Goodbye 2016!

I ended 2015 with my first IVF cycle being cancelled and not knowing if I would ever be able to have a baby. I also ended it with having adopted my son! Two big extremes on the emotional spectrum, which seems to be the theme for 2016 as well. Looking back on 2016, it was also a year of extreme ups and downs for me. Some 2016 Highlights:

The Not-so-Good: 

• Failed fresh transfer for IVF Cycle #2 
• Failed FET #1
• I got laid off --> unemployment 
• Cancelled IVF #3 cycle (converted to IUI #7) / failed IUI #7
• Pregnancy Scares (SCH, bleeding, first trimester screening high risk) 

The Good: 

• IVF Cycle #2 led to my one and only egg retrieval, one of those embryos would turn into my baby boy :) 
• My son was baptized 
• FET #2 worked and I became pregnant with my baby boy! 
• Starting a new job at a great company 
• Taking Financial Peace University 
• Getting serious about budgeting and attacking my debt
• Celebrating one year of being a forever family with my son! 
• Reconnecting with my mom and little brother 
• Everything that is my son, his year being 2 years old and celebrating turning 3 :) 

Some of the Not-So-Good stuff was pretty difficult to get through, especially the unemployment, the failed transfers, and the pregnancy scares (which I guess will continue into 2017). 

I have absolutely no regrets. Even when life is difficult and I wonder how I'm going to survive or provide for my family, I know that the path I am traveling down is bringing me to where I need to be. It can be hard to trust God in those difficult times, but when I look back and I see the results, I know it's all for the better and I was led to a better situation. 

Unemployment --> I was able to get out of a toxic/stagnant work environment and now make a better income and work for a better company. 

Failed Cycles --> If any of my failed cycles would have worked, I would have been pregnant and unemployed. Also, I wouldn't have my baby boy gestating today and I truly believe that he is the baby I was meant to have. 

Pregnancy Scares --> I'm still going through this right now... but I think one of the lessons that I'm learning is that I just need to Let Go and Let God. I need to trust that all will work out as it should and maybe having more information isn't always the best. In the end, God decides how it plays out and all the screening/testings in the world isn't going to change the outcome of whatever is to come. 

Overall, it's been an extremely blessed year for me. Not only did I get to celebrate an entire year of being a Forever Family with my son, I also was able to start some family mending and reconcile with my mother and little brother after 8 long years. Not to mention the little life growing inside of me right now. 

I'm really looking forward to 2017. A year where my son will become a big brother. A year where my baby boy will be born. A year where my extended family will continue to mend and find peace. 

There's so much to look forward to and so many blessings to come! Thank you God for 2016 and for all my experiences this year, I look forward to another year filled with love and joy. 

17 Weeks Pregnant!

Somehow I feel like I'm doing my weekly pregnancy updates so often, like time is speeding up or something. I'm already 17 weeks pregnant...! Somehow that seems pretty significant to me for some reason, it sounds so far along in my head. Sometimes I still don't "feel" pregnant. I still don't "look" pregnant. Yet, here I am - getting closer to the half-way mark of my pregnancy. How amazing is that? 

Some pregnancy randoms: 

• My MFM changed my insulin intake. I am now taking 12iu in the morning and 26iu at night. My fasting blood sugars just don't seem to be under the 95 that she wants. We also added a new insulin - Humulin R - of 4iu in the morning before breakfast. 
• I'm not a big sleeper on my tummy. I've always been a side-sleeper. But every so often I'll lay on my tummy when I'm reading or something. I can't do that anymore as it's become very uncomfortable and I start to feel sick. 
• If I sit a certain way or bend a certain way, my tummy hurts. 
• I had this strange "dull ache" on my left side really low down on my tummy. It didn't hurt, it was just highly uncomfortable. 
• Something funny that I noticed. I've been so worried about this pregnancy because it's my first pregnancy and I've never been through this before (not to mention all the screening tests). I'm not that worried about baby once he's born, all the newborn stuff. I think it's because I've had multiple newborns and I know what to expect in that regard. Some things will be new with this baby: I'm planning to breastfeed and I'll be recovering from L&D. So it will definitely be a different experience, but I feel like "if I can just get through the pregnancy and have my baby boy in my arms, everything will be alright." 

