My Dysfunctional Family

This post will be a little difficult for me to write, as it involves discussing some family situations. This post will not directly relate to TTC or Adoption, but has its connections since I'm trying to build my family right now. Family impacts "family".

I wrote a post in 2010 with little bit about me, that touched on some of my background and why I became a Foster Parent. This will expand on that a bit. I have a pretty dysfunction family.

Family Dysfunction Report (the short version)

My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. I have an older brother and a younger brother (half-brother from my mother). My father raised my older brother and me. Our mother wasn't really in our lives growing up and caused more harm than good when she was in our lives. My father wasn't the most "maternal" person. We lived in constant chaos with a lot of hitting, yelling, screaming, hurting, ignoring. We didn't have meals together, we each ate in our rooms alone and watched TV in our rooms alone. The cops came to our house numerous times (called by the neighbors). After being a foster parent, I'm amazed that my brother and I were never taken into custody. But my father was an ex-cop and retired military, he knew how to play the "wounded single father act" raising his "difficult daughter." In the 1980's, single father's were a rarity.

Growing up was difficult. I didn't really have any guidance or direction or support. My father "put up with me". In hindsight, I wasn't the easiest of children. Having been a foster parent, I know now that it wasn't my fault - but back then, I felt like it was my fault that our family was the way it was. It didn't help that my brother, father, and mother supported those guilty feelings. I was the "black sheep of the family" who "ruined everything" (not my words).

In 2001 my parents re-married. You would think "that's wonderful!" But the truth of it was, my mother was using my dad and it was a disaster for many reasons. At that point in my life, I was away at college - but it still impacted me greatly. They legally separated in 2008, but haven't actually divorced yet. So technically, the second marriage has lasted longer than the first marriage (although my parents haven't even seen each other since 2009). The marriage was really over before 2008, but that's when the big fall out happened. I haven't seen or spoken to my mother since 2009. She refuses to see my older brother and me. My brother can care less about seeing her. I'm back and forth on it. But it's her choice to be away from her children. Not sure if I'll write an entry about my Mother... maybe one day.

My Relationship with my Father

My relationship with my father has gone from hot to cold throughout the years. We weren't close when I was living in his household (I moved out at 18). But when I moved out, we grew closer - although it was still a toxic relationship. My father was the only "family" I really had. We have no cousins/aunts/uncles in the United States.

In 2010, we had a big falling out. Bigger than our normal fights. It lasted until last month (July 2015).  It may sound weird and others think it's mean, but the separation from contact with my father was a blessing in disguise. We had such a toxic relationship, that not speaking to him felt good. No more arguments, no more judgments, no more put downs, no more guilt, no more blaming. I didn't even realize that I felt all those things until contact was stopped with my father. I could finally breathe and could focus on my life as it was -- and not the way he told me I was. If that makes sense? I started working on myself, I started taking PS-MAPP classes to become a foster parent. I completed my Sacraments through RCIA at the Catholic Church. I got into the best shape of my adult life. I was feeling really good about my life choices.

I did try to reconcile with my father multiple times the first few years. He refused to return my phone calls, didn't respond to my emails, and was bad mouthing me to my brother. Eventually I gave up. Figured, it takes two people to make a relationship work - he wasn't ready or willing. But I left it open, that if he reached out to me that I would be willing to try and work it out. My dad is stubborn though, but I didn't think it would take him half a decade to finally talk to me.

The first year was the hardest without the contact. I felt very lonely. I had just moved to a new State and haven't made many friends out here yet. Having birthdays and holidays pass with no calls - no cards - nothing... was really tough.

Last month, Little Guy and I attended a friend's wedding. We grew up together, so our entire family was invited (my dad, my brother, and me). I wasn't sure what was going to happen when I saw my father. Would he ignore me? Would he cause a scene at the wedding? What was going to happen? I was pretty freaked out about it and felt totally unprepared.

My father didn't know anything about my life in the last 5 years. Since our falling out, I become a single foster mother. I fostered 8 children. I am in the process of adopting my Little Guy. I am also TTC my first birth child (which no one in my family knows about yet). So much has happened, that I feel like a totally different person.

At the wedding, he didn't initiate conversation. Everyone just told me, "Talk to him." Finally, I had no choice. I just went up to him and said, "Hi Dad, this is Little Guy, your soon-to-be grandson." My dad was pretty shocked. He actually thought Little Guy was my birth child at first! My dad has blond hair/blue eyes like Little Guy does. We talked a little bit, I told him about being a foster parent and about adopting Little Guy. He was surprised and had no clue. He said he was "proud of me." He even hinted that he may make the adoption, which unexpectedly made me thrilled.

We didn't talk about what had happened with our big falling out in 2010. It wasn't the right venue for that, we were at a wedding. I let myself think that maybe this was the start of reconciliation. I even started to think, "Wow, Little Guy can have a Grandpa!" This was a big shocker for me... as I just looked at "my family" as my brother and me for so long. I started imagining Little Guy having a relationship with his Grandpa.

I started to believe that it would all work out. I didn't have a "happily ever after" thing in mind... but I never had grandparents growing up and I just thought how wonderful it would be for Little Guy to have a Grandpa.

We're visiting town again over Labor Day weekend so I can visit with some of my dear friends. I decided to call my father and see if he wanted to meet Little Guy and me for lunch. Maybe start building back our relationship and for him to get to know Little Guy. I was also contemplating telling him about TTC and *if* this cycle was a success, if I would tell him early.

I called last week. He didn't pick up. I was too scared to leave a message (but my name/number came up on the caller ID). Then, I called again last weekend and this time had enough guts to leave a message.

It's been a week and he hasn't called me back.

At first, I thought: "give it a few days". Now that it's a week later... I'm not so sure he's going to call me back.

I didn't expect to be so disappointed. But I am. I let some of those walls down that I've built throughout the years. I started to believe in my "Family" again. I started to believe that my father would be at our adoption. I started to imagine Little Guy having a Grandpa in his life. I started imagining having my dad back in my life.

Now, I wish I would've kept my guard up.
I wish that his lack of contact didn't impact me so negatively.
I wish it didn't hurt so bad.

It doesn't help that the adoption process isn't going as smoothly as I'd like.
It doesn't help that I think Cycle #4 is going to be a NTT.

I tried to bury my disappointment, but today it was just too much. Maybe he'll surprise me and call me back? Maybe he'll surprise me and show up to the adoption? I don't know. I honestly just feel like closing that door. Now, I wonder if he'll disappoint Little Guy if I allow him to have a relationship with him. But I also wonder if Little Guy will be resentful of me if I don't allow him a relationship... Not to mention what would happen if/when Baby C arrives. Choices - choices.

For now, he's not contacting me. I'll cross that bridge if I have to. Right now, I'll just go on as I have and not expect anything from my father.