IUI Cycle #2: CD1. The Journey Continues

Here we are: Calendar Day #1! I am grateful that my period came on time. Last month I had to take provera because my period was late. Irregular periods are no fun when you're TTC. I'm glad AF has decided to cooperate this month.

The last few days have not been good. I've gotten bad news after bad news. So, I am very happy to have something go "as planned" this week. It's also been interesting because I've been off any fertility medication for the last few days and I've felt completely MYSELF! I didn't realize that I wasn't feeling "myself" until I stopped the meds. It's interesting to note how crazy the TTC journey has been. All the anxiety, the stress, the anticipation, the worry -- adding fertility medications to the mix -- and it's a jumble of emotions. It's almost been a relief to feel like me.

The Plan: 

• CD1 --> Call to schedule Ultrasound. 
• CD3 --> 5/1 @ 8:30am. Ultrasound for follicle count and to check for any ovarian cysts. Will discuss medication protocol at that time. 

I should know more at my appointment on Friday. We'll discuss the medications and see if a different medication is better or just up the dosage on current medication. Also, will check for ovarian cysts. If there are cysts - the cycle will be cancelled. A common side-effect of Clomid is ovarian cysts... since I was on a low dosage last month, hoping I don't run into any issues this month. At this appointment, I will also schedule my mid-cycle ultrasound day. 

How do I feel? 

AF arrived with a vengeance this morning. Sorry if this is TMI... But I normally have a few "regular flow" days prior to heavy days. This time, I started off extremely heavy. I am sure it has to do with the progesterone for thickening my lining. 

Last cycle when AF arrived I was excited and couldn't wait to get started. This time, there wasn't that excitement. It was more like acceptance. The timing is working out perfect: AF came on time, the dates all line up well with my calendar, and I'll be able to get everything in before my travel dates. But I feel myself a little bit bitter and subdued about the whole thing. Perhaps I'm still disappointed from cycle #1 not working, it's only been a few days. I'm not really sure what it is. It has been a tough week emotionally and I have new fears where my Little Guy is concerned... There's just a lot right now that I need to compartmentalize. 

I haven't changed my mind. I still want to have a birth child. I still want to go through this process. 

If Cycle #2 doesn't work -- I'm going to have to skip June as I'll be traveling a lot and the days will not work to do a monitored cycle. With everything I learned from cycle #1, I'm hoping I can linger less on the Google-Oracle and on the forums. I also need to buy new insemisocks for my IUI and ultrasounds. Need to make sure I stay positive. I am also looking into fertility acupuncture. Heard it helps and I want to do all I can do to have a successful cycle. 

Here's to hoping for a successful Cycle #2! 

"What wonderful thing didn't start out scary?" 

Isaac Marion 

IUI Cycle #1: Final Thoughts

My Final Thoughts on Cycle #1 

The month was filled with so much built-up anticipation. I originally thought I would have my first IUI in January. Then it was going to be February. That was put on hold due to the polyp and I had my hysteroscopy surgery instead. Then I thought the IUI would happen in March. That was put on hold because AF decided not to show up. Finally, April came and everything finally went "as planned" - where the timing was concerned.

So, it wasn't just the events in April. I've been waiting to just begin this TTC journey since November/December. That's months of thinking, researching, wondering, hoping, wishing, dreaming,  praying, etc.

When things started falling into line, I was grateful because I was able to take a step forward and try to conceive my baby. As you can tell from my TWW ramblings (Week 1, Week 2), even with all my pre-research, going through the process was a lot different than I anticipated. There were little things that I didn't anticipate I would worry about or that I didn't know much about. Hence the obsessive pondering.

The Good: I now know what to expect! As my friend phrased it, I was in a "Chemical sh!tstorm" from all the medications. I didn't know I would react to the medication that way. Next cycle I won't be surprised or shocked about how my body feels/reacts. I know what to expect regarding insurance coverage and costs.

The Bad: No Baby C. Not yet anyways. But really, that's the biggest bummer of them all. I know Baby C will come when he/she is meant to... but it would've been nice if he/she was already on their way! The other bad is the costs associated with each cycle for monitoring and medication. I know in the long run, it'll all be worth it -- but in the short run, it just seems like one thing after another.

It's looking like AF is arriving soon and I'll be starting Cycle 2 this week. Here's to hoping and praying for Cycle 2 to be the cycle that Baby C becomes a reality!

"We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, 

so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

-Joseph Campbell

Another unsatisfactory court hearing

April must not be my month...

Court was today for my Little Guy. His birth father decided to start participating in services (after 16 months of not participating) and now is trying to get "unsupervised visitations". Which, isn't going to happen since he does not even have a residence yet.

This is what's crazy about this case. The case plan changed in May 2014 - a year ago. There were so many court delays that the case just dragged and dragged and dragged. The entire time, the birth father did not follow the case plan. Then, all of a sudden this month - he decides to change his tune and participate in services. Not 100%, mind you. 

I really don't know what's going to happen at this juncture. The GAL and the Case Manager are basically saying, "A little bit too late." Both are still recommending severance/adoption. There is court arguments about "time in care", since he's been in care for so long and what is considered in my Little Guy's best interest at this point. But who knows how the new judge is going to play it out. I wasn't impressed with her. 

The trial is still scheduled for next month (in 4 weeks). We'll see what happens. Basically, they will testify and do all these things - present their case against the birth parents. Then the judge can either "rule from the bench" that day (which hardly ever happens) or make a decision within 60 days after the trial to sever parental rights. Then, the birth parents can appeal the decision - further delaying permanency. This has the potential to draw out all the way through the remainder of this year if not longer... so disappointing. They set the next Report and Review all the way out to September. 

A child should not be in foster care for 2 years before they find permanency. Not feeling confident about things. I've heard too many horror stories... 

I wish I had good news for a change... this is extremely upsetting. I can't even think of the possibility that they would take Little Guy from the only home he's known... It would be too devastating to imagine. 

So, I'll continue to try to stay positive and just hope it all works out as it should. At a Toastmasters meeting, they read the following quote - which is fitting for today: 

God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change; 

Courage to change the things I can; 

And wisdom to know the difference. 

IUI Cycle #1: 14dpIUI --> Beta Test Results & Donor Sperm Analysis

It was strange waking up today. I think I've let it settle in that this cycle did not work and I am not pregnant. Although I'm 99.99% sure that I'm not pregnant, I still had to go in for my Beta test (blood work to confirm if I'm pregnant). The cost I paid for the IUI with my RE's office included the first Beta test.

I stopped the progesterone yesterday. I did not POAS (pee on a stick) this morning and it was fairly liberating. I don't know why it felt that way, but it did! I really am "moving on" already and thinking about IUI Cycle #2 and adjusting my mind-frame.

• Should I ask my RE to change my med protocol? 
• Should I do anything different from IUI Cycle #1 to help with fertility? 
• What type of adjustments can I make to "up the odds"? 

It was fairly strange getting my blood drawn. Almost bitter sweet. They said I would be contacted within a few hours with the results. Although I'm totally prepared for the call and for them to say "The test came back negative" -- I swear I was still on pins and needles while I was waiting. The final portion of the Two Week Wait will come to an end shortly. <sigh> 

So, I didn't cry last night or today. Just felt like I have "accepted" that it'll be a negative today. Then I receive a text from my friend and I started crying like a baby!!

