF #3 now. I have a mental stopping point, which I'm getting very close to... But it feels like a relief to know it's there. That I can stop. And I can say that I've done all I could do to try and have a birth child. I have some peace with that thought.

So, IVF #3 is a GO for now. Let's see how it goes.

IVF #3 (Cycle 10): Doubts about moving forward

The plan from my post-consult meeting with me RE was: a fresh cycle with ICSI and PGS testing, freeze all cycle. Since I've had time to think things through, I'm starting to have doubts about moving forward.

Doubt #1: Testing my 2 embryos from IVF #2 

I'm running into an issue with testing my 2 embryos. I need a Sperm sample and the donor doesn't have any available right now. Which means I have to use a new donor for IVF #3. Meaning I'll have embryos from two different donors (if all goes well with IVF #3). Which is not what I want. I can save some $ if I don't thaw these embryos and I don't test them. I can always test later (when Sperm becomes available) or just never test them and do a Hail Mary FET if IVF #3 doesn't have any viable blasts.

I feel like I'm giving up on these embryos... It makes me want to just do the Hail Mary FET now and then do a fresh IVF cycle if it doesn't work. But that makes things complicated with the insurance coverage from my old job vs. the new job and banking embryos for a potential try for another baby in a few years. It's just all so complicated and to many different ways things can play out. 

Doubt #2: Going through a new IVF cycle while starting a new job 

I want to excel at my new job and kick butt in training! Can I do that if I'm on fertility meds? Will monitoring appointments make a bad impression on my new boss? I don't know... Going through IVF is such an emotional roller coaster! On the meds I'm an emotional mess. Asking for exceptions early on after starting a new job scares me. I need this job. I want this job. It's a great position with a wonderful company. I just don't want to risk screwing up this opportunity and being in a position where I don't have a job again -- ending up unemployed. Because I don't want to go through that scare again especially since I have to get my budgeting (debt snowball) crap together. 

Doubt #3: the price tag 

I need to cash-roll this IVF cycle. Which means I'm going to have to dip into a big chunk of my savings. Doable? Yes... but barely. That means instead of making a dent on my debt snowball, I'm going to focus that money on IVF#3. After being laid off, I really want to focus on putting myself in a financial position so that if this happens again, my family will be OK. That means I have to get rid of my debt. Doing a brand new IVF cycle with a price tag of $10k - give or take - really puts me behind on that goal. Again... Scary. Especially since there's no guarantee in any of this. So I can spend all this money (on top of the money I've already spent) and still not have a baby... which is where I'm sitting right now.

Logically, it totally makes sense to do another IVF cycle:

• I have the insurance coverage (which lowers costs - it would be closer to $20-25K without it)
• I'm still young so better quality eggs (vs waiting until I'm older)
• The timing "can" potentially work with the new job for monitoring (if I play my cards right and if my boss is flexible - don't know this factor yet)
• I also wanted to try for another baby in a few years - so makes sense to have more eggs for later (younger eggs)
• The FET timing will work with maternity leave from work (at the new job)... 

So theoretically, a new cycle makes total sense.

So if it's so LOGICAL, why do I have all the doubts? All these doubts have made me want to just stop. Transfer the 2 embryos I have left (with no testing) and then call it quits either way. I'm emotionally drained from this infertility journey. The thoughts of a whole new IVF cycle with the new job and the costs... stresses me out just thinking about juggling everything. Because life isn't all about trying to have this baby and IVF... I have a son, I have a house to maintain, I have a LIFE to live outside of fertility treatments. It just feels like my life since I started this journey in November 2014 has all been focused on having this baby.

I'm just feeling drained. I'm feeling a little defeated. I'm worried about my financial position. I'm worried about making a good impression at work. Adding another emotional, injection filled, hormone-induced, IVF cycle just makes me feel TIRED.

Am I making the right choice?
Should I stop?
Should I keep going?
When will be the time to call it quits on trying to have this baby?

At this point in my TTC/Infertility journey... I'm starting to think that maybe I'm having all these obstacles because I'm not meant to have a birth child... I HATE to think that. I hate it. But, what if that's my path? When is the time to accept that?

