IUI Cycle #4: Test Results and Cycle 4 Final Thoughts

The big question: Am I pregnant? Yes or No?

Test Results: 

• 10dpIUI, 8/27 -HPT Wondfo, Negative 
• 12dpIUI, 8/29 - HPT FRER, Negative 
• 13dpIUI, 8/30 - HPT ClearBlue Digital,  Negative 
  

• 14dpIUI, 8/31- Beta Test, Negative Confirmed. 

No, I'm not pregnant. 😢

How do I feel? 

Getting that first negative on 10dpIUI was emotionally hard. I knew it was early to test and I actually didn't plan on testing until 12dpIUI. But I broke down and tested. Seeing the negative was heartbreaking. When I received the negative at 12dpIUI, I knew that it was over. Then, receiving the confirmation call from the RE's office -- was cringe worthy. I was expecting it, but hearing it made it worse. Nurse, "Unfortunately the results are negative." Ugh. I hate that I have to do a blood test to confirm even when I know it's negative. But I understand why they do it... since not all HPT's are accurate and better to know for sure. 

I really thought this cycle would work, that I would be planning for Baby C to arrive. The negative dashed my hopes for that. It's not that I don't believe in God's planning... What's hard is I don't know if God's planning includes me having a birth child, which is devastating and hard to accept. 

I'm now officially headed down the bell curve on IUI success rates. The odds significantly go down after cycle #4. Some RE's suggest moving to IVF after 3-4 failed IUI's. But I can't since my insurance won't kick in until 6 failed IUI's. I feel like it's almost futile to try a 5th and 6th time with IUI... But what choice do I have at this juncture? Hopefully one of these will work and I won't have to do IVF. 

Cycle #4 Final Thoughts

I have no words really... Or I have many words that aren't very nice. I thought I would be *mad* if this cycle didn't work. Instead, I'm extremely saddened. Strangely though, I haven't cried. Maybe because it almost feels inevitable that I'll get a negative each cycle. Hard to imagine seeing a positive test. This sucks so bad. When I started this process, I didn't think it would be this hard. 

• February -- I thought maybe I would have a baby in November. Nope, I had to schedule surgery in February instead. Delay. 
• March -- I thought maybe I would have a baby in December, a Christmas baby. Nope, AF decided not to show up. Delay. 
• April -- I thought 2016, January, a New Year's baby. Cycle #1 = BFN
• May -- I thought February 2016, a Valentine's Baby. Cycle #2 = BFN 
• June -- had to skip due to timing and travel schedule. Delay.
• July -- I thought April 2016. Cycle #3 = BFN
• August -- I thought May 2016. Cycle #4 = BFN 

It's just so disappointing. I hate the power that a BFN has. Two ways things can go after the Two Week Wait:

1. You're planning of the next cycle or
2.  You're planning for a new baby. 

Two big extremes, two totally different paths. There's so much hope in each cycle. Hope that in 9 months you'll have this precious little baby in your arms. That you can start planning for this new addition to your family. It's so hard not to imagine it.

I really don't want to do IVF... But I'm starting to think it's going to end up that way. The one big pro of IVF is, I'll know if I'm having egg quality issues. Also, it'll be nice if I have some frozen embryos so I can try for another baby in a few years. But if I could avoid IVF, I would. When I started this process I thought: "If IUI doesn't work, then it wasn't meant to be. I will not do IVF." How times have changed. I'm so invested and have so much hope for Baby C to arrive -- that I just don't want to stop trying until I've exhausted all avenues of conception.

What sucks about all of this is, everything has been pretty much perfect for all my IUI's:

• Timing has been great, I know this because I am monitored pretty closely. So, I know that it's not the timing. 
• I know that I'm producing multiple follicles. So, we know the fertility drugs are working on stimulating my ovaries. 
• The sperm count has been amazing for all 4 cycles. Yet, out of the 126.6 millions of sperms (over the 4 cycles), not one of them was able to fertilize one of my eggs. 

Even with everything being "perfect" -- nothing. No pregnancy. Is it really just plain luck? If I were a betting person and the odds start to go down at this point, not sure how much I can bet on Cycle #5 working... or a Cycle #6. Ugh. I've never been a good gambler.

Even though the odds are lower, the chance of success are decreasing, and it's emotionally exhausting going through this process... I still have HOPE. Hope that all of this TTC process will be totally and absolutely worth it. I can't give up on that hope just yet. There is so much love in my heart to give Baby C when he/she arrives. So loved even before conception.

Here's to hoping Cycle#5 will be the one that works and that June 2016 will be the month that Baby C arrives. 

Next Steps: 

1. Wait for AF to come and schedule my Baseline Ultrasound for Cycle #5. 
2. Choose Donor #2 and Purchase Donor Sperm.

Adoption Update: Home Study Finally Submitted!

After the discussion with my Licensing Worker (LW) last week, I decided to call back the adoption lawyer. I wanted to find out the timeline for me to try to make NAD - if it was still an option. They told me: 

• IF the Home Study was submitted by my licensing agency last week (week of 8/24), 
• THEN, I would get certified by the end of September. 
• THEN, they can fit me in to complete paperwork for the October 9th NAD deadline. 

It's such a tight fit!!! If I don't get in for NAD, I'll be adopting in December. 

This is ALL contingent on my agency submitting the paperwork! Ugh. 

I decided to play "nice" and email my LW. I politely told her that I would like to make NAD and asked if it would be possible to have the paperwork submitted, so that I can make the deadlines. If not, I wouldn't make NAD. 

She replied back with, "I'll make sure it gets submitted tomorrow." 

I was happy to hear that! But I wasn't convinced it would actually happen... Not with how slow they've been going throughout this process. However, I sent a very appreciative email back in hopes it would motivate her to follow through! 

"Tomorrow" came and.... no email confirmation from my LW. <sigh>

With trepidation, I finally emailed her this morning asking the status and if it was indeed submitted on 8/27. My hopes of NAD felt like they were slipping away from me.

THEN, I received the email back with: "Yes it was submitted to the court on Thursday. An adoptions worker here told me she was been getting the certification back from court in about 2 weeks!" 

Oh thank goodness!!! FINALLY, good news! It's looking good that I'll be certified in September. It's looking good that I'll be able to get an adoption date for NAD! Yay and Yay!!! 

Can't wait to receive the confirmation that I'm finally certified and have our adoption date scheduled! It feels like forever in the making, but we're getting closer. 

Next Steps: 

1. Receive confirmation that I'm certified to adopt. Expected in Mid-Late September. 
2. Schedule meeting with Adoption Lawyer. Have meeting, fill out paperwork. Expected: Late September-Beginning of October. 
3. Adoption Lawyer to request NAD adoption date! Deadline is 10/9. 

IUI Cycle #4: The Infamous Two Week Wait version 4.0

Here we go again, the l-o-n-g-e-s-t 14 days ever. I don't know what happens to time, but once the TWW begins - time just seems to slow down to a snail pace.

Things to Keep Me Busy: 

• Back to my declutter project with a vengeance... or so I thought. The progesterone made me so tired, I was highly unproductive. I did get a few things done though! 
• Read a few books - would have read more if I wasn't on hold for some book series at the library. Have I mentioned how much I love the library! Borrowing audio books and e-books has saved me so much, especially considering how many books I read in a year. 
• Started planning my adoption finalization party for Little Guy! Long overdue and excited about finally celebrating. 
• Caught up on tv shows and movies. 