"Good luck today on your Beta. Just remember, if it didn't happen this month. It means it wasn't your baby's time. And if it did happen this month, hang on, your world is about to be rocked! Hang in there, love you and thinking of you." 

It was exactly what I needed to hear and it just opened up the flood gates. I guess trying to be "strong" and "move on" is sometimes not what we need at times. It's ok to grieve over the loss of this cycle. It was emotionally draining. This whole process of TTC through IUI is an odds game. I hate gambling or playing odds since there's little control over it. They explain it like a "bell curve" within 6 IUI tries, best odds are in 3-4 tries. Thinking about it in a positive note, I am moving up the bell curve and increasing my odds.

Donor Sperm Analysis

I also received the sperm analysis that I requested when I had my IUI on 4/13: 

• Sperm Count: 18.4 million. >=16 million is good. 
• Motility (ability of the sperm to swim) was at 46%, it should be over 50% - hmmm. 

I sent an email to the sperm bank to ask them if they guarantee motility rates in the normal range (>=50%). Let's see what they say. If the donor has poor swimmers, that can't be good! 

BETA Results

I finally received the call at 12:45pm and the results are confirmed: negative. I swear, even though I knew that was what I was going to hear -- my heart still started fluttering with anticipation and hope that I would get the opposite result. Now, to wait for AF to arrive.

I still need to process my feelings, but perhaps I will save that for another entry when it really starts to sink in.

Baby C, still praying for you!

IUI Cycle #1: The torturous Two Week Wait - Week 2

Here are my confessions from Week 2 of the Two Week Wait (TWW). See here for my ramblings during Week 1 of the TWW. 

I REALLY convinced myself that I would not test early. Who am I kidding? Did I really think I would be able to wait 14 whole days? My big confession: I TESTED EARLY! Which in retrospect, I don't regret! It was actually kind of fun POAS and squinting at 3am to see if there *may* be an extremely faint line on the test. Ok, maybe not "fun" - but it was a new experience for me! 

CD23 - 8dpIUI (4/21/15): 

Still the dreaded late night pee-fest going on. 
Still insomnia. 
Still tired (will it ever end?). 
Still irritable. 

Whine-whine-whine or wine? No wine - not yet anyways! POM Juice is growing on me though - there's a positive! It's not as disgusting as the first few days. I've also consulted with the Google-Oracle and was advised that the peeing in the middle of the night thing can be related to the Progesterone. Joy-joy. 

Since I decided to "test early" I started having concerns that my Trigger Shot (which has HCG the pregnancy hormone) would still be in my system. Let me explain the Trigger Shot. 

Trigger Shot

The Pregnyl Trigger Shot has HCG, which is the pregnancy hormone. The Trigger Shot induces ovulation, it's supposed to help with the IUI "Timing" and control when you ovulate to coincide with your IUI procedure. Once you inject HCG into your body, you'll get a "Positive" pregnancy test. Home pregnancy tests read HCG levels. Since I had my Trigger Shot on 4/12 and had 10,000 IU -- if I tested last week, I would have had a positive test since the HCG was still in my system. The HCG can stay in your system for up to 14 days, it really varies per woman and there are a lot of factors that go into it (your fluid intake, etc). 

Therefore, I decided I will "test out my trigger". What does that mean? It means testing early to see if I get a positive or negative pregnancy test to see if the Trigger Shot is out of my system. If I get a positive - then that means the trigger shot is still in my system (it's too early to have a positive right now). I would need to test every day until I get a negative. If I get a negative, then the HCG is out of my system (this is what I'm hoping for). 

Originally I was going to avoid this "overly testing" thing. But, I want to test early this weekend...! I just want to know! For some reason these 14 days seem to be lasting an eternity. So, testing out the trigger is unavoidable at this point to make sure I don't get a false positive. Let's see if I can keep my emotions in check on this testing thing. 

CD24 - 9dpIUI (4/22/15):  

On the SMC board that I'm following for ladies having IUI/IVF for the month of April, we just had two ladies that had positive home pregnancy tests!!! So happy for them! Hopefully the Baby Dust is being generous and I will get a BFP in a few days! 


I have to admit, buying pregnancy tests at the store was weird! I was trying to act all nonchalant about it, but it felt awkward. I was analyzing each brand/box. I decided to go with a generic (cheaper) Target brand and the First Response (which I've heard great things about). Of course the cashier was pregnant... been running into a lot of pregnant people lately! 

This morning I POAS (Peed on a stick) and here are the results: Negative. This is good, this is what I wanted. Now I know that the HCG is out of my system. 


Since implantation happens between 7-10 days, it takes about 2 days for the HCG to build in your system. However, the reason that everyone says "DON'T TEST EARLY!" is because you may get a false negative by testing early since home pregnancy tests can normally only detect an HCG level of >50. This website explains it really well. 

I thought it would be weird to get a "negative" even though I *know* even if I am pregnant right now -- that it wouldn't come back positive. But it actually wasn't bad at all. It was just weird, like I POAS every day - no big deal. LOL. I am worried that now that I've done ONE test that I'll be a test-a-holic!! I won't lie, I probably will test on 11dpIUI and 12dpIUI and 13dpIUI and even 14pIUI... Ugh. I'm officially addicted. 

At a Toastmasters meeting last night, there was a good quote that just reminded me that my baby will come in God's timing. When it happens, it will be PERFECT and as it should be. 

"Everything that happens happens as it should, and if you observe carefully, you will find this to be so." 

- Marcus Aurelius

CD25 - 10dpIUI (4/23/15):  

During this TWW, I've had moments where I was thinking "I'm pregnant!!!" Then others where I was thinking "It didn't work..." Soon I will know which feeling was correct... just 4 more days until my Beta. So, I should be able to hold off POAS, right? I thought my new mantra would be: I will not test. Alas, I woke up this morning for my daily "3am middle of the night pee" and thought -- why not?! Well, secretly I had already laid out the test in the bathroom before I went to sleep just in case I had the inkling to test...! I know, so bad! 

I had no expectations. So I POAS, this time I use the First Response with the thought that it is more accurate than the generic brands. After I POAS, I didn't really see anything and thought "Oh, it's early to test anyways. A negative result is expected. I might not be pregnant this cycle or I might get a positive later on." Then my 3am eyes adjusted a little bit and I started to SQUINT and turn the pregnancy test this way and that. I now know what they mean when they say "Eye Lines"! I was thinking, it's not all white (which is a negative test). Squinted some more and saw an extremely faint line. Thoughts: 

• it can be my imagination
• it can be an evaporation line (but it was within a few minutes when it appeared)
• maybe it's still my trigger shot?
• or possibly - maybe - it can be a very faint BFP?

 It's hard to see in the picture, but here it is: 

In real life, it looks like a very faint pink line. I'm not going to jump to conclusions that I have my BFP. I am HOPING it is my BFP... but I know I'm testing too early. Most people don't get their BFP until >12dpIUI. Will I test tomorrow? ABSOLUTELY. I am now a bonafied POAS-a-holic. 