I've been considering moving forward with adopting a new child instead... But I've put such a hole in my financial position by going through fertility treatments, I can't afford to try domestic private adoption right now. I know I'm a foster parent, but I'm not fostering so I can adopt... I'm fostering so I can help. There's no guarantee that a child that comes into your care will become adoptable and as a foster parent it's important to support the case plan which is reunification. So, I don't foster so I can adopt... plus, I've had 9 children and 8/9 have returned to family and only 1 has led to adoption (my son). Which is funny because another fellow single foster mother has fostered 6 kids and 3 of hers she adopted. It's different for everyone. I don't look at fostering as a means to adoption, if that makes any sense. Which is why if I decide to adopt, I'll go the domestic private adoption route.

Ugh. Only if I had a crystal ball or a big neon sign showing me the way to go.

For now, I'm taking my DHEA and COQ10 to prep for the cycle and hoping it helps with egg quality. I'll make a decision when AF comes and it's time to start cycling. It's weighing heavily on my mind right now. Luckily I have time to make a decision. 

Fostercare Update: Preparing for Munchkin to leave

My little Munchkin is leaving in a few weeks. This by far is the hardest part of being a foster parent: Saying goodbye. I'm trying to prepare myself, and my son, for his eventual departure - but it's not easy. I have so much anxiety over him leaving, it makes it so hard. I can't get into details on his case, but I just worry for him. You'd think after fostering for 5 years and saying goodbye to my other foster children, it would get easier to part ways. It doesn't. Some hurt more than others... and Munchkin's departure will be up there with my heartbreaks. 

I'm praying that he'll be ok and safe when he leaves. But right now I'm a bit of an emotional wreck when I think about never seeing him again. He's become a part of our family while he was here, it's going to be so hard to say that final goodbye.

I don't have any elegant words right now about how I'm feeling... My heart is just hurting with how much I love him and how much I'm going to miss him. I'll try to express my feelings in more words in a different entry. Right now... it just hurts.

Budgeting Project: Baby Step #2 - Progress Report 1

As part of my Budgeting Project, I wanted to post Progress Reports for my Get out of Debt goal. I finished Financial Peace University (FPU) the same week I got laid off. But if you've been following my job hunting journey, you know I am starting a new job on 5/23! Yay :)

Getting laid off really put a damper on my budgeting project. I was scared to spend any money even though I was receiving a severance check. I just wasn't sure if or when I was going to get a job, so I really hunkered down. I completely stopped budgeting... I know --- BAD! But I think I was just scared of being in the red and not have anywhere to go from there.

Then, I got a job offer and then I felt free to spend (mostly to prepare for going back to work). I also had an appointment with a Financial Advisor in March, but since I got laid off -- It was just too much for me to deal with at the time. I did end up rescheduling and we met yesterday! Which I'm so happy we did, as now I have hope that YES, I can get out of debt. I just have to get back on the budgeting bandwagon.

I'm following the Dave Ramsey Baby Steps. I'll be on Step #2 (the debt snowball) for a long time...! But the good thing is -- I know I can do it! It might take awhile, but I will endure and make the necessary changes to finish each and every baby step. Right now the projection is that it'll take me 7 years to be 100% out of debt = 2023!! That's being extremely conservative. If I'm more aggressive (which I can figure out how aggressive I can be when I'm getting a regular paycheck), it can be a lot sooner. I am really gunning for 5 years = 2021!

Changes Prior to the Layoff 

Since I started Financial Peace University in January, I made some major financial changes and "found money," started budgeting, and made progress with a few debts (thanks to my work bonus and my tax return).