Symptoms and Feelings: 

• After the first progesterone suppository, already started feeling tired. Blah. Hard to wake up. 
• Only a few days after the IUI, been going to sleep early - like 8:30pm. Just so exhausted. Darn progesterone!
• I'm overly emotional, getting teary eyed over everything - birth stories, happy stories, sad stories, adoption stories, my adoption planning, etc. The tears come! I'm blaming it on the progesterone. 
• Started peeing in the middle of the night again. Grrr. It's as bad as cycle #1. Cycle 2-3 weren't as bad. Wonder if there's anything I can do to avoid this side-effect?
• I'm tired, but can't sleep! Insomnia? I'm a side sleeper and I'm starting to get "side-sores" while sleeping (when I'm able to sleep) - which leads to tossing and turning. I'm just so tired! Ugh. Again, blaming it on the progesterone! Lol. Progesterone gets a bad wrap. 
• Some pain in my left ovary at about 5dpIUI. Really uncomfortable.  Hoping it's not a cyst! Ugh. 
• Sore BB's also started at about 5dpIUI. 
• Vivid dreams - some of which I can do without! 
• I'm irritable - probably because I haven't been sleeping well 😕
• Feeling really hot, sweating easily. Some hot flashes. I hate those things. Hate feeling hot in this horrid heat.

Random TWW Rumination's: 

• The first 24 hours after the IUI is when the "magic" is supposed to happen. The day after the IUI, I just kept thinking "Magic is happening!" And repeating positive affirmations. Figured, it can't hurt! 
• It's hard to hope so hard for a BFP and imagine seeing a positive pregnancy test vs preparing for a 5th cycle... Since there's so much to prepare for if this cycle doesn't work, it's hard to not focus on it. Two different directions this can go. I don't want to be pessimistic and plan for Cycle #5, but I also don't want to be caught unprepared and have delays. <sigh> Sometimes this process sucks. 
• Attended a friend's baby shower for her "surprise" baby. She missed a Birth Control Pill and got pregnant. It was kind of weird being at a baby shower... Not horrible, but almost like an outer body experience! LOL. I brought Little Guy with me (with permission), but didn't realize that others wouldn't bring their small kids. This is the first shower I went to where people didn't bring their kids... But everyone else was married - I don't really have the luxury of just leaving Little Guy for a few hours on the weekend without planning for it and paying $$ for a sitter. 
• It's so crazy how disconnected I feel from myself when I'm on fertility meds! I think that makes the TWW harder because I'm not totally myself, and don't feel like myself - which makes me think of the TWW, which makes me think of getting pregnant, which makes me think about if I'm not pregnant, which means my mind is constantly thinking about this. Silly circular patterns. Staying distracted is so hard! Darn these fertility drugs! Will be grateful if they help me get pregnant, but will be happy when I don't have to take them anymore. Necessary evil. 
• Just to be totally transparent... And I hate to type this as I fear it'll jinx me this cycle. But, I've been sharing all the bad stuff - the fears and worries and everything, that I also want to share good things. I had a few dreams that this cycle was a success! That it actually worked. Time will tell if my dream/thoughts were for "this cycle", but I'm hoping these dreams and feelings comes true! Fingers crossed!  
• I had my 6-month Diabetic Checkup with my PCP. He wants me to exercise more! Since I haven't been exercising since TTC. We are doing some blood work to see where my A1C levels are at. I asked if the diabetes can be impacting my egg quality. This has been a big fear of mine! He said no, since it's controlled. We'll know more when my blood work comes back. He did say that the Metformin should help me with TTC. I hope so! 

I had a lot of complaining and overall grumpiness during this TWW! Sheesh. Sorry for the bitter read. 😁 But honestly, if this cycle leads to a BFP -- I will go through all of this again! 

I think most of the underlying bitter thoughts (besides the progesterone side-effects suck!) is that I'm not so sure if this will lead to a BFP and a Cycle #5 just pisses me off. Searching for a new donor and spending the $ for it just stresses me out. <sigh> 

I've been looking into: domestic infant adoption, adopting embryos, and using donor eggs. Just looking at all the options available. I never really understood embryo adoption or donor eggs, but I've now learned a lot. It's very interesting. Still hoping I'll be successful with TTC with my own eggs... 

I just hope at the end of this journey, that I will indeed have my little Baby C in my arms and I can say, "This was all worth it." 

Next Step: Beta Test 8/31 @ 8:00 am

Parent/Tot Tumbling Class with Little Guy

This month, I enrolled Little Guy and me in a Parent/Tot Tumbling class through my City's recreation program. It was 4 classes. 

I wasn't sure what to expect! What I noticed: 

• He is extremely active (I always knew this - but interesting seeing it in an organized activity environment). 
• He's also very independent and would rather do his own thing rather than participating with me and going through obstacle courses.
• He's only 20 months and his attention span is pretty short, he loses interest in the organized activities after 10 minutes. Which I think is age-appropriate. 
• He is a jokester, trying to get other kids to laugh with him and acting silly. 
• When he needed a "break" he went and sat down by himself. 
• He is very confident. I hope this sticks. 

The class is geared to have the Parent and Toddler interact, kinda. Basically, I'm left following him around and encouraging him to go through the obstacle course and praising him when he makes it through. The thing is, my Little Guy would rather try it on his own and he doesn't really like it when I hover! 

Things he liked: 

• He liked trying to do the forward roll! 
• He liked rolling on the floor, thought it was funny. 
• He liked doing the obstacle course once - maybe twice. After that, he was done. 
• He has great balance! He's able to walk on some of the balance beams with hardly any assistance. 
• He liked the music more than the activities. 
• He's very coordinated. 

Something I learned as a parent is he doesn't need to be "perfect" and go through the obstacle course exactly as it is! It's ok if he's different and does things differently. It's silly, but at first I felt this pressure to have him go through each step exactly as it was intended. Not sure why I felt that way. Here he is "crawling" over the balance beam instead of walking on it. He would find a "different way" to do the obstacle course each time he ventured through it. He's creative and thinks outside the box, I love that about him! After all, this was all about him having fun. And he did :) 

It was also interesting watching other parents with their kids. There are so many different parenting styles. 

I'm glad we did the class. Now, I have a better understanding of what he might like going forward. I also got to know him a little better being in a different "organized" setting. I definitely want to enroll him in different types of recreation classes when he gets older (most are geared towards 3 years and older). I would also love an activity we could do together and bond. This class didn't really aid towards that. It'll be fun finding more things to do with him. 

My Dysfunctional Family

This post will be a little difficult for me to write, as it involves discussing some family situations. This post will not directly relate to TTC or Adoption, but has its connections since I'm trying to build my family right now. Family impacts "family".

I wrote a post in 2010 with little bit about me, that touched on some of my background and why I became a Foster Parent. This will expand on that a bit. I have a pretty dysfunction family.

Family Dysfunction Report (the short version)

My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. I have an older brother and a younger brother (half-brother from my mother). My father raised my older brother and me. Our mother wasn't really in our lives growing up and caused more harm than good when she was in our lives. My father wasn't the most "maternal" person. We lived in constant chaos with a lot of hitting, yelling, screaming, hurting, ignoring. We didn't have meals together, we each ate in our rooms alone and watched TV in our rooms alone. The cops came to our house numerous times (called by the neighbors). After being a foster parent, I'm amazed that my brother and I were never taken into custody. But my father was an ex-cop and retired military, he knew how to play the "wounded single father act" raising his "difficult daughter." In the 1980's, single father's were a rarity.

Growing up was difficult. I didn't really have any guidance or direction or support. My father "put up with me". In hindsight, I wasn't the easiest of children. Having been a foster parent, I know now that it wasn't my fault - but back then, I felt like it was my fault that our family was the way it was. It didn't help that my brother, father, and mother supported those guilty feelings. I was the "black sheep of the family" who "ruined everything" (not my words).

