Adjusting to New Foster Baby

Some transitions are easier than others! I would rate the transition of Mr. Munchkin to be a little more difficult than usual. A few factors played into that:

• We were also adjusting to having a friend move in with us. 
• Munchkin came on a Monday, during the work week - which made it harder to start bonding. It's easier to bond when they arrive on a Friday, since you have the entire weekend to get to know them. 
• It was just a hectic week already, schedule-wise. Adding a new baby in the mist of everything was a little stressful. 
• He's not sleeping through the night yet and he's still adjusting to his new environment. 

First night with the boys sharing a room, didn't go that well! The new baby didn't like the crib - at all and kept crying. What was cute, was Little Guy's reaction to it: 

• He tried talking to the new baby when he was crying. Telling him about the room and pointing things out. 
• He tried to show him his toy dog. Saying "puppy" and putting it against the crib so the baby can see it. 
• He tried to rub the new baby's tummy trying to settle him.

Needless to say, the new baby is currently sleeping in my room until I can get him on an 8-10 hour sleep at night schedule. I've tried twice to move him into Little Guy's room with no success. I'll keep trying. He sometimes sleeps really well, 7-8 hour stretches. Other times he's up every 3-4 hours. Not consistent at all. I'm still learning his quirks and his signals. Also trying to figure out why he does well on certain nights compared to others.

Some things Little Guy has done in reaction to the baby:

• When Munchkin is crying, Little Guy will tell him, "Stop it!" I had to coach him on this one! Now, he sometimes will pat the Baby's head and say, "It's OK". 
• Little Guy wants to do everything the baby is doing. If baby is sitting and playing in the Boppy Pillow, then Little Guy wants to sit in the Boppy Pillow. If baby is playing in the floor gym matt, Little Guy wants to play on the floor gym matt. If baby is in the swing, Little Guy wants to sit in the swing. If Baby has a chew toy or a pacifier, Little Guy has to take it and put it in his mouth! 
• Little Guy will dance to the baby music and Munchkin loves it and laughs. 

We are still adjusting, but it's getting better. I think I've tweaked our schedule enough so that I'm giving Little Guy attention and Munchkin is getting face time as well. I am feeling more comfortable having the two of them and balancing my time and adjusting the schedule. 

I'll be happy when the sleep schedule gets better for Munchkin and when the boys can share a room without waking each other up! I'll give it a month and hopefully the schedule will get smoother. In the mean time, I'm constantly adjusting things to try to meet Munchkin where he's at and trying my best to make the transition for him ok. 

IUI Cycle #5: Test Results

I'm not pregnant... IUI #5 was a bust. No words really. I guess I was hoping that it would work, which I hope for every cycle. For this cycle, there were some changing variables and was hoping the changes would lead to a successful cycle. These negatives really get to me. I'm so disappointed. I think this was the hardest BFN to date and the most I've cried about it. Trying so hard to "will" that second line to appear on a HPT. Even though I was totally prepared to hear from the nurse about the BFN, it was still hard to hear: "Unfortunately I do not have good news, the results were negative." It's funny because she sounded so happy at the beginning of the conversation that I actually thought she might have good news to give me! But no such luck there. It's confirmed: not pregnant.... again, x5.

It just sucks. It sucks so bad. I'm honestly not sure how much longer I can keep trying... But I guess that all this "trying to conceive" will be coming to an end soon enough - either way. There's IUI #6... Then IVF... with a fresh transfer maybe? Then possibly a FET (if any are able to freeze).

Then... done?

Then... reevaluate?

What happens after these paths have been exhausted?

Ugh. I'm so emotional right now and upset about this entire thing. I don't want to do IVF, but I guess I have to get over my fears if IUI #6 is not successful. I also don't really want to do IUI #6... I'm sick of sticking myself with needles and not feeling like "myself" with all these crazy hormones. I also loathe the fact that I'll have to give myself more injections. 

It's so weird because I'm closer to the "end" of TTC vs when I first started, and I haven't had a successful cycle. Right when I think how hard this has been, it gets emotionally harder. It just feels like I'll never get pregnant... I hate to think that I might be finished with TTC and not have my precious Baby C in my arms at the end of all this. I so didn't imagine this TTC journey going this route.

Next Steps: 

• Wait for AF to arrive. 
• Schedule Baseline Ultrasound for Cycle #6. 
• I need to decide if I want to move forward with IVF now or wait, because I would need to do my Day 3 blood work at the Baseline U/S as well. 
• Order donor #2 Sperm vial after Baseline Ultrasound, make sure the cycle is a "go" before ordering (i.e. no cysts). 

