FET #1 (Cycle 9): Still not Pregnant

I'm 9dp5dFET on my NINTH cycle and still NOT pregnant.

To date, this was probably the most bitter I've been during the TWW. So-so-so bitter. A little bit angry as well. I just can't believe I'm still here, still trying, and nothing has worked. IUI's didn't work and now IVF isn't working. Will I ever have a baby? Very frustrated. Very sad. Thoughts swirling in my mind on: when do I call it quits?

Early Testing:

I decided to test early and often this cycle. It fulfills the POAS-a-holic in me. No HCG trigger with a FET means no false positive, which is nice. I used two different tests:

1) Clincial Guard (CG). This is an Internet cheapie, similar to Wondfo. I wasn't happy with Wondfo when I used them for my IUI's. So decided to try a new brand. Clinical Gaurd has a sensitivity of 25 miu. They worked pretty good. 

2) First Response Early Results (FRER). These are supposedly more sensitive. I haven't used a FRER for awhile since I kept getting negatives. Supposedly these are the most sensitive tests on the market reading as low as 6.5 miu. 

How my testing went:

4dpt - HPT CG: Negative. I knew it was early to test, but couldn't help myself. I was so good about waiting to test on IVF #2, that I just needed to test more this FET. This is when I decided to order FRER tests, since it detects lower HCG levels. 

5dpt - HPT CG: Negative. Might still be early to test... But starting to really have doubts it worked. 

6dpt - HPT CG: Negative. Real doubts of another negative cycle are becoming a reality. Starting to consider next steps if this FET doesn't work. 

7dpt - HPT FRER: Negative.  In my mind, the cycle is over & it didn't work. It was the whitest test EVER. Suckiest part - I still have to take ALL my meds including the *f-ing PIO. Boo! 

8dpt - Decided not to test. What's the point? 

9dpt - Woke up at 2am and decided to test on the FRER as a long shot. What did I see? The faintest of faintest lines. I almost didn't see it and was about to go back to sleep with my sleepy eyes. You can barely see it in the picture, but IRL it's a little more visible.

I haven't had a positive on a test since IUI #1 where I had a false positive (probably from my trigger shot). So, I decided to test on the CG and get a Negative. This had me wondering: 

• The FRER was defective. 
• Maybe my HCG is really low, must be under 25 miu if the CG couldn't pick up a positive. FRERs are more sensitive. 
• It also gave me a little bit of HOPE that maybe - just maybe - this cycle worked. Which is horrible, because it didn't... and I had to wait all day for the Beta test to confirm. 

This is probably the only time where I've tested and I wish I hadn't... The wait between my 2am POAS escapades and my Beta Test results which came back at 3pm felt like a life time. 

Beta Results: Big Fat Negative.

Yet another BFN........ 

I'm thinking I am totally adverse to early testing now. A line on a FRER is normally golden, no matter how faint it is. I was already accepting this cycle didn't work and that damn FRER had me thinking maybe it worked. Ugh. 

I don't have many words right now. I have to say, I wasn't shocked it didn't work. I didn't cry (yet). I am just angry. I'm so upset that I keep putting my body through all of this & the result is always the same. It's almost like it's pointless to keep going... But it can't be right? There still has to be hope somewhere? Ugh. I'll post a more thorough depressing entry later after I'm able to process through my feelings better. Right now, I'm just mad and upset and frustrated. 

The good about the cycle not working: 

1. I get to stop those horrible PIO shots. 
2. I get to stop the yucky Vaginal Estrace (blue-green discharge is gross!). 
3. I get to drink coffee again. Haven't had coffee in forever...!!! First cup will be in the morning and I can't wait! 

Got to look on the bright side of things, right? 

My WTF Consult for FET #1 is next Wednesday, May 4th. It sounds like my RE wants me to wait a little bit to try again, let my body get back to normal and sort out my emotions. Need to think about next steps. Just not right this second. Instead, I'm thinking about that cup of coffee I'll have in the morning that I'll savor with homemade pancakes, sausage, and eggs. 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

Jobbing: 7 weeks unemployed + a Job Offer!!!

