This IVF cycle is starting to feel "real" to me now. After my failed IVF cycle, I feel like I've been waiting an eternity to move forward. In the real world, it's been nearly 2 months. In TTC-land, that's a long-long-long time. Not to mention the last time I was able to actually try and get pregnant was IUI Cycle #6 in October, 4 months ago! An eternity ago in TTC-land.
I don't know what triggered the switch into "I'm going through IVF... Again." I think it's when I finally got a Green Light where it was determined the cyst was non-functioning. I knew since December that the cyst may cause a delay. I'm so grateful that it hasn't!
With the emotional roller coaster of being on fertility medications just a few short days away, I got really organized. It's what I do when there's nothing else that I can do :)
- I printed my IVF calendar and posted it on 3 places: my office, my bedroom, and the kitchen. That way I can visually see it in the places I inhabit the most and where I'm going to be taking my meds/shots.
- I organized my meds into 4 categories: supplies, stim-cycle, post-retrieval, and transfer. That way they don't get mixed up & it just was visually better for me. I have my trigger shot in its own Baggie, so it won't get mixed up with anything else.
- I added appointments on my calendar for my stim shots. I didn't do that last time, as I was only doing 1 injection/day and just used my Reminders app on my iPhone. This cycle, I'm doing 2 injections/day. They have to be 12 hours apart, so I can't screw it up. I'm going to do 9am/pm. I also wanted to make sure I didn't have any meeting conflicts, especially on weekends. This made it visually easier to see potential conflicts. And guess what: there ARE conflicts. The joy in it all. If I have to bring my shots with me on the road and inject in my car, then that's the way it's going to have to be.
That's all I could really do to prep... Luckily only 2 more days until I start Lupron.
Medication Order #2
- 1/29 - ordered Lupron with the pharmacy
- 2/1 - Pharmacy was SUPPOSED to call to confirm order, co-payment, and delivery. No call received. I did receive the confirmation email and text that it was getting shipped, so I didn't worry too much about it. I'll worry about any additional costs later. Not like I'm in a hurry to pay them more money.
- 2/2 - received my Lupron shipment. It is different then what it was for IVF Cycle #1, but probably because I'm on a different protocol.
Follow up Ultrasound
To drain or not to drain the cyst, that is the question. I received some GOOD news today. The cyst is gone. GONE. Not there anymore. I really didn't expect that. I was expecting the discussion on what the heck "draining the cyst" meant and what I would need to do. So, I was shocked - relieved - happy - when the RE said it wasn't there! Woohoo!
Feelings
Today, I started to think about my feelings. Where am I in all this? Since trying to have this baby for over a year, it's almost felt like a train ride that never ends - it just keeps going and going and going. Last week I was feeling numb and frustrated with the pricing and insurance coverage (or lack thereof).
There's just so much going on when your TTC. But there's so much MORE going on when you're doing IVF (vs IUI). It's so easy to focus on the process, on each step. My blog entries mostly focus on these steps. Partly because it helps me process what happened and partly so I don't miss a step - which could possibly screw up an entire cycle. It happened to me, when I missed my trigger shot for IUI #5.
I have a busy life and plenty to keep me occupied. From working full-time, to having my toddler son, to having my baby foster son (Munchkin), to having to take care of my house, to taking care of my dog, etc etc etc. We all have lists like this, right? Things that keep us busy. It's just so easy to ignore your feelings and be numb to my infertility. It's almost easier to get through things and roll with the inevitable punches when you're numb to it.
Back to the question: Where am I in all this emotionally?
Today I realized that I'm not numb to the process. I opened myself up to my inner thoughts. When I go to sleep at night, I imagine what it would feel like to actually have a positive pregnancy test. What it would feel like to be pregnant. How I would prepare my son to expect a new baby brother/sister. I imagine how life can totally change for all of us in the Family C household. I try to imagine that feeling of it finally happening. It's on my mind almost all the time. When I see a newborn baby, when I see siblings playing, when I see a pregnant woman. Not that it hinders my day-to-day, it's more like it lingers in the background following me around.
After my appointment today when I was getting dressed, I said a quick prayer to God and get teary eyed. Things are finally moving along...
I don't have much control over this process or how my body will respond to the new stimulation protocol. But I'm 100% in it. I can't say I'm "excited"... I'm actually kind of scared. Scared that it's going to fail again. That the things that I imagine, a future with Baby C, will never happen. I'm scared that I won't be able to try again because of the financial burden. I worry that I'll have to give up on my TTC journey.
At the same time... wouldn't it be such a wonderful blessing if it actually worked this time...! I feel like my heart could explode just thinking about it!
The feelings thinking both ways can be so overwhelming. So, if I focus a lot on the "process" and less on my "emotions" - it's because of the weight of either scenario playing out. The only thing I can really control in all of this is nothing. Absolutely nothing. All I can do is make sure I follow my protocol and that I'm doing everything correctly. Then, Fingers Crossed.
Still hoping and praying I'll get to meet my Baby C at the end of all this.
Next Steps:
Feelings
Today, I started to think about my feelings. Where am I in all this? Since trying to have this baby for over a year, it's almost felt like a train ride that never ends - it just keeps going and going and going. Last week I was feeling numb and frustrated with the pricing and insurance coverage (or lack thereof).
There's just so much going on when your TTC. But there's so much MORE going on when you're doing IVF (vs IUI). It's so easy to focus on the process, on each step. My blog entries mostly focus on these steps. Partly because it helps me process what happened and partly so I don't miss a step - which could possibly screw up an entire cycle. It happened to me, when I missed my trigger shot for IUI #5.
I have a busy life and plenty to keep me occupied. From working full-time, to having my toddler son, to having my baby foster son (Munchkin), to having to take care of my house, to taking care of my dog, etc etc etc. We all have lists like this, right? Things that keep us busy. It's just so easy to ignore your feelings and be numb to my infertility. It's almost easier to get through things and roll with the inevitable punches when you're numb to it.
Back to the question: Where am I in all this emotionally?
Today I realized that I'm not numb to the process. I opened myself up to my inner thoughts. When I go to sleep at night, I imagine what it would feel like to actually have a positive pregnancy test. What it would feel like to be pregnant. How I would prepare my son to expect a new baby brother/sister. I imagine how life can totally change for all of us in the Family C household. I try to imagine that feeling of it finally happening. It's on my mind almost all the time. When I see a newborn baby, when I see siblings playing, when I see a pregnant woman. Not that it hinders my day-to-day, it's more like it lingers in the background following me around.
After my appointment today when I was getting dressed, I said a quick prayer to God and get teary eyed. Things are finally moving along...
I don't have much control over this process or how my body will respond to the new stimulation protocol. But I'm 100% in it. I can't say I'm "excited"... I'm actually kind of scared. Scared that it's going to fail again. That the things that I imagine, a future with Baby C, will never happen. I'm scared that I won't be able to try again because of the financial burden. I worry that I'll have to give up on my TTC journey.
At the same time... wouldn't it be such a wonderful blessing if it actually worked this time...! I feel like my heart could explode just thinking about it!
The feelings thinking both ways can be so overwhelming. So, if I focus a lot on the "process" and less on my "emotions" - it's because of the weight of either scenario playing out. The only thing I can really control in all of this is nothing. Absolutely nothing. All I can do is make sure I follow my protocol and that I'm doing everything correctly. Then, Fingers Crossed.
Still hoping and praying I'll get to meet my Baby C at the end of all this.
Next Steps:
- Thursday, February 4: Start Lupron 20u 2x's a day
- Saturday, February 6: Start Stims
For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.
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