IUI Cycle #3: Test Results and Cycle 3 Final Thoughts

Results of Cycle #3.

Test Results 

12dpIUI - HPT -  negative
13dpIUI - HPT  - negative
14dpIUI - HPT - negative

16dpIUI - Beta test - negative 

Cycle 3 Final Thoughts 

I spent most of the TWW thinking that this cycle wasn't going to work. I was preparing myself, as I had an unusually emotional TWW period! But I also thought that this cycle was very different from the first two:

• I used injections
• I had 2 nice mature follicles 
• The IUI was timed better with my "normal" cycle (I have long cycles) and the IUI happened the day I would have normally ovulated. 

So, although I was preparing for failure and trying not to have any expectations. I was still extremely hopeful.

Things I'm worried about: 

• The odds start to go down (% wise) on having success with IUI after try #4... 
• I only have 1 vial left of my donor.
• The cost - I added up the costs and I've already spent close to $7,000 for everything. If #4 doesn't work, I'll have to purchase more donor sperm and pay for at least 3 more IUI's before I can move to IVF. 
• The idea and realization that I might have to do IVF and if that's something I really want to do. Wondering how much out of pocket I'll need for IVF. I'll officially qualify as "infertile" at that juncture (if I have 6 failed IUI's). 
• My weight is an issue for IVF. All the fertility meds make it difficult to be proactive about exercising. Not to mention the stress. I need to make a change somewhere and get back into a good workout routine. I've gained throughout the process. 

I wasn't very emotional about getting a negative this time around. Probably because I had so many emotions during the TWW, I was tapped out. 

Now, onto Cycle #4. Just waiting for AF to begin. 

IUI Cycle #3: Two Week Wait version 3.0

I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the TWW. Originally, I wanted to track it like I did last time. Because you know the minute I don't track things, will be the cycle that is successful and I would've wished I tracked things.

I already know I'll have all the progesterone side-effects. I had them for the first two cycles. So, I don't really need to dive into those sorts of things again. I think this time I'm just going to wing it and write when I have something on my mind. I'm going to try my best not to track every single day, as that makes it feel just that much longer!

After the IUI

I had some cramps the day of the IUI. I was also extremely emotional the night of my IUI. Just couldn't get into a "normal" frame of mind. I can't remember the last time I allowed myself to wallow like that. But I think it's good to let myself feel my emotions. Most of the time I feel like I bottle them up inside. It felt good to really let myself FEEL.

I read through some of my old diaries where I first started considering having a baby on my own. Way back in 2008/2009. I wanted to start at 32 years old. I had these "plans" to attack the dating world and "get out there". Wanted to make sure I put a good effort towards Plan A before having a baby on my own. The dating thing didn't really work for me. I decided to become a foster parent in 2010, which pushed back my TTC timeline AND my potential dating life.  Funny how life works out sometimes...

Things to keep me busy: 

• Grey's Anatomy Season 11 marathon on Netflix - Bad Idea, I was a crying mess! 
• Read some novels - got through 5 1/2 books. And yes, I was a crying mess over some of the books as well! 
• Had a business trip out of State. 
• Social Events: Attended a birthday party, an awards event, had meetings. 
• Started a declutter project! Got a lot done! 

Symptoms and Feelings: 

• I was an emotional wreck for the week after my IUI. Easy to cry about everything! Which is totally not like me! Hate that my emotions are all over the place.  
• The progesterone had me exhausted. I was highly unproductive and the house got a little out of control until I started my declutter project!!! 
• Hot Flashes starting at 8dpIUI 
• Congested - not sure if related to TTC, but started about 8dpIUI. 
• Starting getting cramps about 9dpIUI - AF coming? By 11dpIUI was positive AF was coming, but thinking the Progesterone is delaying it. Which, if AF is coming - would work out in my best interest for AF to be late... as I'm traveling! So, the timing would work better if I start when I get back, so I don't have to skip the next cycle (if this cycle isn't a success). 

Thoughts: 

• Although I tried not to focus on it, I couldn't help but think about a future with a little Baby C. I've even decided on potential names...! 
• Thoughts of a 4th cycle make me feel so tired and exhausted. 
• I hate and love Google so much. I need to stay away from it. No matter what I Google, it can't tell me if this cycle will be a success.  
• I felt so emotion this entire TWW... made me wonder how much more of this I can take if this time doesn't work. I'm such a jumble of emotions. Why is this TWW so emotional? 
• I'm pretty sure that this cycle will end up not being successful. 

Beta Test Results on Friday, if AF doesn't show up first. Since I had my IUI so late in the cycle, I'm due for AF any day now. 

