Gratitude List: Week of 10/25/15

This week I'm Grateful for: 

1. Agencies that help foster children, providing beds- clothes - diapers - grants to extracurricular events, etc. 
2. Experiencing Halloween through my son's eyes. 
3. Spending time with close friends. 
4. Afternoon nap time for the kids = nap time for mom :) 
5. My son asking me for a hug. 
6. Watching Little Guy be sweet with Munchkin, offering him his binky when he's fussing. 
7. Munchkin's morning coos. 
8. Beautiful sunrises. 
9. My paid off car. 
10. Watching my son use his imagination and pretend play. 
11. Being able to make tough choices. 
12. Little Guy's Laugh 
13. Toastmasters 
14. Peaceful nights 
15. Getting ready for our adoption! :) 
16. Sometimes I just look at Little Guy and think how lucky I am that I get to be his mama. 
17. Morning coffee 
18. Double digit weather

Cycle #7, IVF #1: A New Path

Moving into the process of going down the IVF road was easier than I thought it would be. I had so much hesitation towards doing IVF. It's been the elephant in the room each cycle with thoughts, "If this cycle fails, I'm this much closer to doing IVF." Now, I'm here. I'm in the process of doing my first IVF Cycle. In a way, I can't believe it. I didn't think my journey to having Baby C would take me down this road. I honestly thought I'd get pregnant within a few IUI cycles.

Life has its own ideas of course.

Now, I get to dive head first into this very scary and very real IVF world. I started really researching what happens in IVF when Cycle #3 failed. I'm going into it pretty knowledgeable, but there are still a lot of questions I have. I'll get those questions answered at my consult on 11/9. I'm hoping to come out of the consult with a good understanding of what needs to happen and what everything looks like.

It's a little strange going down this path... I'm just not sure what to expect. Yet, it almost feels like "Business as Usual" (BAU) moving forward with IVF. You know when you have been on this TTC journey for a while when the RE's office staff knows your voice when you call and doesn't even ask you for your name! True story. I've become a "regular" at the RE's office.

I wish a baby was guaranteed at the end of this long TTC journey. But it's not. I just have to keep faith and be positive while trying to be cautious and realistic. Yeah... easier said than done, not so easy actually living it!

We'll go with: Cautiously Optimistic that IVF will lead to Baby C.

The great thing about IVF is that at least I'll know if the egg was actually inseminated. Doing IUI's were torturous not even knowing if the egg and sperm met up. At least one mystery solved there with IVF. Is it weird that I'm actually looking forward to seeing pictures of my embryos developing? This is considering: 1) My follicles develop, 2) Egg Retrieval goes well and we get a few good eggs, 3) the Eggs inseminate and divide well, and 4) the embryos make it to day 5. Doing IVF will be like living from one step in the process to another. Like walking a tight rope. Well, that's what this entire Trying to Conceive process has felt like! So I guess it'll be BAU.

I'll do my best to track this journey. I have a feeling that I'm going to have a lot of updates, as I'm going to have a lot of monitoring, and there's all this new stuff I'm going to have to learn.

Here we go down the IVF rabbit hole... let's do this! Right now I'm feeling really optimistic and excited to be doing this. It feels "right" to be doing this right now and the timing works out wonderfully. 

Step #1: Insurance Approval and Costs

As things turned out, it was relatively "easy" to get the Infertility Coverage Approval. I didn't have to submit anything. My RE's office had to send two items: 1) Proof of the 6 medicated/monitored IUI's (cycle sheets) and 2) Blood work results. When I went in for my baseline ultrasound earlier, they gave me the update: I'm approved for Infertility Coverage! Woohoo! Yippee! Ok, there was a part of me that a little worried that my insurance would find a way *not* to cover me! So, it was a nice relief to finally hear that YES, I have insurance coverage for IVF! :)

The only things that aren't covered would be the "extra" stuff. My RE is suggesting I do ICSI, but ICSI is not covered. That'll be $1525 out of pocket. PGD (genetic testing) is also not covered. That would be over $5000 out of pocket. Not to mention I need to purchase more donor sperm...

At my consult on 11/9, I'm going to ask some detailed questions on ICSI and PGD testing. See if it's worthwhile to do or not. Right now, ICSI is definitely a YES. PGD... I'm not sure yet. 

Step #2: Baseline Ultrasound 

What's funny is the day I scheduled my ultrasound, I started receiving messages on my RE's website. I have a feeling that there will be a lot of communication on there for this IVF cycle. For my IUI's, I didn't have to use their message center. The message mentioned an "injections class" which will be an hour long. I wonder if the injections will be more complicated than what I'm already used to? Guess I'll find out. I'm already petrified about doing PIO (Progesterone In Oil) shots. I've read a lot about those... I'm going to be honest, I've already tried to get out of them! But they said that I have to do them, but it's only for 14 days. Ummm, 14 days of giving myself shots in my bottom?!! Ugh.