How far along: 17 weeks.

How big is baby: A pomegranate. Ovia app: 

Weight Gain: -8 lbs. 

Stretch Marks: A few days before Christmas, I started noticing a very faint pregnancy line on my tummy. It's so faint, that you can't really see it - but it was definitely not there pre-pregnancy and it seems to be getting a little darker as time goes by. It reaches from my pelvic bone to my belly button, then extends a little north of my belly button. 

Symptoms: Nothing new or unusual. I actually feel really well! Just hormonal at times and so tired at others. 

Sleeping: I'm really liking the pregnancy pillow so far! I'm getting better sleep than I have had since I've gotten pregnant. 

Food cravings: White rice... which is HORRIBLE for a diabetic! I just can't seem to eat fish without rice or chicken without rice. I've also been on a big binge of fried rice with egg for breakfast. Childhood eats are front of mind and I can't believe I don't eat it regularly. The good news is... the rice doesn't seem to be impacting my sugars really, as long as it's paired with a good protein. 

Food aversions: I think I'm over these! Yay! I think I've cooked more in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 4 months! I can cook, I can handle raw meat, I can eat what I cook. It's this really freeing experience and it feels so good to eat a home cooked meal. 

Maternity Clothes: Nothing new yet, but I keep waiting for that day I'm going to "pop" and look pregnant. Will that day ever come? LOL. 

Movement: I **think** I felt the baby on Wednesday at 16w4d. It was morning time and I was laying in bed, not ready to get up. Then I felt this little poke on my side, then some of that bubbling feeling I've felt the last week. I'm pretty sure it was baby because there was no one else there with me to poke me! Nothing regular and often yet though. I've thought I felt a nudge here and there on my sides and I get the butterfly/bubbling feeling - which I notice mostly at night and in the mornings.  

What I did / Got for Baby: I received the following book for Christmas. I think I'll go ahead and read it and see if I can get any new/better ideas. 

My son and I were looking through baby clothes at the store. My son really liked this one because it has a dog on it! I liked it because it says, "Little Brother." So I bought it and now its hanging in the baby's room :) 

What I miss: Going more than a few hours without having to go pee. 

Workouts: I haven't even had time to think about planning workouts and now I'm already 17 weeks. Will I ever find the time? 

What I'm looking forward to: Feeling regular movement from baby boy. 

Best moment of the week: Feeling baby boy's little poke and hearing his heartbeat on the doppler at my OB appointment. 

Rants/Raves: Here's a rant. I just want to sleep. Like sleep for an entire day and not do anything but get up to eat or drink or go to the bathroom. I want to be LAZY for just one day. If I could have someone cook my meals for me, that'd be nice too. LOL. I just feel like I'm not sleeping enough and I never can find the opportunity to really rest because there's always something to do. 

Here's a Rave: This week I've felt that I've really started to connect with the pregnancy. I've been talking to baby boy, singing to him, humming some tunes. He's starting to become "real" to me and every day I feel like I'm falling more in love with him. 

Appointments Next Week: MFM diabetes follow-up 1/6.

16w+6d: OB Monthly Appointment

I had my 4 week follow-up appointment with my OB this morning. What's nice about seeing my OB is that there's not all this "doom and gloom" when it comes to my pregnancy! I guess that's all saved for the MFM and genetic counselor. Going to the OB makes me feel like a normal pregnant lady.

Normal pregnancy stuff: pee in a cup, take weight, check blood pressure, check for fetal tones on the doppler.

Pee in a cup = nice that they use big cups and not little ones!
Weight = didn't even make me take off my boots. With all my clothes on, I am -4 lbs.
Blood Pressure = they said it was normal.
Fetal Tones = 153 bpm!

It was nice that they were able to find baby boy's heartbeat on the doppler. Last time, they weren't able to find it. He was hanging out on the left hand-side which seems to be his preferred spot.

Discussion on Numb Hands / Feet 

I asked the doctor about my numb hands/feet. She said it could be the diabetes or it could be the pregnancy. She suggested I try a brace for my hands at night.