For obsessive TWW-ers, like myself, this website shows the odds of getting a positive test result. There are stats and samples of home pregnancy tests at various stages of the TWW. For 10 days post IUI (or ovulation) "Faint Positives" about 25% of women reported they got the faint line. While 31% get negative tests. I've read that even a really light line can mean a positive because it detects HCG in your system and straight negatives are "plain white with no indication of a line."  

Bottom Line: I am "hopeful," but I'm trying to keep my expectations in check - which I'm not being successful at so far! I want to be cautiously optimistic at the moment. 

CD26 - 11dpIUI (4/24/15): 


I tested again today, the line was lighter than it was yesterday. So I'm thinking maybe I'm not pregnant this cycle... Will have to see how the blood work comes back. It's still really early to be testing, but the line should be getting darker - not lighter.

How do I feel? Not totally disappointed yet. I really do trust that my baby will come when he/she is supposed to. I'm holding onto that thought!

Symptom wise: still having progesterone side-effects. Still very tired. I also started cramping yesterday. Could AF be coming? But it's really early for AF cramps.  I'm not due for AF for another week. Hmmm. It's a bit weird having your body act differently than normal. Not sure if it's fertility drugs, AF, or signs of pregnancy. 

CD27 - 12dpIUI (4/25/15): 

I'm convinced that I'm not pregnant at this point. I'm getting AF cramps (still early for me). No AF yet because I'm still taking the progesterone (which can delay AF). But I'm pretty positive that I'm not pregnant.

CD28 - 13dpIUI (4/26/15):  

The TWW is finally headed to an "end". It felt like the longest two weeks I've ever lived through!! I had so much going on, but this waiting thing is no joke. I constantly thought about this, googled more than I ever googled. I'm pretty sure that I'm not pregnant. I think the false positive I got was probably remnants of my HCG Trigger Shot. When I tested out my trigger shot, it was on a cheap test. The one I got the faint positive on was a better early pregnancy indicator. 

Do I regret testing early? Not at all. It can feel like things are out of your control just "waiting" and not knowing. Not even knowing if the sperm met the egg! Yet, you have to wait and wait and wait. With testing, I felt like "At least I'm doing something actionable!" Illogical as that sounds, it made me feel better. Tomorrow is the blood work and the official Beta test that will confirm it. 

I'm going to stop the progesterone today in hopes that my period will come in a few days. Since I'm getting all these cramps, I figure my period will come in 2-3 days from stopping the progesterone. 

In my mind, I'm onto cycle #2 already - checking my calendar. I have some travel coming up, so it'll be ideal if I can start AF this week in order to get everything in before I leave town. 

How do I feel? I feel a little disappointed... I'm sure everyone that goes through IUI hopes that they'll be some of the lucky one that get a BFP on the first cycle! I know I was really hoping for that! 

I still have some slimmer of a hope that maybe - possibly - the Beta will be positive. But really, it's just grasping at straws at this point. I actually feel OK with it in a way. 

I still believe it WILL happen and will happen when it's supposed to happen! Have to stay positive at this juncture, it's a tough road to travel down at times. Still Praying for Baby C! 

Breach of Confidentiality

Out of 8 foster children, this is the first time my personal information has been breached.

I receive letters from Little Guy's birth mother and she referred to me with my first AND last name. This is not good... This makes it easier for her to locate my residence. I am really upset about this & am now considering long-term if maybe we should move out of the state. There are safety concerns... 

After I adopt him, I'm considering changing Little Guy's first name... I didn't want to do that. His name totally fits him! But it'll be really easy to find him. I'm considering changing his first name to his middle name... 

Unfortunately there's nothing we can do at this point, it's done. I have asked that they try and find out how she found out my last name -- so that it doesn't happen again to another foster parent. 

I met with the new Case Manager, #3. She seems ok, a bit "self-focused" in a way. She was very quick to complain about her income and job. Odd at a first meeting... But she did say she doesn't think the case plan will change back to family reunification... That the case report lists me as the "permanent placement" for Little Guy. This is huge and the first time it's been put in any court records. 

The parent aide, #3 as well, that I complained about in a previous post... Had nothing to say but "praise" the birth father for how well he parents during the 2-hour supervised visits... All in the court reports. Interesting. The parent aide, #2, that was on the case for a year -- had opposite comments... Yet, she's on the case for 3 weeks and it's "praise". Odd. 

It's tough reading through the letters from his Birth Mother. She writes to him and some of the things she writes... They're just not in his best interest at times. She also still thinks that he's going to "go back to family" where "he belongs." 

I'm saving all her letters to give to Little Guy when he's at an age to digest/understand things. I worry about this, as some of it may make him feel guilty. I don't want that for him... But I also don't want to hold any of his story back from him. He has a right to know... when he's ready -- he will get all the info with no filters. He deserves that much. 

<sigh> 

As much as I feel her pain and she's missing out on this amazing child... The other part of me wishes she would do what's best for him & relinquish her parental rights. Dragging this out isn't good for him & right now there's zero chance for them to get him back. Plus, she's in this predicament because of her choices... 

I just wish that Litte Guy's needs & best interest came first. Which, hopefully soon it will - once rights are severed and adoption is finalized. The trial can't come soon enough... 5 more weeks! 

Visit from Social Worker for Little Guy & More Visitation Frustration!

As a foster parent, sometimes the worse part of fostering is having such little control on what happens to your foster children.

Visitation Frustration - AGAIN

This time it relates to Little Guy. I know that there's a "network" of people that contribute to one child... yet, sometimes we are faced with such incompetence from certain people - it's infuriating. For example, Little Guy's new Parent Aide -- useless. This is Parent Aid #3 or something. But man, she's absolutely useless.

She picks him up late, he gets to the visit late, so she keeps him late at the visit. This is ok every now and then - not every-single-visit! Every single one! I'm not exaggerating.

Then she complains that he's tired or slept through a portion of the visit. Seriously? His visits are during his morning nap -- so he misses his morning nap on visit days. Then she drops him off LATE, making his afternoon nap shorter. Poor baby boy needs the sleep! She has the right to complain about it when it's her own incompetence that is aiding to his sleepiness?! Grrrr.

Then she has the audacity to say, "This is the first time in 3 weeks he hasn't had a runny nose." Uh, duh - he's been sick. Kids get sick. Kids get runny noses. Kids pass germs between each other. It happens. It's not odd or strange or different for a child to have a runny nose. Not to mention that he has a compromised immune system due to his "history" so is more likely to get sick and take longer to kick it. Grrrr.

This is the person that is trusted to transport my Little Guy 2x's a week for 45 minutes, one-way. It's so frustrating that I can't just say "NO - YOU will not transport him!" I have no say whatsoever. Additionally, she is trusted to write notations to the court/judge. A person that can't even show up on time and can't even remember my Little Guy's name! Yeah, you read that right. She dropped him off one time and said "Here's XX" -- which wasn't his name! She got it wrong 3x's. Ugh.