The baseline ultrasound went well. No cysts, so I'm clear to move forward. Discussions:

• Start Birth Control pills starting tomorrow (10/31) and do not take the placebo pills, go straight to a new pack. 
• Consult on 11/9, I'll receive my IVF calendar. Will also get a run down of all the costs associated with it. 
• Discussed ICSI being needed. 
• Said blood work came back and it looked good. Which I already saw the results on the message center online! I had NO CLUE that all the blood results were inputted on this message center. I guess for all my Beta tests, I could've went on there to check it out before I received the call from the nurse.  
• I asked about my left ovary, if it'll be hard to retrieve eggs. They've always had a hard time seeing it. The RE pressed on my stomach and seemed satisfied with how my intestines and ovary laid... Which I guess is good. He's the expert. He said that during Egg Retrieval, he can push on my belly and get better access. I'll be under anesthesia, so I won't feel anything. 
• Right Ovary had 10 follicles and the Left Ovary had 5. RE said he's expecting to get 10-15 at Egg Retrieval, said he'd be surprised if he didn't get all of them. I hope he's right. 
• I'm going to have to do another sonohysterogram. I had my first one in January. Last time, they found a polyp and I had surgery, a hysteroscopy, in February. I'm hoping that they don't find anything... because I fear it'll delay everything. Fingers crossed. 
• We'll do a "mock transfer" to make sure it's easy to get the catheter through my cervix for Egg Transfer. I guess it's a little thicker than the IUI catheter. 

It seems like a very complicated process. I'll be happy when I receive the IVF calendar and can really "see" how things are laid out. 

Overall, wow! I can't believe I'm doing this. That IVF is actually happening. Hoping this process will go smoothly and there will be no delays. 

Fingers Crossed and hoping baby dust is sprinkled all around! This process is so tiring, stressful, and exhausting. I'm actually looking forward to NOT being on any fertility meds for the next few weeks! It'll be nice to feel like myself again, even if for a little bit. 

Next Steps: 

• Start Birth Control pills tomorrow (10/31) 
• IVF Consult on 11/9/15 @ 4:00 p.m.

IUI Cycle #6: The Results are In...

... Time to move to IVF. My 6th BFN. It's weird, I didn't cry this time - almost like I knew it was coming. My heart just feels heavy with the news, but not emotional. I think since fail #5, I had a feeling IVF would be inevitable since I knew the % chances go way down after IUI try #4. I feel so resigned about the whole thing. 

Beta Test

When I got my blood drawn for the Beta Test to confirm, I was a bit teary eyed when I told her that I'm expecting it to come back negative. But the sadness I feel is a little less because I'm trying to focus on positive things and figuring that: 1) I'm doing all I can do to have Baby C and 2) Maybe it's not the right timing. 

Looking back on my life, situations that seemed dire or didn't go as planned, I stressed about and worried about excessively. Yet, everything worked out as it should, which I realized after I had some perspective. I'm trying to look at this the same way. Everything will turn out as it should... even if it's not how I imagined it originally. 

IVF 

So, there's absolutely NO guarantee that IVF is going to work for me. I am going into it realizing that. I don't want to get my hopes up. IVF will be my last shot at making Baby C a reality... I'm absolutely hoping for the best, but I don't want to have unrealistic expectations about the entire situation. I've read too many blogs and have been on too many forums to realize that IVF doesn't work for everyone. With that said, it's my best and only chance at having a baby at this point... Which means I have to give it a try. Because as I mentioned, I want to do all that I can do. I almost feel like this is my "Hail Mary" of a try. Depending how things turn out, I'll have to reevaluate and determine next steps. For now, IVF is the next road to venture down. 

Next Steps: 

• Call Insurance & get infertility approval. I will get assigned an infertility contact person at my insurance company to help me through the process. 
• Wait for AF & schedule CD 3 ultrasound to check for cysts. 
• IVF consult 11/9 @ 4pm. Hopefully will get IVF calendar & go over all costs. Get a better idea of how it's all going to work during the follicle stimulation, Egg Retrieval, and Egg Transfer. 
• I need to get my IVF questions ready. I have an entire list that was on the SMC forum, very thorough list! Questions I never thought to ask. I just need to funnel through it, edit, and add some of my own. I will post my Q&A list when it's complete. 

Adoption Update: Adoption Time Scheduled

Finally received my adoption time! It's all official, now I can order the invitations! 

I'm so excited and still burst into tears picturing adoption day & that moment that everything becomes "official". 

So hard to believe after this long wait that we are only a few weeks away from our big "Family Day"!!! 

I'm planning our finalization "party". Which is changing from what I originally planned, but that's ok :) I have some "gifts" I want to get for Little Guy, need to plan outfits for all of us, figure out logistics. So much to do, but all good stuff.

I'm done with all paperwork, just need to show up to court. I'm also really glad I decided on NAD, so that more people are able to attend the court hearing. It'll be nice to have friends there, even if it's only for a 10 minute court hearing. Lol. The 10 minutes that mean everything! So exciting! 

IUI Cycle #6: Two Week Wait

Here I am... My last IUI Cycle #6 and my 6th TWW. Let me tell you, the TWW doesn't get easier the more cycles you go through.

• After the IUI, I was bloated again and a bit uncomfortable for the rest of the day. 
• 24 hours after the IUI, all I could think is: "If it is going to happen, it's happening now." The first 24 hours after an IUI is when things should happen. But you still have to wait the full two weeks to figure out if it did. Wish there was some way to know sooner. 
• When I started the Progesterone, had all the same symptoms as previous TWW's, unfortunately! Not that I was expecting something different, but it would've been nice to have less symptoms. Going to sleep at 8pm is not that productive! 
• Being so tired on Progesterone and then having to do feedings at night for my new foster son, Munchkin -- was a bit exhausting! I'm tired. I could sleep for a whole day straight if I had the opportunity! Maybe I'll have the boys go to a babysitter for a day so I can rest. Hmm... 
• Still getting hot flashes. I hate those things...! 
• I always have the most vivid dreams during the TWW. This can be good and bad! They just seem so real. 
• During the second week stretch of the TWW, I was anxiously excited to find out if this cycle works. It's like so much is riding on how this cycle turns out. Either I'm preparing to welcome Baby C in 9 months or I'm preparing for IVF... Which both directions would be uncharted territory. 
• As I get closer to testing if this cycle worked or not... I am a bit nervous. I don't want it not to work... So it's a bit nerve wrecking. Right now, there's nothing I can do. It either worked or it didn't, it's just a matter of waiting and finding out what the next steps are. 
• Started getting AF cramps, so thinking this cycle is a bust. Scared to do a HPT... 