Declutter Project: KonMari Style - Clothes, Paperwork, Photos - Part 1

I've been wanting to declutter my house FOREVER! I've gotten "better" about keeping stuff, but I still have a bunch of stuff from college, sentimental items, and a lot of kid stuff. I just had enough! I saw a thread on the SMC boards on decluttering and I thought, I need some motivation - so I decided to read through it. Someone mentioned Marie Kondo's book: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. It was available at the library for checkout by audiobook. I got through the audiobook in a few hours and took notes! I felt so motivated, I just jumped right in.

The interesting part of the KonMari style is that she suggests going by "category" of items and not by room. For example, all clothes in the house, all books, all paperwork. Leaving sentimental things for last. The process:

1. You lay all the items out in front of you on the floor and ask yourself, "Does this bring me joy?"
2. Discard or purge all the items that don't bring you joy. For me, that means donating or trashing. 
3. This is the important step - do not "sort as you go". Marie Kondo suggests purging everything first, THEN when everything is out - then you can find a home for everything. (I think this is where I have been going wrong all this time.) 

It was such a different approach to decluttering, that I wasn't really sure if I would be able to implement it! I have gone through stages of clearing things out, but I always end up with a bunch of crap again. It made me start thinking that maybe I've been doing it wrong all this time!

So, I jumped right in! I didn't do the KonMari style "perfectly" - but I followed it very closely.

Clothes (Part 1)

I started on Clothes on Wednesday 7/22 - this step is still in process. My closet was a MESS, so before I started digging into my clothes, I removed all storage boxes from my closet & into the spare room (they were in the way and I will sort to them later when I get to those categories). Since I knew I wouldn't be able to get through my clothes in "one shot", I decided to take sections of my clothes at a time and only tackled enough that I knew I'd be able to get through in that particular sitting. That way, my entire room wouldn't be a mess and it would still be functional. Here is how it went down: 

1. Clothes in closet (master bedroom): dresses, suits, jackets, shirts, pants, t-shirts, skirts. 
2. Clothes in drawers: t-shirts, pants. 
3. Clothes in storage boxes: t-shirts 
4. Storage closet (downstairs): jackets, shoes. 
5. Tackled bathing suits, socks, undergarments. 
6. Went through Purses, belts, hats, scarves, beanies. 

Clothes Totals: 

• Donated bags: 13 
• Trash: 3 

The KonMari also has a special "folding method", that I decided to try. I wasn't sold on it... But wanted to give it a shot. So far, I'm extremely happy with it! Marie Kondo also suggests keeping all "like" items in one place. I didn't realize before this, that I had jackets/hats/purses in my closet in my room, in the storage closet, and in storage bins. So now, all "like" items are together and in my personal closet. 

I need to finish this category. Still pending: 

1. Backpacks 
2. Bags 

NOTE: I still have a lot of "sentimental" clothes items that I just couldn't let go of. So, I'm holding onto them for now. I have a plan to turn my old college T-Shirts into a quilt. My friend makes quilts and has offered to help me with it. So, maybe after all this decluttering - I'll be able to tackle that project. 

Paperwork (Part 1)

Marie Kondo suggests doing one category at a time. However, I started tackling paperwork concurrently as doing clothes. I also skipped books. Not intentionally, only because it was convenient to work on paperwork. I work from home and while I was on conference calls, it was just so easy to sort through my file cabinets at the same time as participating in calls!

Started Thursday (July 23) while on conference calls at work. Got through:

1. All papers on my desk. 
2. All papers in my filing cabinets. 
3. All papers laying around in my room. 
4. Some papers from the kitchen (Hot Spot for collecting stuff). 

As I was going, I sorted into the following categories/boxes:

1. Recycle 
2. Shred 
3. Need to keep - sort through later. These are papers related to foster care, health records, etc. 
4. Pictures (there were a lot of pictures in my my paperwork). 
5. Office Supplies - to sort through after. Will most likely ended up donating most of it (folders, file folders, etc.) 

I got rid of almost all my product manuals! I had many from appliances I no longer had! Marie Kondo suggests having 3 categories for paperwork: active files (needs attention), short-term files (access frequently), and long-term files (hardly ever look at). I created a little variation of this. I have: 

1. Using my Tickler folder for "Active Files": bills, items that I need to take action on, and reservation paperwork for trips (tickets, reservation confirmations, etc). 
2. Short Term Items (renewed/changed every year): Car Insurance, House Insurance, Health Insurance Policy, Warranties, etc. 
3. Tax Items (current year): I have a separate folder for tax items, so that I can keep them all in one place and it's already categorized since I've been using it for the last few years. So, this one would be considered "Short Term" and then after I file taxes, all these items will go in my "long term" folder with a copy of my tax return. 
4. Long Term Items: Tax Returns, beneficiary information, Legal Documents (Will, Living Will, etc), Passport, birth certificate, shot records, etc. 