If you've been following my unemployment story and my job hunt, it hasn't been an easy road. On my update last week (week 6), I gave a breakdown down of the companies I've interviewed for. Here's an update:

Company #3: (the job I really want!) has given me a job offer!!!

Company #5: I have a scheduled interview with Company #5 for next week - I actually passed their Hirevue screening process (I was shocked!).

Back to the offer. I could say that I felt "confident" that I would get an offer... but I wasn't. It *looked* like they were leaning that way, as you don't go through 3 rounds of interviews if they're not interested in you! But when Monday came and I hadn't hear back... I began to worry.

Then Tuesday came around and still no call... until I received a late call from the HR Recruiter. She wanted to make sure that I haven't accepted any offers and what my salary requirements were.

OK.... so this whole job-hunting thing, I haven't even THOUGHT about getting to the point of salary negotiations. I've never had to salary negotiate before and I haven't researched it. I guess I should have... So, I was like "I'd be happy just to get an offer." Ugh. Totally cut my negotiating power right there! But what was interesting about the Recruiter is that me being a foster parent just slipped out during our conversation. Apparently she's interested in being a foster parent and asked me a bunch of questions about it. Totally side-tracking from the job offer / information. She told me that she would get back to me today after she negotiated my salary with the hiring manager. She also emailed me all the benefits information for medical/insurance/vacation/leave, etc.

I heard back from her earlier today and the salary being offered is pretty generous... I was shocked at how much they were offering me. It was more than I was making at my previous position (significantly) and more than any of the other jobs I interviewed for have offered me (most of the jobs have been a major pay cut). Right now my tentative start date is: 5/23!!! EEEK!!

I'm still going through paperwork and finalizing everything... but it's pretty much a done deal!

I have to tell you... when I was laid off, I cried a little - but I didn't let myself get consumed in depression/sadness over it. Instead I focused on finding a job. After I hung up with the recruiter and she gave me the info on the salary & start date ---- I was jumping up and down with major tears running down my face!!! I couldn't stop crying and thanking God. It's such a blessing to be given a job offer and a GOOD job offer at that. It's just amazing... all I could think about was "Now I can continue to provide for my family" and "we'll be ok."

I know I've only been laid off for 7 weeks... and there are people that take longer to find jobs. I was terrified that I would be one of those people not able to find a job in 6 months... or a year...  of more... I have absolutely no one I could rely on to help me out if something like that were to happen. Once my severance package ended, I would have been screwed. If I took unemployment, it wouldn't even cover half my bills. There was the potential to lose my house, my car, maybe even file for bankruptcy. It would've been that bad for me... This was "worse case scenario" thinking, but it was a total reality of where things would have led me if I couldn't find a job. I seriously have no family that could or would help me out. It's all on me. Which I never minded before... I'm pretty independent and comfortable with that. But now I have a son. A son I need to provide for, who relies on me and me alone.

That burden, that fear -- was sitting on my shoulders since I was laid off. That's why I was so determined and really hit the ground running the day of my layoff. I couldn't risk that worse case scenario from happening.... I just couldn't. I didn't want to put my son through that or not be able to provide for him. I didn't want to fail him. We just became a Forever Family... I had to do all I could do to make sure I could provide for him.

Now, having an actual job offer is such a relief... I will have financial security again. I will be able to provide for my family. The worse case scenario won't happen.

I am actually not even going to let myself feel too comfortable until all the new employee paperwork is competed. I just won't feel like it's a "for sure" thing until then. You know?

I have an interview scheduled next week with Company #5... I'm not going to cancel it until I complete all the pre-employment paperwork. It's my contingency. plan... It's a good job as well - so don't want to lose this opportunity if something were to happen with Company #3 during pre-employment paperwork. I don't see that happening... but you never know! Better safe than sorry until it's all finalized.