Thoughts On IVF 

I've gone back and forth on whether I REALLY want to start IVF right away. Most of me wants to wait, take a few months off, lose some weight, get back into shape, get re-connected with myself, save some money. However, the truth is that it's a money issue. 

If I do IVF in 2015, then almost everything is covered. This is what it'll look like: 

• I've already met my deductible of $500 
• Insurance will cover 80/20 of costs up to my out of pocket fees of $2000 
• I have about $500 left to reach the out of pocket fees of $2000
• Then, insurance will cover 100%
• Total Cost (not including donor sperm) = $500 

If I wait until 2016, then it'll look like this: 

• Meet Deductible $500 
• Insurance will then cover 80/20 of costs until I meet out of cost fees of $2000. 
• Then, insurance will cover 100% 
• Total Cost (not including donor sperm) = $2500 

That's a huge difference, right? I might as well just jump right in. I have to keep in mind that insurance doesn't cover donor sperm (of course) and doesn't cover genetic testing or any extra things (i.e. assisted hatching). So, if I want those things done - even if I do them in 2015 - these things will be out of pocket. There is a potential for more costs in 2015 if I go that route. 

Anyways, it's been playing with me. I've gone back and forth on -- WAIT till 2016. Then, NO let's do it in 2015. 

Another factor that's playing into my decision on moving forward with IVF is that I'll be on adoption leave for all of December. Which makes it easy to do the Egg Retrieval and Egg Transfer, without having to take time off of work. 

Ugh. Choices, decisions, $$, time. Let's hope that I don't even have to go there and that this cycle #6 worked. Only a few more days until I find out. 

Next Step: Beta Test 10/27/15 @ 8:00 a.m.

Gratitude List: Week of 10/18/15

A few years ago I was trying to focus on "positive" things and started a Gratitude List. I used to keep a hard-journal and would write a few things a day that I was grateful for. I've totally gotten away from that because I haven't kept up hand-writing for a few years now. To be honest, I miss hand-writing! But the truth is, it's very time consuming and I'm so busy lately. With my down time, I'd rather read a book -- or watch a show. I don't watch much TV, just a few hours/week. I do read almost every single day for at least an hour. These are kind of my "escape" from all my hard work for the day and my way of relaxing.

I attended Dave Ramsey's Smart Conference. When I have time, I'm going to be writing a blog entry on my experience. Also, I have a bunch of take-a-ways and things I want to implement/change in my life. I LOVED this event. 

One of the speakers was Dave Ramsey's daughter, Rachel Cruze. I have to admit, I wasn't that familiar with her prior to the conference. I was very impressed with her speaking ability and with the message that she was conveying (which I'll get into more when I write my blog about the Smart Conference). 

One of the things that resonated with me was that she mentioned she kept a "Gratitude List" on her smart phone in her Notes app. For some reason, it never dawned on me to keep my list on my phone... even though when I had another phone I did indeed keep a list of affirmations and gratitude's on there. I don't know why I got away from it! 

When I heard her speak about it, a light bulb went off for me -- I need to do this! Rachel Cruze said she kept a running list of things she was grateful for and she just kept adding to it. She would read through her list every morning and make sure she didn't have any "repeats". Rachel also mentioned that the longer you keep a list, it can be hard to keep adding to it because all the most noticeable stuff is at the top. So, you really had to think about it. 

After the conference, I started my very own Gratitude List on my iPhone in my Notes app. I thought it would be nice to share my list on my Blog, possibly on a weekly basis. Still thinking how it can all work out. I've started with adding 1-3 things a day. 

This week, I am Grateful for: 

• Little Guy 
• Sunday mornings cuddling with Little Guy 
• Baby Munchkin's smiles 
• Sleep (when I can get it!)  
• My House 
• Hearing Little Guy's voice first thing in the morning
• Hearing Little Guy say, "I lul lu" aka I love you :) 
• Working from home 
• Reading books 
• Listening to Audio books 
• 2nd Chances 
• Having the opportunity to improve my life 
• Being a foster parent
• Being a soon-to-be adoptive parent 

What are you grateful for in your life?  

Talking about Adoption with my Toddler

It may sound weird, but I had a little panic attack when I realized that I have NOT spoken to Little Guy about adoption!

I always said that he would always know his story and would know he's adopted from the beginning. I guess with all the uncertainty for so long, with not knowing if I'm going to adopt him, that I just didn't talk to him about adoption (in case it didn't happen that way). He's been with me since he's been born, so it's hard to even think that he's not my birth child. I'm the only mom he's known. So sometimes I just forget that I have to be the one that explains things to him (in age-appropriate ways).

My hopes are that Little Guy embraces being adopted and looks at it like a positive thing. I know there may come a time when he becomes resentful, but I want to try to instill the value of adoption and what it means. I want him to be proud of his story and own it. Which means I have to start talking about it with him.

I was just thinking the other day that he has no clue that this huge, big day, is coming up -- our adoption day...!

