The Results of IVF #2 (Cycle 8): I'm not Pregnant

I knew this was coming. I tested early and had negative, stark white, tests. I'm not pregnant. Beta test confirmed it today.

Driving to my RE's office was a little bitter sweet. I knew that I was going to have a negative Beta, but I still had to go and confirm. The RE staff greeted me with big smiles and expectations, "This is when you find out, right?!" I said, "Yes, but I already know it's going to come back negative." I was then inundated with positive affirmations to stay positive, that I had the 3 frozen embryos, that I got farther than I did last time, etc. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE my RE's office. They really are so supportive and so very nice. Also, my RE was the one that called me to give me the news of the blood results. That was different from my IUI's where the nurse's call.

But... I was actually OK with the results. I had a few days to process the cycle not working. Strangely, I wasn't too emotional about it. I mean, it's devastating... But at the same time, seeing a positive pregnancy test and having a positive beta test, would seem more "surprising" for me. Getting a negative result is almost BAU (business as usual). When you've been trying to conceive for over a year with no positive results, it becomes almost "expected" to keep getting a negative. Because it feels like it will NEVER work.

IVF was a little different to me. I had to go through a lot in the stim phase, then go through the egg retrieval, then the egg transfer. I have a picture of the little embie blast that was transferred. It's strange how you can fall completely in love with a picture of a little ball of cells. I let myself be hopeful. Which I'm ok with. Going through IVF is not easy, but to continue down this path -- you have to hold onto hope. If there's no hope, there's no reason to keep going doing the IVF journey.

I knew the % chances of it working vs. not working. I was prepared for a negative, although I prayed and hoped and wished that this would "be it." If this cycle would have worked, the expected due date would have been 11/9/16. Yeah, I imagined it. I pictured it. I let myself believe it could be possible. What that life would be like, what it would feel like, how life would be completely different and wonderful at the same time.

But it wasn't meant to be. This little embie blast that was transferred, wasn't meant to be my Baby C.

Now, I have to move forward. I'm grateful that I have 3 embryos on ice and I can move forward with a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I have to wonder though:

• Maybe I should have done PGD testing. 
• Can it be egg quality? 
• Should I do another fresh cycle in hopes of getting more eggs? 

Then there are the fears: 

• That I'll never get pregnant. 
• That I wasn't meant to have a birth child. 
• That I'll have to stop this journey before having a baby. 

I can't let the fears stop me. I have to move forward. There's still hope that one of my little embies on ice will stick and become my little Baby C. 

The hardest part is not getting the negative pregnancy test... it's having tell all my friends that I'm not pregnant.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to be proactive about it and just tell them or let them filter in and ask me when they haven't heard from me. Not sure which one will be worse? So I decided to text those that don't read my blog.

It's so strange. I feel the loss of the "possible future" that could have been with this little blast. I feel sorrow that this little blast wasn't able to become a little human. However, working on my Gratitude List daily has helped me so much through this process, which is one reason I started it. We all have choices to make in life on how we handle things. Normally, I would lean towards sadness/depression. It's so easy to do with such an emotional journey. The things you put your body through for IVF and the investment ($$) you put into it and the time.

I'm going to give myself some time to grieve the loss of this cycle. However, I'm not going to linger on.

I choose to focus on happiness instead, on the good things in my life. I am so blessed in so many ways, it's hard to be bitter about life. I woke up to my son this morning doing a "happy morning dance" with his dancing feet. Then he gave me the sweetest hugs, like he knew I needed them. He hugged my leg and said, "I'm stuck" and squeezed hard. I thank God everyday for my son, a son that I never thought I'd be able to adopt - and now he's my forever son.

There's still the loss, the dream of building my family, of giving my son a sibling, of being pregnant/giving birth, which feels so-so-so far away from happening. But you know what, I choose happiness. I choose to move forward. I trust in God. I trust God's plan for me and my family.

Now, it's time to move forward once again. This time with a FET. Not really sure what that looks like yet, I need to schedule a meeting with my RE to discuss in detail. The timing is looking like April/May. Let's see if one of my frostie blasties will stick.

Next Steps: 

• Schedule RE Consult for FET #1 (Cycle #9) Discussion 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.