In 2001 my parents re-married. You would think "that's wonderful!" But the truth of it was, my mother was using my dad and it was a disaster for many reasons. At that point in my life, I was away at college - but it still impacted me greatly. They legally separated in 2008, but haven't actually divorced yet. So technically, the second marriage has lasted longer than the first marriage (although my parents haven't even seen each other since 2009). The marriage was really over before 2008, but that's when the big fall out happened. I haven't seen or spoken to my mother since 2009. She refuses to see my older brother and me. My brother can care less about seeing her. I'm back and forth on it. But it's her choice to be away from her children. Not sure if I'll write an entry about my Mother... maybe one day.

My Relationship with my Father

My relationship with my father has gone from hot to cold throughout the years. We weren't close when I was living in his household (I moved out at 18). But when I moved out, we grew closer - although it was still a toxic relationship. My father was the only "family" I really had. We have no cousins/aunts/uncles in the United States.

In 2010, we had a big falling out. Bigger than our normal fights. It lasted until last month (July 2015).  It may sound weird and others think it's mean, but the separation from contact with my father was a blessing in disguise. We had such a toxic relationship, that not speaking to him felt good. No more arguments, no more judgments, no more put downs, no more guilt, no more blaming. I didn't even realize that I felt all those things until contact was stopped with my father. I could finally breathe and could focus on my life as it was -- and not the way he told me I was. If that makes sense? I started working on myself, I started taking PS-MAPP classes to become a foster parent. I completed my Sacraments through RCIA at the Catholic Church. I got into the best shape of my adult life. I was feeling really good about my life choices.

I did try to reconcile with my father multiple times the first few years. He refused to return my phone calls, didn't respond to my emails, and was bad mouthing me to my brother. Eventually I gave up. Figured, it takes two people to make a relationship work - he wasn't ready or willing. But I left it open, that if he reached out to me that I would be willing to try and work it out. My dad is stubborn though, but I didn't think it would take him half a decade to finally talk to me.

The first year was the hardest without the contact. I felt very lonely. I had just moved to a new State and haven't made many friends out here yet. Having birthdays and holidays pass with no calls - no cards - nothing... was really tough.

Last month, Little Guy and I attended a friend's wedding. We grew up together, so our entire family was invited (my dad, my brother, and me). I wasn't sure what was going to happen when I saw my father. Would he ignore me? Would he cause a scene at the wedding? What was going to happen? I was pretty freaked out about it and felt totally unprepared.

My father didn't know anything about my life in the last 5 years. Since our falling out, I become a single foster mother. I fostered 8 children. I am in the process of adopting my Little Guy. I am also TTC my first birth child (which no one in my family knows about yet). So much has happened, that I feel like a totally different person.

At the wedding, he didn't initiate conversation. Everyone just told me, "Talk to him." Finally, I had no choice. I just went up to him and said, "Hi Dad, this is Little Guy, your soon-to-be grandson." My dad was pretty shocked. He actually thought Little Guy was my birth child at first! My dad has blond hair/blue eyes like Little Guy does. We talked a little bit, I told him about being a foster parent and about adopting Little Guy. He was surprised and had no clue. He said he was "proud of me." He even hinted that he may make the adoption, which unexpectedly made me thrilled.

We didn't talk about what had happened with our big falling out in 2010. It wasn't the right venue for that, we were at a wedding. I let myself think that maybe this was the start of reconciliation. I even started to think, "Wow, Little Guy can have a Grandpa!" This was a big shocker for me... as I just looked at "my family" as my brother and me for so long. I started imagining Little Guy having a relationship with his Grandpa.

I started to believe that it would all work out. I didn't have a "happily ever after" thing in mind... but I never had grandparents growing up and I just thought how wonderful it would be for Little Guy to have a Grandpa.

We're visiting town again over Labor Day weekend so I can visit with some of my dear friends. I decided to call my father and see if he wanted to meet Little Guy and me for lunch. Maybe start building back our relationship and for him to get to know Little Guy. I was also contemplating telling him about TTC and *if* this cycle was a success, if I would tell him early.

I called last week. He didn't pick up. I was too scared to leave a message (but my name/number came up on the caller ID). Then, I called again last weekend and this time had enough guts to leave a message.

It's been a week and he hasn't called me back.

At first, I thought: "give it a few days". Now that it's a week later... I'm not so sure he's going to call me back.

I didn't expect to be so disappointed. But I am. I let some of those walls down that I've built throughout the years. I started to believe in my "Family" again. I started to believe that my father would be at our adoption. I started to imagine Little Guy having a Grandpa in his life. I started imagining having my dad back in my life.

Now, I wish I would've kept my guard up.
I wish that his lack of contact didn't impact me so negatively.
I wish it didn't hurt so bad.

It doesn't help that the adoption process isn't going as smoothly as I'd like.
It doesn't help that I think Cycle #4 is going to be a NTT.

I tried to bury my disappointment, but today it was just too much. Maybe he'll surprise me and call me back? Maybe he'll surprise me and show up to the adoption? I don't know. I honestly just feel like closing that door. Now, I wonder if he'll disappoint Little Guy if I allow him to have a relationship with him. But I also wonder if Little Guy will be resentful of me if I don't allow him a relationship... Not to mention what would happen if/when Baby C arrives. Choices - choices.

For now, he's not contacting me. I'll cross that bridge if I have to. Right now, I'll just go on as I have and not expect anything from my father.

Adoption Update: No Progress :(

Ok, so I misunderstood my Licensing Worker (LW) on how things were going with getting Certified to Adopt.

The "Certification to Adopt" is the important thing that I need in order to get an adoption date. This is what I've been waiting for.

What needed to happen to get my Certification to Adopt? This process was never thoroughly explained to me and it's a little different since I'm adopting from foster care with a child that is currently in my care. Here are the steps from how I now understand it:

1. Parental Rights needed to be severed.  -Completed in June 
2. Case needs to be transitioned to the Adoptions Unit. - Completed in June 
3. Adoptions Case Manager needs to send a request to my Licensing Agency. - Completed in June 
4. My LW needed to request an "Adoption Certification Number" (AC#) from the court. This takes about 3-4 weeks. -  Completed at the end of July  
5. After the AC# is received, my LW needs to submit my adoption home study and request a "conversion" to the court. AFTER it's submitted, it takes 3-4 weeks to get the Certification to Adopt. - This is where we are held up. Supposedly, they are submitting it this week. I'll believe it when I see it. 
6. After my Certification to Adopt is approved, then I can talk to an Adoption Lawyer and request an adoption date.

So, since Step #5 hasn't been completed and I'm still waiting for them to submit it -- it's delaying the process. Technically, my LW could have completed Step#4 earlier - but didn't, so that's delayed things too. I'll be happier once I receive confirmation that they've submitted my Home Study to the court, as my agency will not really be in the picture after that. 

At this point, I am looking at an adoption date to be at the end of November or sometime in December. I don't even know if I'll qualify to participate in NAD at this point. Ugh. I'm very frustrated. I'm trying not to be annoyed or say, "Geez, just submit the Home Study already!!!" 

I'm trying not to be impatient, but patience has never been my thing. Plus, there is NO REASON for the delay. We just completed my Foster Care mid-year renewal in May. Most of the information is the same for the Adoption Home Study, they just needed to tweak it a bit. I completed the additional questionnaire documents in early June. I just feel like there is no excuse for the delay. 

It's mostly mental for me. I keep thinking, he's turning 2 in December. I want his birthday to be HIS day and not be an "adoption-related" day. I want to celebrate the Holidays with him being my legal son. I don't want him to be in foster care for any longer, adding more and more days to time in care. I've been waiting for a long time and I just want the adoption to happen, so that I don't have to fear that they'll take him from me. Yes, that fear is still there and it's still a slight possibility! I just want some peace of mind. 

