Dealing with all the Uncertainty

After trying so long to get pregnant, I never really had time to think about the reality of what it would be like once I was pregnant. I was so focused on each step of my cycles, of my next injection, or my next monitoring appointment. Pregnancy was always this unobtainable dream that was just always a little out of reach for me. 

Going through IUI's, IVF's, and FET's -- there's some comfort in the scheduling of it all. The expectations of next steps and clear "if / then" scenarios. It became pretty routine and normal for me to be going through each cycle and preparing for the next cycle at the same time. 

Now that I've finally gotten pregnant, I feel like I'm in a new reality and dealing with so many uncertain things. None of it scheduled, no clear "if / then" scenarios. I never thought being pregnant would be a "cake walk" or anything. But I had imagined it being this whole enlightening experience where all I had to really worry about was preparing for this new life. I guess since I was TTC for so long, I kind of romanticized what it would be like being pregnant in a way. 

I know for some women, that's exactly what their pregnancy is like - no worries, happy, giddy, excited. It just hasn't been my experience. 

My list of strange or worrisome pregnancy stuff: 

1. Low Starting Betas 
2. Subchorionic Hemorrhage (SCH) and constant bleeding/spotting until 11 weeks 
3. First Trimester Screening results of "high risk" with low HCG levels and low PAPP-A 
4. UTI x2
5. Tilted Uterus 
6. Bacteria Vaginosis 
7. Doppler hard to detect heart beat (probably due to the tilted uterus) 
8. Blood glucose levels spiking 
9. Starting Insulin  
10. Genetic Testing / Concerns of chromosomal abnormalities 
11. Concerns of irregular hormone levels / possible placenta insufficiency 

Not to mention "normal" pregnancy stuff: 

• Lower back pain
• Ligament pain 
• Headaches
• Food aversions 
• Nausea 
• Extreme exhaustion 
• Cramping 
• Extremely emotional / PMS-type things
• Acne 
• Dry skin 
• Forgetfulness / Pregnancy Brain 

With all that, I'm not saying that I'm ungrateful to be pregnant with my baby boy. I truly am. When I have moments to think about him being born or my boys meeting for the first time -- I start to cry these wonderful tears of happiness and joy. 

What I guess I'm trying to get out with this blog entry is, there's so many things with pregnancy that people don't really talk about. How fragile pregnancy really is... The balance between that overjoyed feeling of "I'm pregnant! I'm having a baby!!!" and having real concerns over carrying my baby to term and worries over any possible chromosomal abnormalities or that my placenta isn't working properly. 

It's not that I WANT to worry or be concerned... I really want to be that happy go-lucky pregnant woman and have that care-free happy pregnancy. 

That "dream" and tears of happiness and joy when I think of my baby boy being born and my boys growing up together... it feels like it can be swept out from under me at any time. One diagnosis. One poor hormone level. One soft marker found on the ultrasound. One bad genetic test. 

I guess it boils down to = I'm afraid. I feel like I'm just ONE step away from having that wonderful scenario taken away. 

I'm doing my best not to focus on all the bad that can happen... I truly am. But I'm having a hard time dealing with it at times partly because I have no one to share these concerns/worries with. Most of my friends that I can confide in think I'm just paranoid and worrying over nothing. "Just focus on the positive" or "Worry when there's something to worry about" type things. 

Is it just that easy for people to not worry about big things? Lucky them... 

All I want is for my baby boy to be healthy and for me to carry him to term. It's not easy dealing with all the uncertainty that surrounds my pregnancy. 

In the mean time, I'm making plans for my baby boy to arrive. I'm trying to prepare my son for his baby brother, I'm going to start buying nursery furniture, I'm making a list of things that I need for him, I'm making plans for a possible "Sip and See" event once he's born, I will be mailing out our holiday/baby announcement cards this week, I'm looking up matching outfits for my boys for newborn pictures, I budgeted for maternity leave and for medical expenses, etc. 

I'm preparing like everything is going to be okay and he's going to arrive into this world safe and healthy. I talk to my baby boy and tell him how much I love him already and how excited we are to meet him. My son and I pray for him every night. 

In the background, I prepare myself for my upcoming blood tests, my genetic analysis, my next ultrasound, contemplate whether I want to do an amnio -- and just keep my fingers crossed that everything will truly be ok with my baby boy and that God will help me get through whatever is to come.