I know he's young, not even 2 yet, but he understands things very well. I really want adoption to be part of his story and for him to be comfortable growing up knowing that he's adopted. So, I went on a search for "Toddler-Friendly Adoption Books". I have a bunch that I've requested at the library and will see if any of them are any good, maybe I'll even do a review of them (if it's worthwhile). There are mixed reviews on Goodreads for some of them and some really low review scores. I have a few ready for pickup at the library today, so we'll start "reading" about adoption tonight :)

I've also been thinking about making him his own "Adoption Book". I've always wanted to do this. I can't really finalize it until we have our adoption (so I can include a picture of us at court in the book). So, I've been thinking about that and what it's going to look like. I'm going to include pictures of his birth parents and of our family. Maybe a family tree? Still thinking about it. I want it to be age-appropriate and make it into a board book of sorts. Or perhaps just do pages in Word and print them -- putting them in a binder. That way I can add to it. Having Munchkin come live with us is a good thing, I think it'll be great to try to explain foster care and how some kids may only stay with us for a little bit. Maybe I will include a page with all of his foster "brothers and sisters". So many ideas. I need to start being actionable about these things.

Adoption books are great and all, but his story about being adopted from foster care is very personal. I want him to see his pictures and see how much he was loved by his birth family and by me.

I need to do more searches of blogs to see how adoption was discussed/introduced. This is all new to me too and I want to do it right. Here's to hoping and praying for a smooth start for my Little Guy in understanding adoption.

Declutter Project: The Spare Bedroom, Part 5

It's been awhile since I've posted about my Declutter Project! Probably because I haven't made much progress. Life just got busy and there were a lot of changes in our home: 1) I have a new foster son, Munchkin and 2) A friend has moved in with us temporarily.

Which is interesting since ALL of my "catch all" items from when I started the KonMari process was in my spare room -- that I had to clear out for my friend to move in. 

The Spare Bedroom

The spare room had EVERYTHING in it. The spare room has been a catch all for all things. Kids stuff, my stuff, boxes of stuff, linens, etc. What I found:

• MORE BAGS! 
• More suitcases. 
• More adult clothes. 

I moved everything into there thinking that I would be able to sort through it methodically and also keep it out of the way, so the rest of the house was still functional. Well, with my friend moving in suddenly -- I had to move all this crap out of there AND find another place for it. It all happened so quickly, that there was no way I was going to be able to sort through all the stuff that quickly.

Spare Room - BEFORE

Spare Room - Before 

The worst part of the room was the Closet... It was actually hard to open the closet door since there was so much stuff in it. This was my "catch all" for all things foster care. I had baby stuff, kid blankets, extra pillows, clothes, etc.

The Closet - BEFORE

I tackled the closet first. I ended up giving a lot of the stuff away to friends and also donating to Goodwill. I had so much stuff, there was no way that I was going to need every single thing. Doing this, I got rid of almost everything that was in the closet. 

Which left the boxes and boxes of stuff in the actual bedroom. I needed to move them fast, so I moved them to my loft area AKA my home office (I work from home). 

My Office - now the "catch all" place

Not a permanent solution... But everything is out of the way. It's "orderly" -- as orderly as it can be with having a bunch of boxes everywhere. I had vowed to myself that I would go through a box a day. That hasn't happened, as the adjustment period to adding so many new people to our household was a little more exhausting than I expected. But now that things have gotten more routine, I should have more time to really tackle it. Looking at it, it looks overwhelming! But in reality, most of this stuff will end up recycled, donated, or trashed. There are a bunch of sentimental items that I'll need to go through later on. 

My goal going forward is to go through a box a day. If things get too busy (my adoption is coming up - YAY! and the Holidays), I do have an alternate plan. I'm taking adoption leave for all of December. I'm going to take that time to really tackle this declutter project.  

Wish me luck! 

Stuff given away: 11 bags. 

Donation bags: 16 - kid clothes, baby type items. 

Toastmasters: CC#1 The Ice Breaker

I've been a member of Toastmasters since May 2012. I recently earned my Distinguished Toastmaster award (DTM) in April. I've loved being a member of Toastmasters. I've learned a lot and have grown as a leader, a communicator, and also as a person. It's a wonderful organization to be a part of.

I haven't blogged much about my journey in Toastmasters, although it played a huge role this entire year I've been blogging. I guess I was focused more on foster care, TTC, and on my adoption. But now, I've found that my blog has been encompassing more aspects of my life. Which I think is a good thing! A place I can vent and share.

During my time in Toastmasters, I have served in various leadership roles. Right now, I'm a POTS aka "Plain old Toastmaster". I have no leadership roles right now. I needed a break and I needed to focus on other things. Toastmasters takes a lot of your time when you're volunteering for everything!

I didn't want to give up Toastmasters. I've made many close friends and it's one of those things, "you use it or you lose it." I don't want to lose all I've gained by being in Toastmasters. So, what's the next step? I think I'm done serving in leadership roles for now, as I don't have the time to commit to it right now. I've decided to essentially "start over" from the beginning. Meaning, I'm starting on my Competent Communicator Manual (first 10 speeches).

Last week I joined a new club and I completed my first speech, the Ice Breaker. Speech Objectives:

• To begin speaking before an audience.
• To discover speaking skills you already have and skills that need some attention.
• Time: Four to six minutes

It was strange. I was so nervous. I haven't given a speech since April! That's a long time and I'm a little rusty. My body movements weren't very natural and I've got a few things to work on where speech organization is concerned. That just goes to show you, that you really do lose it if you don't practice.

So, here's to starting this journey "over". I'm actually really excited about it, as I think that I'll gain something more out of this the second go-around. 

I have my next speech scheduled for next week, where I'll be completing CC#2 Organize Your Speech. 

