Jobbing: 3 Weeks Unemployed

I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since I was given notice that I would be laid off. Technically, my last "official day" was 3/25. Here's an  update on my Job Hunt.

I was on a good role on applying, then Munchkin got sick last week (Hand/Mouth/Foot disease), so the last week I've been pretty much on "Mommy-Duty" having both kids home with me for a week now. It was a bit of a nice relief on job-focus, to be honest. But it was also stressful because I felt like I should be applying, vetting job requirements, getting out there, etc.

The good news is: I received 2 more call backs last week!

1. I had a phone interview with the HR recruiter for one. I was only the second candidate that she spoke with. The job is FAR, but I really want it. It's the only position that I have received a call back for that exceeds my salary at my previous job. I'm waiting to hear back if I can get an interview with the hiring manager. 
2. I had a phone interview with the HR recruiter and she scheduled a phone interview for next week with the hiring manager. The hiring manage is out of state, that's why it's a phone interview vs in-person. The only issue with this job is that they said I was above their salary range for the position. However, the recruiter told me that they're having a really hard time filling the position... So, I may have a good shot at it. 

I'm still waiting for the results of the other interview I had. 

So, I'm making progress - moving forward. Vetting applications, I feel like I've exhausted almost ALL the positions that are within my niche of qualifications. I've started applying for some "stretch" positions - jobs that I have transferrable skills and I know I would be good at - but not sure Ill get call backs for those. 

I'm trying not to entertain the idea of NOT getting a job offer... or not finding a job within my qualifications. But the fear lingers with me in my "worst case scenario" thoughts. 

Unemployment is no joke... It's a scary place to be. I'm trying my hardest to be proactive and positive. I'm also trying not to be too "desperate" to find a new job. But it's hard, so very hard not to panic. 

Moving on and moving forward. Trying my hardest to trust in God that all will be ok. 

Jobbing Updates: by the numbers 

• Submitted Applications: 27
• Call Backs: 3
• Email Confirmations (meet qualifications): 1
• Interviews: 3 
• Denial/Role Filled/Cancelled - Emails: 6

FET #1 (Cycle 9): Time to Start Injections

Had my injections training (which we skipped - since I've been through it 2x's already), signed all the FET documents, wrote a large check for the cycle, and had blood work done. 

My medications are so much less for the FET cycle: Lupron, Medrol, Estrogen Patches. Ordering PIO later. 

Started my Lurpon injection tonight. So funny how "easy" the subcutaneous injection is after having to do the intramuscular injections. 

Not much to say about the cycle yet. It feels like a long road until my FET on 4/20. Not much monitoring until mid-April. This will be the longest time that I haven't had an appointment with the RE since I've started TTC. Will be kind of nice! I'm really hoping this cycle works...! I keep looking at the picture of my frozen blasts and wondering if one of them will become a little person from this. 

Next Steps: 

• Lupron: Continue Daily 
• Birth Control: Stop on 3/28 
• Estrogen Patches: Start on 4/1 
• 4/11 - Monitoring Appointment 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

Jobbing: My First Interview + Job Search Status

It's been 2 weeks since I lost my job. Tracking my Job Hunting adventures on my blog wasn't expected. I really wanted my blog to be about trying to have a baby and about building my family. Which in a way relates to having a family, since financial stability plays a huge role for a single parent household trying to add to my family. 

Blogging about being laid off is difficult for me, but it's keeping me motivated so I can keep moving forward and trudging along. Here's an update as I finish the 2nd week of unemployment. 

I had my first job interview yesterday! Questions that ran through my mind:

What do I wear? 

How should I style my hair? 

What kind of makeup should I wear? 

Should I wear any jewelry? 

Should I have prepared some typical interview questions?

Will I be able to answer questions on the fly?  

Try not to fidget. 

Try not to look nervous. 

Don't mess with your hair during the interview! 

Don't forget to smile - make sure no lipstick is on your teeth! 

Nervous...? Oh yeah. 