Discussion if Something is Wrong 

We kind of discussed my monitoring at the MFM and my discussion with the genetic counselor. My OB said that when she was pregnant that she didn't do all the extra tests because it can lead down a slippery slope.

But she did mention that if something is wrong with my placenta, that I'm so closely monitored that they can keep a close eye on things. Meaning, if I have to deliver earlier than expected -- it can pretty much be planned since the MFM will have recommendations depending on how things go with my placenta and baby's growth.

She did recommend that I tour a few different hospitals in case I have to deliver at the hospital that has a better NICU...

Other Stuff 

I've been increasingly worried about delivery... I know - I know, it's extremely FAR away right now and there's a lot of other things I should be focused on. However, my mind has time to think about these things still! I just don't know the timing of when to do birthing classes and stuff. My OB said not to worry about it right now until I'm in the 3rd trimester.

Next OB appointment is in 4 more weeks.

Dealing with all the Uncertainty

After trying so long to get pregnant, I never really had time to think about the reality of what it would be like once I was pregnant. I was so focused on each step of my cycles, of my next injection, or my next monitoring appointment. Pregnancy was always this unobtainable dream that was just always a little out of reach for me. 

Going through IUI's, IVF's, and FET's -- there's some comfort in the scheduling of it all. The expectations of next steps and clear "if / then" scenarios. It became pretty routine and normal for me to be going through each cycle and preparing for the next cycle at the same time. 

Now that I've finally gotten pregnant, I feel like I'm in a new reality and dealing with so many uncertain things. None of it scheduled, no clear "if / then" scenarios. I never thought being pregnant would be a "cake walk" or anything. But I had imagined it being this whole enlightening experience where all I had to really worry about was preparing for this new life. I guess since I was TTC for so long, I kind of romanticized what it would be like being pregnant in a way. 

I know for some women, that's exactly what their pregnancy is like - no worries, happy, giddy, excited. It just hasn't been my experience. 

My list of strange or worrisome pregnancy stuff: 

1. Low Starting Betas 
2. Subchorionic Hemorrhage (SCH) and constant bleeding/spotting until 11 weeks 
3. First Trimester Screening results of "high risk" with low HCG levels and low PAPP-A 
4. UTI x2
5. Tilted Uterus 
6. Bacteria Vaginosis 
7. Doppler hard to detect heart beat (probably due to the tilted uterus) 
8. Blood glucose levels spiking 
9. Starting Insulin  
10. Genetic Testing / Concerns of chromosomal abnormalities 
11. Concerns of irregular hormone levels / possible placenta insufficiency 

Not to mention "normal" pregnancy stuff: 

• Lower back pain
• Ligament pain 
• Headaches
• Food aversions 
• Nausea 
• Extreme exhaustion 
• Cramping 
• Extremely emotional / PMS-type things
• Acne 
• Dry skin 
• Forgetfulness / Pregnancy Brain 

With all that, I'm not saying that I'm ungrateful to be pregnant with my baby boy. I truly am. When I have moments to think about him being born or my boys meeting for the first time -- I start to cry these wonderful tears of happiness and joy. 

What I guess I'm trying to get out with this blog entry is, there's so many things with pregnancy that people don't really talk about. How fragile pregnancy really is... The balance between that overjoyed feeling of "I'm pregnant! I'm having a baby!!!" and having real concerns over carrying my baby to term and worries over any possible chromosomal abnormalities or that my placenta isn't working properly. 

It's not that I WANT to worry or be concerned... I really want to be that happy go-lucky pregnant woman and have that care-free happy pregnancy. 

That "dream" and tears of happiness and joy when I think of my baby boy being born and my boys growing up together... it feels like it can be swept out from under me at any time. One diagnosis. One poor hormone level. One soft marker found on the ultrasound. One bad genetic test. 

I guess it boils down to = I'm afraid. I feel like I'm just ONE step away from having that wonderful scenario taken away. 

I'm doing my best not to focus on all the bad that can happen... I truly am. But I'm having a hard time dealing with it at times partly because I have no one to share these concerns/worries with. Most of my friends that I can confide in think I'm just paranoid and worrying over nothing. "Just focus on the positive" or "Worry when there's something to worry about" type things. 

Is it just that easy for people to not worry about big things? Lucky them... 

