To date, this was probably the most bitter I've been during the TWW. So-so-so bitter. A little bit angry as well. I just can't believe I'm still here, still trying, and nothing has worked. IUI's didn't work and now IVF isn't working. Will I ever have a baby? Very frustrated. Very sad. Thoughts swirling in my mind on: when do I call it quits?
Early Testing:
I decided to test early and often this cycle. It fulfills the POAS-a-holic in me. No HCG trigger with a FET means no false positive, which is nice. I used two different tests:
1) Clincial Guard (CG). This is an Internet cheapie, similar to Wondfo. I wasn't happy with Wondfo when I used them for my IUI's. So decided to try a new brand. Clinical Gaurd has a sensitivity of 25 miu. They worked pretty good.
2) First Response Early Results (FRER). These are supposedly more sensitive. I haven't used a FRER for awhile since I kept getting negatives. Supposedly these are the most sensitive tests on the market reading as low as 6.5 miu.
How my testing went:
4dpt - HPT CG: Negative. I knew it was early to test, but couldn't help myself. I was so good about waiting to test on IVF #2, that I just needed to test more this FET. This is when I decided to order FRER tests, since it detects lower HCG levels.
5dpt - HPT CG: Negative. Might still be early to test... But starting to really have doubts it worked.
6dpt - HPT CG: Negative. Real doubts of another negative cycle are becoming a reality. Starting to consider next steps if this FET doesn't work.
8dpt - Decided not to test. What's the point?
9dpt - Woke up at 2am and decided to test on the FRER as a long shot. What did I see? The faintest of faintest lines. I almost didn't see it and was about to go back to sleep with my sleepy eyes. You can barely see it in the picture, but IRL it's a little more visible.
For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.
4dpt - HPT CG: Negative. I knew it was early to test, but couldn't help myself. I was so good about waiting to test on IVF #2, that I just needed to test more this FET. This is when I decided to order FRER tests, since it detects lower HCG levels.
5dpt - HPT CG: Negative. Might still be early to test... But starting to really have doubts it worked.
6dpt - HPT CG: Negative. Real doubts of another negative cycle are becoming a reality. Starting to consider next steps if this FET doesn't work.
7dpt - HPT FRER: Negative. In my mind, the cycle is over & it didn't work. It was the whitest test EVER. Suckiest part - I still have to take ALL my meds including the *f-ing PIO. Boo!
8dpt - Decided not to test. What's the point?
9dpt - Woke up at 2am and decided to test on the FRER as a long shot. What did I see? The faintest of faintest lines. I almost didn't see it and was about to go back to sleep with my sleepy eyes. You can barely see it in the picture, but IRL it's a little more visible.
I haven't had a positive on a test since IUI #1 where I had a false positive (probably from my trigger shot). So, I decided to test on the CG and get a Negative. This had me wondering:
Beta Results: Big Fat Negative.
- The FRER was defective.
- Maybe my HCG is really low, must be under 25 miu if the CG couldn't pick up a positive. FRERs are more sensitive.
- It also gave me a little bit of HOPE that maybe - just maybe - this cycle worked. Which is horrible, because it didn't... and I had to wait all day for the Beta test to confirm.
Beta Results: Big Fat Negative.
Yet another BFN........
I'm thinking I am totally adverse to early testing now. A line on a FRER is normally golden, no matter how faint it is. I was already accepting this cycle didn't work and that damn FRER had me thinking maybe it worked. Ugh.
I'm thinking I am totally adverse to early testing now. A line on a FRER is normally golden, no matter how faint it is. I was already accepting this cycle didn't work and that damn FRER had me thinking maybe it worked. Ugh.
I don't have many words right now. I have to say, I wasn't shocked it didn't work. I didn't cry (yet). I am just angry. I'm so upset that I keep putting my body through all of this & the result is always the same. It's almost like it's pointless to keep going... But it can't be right? There still has to be hope somewhere? Ugh. I'll post a more thorough depressing entry later after I'm able to process through my feelings better. Right now, I'm just mad and upset and frustrated.
The good about the cycle not working:
The good about the cycle not working:
- I get to stop those horrible PIO shots.
- I get to stop the yucky Vaginal Estrace (blue-green discharge is gross!).
- I get to drink coffee again. Haven't had coffee in forever...!!! First cup will be in the morning and I can't wait!
Got to look on the bright side of things, right?
My WTF Consult for FET #1 is next Wednesday, May 4th. It sounds like my RE wants me to wait a little bit to try again, let my body get back to normal and sort out my emotions. Need to think about next steps. Just not right this second. Instead, I'm thinking about that cup of coffee I'll have in the morning that I'll savor with homemade pancakes, sausage, and eggs.
For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.
No comments:
Post a Comment