FET #1 (Cycle 9): Day before the transfer

I have my Frozen Embryo Transfer tomorrow. I'm planning on transferring one 5-day blastocyst with assisted hatching. I am a little concerned about what's going to happen with thawing it. There's a 95% survival rate at my clinic, so I shouldn't worry too much. When I had to complete the paperwork, I gave them permission to keep thawing if one doesn't survive. Fingers crossed the one they thaw survives for transfer. I don't want to risk my other 2. 

Since my transfer has been confirmed, I've been really focused on this FET cycle. I think it also has to do with the hormones... I'm so out of whack. Hot flashes from PIO, short-tempered, tired. I keep thinking that I wish trying to have a baby wasn't so hard on my mood or my body. All these medications, it can be a bit much at times. Not only is TTC with infertility stressful without the meds, adding the meds into the mixture just puts everything askew. 

I woke up this morning in a panic on the thought of, "What do I do if this FET doesn't work?" Yeah, I know I shouldn't be thinking about it NOT working... but remember this is my NINTH cycle and NONE of them have worked. So yes, I have to think of the possibility (as much as I really HOPE it will work). 

I think I've decided that if this FET doesn't work, that I'm going to do a fresh cycle in June. My insurance coverage will still be covering me with my severance package. I'll probably do a freeze-all and test the embryos (if I have more than 5). I hope I don't actually have to move forward with yet another IVF fresh cycle and my little baby embryo will stick. But... I think it'll be my best option in that scenario. 

<sigh> I wish I could be super excited about this transfer. I am and I'm not. 

Before the transfer there's all this hope and excitement for it to work. After the transfer, there's a "glowing" feeling from having an actual embryo back home. Then, I feel like it's a countdown to another BFN... The dreaded TWW is no joke. Not having any luck in my last 8 cycles... I just wish I had more positive thoughts that "This will work!" 

The embryologist called this morning to confirm my transfer times for tomorrow. She actually said she was surprised the first embryo didn't take. She also said that I have good embryos and she hopes that this next one will work. She's so sweet and nice. She also let me know that she'll call me if my embryo doesn't survive the thaw, so I'm not worried all day. If I don't hear back from her = good news, it survived the thaw. If I hear back from her = bad news, embryo didn't survive the thaw. 

I'm thinking if this cycle doesn't work and with my embryos being good quality. That maybe I should have testing done to see if maybe my uterus prevents implantation for some reason. Another bridge to cross if I get there... So much to think about and consider... 

I'm really hoping #9 is the one and that my little 5-day blast will attach and grow. It would be so absolutely wonderful to have my world changed in 9 months. 

Praying, hoping, and wishing for my embryo to thaw successfully, for a smooth transfer, and to get good news after the TWW.