Parenting Two: Night Time Routine Adjustments

The transition to adding so many people to our home in a short period of time, took a little long to acclimate to. Luckily the "good morning routine" has and still continues to go smoothly. It was the "good night" routine that was difficult for all of us: Little Guy, Munchkin, and me.

Most of it was Munchkin adjusting to a new routine and Little Guy getting used to sharing my attention. For me, it was balancing all the night time activities between the two kids with maintaining the house somehow. It was pretty hectic for a few weeks in my house with both kids adjusting.

It took a lot of tweaking and adjustment to get back to a "peaceful" night time routine. But I think I finally have it down (after 3 weeks of making changes).

Normally, my kids would have separate rooms. However, a friend is living with us for a few months and is in the spare room. Therefore, the boys have to share a room - which can be difficult since Little Guy's never shared a room and Munchkin is still a baby. For the first few weeks, Munchkin slept in my room while I worked on getting him to sleep through the night.

This was Little Guys' night time routine before Munchkin. Originally, I tried to keep this same schedule and then just add Munchkin's items within there.

• 4:00 p.m. - Play Time / Floor Time
• 5:00 p.m. - I cook dinner / Little Guy watches a show or sits at table / Late Afternoon Nap
• 5:30 p.m. - Little Guy and I eat dinner / I clean up after I'm done / Baby Wear Munchkin 
• 6:00 p.m. - Bath Time / Bath Time
• 6:15 p.m. - PJ's / Brush Teeth / Story Time / Last Bottle for Munchkin 
• 6:30 p.m. - Cuddle Time, extra play time  / Munchkin bed time 
• 7:00 p.m. - Little Guy in bed 

On paper -- it would fit together just fine. However, Munchkin had different ideas. He would become extremely fussy at about 4:45/5pm every single evening. He was hard to settle and wouldn't take a nap (even though he was tired). He would be fussy all evening until he was in bed. So I knew I needed to make a change. His screaming and fussiness was impacting all of us and our once "peaceful" night routine became extremely stressful! 

I made change after change after change. Finally found a routine that has worked the best: 

• 4:00 p.m. - Bath Time for the boys 
• 4:45 p.m. - start Baby Wearing Munchkin/prep dinner for Little Guy. Note: he didn't like the Moby Wrap or the Onya. So I bought a new carrier, the Tula - which he seems to like. It's also really comfortable for me as well! Sometimes he'll nap in the carrier, sometimes he'll stay awake and fuss a bit. But he does better if I'm holding him. I need the hands-free, so the Tula has worked great. 
• 5:00 p.m. - Dinner for Little Guy. I try to eat at this time as well. If Munchkin is too fussy, I will eat after the kids are put to sleep. I have also changed cleanup time to after the kids are asleep. 
• 5:30 p.m. - Head Upstairs 
• 5:45 p.m. - Last bottle for Munchkin / Little Guy plays 
• 6:00 p.m. - Little Guy brushes teeth / Story time with the boys 
• 6:15 p.m. - Put Munchkin down to sleep / Extra cuddle time with Little Guy. Munchkin will sleep until 2:30 or 4:00, drink a bottle and go back to sleep until 6:15-ish. 
• 6:30/6:45 p.m. - Put Little Guy down to sleep. He's been doing better if he goes down earlier and he'll sleep until about 5:45/6am. 

So far, this has worked the best. It's not fail-safe, of course! But right now it's working well! It's now a "peaceful" time again :)

When Munchkin started sleeping for at least 8 hours at night, I moved him in Little Guy's room. I was surprised that it has gone so well!

First night sharing a room, Little Guy would reach through the crib and pat Munchkin saying, "it's ok". He also would sing to him. Very cute.

Now, since Munchkin is asleep by the time Little Guy goes in the room to sleep - Little Guy goes right to sleep and Munchkin doesn't wake up. I was also concerned that Munchkin would wake up Little Guy at the early AM feeding time. But nope, Little Guy stays asleep and doesn't wake up at all.

Things are finally running smoothly in the Family C household, thank goodness! Took a little longer than I expected, but with all the changes going on in our house - I guess it was not surprising it took us so long to adjust.

I'm really enjoying Munchkin. He's such a happy baby boy. He wakes up happy and is happy most of the day. He does need to be carried a lot, but I'm hoping that as he adjusts to living here that he'll be more comfortable not being held as much. For now, the Tula is my go-to carrier. 

IUI Cycle #6: HCG Trigger + Last IUI

I forgot to add an entry when I did my Trigger Shot! Had my trigger on Sunday @ 10:30 p.m. It wasn't too bad. I stayed up and watching the premier of season 6 for the Walking Dead and then did my trigger. Good excuse to stay up late! Same trigger shot, Pregnyl 10,000 iu. I must be getting so used to doing shots, I didn't even have to read the instructions and the mixing/injection went smoothly. No pain or burn. 

Last IUI - #6 

I had my last IUI this morning. I do feel optimistic about this cycle. However, I'm also planning for IVF if this cycle doesn't work. Even though I'm planning for contingency purposes, I am still feeling extremely hopeful this cycle will lead to a BFP.

Sperm Analysis: 38.7 million Motile Sperm, 43% Motility with a Progressive Motility of 4.

The IUI procedure was the smoothest I've had in all 6 tries. My RE's office has 2 RE's. The RE that is not my *main* RE did my IUI's #1-4. The nurse did my IUI #5. This is the first time my main RE did my IUI. Which is nice because it was the least painful of all of them! The speculum went in really easy - no pain. I didn't even feel the tickle of the catheter going in. He went slower than the other two, wasn't rushed. When he was done he said, "The sperm stayed in the uterus." LOL. Kind of funny. Then he wished me luck.