Started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University: 1/14/16, Graduated 3/10/16

Total Debts: 10 debts (not including my mortgage) 

1. Debt #1 - Paid off on 3/3/16! YAY! Paid of the week prior to being laid off. 
2. Debt #2 - CC
3. Debt #3 - CC
4. Debt #4 - Student Loan 
5. Debt #5 - Student Loan 
6. Debt #6 - Student Loan 
7. Debt #7 - Student Loan 
8. Debt #8 - Student Loan 
9. Debt #9 - 401K Loan with old company, going to get a tax hit in 2016 
10. Debt #10 - 401K Loan with old company, going to get a tax hit in 2016

Baby Step #2: Pay off All Debt with the Debt Snowball

2016 - January

• Cancelled Gym Membership $264 yearly savings. 
• Massage Membership (cashed out remaining massages into gift cards) $708+ yearly savings. 
• Made a spreadsheet to do my Cash Allocation. Realized I didn't have enough income to cover my basic costs. Basically, I was in the red. That's when I started making major changes. 
• Stopped my 401K Contribution... this was HARD to do. I was contributing 5% and my company matches 5%... But after doing my Cash Allocation, I knew I had to do it. 
• NOTE: This made a big impact on my take-home pay. 
• New budgeting process: Use the Cash Allocation spreadsheet for budgeting and import the values into YNAB. 
• UPDATE: Seemed to work for the first month, but I think working out of YNAB directly works better for me, so I'm not double doing things/making errors/forgetting things. Plus, YNAB budgets me down to ZERO - essentially doing the same thing as the Cash Allocation plan but automated. YNAB also has a feature where you can put a "goal" to pay off a debt by a certain date. I've started using this feature for my debt snowball. 
• Picked a financial "Buddy" to help me with my budget and to run big expenses by. Had first meeting to look t my Cash Allocation plan and find areas to save. Also, my buddy's the one that told me to stop my 401K contribution... 
• Made a new policy: 1 week "hold period" for large purchases of >$100. 
• This was a HARD decision... I have a house cleaner come 2x's a month to do all the deep cleaning. It is such a stress reliever knowing she's coming and cleaning my house... But when I added up the price, it's over $2000 a year!!! So, with much hesitation - stress - and sadness, I decided to tell her I couldn't keep her anymore :( One last cleaning in February, then I'm done for now. 

2016 - February

• Changed Security System providers. My current provider was $61/month. I moved to another provider for $46/month. I get much more for the price. I had to pay $$$ one-time for conversion and new equipment, but it was put into 3 monthly installments. So, overall savings is about $15/month. 
• Changed my W4 elections. I am getting so much back on my taxes, trying to get more back a month. Have to see how 2016 taxes go and see if I should "up" my elections. The W4 calculator suggested I add +3 elections to what I currently had. But I didn't feel comfortable with that, so only added +1. I might change this next year, depending on how tax season goes.  
• NOTE: This made a big difference on my take-home pay. 
• GOAL: Get a month ahead on my bills. Which I *was* before the holidays hit. I get paid on the 15th and last day of the month. I would like to get to where those two paychecks go to the next month's bills. With my bonus and tax return, this is totally possible and I'm implementing that on my paychecks in March. So, I would basically budget for April with my March paychecks. Moving my budget planning earlier (About the 25th of the month, as all my monthly bills hit by then). 
• UPDATE: Found a "Fancy" Debt Snowball spreadsheet from Life with Sarah on YouTube. I started using this spreadsheet for my debt snowball and LOVE it.  
• Modifying Debt Snowball: Decided to modify the debts I'm going to pay off first. Dave Ramsey says to pay off smaller debt first, to not look at interest rates... Well, I decided to tackle all my credit cards first (due to the interest rates). I have some student loans that have lower balances than my credit cards, but the interest rate is so much higher on the credit cards. Paying one student loan off wouldn't even be a big impact, as the monthly payment is way lower than my CC's. So I'm tackling: 
• 1) Credit Cards - smallest to largest. 
• 2) Student Loans - smallest to largest.
• 3) Other Loans - smallest to largest. 

