Losses, Luck, and Life

**WARNING** a bit of whining and venting below.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty sad. Today I'm having my 3rd IUI and it is so hard to be hopeful. It just feels like I'll never get pregnant and it almost feels like going through this TTC process is futile. I had  a very emotional weekend - which I haven't had time to write about yet... mostly because I'm not sure what it all means and haven't had time to process how I feel yet. But it's got my mind spinning and bringing my thoughts back to my past and resurfacing old feelings.

For some reason, this morning my thoughts went to the last time I was "in love" and when Plan A seemed like it was starting to happen. Looking back, I remember feeling like "this was it." I let my guard down and allowed myself to believe in Plan A and Plan A coming to fruition.

Obviously, that didn't happen and my gut was all wrong. I believe that I officially gave up on Plan A after I realized that things weren't going to progress in that direction. I always had Plan B in mind since my late 20's, but I really wanted Plan A - more specifically, I wanted Plan A with this particular guy...

Not sure why all of these old feelings of loss and sorrow resurfaced this morning. These feelings came back with a vengeance and really gutted me. I think that with all that happened over the weekend paired with Plan B not happening as easily as I thought, has gotten me in a tailspin of emotions and bringing up some questions that I thought I have already answered.

I've come to terms with being Single and being a Single Mom. I am 100% secure with my decisions to be a single foster mom, adopt as a single woman, and pursue trying to conceive through artificial insemination. Having all these feelings resurface does not change my resolve to move forward or change my mind in living the path that I'm on right now.

But there are times - like today - where I feel the loss of my Plan A and of what could've been. A different path, but not my path to take.

In all honesty, I don't think I've really "given up" on finding love or a partner. I still have hope that one day it'll happen. I just know now that it's not going to happen in the fashion that I thought it would (i.e. get married, have children).

I haven't had much luck in life. But lately, things have been very happy. First, the adoption with Little Guy. Second, the events over the weekend. That's two really good things that have happened in a short period of time. I just feel like I don't normally get "lucky" -- which makes me doubt that Cycle #3 will be a success. Three good things happening in a short period of time? Hmmm... not normally the way my life works.

I was feeling horribly sad and down this morning. Then, Little Guy wakes up and I hear his sweet voice on the baby monitor. Which made me feel like the luckiest person in the world :) Also, made me realize that it's sad that Plan A didn't work. But if it did, I wouldn't have my Little Guy. So, things all work out as they should.

Going to try to hold onto that if Cycle #3 isn't a success. Life and events will happen as they should. I'm going to try my best to not be positive or negative about this IUI and trust that it'll happen as it should.