IUI Cycle #3: Back on the Bandwagon, CD1 has Arrived

It was an interesting time taking a month off of TTC. It gave me a good opportunity to really think about what I'm doing, how I feel about things, and how I can be more relaxed throughout this process. It's also been wonderful being "myself" and off any fertility medication!

Waiting for CD1

All that "thinking" for the month off and I thought that I would be able to "Relax" -- relax?! Who was I kidding?! I started stressing out about this cycle and the "timing" right away.

First, AF was late. Of course, when I don't want her to come - she comes. When I want her to come, she takes her time. Ugh. I got used to being on a regular 28 cycle while I was on fertility meds. It was like clock work. The month off, AF decides to take a detour and go back to her normal irregular self. CD #1 finally arrived today, after a 33 day cycle. I had a few days of spotting. I was so worried, that I scheduled my CD3 ultrasound when I started spotting - thinking I would get AF the next day. That didn't happen, so I had to reschedule it to later... It's now on July 1st.

Anther Short Trip

I'm starting to feel that "stress" with the timing again...! I don't think I've ever willed AF to come so hard before.  I have one last weekend trip in July & I may have to move things around if the IUI timing falls in there somewhere. Which I'm sure it will. I'm having so much anxiety over it that I actually considered skipping July... I would hate to waste the money on a cycle and then have my travel cause a hitch in things.

IUI Timing

The other thing that worries me is the "timing" because my last IUI was on CD13. CD13 for this cycle falls on a Saturday... which means I'd have to do CD12 or CD15. I think with the new medication protocol, CD15 may be too late and CD12 might be too early? I'm assuming the extra injectable will push things and I'll ovulate earlier than the other 2 cycles.

Relax? Yeah right! 

It's so weird how I can go from being completed relaxed to being completed over worried about Cycle #3 in an instant. It's mostly due to that "perfect timing" that's needed with the IUI. Everything has to be so completely perfect and I hate the stressors of: another trip and the RE's office closed on the weekends.

<sigh>

Ok, I have a few more days to really start just letting all this worry and anxiety go and trust that things will happen as they should. I need to get my Zen back. But hey, AF is here - I'm hormonal! :)

Receiving the Placement Call for Little Guy

With our adoption moving along smoothly, I wanted to share the story of when Little Guy was first placed with me in foster care. 

2013 was the year that I received the most foster placements: 4. Little Guy was #4 for that year. When I went back on the foster care placement list in December, my criteria was: 

• One child
• Any race 
• Male or Female
• Age: 0-3 months old

It's interesting how placements of foster kids work, it mostly goes by the city you live in. They like to place the kids in or around the city they were displaced from, because it makes visitations with birth parents easier/closer. It can sometimes take awhile to get placed with a Newborn from foster care, (unless that newborn comes with a sibling) because a lot of foster families want Newborns. Also, some Case Managers do not like placing Newborns with single parents. I was expecting to wait a few weeks before I received a placement because of my limited placement criteria and because I'm single. 

After going back on the list, Little Guy was my second placement call. The call came on a Monday at about 11:00am. This is the information I received: 

• Male
• White 
• 4 days old
• Which hospital he was at 
• Reason he was put into care 

I said "Yes," I would be willing to take him. Since I had experience with similar cases, the placement coordinator, from my foster care agency, vouched for me with CPS saying that I was a "good fit" for him. A few minutes later, I received the confirmation call from CPS. So, not being in the direct geographic area and being single - I still got chosen as his foster home. 

At this time, I wasn't sure if I was *really* going to get him. I've had situations where CPS makes the confirmation call, but then no child ever shows up (normally because they found a relative & forget to inform the foster parent). It was getting pretty late in the day and I still hadn't heard from the Case Manager (CM) on how pickup or drop off was going to work.

FINALLY around 2pm, I received a call from the CM. It was decided that the CM would be dropping off Little Guy to my house, as they didn't want me going to the hospital to pick him up. 

At around 6PM, he finally arrived. He was screaming his head off! The CM seemed overwhelmed and said he screamed the entire way from the hospital. I took him out of the car seat and rocked him, he quickly stopped crying :) 

Originally, the CM told me that Little Guy was most likely "short term" - that there was a relative that would possibly take him within a few days. That didn't end up happening and Little Guy ended up staying with me.  

Considering how random the foster placement system works, I feel so fortunate to have been chosen to be Little Guy's foster mom and soon-to-be adoptive mom. Life works in mysterious ways and I'll forever be grateful that our paths intersected. I feel like I was meant to be his mom! Now, just to get through the adoption process...! 

And that's how Little Guy came to live with me and how the process all began that is now leading to my first adoption.  

Adoption Update: Paperwork & Meetings Galore!

Finally making huge headway into finalizing Little Guy's Adoption!

Meeting with my Agency

Had a home visit with my licensing worker (LW) this week. She will be completing my Adoption Home Study & submitting the request for me to be Certified to Adopt, ONCE she receives the request from CPS (which hasn't happened yet). My LW said she's already mostly done with things, just can't complete it all until this referral comes through.

I have a lot of paperwork that needs to be completed. My LW thinks that I can probably get an adoption date in September -- SEPTEMBER! I'm very hopeful. I think I've already come to the acceptance that it may be as late as November. National Adoption Day would be fun, but the timing is a little inconvenient. So, now I'm hoping that things move along steadily for a September Adoption :)

Paperwork to complete:

1. Application for Certification to Adopt 
2. Adoptive Families Central Registry Records Clearance 
3. Health Information and Medical Examination of Child 
4. Criminal History Self Disclosure Affidavit 
5. Family Information for Input into the Central Adoption Registry 

1st Meeting with Adoptions Case Manager at CPS 

I had my first meeting with the Adoptions Case Manager (CM). YAY! Although, I have to admit - I wasn't that impressed with our CM. I don't know what it was, but it was just a strange meeting. I have a whole packet of paperwork to complete. She basically handed it over and doesn't seem like she's going to help me with it much! She's not optimistic about a September adoption date, she's thinking more like October/November. Boo. She still hasn't completed the referral to my agency to request my Adoption Home Study. She says she's going to do, but she said that after our conversation on Wednesday - so who knows how long it'll take her. That's going to be the major delay.