All I want is for my baby boy to be healthy and for me to carry him to term. It's not easy dealing with all the uncertainty that surrounds my pregnancy. 

In the mean time, I'm making plans for my baby boy to arrive. I'm trying to prepare my son for his baby brother, I'm going to start buying nursery furniture, I'm making a list of things that I need for him, I'm making plans for a possible "Sip and See" event once he's born, I will be mailing out our holiday/baby announcement cards this week, I'm looking up matching outfits for my boys for newborn pictures, I budgeted for maternity leave and for medical expenses, etc. 

I'm preparing like everything is going to be okay and he's going to arrive into this world safe and healthy. I talk to my baby boy and tell him how much I love him already and how excited we are to meet him. My son and I pray for him every night. 

In the background, I prepare myself for my upcoming blood tests, my genetic analysis, my next ultrasound, contemplate whether I want to do an amnio -- and just keep my fingers crossed that everything will truly be ok with my baby boy and that God will help me get through whatever is to come. 

16 Weeks Pregnant!

It's so weird how quickly time is going by, but at the same time - time is going so slowly. I guess all the worry about something being wrong just makes me grateful every time I make it one more week being pregnant. Like I'm itching forward. I can't seem to enjoy the pregnancy too much because every time I think all is well - something else comes up on the worry radar.

BUT, trying to focus on the POSITIVE... baby boy seems to be doing really well. Growing at a good rate and measuring well. 

Some pregnancy randoms: 

• It's weird being pregnant and not really "looking" pregnant. I'm at the in-between stage where my tummy hasn't really formed, but it's definitely looking different (or at least feeling different). 
• Being the holidays, it's hard not to CRY about everything. I've been doing pretty well, but it's been touch and go at times. 

How far along: 16 weeks.

How big is baby: An avocado. Ovia app: 

Weight Gain: -10 lbs? I'm not sure. My scale told me I am 10 lbs down from my pre-pregnancy weight. Which is weird because I have definitely been eating regularly. But I guess it's not too much of a concern since baby is gaining weight and measuring well, so he's obviously getting everything he needs. Maybe the weight is just getting redistributed on me? 

Stretch Marks: Not yet. 

Symptoms: 

• Carpal Tunnel: I've been getting numb hands when I sleep and numb feet when I sit down. I'm not sure if this is pregnancy carpal tunnel or not. I need to talk to my OB about it. It doesn't hurt, just more annoying than usual. 
• Extreme Exhaustion: It's hard to maintain a regular schedule. I still get tired quickly and need to take frequent breaks. If I don't get any rest in the afternoon, I'm a mess by early evening. 
• Pregnancy brain: I've been having major pregnancy brain. I'll go into a room and go completely blank - like why did I go into the room? What was I supposed to do? I've been writing everything down and using my reminders app to try and make up for it. 
• Boob pain: I've been getting some strange pain in my breasts and they'll hurt pretty bad. But my breasts haven't grown in cup size yet. 

Sleeping: Still tossing turning and waking up 2-3 times to pee. I just started using my new pregnancy pillow and the first night went well. Time will tell if it makes a big impact overall. It looks weird, but it's strangely very comfortable. It takes up a lot of room as well. 

Food cravings: Lumpia! I got my fix the last few days :) 

Food aversions: These seem to have gone away. Still using the peppermints when my tummy feels upset or if my food pains start kicking in. 

Maternity Clothes: The pants are really helpful. I'm not "showing" yet really... but my tummy seems to have repositioned or something. 

Movement: Sometimes I think I feel little bubbles, ultrasound tech thinks I'm feeling the baby! I'm not convinced yet. But now that I'm 16 weeks, I'm hoping I'll feel the movement inside more. I did find out that I have an anterior placenta, so I might not feel movement on the outside until closer to 22 weeks. 

What I did / Got for Baby: Nothing this week! 

What I miss: A regular bladder. Peeing so frequently and in such a "emergency" manner, can suck at times. 

Workouts: ------ no :( 

What I'm looking forward to: Feeling the baby move around! 

Best moment of the week: Finding out my NIPT results and that I'm having a baby boy! Also, seeing my baby on the ultrasound moving around and developing so well. 