In the long scheme of things, I'm sure none of this will matter... But right now, it feels so big to me. He's been in foster care since he was 4 days old - there's no reason he shouldn't have finalization and permanency by now. This is where the system fails the kids and the families wanting to adopt. It really shouldn't take this long. 

Anyways. Just complaining and worried and trying to plan -- makes it so hard! Friends/Family from out of town want to know the date so that they can plan... but I can't give them a date. Just so frustrating. :(  

Little Guy's 1st Haircut!

It was finally time to say "goodbye" to the mullet! Little Guy was born with a good amount of hair -- until it all fell out. He's been sporting the "old man" look since he was a month old. 

Since it took so long to grow in, I was hesitant to cut it. Also, since he's a foster child -- previously, I would've needed birth parent approval to cut his hair. 

Well, it was time to just get it done! 

BEFORE: 

Little Guy did extremely well!!! I found a place that was close to the house that did a "1st haircut" package and that catered to small kids. 

There was a TV, there were bubbles, there were games, there was a train track in the waiting room. I really liked this place! 

We got a certificate and a 1st Haircut picture printed out. I also got to keep some of his hair. 

Little Guy sat nicely, didn't cry, didn't complain. I was highly impressed with how well-behaved he was! 

AFTER: 

It's so weird how much a haircut makes a difference! He looks like a totally different kid! I even got suckered into buying some spray mousse for his hair. Lol. It'll help with the cow-lick and it has SPF in it! Which is really good because his hair is so thin, I would sometimes add sunblock to his head (if he refused to wear a hat). 

Another milestone for Little Guy: the 1st Haircut. Farewell mullet, you'll be missed. 

Adoption: To NAD or not to NAD, that is the question.

The longer it takes me to move forward with adopting, it's pushing back my adoption date. Once everything gets green-lighted, I should be able to get an adoption date within 60 days. The reason I get to receive an adoption date within 60 days is because my son has been with me for more than a year, so they try to fast-track the adoption.

However, it's taking forever for things to get green-lighted! The longer it takes - the more things get pushed back on the timeline. At this point, I *might* be able to get a late October adoption date (if I'm lucky), but most likely it's going to be in November. In order to receive an October adoption date, I would need to get green-lighted next week... but then the adoption date would fall close to Halloween, which is not a good idea. Anytime after next week will land me a November date. November is also when they have "National Adoption Day" (NAD).

So, the question is: Should I ask for my adoption to be on NAD?

I've attended adoptions on NAD and on non-NAD days. I personally wasn't impressed with the NAD festivities... However, it was more festive and there was an air of excitement. On non-NAD days, there can be a mix of people in the court house and feels a little weird celebrating when others aren't.

The issue is, November is a crazy month! Thanksgiving is one weekend and there's a lot of other things happening every single weekend in November.

I've decided to make  PRO-CON list to try and make a decision.

Pros and Cons of Participating in NAD 

PROS:

• It's on the weekend. 
• The event is more exciting. 
• More people can potentially make it since it's on a Saturday. 
• Can do the adoption and the adoption finalization party on the same day. 
• More people are allowed in the court room. 
• Professional family picture after adoption hearing. 
• Can potentially video record it. 

CONS:

• The court house for NAD is far. About a 45 minute drive. 
• It's so close to Thanksgiving, that out of state friends/family may not be able to make it. 
• There is a conference that weekend that many of my local friends will be attending, so they would not be able to make our adoption. 
• It's so close to Little Guy's birthday.  
• Lots of people are already traveling that week due to Thanksgiving. 

The deadline to file petitions for NAD is 10/9/15...

Ugh. Of course this is all on stand-by until I can actually talk to my lawyer! I can't talk to her until my agency gets their act together and submits all my stuff to the court. It's frustrating not being able to plan for anything. If things went smoothly, I would have an adoption date already.  <sigh>

I guess I shouldn't complain, as I'm extremely grateful to be adopting! I just wish the adoption would happen a few months before the holidays and before Little Guy's birthday. I want them to be "separate" events and not combine the adoption into any birthday/holiday celebrations.

But we are where we are. I think I'm leaning towards NAD, even if I feel like the Cons out-weigh the Pros. It would be nice if I can get the date sooner than later so I can send out a "save the date" thing and maybe people can plan to make it out.

The best thing is I am going to be adopting my Little Guy. These are just the minute details. I would like all those that have been part of our journey to be a family to attend. But I know that is just wishful thinking.

Edited to Add: Another PRO for NAD is that you can record the adoption procedures (confirmed from the adoption lawyer). On non-NAD days, you can't. This would be great, since Little Guy will be too young to remember it and I would love to show him the recording of when we officially became a family.

20 Months is a fun age - Most of the time

Thought I would do an update on my Little Guy. He's totally indoctrinated into Toddler-hood these days. What's fun about all of this is, this is the first time I've had a Toddler from the beginning! So, most of these things are new to both of us. It's so fun watching him grow up. It still feels surreal to know that I'm adopting him and I will get to watch him grow up to become a young man! He's such a blessing and he's so much fun! His little personality just shines.

Favorite Activities: 

• Lots of talking I don't understand, but I pretend to, and he acts so serious while he's talking to me about whatever he's talking about. 
• Toddler whining - trying to get him to "use his words". It's drama up in here sometimes. 
• How fast he can run away from me. He's there, then he's not! Maybe when he's older he should get into track. 
• He loves making fishy faces when eating Gold Fish or playing in the bath. 
• He likes crawling on the floor pretending to be a dog. 
• Hitting his head on anything and saying "ouch" - then laughing. I don't like this one very much... 
• Randomly falling and hitting his face, not on purpose and getting real "ouchie" moments.  
• Making his stuffed animals dance and talk. 
• Randomly licking stuff - like anything and everything. Yuck! 
• Jumping - or trying to. On the bed, on the couch, on a chair - on anything. 
• Trying to go up and down the stairs like a "big boy" - even if his legs are too short to reach up the steps. 
• Playing peek-a-boo & yelling "boo" when he pokes his head out. 
• Dancing like a sumo wrestler. 
• Blowing raspberries on Mommy. 
• Working on the "shock" face for everything & looking at me to make sure I have my "shocked" face on too.
• Chewing food and spitting it out - just because it's funny and makes the food look interesting.
• Saying "Cheese!" when taking pictures. 
• Going up the stairs when he should be going down. Going down the stairs when he should be going up. Laughing his head off when I'm chasing after him! 
• Being really good at the store and walking by mommy nicely. Then, out of no where -- runs down an aisle screaming at the top of his lungs. Leaving mommy to chase him, which he thinks is hilarious as he laughs and laughs and laughs until I finally get him. Then he looks confused when he's confined to the cart and not free to roam around. 

Chores/responsibilities: 

I didn't realize I was giving Little Guy "Chore" type responsibilities. But I guess I have! It's been working well thus far, he is at the age where he likes helping and doing things for himself. Hopefully it'll build good habits.

• Put clothes in the hamper 
• Put toys away while singing the "Clean Up" song 
• Put shoes away in basket 
• Get shoes when time to put them on 
• Putting diaper in the trash 
• New: Cup stays on cup holder on table - responsible for getting cup when thirsty and putting it back. 
• New: putting plate and cups in dishwasher (with help) - opening dishwasher, pulling trays out, placing items inside, then closing dishwasher. 

Choices:

I've also been giving Little Guy "Choices" when I can. He really enjoys looking at his options and then pointing one out that he wants. This has surprisingly been going really well.  

• Gets to choose "story time" book. Usually give the option between two. 
• Gets to choose PJ's and clothes. Option between two. 
• Chooses carnation packets to make.
• Chooses snack items. 