I need to pray about this. I just hope that once severance happens, visitations will stop. This is ridiculous. And these darn fertility drugs!!! I'm an emotional mess over this :(

Visit from Social Worker

We have another court hearing next week for Little Guy. It's a Pre-Trial / Report & Review (R&R). I don't expect anything to happen at the hearing, as the severance trial is set for next month... It's finally *almost* here. However, I get nervous each hearing because you never know if something is going to come out of the blue and impact the case.

A big issue: I have no clue who the new Client Manager (CM) is for my Little Guy! Received an email late last month that the CM was leaving and I would be contacted the next week by the new CM. Now a month has gone by and no new CM has contacted me. Not good. I just hope that this does not impact the case any. I would hate for this to drag out even longer...!

Imagine, Little Guy has been in care for 16 months now. The case plan changed in May 2014... almost a year ago! Yet, the case is still going. Why? Technicalities. There's something wrong with that. It shouldn't take this long to find permanency, especially in this scenario. 

Praying things move swiftly from this point on & permanency doesn't take longer than needed. 

IUI Cycle #1: The torturous Two Week Wait - Week 1

Let's be honest, patience has never been my thing. Waiting is hard and this Two Week Wait is no joke. Here are my ramblings and ruminations while the TWW went by at a torturously s-l-o-w pace and while I waited for my BETA Test on 4/27. Decided to ramble here instead of annoyingly talking to my friends about it! 

How the first week in the Two Week Wait went for me: 

CD16 - 1dpIUI (4/14/15): It's so weird. All this build up and then there's no release to all this pent up excitement. I'm feeling a bit emotional about the whole thing. Like if the egg is going to meet the sperm, it would've happened within the first 24 hours after the IUI. I have to wait 2 entire weeks before I find out if the first 24 hours was successful. Ugh. It's also strange to be super excited since I'm not sure if this will be the cycle that'll get me my BFP. I'm extremely hopeful, but I'm also trying to keep my mind-frame in check. I've also gotten worse with my sickness or allergies or whatever it is that I have :(  In the back of mind I keep wondering if my compromised immune system will impact conception somehow... 

It's like I imagined things being so "perfect" with my IUI that I didn't realize that I had these expectations until things didn't go as planned. I would be healthy - for one. I would be able to rest afterwards - that's two. I would feel some inner sureness that "THIS WILL WORK!" - that's three. Of course, things never go as planned! But I'm dealing with it. 

Interestingly enough, I received this in the mail today from my insurance. I also received emails at work on virtual classes to take before going on Maternity leave. Coincidence that I received both of these "pregnancy" things on the same day - the same week as my IUI? Hmmm... Maybe it's a sign? :) 

CD17 - 2dpIUI (4/15/15): Yesterday I did have some light spotting, but I think that was due to the IUI procedure. I normally spot after I get a pap smear as well, so it's pretty normal for me and nothing I'm worried about. I started the Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories last night. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and not as messy. There are a lot of side effects to the Progesterone:

Bloating, stomach/abdominal pain, nausea, breast tenderness, headache, drowsiness, mood swings, irritability, or vaginal discomfort may occur. 

Joys of fertility drugs! After one use, I haven't noticed anything - so I may not be as sensitive to it as I was to the Clomid. 

I've also decided to do some "home remedies" to help increase the chance of implantation -- Pomegranate Juice and Brazilian Nuts. They say it helps! I also read that pineapple core helps too, but I'm going to skip that... I've also started monitoring my Glucose levels more frequently. Need to keep my blood sugar in check. 

CD18 - 3dpIUI (4/16/15): I think I'm experiencing one of the side effects of Progesterone --> drowsiness. I'm TIRED. Like overly tired. Even when I sleep a long time, I don't feel rested, I feel like I haven't slept very long. I'm starting to feel a lot better though, meaning I'm not as congested! Small victory there. Trying not to think about all the "what ifs" right now, but it's hard. I've been combing through the forums that I follow... a little obsessively! I know there's nothing I can do to "help things along" at this point, which is frustrating knowing there's nothing I can do! It's the control freak in me! Oh joy of the TWW and the WAIT part of it all. I also experienced some minor cramping and lower back pain. Might all be unrelated or due to the progesterone. 

I've also been getting MORE bills on my Hysteroscopy surgery -- bills I didn't expect and wasn't told were coming. I received a bill from the anaesthesiologist AND additional costs for the surgery - my insurance didn't cover it 100%. The $$ for all of this is getting a little frustrating since I can't budget for things that I don't know are coming. So, getting bill that are over $700 out of the blue = no fun at all. Grrrrr. 

CD19 - 4dpIUI (4/17/15): I have to admit, I am not above "symptom" hunting!!! I know it's really early and most of my supposed "symptoms" are most likely due to the progesterone. However, just for record keeping purposes: I am still extremely tired, I'm irritable, I'm running "colder" (I usually feel hot - but I've been feeling cold), I have a bit of insomnia, last night I had to wake up in the middle of the night to go pee (which I normally don't do) - and then I couldn't go back to sleep. So today, I've been awake since about 3:30am-ish. 

Since I'm confessing a bit... I've also consulted with the Google-Oracle and have been reading article after article on "Early Signs of Pregnancy" and "Implantation Signs". It does say most women don't experience ANY symptoms in the first few weeks of pregnancy... and with the Progesterone, it'll be hard to tell whether or not I'm truly having symptoms, if it's due to the drug, or if AF is coming. I've also been reading a website called "The Two Week Wait" and foraging through the SMC Forum / Pink Pad Forum / and What to Expect Forum with increased vigor. 

Not overly thinking this TWW at all. Nope, not at all...! 

CD20 - 5dpIUI (4/18/15): Still having the "wake up to go pee" in the middle of the night and had some weird vivid dreams. Not sure if related to TTC... But still not my "normal" thing. Feeling a little less stressed about things. It's really out of my hands at this point. On the plus side, I'm starting to feel a lot better and sleep better at night -- as my congestion has gone down and my sore throat is gone. I still have upper respiratory junk though. 

On a side note - I can't find Brazillian nuts at the store! But I finally got POM Juice and started that today. POM Juice = Yuck. I don't like it! Not a fan. Why do things that are to "help" with fertility are so disgusting? Why can't pizza, Ice Cream, or grilled cheese help with fertility? Ugh. 

I have been talking to my belly in case there's a little blastocyst in there :) I'm almost scared to let myself think, "I can be pregnant right now."

CD21 - 6dpIUI (4/19/15): Yet another late night restroom visit. Hmmm... I'm not drinking more fluids than I normally do. Odd. I've also gotten some aches in my uterus, lower back pain, and I'm still really tired. I'm sure it's related to the fertility drugs. Fertility drugs really "mess with you" since the symptoms can mirror pregnancy signs. Also, I think I may just be super aware of every little thing my body is feeling. Plus, I already know that it's way too early to have ANY pregnancy signs. But it's good to track how I'm reacting to the fertility drugs at least. 

CD22 - 7dpIUI (4/20/15): Here's a bunch of If's for you. IF conception happened and IF implantation is going to happen --> it can start happening today! Typically, implantation occurs 7-10 days after conception (technically, it can happen a little earlier or later). I am officially Half-way through the TWW... 1 more week before I find out IF I'm pregnant. 

I think I *may* test early after all... Not too early, but on 4/26 - one day before my BETA. Hopefully I won't regret it! 