IUI Cycle #5: Two Week Wait

This was a strange TWW for me. The entire Cycle #5 has been so odd, kind of like I'm on "replay" or something - just going through the motions. The first week, of the TWW, went by relatively quickly. I felt really bloated after this IUI, not sure why! It lasted 2 days. Very uncomfortable. Started the progesterone and had my typical reactions to it.

The second week was hectic. Some new life stuff going on: 

• I have a new foster baby! 
• A friend also just moved in, temporarily. 
• I received confirmation that I was Certified to Adopt my Little Guy! 

There was a lot of adjustment for us as a family. Adding a new foster baby changes the dynamics. Little Guy is learning to be a big brother :) And he's super adorable with the new baby! Also, my friend moved in with her children staying occasionally. So, we went from a 2 person household to having 5 people, sometimes 6, in the house. Big change for all of us and something I need to adjust to. Tweaking our routine is a little bit more complicated than I thought it would be.

Also, found out my cousin's wife is pregnant with their second child. Their first baby just turned 1. I'm very happy for them! But at the same time I'm envious they are having such an easy time having kids. They're way younger than me - so I know that plays a big role on fertility. It's just hard to be trying so hard and not having any luck.

I've also been toying with a decision... if IUI #5 and IUI #6 are not successful, that maybe I'm going to take a break from TTC. Once I made this an option, I felt relieved... IVF scares me. I also am concerned about my weight. So, I'm thinking that if this cycle and next cycle do not work -- that I'll take 6 months to lose some weight and get back to being centered. I've read that weight plays a factor in IVF success rates. Additionally, I've gained so much weight since starting this journey - I need to get it under control. I'm just so hormonal on all these fertility medications. Ugh. But I feel good about possibly taking a break.

Here's to seeing if IUI #5 will be a success... 

Next Step: Beta Test on 9/29 @ 8am. 

Adoption Update: Officially Certified to Adopt!

I've been waiting and waiting and waiting to finally post this entry!!! I am officially CERTIFIED TO ADOPT!!!!! YAY!!! Finally moving forward for real now. Spoke to my adoption lawyer,the  appointment is scheduled & I will make the NAD deadline! Woohoo! 

Weird comment from  a friend after telling her I was going to adopt. She said, "That means Mommy for real." Hmmm. Have I been a "fake mommy" all this time? Guess that's a little pet peeve of mine. Whether you're a foster mother, adoptive mother, step mother, birth mother --- you are a MOTHER. You are caring for the kids in your home, you are loving the kids in your home, you're providing for the kids in your home. That's what "real" moms do.

Now, I know my friend didn't mean to be offensive. I know that she's happy that I'm finally adopting. It's all about word choices.

Anyways... I'm really excited and can't believe it! It's finally almost here. We have a solid date. There's an end to the scare of him leaving... and a beginning of our Forever Family. I'm going to be a crying mess at the court hearing for finalization! I'm already teary eyed just thinking about it! November will be here before we know it. 

Next Steps: 

• Meet with the Adoption Lawyer, scheduled on 10/5 @ 3:30pm
• Request NAD adoption date by 10/9 deadline 
• Complete lawyer paperwork 

New Foster Child

Originally, I was not planning on taking a new foster placement any time soon. A few reasons:

• My last placement (that left in July) was pretty difficult. 
• I thought I'd be pregnant by now and was leaning towards closing my foster license once my adoption was finalized. 
• I wasn't sure I wanted to continue to foster. 

Life doesn't always work out as "planned." I'm not pregnant (yet). The foster care system in my state is not very good. There are so many children coming into care that children are sleeping at the CPS offices or staying in a placement center. Older kids, young kids, newborns, infants - not enough foster homes, group homes, or shelters for all of them. It's really sad. 

I became a foster parent to help these kids and provide a home for them until they could be reunified with their birth family. With all the planning for my Forever Family C, I wasn't sure if I could change my mind-frame into thinking "temporary" with foster care. 

Last weekend changed all of my hesitations when I found out the need for foster homes is huge. There is a high need for foster homes, higher now more than ever. I just can't keep my foster beds closed when I know I have the time / space / energy to help. 

Technically, I'm licensed for 3 foster beds. Little Guy takes up 1 bed. I am open for 2 additional beds (on paper). I've decided to open up 1 of my beds. 

Placement Criteria

• 1 Child 
• Age Range: 6 weeks old Newborn - 5 months old
• Gender: Male or Female  
• Race: Any Race 

I decided to take a baby, instead of an older child this round. All my older placements have been pretty difficult and I can use a break from that right now. It's still fresh with my difficulties from my last placement. My easiest placements have been the babies.