2016 - March

• Created a spreadsheet for Monthly non-recurring expenses to track: Birthdays for gift costs, special events (baby showers, weddings, birthday parties), Holiday expenses, my personal events (baptism, birthdays, etc), house maintenance (yearly AC inspection, carpet cleaning, tree trimming, etc). 
• The PLAN: At the beginning of the month, I will look at the calendar and estimate the expenses for each of these categories and add it to my budget. I'm hoping that doing this for a year, it'll become a good habit. These were the "small" or "forgotten" items from my January/February budgeting. 
• Set-up a meeting with a Financial Advisor, ELP!  <rescheduled after layoff to May>
• Contacted Zander Insurance Group to see if I can get quotes for Auto / House Insurance. Turns out, I have pretty good coverage already! Decided not to switch. I did change some of my coverage though, as I didn't realize my coverages were on the low-side. This did increase my insurance costs, but it was better to change to the higher coverage and it was still lower than what I was being quoted by the Zander group. 
• NOTE: This is the first month that I actually felt like budgeting was "under control" and becoming a better habit for me. I'm starting to notice where there were gaps in my budget and why I was forgetting things. 
• Bad spending habits to curb: I did a little "free spending" due to my tax return and bonus money to buy some toddler-friendly items for my backyard. What I need to do is NOT do that, even if the expenses are not that big. Because putting them all together, the expenses do add up. I need to "budget" for these items better. Like, if I already did my budget for the month, then I can't purchase those items for the month and need to budget it for the next month. I have a "I want it now!" child mentality when I get an idea in my head for things I want to buy. 

** And then I was Laid Off ** 

Changes-To-Come with New Job 

Meeting with the Financial Advisor really made me feel good. It's really getting me back on track and gave me a clear direction on where I needed to go next. It was nice discussing my retirement and how comfortable I want to be when I retire. I'm very excited about eventually getting past Baby Step #2. I just have to stay focused on the end goal... What are my financial goals? I guess I never really touched on that. They are simple: 

1. Get out of debt and NEVER get back into debt. No more loans EVER. 
2. Have a 12 month emergency fund. I know this is extreme. I'm going to start off with building up to 6 months (in baby step #3), but I really want a years worth. If I ever get laid off again, I never want to be in the position where I feel like I can't provide for my family. 
3. Have adequate life insurance policies to take care of my kids. 
4. Be on a projection to be able to retire by 65. Which surprisingly, I am on this projection with my current retirement accounts. Yay! 
5. Have a good college fund set-up for my children. 
6. Then... eventually be able to DONATE to my Alma Mater, my foster care agency, and my church -- as much as I want! 

After meeting with my Financial Advisor, here are the the next steps for me: 

• Cash Out Stand-Alone Stock - In progress 
• Start budgeting AGAIN - restarted 5/10. Need to see how things look after my first month of a new paycheck (June) to see how much extra I can add to the debt snowball (while cash rolling my IVF cycle). Review budget with Financial Advisor when completed. 
• Retirement: 
• Roll over 401K to Traditional IRA 
• Roll over Variable IRA to Traditional IRA 
• Roll over Pension (from old company) to Traditional IRA 
• 401K Loans: Earlier I mentioned debts #9 and #10 were 401K Loans. I have the option to pay monthly or to take a tax hit. It turns out if I take the tax hit, it's cheaper than trying to pay it off. So, I'm opting for the tax hit. I have enough deductions and itemized expenses that I don't think it'll be that big of an impact on me. But I will budget for next year the amount of the tax hit, in case I end up owing taxes. 
• NOTE: I will NEVER take out a 401K loan again. Dave Ramsey doesn't recommend it and I wish I would've taken FPU years ago. Of course in FPU Dave Ramsey says that once you take out a 401K loan, you'll get laid off. I remember that class and thinking, "Oh crap, I hope that doesn't happen!" Then it did. It does happen. So, never again will I take a loan out of my retirement account. 
• College Savings: Open up a 529 account for my son. This is WAY down in the baby steps. But I wanted to get the account open and add to it as I can. But I really won't be adding much to it until I'm done with the debt snowball. 
• Cash roll my upcoming IVF Cycle, no new debt! Adding as a budget item for June. This is a big ticket item. I'm still considering if this is the right option (a new fresh cycle), but I'll have a separate blog entry on that. For now, I can cash roll it and I will budget for it. 
• Insurance: 
• Review Life Insurance options at new company with my Financial Advisor. 
• Fill any gaps with Term Life Insurance. 
• Designate the beneficiary to all my accounts to my Living Trust, as I set-up my estate planning earlier this year. 