Frustration with Visitations

There are a lot of frustrating things that happen with foster care. One of those can be visitations. Today was not a good day for Little Miss. Due to some changes in the agency that supervises her visitations, there was a delay in visits for almost 3 weeks. It's sad when that happens for the birth family and for the foster child.

Little Miss had her first visit today after almost 3 weeks of no visits. Prior to the visit, I was just thinking "Wow, look how well she's doing! She hasn't had a tantrum in so long, I can't even remember the last time she had a tantrum." I was also thinking about how far she's progressed verbally and physically. She's been doing amazing.

Then, the visit happened. I get an overtired child back that's an emotional mess. Then, she has the worse tantrum she's had in weeks... Can you imagine being a 2 year old and not having the words to express your feelings? It breaks my heart to see her progress so far and then to see a breakdown in her emotional state like this. This has to have been one of the worse tantrums I've seen from her, probably since she's lived with me... It was really bad.

I don't know what the answer is to any of this. Signing up to being a foster parent, you kind of know you're going to experience things like this. The foster care system is completely broken in my state. But also, visitations are needed to keep the birth family and the child connected. It would just be nice if there wasn't such an emotional component for the child or some way to make it OK for them.

As the foster parent, it's hard to "parent" these things as well. I constantly worry if my parenting style is being helpful or more harmful. Luckily we are getting services in place for Little Miss that should help her through this.

Today was a tough day...

On another note, I did have fun spending some 1x1 time with Little Guy. His idea of fun at the park is: not playing at the park - but looking at the flowers and walking everywhere that is not the playground! He also is practicing his dramatic tantrums -- arching back and falling to the floor style. He stopped that after he got some "sand" on his hands and the landing wasn't as soft as at home! He also was practicing saying "HI" with a cute little wave as people walked by :) Love watching him develop and grow socially. I even love his little tantrums. Probably because he starts laughing once he's on the floor - silly boy. I'm working REALLY hard not to laugh when he does this, because although it's so darn cute - I don't want to encourage the behavior. Even on a rough day, Little Guy still manages to bring joy to the day.

IUI Cycle #1: CD15 - Let's Make a Baby - Insemination Day!!!! "May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor."

Yesterday was a rough day after having to do the trigger so early! I couldn't go back to sleep after the trigger - I had so much energy. Then felt like "crashing" by afternoon! Plus I had two sick toddlers - coughing, sneezing, runny noses. I also started feeling a bit under the weather, sore throat and stuffy nose! I couldn't sleep at all last night! :(  I didn't want to take cold/allergy medicine worried it would somehow impact my IUI... Ugh. 

Nevertheless, I was highly unproductive. Read that some of the side effects of Pregnyl include being tired.

Alas, the day finally arrived for my first IUI!! All this waiting - and here we are - Baby Making Day! :) 

The IUI was at another office that's about an hour from my house. That's where they were keeping Monroe's Swimmers. I worked a half-day today & was able to have lunch with a friend prior to the procedure.

As it turns out, I had a pretty busy day - including having a presentation at my home in the evening (post IUI). Which was weird since I had such a momentous thing happen with the IUI and then I had to give an hour presentation on Mental Flexibility. Such odd timing, I had this presentation scheduled pre-IUI day being scheduled. At least it kept my mind off of it a bit! I was a little worried that I was standing for so long...

I arrived at the clinic early and really needed to use the restroom. When I asked, they didn't want me to use the bathroom. Why? I guess they like it when your bladder is "full" for your IUI. Which, I wasn't told prior...! But I REALLY had to go - like I'm not going to be able to hold it type of go. So, they said "OK, but don't let it all out." Well, you know once you start going to the bathroom - it's hard not to keep going! But I tried my best.

I got taken into the room a little early and was told to "get ready". Then they came in the room to have me verify the sperm information and to sign some form (that I probably should've read fully!). Then I was to lay down and "get into the position". The RE inserted the spectrum and then I felt like a "tickle" in my cervix and then it was done. Just like that done. RE then said, "We're done." I was like, "really?!" I was so shocked - didn't last more than 2 minutes maybe?

After that, I was told to lay there with my hips elevated for 10 minutes. I have to admit, I cried! It was a little overwhelming. This natural thing to want to have a baby and then to be going through this process, it feels so un-natural... I don't know. Then the fact that sperm from a total stranger were swimming around in my uterus made me think this is so odd. But really, what other options do I have to try to have my own baby?

So, I cried. Cried because it was so weird. Cried because it was so "procedural". Cried because I want to have this baby so bad. Cried because the odds are so low. Cried because of the possibility that this "could be it".

Then a song came on (they play music at my RE's office) - one that reminded me of High School & I started to sing along (badly) and it made me laugh. When the timer went off, I said a little prayer to God and got dressed.

I then asked the nurse if I can have the vial the sperm came in, since I spent so much money on it and I've never even seen it! Then, I asked for the full sperm analysis - out of curiosity more than anything. Turns out I had to sign a medical waiver to get it! Interesting. So, I should get it when I go in for my BETA Test (AKA pregnancy test). My BETA test will be on April 27th... Which is my brother's birthday, so I'm hoping that's good news and I'll get a positive BETA test! Not much more I can do at the moment but WAIT... the dreaded Two Week Wait (TWW).

Monroe's Sperm Analysis: Sperm Count (anything >10 million is good): 18 million. Can you believe that 18 million sperm fit in that little vial???!!!

My Lucky "FIGHT ON!" Insemisocks. Let's sing a little "Conquest" for Monroe's swimmers. One of the 18 million swimmers has to make it to one of my eggs. 

I also had my rosary with me :)

IUI Cycle #1: CD14 Pregnyl Trigger Shot - I DID IT!

This morning I had my Pregnyl (HCG) shot .... 2:15am. The trigger shot induces ovulation. 

Before I went to sleep I set everything out on the counter and set my alarm for 1:50am. I wanted to make sure I had time to mix the solution. 

I went slow mixing the solutions, following the steps slowly - to make sure I didn't mess up. It went relatively quickly and I was able to lay back in bed while I waited for my 2:15am alarm to sound. 

At 2:14am, I "prepared" myself. Said "I will count to 3 & just plunge the needle in! No hesitating!!" 

At 2:15am, the alarm went off. I hesitated! Took 3 times counting down from "3-2-1" before I managed to insert the needle. I decided to go with under my belly button for the shot. Surprisingly, going in did not hurt!!! I started to depress the needle slowly & that didn't hurt so bad. Removing the needle there was minor pain & then immediately after I felt a burning sensation, very slight. Only lasted a minute or two before it dissipated. There was hardly any blood - just a little dot easily covered with a bandaid. 

Overall, it wasn't bad!! I can't imagine having to give myself shots all the time.... But it went better than I expected. I'm actually surprised I was able to pull it off! I was doubting myself there for a little bit. 

Now, in about 36 hours I will have my IUI... Then in 40-42 hours I should ovulate. Praying my follicles continued to mature & at least one is >18mm. Hoping sperm & egg meet & conception occurs.....!!! Let's hope Monroe's swimmers get the job done! Then that the egg implants 7-10 days after that. Then a positive pregnancy test 14 days later! Crossing fingers this works. Will say a little prayer before I go back to bed. 