Paperwork to complete:

1. Adoption Subsidy Checklist 
2. Adoptive Family Subsidy Application 
3. Adoption Subsidy Rate Evaluation 
4. Adoptive Placement Agreement 
5. Child Certification Documentation Attachment (to be completed by each specialists/doctor)

I also received a list of lawyers that I could use for the adoption. I've already chosen my lawyer. 

Next Steps:

1. Complete Agency paperwork, get notarized, and mail back. 
2. Complete CPS paperwork, provide at next meeting in July. 
3. Go to each medical professional to complete subsidy paperwork (need to schedule appointments) 
4. Keep following up to make sure CM has submitted request to my LW. 

Very excited to be moving along. I really am hoping for a September adoption date. There's a lot running in my mind about the adoption: the name change, the adoption Life Book, the adoption date, if I want to take adoption leave from work, and planning an adoption party! 

Things I still need to do: set-up a PO Box and email for communication with the birth parents. This is on my To-Do list for next week. I'm really starting to think about what that looks like... communication and contact with the birth family. Also, what types of questions do I want to ask them? I have to really start thinking about these things. I really want to ask them to send me pictures of them with Little Guy. Maybe there's some maternity pictures? That would be nice. Will have to sit down and really think this part through. 

Taking one step at a time, but we're moving forward! 

Adoption Update: Officially moved to the Adoptions Unit!

Finally received the call from the NEW Case Manager (CM) in the Adoptions Unit!!! We have officially moved into Adoptions! Woohoo!!!

Time since TPR: 3.5 weeks

Nice for it to happen on my 4 Year Foster Parent anniversary :)

Next Steps:

1. CM is coming out for a home visit on Friday. Going over paperwork and discussing the Adoptions process. 
2. CM is going to submit the request for an Adoptions Home Study to my agency. Once my agency receives this, it'll take about 3 weeks to be certified. 
3. Once I'm Certified to Adopt, then I can get a lawyer. Then: Paperwork, filing, and get an adoption date! 
4. Adoption! Still looking like an October or November adoption date, the way the paperwork and filing process works. Thinking I want to do National Adoption Day in November... if it goes that late. 

So excited to be moving forward!!!! 

I've been thinking about making an Adoption Life Book for Little Guy and am running into a wall! I've had him since he came home from the hospital, so most of his story has already been told in his Foster Care Life Books (which I'm behind on, but have a few books already completed). So, just thinking about that already to keep my mind occupied :) 

Just can't wait to finally call him my Forever Son and for him to have my last name. Getting closer! 

4 Years as a Single Foster Parent

Today is my 4 year anniversary of becoming a parent. A single foster parent. At the time, I didn't know any other single foster parents or other foster parents in general. I also had no clue what to expect when I received my first placement.

First Foster Kids 

I still remember receiving the call for a 2 day old baby girl and her 4 year old sister. I had absolutely NO baby items! My age range was from 0-10 at the time and had no clue what age I would be receiving, so didn't accumulate many items. I was mostly prepared for a school-aged kid, as they told me the odds of getting a Newborn were slim.

I said "yes" to the placement inquiry. That decision, that "YES", changed my life. I received a call back right away from CPS and they said that they would be at my house in an hour. I called a friend to ask what I needed for a newborn and ran to Target to buy baby items! Bought a Pack-N-Play and a travel system with car seat. That's all I had for this new baby girl. Then drove home to wait for them to arrive.

I still remember the moment they placed the 2 day old in my arms. I still remember how the 4 year old was extremely talkative and all over the place! I still remember how the CPS worker looked at me with sympathy and said, "Good luck." I didn't know what she meant at the time... but now I know! She knew I was a first time foster parent and she knew my 4 year old would be handful. You see, I was originally worried about the newborn -- not the 4 year old! I was WRONG! I really should've worried about the 4 year old.

I will never forget the day the girls arrived because it's the first day I became an "instant mother!" And what a rollercoaster that first year was... I thought MAPP class would prepare me, but it didn't. Parenting traumatized children is completely different than parenting birth children. My 4 year old was extremely difficult. She would later be diagnosed with ADHD prior to her leaving my home. I had fought to try to get a diagnosis or at least get evaluated, since the first month she was with me. But it took them 10 months to finally get it done. If I knew her ADHD diagnosis in the beginning, I could have customized my parenting better.

I lost friends over fostering. A lot of people have their "opinions" over how to parent children and think that foster kids just need "love" and "affection" to make everything OK. But the thing is, they don't really understand the challenges, the behaviors, the reality, etc. No explaining, no explanations, can really make another person "get it" if they're opinions are set in stone.

It took me a long time to finally understand and come to peace that some people will just not understand and will never "get it". I'm grateful that I have a wonderful support system in other foster parents, other single foster parents (especially), and friends (that have never fostered) who are 100% supportive.

The Girls Leaving 

I still remember when my first foster girls left... I dropped them off at daycare, CPS Case Manager emailed and told me she was picking them up for an overnight visit that day, then the next day she told me that they were reunified and would not be coming back. I never got to say Goodbye... I was devastated. They didn't even get to bring their stuff with them.

There's a lot of other craziness that went on with their case. We had a horrible Case Manager who made horrible choices and was just plain mean.

I remember crying for a week straight from missing the girls. From not being able to say goodbye. From not being able to send their belongings with them. For not being able to complete their Life Books. From having no closure. It still hurts thinking about it today... I couldn't even go into their rooms, it was just too hard. At the time, I had just finished a load of their laundry. Taking the load out of the dryer was heartbreaking. I had them for a year... and I couldn't even give them a kiss and hug goodbye.

It took me a year to fully grieve the loss of the girls.

The hardest part besides not saying goodbye is never getting updates or knowing if they're OK.