But man... things are looking up for sure! Praying that all goes well with paperwork and I can start to truly feel comfortable. Maybe I'll start sleeping better? Since the layoff I haven't slept very well.

Fingers crossed that this truly is IT!

Jobbing Updates: by the numbers 

• Submitted Applications: 34
• Call Backs: 3
• Email Confirmations (meet qualifications): 1
• Video Screening Request: 1
• Interviews: 4 (1 scheduled)
• Denial/Role Filled/Cancelled - Emails: 14
• OFFERS!!!! 1 

FET #1 (Cycle 9): TWW + B/W 5dp5dFET

Fatigue - check 

Moody - check 

Cramping - check 

Sore injection sites - check 

Bloating - check 

Emotional - check

I must be in another TWW... Oh joy. Here's how it's gone so far. 

PIO shots have become a pain, literally. I don't know what's different this cycle, but I am so easy to bruise and the injection sites are so sore. Not to mention the actual injections have not been easy at all. I was so spoiled during IVF #2, they came so much easier. This is no fun... There were 2x's where blood was in the syringe after I injected. I didn't see any blood when I checked (pulled out after inserting & before injecting m). Nurse says it's nothing to worry about. So odd that this didn't happen at all during IVF #2. PIO = not my friend. It is also painful to wear my jeans, as they sit right on the injection site. Ugh. 

I have extremely sensitive BB's... Sorry if it's TMI, but they really hurt! I blame it on the progrsterone as this started happening 2dpt and no way I would have symptoms that early. Not that it stopped me from googling about it! 

Uterine cramping began 3dpt, having me fear the worse -- that this cycle didn't work (again). Trying to store those fears away - but it's so darn hard. 

I'm so overly emotional. I even fight tears when I look at my embie's picture. Just wanting so bad for my embie to implant and grow into a little person. Then I worry that my embie didn't fully expand into the uterine cavity prior to the transfer. Supposedly that leads to lower success rates. Google during the TWW is not your friend. There should be a warning or something.

4 more days until Beta Test. I have moments where I'm completely convinced this cycle didn't work. Then moments where I think, "What if it does?" Right now the "I don't think it worked" thoughts are winning. 

Had my blood work done today: 

E2: 481.4

Progesterone: >40

Portal Mesage: no medication changes 

Guess it's good that there are no med changes and that my levels are where they want it to be. This FET cycle overall has been much easier on me (besides the pesky PIO shots). 

Now the countdown 4-3-2-1... Until I know definitively if my embie implanted. 

Last Step this Cycle: 

• 4/29/16: Beta Test

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

Foster License Renewal

It's a strange thing, I've identified myself as a proud single "Foster Parent" for almost 5 years now (but since starting MAPP class - have been on this journey for closer to 6 years). There have been many times in these past years where I've wanted to stop fostering or wondered when the time would come that I would need to stop.

Right now, I'm going through my foster license renewal and: I feel like stopping.

Warning: this is a bit of a rant post. 

Over the years there have been many changes to the foster care system and the foster parent renewal procedures. This year, my State implemented some Foster Parent Changes in Licensing Procedures, adding additional mandatory training: Car Seat Training, First Aid Training, and a 3-hour "Reasonable and Prudent Parenting" Training. They also made stricter guidelines to the Life-Safety Home Inspection.

There are already a lot of requirements in order to maintain your license. There is absolutely NO PRIVACY when you're a foster parent. If you go see a therapist, you need to disclose that and even sign away your rights to privacy, giving the state permission to view your records with your therapist if they want to. There are health disclosures and even having a Physician Statement to say you're in good health. This is where I got annoyed during this renewal period...

Since I'm going through IVF, I'm on a bunch of medication. Well, I had to disclose that and my physician included it on the disclosure. My Licensing Worker (LW) inquired about the medication asking, "Are these for fertility treatments?"

As a caveat, I'm in my TWW for my FET#1 -- so I'm overly emotional at the moment.

