IUI Cycle #2: Beta Test Result and Cycle #2 Postmortem

Went in for my blood work this morning (Beta test). I absolutely hate having my blood drawn. It was bitter because I know it's going to come back negative. Then to top that off, they couldn't find a vein in my left arm (my normal arm that is usually successful). So, I got stuck once there and she was "searching" around for the vein -- ouch!! Then, got stuck a second time in my right arm (usually not successful) -- that one worked. Ugh. Have I mentioned how much I hate needles :(

The Beta Results 

Received the call from my RE's clinic at 1:45pm. As expected, the Beta test came back negative. Although I knew to expect it, it still stings. It's hard to express in words how I feel. I'll try though...

In a way I feel defeated. I feel like I'll never see two lines on those stupid pregnancy tests! It feels like it will never happen. Like never - ever - happen. I know this was only my second try... and the IUI success rates go up with the third and forth try...  But knowing the stats doesn't make me feel better. I knew going into this that it might take a few tries. However, absolutely nothing can really prepare you for getting a NOT THIS TIME, YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT result.

It hurts. Each cycle there's so much hope, so much possibility for such a huge life changing event --> pregnancy. Creating life. Building my family. Then all the disappointment for this potential little person that could've been born in 9 months... all the hope squashed. Not this time. Not right now.

I think it hurts so bad in part because I really thought and believed that this cycle was going to work! I felt really good about it. Everything was perfect: nice follicle - good sperm count. There were days where I really believed "this is it!" that it was actually happening this time. The day of the IUI, I remember laying there with this certainty that this would be a successful cycle. I don't know where all that certainty came from, but obviously my instincts were wrong! Which also what sucks about the whole thing. You want to be positive and optimistic. Yet, you want to "prepare" for the worse. Really? How can you be positive and negative at the same time? Impossible. No "preparation" for a failed cycle helps you when you get the negative test.

Doubts 

Even though I've only had 2 cycles of IUI, I've been actively planning since November 2014 - half a year now. There has been so much I've put into TTC, love - hope - promise - time. It's almost like I've built this potential future in my head. With each failed cycle, the fear builds in my mind that this future -- the one with Baby C -- may never happen. It may never come to fruition. That thought scares me and I try not to say it out loud because I don't want to put that out there in the universe... But it lingers in the back of my mind that this dream, that this family I hope and pray so much for, may never become reality.

So, here I am at the end of Cycle #2 feeling miserable. I'll pull myself together and bring all that positivity back. But right now, I'm just letting myself feel the loss. Feel the loss of the dream of Cycle #2 being a success.

Plan A, B, maybe a C? 

TTC can be such a stressful thing because there is no guarantee at the end of all this that you'll get the baby you've dreamed about. The hardest part about being a Single Mother by Choice (SMC) is that in order to just GET here -- to start TTC and have a baby on my own -- I had to give up my other "dream" -- Plan A: getting married, having 2.5 kids, white picket fence, etc. I'm working on Plan B: pursuing being a SMC through donor sperm. Now, the thought of Plan B not working is terrifying... especially since it took me so long to let go of Plan A. I'm not giving up on TTC just yet or on Plan B... but the question lingers on the back of my head, "When should I stop trying?" Should I start mentally preparing for a Plan C?

Looking at the Positive 

Life off of progesterone is soooo good!!!! I stopped the progesterone on Sunday, so I've been off of it for two days now. I already have so much more energy! I'm more productive. I'm able to stay up past 8pm! I don't feel fatigued. My house kind of got in the "messy" state the last week of the TWW. I was just too tired to do anything. I was more productive the last two days than I was the last two weeks! Feels good to feel "normal" again. This is one reason I am not a proponent of drugs, even if prescribed. They just mess with you. However, I am aware that taking fertility drugs is my best chance of getting pregnant... so I'm stuck with it until I'm successful (or decide to move to Plan C - whatever that looks like).

My Light

Then there's the light. What is positive and wonderful about life... is that Little Guy has been extra sweet with me and cuddling with me. It's like he knew I needed that extra love and attention. Such a sweetheart. I am so blessed to have him in my life. I love him so much. The trial on his case is tomorrow -- which is another stress factor. But hopefully it'll go well and it won't be a stress factor anymore and will instead be the next step in moving towards adoption.

Luckily we have our vacation to Hawaii to look forward to! A week with just Little Guy and me. It's going to be wonderful. On the bright side of things -- at least I can drink while I'm in Hawaii!

Moving onto the next TTC hope... Cycle #3 in July. Let's hope for Lucky #3!

Next steps in TTC:

1. I scheduled a consult with my RE to talk about the medication protocol. Also to ask about IVF... not that I'm going to be moving to IVF now... but I want to find out if they'll even treat me (with my BMI) - in case I need to look elsewhere or need to put TTC on hold (if I have 6 failed IUI's). Scheduled for 6/15/15 @ 3pm. 
2. Take June off due to travel schedule -- Hawaii and California! 
3. Start back up in July for IUI Cycle #3.