I've only made it about half-way through the paperwork. Still pending:  

1. Remaining kitchen papers. 
2. Boxes of old paper from college in spare room - these might end up being moved to "sentimental". 
3. Boxes sitting in the garage - these might end up being moved to "sentimental". 

Recycled: 2 bags 

Trash/shred: tbd - haven't had time to shred yet. Two boxes of paper for shredding.

Photos (Part 1)

I haven't really "sorted" through the photo category yet. This will be one of my last categories to go through. I just wanted to note that I found my first foster daughter's photos and my first foster son's baby photos. They were on CD and I downloaded them to my computer. I cried... brought back so many memories of my first foster babies. See, too sentimental to go through NOW. That's why it's going to be one of the last items I sort through. 

Totals: 

• Donated bags: 13 
• Recycled: 2 bags 
• Trash: 3 
• Shred: TBD

Next Steps in the KonMari Method

I really like the KonMari style of decluttering! Loving it so much, that I actually am having fun with this project. I felt so good after I started purging things. I have this "vision" of how my house is going to look after I get through this process. This process will probably take me about 6 months to complete every single category. The vision of my home is a non-cluttered place where each item has a home and brings joy to us. Here's the roadmap of my next steps on implementing the KonMari method: 

1. Clothes - Finish pending list 
2. Paperwork - Finish pending list 
3. Books 
4. Kids 
1. Clothes
2. Toys 
3. Books  
5. Kitchen
1. Food Items
2. Kitchen Supplies
3. Kitchen Utensils/Dishes 
4. Kitchen appliances 
6. Small Articles:
1. CDs
2. DVD 
3. Skincare 
4. Makeup Accessories
5. Valuables 
6. Household equipment 
7. Household supplies (cleaning items) 
8. Other - figurines 
9. Disposables - gifts (i.e. Key holder) 
10. Electronics - boxes, manuals, Unidentified cords, broken appliances 
11. Beddings, sheets, pillows 
12. Toiletries 
13. Spare buttons (toss?) 
14. Free novelty goods 
15. Small change - get rid of, into my wallet, deposit into bank? 
16. Small Furniture 
17. Tools 
18. Jewelry 
19. Artwork 
20. Pet Supplies 
7. Sentimental Items
8. Photos 

Seems like a long list, and it is! But it'll get me through everything that needs to be gotten through :) I'm excited to tackle the list and have my home be where I want it to be. Will update next time after I make more progress.

I'd like to add, that I did all of this over just a few days! While: working full time, taking care of my son, doing extra curricular activities, attending meetings after work for my son, and attending social events. It's possible for even the busy person. If I could do it as a single mother - anyone can do it! 

All the donation bags made it to Goodwill today and all trash bags are in the trash bin. 

Adoption Update: Most Paperwork Completed! Still waiting for Certification

Had a big meeting yesterday for Little Guy to review his current Physical Therapy goals. We had a big crowd: Case Coordinator, Physical Therapist, CPS Case Manager (CM), and my Licensing Worker (LW). The meeting went relatively quick, which is good! We are continuing to work on some stuff, which I'm happy about.

Paperwork

I was able to get all the paper work to the CM and the remaining paperwork to my LW. The only thing remaining is for all the medical professionals to complete the subsidy paperwork. All the appointments are scheduled though, so that's good. 

Now, my LW needs to complete my Adoption Home Study and submit my certification for adoption to the State. This part seems like it's taking FOREVER!!! We've known we were moving towards adoption for months now - I hate the lag time. 

It feels like it's taking a long time! But everyone's hoping the adoption will be in October... Let's see. I'm thinking it's going to be the end of October. I just don't want it to go into November - with the holidays and all. 

Fostering and Adopting

I spoke to my LW about whether I want to foster again or try straight adoption (for another child)... She said if I went to straight adoption that I would probably be waiting 2-3 years, as the State does not give preference to single women... They do have a "safe harbor" here and the State rotates the safe harbor babies through all the adoption agencies. I can always go on that list, which would still be 2-3 years (if not longer). BUT, if I take another foster child - they won't consider me for any types of adoption. Because there's a biased against single women and the number of children in the household. 

So, I'm at a cross roads about what to do next. Continue fostering? Go straight adoption? Of course, all of this is dependent on what happens with TTC Baby C... and whether Baby C will come to us through adoption or if TTC will be successful. Therefore, not deciding now. 