Hoping Donor #3 is the lucky one and hoping #6 IUI is also very lucky. Here's to hoping the TWW doesn't go by too slowly and that at the end of the two weeks I'll have good news to share. 

Next Steps: 

1. Starting Tomorrow: Progesterone Suppositories 
2. 10/27/15 @ 8:00 a.m.: Beta Test 

IUI Cycle #6: Follicle Stimulation and Mid-Cycle Ultrasound

I have hope that this cycle will be successful. Maybe lucky #6? I remember when I had my first consult with my RE, when I was still deciding between medicated vs unmediated IUI's. In hindsight, I'm glad I opted for medicated from the beginning. With having such a hard time getting pregnant, I would've wasted those cycles. 

At the initial consult, we briefly discussed insurance not covering fertility treatments until 6 failed medicated tries (for >35). He then said that maybe the insurance companies know what they're talking about because he had a patient that got pregnant on her 6th IUI. Strange to think that I'm here on my 6th IUI now. I remember thinking that it wouldn't take me that many cycles to get pregnant... Oh the naivety and optimism I had early on thinking that it would be "easy" to get pregnant. Tsk tsk.  

Hopes for this Cycle 

Here's what I'm hoping for from the mid-cycle ultrasound: 4 mature follicles >17mm and lining >7mm. 

CD 3-7, Clomid 150 mg 

This is my 6th and final cycle of Clomid and my highest dose. I have to say, the hot flashes were more like being overheated. All. The. Time. Oh the joy of Clomid.  I was like a walking inferno. Blah. Clomid is no joke. It was also harder for me to swallow these pills this go around. Not sure why, they just felt dry and would get stuck in the back of my throat. Yuck. I normally don't have a problem with taking pills. Maybe it's a mental thing? 

I was really emotional on the Clomid as well. Quick to cry over any thoughts about the upcoming Adoption of Little Guy :) 

CD 8-10, FSH Injectable Gonal-F 75iu

This is my second cycle on Gonal-F. As it turns out, the pharmacy never told me I had to refrigerate the Gonal-F! So, last cycle I didn't refrigerate it. Ugh. I don't think it made a difference, as far as follicle stimulation goes, as I still had 3 follicles in Cycle 5. But it would've been good to know! This cycle, it's sitting in the refrigerator.

The first injection is always the hardest. I don't know what it is about the 1st injection, but I always hesitate. I let the Gonal-F sit outside the refrigerator for about 20 minutes, so that it wasn't too cold. Then, I mixed and injected. Same burning sensation when the medicine went in and the plunger was hard to push in. Other than the normal "giving myself injection" thing, it went relatively quickly.

Second and third injections went much more quicker and I didn't hesitate as much. 

Mid-Cycle Ultrasound Results

I had my mid-cycle Ultrasound today.

I wasn't that happy with the results of the ultrasound. But at the time of the ultrasound, I still had one final Gonal-F injection and the follicles still have a few days to grow (they grow 1-2 mm a day).

• Right ovary: 16mm, 12mm. The 12 is a "potential" one. If it grows 1-2 mm a day, it can get to maturity and release with the other ones. 
• Left ovary: 16mm, 9mm. The 9 is probably not going to catch up. 
• Uterine Lining: 6.49 mm. Should be >7. The lining should continue to get thicker until IUI day, so nothing to worry about that it's under 7. 

So, even with the increase in the Clomid to 150mg, I still had the same reaction to the meds -- 3 follicles. Which was disappointing. I was hoping for the stimulation to result in a better reaction. But, as I've learned in the process - there's really nothing I can do about it at this juncture. Just have to roll with it and hope for the best. 

IVF Preparation 

It's weird "prepping" for IVF when I'm in the middle of an IUI cycle. But surprisingly, it's a good thing that I am or else I probably would've had to wait until 2016 to do one cycle. We discussed jumping right into IVF if IUI #6 doesn't work. If I get a negative this cycle, this is how it would go down: 

• I need to call on CD#1 and schedule a CD#3 ultrasound. They'll check for cysts and then put me on Birth Control. 
• I'll need to call my insurance and get the approval codes for infertility coverage... 
• IVF Consult to go over procedure / costs / etc. 
• Take meds. 
• Egg retrieval week of Dec 7
• Egg transfer week of Dec 14. 

Let's see how things go down. I'm really hoping #6 is successful and I can cancel all the IVF appointments. I've been really worried about doing IVF. Now... I'm not as nervous. I feel OK about it. I think it's actually better because if #6 doesn't work, I will at least have better % chances of IVF working. Plus, knowing if the egg fertilized would be nice... There's also other options of testing the embryos (PGD testing). Not sure I'm going to do the PGD testing, will have to get costs (I don't think insurance covers that). 

Either way, I'm feeling optimistic about try #6 and I'm feeling content with moving towards IVF if #6 doesn't work. After all is said and done, I'll figure out next steps. Right now this is the game plan.

I also told my RE about my upcoming adoption of Little Guy :) I've spoken about Little Guy before, so he knew that it was possible I could adopt him. I shared the good news about adopting on National Adoption Day. I also told him about Munchkin coming to live with us. It was kind of weird talking to my RE about my kids when I'm trying hard to have one. I wonder if he's thinking, "Why do you want a baby if you already have 2 kids?"