Ok, I think that's it. It's been a crazy thing since the layoff. But I finally feel like my life's projection is back on track. I need to make a lot of changes and really focus on my Debt Snowball with Gazelle Intensity!!! I can do it. I just keep imagining the life we will live without the burden of all these debts. It's going to be so nice being on the other side... when I get there :) 

Mother's Day 2016: First as a Forever Family

Today was my first "official" Mother's Day, the first after the adoption of Little Guy. I wish I could say that I felt different or it was an extra special day or something. But it wasn't! It was just a normal day for us.

Last night, my foster agency had a "foster parent appreciation night." I received a recognition award, which was nice of them. With the event being so late, we didn't get home until late and the boys went to sleep later than normal.

This morning, Little Guy was a little grump - not wanting to wake up! He's normally very happy, but he likes his 10-12 hours of sleep and he didn't get that. But he's so funny because he quickly snapped out of it and was in his happy-go-lucky mood before I knew it. I would have let him sleep in, but we had to leave for church.

We went to Mass with Little Guy's Ninong and her family, bright and early at 8am! Then we went to brunch with his Ninong and her daughters. It was a cute little breakfast place and the food was yummy. I love seeing Little Guy with his Ninong and her daughters. They love on him and he enjoys spending time with them. It makes my heart feel so wonderful seeing how many people love my son. By the time we got home, it was time for nap time. The boys were extra tired and went down for nap relatively quickly. They both slept for 3.5 hours!! Which meant I got to take a nap for 3.5 hours! Woohoo! LOL. Really... if I can't sleep in past 6am on Mother's Day, a 3.5 hour nap is the next best thing that I could ever ask for :)

The rest of the day was uneventful, did our normal stuff - play outside, dinner, bath time.

Today I decided to do their foot prints right before bath. I want to make Mother's Day cards for their birth mothers. Silly me, used archival ink ---!!! It's all I had. Eeek! With a toddler and an almost-toddler, the ink got everywhere in the bathroom. Little footprints all over the bathtub...!

How do you get archival ink out?

I tried alcohol pads. Those worked, but they were so small -- couldn't clean up the entire mess.
I tried nail polish remover = did not work.
I tried rubbing alcohol = did not work.
I tried dish soap = did not work.
I tried hair spray = did not work.

At this point I was convinced I would have little black ink footprints all over my bath tub forever. The clean freak in me was quietly freaking out.

Then I Googled some more and finally came across Toothpaste. Thought, what the heck - let me give it a try. Can you believe that the toothpaste worked???!!! I used an entire tube on the bathtub. It picked up most of it. There's still some ink marks that just wouldn't lift. I'll need to apply more toothpaste later and scrub some more.

I wish I would've figured out the toothpaste thing sooner, as the boys both have ink-marked feet!! LOL. Oh my. I guess I'll try putting toothpaste on their feet tomorrow and see if it comes off.

Well, good intentions and all - next time I'll be better about it and not use archival ink!

Not to mention, Little Guy went poopoo on the potty! This was officially his THIRD time. Yay!

Anways, that was my uneventful Mother's Day.

Truth be told, I'm grateful every day for my son and for Munchkin. Not to mention my other foster babies that have come and left throughout the years. Being a single mom, I don't get "breaks" unless I pay for a babysitter! It's not always "easy" and there are challenges, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm so used to it and it's all I know, I'm not sure if I even think about the "no break single mom" thing anymore.

I love being a mom. I love being a foster mom. Not just on Mother's Day, but every single day. So, I don't get to sleep in past 6am ---ever. LOL. I don't get to be pampered or get breakfast in bed. Whatever. Those things don't matter to me. I look at my boys and I feel grateful. I think of all of my foster children and I feel grateful. Not to mention that I get to look into my son's eyes every single day and feel like the luckiest mama ever.

Highlights of the day: Brunch, 3.5 hour nap, spending time with my boys, Little Guy going poopoo on the potty, and the power of toothpaste! Can life get any better ;)

Happy Mother's Day to all the lucky Mama's out there!

FET #1 Post Mortem Consult + IVF #3 Plan

I had my WTF post-cycle consult with my RE today.

Here's the plan: Fresh IVF+ICSI Cycle, Freeze All, PGS Test + 2 frozen from IVF #2.