After this experience, I almost stopped fostering. I didn't know if I could do it. I didn't know it would hurt that much. I didn't know that CPS can walk all over foster parents and treat them so badly. All things I didn't know because I was new. I was hopeful. I was optimistic.

Even with this horrible experience, I trudged on and refused to let this one experience stop me from my dream of helping other children.

My Other Foster Kids

I continued to foster and I had more difficult placements. But at least I knew the ropes at this point. I knew how to navigate CPS, how to advocate for services, how to fight for my kid's more effectively, how to use different parenting techniques and customize to each child. I had more difficult placements. I had more heartbreak. I had my "burn out" times. Maybe one day I'll have the time to write about all of them. Like, my "Little Hero" - my 4 month old that was medically fragile - who just won me over so completely and who I miss dearly.

It hasn't been an easy journey, but it's all led me to this point -- adopting my Little Guy! If just one thing was changed, I probably wouldn't have even met him, let alone be his soon-to-be Forever Mommy. For that, I wouldn't change a thing because it's gotten me here. I feel like I was meant to be his Mommy. The thought of being able to watch him grow up fills me with so much joy and love, I can't even express how wonderful it feels in my heart. It's still hard for me to believe that it's real. Maybe once the adoption decree is signed by the Judge, that it'll feel real.

Closing My License 

Little Miss should be leaving soon...Little Guy should be adopted by year end... and *hopefully* I'll be successful at TTC.

So, after Little Miss leaves -- I will be on another "Break" from fostering more children. Let's see if I can hold out for long... it's hard knowing there are kids out there that need foster homes and knowing I have room in my home. But I have to do what is best for my family.

I've decided that I'm going to either close my license for good or put it on permanent hold. I will not be taking a new foster placement until my TTC journey has some resolution to it. I want to focus on building my Forever Family C with Little Guy.

What a crazy 4 years it has been being a single foster mom! I'm looking forward to being a Forever Mom and maybe even a birth mother :) Doing it Single Style.

A Rough Week with Little Miss & Update

After returning from the Road Trip, Little Miss's behavior did not subside by much. It was a tough-tough week with many tantrums, outbursts, etc.

It's been tough on me and on Little Guy... I don't like how it's impacting him. Every time she starts on one of her episodes, Little Guy will tell her "No-No" and "Stop It". I don't want him to be around that type of behavior for a few reasons: I don't want him to get used to violence / screaming and I don't want him to pick up on any of that bad behavior.

Out of all my foster children, I think Little Miss has been the most difficult. When she is having one of her rages, there's no calming her down - there's no negotiating - there's no way out of it - there's no redirection method that works. Her episodes last for an hour at a time. An hour - no joke, I'm not exaggerating. Once the hour is up, she usually will come around.

It's exhausting.

Tantrums like this just make the household feel like a war zone, there's no peacefulness. It doesn't matter where you are in the house, her screams are so loud and ear piercing, there's no where you can escape the sound. I wish I was exaggerating... one of my neighbors heard her across the street and texted me asking me about it. <sigh>

I put her in respite over the weekend and it was a much needed break for both Little Guy and me. She had a visit with her birth family on Sunday and came back with a full-on tantrum. The Parent Aide (who supervises the visits) dropped her off and left as quickly as she could! Like, thanks.

Had a visit from the Case Manager last night. They are not sure when the CPC (Change of Physical Custody) will be signed. This is required to be signed prior to them moving her. Originally I was told she would leave the week of 6/29... now, it's looking like longer than that. Maybe 2-3 more weeks, possibly? Case Manager said she would try to push it through.

I don't think I can keep her for that much longer, but don't want to disrupt so close to the CPC...  I just don't think I can handle the tantrums and all the household disruptions anymore. Which is extremely hard to admit... I'm just so tired of it and my patience is wire thin. I am looking into options for "respite" for long periods of time. The Case Manager agreed with it and was OK with that. It's better than a disruption to another foster home that would only last a few weeks.

Will see how it goes, have a meeting with my agency this week and am going to talk through it. In the mean time, Little Miss will be in respite a few times this week and then again over the weekend.

I finished Little Miss's Life Book over the weekend and getting it printed, should arrive this week. The Life Book turned out pretty good and highlights the time that she has lived with me.

Making Progress: Toddler Bed Transition, the First Week

It was a rough week with Little Guy transitioning to a toddler bed. I didn't have any expectations of how it would work since it was so impromptu on transitioning him! I do wish I had more time to research things prior to the switch though. Although I've fostered a variety of ages and children, I've never gone through the "toddler bed transition" or the "potty training" portion of parenting! Potty training will be its own adventure for sure.

I'm glad I transitioned him when I did because now he's climbing on everything and anything! Need to keep an eye on him, he's sneaky. I know when I can't hear him, he's up to something.

Here's how it went down:

2nd Night: The second night was more challenging! It took 2 hours of going in and out of Little Guy's room. He woke up in the middle of the night and came into my room, I put him back when he fell asleep. My bad, I wasn't consistent - I was tired! I actually thought it was close to wake-up time, thought it was 4am, but it was actually closer to 1am! 

Time: 2 hours 

Up-At-Night: 1x  

3rd Night: Decided to use a few different techniques. When it was bedtime, I turned on his little lamp (very soft glow) and used the door monkey lock for the door, so he couldn't just open it and wonder out.  He would keep screaming "the light! the light!" and "ni-ni! ni-ni!." Then he cleaned up his toys! I thought that was cute. We normally sing the clean up song before bedtime, but I left the toys out, so he could play with them if he wanted to. I had to go into his room a few times to help calm him down. He finally went to his bed after an hour, and went to sleep. He was up 4 times during the night, but shorter periods of time and I didn't have to go in his room at all because he went back to bed by himself.

Time: 1 hour

Up-At-Night: 4x's 

4th Night: Used same technique as the night before. Added it to our nightly routine: bath time, put PJ's on, brush teeth, story time, lights off. NEW and do together: Close door, close blinds, turn on lamp. Then: sing song, hugs/kisses, ni-ni.

