IUI Cycle #4: Test Results and Cycle 4 Final Thoughts

The big question: Am I pregnant? Yes or No?

Test Results: 

• 10dpIUI, 8/27 -HPT Wondfo, Negative 
• 12dpIUI, 8/29 - HPT FRER, Negative 
• 13dpIUI, 8/30 - HPT ClearBlue Digital,  Negative 
  

• 14dpIUI, 8/31- Beta Test, Negative Confirmed. 

No, I'm not pregnant. 😢

How do I feel? 

Getting that first negative on 10dpIUI was emotionally hard. I knew it was early to test and I actually didn't plan on testing until 12dpIUI. But I broke down and tested. Seeing the negative was heartbreaking. When I received the negative at 12dpIUI, I knew that it was over. Then, receiving the confirmation call from the RE's office -- was cringe worthy. I was expecting it, but hearing it made it worse. Nurse, "Unfortunately the results are negative." Ugh. I hate that I have to do a blood test to confirm even when I know it's negative. But I understand why they do it... since not all HPT's are accurate and better to know for sure. 

I really thought this cycle would work, that I would be planning for Baby C to arrive. The negative dashed my hopes for that. It's not that I don't believe in God's planning... What's hard is I don't know if God's planning includes me having a birth child, which is devastating and hard to accept. 

I'm now officially headed down the bell curve on IUI success rates. The odds significantly go down after cycle #4. Some RE's suggest moving to IVF after 3-4 failed IUI's. But I can't since my insurance won't kick in until 6 failed IUI's. I feel like it's almost futile to try a 5th and 6th time with IUI... But what choice do I have at this juncture? Hopefully one of these will work and I won't have to do IVF. 

Cycle #4 Final Thoughts

I have no words really... Or I have many words that aren't very nice. I thought I would be *mad* if this cycle didn't work. Instead, I'm extremely saddened. Strangely though, I haven't cried. Maybe because it almost feels inevitable that I'll get a negative each cycle. Hard to imagine seeing a positive test. This sucks so bad. When I started this process, I didn't think it would be this hard. 

• February -- I thought maybe I would have a baby in November. Nope, I had to schedule surgery in February instead. Delay. 
• March -- I thought maybe I would have a baby in December, a Christmas baby. Nope, AF decided not to show up. Delay. 
• April -- I thought 2016, January, a New Year's baby. Cycle #1 = BFN
• May -- I thought February 2016, a Valentine's Baby. Cycle #2 = BFN 
• June -- had to skip due to timing and travel schedule. Delay.
• July -- I thought April 2016. Cycle #3 = BFN
• August -- I thought May 2016. Cycle #4 = BFN 

It's just so disappointing. I hate the power that a BFN has. Two ways things can go after the Two Week Wait:

1. You're planning of the next cycle or
2.  You're planning for a new baby. 

Two big extremes, two totally different paths. There's so much hope in each cycle. Hope that in 9 months you'll have this precious little baby in your arms. That you can start planning for this new addition to your family. It's so hard not to imagine it.

I really don't want to do IVF... But I'm starting to think it's going to end up that way. The one big pro of IVF is, I'll know if I'm having egg quality issues. Also, it'll be nice if I have some frozen embryos so I can try for another baby in a few years. But if I could avoid IVF, I would. When I started this process I thought: "If IUI doesn't work, then it wasn't meant to be. I will not do IVF." How times have changed. I'm so invested and have so much hope for Baby C to arrive -- that I just don't want to stop trying until I've exhausted all avenues of conception.

What sucks about all of this is, everything has been pretty much perfect for all my IUI's:

• Timing has been great, I know this because I am monitored pretty closely. So, I know that it's not the timing. 
• I know that I'm producing multiple follicles. So, we know the fertility drugs are working on stimulating my ovaries. 
• The sperm count has been amazing for all 4 cycles. Yet, out of the 126.6 millions of sperms (over the 4 cycles), not one of them was able to fertilize one of my eggs. 

Even with everything being "perfect" -- nothing. No pregnancy. Is it really just plain luck? If I were a betting person and the odds start to go down at this point, not sure how much I can bet on Cycle #5 working... or a Cycle #6. Ugh. I've never been a good gambler.

Even though the odds are lower, the chance of success are decreasing, and it's emotionally exhausting going through this process... I still have HOPE. Hope that all of this TTC process will be totally and absolutely worth it. I can't give up on that hope just yet. There is so much love in my heart to give Baby C when he/she arrives. So loved even before conception.

Here's to hoping Cycle#5 will be the one that works and that June 2016 will be the month that Baby C arrives. 

Next Steps: 

1. Wait for AF to come and schedule my Baseline Ultrasound for Cycle #5. 
2. Choose Donor #2 and Purchase Donor Sperm.