FET #1 (Cycle 9): Still not Pregnant

I'm 9dp5dFET on my NINTH cycle and still NOT pregnant.

To date, this was probably the most bitter I've been during the TWW. So-so-so bitter. A little bit angry as well. I just can't believe I'm still here, still trying, and nothing has worked. IUI's didn't work and now IVF isn't working. Will I ever have a baby? Very frustrated. Very sad. Thoughts swirling in my mind on: when do I call it quits?

Early Testing:

I decided to test early and often this cycle. It fulfills the POAS-a-holic in me. No HCG trigger with a FET means no false positive, which is nice. I used two different tests:

1) Clincial Guard (CG). This is an Internet cheapie, similar to Wondfo. I wasn't happy with Wondfo when I used them for my IUI's. So decided to try a new brand. Clinical Gaurd has a sensitivity of 25 miu. They worked pretty good. 

2) First Response Early Results (FRER). These are supposedly more sensitive. I haven't used a FRER for awhile since I kept getting negatives. Supposedly these are the most sensitive tests on the market reading as low as 6.5 miu. 

How my testing went:

4dpt - HPT CG: Negative. I knew it was early to test, but couldn't help myself. I was so good about waiting to test on IVF #2, that I just needed to test more this FET. This is when I decided to order FRER tests, since it detects lower HCG levels. 

5dpt - HPT CG: Negative. Might still be early to test... But starting to really have doubts it worked. 

6dpt - HPT CG: Negative. Real doubts of another negative cycle are becoming a reality. Starting to consider next steps if this FET doesn't work. 

7dpt - HPT FRER: Negative.  In my mind, the cycle is over & it didn't work. It was the whitest test EVER. Suckiest part - I still have to take ALL my meds including the *f-ing PIO. Boo! 

8dpt - Decided not to test. What's the point? 

9dpt - Woke up at 2am and decided to test on the FRER as a long shot. What did I see? The faintest of faintest lines. I almost didn't see it and was about to go back to sleep with my sleepy eyes. You can barely see it in the picture, but IRL it's a little more visible.

I haven't had a positive on a test since IUI #1 where I had a false positive (probably from my trigger shot). So, I decided to test on the CG and get a Negative. This had me wondering: 

• The FRER was defective. 
• Maybe my HCG is really low, must be under 25 miu if the CG couldn't pick up a positive. FRERs are more sensitive. 
• It also gave me a little bit of HOPE that maybe - just maybe - this cycle worked. Which is horrible, because it didn't... and I had to wait all day for the Beta test to confirm. 

This is probably the only time where I've tested and I wish I hadn't... The wait between my 2am POAS escapades and my Beta Test results which came back at 3pm felt like a life time. 

Beta Results: Big Fat Negative.

Yet another BFN........ 

I'm thinking I am totally adverse to early testing now. A line on a FRER is normally golden, no matter how faint it is. I was already accepting this cycle didn't work and that damn FRER had me thinking maybe it worked. Ugh. 

I don't have many words right now. I have to say, I wasn't shocked it didn't work. I didn't cry (yet). I am just angry. I'm so upset that I keep putting my body through all of this & the result is always the same. It's almost like it's pointless to keep going... But it can't be right? There still has to be hope somewhere? Ugh. I'll post a more thorough depressing entry later after I'm able to process through my feelings better. Right now, I'm just mad and upset and frustrated. 

The good about the cycle not working: 

1. I get to stop those horrible PIO shots. 
2. I get to stop the yucky Vaginal Estrace (blue-green discharge is gross!). 
3. I get to drink coffee again. Haven't had coffee in forever...!!! First cup will be in the morning and I can't wait! 

Got to look on the bright side of things, right? 

My WTF Consult for FET #1 is next Wednesday, May 4th. It sounds like my RE wants me to wait a little bit to try again, let my body get back to normal and sort out my emotions. Need to think about next steps. Just not right this second. Instead, I'm thinking about that cup of coffee I'll have in the morning that I'll savor with homemade pancakes, sausage, and eggs. 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

Jobbing: 7 weeks unemployed + a Job Offer!!!

If you've been following my unemployment story and my job hunt, it hasn't been an easy road. On my update last week (week 6), I gave a breakdown down of the companies I've interviewed for. Here's an update:

Company #3: (the job I really want!) has given me a job offer!!!

Company #5: I have a scheduled interview with Company #5 for next week - I actually passed their Hirevue screening process (I was shocked!).

Back to the offer. I could say that I felt "confident" that I would get an offer... but I wasn't. It *looked* like they were leaning that way, as you don't go through 3 rounds of interviews if they're not interested in you! But when Monday came and I hadn't hear back... I began to worry.

Then Tuesday came around and still no call... until I received a late call from the HR Recruiter. She wanted to make sure that I haven't accepted any offers and what my salary requirements were.