So, when my LW inquired into my medications and had to be all up in my business on them having to KNOW that I'm doing fertility treatments -- it pissed me off! Why does the State have to know that I'm on fertility treatments? Why is it any of their business? It's not like I'm doing illegal drugs or doing anything shady. It's not like fertility treatments impact my judgement/capability as a foster parent. I'm trying to have a baby for goodness sake. As if infertility wasn't such a hard thing for me to discuss in the first place, now I have to have it on record with the State in order to maintain my foster license.

It just makes me so angry. Here I am, being a foster parent for 5 years now, having absolutely all my business and family history violated. Which was difficult disclosing all my family drama ON PAPER for the RECORD, back when I was first licensed. Of course I even had to disclose to them that I was laid off from my job and provide all my severance information. Now, that I'm doing fertility treatments - all of that's going to be on there. It's just a bit much right now.

Yeah, yeah. I know. Signing up to be a foster parent and being a foster parent for this long, I went into it knowing what the requirements were and how much I was going to have to disclose. So it's not unexpected or a surprise... But disclosing the fertility treatments... it hurts. For women that suffer from infertility, it's not an easy topic to discuss (I plan to get into that more on a different post). It feels likes such a personal violation to have that "on the record."

I don't have any choice but to renew my foster license right now because I still have Munchkin. But once he leaves, I am seriously considering closing my license for good. Which feels good and bad at the same time. I love being a foster parent. I just don't love the process of all these disclosures (even though I totally get why it's necessary in some cases). But there has to be a LINE somewhere. A line where foster parents can still have some iota of privacy. Having absolutely no privacy and all your personal business out there just sucks. I think it's starting to take a toll on me after all these years.

Additionally, with all these changes in my life -- being a foster parent might just not be the right choice going forward. Have to see how things play out with Munchkin's case and then deal with closing my license after he leaves.

Just to add, I sometimes think it would be such a relief to close my license. It would be so great to not have to follow the life-safety home inspection rules (keep my vitamins in my medicine cabinet vs locked up), not to have people coming in/out of my home every month, to have my water temperature where I want it to be, and to not have to disclose every little thing about my personal life to the government.

Jobbing: 6 weeks unemployed

Quick update on my job hunt. Week 5 of job hunting was disappointing. I received so many rejection emails in the one week and not ONE call back. I also am having a harder time finding positions that I meet the qualifications for. Then, I received a request for additional interviews from the "Big interview" I mentioned in my last update. Total, I've heard back from 5 companies on moving forward:

Company #1: received email that I qualify for the position (3/16), but still have not heard back on next steps. PENDING

Company #2: Interviewed (3/21) but was not offered the position. They asked that they could keep my resume on file. NO OFFER

Company #3: The job I really want! Had Round 1 interviews (4/5). Then had Round 2 interviews (4/14) with 3 senior executives. Then had a Round 3 phone interview (4/18) with the HEAD GUY! Heard back from the hiring manager saying they'll have a decision next week. Really hoping for this one! PENDING

Company #4: Had interview (4/6). Haven't heard back. PENDING

Company #5: Received email to do a Hirevue interview (4/17). Completed interview (4/19). I think I totally bombed this! It's such a strange format. They ask you 3 questions, you have 30 seconds to read the questions, then 3 minutes to answer it. The questions that were asked were odd and not really directly related to the position - so I didn't anticipate them. Not sure I'll make it past the impersonal video interview. PENDING

That's about it. More rejections vs moving forward. I really want the job with Company #3 and am hoping to get an offer next week. If I don't get an offer, I'm going to start reaching out to temp agencies/head hunters. There's not many jobs left I can apply for that my qualifications meet... I need to also start thinking outside the box on where I have transferable skills. Maybe temping will get me a foot in the door at a good company?

Guess will wait and see. Still waiting to hear back from a few more companies on my outstanding applications. Can't believe companies take so long to screen candidate resumes.

Feeling a little down on the job hunting front. I really would like to receive an offer or get more interviews than what I'm getting. It's frustrating. I'm doing my best not to let myself feel too down on the situation and keep moving forward.  Let's see...