Parent Fails: 

We all learn as we go with this parenting thing. Here are a few things I learned recently with having a full fledged Toddler. 

• I was working on transitioning Little Guy to a booster chair and training on forks/spoons - at the same time. I thought it would be nice to have him sit at the table with me instead of sitting a little away with the tray table on his booster seat. Well, the first thing he does is STAB the table with his fork! My table now has some nice scratches on it. Needless to say, I'm now training him on utensils and we'll work on the "getting to eat at the table" thing later. 
• Usually, when Little Guy is ready to get up - he gets out of bed on his own. One morning I hear him whining, but not very loud. I look at the monitor and he's still in bed. So, I don't worry about it. 30 minutes goes by and he's still whining and in bed. I think, "that's weird and not like him." So, I finally go in the room and it turns out his foot was stuck in the crib portion of his toddler bed! He was stuck and couldn't get it out. That's why he was in bed. I felt bad, maybe should've checked on him sooner! 
• We had our "First poop incident". He was napping in his diaper and had a big poop. He was sitting there playing with it, taking it out of his diaper. I heard him on the baby monitor, but I couldn't see what he was doing as he had his back to the monitor. When I walked in, he held up his hand to me and they were covered by his poop. I was shocked and said, "Oh s***!" Bad move, he then started repeating the phrase over and over again. First Parent Fail: putting him in only his diaper for nap time. Second Fail: Word choices. 
• BUG BITES! Bugs just LOVE him! Ugh. I've been researching bug sprays for kids. He has a bad reaction to them and they end up swelling pretty big. Poor guy. Need to find a solution! 

Little Guy is growing up so quick! 

Adoption Update: A little forward progress

It's taking FOREVER to get Certified to Adopt!!! This is the big hold up on getting an adoption date. Today, finally received some "movement" forward!

Email from my licensing worker (who I've been bugging by emailing every week asking for an update) just responded to this week's 'Any Updates?' email: 

"Yes, I'm submitting the home study today to the adoptions supervisor for review which may take a couple of days and then submitting it to court!" 

Yippee! Once it gets submitted to the court, I can finally contact an adoptions lawyer! So maybe next week there'll be "actual" movement and by the end of the month I will have an adoption date. Hoping for an October date! 

Next steps: After the submission to court, contact my adoption lawyer!

IUI Cycle #4: Insemination Day

Today was a busy day. I had an appointment for my Little Guy this morning (pre-scheduled) for a specialists doctor. I couldn't reschedule it as it takes a month or two just to get in. So, I had to take a half-day sick day today -- between Little Guy's morning appointment and my IUI appointment in the afternoon. Luckily, I discussed this possibility with my manager last week and she was fine with it. It just left me with a busy day running around all over the place in this heat, but nothing unmanageable!

Arriving at the Clinic 

Here's how it went down:

• I arrived 20 minutes early. 
• Waited in waiting room for 6 minutes. 
• Go to the room and undressed from waist down. Wait a few minutes before the RE came in. 
• Confirm Donor # and sign papers. 
• Lay down and get into "the position" with feet in stirrups and a light shining on my private bits.  
• Speculum goes in, a little pinch this time - but not painful, just uncomfortable. 
• Catheter inserted, felt a little tickle. 
• RE said, "And they're in!" 
• Time lapsed from entering room until RE left: 6 minutes. 
• Laid down for 10 minutes. 
• Scheduled Beta appointment. 
• All done!
• Drove to daycare to pick up Little Guy.  

Sperm Analysis

Last vial of the vials I purchased for my sperm donor. The very last one. Never thought I'd get here! When I originally purchased this donor's sperm, I really believed that it would be "the one" to help me get pregnant. Fingers crossed that the last vial has the one sperm to inseminate one of my eggs, had great counts today!

• Sperm Count: 40 million 
• Motility: 65%

How do I feel? 

I'm already planning for the next cycle, just in case. Things go so quickly between cycles and I'm going to have to be quick about ordering more donor sperm. I already know that my protocol will stay the same, so the cost will remain the same. So I need to budget for donor sperm. I need to choose a new donor and make sure it gets delivered before the IUI. Easier said than done. Choosing a donor can be tough and a little time consuming picking someone. I had shipping issues last time, so I know it's possible to run into issues.

I want this cycle to be successful, but I need to be prepared if it's not. Two weeks and counting until I find out...

Come on magic baby dust! Let's make a baby. Hopefully the magic is happening right now.

Next Steps:

1. The dreaded Two Week Wait 
2. Beta Test on Monday, 8/31 @ 8:00 a.m. 

IUI Cycle #4: Trigger Day

I took my trigger shot this morning at 3:30 am. Almost all my trigger times have been so early! It's always hard to sleep ahead of time because I worry I won't wake up and mess up the timing. 

Something weird is that last night I was having a lot of pain on my right side. At first I was thinking maybe it's appendix related... But I didn't have any other symptoms for appendicitis, so ruled that out. The reason this is weird is because I haven't had pain like this before for any other cycle. It was so uncomfortable, that it made it hard to sleep. It was like his dull pain. Might be due to my two lead follicles in the right ovary? Who knows. The pain is gone today, so not really sure why I had that pain. 

Anyways, here is my trigger shot set-up: 

This was my first time using Novarelle, normally I use Pregnyl. The mixing was the same, so that went smoothly. If they're the "same thing", I wonder why Novarelle is more expensive than Pregnyl? The pharmacy was out of Pregnyl when I ordered, which is why I ended up with the Novarelle. But there's about a $20 difference for the same type of injection that does the exact same thing. Odd. 

For some reason I hesitated during the injection part!!!! I think it's because I was groggy and my eyes weren't really focused. But I was breathing hard and it took me a little bit to inject. The trigger shot, there's no burning sensation (unlike the FSH injection - Bravelle). 

Normally after I do the trigger injection, I can't go back to sleep afterwards. Thankfully I was able to get back to sleep after this one! 

Really hoping this cycle is the one....!!!! I have good sized follies and this cycle is aligned to my normal cycle. Praying and hoping and crossing fingers/toes that baby dust will be present this cycle. 

Next Steps: IUI #4 tomorrow at 3:30 pm. 

IUI Cycle #4: Mid-Cycle Ultrasound, Cycle is a Go!

This cycle has felt longer than previous ones. Not really sure why the different "feel" of things. When I did my IUI's in April-May, things felt fast, like I could hardly keep up. This time, it feels so slow going. Maybe it's because the longer cycles with the mini stim?

To relax a bit, I got a two-hour massage yesterday. Felt amazing! Need to make the time to get a massage more often. 

Going into the ultrasound, I was hoping for: 3 mature follicles >18mm and uterine lining >8mm. Here's the actual results: 

• Number of follicles: 
• Left Ovary - 13mm
• Right Ovary - 24mm, 21mm
• Uterine lining: 9mm

How do I feel? 

I'm a little worried that my IUI isn't scheduled until Monday, as my RE's office is closed on weekends. My follicles are a little big, so I worry about that. Not sure the left ovary follicle will catch up by Monday. They grow 1-2mm a day... So potentially it can grow to 16-19mm and release with the bigger ones. 

This IUI will use my last vial of donor sperm... I contemplated using a different donor for this cycle. I opted against it due to the costs. If this cycle doesn't work, I will be purchasing more donor sperm. It was so hard to purchase sperm the first go around... Hopefully if I get to a second donor, it'll be easier to decide. 

I spoke to me RE about "if" this cycle doesn't work, what the medication protocol should be... Move to an injectables-only round? My RE said there were studies that there were no improvement in % chances from what I'm doing now (mini-stim) vs injectables-only. That I respond well to the medication protocol, so no need for the extra costs (medication and monitoring). An injectables-only round would double the price. 