OK.... so this whole job-hunting thing, I haven't even THOUGHT about getting to the point of salary negotiations. I've never had to salary negotiate before and I haven't researched it. I guess I should have... So, I was like "I'd be happy just to get an offer." Ugh. Totally cut my negotiating power right there! But what was interesting about the Recruiter is that me being a foster parent just slipped out during our conversation. Apparently she's interested in being a foster parent and asked me a bunch of questions about it. Totally side-tracking from the job offer / information. She told me that she would get back to me today after she negotiated my salary with the hiring manager. She also emailed me all the benefits information for medical/insurance/vacation/leave, etc.

I heard back from her earlier today and the salary being offered is pretty generous... I was shocked at how much they were offering me. It was more than I was making at my previous position (significantly) and more than any of the other jobs I interviewed for have offered me (most of the jobs have been a major pay cut). Right now my tentative start date is: 5/23!!! EEEK!!

I'm still going through paperwork and finalizing everything... but it's pretty much a done deal!

I have to tell you... when I was laid off, I cried a little - but I didn't let myself get consumed in depression/sadness over it. Instead I focused on finding a job. After I hung up with the recruiter and she gave me the info on the salary & start date ---- I was jumping up and down with major tears running down my face!!! I couldn't stop crying and thanking God. It's such a blessing to be given a job offer and a GOOD job offer at that. It's just amazing... all I could think about was "Now I can continue to provide for my family" and "we'll be ok."

I know I've only been laid off for 7 weeks... and there are people that take longer to find jobs. I was terrified that I would be one of those people not able to find a job in 6 months... or a year...  of more... I have absolutely no one I could rely on to help me out if something like that were to happen. Once my severance package ended, I would have been screwed. If I took unemployment, it wouldn't even cover half my bills. There was the potential to lose my house, my car, maybe even file for bankruptcy. It would've been that bad for me... This was "worse case scenario" thinking, but it was a total reality of where things would have led me if I couldn't find a job. I seriously have no family that could or would help me out. It's all on me. Which I never minded before... I'm pretty independent and comfortable with that. But now I have a son. A son I need to provide for, who relies on me and me alone.

That burden, that fear -- was sitting on my shoulders since I was laid off. That's why I was so determined and really hit the ground running the day of my layoff. I couldn't risk that worse case scenario from happening.... I just couldn't. I didn't want to put my son through that or not be able to provide for him. I didn't want to fail him. We just became a Forever Family... I had to do all I could do to make sure I could provide for him.

Now, having an actual job offer is such a relief... I will have financial security again. I will be able to provide for my family. The worse case scenario won't happen.

I am actually not even going to let myself feel too comfortable until all the new employee paperwork is competed. I just won't feel like it's a "for sure" thing until then. You know?

I have an interview scheduled next week with Company #5... I'm not going to cancel it until I complete all the pre-employment paperwork. It's my contingency. plan... It's a good job as well - so don't want to lose this opportunity if something were to happen with Company #3 during pre-employment paperwork. I don't see that happening... but you never know! Better safe than sorry until it's all finalized.

But man... things are looking up for sure! Praying that all goes well with paperwork and I can start to truly feel comfortable. Maybe I'll start sleeping better? Since the layoff I haven't slept very well.

Fingers crossed that this truly is IT!

Jobbing Updates: by the numbers 

• Submitted Applications: 34
• Call Backs: 3
• Email Confirmations (meet qualifications): 1
• Video Screening Request: 1
• Interviews: 4 (1 scheduled)
• Denial/Role Filled/Cancelled - Emails: 14
• OFFERS!!!! 1 

FET #1 (Cycle 9): TWW + B/W 5dp5dFET

Fatigue - check 

Moody - check 

Cramping - check 

Sore injection sites - check 

Bloating - check 

Emotional - check

I must be in another TWW... Oh joy. Here's how it's gone so far. 

PIO shots have become a pain, literally. I don't know what's different this cycle, but I am so easy to bruise and the injection sites are so sore. Not to mention the actual injections have not been easy at all. I was so spoiled during IVF #2, they came so much easier. This is no fun... There were 2x's where blood was in the syringe after I injected. I didn't see any blood when I checked (pulled out after inserting & before injecting m). Nurse says it's nothing to worry about. So odd that this didn't happen at all during IVF #2. PIO = not my friend. It is also painful to wear my jeans, as they sit right on the injection site. Ugh. 

I have extremely sensitive BB's... Sorry if it's TMI, but they really hurt! I blame it on the progrsterone as this started happening 2dpt and no way I would have symptoms that early. Not that it stopped me from googling about it! 

Uterine cramping began 3dpt, having me fear the worse -- that this cycle didn't work (again). Trying to store those fears away - but it's so darn hard. 

I'm so overly emotional. I even fight tears when I look at my embie's picture. Just wanting so bad for my embie to implant and grow into a little person. Then I worry that my embie didn't fully expand into the uterine cavity prior to the transfer. Supposedly that leads to lower success rates. Google during the TWW is not your friend. There should be a warning or something.

4 more days until Beta Test. I have moments where I'm completely convinced this cycle didn't work. Then moments where I think, "What if it does?" Right now the "I don't think it worked" thoughts are winning. 