Rants/Raves: I decided to do my "coffee trial" with my blood sugars. But turns out my Keurig, which hasn't been used since August decided NOT to work on me!!! I almost cried and thew it away. Luckily I didn't because a few days later it decided to start working again?!!! Why it was defunct when I first tried, no clue. But I'm happy to report that it works now and my "coffee trial" has started. So far, so good with 1 cup a day -- doesn't seem to be impacting my glucose levels. 

Upcoming Appointments: OB routine follow-up 12/30. MFM diabetes follow-up 1/6. MFM detailed level 2 anatomy scan 1/16. 

It's a BOY!

It's so funny, I was convinced I was having a GIRL! I really was. Partly because my entire TTC journey I've been dreaming about having a baby girl. I even had a dream in 2009, that I wrote down. Here it is: 

August 31, 2009
I had a dream I was in my brother's room at our old house (that we grew up in). I had two kids: a boy who was a toddler and a baby girl, just a few months old. The little boy had straight blonde hair. The little girl had a round face with brown hair. Little boy was sleeping while the baby girl just starred at me. I walked away from the room with her and was humming to her a familiar tune... but I can't remember it now. The humming seemed to be putting her to sleep.

What's interesting to note about this dream is, I had it in 2009. The toddler I believe is my son... straight blonde hair. At the time, I thought that I would end up marrying a white dude that had blonde hair! But no, my son is adopted and I truly believe that I dreamt about him before he was born. Which in itself is pretty amazing. I've always felt that I was meant to be his mom and that God brought us together. 

Now, what's funny is a dreamt about a baby girl. I guess with babies, when they're only a few months old, it can be hard to discern if baby is a boy or girl. In the dream, I just assumed the baby was a girl because the baby looked very similar to me. That's why I always thought that when I got pregnant I would definitely have a girl. Everything seemed to align with my dream = toddler blonde hair son and baby girl. 

Well, a few weeks ago I had my ONLY dream about having a baby boy. It was a little strange. 

I was at a theme park and they were doing ultrasounds for people. The audience watched the TV monitor and people would "vote" what they thought the gender was. On the screen, you can clearly see a penis. The audience members said, "Yes, it's a boy." Then, I went to the cashier to check-out and purchase pictures (like you do at a theme park). At that time, I touched my tummy (in the dream) and called the baby by his name. When I woke up, I remember feeling really happy and content. I then touched my tummy and repeated the baby's name and it felt RIGHT. 

I had a girls name picked out... but it never felt "right" to me. I love the name, but it just didn't seem to fit and it felt a bit forced. Now I know why... because the boy's name was the right fit all along :) I remember when I was thinking about names and writing them down. I liked a lot of names, but none of them felt like "this is the one" until I found my son's name. I wrote it down and I knew if I had a boy that this would be his name. 

I am sad that I won't be able to buy little girl clothes, because they're just so darn cute!!! 

I'll admit, I've always thought the benefit of a little brother for my son would be a better fit for our family. A brother-brother relationship will be a totally different experience than a brother-sister relationship. For the better? Eh, who knows - I guess it depends on the siblings! But I get this wonderful feeling every time I think of my two boys growing up together. 

As a single mom... the thought of two boys is a great feeling. There's something so special about a mother-son relationship. It also just feels totally "right" for my family right now. 

Thinking about my growing family brings tears of happiness and joy. It fills my heart with so much love. After all this time, it's starting to feel "real" - like this is all really happening. I really want to hold onto that feeling as I go through all the extra testing and monitoring to make sure my baby boy is OK and is healthy. 

But all in all, I still can't believe it... I'm having a baby BOY!!! 

15w+5: Detailed U/S and meeting with Genetic Counselor

I had a looong 2.5 hour appointment at my MFM. Lots to go over.

Genetic Counselor

I thought after I received my NIPT results that were "low risk" that I was in the clear for genetic concerns. But I was wrong... I guess the First Trimester screening may still play a role in things. I had a low PAPP-A result and low HCG, which is bad. This is all hormone-related.

What they want to do is do something called a Sequential Screening in the 2nd trimester. It's where someone would normally do the Quad Screening, but the Sequential Screening is a little more thorough than the Quad Screening.