If I respond so well, why isn't it working?!!! That's the frustrating part of it all. The only thing I can think is that my eggs aren't good quality. There's no way to confirm unless/until I move to IVF and they can test the eggs. Still hoping I don't get that far... 

I have to admit, I feel like screaming "Work this time!!!" Well... I guess I kind of did say that out loud when I was driving to the appointment! I just want it to work. I want to get pregnant. I want to start planning for this wonderful miracle instead of just hoping for it. All these failed cycles are frustrating - let's get lucky this time! Come on try #4!!!! 

Next Steps: 

• Trigger Shot on 8/16 @ 3:30am
• IUI on 8/17 @ 3:30pm 
• Beta Test on 8/31 

Taking a Deeper Look into IVF-Land

I want to be proactive in my TTC journey and figure out my benefits related to Infertility Treatments and IVF coverage. Originally, I didn't even want to touch the subject because I don't want to jinx myself for my remaining IUI's. However, I decided knowledge is power in making decisions and moving forward.

Step #1: Determine Coverage 

I called my insurance to see what is covered for Infertility Treatments. To qualify for Infertility Benefits: 

• My FSH Hormone Level needs to be <19. Needs to be taken within 6 months and on CD 3 of the cycle. 
• NOTE: My levels met this requirement at my December blood work (B/W) on CD3. I will need to redo my B/W though, if/when the time comes.
• I need to have 6 medicated and monitored cycles that failed. 
• NOTE: I am on Try #4 right now. 

I have pretty good Infertility Coverage (once I qualify): 

• Fertility Clinic needs to be in-network. 
• My insurance will cover 80% of costs. 
• I will have to cover 20% of costs. 
• Once I meet my deductible and out-of-pocket costs, they will cover 100% of charges. 

The Good: I've met my deductible and I'm close to meeting my out-of-pocket fees in 2015! I have about $500 left to get there. 

The Bad: the coverage starts over beginning January 1st.  

What does that mean? It would be financially beneficial to do IVF in 2015 vs. 2016. In 2016, my out-of-pocket fees will go back to $0 and I'll have to pay: the deductible and the out-of-pocket fees, for them to cover costs 100%. However, it's still at the 80/20 rate. Meaning, I only have to pay 20% of the costs. So, not horrible... just a better situation if I start in 2015. 

Where I am right now, if I continue to have failed cycles: 

IUI #4 - August 

IUI #5 - September 

IUI #6 - October 

If I get to this point, I am going to aim to do IVF in November / December. 

Step #2: Deciding on a Fertility Clinic 

I really like my fertility clinic. Things I like: 

• I always see the RE at every single visit! 
• My RE does all the ultrasounds. 
• My RE performs the IUI. 
• I speak directly to my RE for consultations. 

However, they might not take me for IVF due to my BMI. I'm "borderline" for their IVF requirements at the moment. I would prefer to stick with them. If they won't take me as an IVF patient, I'm looking at other fertility clinics and asking them about their BMI limits. 

I've thought about trying to lose weight... and I know that is on my "to do" list. But with all the hormones and stress from TTC and the medication throwing me off... not to mention regular/normal life/work/mommy-duties/foster-duties...  It's not as easy as checking it off the list. The weight I lost at the beginning of the year (while waiting to TTC) I've gained back due to all of these factors. <sigh> Only if I could be Super Woman and just do it all! Or wave my magic wand and make everything perfect. But in reality, it's not that easy. 

I am going to wait to schedule consultations until I have a 5th failed cycle... at that point, I want to be scheduling consults with at least a few clinics. 

The only thing is, the consultation fee is $300 at most clinics. Yikes! I need to check if my insurance will cover the consultation fees prior to the infertility benefits kicking in. If not, then I would have to wait until failed IUI #6 before I can even have a consult. Which is concerning, as I need to make sure the IVF happens in 2015 for the insurance coverage. I'm on a strict timeline here! 

Lots to think about. At least I know where I stand on things IF things go this way. I really don't want to get here though... IVF scares me. The shots, the monitoring, the egg retrievals, the costs, the time, the medication/hormone changes. There's so much to it. It scares me to think about putting my body through all of this. 

I'm hoping and praying and crossing my fingers/toes that IUI #4 is successful. 

IUI Cycle #4: Mini Stimulation Round 2.0

For Cycle #4, I'm following the same mini-stimulation medication that I took during Cycle #3. I responded well to it, producing 2 lead (and 1 borderline) follicles. Adding any other medication would probably overstimulate me at this point.

My Meds: Clomid + Bravelle 

Clomid

For the love of Clomid, I didn't have any "unusual" reactions to it. Same ol, same ol to previous cycles: 

• Hot flashes - almost right away 
• Emotional - crying over sad news stories. Crying over sentimental things. 
• A little short tempered. 
• Breaking out! It's like a flash back to my teen years. Pimples. Yuck. 

Bravelle

You'd think that since I'm on round #4 and have given myself 6 shots thus far, that I wouldn't worry about the injections. Nope, the first one is always iffy! Mixing has gotten easier, as I feel more confident with it. Bravelle package: 

The injection part is always so hard to not hesitate. It got easier after the first one. 

Needle going in wasn't bad. Then, the initial burn of the medication when it first starts going in. Otherwise, not too bad. The injection site was a little sore after the first injection.

No noticeable side-effects. Officially have given myself 9 shots total since TTC.

How do I feel? 

I actually feel extremely positive about this cycle. I keep repeating positive affirmations to myself to keep my mind positive. I'm not as busy this month (as I've been for previous cycles), so staying "busy" has been a little more challenging. Luckily, I have a few personal projects I'm working on to keep me distracted. Plus, there's my Little Guy I need to keep up with :)

My hopes for this cycle: I'll produce 3 follicles, all above 18mm. My lining will have a good triple layer above 8mm. Fingers crossed!

Next Step: Mid-Cycle Ultrasound 8/14 @ 2:45 p.m. 

Declutter Project: Maintaining + Building Routines, Part 4

Although not exactly "decluttering", after my big cleanups in Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 of my Declutter Project, I've found some challenges on maintaining. That's when I decided that I need a routine and  maintenance plan after a cleanup. That way, I do not go back to the previous state of things.

What I've figured out is: I can't be perfect! I have to learn as I go. Maybe something doesn't work, that's ok - just make a change. I've noticed that I've already started making constant adjustments in order to keep my home clutter free (well, not completely -- YET!) and in working order.  The routine has to work with my schedule and with my energy levels. 

A note to self: I need to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier!! I'm more productive in the mornings. But if I go to sleep too late, I lag. I need that energy, as I get more done in the AM hours vs. PM hours. 

Kitchen

Now that the kitchen is in almost perfect order, I have to maintain that. For the most part, I've been doing well: Take something out, put it back after you're done. That might sound simple and easy. But add into it the hustle and bustle of daily life with a toddler and a dog and my own stuff. I've had to constantly tell myself to put things away, to take that extra minute.

Challenge: Dishes. One of my biggest faults is emptying the dishwasher and If the dishwasher isn't emptied, then the dirty dishes end up with no place to go and stay in the sink - creating a visual nightmare.
Solution: Trying to empty the dishwasher at NIGHT time. So, start the dishwasher after dinner. Do Little guy's good-night routine, then by the time I get back down to the kitchen, the dishwasher should be done running. Emptying it at night I've found to work better for me. As the mornings are too busy and I end up not getting to it. 