Had my blood work done today: 

E2: 481.4

Progesterone: >40

Portal Mesage: no medication changes 

Guess it's good that there are no med changes and that my levels are where they want it to be. This FET cycle overall has been much easier on me (besides the pesky PIO shots). 

Now the countdown 4-3-2-1... Until I know definitively if my embie implanted. 

Last Step this Cycle: 

• 4/29/16: Beta Test

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

Foster License Renewal

It's a strange thing, I've identified myself as a proud single "Foster Parent" for almost 5 years now (but since starting MAPP class - have been on this journey for closer to 6 years). There have been many times in these past years where I've wanted to stop fostering or wondered when the time would come that I would need to stop.

Right now, I'm going through my foster license renewal and: I feel like stopping.

Warning: this is a bit of a rant post. 

Over the years there have been many changes to the foster care system and the foster parent renewal procedures. This year, my State implemented some Foster Parent Changes in Licensing Procedures, adding additional mandatory training: Car Seat Training, First Aid Training, and a 3-hour "Reasonable and Prudent Parenting" Training. They also made stricter guidelines to the Life-Safety Home Inspection.

There are already a lot of requirements in order to maintain your license. There is absolutely NO PRIVACY when you're a foster parent. If you go see a therapist, you need to disclose that and even sign away your rights to privacy, giving the state permission to view your records with your therapist if they want to. There are health disclosures and even having a Physician Statement to say you're in good health. This is where I got annoyed during this renewal period...

Since I'm going through IVF, I'm on a bunch of medication. Well, I had to disclose that and my physician included it on the disclosure. My Licensing Worker (LW) inquired about the medication asking, "Are these for fertility treatments?"

As a caveat, I'm in my TWW for my FET#1 -- so I'm overly emotional at the moment.

So, when my LW inquired into my medications and had to be all up in my business on them having to KNOW that I'm doing fertility treatments -- it pissed me off! Why does the State have to know that I'm on fertility treatments? Why is it any of their business? It's not like I'm doing illegal drugs or doing anything shady. It's not like fertility treatments impact my judgement/capability as a foster parent. I'm trying to have a baby for goodness sake. As if infertility wasn't such a hard thing for me to discuss in the first place, now I have to have it on record with the State in order to maintain my foster license.

It just makes me so angry. Here I am, being a foster parent for 5 years now, having absolutely all my business and family history violated. Which was difficult disclosing all my family drama ON PAPER for the RECORD, back when I was first licensed. Of course I even had to disclose to them that I was laid off from my job and provide all my severance information. Now, that I'm doing fertility treatments - all of that's going to be on there. It's just a bit much right now.

Yeah, yeah. I know. Signing up to be a foster parent and being a foster parent for this long, I went into it knowing what the requirements were and how much I was going to have to disclose. So it's not unexpected or a surprise... But disclosing the fertility treatments... it hurts. For women that suffer from infertility, it's not an easy topic to discuss (I plan to get into that more on a different post). It feels likes such a personal violation to have that "on the record."

I don't have any choice but to renew my foster license right now because I still have Munchkin. But once he leaves, I am seriously considering closing my license for good. Which feels good and bad at the same time. I love being a foster parent. I just don't love the process of all these disclosures (even though I totally get why it's necessary in some cases). But there has to be a LINE somewhere. A line where foster parents can still have some iota of privacy. Having absolutely no privacy and all your personal business out there just sucks. I think it's starting to take a toll on me after all these years.

Additionally, with all these changes in my life -- being a foster parent might just not be the right choice going forward. Have to see how things play out with Munchkin's case and then deal with closing my license after he leaves.

Just to add, I sometimes think it would be such a relief to close my license. It would be so great to not have to follow the life-safety home inspection rules (keep my vitamins in my medicine cabinet vs locked up), not to have people coming in/out of my home every month, to have my water temperature where I want it to be, and to not have to disclose every little thing about my personal life to the government.

Jobbing: 6 weeks unemployed

Quick update on my job hunt. Week 5 of job hunting was disappointing. I received so many rejection emails in the one week and not ONE call back. I also am having a harder time finding positions that I meet the qualifications for. Then, I received a request for additional interviews from the "Big interview" I mentioned in my last update. Total, I've heard back from 5 companies on moving forward:

Company #1: received email that I qualify for the position (3/16), but still have not heard back on next steps. PENDING

Company #2: Interviewed (3/21) but was not offered the position. They asked that they could keep my resume on file. NO OFFER

Company #3: The job I really want! Had Round 1 interviews (4/5). Then had Round 2 interviews (4/14) with 3 senior executives. Then had a Round 3 phone interview (4/18) with the HEAD GUY! Heard back from the hiring manager saying they'll have a decision next week. Really hoping for this one! PENDING

Company #4: Had interview (4/6). Haven't heard back. PENDING

Company #5: Received email to do a Hirevue interview (4/17). Completed interview (4/19). I think I totally bombed this! It's such a strange format. They ask you 3 questions, you have 30 seconds to read the questions, then 3 minutes to answer it. The questions that were asked were odd and not really directly related to the position - so I didn't anticipate them. Not sure I'll make it past the impersonal video interview. PENDING

That's about it. More rejections vs moving forward. I really want the job with Company #3 and am hoping to get an offer next week. If I don't get an offer, I'm going to start reaching out to temp agencies/head hunters. There's not many jobs left I can apply for that my qualifications meet... I need to also start thinking outside the box on where I have transferable skills. Maybe temping will get me a foot in the door at a good company?