Afterwards, I left the room. Little Guy started screaming again, BUT he stopped screaming after 5 minutes! 5 minutes! Yay! After the 5 minutes, he went to bed, talked to himself for 30 minutes and fell asleep! In his crib, he used to do that. I didn't have to go back in once. Then, he woke up at 4:30am and brought toys in bed with him and played. This is really good progress! Hopefully this will be the turning point to be fully transitioned!

Time: 5 minutes!!! WOOHOO! 

Up-At-Night: ZERO 

5th Night: Little Guy only fussed for a minute before grabbing his toy car and bringing it to his bed. He played with his toy car for 30 minutes and fell asleep hugging it. He loves his cars :) 

Time: 1 minute 

Up-At-Night:  ZERO

6th Night: Now we're onto the weekend and trying to nap-time is tough! He ended up sleeping really well in the afternoon, which was nice. But took him a long time to get settled.

That night, there was a little regression, had to go back in 1x before he settled down. But I guess it's not always going to be perfect every night. He played for awhile. His truck is now a permanent fixture in his bed! He's been practicing talking and making 2-letter sentences when he's in bed: "The light." "Dog barking."

Time: 20 minutes 

Up-At-Night: ZERO

7th Night: Nap time was a struggle again today. He was tired, but just kept trying to get into things. With his new climbing skills, it's not fun! Luckily there's not much for him to climb in his room, but there's still the danger of the dresser! 

At night, things were "back on track" with him going to sleep. Probably because he had such a short nap! He only complained for a minute, then played with his toys for 30 - then went to sleep. It'll be nice when I can leave the room without him screaming for me :(  I know he's not really "screaming" he's just trying to get me to come back in the room -- but still, I'm tempted to go back in every single time! I haven't though, which is good. It's just hard. 

Time: 1 minute. 

Up-At-Night: ZERO! 

Overall, I would say the transition is still a work-in-progress! He's done extremely well adjusting, but it's going to take more time for him to feel secure in the toddler bed. I bought him a toddler pillow and some "cars" sheets. I'm going to introduce them to him next week and hope that makes going to bed more fun for him.

Next Steps: I think it'll be good when he doesn't feel he needs to whine/scream when I leave the room. That's going to be the next milestone! I don't mind him talking and playing with his toys - he did that previously in his crib. I think I might try to find him a plush car though. He has this hard lego truck he's keeping in his bed, he cuddles with it sometimes!

Also, since he has all this freedom - he's been waking up REALLY early, getting less sleep. I'm hoping that he is able to get back to sleeping his normal 11-12 hours at night. Right now he's doing 10 hours, which is good for his age! But he does better with 11-12 hours sleep / night. Plus, he's waking up so early - I don't have time to get up myself and get ready!!! I'm normally up and ready before he gets up. But with him waking up at 4:30/5am, that makes it a little more difficult. I've been trying to be "quiet" when I'm up so he doesn't hear me! The joys of Toddler-hood.

I have to say though, that I'm really enjoying this age! He's so much fun and his little personality is so precious :) 

Road Trip Last Thoughts

I really enjoyed going to Disneyland and Disney California Adventure! It's been a long time since I've really gone to the parks to explore. I grew up in Southern California and used to go to the parks all the time. I think it's been at least 5 years since I've went to the parks for more than just a few hours at a time. It was really fun going and seeing things from my adult eyes and seeing Little Guy experience it for the first time.

I had a good time seeing my God Daughter and being there for her graduation.

Packing: I didn't over pack! I packed just about enough clothes. I did bring a little bit too much snack items though. 

Driving: The drives went well! The TV's worked out perfectly. The kids had enough distractions to keep them occupied. We didn't have to stop more than I wanted to. 

The Parks: I think we got to see and explore the parks enough. Although, another day at Disneyland would have been nice (but may be too tiring). 

The Beach: The beach was nice and relaxing! This was a good thing to do with small kids. 

Character Breakfast: Glad we did the Character breakfast! But won't be doing PCH Grill again.

Hotel: The hotel was in the perfect spot. I loved the location and the walking distance to the parks. The extra $$ was worth it, IMHO. Especially when you have little kids. If I didn't have little kids,  I probably would've opted to take the shuttle at a hotel further away. But with kids, the convenience and the ease of going back to the hotel for nap time - was totally worth it.  

Toddlers: Little Guy is a great traveler! He adjusts really well and didn't have any meltdowns (that weren't age-appropriate). He loves to explore and preferred to walk and go where he wanted to go (which caused some issues when he had to ride in the stroller). 

Little Miss... this trip was too much for her. No matter what precautions were taken, it didn't help subside her complete and utter meltdowns. 

As a foster parent, I can see that she was over stimulated. But also as a foster parent, I travel a lot... and I've always included my foster kids in my travels. I've never had a foster child react like this before. Yes, there were breakdowns by other kids, but not to this extreme. It was overwhelming and frustrating. 

They tell you in MAPP training to not judge the behaviors, to think about what has led to the behaviors. Yes, I know - she was over stimulated. Should I have left her at home in respite? After leaving her in respite for a week while we were in Hawaii (I booked that trip prior to Little Miss moving in with me)? It's a hard thing being a foster parent sometimes and dealing with these extreme behaviors... especially when you're on vacation and spending a lot of money! I wanted to include her, do something nice for her before she left... 

Hindsight is 20/20. I should have just left her in respite. But there's no way for me to have predicted the extremity of her meltdowns. It was so bad, I've never seen her like this for the time that she's lived with me. I'm going to put her in respite this weekend, because I seriously need a break from her right now. It was so exhausting. After she leaves, I'm not going to be taking any more foster kiddos -- I need a break! 

Overall, it was a good and fun trip. Lots going on, but I think the pre-work helped with some of the potential pit-falls of going to a theme park.

Sweet Part of the Trip: Seeing Little Guy enjoy himself and have fun. 

Sour Part of the Trip: Little Miss's Tantrum Parties.