But it's still in the back of my head on what I shall do next. 

How do I feel? 

I feel more comfortable with the fact that I'm going to adopt my Little Guy!!! I've lived for so long not knowing - that I can't shake it entirely! So, getting everything legalized is all I want. 

Next Steps: 

1. Certified to Adopt -- takes about 30 days after submitted. Estimated, end of August. 
2. Once certification is completed, I can FINALLY contact an adoption lawyer! 
3. Then, can hopefully get an adoption date within 60 days after that. 
4. More paperwork with the adoption lawyer. 
5. Meet with another lawyer to get my Will, Living Will, and other documents completed - prior to the adoption. 
6. Adoption! 

Update: Toddler Bed Transition, a month later

Last month I decided to transition Little Guy to a toddler bed early. The first week was a challenge, for both of us, learning how to make it work! Now, a month into the new "freedom" a toddler bed provides has went relatively well.

He received new "Cars" sheet, pillow cover, & plush car toy.

Struggle: not getting enough sleep! 

He just wasn't sleeping enough, kept getting up to play with his toys. He's normally a really good sleeper. I decided to stop using the lamp for a night light and instead use the closet light, keeping the closet door ajar.

That seemed to help, so he didn't have too much light in the room - stopped him wondering around the room as much.

Struggle: Playing with his toys 

He started putting all his toys in his bed and playing with all the toys that are in his room. Every - single - one! Maybe I should take some of them out at bedtime? Hmmm... 

Struggle: Sleeping on the floor

Challenge eventually turned into making him stay on bed! He kept sleeping on his Turtle or Pillow on the floor. Also, he kept playing. Let him sleep on the floor? Let him continue to play? He's not whining... maybe I should just leave it alone and pick my battles?

Struggle: Taking things out of drawers 

Pulled everything out of drawers. Then, in the morning sang the "cleanup " song and put it all back before I even got in there!


Struggle: Keeps getting out of bed 

Eventually, when he was OK with me leaving the room (no whining or complaining) - I decided to focus on him staying in bed when I leave. So, I used the monitor and every time I saw him get out of bed, I would say "in bed" - either through the monitor or at my desk (close to his room door).


Surprisingly, he listened (for a few days)! It took a few times - but he would eventually just stay in his bed and play with the toys he has there. His toy truck is a permanent bed object now! He "parks" it there and won't get in bed without it. This was short lived though, as it eventually turned into a game for Little Guy! So, I had to think about choosing my battles again.

Struggle: Wakes up so darn early! 

The hardest part is how EARLY he keeps waking up!!!! He's waking up at 4:30/5am. Lucky for me, he just plays with his toys. But then I feel so rushed in the mornings trying to sneak around to get ready. Once he hears me, he will whine.

By the end of the month: All month, I contemplated on "picking my battles". Can I win the battle of him staying in bed all night long?

Answer: No way!

About a week ago, I decided to just let it be. Sometimes he'll end up on the floor or sleeping on the turtle, but then goes back to bed eventually. He plays with his toys sometimes for an hour after I close the door, but he's not whining.

When I leave the room he doesn't whine, that equals a win in my book! He does eventually fall asleep after he plays for a while. So, why force it? I've decided I'm going to try to just let him play in his room and sleep where he wants to sleep. I'm sure the novelty will wear off eventually. Right? But the big win is = he's fine when I leave the room and feels safe enough to play in his room alone.

Overall, it hasn't been the easiest transition. It's been a learning experience for sure and one of my first "pick my battles" choices. I would say that at the end of month one - it's been a semi-success! I just had to readjust my expectations and meet Little Guy where he was. 

IUI Cycle #3: IUI Today

With all of my emotions from earlier today, I wasn't sure how my IUI experience would go. To try and distract myself, I listened to Clash of Kings on audiobook on the drive there. But still, already felt teary eyed just walking into my RE's office.

The actual procedure was quick and methodical, which helped ease my emotions. I went into the room, verified the sperm vial / donor number, signed a form with the sperm count listed, got ready for the procedure (feet in stirrups), little tickle when the syringe went in, then done. RE said, "And they're in!" Was about 5 minutes total from entering the room until it was done. My legs were a little shakey again, tried to control my nervousness by closing my eyes and focusing on my breathing. 

Then I laid there for 10 minutes, did some visualization techniques, said a quick prayer, and drove home. No crying! 

The sperm in the syringe: 

Sperm Count:  25 million, 48% motility. Similar numbers to Cycle #1.

How do I feel? 

I don't know... I want to be optimistic. But I just can't psych myself out like that. I guess we'll just see what happens. Just hoping for the best. I'm going to try not to think about "what happens next" either way. No thoughts of a 4th cycle. No thoughts of a potential pregnancy. I'm just going to lay low and wait.

