The funny thing about the TWW... Week #1, there's all this optimism.
- "This is It!"
- "This can happen!"
- "I think it's happening right now!"
- Imagining the BFP on that HPT (home pregnancy test)
8dpIUI (5/19)
Some new symptoms (to add to the list): some cramping, a little dizziness, & I'm running "colder" than normal -- then will get really hot, all in spurts. I also have some sensitivity in my BB's (sorry if that's TMI! Just tracking! LOL).
POAS-A-Thon: When doing fertility drugs it gets complicated testing early for a pregnancy test. They tell you NOT to test early. "It's only a few more days till Beta." Yeah... let me tell you, during the TWW those "few more days" feel like an eternity just waiting to know!
Yesterday, I started testing out my Pregnyl HCG Trigger Shot using the Wondfo pregnancy tests. I'm going to stick with the same brand, as different brands have different HCG sensitivities (learned that during Cycle#1 TWW!).
The theory is, test with FMU (first morning urine) until I get a "negative" test. Right now, I should test positive because the HCG Trigger puts the pregnancy hormone into my body. The "positive" line should fade every day. Once it is completed faded -- the HCG Trigger is out of my system. IF the positive line starts getting DARKER, then it *can* be a "true positive" test.
Let the Testing Trigger POAS (pee on a stick) Days commence! Last cycle, the line went away after CD 11. Today, the line was fainter than it was yesterday - could barely see it. I looked up the HCG "sensitivity" of the Wondfo and it's at 25. So, at least I know the Trigger shot HCG levels are decreasing. Maybe it'll be totally gone tomorrow?
9dpIUI (5/20) No new symptoms to add to the list (Thank Goodness!). Can I get any more side effects to progesterone... sheesh.
Secret Thoughts: I'm starting to have doubts this cycle worked. Like REAL doubts. I'm starting to think that I only have 2 vials left of my sperm donor... I originally was hoping to be successful early, so that I can save the vials for a sibling down the road (or at least have an option for it). My donor is sold out... I checked. So, there's no guarantee that if I'm successful that I'll have enough vials left to try for a sibling.
I know, worried about having a second - when I'm still working on TTC my first... but it is something I was really interested in doing, or at least have the option of doing. I suppose I could always use a new donor for a sibling... it's just not ideal.
Then I keep thinking that if I have 4 failed cycles, I'll have to spend another couple grand on a new donor. <sigh> I already have my second choice lined up... but I might look around more and maybe go through a different sperm bank to have more options. Will cross that road when it comes to that.
Anyways. The doubts are bouncing around my head like a ping pong. :(
POAS-A-Thon: Line is VERY light today. Barely there, had to really look for it. Looks more like a shadow at this juncture, which is good!
10dpIUI (5/21) Today I started getting small pangs in my right ovary area? A little bit like AF cramping. Is AF coming? She's not due for another week...
Today is the absolute worse day thus far of the TWW...! I am so tempted to test on a FRER... so, so tempted!! I was going to go out and buy some more yesterday... But I'm scared I'll get this silly picture if I did! The one-line monster. It's so weird how all your hopes/dreams can be dashed by seeing only the control line on a HPT.
Secret Thoughts: Still thinking that this cycle is a bust :( Trying not to put it out there in the universe, but it's circling around in my brain that my next cycle won't be until July!! Feels like forever away. I have to skip June because of my travel schedule. I try to self talk and say "I am pregnant" -- but that's hard to swallow because there's a strong likelihood that I'm not. Only a 20% chance it worked, making 80% chance it didn't work. <sigh> TTC woes.
POAS-A-Thon: Today my Wonfo was defective. There was a strong/pink line in the wrong place. Luckily I've read about the Wondfo already and knew that there was a possibility some could be defective. This one obviously was. I am pretty sure my trigger shot is gone by now though. That's a good thing.
11dpIUI (5/22)
POAS-A-Thon: I tested on a FRER today...!! I know, I should have waited for tomorrow, but I couldn't help myself! POAS-a-holic here! No self control. Seriously. It was negative. Like stark white - no squinter. So, I'm thinking I'm out this cycle and that I'm not pregnant... I have to admit, I cried pretty hard. I thought I could handle it, that I prepared myself for a negative. But "knowing" it didn't work hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't even think my first IUI Cycle I cried this hard or felt this disappointed. I guess I really thought this one would work....
This journey is hard. The disappointment of a negative test are the worse. At this point, I can't even imagine seeing two lines on a HPT! It's like this mythical thing that will never happen. <sigh> I'll test again tomorrow, just to be sure. I'm back and forth on how to stay positive through all of this. For one, you want to be positive that it "can" happen. But then you don't want to set yourself up for a big fall, right? Where's the happy median?
12dpIUI (5/23)
POAS-A-Thon: Another BFN when testing this morning, pretty sure I'm out this month. Ugh. Going to schedule an appointment with my RE to discuss my protocol and see if we can get more aggressive, maybe start using injectables or switch to Femera (instead of Clomid)? Will see. It's more upsetting that I have to skip June! Delaying things even further... So disappointed.
13dpIUI (5/24)
POAS-A-Thon: still BFN. Getting AF cramps like last time. Stopped the progesterone today.
14dpIUI (5/25)
The end of the dreaded TWW is over. Beta test is tomorrow to confirm that I'm not pregnant. It would be nice to end the TWW with a POSITIVE pregnancy test! Alas, it's not this time... Cycle #2 was a bust. 43.2 million sperm couldn't do the job or my egg was not good quality... No way to know for sure.
POAS-A-Thon: still BFN. Guess it's official...
I wish I could live by this quote! <sigh>
"Blessed is he who expects nothing,
for he shall never be disappointed."
-Alexander Pope
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