Transitioning to a Toddler Bed

It was finally time... time to transition my Little Guy from the crib to a "toddler bed"! He's been trying to climb out of his crib for awhile now. He's been unsuccessful. Then, last week he managed to climb out of his crib at daycare! We went on vacation and he kept climbing out of the pack-n-play. When we got back, he tried climbing out of his crib!! I caught him before he fell, he was balancing on his tummy halfway in the crib and halfway out.

That's when I decided: Time to Transition! 

I had no intentions of transitioning Little Guy to a toddler bed until he was 2 or 2 1/2. I'm bummed it's so early - he's only 18 months! But it's better to be safe than have him climb out and hurt himself. 

The crib I have converts to a toddler bed. I didn't think I had all the parts, but I was able to find them all and convert it. 

When bed time comes, I introduce Little Guy to new "bed". Little Guy is excited he can climb in and out of bed. We do our normal bed time routine and time for "ni-ni". Little Guy thinks it's funny he can get out. When I leave the room, he starts to scream and follows me. I decide to stay in the room by his bed. Every time he tries to get out, I say "no" and put him back. 

Soon, every time I say "no" he goes back by himself. So, I start moving away from his bed - getting closer to the door. He's getting good at going back in bed by himself when I say "no". So I move outside the bedroom door (where he can still see me). This freaks him out and he screams and chases me. I bring him back to bed and go back by the door. He finally stays in bed when I say "no". 

Then, I start closing the door a little at a time. He's still staying in bed and crying - but he's not getting out. 

Finally, the door is only a crack wide! He stays in bed and finally falls asleep! I close the door all the way. 

Total Time: 1 hour. 

The true test: Did he stay in bed all night?

Little Guy actually did pretty well!!! He fell out of bed once and fell asleep on the floor. I went in and put him back in bed. Then, he woke up at 2:30am and wondered out crying. I brought him back to bed, took about 15-20 minutes to get him settled back to bed. Then he woke up at 5:30 and came into my room, but he made sure to grab his "dog" plush toy beforehand :)

Let's see how tonight goes! 

A month off of TTC + IUI Cycle #3 Game Plan

A Month Off 

For the last few months it felt like forever just to get started with Cycle #1. The pre-tests, the pre-consultations, the surgery, buying sperm.  I prepared myself to just TRY. There are no guarantees it'll work. Yet, there's all this hope. If I were being honest, I never thought that it wouldn't work! I thought I'd be one of the lucky ones and get pregnant within the first few tries.

Cycle #1 happened. Not pregnant.

Cycle #2 happened. Not pregnant.

All that waiting to just try and then bam - cycle #1 and cycle #2 felt like a whirlwind, went by so fast (accept the TWW of course!). It can be an all consuming thing, trying to get pregnant. Just trying and hoping. Spending all this $ on something that is not guaranteed.

During and after Cycle #2, I started to have major doubts and started to worry that maybe - just maybe - I will never get pregnant... I know I've only gone through two cycles, but the negatives were devastating. It's hard putting all this love and hope into something and then have it not be successful.

I really needed a month off to gain some prospective. At first, I was angry that I would have to take an entire month off!! More delay in trying. I'm not getting any younger! But it couldn't have come at a better time. Life is getting a little more "clearer".

• Little Guy's adoption is going to happen!!! 
• Little Miss will be leaving in a few weeks to be back with family. 
• All my big travel plans (and the stress that goes with that) are over. 

I also started to ask myself, "Will I be happy with just Little Guy and me?" I absolutely adore Little Guy! He is my world right now. But... I would feel like our two-person Family C would be missing someone. Missing our much loved and hoped for Baby C. I really want Little Guy to have a sibling. I also always wanted to have birth children... I would like to have at least 2 children with a max of 3. 

I've decided to continue on with TTC and am committed to going through as many as 6 IUI cycles before reevaluating. If I have 6 failed IUI's, then I'll think about IVF or possibly adoption or just continue to provide foster care. 

It's a little funny to think about it... but I never imagined my life turning out this way! Would I change anything? Absolutely NOT!

I wouldn't change anything because that would mean I wouldn't have Little Guy in my life right now and I wouldn't trade him for the world. So, maybe TTC doesn't work - maybe it does... I'm sure that in the end it is all going to turn out as it should and we will add to our family the way it was meant to be. I just know that we will be adding at least one more child to our family, it's just a matter of how that will happen. 

I really needed this TTC break. Being off of fertility meds has been heavenly! It's great feeling normal. Also, all the stress that goes with Cycling wasn't here this month. There is just so much riding on getting that BFP. This dream of dreams to complete my family... The hope. The love. It can be a bit much at times. Never realized how much stress I was holding onto until it wasn't there anymore. 

IUI Cycle #3 Plan 

I met with my RE today to discuss "next steps" and come up with a Game Plan. He doesn't think we need to go to full-on injectables. He's suggesting a "mini stimulation" round:

+ Clomid or Femara (Letrizole) for 5 days
+ FSH stimulating hormone (Bravelle, Follistim, or Goanl-F) for 3 days
+ Pregnyl Trigger 
+ Progesterone Vaginal Suppository 

I haven't decided if I want to do Clomid again or go with Femara... I have a few more weeks before I need to decide. My RE doesn't have a preference either way. I've decided to go with Bravelle, because it's cheaper and should have the same results.

He also discussed an Injections or "full stimulation" round which would be FSH stimulating hormone (no clomid or femara). FSH 75 iu/day for 10-14 days. More ultrasounds, about 3-5 and blood work. I ruled this one out (for now) because of the increase of costs.

I also discussed IVF with him. He said my BMI needs to be under 40 in order for them to do IVF with me. However, if it's between 37-40 that they have to do a consultation with the other RE (there are two RE's in my office) to see if they want to proceed... I'm going to have to work on getting my weight down if I end up going this route.

Let's see what happens on Cycle #3. Hopefully it will be successful and I won't have to worry about moving towards an injectables-only IUI round or IVF.

"There's no telling how many miles you have to run 

while chasing a dream."

Anonymous

Road Trip, Day #5: Character Breakfast + Travel Day - headed home!

First thing we did on our last day was pack and load the car. Bigger effort than it sounds with two toddlers! 