Next Steps:

1. TWW
2. Beta Test 7/31 @ 7:45am. Had to do it later due to my travel schedule. 

Edited to add: my RE's office plays the best music from the 1990's! Reminds me of being young again & brings back so many memories. Those 10 minutes on the table aren't so bad with the music on :)

Losses, Luck, and Life

**WARNING** a bit of whining and venting below.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty sad. Today I'm having my 3rd IUI and it is so hard to be hopeful. It just feels like I'll never get pregnant and it almost feels like going through this TTC process is futile. I had  a very emotional weekend - which I haven't had time to write about yet... mostly because I'm not sure what it all means and haven't had time to process how I feel yet. But it's got my mind spinning and bringing my thoughts back to my past and resurfacing old feelings.

For some reason, this morning my thoughts went to the last time I was "in love" and when Plan A seemed like it was starting to happen. Looking back, I remember feeling like "this was it." I let my guard down and allowed myself to believe in Plan A and Plan A coming to fruition.

Obviously, that didn't happen and my gut was all wrong. I believe that I officially gave up on Plan A after I realized that things weren't going to progress in that direction. I always had Plan B in mind since my late 20's, but I really wanted Plan A - more specifically, I wanted Plan A with this particular guy...

Not sure why all of these old feelings of loss and sorrow resurfaced this morning. These feelings came back with a vengeance and really gutted me. I think that with all that happened over the weekend paired with Plan B not happening as easily as I thought, has gotten me in a tailspin of emotions and bringing up some questions that I thought I have already answered.

I've come to terms with being Single and being a Single Mom. I am 100% secure with my decisions to be a single foster mom, adopt as a single woman, and pursue trying to conceive through artificial insemination. Having all these feelings resurface does not change my resolve to move forward or change my mind in living the path that I'm on right now.

But there are times - like today - where I feel the loss of my Plan A and of what could've been. A different path, but not my path to take.

In all honesty, I don't think I've really "given up" on finding love or a partner. I still have hope that one day it'll happen. I just know now that it's not going to happen in the fashion that I thought it would (i.e. get married, have children).

I haven't had much luck in life. But lately, things have been very happy. First, the adoption with Little Guy. Second, the events over the weekend. That's two really good things that have happened in a short period of time. I just feel like I don't normally get "lucky" -- which makes me doubt that Cycle #3 will be a success. Three good things happening in a short period of time? Hmmm... not normally the way my life works.

I was feeling horribly sad and down this morning. Then, Little Guy wakes up and I hear his sweet voice on the baby monitor. Which made me feel like the luckiest person in the world :) Also, made me realize that it's sad that Plan A didn't work. But if it did, I wouldn't have my Little Guy. So, things all work out as they should.

Going to try to hold onto that if Cycle #3 isn't a success. Life and events will happen as they should. I'm going to try my best to not be positive or negative about this IUI and trust that it'll happen as it should.

IUI Cycle #3: Follow-Up Ultrasound - Cycle is a Go!

I would lie if I said that I wasn't worried about this cycle getting cancelled! At my Mid-Cycle Ultrasound last week, my follicles were not mature enough. I had some travel out of the state and had to change my travel time to get back in time for my follow-up Ultrasound yesterday (7/13). The entire weekend I kept thinking, "Please do not ovulate!" But I did prepare myself for this cycle to be cancelled. Thank goodness, that didn't happen!

Cycle #3 is a GO!!!

Here are the results of the ultrasound:

• Follicles: 

Right - 16mm 

Left - 20mm, 21mm. 

• Uterine Lining: 8.1mm

The follicle in my Right ovary hasn't grown since the Mid-Cycle Ultrasound last Thursday... which I'm wondering if that's normal or maybe it's a different follicle? My RE said it's a little small and might not trigger with the ones on the left. I'm thankful for the extra monitoring and that my RE was right and I did not ovulate over the weekend! We scheduled my IUI for Wednesday. 

Trigger Shot 

I triggered early this morning at 2:15 a.m. I was so tired from the long drive and long weekend, that I basically slept walked through the process and it went really smoothly. I couldn't go back to sleep afterwards though!!! Even though I was exhausted. Oh well. At least it's done.

How do I feel? 

I'm not really sure how I feel at the moment. Part of me thinks "This can be it!" and is really excited. The other part of me thinks "Don't get your hopes up." I'm happy to have 2 nice sized leading follicles with maybe the 16mm possibly catching up. I guess I'm cautiously optimistic... But it still feels like it will never happen... <sigh> Hoping the IUI goes well and that the TWW isn't so stressful. 