When I finally decided to open up a bed, I started getting excited about taking in another foster child :)  

Placement Calls

My bed officially opened on 9/14 at 10:00 a.m. I was surprised to not get any calls on the first day.... and then no calls the second day. I was under the impression that there were so many kids coming into the system. My placement criteria was pretty narrow though. I heard there were newborns coming in, but no kids in my age criteria. By the third day of waiting for a placement call, I decided to open it back up to Newborn - 5 months old.

Here are the placement calls I received: 

1. 9/16 @ 9am: 3 day old baby boy. -- Said yes, but placed with other foster home. 
2. 9/16 @ 9:15am: 3 week old boy/girl twins. -- said no. This was a hard choice. I don't think I've ever said "no" to taking a child before... But with TTC and with Little Guy, I could have the potential to have 4 children under 3 years old. That's a lot. I know technically I could do it... but I wouldn't want to not do it well. Plus, don't want to take away from Little Guy at all. Ugh. Hard choices. Hoping these two little ones find a good foster home. 
3. 9/17 @ 2:45pm: 1 month old baby girl -- said yes, placed with another foster home. 
4. 9/18 @ 1:50pm: 3 month old baby boy -- said yes, was chosen for placement, then a relative was found and he was placed with them. 
5. 9/18 @ 3pm: asked if I would take a 3 year old girl, when the 3 month old got placed with a relative - said no. This was outside my age range. I felt bad though... They said she was waiting for a foster home for 6 days :(  I am just not ready to take a toddler right now. 
6. 9/21 @ 10am: 4 month old boy. -- said yes. Got chosen as foster placement and now he's here :) 

What's interesting is they are starting to provide the APGAR number for Newborn placements. They didn't do this previously. 

When I receive placement calls, I can't help but imagine my life with this new little person in it. How our family dynamics will change and how things will be for Little Guy and I. It's an "exciting time" in the sense that we're welcoming a new family member into our home. It's also a "sad time" because that means the child cannot be with their birth family.

Here's to welcoming my 9th foster child! 

IUI Cycle #5: IUI Complete

The deed is done. IUI #5 is complete. No words of wisdom or feelings to share. I just really want this time to work. The closer that IVF becomes a "possibility," the more I'm thinking I don't want to do it. I have a mental block when it comes to IVF, I just don't want it to be an option. So, please, oh please - let this try #5 work out.

Things that are different this cycle:

• New Donor (donor #2) 
• Used FSH Gonal-F Injection (instead of Bravelle) 
• Trigger Shot 31 hours before IUI (instead of 36 hours)

Sperm Analysis: 26.6 million Motile sperm with 55% Motility

This is the first time the nurse performed my insemination. It's always been my RE. She had a hard time putting the speculum in... she had to use 2 different ones until she could get it in. It hurt pretty bad and was very uncomfortable. Then, I felt the tickle of the catheter going in. She said, "And they're off!"

She turned off the lights above, which they've never done before. It was nice not having the bright light shining on me for the 10 minutes of laying down with my hips up.

I guess we'll see what happens. Not really sure if I expect anything from this cycle. It's kind of been a mess with the whole "I forgot my trigger" thing. But it's done and I'm hopeful.

Next Step: Beta Test 9/29/15 @ 8:00 a.m.

IUI Cycle #5: Trigger Shot Screw Up

Well, I totally screwed up! I forgot to take my trigger shot the morning of 9/14 @ 1:30 a.m. It just totally slipped my mind. I had so much other stuff going on, that I didn't realize I missed it until the morning of 9/14.

We're all human. But missing the trigger shot was like throwing over a grand out the window. Or that's how I felt. I called my clinic when they opened to figure out if I should take the trigger late... or reschedule the IUI.

As I was stressed out waiting for the call back from the nurse, I couldn't help but think that my head just "wasn't in the game". It's not like I forgot I had my IUI this week, I actually was extremely aware of it since I was planning around it. I even checked my calendar last night to "look at the week." Yet, somehow - somehow I just overlooked that 1:30 a.m. calendar item. My brain did not function with "I have to get up at 1:30 a.m. to do my trigger." Ugh.

As I was slowly freaking myself out and wondering if I should harass my RE's office or just wait for a call back, they finally called back! They were so quick, I left a message at 7:45 a.m. and they called back at 8:00 a.m. Yes, my mind went to so many crazy places from the time I realized I forgot my trigger shot until I was able to call to when they finally called me back.

We moved my IUI time back to 3:00 p.m. tomorrow. So, keeping the same day. They told me to take my trigger shot RIGHT NOW. So, once I hung up - I mixed the quickest I've ever mixed and injected the quickest I've every injected.