Guess will wait and see. Still waiting to hear back from a few more companies on my outstanding applications. Can't believe companies take so long to screen candidate resumes.

Feeling a little down on the job hunting front. I really would like to receive an offer or get more interviews than what I'm getting. It's frustrating. I'm doing my best not to let myself feel too down on the situation and keep moving forward.  Let's see...

Jobbing Updates: by the numbers 

• Submitted Applications: 29
• Call Backs: 3
• Email Confirmations (meet qualifications): 1
• Video Screening Request: 1
• Interviews: 3 
• Denial/Role Filled/Cancelled - Emails: 14

FET #1 (Cycle 9): Transfer Day!

Today I had my FET. One 5-day frozen blastocyst was transferred back home. Here's a picture of my embryo. They did assisted hatching and you can see where it's coming out already. 

The transfer experience was similar to my IVF #2 experience, so I won't get into too much details. The only difference this time is one of my friends came into the transfer room with me. It was nice to share that experience with someone and maybe get some positive juju for my embie to stick.

It's weird how "normal" doing all this IVF stuff is. Even the transfer, it was like business-as-usual. I was pretty emotional today when the embryo was placed in, I almost cried. But other than knowing my embie is home right now, I don't feel any different.

I'm actually hoping I can keep my mind off of it and not stress out too much during the TWW. All I can do right now is pray and hope and pray some more. There's nothing else that can be done. Now, I wait and see...

Next Steps:

• 4/25/16: Blood work to check Progesterone and E2 levels. 
• 4/29/16: Beta Test 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

FET #1 (Cycle 9): Day before the transfer

I have my Frozen Embryo Transfer tomorrow. I'm planning on transferring one 5-day blastocyst with assisted hatching. I am a little concerned about what's going to happen with thawing it. There's a 95% survival rate at my clinic, so I shouldn't worry too much. When I had to complete the paperwork, I gave them permission to keep thawing if one doesn't survive. Fingers crossed the one they thaw survives for transfer. I don't want to risk my other 2. 

Since my transfer has been confirmed, I've been really focused on this FET cycle. I think it also has to do with the hormones... I'm so out of whack. Hot flashes from PIO, short-tempered, tired. I keep thinking that I wish trying to have a baby wasn't so hard on my mood or my body. All these medications, it can be a bit much at times. Not only is TTC with infertility stressful without the meds, adding the meds into the mixture just puts everything askew. 

I woke up this morning in a panic on the thought of, "What do I do if this FET doesn't work?" Yeah, I know I shouldn't be thinking about it NOT working... but remember this is my NINTH cycle and NONE of them have worked. So yes, I have to think of the possibility (as much as I really HOPE it will work). 

I think I've decided that if this FET doesn't work, that I'm going to do a fresh cycle in June. My insurance coverage will still be covering me with my severance package. I'll probably do a freeze-all and test the embryos (if I have more than 5). I hope I don't actually have to move forward with yet another IVF fresh cycle and my little baby embryo will stick. But... I think it'll be my best option in that scenario. 

<sigh> I wish I could be super excited about this transfer. I am and I'm not. 

Before the transfer there's all this hope and excitement for it to work. After the transfer, there's a "glowing" feeling from having an actual embryo back home. Then, I feel like it's a countdown to another BFN... The dreaded TWW is no joke. Not having any luck in my last 8 cycles... I just wish I had more positive thoughts that "This will work!" 

The embryologist called this morning to confirm my transfer times for tomorrow. She actually said she was surprised the first embryo didn't take. She also said that I have good embryos and she hopes that this next one will work. She's so sweet and nice. She also let me know that she'll call me if my embryo doesn't survive the thaw, so I'm not worried all day. If I don't hear back from her = good news, it survived the thaw. If I hear back from her = bad news, embryo didn't survive the thaw. 

I'm thinking if this cycle doesn't work and with my embryos being good quality. That maybe I should have testing done to see if maybe my uterus prevents implantation for some reason. Another bridge to cross if I get there... So much to think about and consider... 

I'm really hoping #9 is the one and that my little 5-day blast will attach and grow. It would be so absolutely wonderful to have my world changed in 9 months. 

Praying, hoping, and wishing for my embryo to thaw successfully, for a smooth transfer, and to get good news after the TWW. 