Next Steps: IUI is tomorrow @ 2:15 p.m. Hoping for major baby dust and fingers / toes crossed...! 

IUI Cycle #3: Mid-Cycle Ultrasound, Follicles need more time

I woke up being very anxious for this ultrasound and wondering if the medication did the trick with maturing my follicles. I ended up getting to my appointment 30 minutes early (over estimated traffic). Sat nervously in the waiting room, checking emails and updating my To-Do List, trying to stay distracted.

Mid-Cycle Ultrasound 

Then, it was finally time for the ultrasound. Not bad news, just different from Cycle 1 and Cycle 2 mid-cycle ultrasounds. I thought with the extra use of injectables and my "mini-stim" round, that my follicles would mature faster. That's not what happened. Instead, this is where I'm at:

• Leading Follicles: 2 leading follicles - Right - 16mm and Left - 14mm. There are a bunch of small ones, but the RE said that the "recruitment period has ended" and none of the smaller ones will catch up. 
• Uterine Lining: 5.3 mm

RE said that my uterine lining is low because I'm not ready to ovulate. Said the triple layer looks good though. He said that he wants to give the 2 lead follicles time to mature more and get bigger, also allow my uterine lining to catch up. Instead of getting my Trigger and IUI time, he scheduled another ultrasound for Monday to check the development of the follicles. This is the first time I'm having 3 ultrasounds within a cycle (instead of 2).

He also mentioned that he doesn't think that I'll ovulate over the weekend, since I have long and irregular cycles. Additionally, he doesn't think that I ovulate on my own (with the irregular cycles). Which is one reason I have to use the HCG trigger shot (to force ovulation). So, I shouldn't worry about it too much...

How do I feel? My thoughts:

First: I know there's nothing I can do about it. My follicles aren't ready yet. Calmness and acceptance.

Next: This cycle is really different than the first two. Maybe that's a good sign? Perhaps this means the quality of the follicles are better than the first two rounds?

Then: Please-please-please do not ovulate over the weekend!!! A little panic there.

Finally: I need to adjust my schedule to make sure I get back on Monday in time for my appointment. I'll be driving back from California that day. Also, have to find someone to watch Little Guy while I go to the appointment (this step is complete!).

Back to Calmness and Acceptance and planning peacefully. 

Last Thoughts: There's still a possibility that the cycle may be canceled. If I ovulate early and there are no follicles at the ultrasound on Monday. Praying and hoping that things progress and that the cycle doesn't get canceled.

Next Steps: 

1. Monitoring ultrasound on Monday, 7/13 @ 3:45 p.m. Hoping: I don't ovulate before then and that both follicles continue to grow. 
2. I should get my Trigger/IUI day/time at this appointment. 

IUI Cycle #3: Mini-Stimulation, Clomid + FSH Injectable

My first "Mini-Stimulation IUI". It's funny, when I first started this TTC process - I never thought I'd be able to give myself shots. Now, not only have I done the HCG Trigger Shot - but I can now add on injectables to that. I guess I asked for it, wanting to get more aggressive with TTC. It's just interesting how now, giving myself a shot is not that *big* of a deal and I actually asked for it!

Here's how the Mini-Stimulation IUI round went for me.

Clomid, 100 mg, CD 3-7

Surprisingly, the 5 days on Clomid weren't bad at all! I still had a few symptoms.

Side Effects: Hot Flashes, some irritability, sudden mood changes.

Overall though, wasn't as bad as Cycle 1 or Cycle 2. Thank goodness!

Maybe it was easier because Little Miss left or because I wasn't thinking about it too much or perhaps combination of both? Who knows.

FSH Injectable, Bravelle, CD 8-10

Really liked the company I ordered the meds from. They sent a sharps container along, free of charge. I also liked the way they shipped the medication to me. Was a lot nicer than the other company I used for my other two cycles. Here are my 3 sets of injectable shots supply:

• Vials 
• Sodium Chloride (diluent) 
• Q-Cap 
• Sterile needles & syringes
• Sharps Container 

Here are the directions and one set of shots: 

The injection needle (same as the Pregnyl Trigger shot): 

Day 1: I decided to try and sit down to do the injection. When I did the Trigger Shot, I stood. But I watched a video on YouTube where she said it was easier to sit down, so I thought I'd give it a try. It seemed to work out OK - no real big difference between sitting vs. standing for me. It took me two times before I was able to inject myself. Had to count down "3, 2, 1... stab!" Going in didn't hurt. When I started to depress the medication in, I felt a slight burning half-way through. Then it was done! I did get a small bruise on the first day at the injection site - no biggie. But I didn't get them with the Trigger shots... so, it was just a surprise. 