Challenge: Cooking - cleaning up after I've cooked.
Solution: This one I've gotten better at. I've started filling the sink with hot water prior to even cooking. All the used dishes get put in the sink after use. That way, they can be put directly in the dishwasher after I'm done. Non-dishwasher items I will hand wash. I also have gotten better about wiping down the counters at night time.

Challenge: All the junk ends up in the kitchen.
Solution: The kitchen is a "Catch All" area for things that need to go upstairs and don't belong downstairs. I've decided to use an empty drawer in the kitchen to "catch all" things. Then, at night time (or during the day) - I start bringing the stuff in the catch all upstairs (or to its designated areas in the house). So, by the end of the day - there are no items in the "Catch All" area. 

Challenge: Recycling - the recycling always ends up on the kitchen counter! Even though I dump the recycling in the recycle bin at end of day - it was just a visual eye sore to see it there.

Solution: I need a small trash bin for recycling! For now, I'm using a small box. It seems to be working fine thus far. But eventually I think another trash bin would work best. 

Clothes

I do a load of laundry a day, M-F. I hate doing laundry on weekends, so try to get it done during the work week. Ive used the Fly Lady technique in the past and have loved it for most things, especially laundry. My washing categories: 

• Monday - Adult Colors 
• Tuesday - Adult whites 
• Wednesday- Towels 
• Thursday - Adult sheets 
• Friday - Kid clothes 
• Infrequent (1x a month): bath mats, pet items. 

I work from home, which makes laundry-management easier. I start a load in the morning (about 5:45am), swap it to the dryer at my morning snack/water break, then fold either during my lunch break (if I take one), if I'm listening in on a conference call, or at night after my son goes to sleep. 

Benefits of a load a day: 

• There's not as many clothes to fold and put away. 
• It's manageable for me, this is the only method I've been able to maintain. 
• I hate marathon laundry days! When I do marathon laundry loads - I never end up folding and putting away. This eliminates that. 

I've noticed that I don't always have to do certain loads every week. Examples: 

• Towels, if washed every week they don't take an entire load. So I switched to every 2 weeks, but still replace towels 1-2x's during the week. 
• My son's clothes. He has enough clothes to last 2+ weeks. I was washing every week and not filling the entire washer, plus I ended up reusing most of the same outfits (that I liked) and others weren't being used. So I switched to every 2 weeks. 
• Same with my bed sheets, I wash every 2 weeks, but replace every week & rotate mattress weekly. 

So some days I don't have laundry to do - if the hamper isn't filled, it doesn't get washed that week. Exception is my clothes, as I have a lot of tank tops, jeans, skirts I use for different outfits. So I wash my clothes weekly - even if it doesn't fill the washer.

Challenge: Folding / Putting Away
Solution: TBD. Even with a load a day and less to fold, I still have a hard time WANTING to fold. Sometimes the clothes still end up in the dryer for a day before I get to folding them! Luckily, it's not totally out of control - as I will fold them when I get to the load for the following day. But still, it would be better to fold right away and not let it linger. 

Living Room

I reorganized the living room! I took down baby gates, which opened up the living room. This gives my son a little more "freedom" to wonder around... and we're still learning limits and learning to listen. But, so far it's gone well. I like the new feel of how it's organized. 

Challenge: Kid Toys! My son has a lot of toys!!! Do kids really need this many toys?
Solution: TBD. Right now, all his toys are in a basket and bins. It doesn't look too out of control - but I need to find a better alternative. Maybe after the house is all tidied up and I have more space to work with, I'll come up with an idea. 

My Goal: At end of day, leave all areas of the house the way it started in the morning. 

I've been sorting as I go, even if I haven't gotten to that "category" yet - if something is not where it's supposed to be, I've been putting odds and ends of things together in one area. Including donation items. I have a lot of little figurines that have been given away or have been donated.

See my Decluttering Project progress: KonMari Method Plan.

Declutter Project: KonMari Method, Part 3

This new Decluttering Project is fun! I never really thought that decluttering would be exciting, but each day I can't wait to tackle an area. The hardest part is having things "out" that I haven't sorted through yet. So, I'm trying my best not to tackle off more than I can handle in that day. Also, I've been going through categories by convenience instead of the order KonMari Method suggests. It depends on if I'm upstairs/downstairs and if my son is here, at daycare, asleep, etc. Regardless of not following the KonMari to perfection, I've made progress! 

DVD's 

I went out of order again! But I had the opportunity to go through my DVD's and decided I would take advantage of the time. Took me only 20 minutes or so - quick! 

I ended up giving away half my DVD's, donating some, and keeping only a few.  Just haven't decided where I want to keep them, but I'm not sorting/organizing yet - so they're all just in a box for now. 

Toiletries

Decided to tackle the toiletries in my son's bathroom while my son was playing in the bath. He got extra playing time while I sorted piles of trash/donations. Win-win. 

Why I kept so many old hair products? I'll never know. But they're gone now.

I was able to tackle my bathroom as well. Which, to my surprise wasn't too bad! I did a big reorganization thing a year ago and it still works, I just got lazy at maintaining. I threw more stuff out. 

Trash bags: 3

Donation bag: 1 

Recycling: 1

Clothes (Part 2)

It took me awhile to get ALL my Backpacks and Bags into one place. Who knew I had a lot of bags, I just kept coming across them! Eventually, I decided to just pile them onto my couch over a few days and then started sorting. It was easy going.

Hangers. I have so many hangers!!! I ended up donating most of the plastic ones and keeping the wooden ones or the nice plastic ones. I have so many extra... that I may end up donating more of them. But want to wait to decide. It took me awhile to accumulate all wood hangers and would hate to get rid of them.

Done with all clothes categories! Woohoo! Completed project on 8/5. All "adult" clothes categories are done: dresses, suits, pants, tops, undergarments, socks, bathing suits, shoes, belts, purses, bags, backpacks! Woot! 

Donated: 2

Paperwork (Part 2)

Paperwork was slow going. I could only shred during the day, as it was too loud at night and would wake up my son. So, the shredding process was slow going. Mentally, I needed to shred the one box of stuff before I could tackle more paperwork. I just needed to get it out of the way! It was a visual mess I just didn't want.

Can you believe that I had shredding from 2012? I went through a marathon shredding thing in 2011, which is why I have papers from 2012! But can you imagine all the paperwork I've kept? I had papers and documents from 2006 from work (expense reports, receipts, annual evaluations, etc.)!!! I work from home, so all those files came with me when I transitioned to working from home. Crazy.

During my marathon shredding event, my shredder overheated 2 times. One box of paperwork = 5 bags of shredded paper. Yikes. It wasn't even a big box!

The difference this time: I'm actually getting rid of stuff! I'm not just filing stuff to file it. I'm keeping only necessary things.

I also have SOOOO many boxes of paperwork this, paperwork that. This one is by far the hardest category to get through. Good news is, that I've made some progress.

• I finished the remaining kitchen papers. There are NO papers left in the kitchen or the living room. 
• All papers are out of my room! All drawers are cleared. 

Still to go: 

• Boxes of old paper from college in spare room - these might end up being moved to "sentimental".
• Boxes sitting in the garage - these might end up being moved to "sentimental".
• Go back through the combined "sentimental" or "need to keep box" that I've accumulated over the process (foster care paperwork, health care paperwork, and some sentimental pieces). 

Recycle: 1

Shred: 5

Totals: 

• Donated bags: 19
• Recycled: 4
• Trash: 9  
• Shred: 5

See my Decluttering Project progress: KonMari Method Plan.

IUI Cycle #4: Back to the Starting Line

Here we go again: Cycle #4.

When I started this TTC journey, I never thought it would take this long to get pregnant. My tests came back great, I have nothing physical that should hinder me getting pregnant. I was sure it would happen within a few tries. In the beginning I was thinking "WHEN" I have a baby - that it was a for sure thing. Now, things are starting to look like "IF" I can have a baby... I didn't anticipate the possibility that I wouldn't be able to have a baby... 