FET #1 (Cycle 9): Monitoring Appt #2

There was a little bit of a strange interaction with the RE's office yesterday. The front office lady that's in charge of the billing, her husband happens to work for the same company that I worked for (prior to being laid off). I haven't mentioned ANYTHING to the office about being laid off. It just never really came up and it's not really something I wanted to share with them.

Well, she was asking me about a company-wide meeting her husband had to attend and asked if I had to attend it as well. Instead of beating around the bush (after she innocently asked a few more questions), I just told her I was no longer with the company. Then she asked where I was working now, which then led me into saying that I was laid off and am searching for work. Since she does the billing, I felt inclined to say that I was receiving severance pay and that my medical benefits were covered during my severance period. I just didn't want her questioning my insurance coverage.

Anyways... it just felt so ODD to have to explain it to my RE's office. Ugh. I know there's no shame in being laid off due to workforce reductions... but it doesn't help me not feel the shame. You know?

Monitoring Appointment #2

I had my second (and last) monitoring appointment yesterday for my FET. Great news, my lining looks amazing! It really thickened up since my first monitoring appointment (where it was 6.92mm).

Lining: 10.76 mm

E2: 1110.5. This went up quick! I read it should be between 500-1000, so this is good. 

Portal Message: As scheduled on your calendar you will begin Progesterone in Oil (100 mg) intramuscular injections on Friday as well as the Medrol tablet which you will take orally once a day until gone. 

You will not do any more injections of Lupron from this point forward. Continue all other medications as it states on your calendar.

Please do not hesitate to call the office if you have any questions. We will see you at your transfer appointment!

What's on my mind?

I can't believe how easy this FET cycle has been. Only 3 appointments all together (baseline + 2 monitoring appts) & not many drug cocktails. The Lupron sucks (needle not as sharp), dries out my skin & gives me acne. The estrogen patches make me a little more susceptible to emotions. I start PIO tonight, which makes me tired & drained. 

Other than the medication side effects (which are minor compared to a full-blown IVF stim cycle or a Clomid-IUI cycle), it has been easy going. 

I don't really know if my embryo will take. I still worry that I didn't do genetic testing on them... But I only have 3 frozen, so the cost isn't really worth it to test them. I just have to trust that my Baby C is one of my little frosties. 

Only a few more days until I have my transfer... Then the wait to see if it works. 

Next Steps:

• 4/20/16: Frozen Embryo Transfer - transferring 1 5-day blastocyst 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

FET #1 (Cycle 9): Monitoring Appt #1

It feels like forever since I've had a doctor's appointment. This has by far been the longest I didn't  have to go into the office for some type of monitoring. I started injections of Lupron last month and started the Estrogen Patches on 4/1. This morning I had my uterine lining check and some bloodwork. The results: 

Lining: 6.92 mm. They want the lining to be above 7 mm. Luckily it has the triple layer they are looking for. I'm really close and there's time for my lining to thicken up. Hopefully at my next monitoring appointment it'll be where they want it. My RE said that my ovaries are officially "suppressed" - so the Lupron must be doing its job.

E2: 99.2

Portal Message: 

We are going to add vaginal estrace 2mg tablets, starting tonight. 
You will insert one tablet, vaginally, every evening from here on out. You will want to wear a pantyliner as you will have a blueish-green discharge from this medication that can stain your underwear. 
Please continue all of the rest of your medications at their current dosing. 
See you at your next appointment on. 

This is how "fun" IVF can be, blueish-green discharge. Yuck. The pharmacist was a little concerned when she gave me the estrace tablets and thought it was odd they were going to be inserted vaginally when I already was on estrogen patches. I didn't bother telling her I was going through a FET since Munchkin had started fussing in the backseat of the car. The joys of infertility treatments! They must have not been too happy with my E2 results since they added the estrace (which I haven't taken before). Hopefully everything will read better for them on Thursday and I'll get the "green light" for my transfer.

What's on my mind? 

I haven't really been as focused on this cycle as I have for previous ones. There's a lot more going on with being laid off, having sick kids, and potty training my son... it has felt extremely busy. Now that it's getting closer to the transfer, I have been focusing more on the FET. I really wish that I could know ahead of time whether or not it'll work...  to trust my gut feeling and "just know" it'll work. I'm trying to stay positive and hope for the best. I wish I could say for certainly that: "THIS TIME WILL WORK!" My past cycles I let myself believe it and feel it. Each time I was disappointed and crushed with a negative outcome.

However, that hasn't stopped me from hoping for the best or wanting this to work so darn bad. I even did something I haven't done in past cycles... I bought some baby clothes with the gender that I anticipate (and dreamed) Baby C would be. I've read about people going on "Baby Hauls" and buying a bunch of baby stuff (after being a foster parent and having so many babies, I don't really need much baby stuff). I didn't go crazy, just bought two little outfits to "outwardly" show my hope. It was maybe more of a "convincing" myself to be hopeful since being hopeful has been extremely difficult recently... I figure that I'll probably have the OTHER gender, if I do get pregnant - since I've probably totally jinxed myself! :) I can always gift the clothes to another if it turns out that way.