Character Breakfast 

It's so crowded at the parks and the lines to take pictures with characters are really long. I made a reservation for a Character Breakfast for our last day in California. I've done Goofy's Kitchen and wanted to try something different. We ended up doing Disney's PCH Grill at Disney's Paradise Pier Hotel. 

Mini review: not the best character breakfast ever... but it's hard to compare Disneyland stuff to Disney World...! I didn't really like the food options and the layout of the place was a little odd. 

Little Guy was a little cautious of the characters, but he didn't cry. Little Miss had a different experience. She would wave "hi" and "bye" to them with a smile on her face. But if they tried to get close, she would scream her head off! So, I don't have any pictures of her smiling with the characters. 

Drive Home

The drive home went really fast and was relatively smooth. The kids did well for the most part, besides a few tantrum parties with Little Miss. 

Sweet Part of the Day: Pluto hugging Little Guy.

Sour Part of the Day: Having a toddler kick my seat while I was driving. 

Road Trip, Day #4: Beach Day

After all the excitement of the Graduation Ceremony, going to Disney's California Adventure, and Disneyland -- we planned one relaxing day to the BEACH! 

Since we got back to the hotel so late the day before, we got to sleep in this day! We all got up by 10:30am, which is extremely late for me and the kids. 

The day didn't start off great, as Little Miss continued her tantrum party at the hotel before we left... 

We had a beach in mind to visit, but we ended up at Newport Beach instead. Found some street parking and a beach that didn't have many people there! 

We were able to hang out and relax for a few hours. It wasn't too sunny, which was nice! The water was very cold. 

Little Miss had a few outburst at the beach that weren't fun... But I dealt with it. Overall the trip was a success! 

Later that night, we met with my cousin and God Daughter for dinner. 

Nice relaxing day, considering the busy hustle and bustle of Disneyland/DCA. 

Sweet Part of the Day: Hanging out at the beach. 

Sour Part of the Day: Little Miss's morning tantrum. 

Road Trip, Day #3: Disneyland, the Happiest Place On Earth! (for most kids)

Day #3 was Disneyland Day!!! With what happened at DCA yesterday, I tried to take some precautions to hopefully minimize Little Miss's tantrums - no luck. This day was just as bad (if not worse than yesterday) where her extreme tantrums are concerned. 

HOWEVER, even though she had tantrums-galore --> the rest of us had a good time :) Did same packing as DCA day. Disneyland is much more crowded though!!! Was hard to navigate the crowds and we didn't get to go on many of the Tomorrowland, Fantasyland, or Toon Town rides. If I were to do it again, probably would've done 2 days at Disneyland to fit it all in and not feel "rushed".

The castle!

In Tomorrowland, the kids had a lot of fun with this giant water ball. 

Watched Fantasmic, which was GREAT! I haven't watched the show since I was a kid. Little Guy with his glow sticks. 

The day at Disneyland was fun! We got to do everything we wanted to do (for the most part) and see what we wanted to see. We were very strategic with riding rides. They have some rides that have "single riders" and we used Fast Pass for other rides. The teenager and I just took turns watching the kids while the other one was on the rides. We took the kids on the rides with no height requirements (although Little Miss missed out on some of these because of the tantrum situation). Worked out really well overall!

Sweet Part of the Day: Being at Disneyland with my Little Guy! 

Sour Part of the Day: "Advice" from other parents on how to manage Little Miss's tantrums. <sigh> 

Road Trip, Day #2: Disney California Adventure

Today was Disney California Adventure (DCA) Day. I was "prepared" with toys, snacks, diapers, clothes, drinks! You can bring in food and drinks into Disney. Here's what I packed: 

• Soft Structured Cooler: located under the stroller that had water and ice to keep it cold. 
• Food Snack Trays for the kids. 
• Some Toys to help with down time. 
• In the Minnie Bag: A bag of extra clothes, PJ's, sunblock. 
• In the Spider Man Bag: Diapers, Wipes. 
• Blankets for each kid. 
• Baby Carrier for waiting in line. 

The day started out relatively well! It wasn't busy at DCA and it's a smaller park, so I didn't feel rushed. The kids were exploring and having fun. 

THEN, the meltdowns began. Little Miss had her first meltdown during the Frozen sing along. It was really bad. I can't add the details here... but they were so bad that someone at Disney came to talk to us about her keeping her shoes and shirt on, and that if I need assistance -- to just find a Cast Member.  Very embarrassing, needless to say. 

I wish I could say that her meltdowns stopped after that, but they actually escalated. She had meltdown-after meltdown. Screaming at the top of her lungs for up to an hour at a time... She ended up staying in the stroller for the most part because she was highly unpredictable on what she would do when she was out. 

Little Guy also became frustrated with her and would go up to her and say, "Stop it! No" and wag his little finger at her. 

We didn't let that impact our day though!! Little Guy still had fun, I had semi-fun, and the teenager that came with us had fun on the rides. 

The cutest thing was that Little Guy would "dance". He would stand in the middle of traffic and just start bouncing, going in circles, dancing :) 

Here's the kids waiting in line to take a picture with a Car in Cars Land. Little Miss didn't actually make it to the picture, as she had a meltdown right after I took this one. 

It was hard taking pictures of Little Guy with the cars, as he just wanted to look at them. He was fascinated that they made noise and that they had eyes! 

We watched the parade at DCA and it was really good! 

We also watched World of Color. I really enjoyed that one. I didn't know you had to have a fast pass to get seats!! By the time we figured it out, they were already out. So we found this spot, a little off center - but it worked out well! I also brought glow sticks for the kids to use when it got dark. Prior to it getting too cold, I changed both kids into their PJ's and put their jackets on - that way when it was time to leave, they can go straight to sleep when we got back to the hotel.



Overall, it was an OK day. Little Miss's tantrums were so constant and extreme and nothing I would do helped her or minimized her behavior. It was really frustrating.

Sweet Part of the Day: Watching Little Guy dance in the middle of Car's Land. 