Well, with foster care you never know what's going to happen with the case. Little Guy is my #7 foster child and he's my first adoption. Munchkin is my #9 foster child and it's too early to see how his case is going to go. I've mentioned it before, but I want to give Little Guy a sibling... I've also always wanted to get pregnant and have a birth child - just as much as I've always wanted to be a foster parent and how I've always wanted to adopt :) All are equally important and precious to me.

I'm extremely blessed to be adopting my Little Guy and I feel grateful to have Munchkin with us (for as long as he stays). I would've moved forward with TTC Baby C either way, once I turned 35. I always planned to take this path eventually. I'm glad I'm trying... I don't know if I would've been happy with my life if I haven't at least tried to have Baby C. I have no clue how this will all end... If I'll have a baby at the end of this... or if I won't. But, I'm glad I'm doing all I can do - so that I'll have no regrets at the end of all this. 

Fingers crossed that things work out this cycle. If you have any baby dust to spare, I would appreciate you sending some my way! :) 

Next Steps:

1. Trigger Shot: 10/11/15 @ 10:30 p.m.
2. IUI: 10/13/15 @ 10:30 a.m. 
3. Beta Test: 10/27/15 
4. IVF Consult: 11/9/15 @ 4:00 p.m. 

IVF Options + Healthcare Annual Enrollment

Right now I'm in the process of enrolling for my 2016 healthcare choices. Which is a hard choice! There are some major events happening: my adoption of Little Guy and still TTC Baby C. So my elections will change, depending on how things go with TTC and also adding Little Guy to my insurance post-adoption. Choices:

• Choosing between a PPO vs Consumer Directed Plan
• Determining if my current providers are covered
• % increase for monthly out of pocket fees depending on the insurance provider 
• Potential FSA contributions 

I received clarification on my current health insurance on moving towards IVF (if Cycle 6 doesn't work). If Cycle #6 is unsuccessful, I'll be covered 80/20 on IVF. Thank goodness... Although, I'm still hoping that I don't have to do IVF - it's still a relief to hear that insurance is finally going to kick in. 

I also spoke to the RE's office about getting in a fresh cycle of IVF before 12/31/15, to cover my costs (as I'm close to meeting out-of-pocket fees and it'll cost less). Turns out, the RE's office already chose the weeks of Egg Retrieval (ER) and Transfer. I would be looking at December for IVF: 

• ER: Week of December 7 
• Transfer: Week of December 14. 

It felt weird to already know those would be the dates IF I have to move forward with IVF.

We shall see, I should know more by the end of this month on how things will go. 

Adoption Update: Meeting with Lawyer

It felt like it took forever to get to this point in the adoption process. Although in "reality" the adoption process has gone relatively quickly since parental rights were severed in June. Normally takes about 6 months to adopt after severance has happened. I'll be adopting 5 months after severance. I suppose it's felt long because to even get to the termination of parental rights, it took 18 months due to drawn out court hearings.

But we are finally getting there! It's starting to feel *real*, that I'll get to watch Little Guy grow up. It's such an emotional experience and hard to put my feelings in writing. I will try to write an entry on my feelings around the adoption a bit later. 

I was highly emotional in the morning thinking about finally getting to meet with the adoption lawyer and request NAD for our adoption date. I can blame it on the Clomid, but I think it's really just a relief and feeling of "I can't believe I'm here". I was a blubbering mess waiting to drive to my appointment. 

The Meeting 

I had to bring a few items with me: drivers license, my fingerprint clearance, and a copy of my Adoption Certification. The rest of the documents were provided by the Adoption Case Manager. The meeting went relatively quick. We discussed subsidy in detail: monetary monthly subsidy, medical subsidy, dental subsidy, and mental health subsidy -- and how they all work as either a primary or secondary insurance. The State has a few different plans that Little Guy can be placed with, which I could change if needed. What's interesting to note is that if we relocate to another State, that there are a few states that won't provide health care coverage. Luckily, I'm not planning to move to any of those states!

Action Items: Check with current providers and determine which of the State insurances they accept. Also, need to check if they accept my health care provider as well.

Then we discussed when I would receive his new birth certificate and how to request a new Social Security Number.  There was some discussion about the Adoption Tax Credit, which I guess I'm going to have to learn about when I file taxes.

I signed some paperwork. What's great about adopting from foster care is that there are no legal costs, as the costs are all covered by the State.

Then, we discussed National Adoption Day (NAD)! I signed the paperwork requesting NAD. We walked through the entire day, how things would go down. The actual "ceremony" will only last about 10 minutes. I'll have to be sworn in. We can video record (Yay!). We can get pictures with the judge afterwards. Little Guy will get a goody bag. We'll have a professional photo done. I'll receive the Adoption Decree prior to leaving - making everything LEGAL. We even discussed ways to help distract Little Guy during the ceremony! Let's see how he'll do :)

I should have the actual TIME of the hearing by the end of the month. Which is great, so that I can actually order my adoption invitations (Yay again!).

So, I was a bit emotional during the meeting... but was doing REALLY well at not tearing up and crying like a baby. I almost cried when I got to see his birth certificate. It may sound weird, but I haven't seen it before and to actually see it was nice. I now have a copy for him to have when he's older. The real tear starter was when we were going through how the adoption ceremony was going to go - and she got to the end where the judge says something (can't remember what now) -- and the adoption is finalized. That's when I started crying like a baby! LOL. I've been picturing that moment for so long now and it's so hard to believe that in a little less than 7 weeks -- we'll be there -- in the court room -- and it'll all be OFFICIAL. It's so hard to believe.