Nevertheless, I've worked out a million scenarios in my head and have even entertained the thought of  a "Christmas Card" announcement of expecting Baby C to arrive. You know the really cute ones with the sibling in it in some creatively adorable way announcing that they will be promoted to "Big Brother" (in my son's case)... This will be my second Christmas where I've hoped that I would be pregnant or expecting a child by that time and sending out one of those adorable cards with my son on it with a picture of an ultrasound for Baby C. Each cycle I've entertained the idea and looked at Pinterest at all the adorable cute baby announcements. This will be my NINTH go-around at envisioning a future with Baby C arriving in 9 months. It's so hard not to imagine that potential future and be so hopeful that this, will indeed, be the try that works. It is almost baffling how quickly life would change if a cycle works and I get pregnant. 9 months isn't really that long. It's just the matter of actually getting there that's the problem....

I won't lie, if I have my FET's and end up transferring my 3 frozen embryos, and am still not able to get pregnant... it will be devastating. Not only will I not have my old insurance coverage (that ends in August), I will have a new job (hopefully!) and will probably not have the time to do another IVF cycle (who can expect to ask for time off when starting a new position?). This may truly be the end of my TTC journey (for now)... which makes me so angry that I would be forced to stop trying. I'm not ready to stop trying... not even close.

<sigh> Like I said, many different scenarios playing out in my mind...! Argh. Guess I had it all jumbled up in my mind and thoughts, which is why this blog entry has turned into an essay (sorry!). I haven't really been able to talk about this FET and its possibilities since most of my conversations are on Potty Training and searching for jobs... I've received mixed advice on moving forward with the FET. Some friends think "NO" and other friends think "YES". I get both sides as I've often wondered to myself if I made the right choice by moving forward... But I am moving forward.

In the mean time, I've been praying to accept whatever is going to happen and to stay strong through all theses hardships. I know that life will happen just as it should. I'm trying my hardest to hold onto that and to trust in God's plan for my family. I've also been continuing to count my blessings... and am grateful I have blessing to count! :)

But man... if I can get a BFP with this FET... It would be such a blessing and just so incredibly unbelievably fantastic. Here's to continuing to hope and pray for my 9th cycle and for my little Baby C to become a reality.

Next Steps:

• 4/14/16: Monitoring Appointment #2 
• 4/20:16: Frozen Embryo Transfer - transferring 1 5-day blastocyst 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

Jobbing: 4 Weeks Unemployed

Here's an  update on my Job Hunt. There has been fewer new job postings that meet my qualifications. There hasn't been much movement as far as NEW applications go. I also heard back from the first job that I interviewed for. Unfortunately, I didn't get offered the position. They said that they want to keep my resume on file though. I still need to call back the recruiter and ask her for feedback on the interview process. Planning to do that later this week.

I did have 2 interviews this week, this is how they went.

Interview #1

This was the "BIG" interview for the position that I really want! I wish I could say that everything went exactly as planned, but nope! Here's what actually happened.

I somehow hurt my left knee over the weekend. At first it was just a dull pain, nothing serious. Then Monday rolled around and I was in serious pain by the end of the day. I couldn't sleep because it hurt so bad and if I moved wrong, it caused more pain. I was so freaked over the pain and the thought of limping to my interview in heels, that I cried the night before the interview. Like why of all the days do I have to get some freak injury right before the BIG interview? A little sob fest never hurt anyone and I was in so much pain.

Nevertheless, I had to soldier on. I got my interview outfit out and steamed the wrinkles out, took out the jewelry I planned to wear to the interview, got my portfolio ready, purse ready, shoes ready. Then made plans to go to the pharmacy in the morning to get a knee brace and some pain meds.

The morning of the interview, I get the kids to daycare early so I could hit the pharmacy for my knee supplies. Crazy enough, the knee brace worked WONDERS! Putting it on made walking so much easier. I had plans to leave early so I could get there early, so I could relax in the general vicinity of my interview. It was a bit of a hike - 45-60 minute drive.

Well, while I was doing my hair (not dressed and no makeup) I received a phone call from the hiring manager that I was interviewing with. She called about 8:15am (my interview email said the interview started at 11am) to give me some parking instructions, then she said, "See you at 10!" I then asked her to clarify the interview time and told her the email said 11. She said, "Oh no, it's at 10. I need to talk to the recruiter. Can you get here by 10?"

At this point, my hair is only HALF-WAY straightened, still no make-up, still not dressed... and I had to drive 45-60 minutes just to get there. I'm a bit freaked out I'm not going to make it on time. I told her that it was a pretty far drive and didn't expect to get there that early. She was understanding and just said, "Ok, get here as soon as you can." I couldn't really tell that I wasn't dressed yet and was doing my hair/makeup! Ugh.