But here we are - the 4th Cycle, when the odds of success start going down. With IVF becoming a possible option - which I said I would never do... And now I'm thinking I may not have a choice. My RE's office just told me that when/if I get to Cycle #7, that it would start being covered by insurance. Sheesh. Cycle #7... it's not that far away -- just a few more cycles to get there. I'm hoping I don't of course, but at this point - I have no clue how things are going to turn out. 

When I was younger, I used to fear that I would never be able to have babies. It was a fear I used to talk to my doctor's about in my 20's - asking them to check out my ovarian reserve. But none of my doctor's gave me good info and said I was young and shouldn't worry about it. 

I even wrote in my diaries how much I feared not being able to have babies, because the only thing I ever wanted to do was be a mother. I've always wanted to experience pregnancy. Be in a child's life from the beginning. I also want to give Little Guy a sibling (or two). 

Emotionally, I've been handling the cycles pretty well - even with the fertility meds that put me "off" center. But each negative outcome pulls on my heart. I have to wonder: will a cycle ever work? 

It's gnawing at my fears of being infertile and of never being able to have a baby. 

I'm becoming a little bitter about the process. Yes, I'm moving forward. Yes, I still want this. But - I'm a little disenchanted. If I end up getting to the 6th IUI cycle and if I ever end up doing IVF - I need to start seriously thinking: where and when do I stop trying? 

As of now, there's all this forward momentum to keep going, keep trying. Mentally, I need a stopping point - knowing I did all I could do and I can stop trying. Not only mentally, but also financially. The long period of TTC has racked up some significant debt. 

Right now, this is as far as I'm willing to go: 

• 6 IUI's
• 1 IVF fresh cycle 
• FET (frozen embryo transfer) if I have any frosties (until they're all gone). But I need to check my insurance on coverage of IVF and see if I have any limitations on how much they will cover.

If things progress in this direction and none of it works. Then, I'm going to stop there and focus on adopting Baby C instead. If I get to IVF-land, I'm going to actively pursue adoption concurrently,  most likely private adoption. This should not be a "huge" process (paper wise) as I will already be certified to adopt, but it will be a long wait period. 

That's where my thoughts are at with this process. Hopefully Baby C will join our family. Only time will tell if that will be through TTC or adoption. 

Now that I've mentally decided on an "end point", I feel so much better about the process. I can always reevaluate or stop/start again. Nothing is set in stone. But knowing and having a "let's stop here" point, gives me a little peace. 

Cycle #4 Baseline Ultrasound 

• Follicle Count 
• Right ovary: 6
• Left ovary: unknown, they couldn't find it! It's always hard to find, a little worrisome that they couldn't locate it this time. But my RE said he wasn't worried about it. 
• Cysts - no cysts. Good news. 
• Medication Protocol: Same as Cycle #3. RE said I responded well, so we're keeping it the same. 
• Clomid (100 mg x 5 days) CD 3-7
• FSH Injectable - Bravelle (75 iu x 3 days) CD 8-10 
• Baby Aspirin: Daily 
• Prenatal Vitamins: Daily 
• Metformin: Daily 2x's a day 
• Pregnyl (HCG) Trigger Shot (10,000 iu)
• Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories (100 mg 1x a day - day after IUI until pregnancy test). 

If this cycle doesn't work, I'm going to ask my RE about moving to straight injectables next cycle. Which, also increases the costs... <sigh>

Regardless of the costs, the uncertainty, all the unknowns on where this path is going to lead me - I do feel positive about this cycle and really do hope this will be "it". Fingers Crossed. 

When I was in the RE's office, a lady came in to give my RE a baby announcement :) She had just had her baby and wanted to share it with the RE. 

Some other good news, my RE's office had some samples of Bravelle - so they gave it to me this cycle, saving me $200! Woohoo! That was so nice of them. 

Next Steps: 

1. Order medications: trigger, clomid, progesterone. 
2. Mid-cycle Ultrasound scheduled for Friday 8/14 @ 2:45pm. 

Declutter Project: KonMari Method, Part 2

Most of the projects I start because of convenience. For example, over the weekend I decided to tackle the kitchen since my son was playing and I can still watch him while going through the stuff in the kitchen. It went relatively faster than I thought it would!

Kitchen (Part 1) 

Started: 8/1/15
Finished: 8/3/15

The worst parts of my kitchen were:

• the pantry
• extra cabinet space (accumulated junk)
• the drawers (accumulates papers and misc stuff). 

Here is how I tackled things:

• The Pantry: I realized that I was putting a lot of "non food" items in the pantry. I removed ALL non-food, baking, bags, etc. 
• I had a lot of expired foods, since they were buried in the back of my pantry. Bummer. These were trashed. 
• The spices were taking up so much room! I moved them to the extra cabinet space instead. I used old shoe boxes and toddler food stackers in the cabinet and it helped to organize all the spices and cooking items. 
• Moved all grocery bags and trash bags to under the sink. Also, got rid of most of them. Why do I need hundreds of grocery bags? 
• I reorganized my cabinets (emptied everything, got rid of stuff for donation, and then put things back in a more ordered fashion). 
• Got rid of my cookbooks by giving them to a friend. I haven't used them in a decade (or more!). 
• I collect Shot Glasses and they were just sitting on top of my refrigerator. I'm not ready to discard those yet, so I put them in an empty cabinet for now. 
• I removed pictures, papers from the refrigerator -- and threw away some broken magnets (not sure why I kept them!). 

A few years ago I did a big clean up of my kitchen. It helped that I did this, as there wasn't much to discard where kitchen appliances were concerned. The places that were the biggest mess were the most used areas that just seem to accumulate everything that comes into the house! I need a better method to keep things organized.

With all the changes, the kitchen is more functional now and things more easily accessible. Things used more often are easier to get to. I have a lot of room in my pantry to work with.

Donated Bags: 3
Trash: 3

Everything is in the cabinets leaving the counters clear, for the most part. Only things left on the counters: knife block, candle warmer, paper towels, tissues, cup of coins (need to do something with this soon). Feels good to have the entire kitchen organized / clean! 

Project Totals: 

• Donated bags: 16
• Recycled: 2 bags 
• Trash: 6  
• Shred: TBD

See my Decluttering Project progress: KonMari Method Plan.

Flying without Baby

Last week I went on a business trip and flew without my son. It's so strange leaving my son and being so far away from him. I now have these fears of leaving him, of something happening to me and being unable to get back to him. Silly fears that I never really had before.

Traveling without a kid is so different than traveling with a kid! I was able to: 

• Not carry so much. 
• Not sweat through security or feel like hurrying. 
• Read a book during the flight. 
• Take a nap during the flight. 
• Work on blog entries during the flight (like this one!) 
• Actually relax! 

Even though it was easier, I couldn't help but feel so "empty" without his hugs, his kisses, his laugh. I missed him so much, like I was missing a limb or something. 

The worst part was picking him up and seeing him for the first time in 4 days. He didn't want to make eye contact with me and he cried :(  Daycare says that's good, that it means he's attached and was sad I was gone... But it doesn't feel that way. It actually made me cry! I missed him so much and he didn't want to go to me. Broke my heart. I could only imagine how he felt being away from me for that long. It took him a little bit to get back to normal with me. 

I hate leaving him. At least I know I don't want a job that requires a lot of trips out of town. In my current position, we only have this one trip a year (thank goodness!). 

So, I'll take the stressful flights, the sweating madness, the extra bags of "stuff" with traveling - as long as he's with me. Being away from my son just sucked.