Baby C - this may be "it"! :)

Positive Changes

Just realized that there have been so many positive changes for Little Miss since she's come to live with me. Today I noticed one of them.

When she first arrived and we would go to the park, she wouldn't really "play" - she would just sit there (literally) and watch the other kids play - not really enjoying herself. 

Today, we went to the park & she was running around! She was all over the place and she was enjoying herself. 

Another thing that's changed- when we would be hanging out in the living room & Little Guy would be playing -- she used to just sit there. 

Now, she's playing & using her imagination. She plays with her baby dolls & pretends. She will sing and dance to herself. 

Her manners are also getting there. She will say "Bless you mom" when I sneeze. When I tell her "bless you" she will say "thank you". 

It's really great to see these positive changes in her! 

IUI Cycle #1: CD11 Ultrasound - IUI SCHEDULED!!!

Waking Up: I woke up earlier than usual to prepare for the day and to get things ready before the kiddos woke up. I've been trying hard not to "focus" on this appointment. I've been pretty busy, so the distractions helped. However, the count-down clock was always in the back of my mind. I've been avoiding praying to God and asking him to let this be "the cycle"! It just feels wrong to ASK God to "Make me a baby". Like, if it it's meant to be - God will let it be. Instead, I decided to ask for patience, understanding, acceptance, and to keep hope. Because no matter what happens, I'm going to need those things in order to take the next steps.

I was a bit emotional in the morning wondering what those "next steps" are going to look like. I blame it on the fertility drugs - my emotions are all over the place! ;-) Just to think... this isn't even the most difficult part!! This is just one more "step" in the process to have the IUI. Yet, every single step in this process is vital to a successfully timed IUI -- which leads to a successful conception and that coveted BFP (big fat positive). 

The kids had a late night last night. We had an appointment that ran way over and set our routine back a bit. I think this may be the first time the kids went to sleep so off schedule! Off schedule to me is +30 minutes after the normal bedtime.  I'm really good about sticking to the wakeup/night time routine. Little Guy even tried to say "Ni-Ni" last night. Warms my heart every single time. I let them sleep in a little later this morning, since I know they went to sleep late - but also so I could get things in order. When I did finally got the kids up, Little Guy decided to pee when I was changing his diaper! Believe it or not, we haven't had many incidents of that happening up until now. He peed all over his leg and started laughing. Silly boy. Need to start thinking about potty training him and Little Miss. 

Prior to leaving the house, I made sure to have my Pregnyl (HCG) Trigger shot and my "lucky" ultrasound socks with me!  

Ultrasound: The ultrasound went well, I was in and out in 5 minutes maybe? Really fast! First the good:

• Uterine Lining: is at 9.22 mm, which is good! It needed to be above 7mm. 
• Right Ovary: There's ONE leading follicle that is 16mm. A lot of smaller ones, but not any that are "in contention", they are too small. 
• Left Ovary: They had a hard time seeing my left ovary again. There were a lot of small follicles. He was able to see one follicle that was about 13mm. But that's not as big as they want it. Follicles grow about 1-2mm a day, so it's possible it can mature and get bigger, but it looks like right now, the one on the right is the best bet. 

After the U/S, the nurse showed me how to do the Pregnyl Trigger Shot... Looks painful, but do-able. 

Here are my Lucky socks at work! 

Next Steps: The IUI is scheduled for Monday, April 13 @ 2:15 p.m. -- I was right on choosing the day! I had a feeling it would be that day. Was hoping for earlier, but kind of knew the timing would work better if it was on Monday. The Trigger Shot is schedule for Sunday April 12 @ 2:15 a.m. Yup, you read that right! It has to be 36 hours prior to the IUI.

How I'm Feeling: I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed that I didn't have more larger mature follicles. I was hoping that 2-3 would give me better odds of getting pregnant this cycle. However, it only takes ONE egg to make it work. Plus, the second follicle is close behind and can grow big enough by the Trigger to be in contention (possibly). They say that follicles grow about 2mm a day. If that's right, then the 16mm will be 24mm by IUI time and the 13mm will be about 21mm. Hoping and praying these follicles keep growing steadily.

Looking on the bright side, The Cycle is still a GO! I have at least the one good follicle and one really close behind. I have my trigger day/time, I have my IUI day/time. Moving forward! Just need to take a moment and be thankful that things are lining up and there are no more obstacles this cycle. 

IUI Cycle #1: CD4 through CD10, I'm Not Obsessing... I am impatiently waiting ;-)

This is going to be a long post with my rants from day-to-day. Read at your leisure :)

I know what people say:

"It'll happen when it's supposed to." 
"All in God's time." 
"Don't worry about it." 
"Don't stress" 
"Try not to focus on it." 

Give me a break. There is NO WAY I can't focus on it! It's a bit hard because I still haven't told many people about this journey, so I only have a few friends that I can really talk to about this. However, I don't want to talk their ears off! Which is odd in a way, not being able to talk freely about something that is totally consuming my thoughts.

It's not that I have a need to tell people about this journey. I decided early on that it's really no one's business and I am under no obligation to tell anyone about it (besides Baby C). Which I feel 100% comfortable with. I feel good about the friends that I have confided in and that's enough for me. It just feels weird to have this big thing going on in my life and trying to keep it under wraps. I'm so excited about it, some days I just want to be able to say "I have this really great thing that I'm going through!" and blab all about it. People find this process fascinating, especially the sperm donor aspect :)

What I've found the most perplexing about this process is how complex conception really is. How everything needs to be lined up accordingly to have a little baby. Yet, people get pregnant ALL THE TIME! Miracles all around us, it's truly amazing and wonderful.

I may or may not tell more people about "how" I got pregnant. But really, I don't want everyone to know I'm trying to conceive until I've successfully made it through conception -- then through my first trimester of pregnancy. With my age and all the "high risk" factors, there's no way to tell how things will play out or how quickly I'll be able to conceive.

Therefore, I will quietly obsess about this baby making process by writing all my thoughts in this blog entry while I wait for my CD 11 U/S on 4/9. Not that I'm counting down the days or anything.... ;) Sorry in advance if it's a long entry!

CD#4 (4/2/15): I've only had 1 day of Clomid so far and I feel extremely bloated. I'm also having some "pains" on my right side. I'm thinking it might be from my ovary?! Not really sure since I've never really "felt" my ovaries before!! It's a possibility it can be from AF being extremely heavy today... However, this feels different than my normal cycle/cramps and these are side effects of taking Clomid. Kind of crazy to have an instant reaction to medication like this, especially since I'm on a low dosage. Well, hopefully the Clomid is working it's baby making magic and maturing 1-3 of my follicles.

I received a call from my pharmacy and my other meds are being shipped to me: The HCG Trigger shot and the Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories. The meds should arrive tomorrow. I won't need these until next week.

Thoughts for today: I really need to pray to God. I need to talk to my ovaries and my follicles - tell them it's serious business this month! I need to stay positive. I need to stop obsessing or I need to obsess in a productive manner :) It's going to be a long month...! 