I think the interview went extremely well. I was pretty on top of answering the questions. I did prepare a few questions for them about the position/company ahead of time, which I strategically positioned throughout the interview. I was interviewed by two managers that if offered the position, I would be working directly with. One was very talkative and friendly, liked her from the start. The other one was nice, but not as open - although when he liked what I said, it was very noticeable. 

I did something that I have never done before and that's asking for the job at the end. I basically told them that I would love to work for their company and would be excited for an offer (in so many words). I don't know WHY I did that or what came over me, I'm not normally this aggressive with things. Or maybe I am now, being in fun-employment mode? Who knows. 

I should hear back in a few weeks about the position. I sent my "Thank You" email today to the managers. 

What's great about interviewing is that it gave me some of my confidence back. Being laid off really puts a hit on your confidence level. I now feel much better about my potential to interview and about finding the right fit for me. I don't feel "as" panicked. Although it's still there... that lingering "OMG, WTF am I going to do?!" feeling. It was easy to focus on other things recently with preparing for the interview, my son's baptism, starting my FET cycle, finding jobs to apply for, updating my resume, updating LinkedIn, etc etc etc. 

But NOW, things are starting to slow down and the reality of it all is slowly creeping into the crevices of my mind.  I am freakin unemployed for the first time in forever! I've been working since I was 16 years old. Besides a few months break here and there for transitions in moving (going to college, relocating to a new state) I have been employed for most of that time. It just feels so strange and surreal, in a not good way. Did I ever think I would be here? Maybe. But I don't think I was prepared for the reality of it or expected it to happen right after I adopted my son and when I am trying to have a baby. The timing truly sucks. 

I'm not eating very well. I'm not sleeping very well. I'm trying, but it's just hard to concentrate on those things when all these things feel like they're caving in on me. 

I'm dealing with it the best that I can and going in the right direction to try and find new employment. 

Dear Economy,  

Please do not hit a recession until I find a new job! I would truly appreciate it.  

Thank you!  

Me - Who was recently sent into fun-employment 

Jobbing Updates: by the numbers 

• Submitted Applications: 15
• Call Backs: 1
• Email Confirmations (meet qualifications): 1
• Interviews: 1
• Denial Emails: 3

Most of the job applications I've submitted for are really good fits for my qualifications. Some are a bit of a stretch, I have the transferable skills - but not sure I'll make it past the resume screening. Really hoping to hear back from a few more applications this week. Fingers/Toes crossed...!

I thought receiving Denial Emails would sting. They actually don't... I was surprised at one denial email that came back within an hour of submitting my application to a job that I totally qualify for. So either: they have enough candidates to interview, they've already filled the role, they have an internal candidate, or I really just wasn't what they were looking for. That was my only "surprise," but it didn't sting.

Just to add to things, it doesn't look like I'll get my severance package changed. They had packaged me for 11 years of service. I was 2 months from 12 years of service, but HR is saying that they will not change it. I'm contesting it, but it's not looking likely. Bummed and a little PO'd about that. But just have to let it go. I am truly grateful for having a severance package at all... but after the years I've given that company - I guess I expected a little better from them. 

Jobbing To Do's: 

• I have a bunch of other job positions that I need to vet through. 
• Still need to look into volunteering. 
• Look into getting temp work (which might be difficult with my FET cycle)
• Check into going through a head hunter.  

I truly believe that the right job will come along and that I have a lot to offer a company. I've been praying a lot on this and trying to trust this path will lead me where I am meant to be. I'm trying to Carpe Diem and all that. Trust in God. 

Jobbing: I have my first interview!

It's been one week since being laid off and I feel like I haven't had a moment's rest.

Creating a Jobbing Schedule 

To keep myself organized, I have created a spreadsheet of "opportunities" and submitted applications. I'm also creating a schedule to keep me on track, but also allowing me to do other things - to avoid over-obsessing or getting caught up on the computer for 12 hours at a time. I haven't really been able to implement this schedule due to having a visitor stay with us for my son's baptism and then Munchkin getting sick. But it's in the works when things "calm down." Strange how it's so chaotic all of a sudden.