Jobbing Updates: by the numbers 

• Submitted Applications: 29
• Call Backs: 3
• Email Confirmations (meet qualifications): 1
• Video Screening Request: 1
• Interviews: 3 
• Denial/Role Filled/Cancelled - Emails: 14

FET #1 (Cycle 9): Transfer Day!

Today I had my FET. One 5-day frozen blastocyst was transferred back home. Here's a picture of my embryo. They did assisted hatching and you can see where it's coming out already. 

The transfer experience was similar to my IVF #2 experience, so I won't get into too much details. The only difference this time is one of my friends came into the transfer room with me. It was nice to share that experience with someone and maybe get some positive juju for my embie to stick.

It's weird how "normal" doing all this IVF stuff is. Even the transfer, it was like business-as-usual. I was pretty emotional today when the embryo was placed in, I almost cried. But other than knowing my embie is home right now, I don't feel any different.

I'm actually hoping I can keep my mind off of it and not stress out too much during the TWW. All I can do right now is pray and hope and pray some more. There's nothing else that can be done. Now, I wait and see...

Next Steps:

• 4/25/16: Blood work to check Progesterone and E2 levels. 
• 4/29/16: Beta Test 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

FET #1 (Cycle 9): Day before the transfer

I have my Frozen Embryo Transfer tomorrow. I'm planning on transferring one 5-day blastocyst with assisted hatching. I am a little concerned about what's going to happen with thawing it. There's a 95% survival rate at my clinic, so I shouldn't worry too much. When I had to complete the paperwork, I gave them permission to keep thawing if one doesn't survive. Fingers crossed the one they thaw survives for transfer. I don't want to risk my other 2. 

Since my transfer has been confirmed, I've been really focused on this FET cycle. I think it also has to do with the hormones... I'm so out of whack. Hot flashes from PIO, short-tempered, tired. I keep thinking that I wish trying to have a baby wasn't so hard on my mood or my body. All these medications, it can be a bit much at times. Not only is TTC with infertility stressful without the meds, adding the meds into the mixture just puts everything askew. 

I woke up this morning in a panic on the thought of, "What do I do if this FET doesn't work?" Yeah, I know I shouldn't be thinking about it NOT working... but remember this is my NINTH cycle and NONE of them have worked. So yes, I have to think of the possibility (as much as I really HOPE it will work). 

I think I've decided that if this FET doesn't work, that I'm going to do a fresh cycle in June. My insurance coverage will still be covering me with my severance package. I'll probably do a freeze-all and test the embryos (if I have more than 5). I hope I don't actually have to move forward with yet another IVF fresh cycle and my little baby embryo will stick. But... I think it'll be my best option in that scenario. 

<sigh> I wish I could be super excited about this transfer. I am and I'm not. 

Before the transfer there's all this hope and excitement for it to work. After the transfer, there's a "glowing" feeling from having an actual embryo back home. Then, I feel like it's a countdown to another BFN... The dreaded TWW is no joke. Not having any luck in my last 8 cycles... I just wish I had more positive thoughts that "This will work!" 

The embryologist called this morning to confirm my transfer times for tomorrow. She actually said she was surprised the first embryo didn't take. She also said that I have good embryos and she hopes that this next one will work. She's so sweet and nice. She also let me know that she'll call me if my embryo doesn't survive the thaw, so I'm not worried all day. If I don't hear back from her = good news, it survived the thaw. If I hear back from her = bad news, embryo didn't survive the thaw. 

I'm thinking if this cycle doesn't work and with my embryos being good quality. That maybe I should have testing done to see if maybe my uterus prevents implantation for some reason. Another bridge to cross if I get there... So much to think about and consider... 

I'm really hoping #9 is the one and that my little 5-day blast will attach and grow. It would be so absolutely wonderful to have my world changed in 9 months. 

Praying, hoping, and wishing for my embryo to thaw successfully, for a smooth transfer, and to get good news after the TWW.