CD#5 (4/3/15): Last night, on my 2nd day of Clomid - I had my first "HOT FLASHES!" I was at a meeting last night and had to take my pill prior to the meeting (I take it with dinner). During the meeting, I was sweating so bad, it was horrible. I was also wearing a dress and there was sweat dripping down my legs. Disgusting :(  Then, just like that - they stopped. Weird.

Today, I found out about something called "INSEMISOCKS". I've been following the SMC message boards, which I'm LOVING by the way. So much information, advice, knowledge, support. I am so happy I decided to join this group. Well, someone mentioned: Insemisocks. Women will wear cute socks while they are having their IVF/IUI procedures done. I love the idea so much I'm going to have to buy some new socks for my first IUI!!! Make some fun out of it. I've been trying to think about how I can stay relaxed the day of the IUI and deal with all the anxious energy I have right now. This can be one fun way to deal with things. I might even buy a few cute socks to wear for my U/S CD 11 and for any other time I'm "on the table".

Thoughts for today: It's getting closer and closer, almost there! 

CD#8 (4/6/15): Last day of Clomid was yesterday. I hope that means that my hot flashes stop!!! Man, those things are torturous!! Yesterday was also Easter. It really snuck up on me this year, I wasn't done shopping for my Little Guy's basket! I finished Little Miss's, but am missing a few items for Little Guy. So, they'll get their baskets post-Easter. I did a "summer" theme again: bathing suits, hats, towels, sunglasses, flip flops, sand toys. Then the traditional: chocolate Easter bunny and peeps. I just couldn't find a swim suit for Little Guy in his size.

Last few days I've been thinking to myself: What if this doesn't work? What if I have a hard time getting pregnant? What if... what if... what if... Can drive myself crazy with those questions. However, it's hard not to think about it. There is only a 20% chance that this cycle will work. That makes it an 80% chance that it won't work. That's the reality of it. But then I also think: What if it works?! What if I'm part of that lucky 20% to have it work? Then I get a big smile on my face and think just how amazing that moment is going to feel.

Thoughts for today: I will trust that God has a plan for me and that I will be led in the right direction. I pray that I will accept that path, where ever it leads me. 
Also, is it CD#11 yet??!!! 

CD#9 (4/7/15): Now, I've become fixated on the timing. When does the IUI take place after the trigger shot? My RE told me 36 hours. But it's possible I can have the IUI in less than that if I trigger after the U/S on Thursday... I've entrusted my research to Google-verse... From what I gather from the millions of forums, blog posts, & websites is inconclusive. Lol. It's looking like the norm can be from 24-36 hours, depending on your clinic... I wish I can stop "researching" it. But it's really fascinating, when the egg is released vs how long washed sperm live in the uterus. The timing needs to be perfect to make sure the sperm meet the egg. I will just need to trust that my RE wants to get me pregnant & will do what he thinks is right with the timing. So far I have not been led astray!

I'm so tense, I decided to schedule a massage on Thursday! Need to relax!

Thoughts for today: Getting closer to determining the IUI date. Will it be April 10th? April 13th? April 14th? I'm still guessing April 13th - but I'm starting to favor April 10th. If I'm having so much impatience just WAITING for my IUI, imagine how the dreaded 2 week wait are going to be. Oh my...! 

CD#10 (4/8/15): Tomorrow... Tomorrow... CD11 U/S!!! Here's what I'm hoping for: 1) 2-3 mature follicles that are a good size (>18mm), 2) uterine lining to be good (need to be >7mm & have a good "triple layer"), 3) get my trigger day/time & 4) schedule IUI!!

If my follicles have not matured to the right size and my lining is not thick enough -- then the IUI would be delayed as I can be put on more medication to help improve these factors. There is also a small possibility that my cycle can be cancelled... So hoping and praying for good mature follicles and a nice triple layer uterine lining.  Let's hope the Clomid and the Baby Aspirin worked its wonders.

It almost doesn't feel "real". All this anticipation and I'm not feeling too anxious at the moment. That must be good... Although, I think tomorrow I'll feel the nerves more! I'm also seeing the other RE, not my normal one. I don't like him as much as my RE. His bedside manner isn't as "warm". 

Thoughts for today: One more day and the next steps will be clear. Just one more day...! 

The Joy Maker

There is a lot of stress in trying to conceive (TTC) and I've been really focused on blogging about it lately. It's really thought-consuming. Although I've been thinking and contemplating a lot about making Baby C... I don't want to forget about the little "Joy Maker" in my life. 

My Little Guy. I feel so lucky to have been picked to be his foster mommy. Foster placements are so random, that I have to believe that God specifically picked me to be his foster mom. Every day I have him in my life brings so much joy. I just pray that things keep moving along steadily and adopting him will happen in the next few months. 

His little personality, he's ALWAYS happy! He wakes up happy, goes to sleep happy, is happy most of the day. He laughs and laughs, is a little goofy. He's so sweet and kind. He's adventurous and curious and always on the go. 

This morning, like every other morning, Little Guy woke up talking and singing to himself. When I went in his room to get him, he was cuddling his snoopy toy. He then held it out for me to kiss. Which in turns make him laugh like it's the funniest thing ever. He then kisses snoopy and hugs him close. 

Little Guy is still working on developing "speech" and gets new words every month. He recently started actively calling me "Mama". When I picked him up from daycare yesterday he said "Hi Mama".  I have to admit, hearing him call me Mama just warms my heart in so many ways & brings tears to my eyes every single time. I've had many of my foster children call me Mommy... but from My Little Guy, it has a big impact on me. I pray that I'll be his forever mama and that everything will work out in the end. 

So, although I'm blogging and focusing on trying to conceive... there's a lot more going on. With the TTC, at least I have some sense of control over it. I don't feel like I'm in control of how Little Guy's case will turn out... I think that blogging about Little Guy is scary too. He's not adopted yet and I hold this fear that something will happen and the adoption won't go through, that somehow I will lose him. It scares me to no end. I can't even let myself think of the possibility because I'm not sure how I would ever make it through that kind of loss. Instead of focusing on that fear, I just try to love him every day & enjoy every single moment I have with him. He is my Joy Maker after all, my happy little guy. I am so lucky to be his "Mama." 

Update on my foster babies

It's been awhile since I posted an update on my foster babies. It's been extremely busy with these two little ones.

Little Guy

My Little Guy is doing really well! Nothing terribly new on his case. We are getting a new Case Manager. This will be Case Manager #3. We also have a new judge. This will be Judge #2. Not to mention we have a new ADA (Assistant District Attorney) #2 or #3. Lots of changes! I suppose it's to be expected, he's been in care for 15 months and his case is STILL going. I haven't heard from the new Case Manager yet, I'm sure he/she will touch-base in the next few weeks or so.

We have a court hearing next month, which I don't expect much to happen at. The hearing/trial in May is the BIG one and will determine next steps (hopefully the adoption path will be clearer at that point).

Other than that, he is the funniest little person I know! He loves to laugh, is starting to RUN, wants to get his way and do what he wants, has his little toddler tantrums, and is so inquisitive. His little personality is so precious. Love my Little Guy :)

Little Miss

First the good! Little Miss has adjusted extremely well. From Day 1 to today, she has come so far. She finds stability in structure and routine, she's happier, and I believe she feels secure. She has identified me as her primary care giver and I hear "Mommy, Mama, or Mom" all the time. Her behaviors are starting to become more age appropriate.