1. May: Month Off - no fertility meds. I've been on fertility meds almost every month for over a year! Time to give my body a break, even if it's a short one. 
2. June: Prep for IVF #3. Call on CD #1. Need to get period by June 19th to make the July retrieval. 
3. July: retrieval the week of July 18-22. 
4. August: If everything goes well with testing and we have normal PGS tested embryos, prep for FET #2, call on CD #1. Possible endometrial scratch.  
5. September: FET #2 with Transfer ~ 9/22 

We went over my cycle stats and everything looked great, no way to know why the cycle didn't work. There are 3 reasons it wouldn't work: 1) Embryo Quality, 2) Endometrial not receptive, or 3) Error on the actual Transfer. My RE says it's most likely due to embryo quality.

So many possibilities. The statistics show that most likely its #1: Embryo Quality. Which is why we need to do the testing to determine how many of the embryos are genetically normal. For my age, I should have a 60-40 % change of having normal eggs. Out of my 4 eggs, 2 didn't take. So who knows if the 2 left over are genetically normal or not, without testing them first. 

We discussed ERA testing, but my RE doesn't think that's necessary at this time. Will see if we have to come back to this at a later date. 

I'm having an issue with my donor. They need a sperm sample to send with the embryo biopsies for the PGS testing. Well, my sperm donor is sold out... Trying to find out if they can do the testing without the sperm sample and I'm also reaching out to the sperm bank to see if they have any extras... If not, I don't know if we'll be able to test the 2 frozen embryos. It also means I'd have to choose a new sperm donor for IVF #3. 

I had my financial consult and the costs are pretty high. I'm looking at a little over 10K for just the fresh IVF cycle with ICSI and PGS testing. There's a cost to freeze/refreeze my existing embryos. That price tag though... that doesn't even cover the FET #2 that'll happen in September, which would be another 3K or so. 

The infertility money pit that keeps taking and taking and taking. 

I feel that this plan is pretty sound and it makes sense. I still have dreams of trying for another baby in a few years. Better to get embryos now at 36 vs trying at 38/39 where egg quality goes down further. It makes sense to test the eggs to prevent any transfers of genetically abnormal embryos. 

So although I know this all logically makes sense... It still sucks to have to go through all of this again. It's a HUGE price tag, a HUGE time suck, a HUGE emotional rollercoaster. 

I'm starting to consider if this will be "it" for me. I don't think I will have another round of IVF in me after this. I'll have to re-evaluate things depending on how many embryos come back genetically normal. I secretly fear that I'll have zero embryos that are normal... I pray that's not the case and that I'll have a good % of normals.

But after all this... I'm getting close to stopping. Or at least stopping for a little bit. It's just getting to be too much and a little too emotionally hard. Have to see how things play out. Right now, I'm committed to the plan... I'm taking the month of May off and will be focusing on one step at a time to get through IVF #3.

Gratitude: April 2016

April was an interesting month with lots going on -- ups and downs: the job search, a lot of interviews, my first FET, my first job offer (YAY)! As always, when I focus on my Gratitude project it has helped me make it through some of the low times.

Here are a few of the things that I was grateful for in April:

• Getting more comfortable with major changes 
• Nice sunny days 
• Moving forward with new decisions 
• 90's music station on Pandora 
• Clothes steamer 
• My son's beautiful blue eyes 
• Feeling creative and rising to a challenge 
• Having time to run practical & needed errands 
• Having time to regroup 
• Attending a baby shower for a close friend 
• Making it to a 2nd round interview! 
• Shopping for household goods 
• Walks with my son 
• Foster parent training - learn new things 
• My son being fearless in new situations - willing to try anything 
• Getting some stuff in the house done
• Relaxing Sunday's 
• Going to my favorite restaurant for dinner
• Getting another job interview 
• Having my friend go to my FET with me 
• Having my embryo "home"
• My son enjoying his first movie in the theatre. 
• Being inspired at a toastmasters contest 
• Reading other infertility blogs 
• Hugs at bedtime with the boys 
• Going back to an old toastmasters club 
• Receiving my first job offer post-layoff! 
• Completing new employee paperwork and officially accepting a job offer
• Supportive SMCers that are so kind, reassuring, and supportive through my TTC journey 
• Making Plans to go back to work!