Well, I rush-straightened the rest of my hair - put on my makeup really fast - got dressed really fast - grabbed everything and ran out the door by 8:45... I did mention that I busted my knee, right? So it was like my body was moving in s-l-o-w motion while my brain was freaking out.  I ended up getting there at 9:30-ish and arriving on the floor of the interview at 9:40-ish. ON TIME! Woot!

Then, guess what? My interviewer was late coming to get me. LOL. Oh well, at least I was "on time" even though the HR recruiter totally screwed up on the email communication to me.

The interview was supposed to be 1.5 hours and I was to be interviewed by 3 people. The interviews ended up lasting about 2 hours. I thought they went really well! I was happy that I stayed in the same room the entire time, as it helped with my knee issue (you could hardly see the brace under my slacks).

Overall, I was really impressed with this company and with the position. Trying not to get my hopes up but I REALLY want this job! I sent Thank You emails the same night to each of the interviewers. I have to say, writing 3 different Thank You emails was pretty difficult! I didn't want them all to the say the same thing, as I was sending them individually, in case they compared. So I wrote 3 completely different emails.

Guess what, a few hours later - I received an email from the hiring manager asking me to write a one-page synopsis of my impression of the position and how my skills would fit. I was like, WHAT? I have never heard of a job asking to do that before. None of my friends have either... So, I spend the entire next day creating this one-page document. I didn't do a typical report-style one-pager. I tried to be creative, adding color and making it visually appealing by breaking up the text. Ugh. I hope it was what they were looking for. There was no direction at all on format, so I'm hoping I stand out from other candidates.

Next steps for this position: 2nd round interviews with senior management, if I passed this first round, which I hope I do!!

Interview #2 

This interview was by phone with the hiring manager. He's located in a different state, which is why it wasn't in-person. He was very talkative and very informative! He seems like a wonderful manager. This is also a position and company that I would love to work for.  Interestingly enough, he had no clue what the next steps were for the position. But sounds like there are internal candidates for the position. So, I'm not really sure what my chances are in getting an offer. This was one of my "stretch applications," which turns out I totally qualify. It's just that I lack direct industry knowledge. Guess will see how this one turns out.

It's been a busy week with interviewing! I am getting far less things done around the house due to my bad knee and because of all the prep work that goes into interviewing. I have to admit, I'm exhausted...!!!! I'm also starting to worry a bit about time ticking away on my severance package. I know I have time, but I would love to start working in May... June at the very latest! I haven't heard back from a lot of companies and it sounds like getting through interviews there will be maybe a 2 week wait to even know if I get an offer. Ugh. It's so crazy.

Unemployment sucks.

At least things seem to be moving along... I would love to get a few more callbacks for other applications I submitted to. But really, I would absolutely love an offer for the position where everything went absolutely wrong to get to the interview! I guess only time will tell how this will all play out.

For now, I wait. I apply. I pray. I hope. I imagine 100 different scenarios of my future. LOL. I can't help it, I'm such a planner! Every job I've thought about how life will change and what that'll look like for my family.

I can't wait to plan some concrete plans... and for my darn knee to get better. :(

Jobbing Updates: by the numbers 

• Submitted Applications: 27
• Call Backs: 3
• Email Confirmations (meet qualifications): 1
• Interviews: 3 
• Denial/Role Filled/Cancelled - Emails: 8

HMF Disease + Potty Training

There was an outbreak at daycare of Hand/Mouth/Foot (HMF) Disease! Munchkin ended up getting it, so I've had to keep him home since it's highly contagious. I wasn't sure if Little Guy would get it too, so I was asked to keep him home too just to make sure (during the incubation stage). 

I guess in a way it's a good thing I was laid off, since I've had the kids home full time due to this. That wouldn't fly if I was working. 

Little Guy didn't get HMF, thank goodness. Munchkin took about 8 days to fully recovery from HMF. Luckily he never had a fever with it. I hope to NEVER deal with this one again, it's horrible how long it takes to get past it. 

Since we were stuck at home, I decided to try and potty train Little Guy! A little earlier than I had planned, but just by a week. Might as well be productive, right? Here's how it's gone. 

Day 1: 

• Originally tried to go commando-style. It really bothered Little Guy and he kept asking for his diaper! We went commando because he peed and I didn't notice it and neither did he. With much protest, decided to try the underwear on. 
• He needed to go poopoo and asked to go to the potty. Once on the toilet, he couldn't go. He waited for nap time and went poop in his diaper. 
• The first time he went peepee in his underwear, he seemed surprised - just looked down at his leg. I ran him quickly to the bathroom to sit on the potty. 
• Overall: 4 accidents -- 3 he noticed, 1 he didn't 

Day 1 wasn't too bad! Little Guy was annoyed with not having a diaper and acted out a bit, but wasn't too bad. He didn't manage to go potty on the toilet yet, hoping he is "getting it" though. Ended up putting him on the potty every 30 minutes or so. 