Day 2: much easier and quicker with the "plunge". Decided to stay standing for the injection and prefer it that way. 

Day 3: Mixing and injection went smoothly. 

Side Effects: Didn't notice any really, just a little short-tempered and tired. 

Next Steps: Ultrasound tomorrow to check out my follicles. Hopefully will have 2-3 good sized ones and will get my Trigger Day/Time and IUI Day/Time. Hoping IUI will be on Friday, 7/10. 

The Possibility of Diblings

Out of curiosity, I emailed the Sperm Bank that I originally purchased the Donor Sperm from. I was curious if there have been any reported pregnancies. He was a new donor at the time of purchase and I was a little concerned that maybe there weren't any pregnancies and maybe I should've gone with a proven donor.

I just received a response and they said that there were reported "pregnancies" from my Donor. Meaning, more than 1! I had conflicting feelings about this...

First reaction: that's great! He's now a proven donor! The swimmers must be good!

Then immediately after: If there were reported pregnancies, maybe the issue isn't the sperm, but maybe it's my egg quality? :(  My RE is convinced the timing was perfect for my first 2 IUI's.

Then a little after that: A bit of jealousy for those that did get pregnant with my Donor's swimmers! Hard to admit, but it's there.

On the SMC boards, there are some families that keep in contact with donor siblings AKA diblings. I never really thought past the part of *wanting* to get pregnant & the entire TTC process, so the possibility of diblings just wasn't top of mind. If I'm successful with this donor's sperm, I now know there will be diblings... Something to put in the back of my mind for now and reprocess when the time is right.

Then I started thinking I have 2 vials left of his sperm. After this month, I'll have 1 left. He has no more vials for sale. If worse comes to worse and I have to repurchase, I'll have to go with a new donor. I've been scoping out the other donors and have a few top of mind that I would love to go with.  But then there's other sperm banks that offer adult pictures (mine doesn't) and that's very tempting... Will cross that bridge if/when I have to.

Lots to think about.

4th of July Weekend

We had a fun Holiday weekend! 

Friday 

Most company's observed the 4th of July holiday for Friday. But not my company! So, I had to find child care backup (my daycare was closed). Luckily, my company has a back-up child care program available. All the daycare centers in my area were closed, so I went with a Nanny service! Had a nanny come to the house on Friday to watch Little Guy while I worked. It was a bit odd having another person in my home playing with my son, while I worked. But it all went extremely well, very happy with this back-up childcare from my work benefits. On Friday, Little Guy also started getting a runny nose - a cold coming on maybe? 

Saturday - 4th of July! 

Saturday, we went to a friend's house for lunch and to go swimming in the pool. Little Guy is so strange sometimes! He goes to swim class every week, but freaked when we went into the pool. He did the same thing when we went into the pool in Hawaii. It took him a little bit to get comfortable, then he had fun! It was nice to just chill out, the pool felt so good in this terrible heat.

Makes me kind of want a pool at my next house... but I'm still a little afraid of the drowning thing that happens too often with small children. Maybe when Little Guy starts progressing with his swim lessons, I will feel better about having my own pool. But by then - maybe we'll be on the East Coast! Wonder if many people have pools on the East Coast? Something to think about.

After visiting with my friend, we went home and "tried" to nap. Little Guy was having no nap this day, which would prove to be a challenge when staying up to watch fireworks! He also started coughing more, still had the runny nose, had diarrhea, and wasn't eating well.

I watched my friend's two kids from Saturday-Sunday, 3 1/2 year old and 8 year old. I brought them with us to watch the fireworks. I haven't been to this fireworks show before and it's the first time Little Guy was going to really celebrate the 4th of July.

The place we chose was really nice! It was at a large park, plenty of places to set up, there was a park for the kids to play at, and they had food for sale. We brought a cooler, bag of food/snacks, a picnic blanket, and lawn chair. Great set-up to sit and watch fireworks. 

However, it was just really - really hot - for me anyways! I'm not really a fan of the heat...! The kids didn't really care about the heat, they just wanted to play! This was a great place for the kids to have fun. Little Guy made it until half way through the fireworks before he was "done" with it. The fireworks show lasted about 25 minutes. Good show! 

The worse part was getting out of there afterwards. We were basically sitting in the car for 45 minutes before we were able to leave the parking lot. But, I guess that's to be expected. That would be fine, if I wasn't there with 3 tired children (not to mention I was tired too!). 

Sunday 

We had originally planned to go to church, but I opted against it with Little Guy's potential "cold" - also, because we got home extremely late and both of us hardly got any sleep. 