Sour Part of the Day: Little Miss's extreme Tantrums. 

Road Trip, Day #1: 6 Hour Car Ride + Graduation Ceremony!

It's time for our Road Trip to California!! 

Agenda: My God Daughter's High School Graduation, Disney California Adventure, Disneyland, the Beach, and Character Breakfast. 

Getting ready for a road trip is a little bit easier than preparing for a plane ride! More space in the car for odds and ends, no worries about having to carry everything. 

Packing & Loading

For this trip, I decided to put each day into a zip lock bag. I've done this before, just skipped it for my Hawaii trip. Bags I packed:

• A bag for each day: 1 outfit for each kid + 1 set of PJ's. 
• A bag of just PJ's for each kid (for non-theme park days). 
• A bag of jackets, hats, sunglasses. 
• A bag of extra clothes: 1 outfit for each kid. 

Packing the car was harder. I don't have a huge car!!! So, trying to squeeze everything in there for 4 humans, a double stroller, and a pack-n-play was tough! I had two pack-n-plays (1 for each kid) but wasn't able to bring the second one because there was absolutely no room. Ended up renting a crib at the hotel.

I don't normally let the kids watch TV. I made a huge exception for this road trip. I bought TV's for the car with dual screens (can be played individually or as one). Since I have one kid rear-facing and one forward-facing, this worked out really well.

The Drive 

The drive went relatively smoothly! We stopped twice. Once for snacks + potty/diaper changes. Then once for lunch. Both kids did extremely well.

This is what the snack tray looked like:

Graduation Ceremony 

When we finally arrived in California, we were able to change and head over to my God Daughter's High School graduation. There were a lot of kids graduating, but it was still over in about 1.5 hours.



Afterwards, we went to dinner with the family and did gifts for my God Daughter. I made her two candy leis, a money lei, and gave her a "College Survival Kit". She loved it! I found all of these things on Pinterest and YouTube.

Arriving at the Hotel 

We arrived at the hotel relatively late, about 9:30pm. We got settled and went straight to sleep. We stayed at the Carousel Inn and Suites. The good: Perfect location, as it's only a 5 minute walk to both parks (it's right across the street) - very convenient, the price was pretty good considering the location. Downers: no free wifi, no free parking (only valet services that costs each day), a "resort fee" (although not very resort-y), crib rental fee.

All in all, the road trip to California was a success and everything went as planned.

Sweet Part of the Day: Seeing my God Daughter graduate!

Sour Part of the Day: It was humid! Not used to the humidity anymore! 

Good Bye Visit for Little Guy

The trial to terminate parental rights (TPR) was at the end of May. The judge issued her ruling last week and Little Guy's birth parents'  parental rights are officially severed. When TPR happens, they schedule one last "goodbye" visit with the birth parents. Today was supposed to be the "goodbye" visit for Little Guy.

Guess what? His Birth Father (BF) forgot. He forgot. 

I received a call from the Parent Aide that BF forgot it was scheduled for today and wants to reschedule it. I've never heard of a goodbye visit being rescheduled... Technically, they have no rights anymore. 

I have to say, when I received the call I was extremely disappointed. I couldn't believe it. How can you just forget that you had your last visit with your son scheduled? I was angry. I was upset. I was sad. 

Very upsetting. I guess this just goes to show that the right course for my Little Guy was made and TPR was the right direction. 

I know Little Guy doesn't comprehend everything that's going on right now... But I still hurt for him. Because although he doesn't understand now, I'm going to have to explain all of this to him one day. When I finally share his story with him, he will be able to understand all of this. This will always be part of his story. But it doesn't have to be a negative thing or impact Little Guy in a negative way. It is part of his story, but it does not define him or his future. 

Soon, we will be able to move forward... 

Next Steps Towards Adoption 

• Waiting for CPS to hand the case over to the Adoptions Unit. The transfer paperwork was being completed last Friday. Then, we will have an Adoptions Case Manager assigned. 
• Waiting for my Foster Care agency to complete the paperwork to get me Certified to Adopt. I completed some paperwork last week, just waiting for them to submit and get it approved. 
• Find an Adoption Lawyer. I made a call last week, waiting for a call back.  

Little Miss will be Leaving Soon

Received notice that Little Miss will be leaving soon, approximately 3 weeks - so by the end of June/beginning of July-ish.

I have mixed feelings about this...

I do believe that CPS sometimes reunifies too early and I think that's the case here. I don't think it's in Little Miss's best interest to go home *right* now. The odds of her ending up back in foster care are pretty high... How could a case go from being about 1-2 years to being a few months? There's something odd and fishy about that. This is the most complex case I've had as a foster parent and for them to send Little Miss home so soon is just perplexing.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in reunification. However, there is a point where I think CPS sets up the birth parents for failure by not allowing them enough time to get their lives together and sending kids home too soon. It's hard to change your life around. It's even harder when you have kids to watch over. I'm talking about sustainable life change - not just "I'm going to do good for right now and then fall off the bandwagon." Sustainable life changes do not happen in just a few months...

I'm hoping that's not the case here... but I don't have much confidence in the system due to all the stuff I've experienced. Also, I know this case -- and it scares me to have Little Miss leave this soon... Of course, I have no say. The GAL on this case is also useless. I haven't liked her from the start and she was useless when I emailed her. What else can be done?

Let's just hope that this is for the best and that she's going home forever. She already has a lot of medical and behavioral needs, I would hate for her to digress. She's come so far.

That's the other thing with foster care, I'll never know what happens to her! She'll leave and I'll never hear if she's back in the system or if she's doing well at home. Very sad.

Such is the life of a foster parent. Love/care for them while you have them, advocate for their best interests and for services, then say goodbye and pray that where they go next is for the best.

Hawaii 2015 Last Thoughts

This Hawaii trip was our "big trip" for the year. I like to try and go on one big trip every year, if possible. 