The nurse said that there was a "window" of leeway from Trigger Shot to IUI time... I hope they're right. I've always done my IUI's 36 hours after trigger. This time, it's going to be 31 hours. Crossing fingers this all works out. This cycle has been a mental struggle for me, if it doesn't work - I might have to re-evaluate going straight into Cycle #6.

Next Steps:

• IUI: 9/15/15 @ 3:00 p.m. 
• Beta Test: 9/29/15

Little Guy: Toddler-isms

Toddlers can be so much fun. I've noticed that Little Guy is doing more and more as his personality is shining through as he gets older. Here are a few captured moments I didn't want to forget: 

• We were listening to the Music Channel and "Let it Go" from Frozen came on. All of a sudden Little Guy starts singing "Let it go!" I tried to record it, but then he got distracted. It was so adorable. Now, he goes around singing "Let it go!" 
• He's starting to put his arm over his eyes when he doesn't like something I said. 

• Hugging his stuffed animals and rubbing his nose against theirs. Giggling the whole time. 
• Hugging his stuffed animals and patting their backs. 
• He's been getting bit at daycare by another toddler. Daycare says that he's learned to "tease" other kids already. Hmmm. 
• He now has an obsession with "crackers". He will whine if he sees them and ask for "crackers" and sign "please." 
• Pretending his food is a plane or car or person or phone and making the corresponding noises to go with them. 
• Putting food in his mouth, then spitting it out and saying "hot" - then blowing on it. This was on a cold piece of lunch meat... 
• Looking at his toy Elmo's bottom and asking Elmo, "Poo Poo?" Or playing with the dolphin toys in the bath and when water comes out of the bottom, asking "You Poo Poo?"
• At IHOP, spilled the salt onto the table and then tried to lick it up. 
• Went to a Gymboree class and he was having so much fun, laughing during the umbrella portion and the bubbles. He loved it so much. 
• He's starting to help feed the dog!
  
  
  
  I feel so blessed that I get to adopt him. He's such a joy and is so much fun. 
   

IUI Cycle #5: Mid-Cycle Ultrasound

I have to confess, when I completed my last Gonal-F injection last night -- I was a little angry at having to do the injection. I don't normally get "angry" about it. But for some reason I feel so frustrated. Almost defeated before the IUI has even happened. Ugh. The Gonal-F burned when injected and I couldn't help but fear moving to IVF... More injections. More shots. More of this in-between stage of trying and not being successful. More of "this" where giving myself injections becomes a normal thing. It made me start thinking and wondering if maybe I need to stop trudging along on this TTC train and perhaps take a mental break. Give my body a break from all these medications. The holidays are coming up, my adoption, and my Little Guy's 2nd birthday. I can really use allocating the funds for TTC towards all of these other things...

Then I think about my aging ovarian reserve. I turn 36 in a few more months. I'm not getting any younger. I'm very close to having my costs covered by my insurance. I just need to keep going. There has to be a light at the end of this tunnel... right?  

Since the NTT on Cycle #4, I have been feeling so down. There's other stuff going on in my life besides TTC that are under my skin and adding to my negativity. Ugh. Just need to turn around my attitude, but it's been so much harder the last few weeks. Not to mention I've been having some funky dreams leaving me wondering where the heck my head is sometimes.

Mid-Cycle Ultrasound

Going into the mid-cycle ultrasound, I was hoping for: 3 mature follicles >18mm and uterine lining >8mm. You just never know what you're going to get. I didn't have any ovary pain during the mini-stimulation.

Here's what we got today:

• Right Ovary: 17 mm 
• Left Ovary: 16 mm, 14 mm 
• Lining: 6.77 mm 

I was worried about the lining. It's supposed to be > 8mm. My RE wasn't concerned, said it should continue to grow and be the right size. Said that it has the triple layer, so it was OK. Plus, he said he would round up to 7mm, since it's so close. 

The follicle sizes seem OK. Follicles grow 1-2 mm a day, so they have time to grow before my IUI on Tuesday. RE wanted to give the follicles and lining a little more time, which is why the IUI is scheduled for Tuesday (I originally thought it was going to be on Monday). 

Overall, I think I'm satisfied with the results. Seems like I stimulated the same as I have the past few cycles. 

Donor Sperm Arrived 

Confirmed that the donor sperm arrived at my RE's office yesterday, 9/10. Thank goodness for that. If there's a "next time" to order sperm, I'm going to order it earlier and have it delivered earlier. Was a little stressful that I had to keep checking the status of the shipment.

Fingers crossed this cycle works...! 