The girls got picked up in the morning. Afterwards, Little Guy and I just lounged. The afternoon nap lasted almost 4 hours!!! Guess we were both knocked out. But it was much needed. After the nap, Little Guy seemed to be feeling a little better and started eating more. Hopefully this cold bug he picked up will not turn into anything big. 

It was a good, relaxing, Holiday Weekend! Next year, I think we will try some of the other fireworks venues. There are so many different options around here, was hard for me to choose one! I will plan the "picnic" portion of it a little better than I did this year, bringing a better variety of things - and maybe save money rather than buying some of the food there. 

Little Miss Has Left

Little Miss left today. It took over 3 weeks for the judge to sign the CPC (Change of Physical Custody) for Little Miss to be sent back home. But it finally happened. The Client Manager really pushed it through at the end with the possibility of a disruption hanging out in the air...

I have to admit, I was very anxious for her to go home. I just wasn't sure if I would be able to continue fostering her if the CPC wasn't signed. I'm grateful that it was signed and that she was able to be reunified with her birth family.

I sent a bunch of her stuff with her (clothes, toys, shoes, blankets, etc).  Sent "Transition" Information such as all medical specialists seen, normal routine, shot records, medical card, toys, blankets, clothes, shoes, and life book. When I received her Life Book, we read it together. I was happy to be able to put together a complete Life Book for the time that she was with me. She really did grow a lot from day 1 until today. She also really enjoyed reading a book all about her. The title was "All About Me."

I have to be completely honest about things, since that is what I'm trying to do on this blog - is be completely honest about my feelings, even the hard stuff. And this is extremely difficult for me to admit.

Every foster child that has left - every single one - I have cried for them... I was their mother for a short period of time and having them leave was difficult.

Yet, with Little Miss, there were no tears. Absolutely none. Instead, I felt like there was this huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and that I can finally breathe a sigh of relief... I feel bad for not shedding a tear. I especially thought I would be emotional because I've started back up on the Clomid! But nope, there was only a feeling of relief. All of the anxiety and stress from the last few months -- is gone. All of it. It's so strange and something I didn't expect.

The only thing I can sum it up to is, it was not a good fit. I did what I could for her, she progressed really well while she lived with me, she came a long way. It just wouldn't have worked in the long-run.

I'll have to reflect on this after she's been gone for a while, when I have more perspective.

IUI Cycle #3: Baseline U/S - Round #3

After my cycle FINALLY started, I quickly got back into the swing of things and scheduled my baseline ultrasound to check for cysts and for a follicle count. I have to say, I did not miss having vaginal ultrasounds! 

No cysts! # of Follicles - 6 on the right, 5 on the left. It keeps going down each month. Darn aging process... 

New Medication Plan: 

• Clomid 100mg for 5 days CD 3-7 
• Baby Aspirin 81mg, Daily 
• FSH stimulating hormone, Bravelle, 75iu for 3 days CD 8-10 
• Pregnyl Trigger Shot 10,000 iu 
• Progesterone Vaginal Suppository 100mg (after IUI) 

Sheesh, that seems like a heavy load! But the only change from last cycle is adding the FSH injectable. Let the mood swings begin...! I decided to stick with Clomid this cycle (instead of Femara). There was a lot of good input on the SMC board on Clomid vs. Femara. For right now, I think the good choice is to go with Clomid because I know how I react to it. Switching to Femara and adding the injectable -- who knows how I would react to that combo. So for now, it's Clomid with it's wonderful side effects.

What I'm hoping for is: 2-3 mature follicles that are >18mm at the mid-cycle ultrasound. Hoping the new medication plan will stimulate, but not over stimulate! If I have more than 3 mature follicles, my RE will cancel the cycle (risk of multiples would be too high). 

How do I feel? 

I feel calm and a bit excited. I'm optimistic. I do feel more relaxed now, although the timing still worries me. Or maybe my expectations are just aligned properly now? I'm going to try and not stress and just relax into this entire process. I'm hoping the 3rd time is the charm! We shall see. I deleted some of the forums that I've been following online... decided that if I stop reading them that it'll be less obsessive-like and more time to focus on other things. Let's see if I'm successful at staying away from Google and over thinking things for this round. Although, I should probably not even attempt that. I've already started Googling "mini stimulation IUI".  Tsk tsk. 

Next Steps:

1. I have to get my prescription meds - in process. 
2. Mid-cycle ultrasound scheduled for Thursday 7/9 at 8:15am. It's looking like the IUI will be either 7/10 or 7/13. I'm hoping for 7/10... I'm going out of town on 7/11-7/13. I'll rearrange my travel schedule if needed.