She has had a lot of appointments... a lot of specialists... a lot of intakes. I swear, she has had more appointments than any of my other children. Her appointments look like they will be on-going too. It's the most complex case I've ever had with a foster child. Not to mention, the case may last up to two years... Which is just sad and crazy. Imagine, she'll be 4 years old before finding permanency. Something just seems wrong with that. Originally they had told me that she would be "short term", 3-6 months. Ummm, yeah right. That is one reason why I had agreed to take her...

The bad. Parenting Little Miss is a challenge. Being a foster child, she is constantly battling with me and testing me, trying to push my limits. I know this is all "normal" for foster kids to do these things, I've had my other foster kids do this as well. However, it doesn't make it easier to parent. It does become tiring. I just try to remain consistent and try my best not to react / stay calm. Little Miss is the Queen of the high pitch tantrum scream, that's for sure! When she's on one, it reverberates throughout the ENTIRE house. No joke.

I do feel very committed to Little Miss... to get her all the services she needs and to make sure that we work on bonding/attachment. Plus, seeing her with Little Guy - they are so adorable together! They get along so well and really love one another.

There is a part of me that wonders though, if I do get pregnant with Baby C - if I'll be able to keep up with Little Miss's appointments. Being single with 2 toddlers is not a cake walk! Then the reality of being single and having two toddlers with a newborn... hmmm.

I want to say "I can do it!" But really, I have no clue how my body will react to being pregnant or if I'll have any complications.

I would never feel right disrupting a foster placement... However, WHEN I get pregnant - I'll have to see if there are any medical complications and if I can maintain my care for Little Miss... The most important thing as a foster parent is making sure you're meeting your foster child's needs. If anything would hinder that, then it would be in her best interest to be moved to another foster home.    This is another thing I'd have to take one day at a time, as I got through the IUI process & hopefully get my BFP.

The plan right now is: I'll keep her until she finds permanency.

Perhaps you're wondering about Little Guy in all this? Well, I'm hoping to adopt him! I've had him since birth and he truly is an easy child. I always had Little Guy in mind when planning for Baby C, making sure there was at least 2 years age difference between them - which right now, is going as planned. I can't imagine my life without him. Hoping to be able to call him my forever son by year end.

Well, that's the long and the short of it. Things are going well, but there are challenges. We are busy-busy and my calendar looks like a war zone! But in all honesty, it's pretty smooth in the day-to-day having the two of them. I am thinking, "I can have 3 kids as a single mom!" LOL. Wish me luck and maybe say a little prayer for us ;-)

IUI Cycle #1: CD3 U/S - Follicle Count

IUI Cycle #1: CD #1 3/30/15. IUI TBD. Protocol: 1) Clomid (50 mg x 5 days): CD 3-7. 2) HCG Trigger Shot: TBD 3) Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories (100 mg 1x a day - day after IUI until pregnancy test). 

Process:

1. CD #1 of Cycle --> Schedule U/S. - DONE
2. U/S (CD #2, 3 or 4). Scheduled for 4/1/15 @ 2:15pm (CD# 3). - DONE 
3. Clomid for 5 days. CD3-CD7. IN PROCESS 
4. Baby Aspirin (81 mg): 1 tablet daily until 9 weeks of pregnancy. Starting on CD3.  IN PROCESS 
5. Mid Cycle U/S (CD #11, 12, or 13). Scheduled for 4/9/15 @ 8:45am (CD# 11). 
6. HCG Trigger Shot (this will force ovulation in 40-42 hours) 
7. IUI (after 36 hours from Trigger Shot) 
8. Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories
9. TWO WEEK WAIT
10. HCG Beta Test or AF
11. 2nd HCG Beta Test (48 hours later)

Today I went to have my CD3 ultrasound. The point of the U/S was to count the follicles in my ovaries and also to check for any cysts. Good news, no cysts! We can proceed with this cycle. Yippee! 

I had about 8 follicles in my right ovary. They had a hard time seeing my left ovary. Same issue they had last time. I wonder why that is? But the RE was only able to see 3. Last time they saw 7-8 in each ovary... Hmmm... 

Today I also start more medication: 

• Clomiphene Citrate (Clomid): 50 mg for 5 days CD 3 (4/1/15) through CD 7 (4/5/15). 
• Prenatal Vitamins with folic acid of 800 mcg-1mg (already started). 
• Baby Aspirin (81 mg) 

Clomid... the side effects are pretty harsh. I'm hoping I don't have too many of them... let's see. Clomid is supposed to help my follicles "mature". Normally, a woman releases one egg a cycle. Everyone reacts differently to the medication and I'm on a really low dosage. But the point is for my follicles to "mature" and be released. Hopefully more than 1, but not more than 3. Upping the odds of getting pregnant, but also upping the odds (not by much) of multiples. With my low dosage, we'll see how I react to it. Hoping that I get 2-3 mature follicles. When eggs "mature" then these are the ones that are released into the fallopian tubes and hopefully 1 will get fertilized. 

I go back in on 4/9/15 at 8:45 am to have another U/S and check how many eggs are maturing and how big they are. At this time, if I have more than 3 mature follicles -- then the cycle will be cancelled. The risk of multiples would be too high. If there aren't any mature follicles, they can up my medication dosage and try to push the follicles along. 

Either way, this U/S will determine when the IUI will happen. They'll tell me when to do the HcG trigger shot and then we will schedule the IUI procedure. Right now, it's looking like the IUI will be on either 4/10, 4/13, or 4/14. My guess, it'll happen on 4/13. We'll see! 

I was really nervous for my appointment today... It's so silly really. But it's like "IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING!!!" I wish I could go forward in time and see what's going to happen, how this will all end up. The suspense is almost too much! I've never been known to be patient, that word has never described me. I'm doing my best to keep my expectations in line and to try to keep busy with other things. I have a lot of other things to focus on right now, but all I can think about is this...!

I was in a different room at my clinic today. My Fertility Clinic has a wall of baby pictures, all the babies that they helped make. On the wall, there are some notes that say: 

"Your family... Coming Soon!" 
"We're holding this spot for YOU!!!"
"Make your baby a STAR!" 
"We want your baby on our WALL OF FAME" 

Every time I look at that wall, I get a bit emotional. But I also think "IT CAN HAPPEN!" There are success stories.

Will have to take it one day at a time and see where this journey takes me. Thinking about Happy Baby Dust and praying this is the month my baby will be conceived. 

Cheat Sheet - Acronyms:
RE: Reproductive Endocrinologist 
CD: Calendar Day 
IUI: Intrauterine Insemination 
U/S: Ultrasound 
TWW: Two Week Wait 
HCG: Pregnancy hormone
AF: Aunt Flow
dpIUI: number of "days post" IUI procedure 
BFP: Big Fat Positive. Positive Pregnancy test 
BFN: Big Fat Negative. Negative Pregnancy test 

EDD: Expected Day of Delivery 
SMC: Single Mothers by Choice 
FX: Fingers Crossed