What they do is combine the NT Ultrasound results, the First Trimester Screening Results, my detailed ultrasound results, and the Sequential Screening results to come up with a risk value of low or high.

Why all the concern on my hormone levels? 

Turns out that there are a few things that the hormone levels can indicate:

1) The baby has a chromosomal abnormality that can't be seen on an ultrasound, one of the rarer ones. Only way to really know 100% is if this is the case is if I get an amnio.
2) My placenta is not functioning like it should. There's something called Placental insufficiency. This is pretty bad because that means the baby wouldn't be getting all the things it needs from the placenta. Baby can be smaller or have some issues from lack of oxygen, can lead to pre-term labor and/or birth defects, etc.
3) Nothing is wrong.

So right now, still kind of in limbo on how things can go. So, next step is to get the Sequential Screening done.

Genetic Screening 

The geneticist talked and talked and talked about a lot of stuff. But one thing she would want me to do is to get screened for other genetic issues. Which also means they would want my donor to get screened as well... which is where one of the tricky parts come in. I have to call my sperm bank and ask them if they can contact the sperm donor for additional genetic testing. More on this later.

Detailed Ultrasound 

It's so great when I get to see my baby boy! He was moving around and dancing. So crazy to watch him be so active and I can't feel a thing. He had a strong heartbeat of 153 bpm and was measuring about 2 days ahead, which they say is good. Everything that they can see (kidneys, length, etc) looked good and no soft markers for anything.

It also looks like my tilted uterus is coming forward. I found out I have an anterior placenta, so it might take me longer to feel the baby kick.

All in all, baby boy looked amazing and wonderful and great.

MFM Meeting 

My MFM wasn't happy with my diabetes blood logs. My fasting blood sugar was higher than she'd like and I wasn't consistently tracking my glucose levels. We are upping my night time insulin to 22 iu and keeping the morning insulin at 12 iu. I might end up having to add another insulin to my day if my after-meal glucose levels remain high. Breakfast and lunch after-meals have been great, just dinner time where things get a little wonky. She has forbid me from eating french fries and pizza... sadness. My blood levels just got too high with those.

How am I feeling? 

I honestly thought things were in the clear after the NIPT results that I wasn't even concerned about the meeting with the genetic counselor. I don't really know what to think or feel. I have been too busy with visitors and holiday stuff to really let myself think about things. I'm bummed that I can't just have a happy pregnancy and feel good about my baby boy. The worry about things just seems to linger from one thing to the next. I kind of wish that I would be told EVERYTHING at one time so I would be prepared better. But this is all new to me and all new things I have no clue about.

In my heart I believe my baby is going to be OK. He was so active and measuring really well, so I'm hoping the placenta is doing its job. The chromosomal abnormality possibilities.... I'm going to need to figure out how comfortable I am with dealing with it *IF* it comes or if I want to risk an amnio. For my MFM, the risk is 1:400 for a miscarriage with an amnio. They also suggest doing it by 22 weeks. So, I really have to think about that. I don't want to risk my baby doing a procedure that might just tell me there's nothing wrong. But the preparation I can do prior to his birth if something is wrong... has me teetering on the idea. Plus my anxiety is through the roof and not sure if "not knowing" is going to just be too stressful.

A lot to think about and a lot to consider. I'm not leaning one way or another right now. I guess the logical step is to get the Sequential Screening and see what my hormone levels are telling them, then decide on next steps from there.

I truly wish that everything could just be OK and not have all these worries. A boring pregnancy would be so wonderful... I also wonder if all these extra screenings are really worth it? I guess in a way, it's nice to be prepared and monitored so closely -- so we can get in front of any issues. At the same time, there's all this extra worry and there might not be anything wrong with the pregnancy or baby.

I guess I'll have to look back on this experience and ask myself if the worry outweighed the benefit of the extra monitoring. I'm split right now.

I just pray that my pregnancy goes smoothly and that I'm able to carry my baby boy to term and deliver a healthy baby.

Next Steps: 

• 12/30/16: OB, Monthly Appointment
• 1/6/17: MFM, Diabetes Follow-up and Sequential Blood Draw 
• 1/16/17: MFM, Detailed Ultrasound (Level 2) Anatomy Scan