The lawyer was talking about when Little Guy starts kindergarten... and I couldn't believe I actually get to be there for all that. Then she started talking about when Little Guy graduates High School and when he turns 18, how all the subsidies work with that. I couldn't believe it - I get to see him grow up. I will be there on his first day of school. I will be there when he graduates High School. I'll get to watch all his milestones. I'll get to watch him become a young man. It's such a surreal feeling, I don't know if it'll ever feel "normal" to not worry about someone taking him from me. I just can't believe how blessed I am to be chosen to be his mama. I love him so much, he just brightens my world.

I also received a copy of the official severance documents. What's scary is that although the findings from our May hearing were to sever rights, the actual signed "judge order" to sever rights wasn't signed until JULY! I didn't know that... I thought it was signed in June. So, technically the birth parents could have appealed the decision all the way into August. I had no idea. If they appealed, I would not have been able to adopt this year, it would have delayed it until sometime in 2016.

Well, it's neither here nor there... but how crazy is that.

Next Steps: Good news - I'm done with paperwork! Woohoo! :) 

• Wait for Adoption Subsidy to get approved
• Meet with Adoption Case Manager to go over last minute items. 
• Show up to court on National Adoption Day where my Little Guy will become my Forever Son!!!!!! 

Now, thinking about: Adoption Finalization Party Planning, What we are going to wear to the adoption, and deciding if I will take adoption leave from work. I can take up to 12 weeks... deciding how much of this time I'll take. 

Choosing Donor #3

Well, when I ordered Donor Sperm last month, I decided to order only 1 vial - to try to save money. As it turns out, Cycle #5 was a bust and I'm not pregnant. So, here I am ordering Donor Sperm again. Initially when I ordered Donor #2 last month, he had a bunch of vials available for purchase (20+). I was sure Donor #2 would be available again if I needed to purchase for Cycle #6. As it turns out, Donor #2 is sold out!!! Very popular it seems.

Luckily I'm not too attached to Donor #2 since Cycle #5 didn't work, so now it's moving onto Donor #3.

Picking Donor #3 was relatively easy. Originally, I thought I would go with my second choice from my search last month. But something just made me not want to choose him. I did so much research on donors last month, that I just reevaluated a few of my top choices and chose one from there.

Easiest donor choice I've made thus far!

One vial has been purchased. If Cycle #6 doesn't work, I'll have to figure out what type of vials to purchase for IVF. As I'm not sure how many vials they'll want and if they prefer ART vials vs. regular IUI vials. But that's a bridge to go over when/if it comes to that.

Will see if I stick with the same donor if I move to IVF... I have my "Top 5" that I'm OK going with. Good medical history, nice interviews, etc.

Lucky (hopefully) Donor #3 vial of baby-making goods should arrive next week.

IUI Cycle #6: Back to the Starting Line... Again. Baseline Ultrasound 6.0 Style

When parking at the RE's office, I had this feeling of dread... Never felt that before during any of my cycles. I even said to myself, "I don't want to do this" and tears filled my eyes. This journey is so much harder than I ever anticipated. I was thinking how easy it would be to just stop, to not move forward with this, how it wouldn't impact anyone really -- just me. <sigh> The momentary thought stayed with me, but I went through with the appointment.

Here we are, my last IUI attempt -- #6... or so I think. I decided to go ahead and get my blood work done, so that if #6 doesn't work, I can get approval from my insurance to move forward with IVF. When I was discussing with the billing expert about possible next steps with IVF, she told me she's going to confirm with my insurance that IVF will get approved. I'm now really worried it won't get approved! I'll find out Monday. She said there might be a loop hole where I may need to do another 6 medicated cycles under the insurance, prior to IVF getting approved. All I could think was WTF. I didn't even think of this as an option. I thought it was a "for sure" thing that coverage would kick in after 6 medicated cycles. She's going to confirm Monday and get back to me. So now I will be stewing all weekend on whether or not IVF is even a possibility. Ugh. If it's not... I'm done trying for now. I can't afford IVF out of pocket and I'm not going to waste more money on IUI's when the percentage of success is so low after 6 tries.

My RE said that last cycle looked great on paper. They're not sure why I'm not getting pregnant. My last few cycles have looked excellent... I have to start really believing it has to be egg quality. Or just bad luck...? Who knows.

Baseline Ultrasound

Here's my starting point for this cycle:

• Right Ovary: 5-6 follicles 
• Left Ovary: 6 follicles 
• Uterine Lining: 4.57 mm

We are sticking with the mini stimulation cycle and just upping my Clomid to 150 mg. RE said he probably wouldn't cancel the cycle if I had a lot of follicles because my past cycles were unsuccessful. Normally, if I had more than 3 - the cycle would get cancelled. My last 3 cycles I've had 3 follicles and have not gotten pregnant. So, if I have more than 3 this round - he said he wouldn't cancel it. 

Medication Protocol:

• Clomid CD 3-7, 150 mg 
• FSH Gonal-F CD 8-10, 75 iu 
• Baby Aspirin 81mg 
• Trigger HCG Pregnyl 10,000 iu 

How do I feel?

I don't really know how I should feel... Frustrated. Nervous. Anxious. Worried. Just to name a few. I really want this cycle to "be it" - as IVF is the next logical step... If insurance truly kicks in that is... So much is in the air, I just hate it. I want to be positive and optimistic... but at the same time, I think it may be time to take a break if Cycle #6 doesn't work...

Next Steps:

1. Purchase Donor Sperm  
2. Clomid for CD 3-7 
3. FSH Gonal-F CD 8-10 
4. Mid-Cycle Ultrasound on 10/9/15 @ 2:15 pm