Day 2: 

• Moved the "fun potty" to the most used bathroom. It makes fun little noises. 
• In the morning, he didn't want to put on the underwear! He tried to throw it away in the trash!  
• I placed him on the potty after breakfast and he went peepee! He didn't even seem to notice. I made a big deal about it, let him flush the toilet, waved bye-bye to the peepee, and he got an M&M. He is highly chocolate-motivated. 
• He asked to sit on the potty 2x's. He didn't end up going, but he asked!! Then had an accident right after he got off the potty. 
• Accidents: 7
• Peepee on Potty: 4x's 

Day 2 was a lot better! At this point I wasn't sure if Little Guy had the bladder control to master potty training. Had to wait and see how he progressed. 

Day 3: 

• He didn't fight the underwear this morning! 
• Had 2 accidents back-to-back, but the second one he ran to the bathroom and finished on the toilet. 
• I've noticed he's having "half accidents" where he slightly soils his underwear and then will finish on the potty. 
• Accidents: 4
• Peepee on Potty: 6
• Poopoo on Potty: 1! This was almost an accident. I had just put him to bed with a diaper. I heard him grunting (his poopoo sound). I asked him if he was going poopoo and he said, "Yeah." So I rushed him to the potty and he finished on the potty. But he did it! 

My son really impressed me this day and this is the first time that I truly believed he had bladder control. He didn't have as many accidents. The funny thing is, he giggles every time he pees on the potty! When he goes, he's been practicing releasing the pee, stopping it, then releasing more. The whole time giggling. 

Day 4:

• Peed on Potty first thing in the morning 
• Fought going to the potty a few times, but went pee once he was on the toilet. 
• Accidents: 1
• Peepee on Potty: 6
• Poopoo on Potty: 0. He did go poopoo in his diaper during nap time. We did the whole "ritual" of flushing the poop down the toilet and I told him, "poo poo goes in the toilet."

I couldn't believe that he only had ONE accident the entire day! So very surprised. He stopped having those "half accidents" and could hold his urine in longer. 

Day 5: 

• This was really only a half-day of training, as he went back to daycare for most of the day and used a diaper there. 
• Accidents: 0
• Peepee on Potty: 5 at home + 1 at daycare 
• Poopoo on Potty: 0

He's really starting to get the hang of taking his pants/underwear on/off by himself. Been practicing with him. He even initiated going potty once by himself!  He's also really good at holding his urine and then releasing in the potty. 

Overall, I think he's on his way to being potty trained! I'm a little surprised it's gone relatively well so far. We'll continue on and see how the rest of it goes. Once he masters potty training at home, we'll venture out without a diaper and see how it goes. I've been worried about this part because I don't want him to pee in the carseat (I just washed the paddings). But I'm going to have to risk it, once he starts initiating more at home. I want him to be successful and don't want him to fail.

I also got him some Paw Patrol and Thomas the Train underwear, which he LOVES. Hoping they add a little excitement to the potty training adventure. 

Gratitude: March 2016

March was a crazy/busy month for me: I found out IVF #2 was not successful, I got laid off of work, I finished Financial Peace University, my son was Baptized, Munchkin got Hand/Mouth/Foot disease, I had my first interview, I started my FET #1 cycle, and I started potty training my son.

This month especially, focusing on this Gratitude project was even more important. Focusing on the GOOD things helped me get through some really tough times. It could have been so easy to withdraw or let myself feel the immense ache or let myself sulk in the sadness or succumb to the panic of uncertainty. There were some days I had to force myself to find one good thing that I was grateful for, but I always was able to feel grateful for something.

With everything that's been going on, I still feel very blessed. My son amazes me every single day and never fails to put a big smile on my face. My friends have been extremely supportive though my unemployment and I will be forever grateful for their motivation/support/kindness.

Here is my March list of things that I am Grateful for:

• New installed security system, making me feel safer. 
• Choosing to focus on the positive in life!
• My son doing a happy dance first think in the morning
• Putting together a trampoline for my son, all by myself 
• Making the backyard a place my kids can play and have fun 
• Walmart online grocery ordering
• My son's sweet sounding voice, he can get away with so much! 
• Extra special random hugs from my son 
• A chance to start anew 
• Friends that are so motivating and supportive! 
• Finishing Financial Peace University 
• Friends that help make connections to network 
• Friends that help review my resume and LinkedIn, to make it better
• My son being baptized 
• My son spending time with his Ninong. 
• Spending quality time with my son's Ninong 
• Getting my first call back for a job posting I applied to 
• Getting my first interview!!!! 
• All the support I've been getting from friends after being laid off 
• Being goofy and playing with the boys 
• Attending church with my son's Ninong. 
• Enjoying reading an amazing book series 
• Having my first interview and feeling more confident about the job search  
• Thinking positive and looking towards the future 
• Getting ready to celebrate Easter 
• Landing a 2nd job interview! 
• Becoming more flexible and adjusting my schedule when needed 
• Praying with my son 
• Going to the movies 
• Starting to potty train my son 
• My son sneaking some extra cuddles 
• My son that wakes up at 6am - every - single -day - starting off the day at 100mph
• Seeing my son progress with potty training!