Next Steps: 

• Trigger Shot: 9/14/15 @ 1:30 am 
• IUI: 9/15/15 @ 1:30 pm 
• Beta Test: 9/29/15 

IUI Cycle #5: Follicle Stimulation

This cycle, I'm continuing the "mini stimulation" protocol: Using Clomid and an FSH Injectable. I'm using Gonal-F (instead of Bravelle) this cycle. Injectable FSH brand names in the US are: Follistim, Gonal-F, Bravelle, Menopur, Repronex. Supposedly they all do the same thing. I'm actually hoping that this slight change, from Bravelle to Gonal-F, will make a positive difference.

The hope for this cycle by the mid-cycle ultrasound is: 3 mature follicles >18mm and uterine lining >8mm.

CD 3-7: Clomid, 100 mg 

The Clomid was not fun this round. I was more short-tempered than previous Clomid-induced rounds. The hot flashes were more noticeable... Like sweating profusely!! It was horrible. I'm not really sure why the hot flashes and mood swings were more dramatic this cycle, but it sucked big time.

CD 8-10: FSH Injectable, Gonal-F, 75 iu 

Bravelle set-up: 

Injection needle after mixing: 

First day, easy breezy. Thing I do not like about Gonal-F: the saline solution is already in the plunger. When I used Bravelle, I was able to move the plunger to loosen it up a bit before adding the medication. With the solution already in the plunger -- when injecting, the plunger was so stiff! Made it a little harder to push the medication in. 

Second day, burn! Going in, it burned and then burned a little afterwards. Why oh why??! I didn't do anything differently. The alcohol swab had already dried. Ugh. That sucked too. Made me nervous for day 3. 

This cycle has felt like it's going by pretty quickly, which is nice. It's hard to think about expectations for the round or to get my hopes up... So, I am attempting to keep my mind from thinking about it too much and have been focusing on binge reading a new book series instead! Also, thinking about next steps on if I will relocate to a different state. Hard to make any decisions on anything while TTC. I'm just laying the ground work for now.

Next Step:

• Mid-Cycle Ultrasound 9/11/15 @ 2:45 p.m. Hopefully will schedule the Trigger/IUI day/time. I'm guesstimating the IUI will be on 9/14.

Adventures This Week

This week has been pretty non-conventional for me. Normally, things run smoothly and go as planned (for the most part). This week, anything that could've went wrong - went wrong!

Let's start with Monday. I was already having a crappy day because of the Cycle #4 NTT. When I was getting ready to pick up Little Guy from daycare, I received a text from his daycare provider that he had a fever or 103!!! I always get a bit scared when he gets sick...

We went to the store and bought some medicine. Luckily, I was able to get into the doctor that evening before they closed. The doctor reassured me that he would be ok, just to do Motrin/Tylenol. No ear infection. Congestion was in his sinuses and not in his lungs. Just needed to play it out. I hate hearing that. I wish there was more I could do for him.

Tuesday, I had to take a sick day off of work to take care of Little Guy. His fever was up and down all day long, he was miserable. It's tiring taking care of a sick toddler! I was hoping he would get better and he would be able to go back to daycare the next day. No such luck, his fever didn't break all day long.

Wednesday, another sick day from work. I feel so guilty taking sick days! In a normal year, I used to only take 1-2 maybe. This year, I've taken almost all of my sick days (for TTC appointments, Little Guy's appointments, my other foster kid's appointments, etc). It's only September and I can't believe my sick days are almost gone and we haven't even hit flu season yet.

This day was a tough day having a sick kiddo. First, I had my baseline ultrasound for Cycle #5. There was no way I was going to be able to bring Little Guy with me to the RE's office while I was having a vaginal ultrasound done! So, I was scrambling. Luckily one of my friend's said she could watch him for the hour I had my appointment. Thank goodness for friends!

Then, Little Guy had a doctor visit as well - for a specialist. It takes MONTHS to get into this specialist and I didn't want to reschedule. Luckily, Little Guy's fever broke that morning and he was acting and feeling like his normal self. He did really well at the appointment, the specialist was very pleased with his progress and test results!

When we were about to leave the doctor's office, I noticed a piece of wood sticking out of my tire. At first, I was going to try to pull it out. Then I noticed how embedded it was! I checked my tire pressure and it was fine, no lights on in the care to indicate low pressure. I drove directly to Discount Tires.


Turned out the piece of wood was indeed embedded into my tire and that I would need to purchase new tires. Luckily, I only had to purchase 2 (to keep the car balanced - the other 2 tires are still good for a bit longer). But still, after just spending a bunch on a new IUI Cycle #5 and just purchasing new donor sperm, the extra expense sucked!

Luckily the Discount Tires was close to an IHOP. So, I went to IHOP  for dinner with a grumpy/kind-of-sick Toddler after a long day of running around and appointments. To my surprise, Kid's eat free from 4-10pm! One small concession for the day.

