100 More Days!

100 more days until "40 weeks." I've been watching the days tick by on the BabyBump app since I first got my positive pregnancy test. I'll be "officially" hitting double digits tomorrow on the countdown. 

I know technically I am already at less than 100 days, but it's kind of exciting to finally see the tracker's numbers get lower. 

If you've been reading along my blog, you know that I've been struggling throughout my pregnancy with so many things that were out of my control. Due to this, I've been struggling with anxiety and antenatal depression. It's not really how I imagined pregnancy to be like and not how people expect you to feel like when pregnant. But I've struggled nonetheless. 

With so many struggles throughout the pregnancy, it was so hard to let myself imagine this beautiful "beginning" to the end of my pregnancy because I was just focused on staying pregnant and ensuring my baby boy was healthy. 

The last few days I've started to allow myself a "glimpse" of that wished for happiness... it's starting to look like things may end up OK at the end of all this. Which also is a little bit scary to think about because I feel like I'm letting my guard down in a way - this protective barrier that I've encased myself in "just in case" the worse were to happen. 

In any case, I've started to let myself think of these wonderful firsts: 

Hearing my baby boy cry for the first time. 

Seeing him for the first time. 

Holding him for the first time. 

When my boys meet for the first time. 

Bringing my baby boy home for the first time. 

Learning to breastfeed for the first time. 

Having both of my boys home for the first time. 

The whole reason I started my TTC journey was to get to that point - to add to my family, celebrate and welcome this wonderful new life.  

It's starting to feel so very close to becoming a reality that sometimes the joy feels so overwhelming and I ask myself, "Is this really happening?" 

My pregnancy has not been what I hoped or imagined it would be like. But all of that doesn't matter as long as at the end of all this -- my baby boy is healthy - safe - loved - cared for - and happy. 

Less than 100 days to go.......!