First, the planning. I went through a travel agency that was recommended by my boss. He uses them every year to go to Cancun with his family. He stays at all-inclusive places. I wish they had all-inclusive places in Hawaii!! Going through the travel agency made things a little less stressful with planning the hotel, booking the airfare, etc. The only thing is -- I'm a bit of a control freak, so I was double checking everything. So not sure I actually saved "time" in going through a travel agency! But I did like that she was able to show me different packages depending on the airline/hotel combination. Overall, I enjoyed going through the travel agent and will probably use her again for my next trip. 

I get good rental car prices through work corporate perks. This I will continue to use on trips going forward. So, I'll book this separately from the travel agent. Next time, I will look more into HOW to get to the rental place (need to take a shuttle or if it's part of the airport, etc). 

Second, the packing. I always over pack. It's just my thing. I'm a "just in case" type person. Overall, I over packed for Little Guy - had a lot of options. He still had half his clothes left that were clean! BUT his clothes don't take up a lot of room. My clothes - I packed JUST right. I used almost everything I brought. There were some hair accessary items I didn't need for Hawaii, like my curling iron. What I know I over planned for was the "in flight toddler entertainment." Almost none of it worked! I still need to do a "review" of the things I brought. Knowing what I know now - I will not bring as much stuff for Little Guy. The things that entertained him the most were a cup from the plane and a straw. Really! 

Third, attending events where I'm not really "welcomed". OK. So, not that I wasn't welcomed. But it wasn't a "we're happy to see you" type feeling that I got. Next time, I will not plan a trip around something like that where I will feel uncomfortable. I do have a wedding to attend next month with the same group... but that's ONE event and there will be more people I know to keep me company. 

Forth, the trip was a day too long for a toddler. You can only ask so much from a toddler! You can't expect them to just adjust and be ok with it. Considering we were in a hotel, I think I would prefer to stay in condo/apartment-type hotels when having little ones. Better to have a fridge and food at the ready. Plus, a bigger place to explore. I enjoyed our Florida trip where we rented a condo on the beach. Big enough to explore so it didn't feel like we were on top of each other. 

Fifth, traveling solo with a toddler is TOUGH. It's not like this is my first trip with Little Guy... but it is my first trip with him being a full fledged toddler! It was exhausting trying to get things done, carry everything, stay on schedule, keep a nap schedule, not to let him get over tired, not to let him get too far away, make sure he was eating, make sure he was drinking enough water, expose him to new things, etc. It's tiring. I'm tired! One day too long for both of us! 

Overall, I had a great time on this trip! I got to see most of the island, I got to experience things I haven't done before with the Luau, Botanical Gardens, North Shore, and just exploring Waikiki. There was equal chances to relax and explore. 

I love Little Guy and enjoy his company so much. Seeing things through his eyes is nice. But all he really wanted was to point at airplanes and play with his cars! Oh, and run around exploring without me saying "no-no"! I did a lot of research on "toddler friendly" places on the island. I'm sure he enjoyed himself, as much as a toddler can. 

Though it was fun and we got to do a lot -- it was also exhausting! Hoping for a nice relaxing weekend... then onto our next adventures: 

1. Next Week: Road trip to Southern California + Disneyland! I'm finalizing the plans for that one. This is to attend my God Daughter's High School Graduation! I'll have both toddlers for this trip and my friends' teenage daughter will be coming along. 
2. Next Month: Road trip to Southern California for the wedding. Will just have Little Guy for this one. 
3. December: Trip TBD. This will be dependent on TTC and adoption finalization. 

Hawaii Trip, Day #8: Travel Day -- Headed back to the Mainland!

Time to head home!!! I have to say, I was excited about going home. I loved our trip, but there comes a time when all you want to do is sleep in your own bed, let your toddler run around in a child-proof home, and just relax. I seriously need a vacation from my vacation! 

First, we packed and put everything in the car. When I say "we" - I mean me carrying a toddler in a baby carrier and lugging all of our junk through the hotel and elevator to the car. After we had the car loaded and ready, we checked out. Here's Little Guy saying "bye bye" to the Koi Fish. 

All in all, I was really satisfied with the Sheraton Princess Kaiulani. The resort fee is charged at all the hotels there, but I really liked what it covered (parking, 2 bottles of water/day, beach towels, beach chair, family photo). It wasn't fun facing the construction, but there's so much construction around the area anyways. Overall, satisfied. I loved the location, we were close to everything. Maybe a 3.5 stars out of 5? 

After we checked out, we went to our favorite breakfast spot Keoni by Keo. Then, it was time to head to the airport EARLY - so I wouldn't stress out! Also, to tire Little Guy out. 

Since I had such an "adventure" arriving in Honolulu, I decided to go about things a little differently for heading home. The game plan: 

• Park in the terminal, check in luggage. 
• Return rental car. Take shuttle back to the airport. 
• Go through security. 
• Let Little Guy run his little heart out. 

This plan worked out EXTREMELY well!!! Checking luggage before returning the rental car helped with the issue of loading all the luggage on the rental car shuttle back to the terminal. Saved me a lot of stress. Plus, check out the view from the terminal parking lot! What was awesome is that there were some military fighter jets in the air and Little Guy was fascinated with how fast they were going! I'll have to remember this for the future, maybe watch an air show one day. 

Since we got to the airport so early, Little Guy was free (for the most part) to wonder around. He played with luggage carts, played with pay phones (can you believe they have pay phones?!), talked to people, ran away from me as fast as he could, played on the computer, etc. 

Last views of Hawaii from the plane. 

You'd think that would tire him out? Well, it did! But it didn't really help on the plane ride home. He only slept for maybe 10 minutes on take off and was up the entire trip back home. Cranky toddler on the plane. That was us! 

Just to add to the "fun" of air travel with children. We arrived at our home airport right on time, like on the dot. Then, there was an issue with the jet bridge! We had to wait about 25 minutes on the plane before they could get the doors open to let us out. Joy-joy. Just got to roll with it. 

Regardless, it was nice arriving home. Our friend was kind enough to pick us up and our dog was happy we were home! 

Best part of the day: breakfast at Keoni by Keo's. 

Worst part of the day: Toddler meltdowns on airplanes.