Thursday came around and Little Guy had been 24 hours without a fever (thank goodness!). I checked with daycare to see if it was OK if I brought him in. The said yes. Little Guy had a good Wednesday, no fever all day - acting normal - seemed perfectly fine. I was happy to be back to work and not exhaust the rest of my sick days.

Then... I received a text from the daycare provider in the afternoon. Little Guy threw up ALL over the place during nap time!!!!! AHHHH!!! He doesn't normally throw up at all, even when sick. He didn't throw up earlier in the week, so this was out of nowhere. No clue where that came from. What was totally gross is, the daycare provider decided to share the gory details with me and send me pictures of Little Guy with throw up all over him. Why oh why would she do that?!! I have a horrible gag reflex as it is. It's not like I was questioning if he indeed threw up, she didn't have to give me a visual. Ugh. What's wrong with people?

Things that sucked about the timing of his new stomach sickness: 1) We were supposed to leave for a trip today (Friday). 2) I thought our hotel was non-refundable (I was thinking, more $$ down the drain!). 3) My poor sick baby!! :(

I pick him up from daycare and he's so pale! He's a white boy as it is, so being pale - he was almost the color of his hair. Ugh. The drive from daycare to home is only a 15 minute drive... and when we were right around the corner from our house, he throws up in the car!!!!!! OH NO!!!! My poor sick baby is barfing all over the place and screaming at the top of his lungs. I can see him in the baby mirror and I can't do anything about it, as we are in the middle of the road.

When we finally get home, it turns out I got locked outside of the house! I was in such a rush to get him, that I didn't grab the house keys. Which is normally not a problem, since we park in the garage and enter the house through the access door connected to the garage. However, I just installed these baby-proof latches on my doors. Apparently in my haste to get Little Guy, I inadvertently slammed the door, which made the latch lock! I was locked out.

Here I am, in my garage - with my toddler in the car - with throw up all over him - and I couldn't get in the house to get paper towels.

Luckily my neighbors have a spare key and they were home and able to come over and unlock the front door for me. While I waited for them, I used tissues and wipes that were in the car to wipe him down and get him out of the car seat without causing too much of a mess (or causing myself to gag!).

Things started to get a little bit better after that, I tossed the car seat pads in the washer, called the hotel (from a suggestion of a friend) to see if I can cancel my reservation. Thank goodness, they were able to cancel the reservation with no penalty! I called my friend's that I was planning on meeting this weekend and let them know I couldn't make it. This sucked. I've been planning this trip for awhile now and was really looking forward to it. But, there's no way I could do the long drive and risk getting stranded somewhere in the middle of nowhere if Little Guy got sick while we were on the road. Not to mention, it wouldn't be fun for either of us to go if he wasn't feeling well. Plus, he could get my friend's kid's sick! <sigh>

I tried giving Little Guy something for dinner, putting him on the BRATS diet (he was asking to eat). But then he threw it all up. No fun. He ended up going to sleep really early after having a "cleansing of barf" bath.

Today is Friday. My normal daycare is closed today. I had already reserved backup childcare through my company and a Nanny is at my house watching Little Guy, while I work. He doesn't have a fever today. I gave him a little bit of breakfast, which seems to be staying down. He's not 100% himself, but he's hanging in there.

To sum things up on my craptastic week:

• The NTT for Cycle #4. Which led to needing to pay for new IUI cycle and more donor sperm. 
• Sick toddler with Temp high of 103. 
• Scrambling to make my RE appointment considering sick toddler. 
• Tire punctured and having to purchase new tires. 
• Throwing up toddler in car! 
• Throwing up toddler in house! 
• Having to cancel our fun-filled weekend plans  :(  
• Did I mention throw up? 

Here's to hoping the 3-day Labor Day weekend is non-eventful and that Little Guy gets better. 

Choosing Donor #2

When I first started this process, I had a hard time choosing a sperm donor. There just seemed to be so many options out there! Choosing a sperm bank was the hardest choice to make. I chose Seattle Sperm Bank (aka European Sperm Bank USA - ESB). They're a little bit smaller, a little bit cheaper, and I have had great customer service from them - they are very responsive.

With Donor #1, I was really happy with my choice and I thought I lucked out. Even when I found his profile, I didn't purchase right away. It took me a few weeks before I actually sucked it up and purchased the donor sperm. I received 4 vials. Now, all those vials are gone. I don't want to stick with the same donor. I figure, maybe it just wasn't meant to be with Donor #1 (obviously).

Choosing a Sperm Bank 

 Now, moving onto a new Donor. I'm going to stick with ESB. I really liked them and plus, the sperm analysis was great for all 4 vials! Knowing that, why risk the chance of changing sperm banks? I also know some SMC's that used ESB and all of them have had good sperm counts. That has to count for something. A CON for using them is, they have a smaller selection. But honestly, I like that it's smaller and there are less choices. Makes it easier to choose a donor (somewhat).

Now that I'm moving on, I haven't decided if I am only going to get 1 or 2 vials of Donor #2.

• Should I just order 1 vial with hopes that IUI#5 works? 
• Or order 2 vials to cover IUI#5 and IUI#6? 

The only big PRO in ordering 2 vials, and shipping them both now, is that I save on shipping costs (approx. $180-ish). But I keep thinking, if IUI #5 works -- why waste the extra $600+ on a second vial? Right now I'm leaning towards purchasing 1 vial. I'll stick with the same donor for IUI #5 and #6... but just wait to purchase for #6 (if it comes to that). I might be $180 out in shipping costs, but I can potential save $800+ if IUI #5 works. Playing the odds... let's see how it turns out. If I move onto IVF after that - I'll change donor's again.

I purchased ESB's "All Access Pass" for $50. This covers 3 months of being able to view all profiles, pictures, audio, extended profiles, etc. This would also cover me if/when I get to IVF, my access will still be available to choose Donor #3 (if needed - but let's hope it doesn't come to that).

Search Criteria

Researching donor's is tough... I decided to stick with some strict guidelines to make it easier to narrow it down. Mind you, everyone has different criteria when choosing a donor. It's a very personal choice. For the initial search I entered:

• Height - Over 6 feet tall. I want to play the odds with height. I'm 5'6 with some Asian blood in me, so want to help up the odds on the height factor. 
• No Jewish ancestry. I'm not Jewish. I have friends that are Jewish and their heritage is very important to them. I wouldn't want to choose a donor with Jewish ancestry and not be able to provide that to my child. 
• Has available IUI vials. I want to make sure they have available vials to purchase now and possibly later (for a possible sibling). 
• Blue or Blue-Green or Brown-Green Eyes. This is a very personal preference. My dad has blue/green eyes. I have brown eyes. Would love to see if the genetic game would give my baby colored eyes. To be fair, I did look at donors that had different eye colors. But I was happy with the # of donors that were narrowed down by adding this criteria. Less donors to choose from = easier choices to make. 

Narrowing Down Choices

Then, once that was narrowed down, I searched the profiles: 

• No major allergies. I was surprised to see some donors have MAJOR allergies!!! I personally don't suffer from major food/plant allergies, but I know friends that do - and it sucks. Why risk it? 
• No diabetes. I carry that gene, so trying to help my baby by not choosing a donor that carries it. 
• Would prefer no strokes, no cancer (especially no breast cancer), no arthritis (my dad has this), no high blood pressure (my dad has this). This is a tough one. Family history is never unblemished where medical conditions are concerned. I also am weary of someone with a really "clean" family history (were they being honest on their profile?). One of my top donor choices had so much in the family medical history, that I didn't go with him. He was perfect in every other way, accept for this area. I think Medical History is so important, as I don't want my child to have a higher possibility of huge medical issues. 
• Proven donor. Meaning not choosing a donor that doesn't have any reported pregnancies. 

One criteria that I decided not to decide by is education... This was a tough one, because of course I would love for my child to be educated and go to college and be a super genius. However, I don't think that education level really reflects that. There are geniuses that never stepped foot on a campus and are very successful. I went to college with some idiots that were book smart, but not life-smart. So, I decided to leave this one out for this donor choice. All I really want for my kids is for them to be happy and to be good people.

Adding Blood Type to Criteria 

After I narrowed the donors from that list, there were still too many to choose from! So, I added my blood type into the mix. Figured, it wouldn't hurt to choose my same blood type. This further narrowed my search down to 2 potential donors. Between the two of them, they fit almost all the criteria above. Listening to their audio interviews was nice and I'm leaning towards one over the other. Before deciding, I emailed ESB to ask if there are additional pictures of both donors.

After I received the extra photos, it didn't really make it easier to choose! I went with my gut though and chose the donor that appealed to me more. I smiled while listening to his audio interview and his pictures made me smile as well. He also seemed a little more genuine on his answers / responses in the essay.

The Purchase

I decided to go with purchasing 1 (one) vial of donor sperm. If cycle #5 doesn't work, I'll purchase another vial of Donor #2 next month. He has plenty of vials available, so I'm not worried he would get sold out between now and then. If for some reason he does, I'll just go with my second choice for Cycle #6. Total Cost: $815. Want to know how much I've spent total in the process? Click here.

Now, the precious vial of baby-making sperm is on its way to my RE's office.

Expected delivery: 9/10/15.  

Fingers crossed that the one sperm that can inseminate one of my eggs is in that vial. 

IUI Cycle #5: And the Journey Continues, Baseline Ultrasound

I wish I could bottle up the enthusiasm and energy I had when I started this process in Cycle #1. I had so much optimism. I was also so worried about the "process," which is one reason I started to blog, to track and make sure I didn't mess anything up! Now, the process is so familiar that I can do it in my sleep (and often do - especially those trigger shots!). Even giving myself shots is like nothing. Who would've known?

I don't know if anyone is really reading my blog, but it's been very therapeutic for me to write throughout this process. It's been the one place I can complain and lay all my emotions out there. I would also hope that my journey can help someone else through their TTC journey... Everyone's path is different, but I know I've found some comfort in reading through other blogs.

I feel like I've grown so much during this process. I've been tested with all these "not this time" results. It's been an emotional roller coaster not knowing how each cycle will play out. The fertility medications have also been a challenge in navigating myself through the process. I've become very good at not letting Clomid get the better of me. I didn't foresee things playing out this way. This process almost feels like a test of endurance.

Now I'm here, Cycle FIVE. Number FIVE... I started this process in November 2014, so I've been on this path for much longer than 5 cycles - more like 10 months. <sigh> My eggs aren't getting any younger.

Although this process has been emotionally hard and although I've become hardened with the process, I am hopeful each and every cycle that it will be "the one". I've tried not to have any expectations for a cycle, but that doesn't work for me. I have to still want this, still hope for it, still believe it can happen.  If I am not optimistic, I know it'll be time to stop trying.

With all that: Let's GO Cycle #5! Let's make a Baby this month!!!! I almost feel like I'm in a competition and I have my game face on. I sometimes wish it was that simple to get pregnant and that pure determination can win the game.

The New Plan

It was mentioned (twice) during my visit that my infertility coverage will kick in after the 6th failed cycle... I'm glad my RE's office is on top of it. I really am... but it was a little sad to hear at the same time. The plan is:

• If cycle #5 doesn't work, go right into cycle #6. 
• Cycle #6, I'll have to re-do my CD3 bloodwork. Similar to when I started all the pre-testing in December. My bloodwork needs to be "recent" (within 6 months) for my insurance to approve the infertility benefits. This will get me ahead of the ball to jump right into IVF if Cycle #6 doesn't work. 
• During the TWW of Cycle#6, schedule the IVF consult with my RE.  
• Cycle #7, which would be IVF Cycle #1, we can jump right into the medication protocol for IVF. 

I love having plans. I really do. I am not looking at this as if I'm expecting Cycle #5 and/or Cycle #6 not to work. I am hopeful that they will. But at least there's a clear path towards IVF and there will be no lag time between cycles. 

Baseline Ultrasound

When I come in for my baseline ultrasound, my RE normally starts off by saying: "Sorry you're not pregnant." This time, he didn't say that (thank goodness!).

Good news: no cysts! Cycle is a GO. I have to admit, I was worried... I had pain in my ovaries during the TWW that I normally didn't have in other cycles. So, was worried that I somehow I got a cyst. So happy to hear.

Follicle Count:

• Right Ovary: 7-8 follicles
• Left Ovary: 5-6 follicles 

I couldn't help but think that if/when I move to IVF, that at least there is a good "starting point" for my follicles. There's so much to think about where IVF is concerned. There are so many options (ICSI, PGD testing, etc). I'm trying not to let my mind skip ahead and think about it too much. But I can't help it. I guess if cycle#6 becomes a reality, I'll basically be prepping for IVF. 

Same medication protocol as Cycle #3 and Cycle #4, just a change in the injectable brand:

• CD 3-7: Clomid (100 mg). 
• CD 8-10: FSH Injectable, Gonal-F (75 iu) 
• HCG Trigger Shot, Pregnyl (10,000 iu) 

My RE says I've reacted well to the stimulation protocol. But I worry that I haven't had success in those rounds, that maybe we should change it up. The issue is, it would costs me over a grand$ more to do straight injectables, which would be the only next logical step to get more aggressive. 

• Is it worth it if I'm stimulating well to the current medication protocol? But it hasn't worked. 
• If it hasn't worked, shouldn't we change something? 

My RE said changing it up won't improve the % chances and I might overstimulate if we move to a different protocol (which would lead to a cancelled cycle). I wish $ wasn't an issue... and I really don't want a canceled cycle.

Decisions-decisions. Something to think about if this cycle doesn't work and splurging for the extra time/money to change the medication protocol. Let's see. 

Next Steps: 

• Order Medications from the pharmacies 
• Purchase Donor Sperm 
• Mid-Cycle Ultrasound scheduled for 9/11/15 @ 2:45 p.m.