Job Hunting 

I've been trying to do "target" job hunting, where I'm focused on specific jobs that I know I qualify for or have transferrable skills. Originally I was going to aim more towards "Changing my Career" and totally change directions. But I don't really have the time to do that, with having to support my family. So sticking to what I know and can do is the direction that I'm going.

• Applications Submitted: 7 
• Call Backs: 1 
• Email Confirmation: 1 
• Interviews: 1 scheduled 

I was so excited when I received my first call back! It was for one of the positions that is a "perfect fit." Plus, it was a "cold application" meaning I didn't have an "in" at the company. I wasn't sure I would hear back at all. I received a call from the recruiter, she went over the position, the salary, then said she would contact the manager and see if she wanted to move forward with an interview. Then a few hours later, they set-up the interview for next week! Seems to be moving fast, but I'm happy about that. I need to really focus on preparing for this interview. It's a great company, a great position, there are growth opportunities. I'm very hopeful, I just need to nail this interview.

Then I received an email confirmation for another job saying that I passed their first screening and qualify for the position. That I may or may not be contacted for an interview. So, we'll see about that one.

There are two positions that I applied for that I had been referred by a friend. I'm really hoping to get call backs on those two positions, as they are also good fits at good companies.

I'm relieved that I have forward movement. I was afraid that I wouldn't get any call backs.

How I'm feeling? 

It's a strange thing being laid off. I feel all this pressure and can easily find myself getting upset vs. being proactive and moving forward. I have a lot of worries of "what if" that I'm trying not to let myself entertain. I'm trying extremely hard to stay optimistic and trying to convince myself that everything will turn out OK.

But it's harder said than done.

I have moments of complete panic, moments of anger, moments of not knowing what to do next, moments where I imagine the worst possible scenario playing out. It's hard to prevent the concern from creeping in every now and then. I could quite possibly worry myself into the ground if i don't stop myself at times. I've been praying a lot. Trying to focus on my blessings. Trying to keep moving forward.

I try to "live in the moment," but there's this "unemployment cloud" following me everywhere making it hard to forget about it, even just for a moment. My friend said to think of it as a "Fun-employment." LOL. I had to give that one a laugh, I wish it could be a "fun" time...

IVF #2 Post-Cycle Consult + FET #1 Plan

I had my "WTF" consult for my failed IVF #2 fresh transfer. It was interesting. We went over my stim sheet, where they had all my levels and ultrasound information from the entire cycle. My RE basically said that the cycle went well, my levels were where they wanted them to be, and they were able to get all the eggs that they could.

We also went through my Egg Report. This was my first time seeing this, which was pretty cool. Even though I already had the data, it was nice to see it all in one place.

FET #1 Plan 

This is where I had to make some choices on next steps:

1. Frozen Cycle (FET): Transfer 1 embryo
2. Frozen Cycle (FET): Transfer 2 embryos 
3. Fresh Cycle: Transfer 1 or 2 embryos 
4. Fresh Cycle: No Transfer --> PGS any fresh + 3 frozen 
5. Thaw all 3 frozen now --> Test, then FET if normal. 

With everything else in play (being unemployed at the moment), I decided that I'm going to go with option #1 for now. If it doesn't work, I'm thinking that I will just transfer the remaining two in June. If that doesn't work... I'll have to wait and see what happens with getting new employment and having infertility coverage. I may have to stop this path all together for a few years. I just don't know about doing an entire new fresh cycle with the costs and the uncertainty of a new job. 

The other option I was entertaining was: 1) Do the FET with 1 embryo. If that doesn't work 2) Fresh Cycle in June (while my insurance is still covering) + PGS testing (transfer 1 fresh, test any remaining embryos + the 2 frozen). 

It's hard to really plan, as there are so many moving pieces now with all the uncertainty hanging in the air. For now though, the plan is - Transfer 1 embryo on April 20th. 

I already ordered all my meds (accept for PIO because of the short shelf life). 

I wish I could be excited about this cycle... and maybe I will be later on. But with all the craziness that is my life right now, I just can't see the cycle working. I want it to work, I've wanted every single cycle to work. It's just hard to believe that I'm here still. Still wanting a baby after trying so very long... and now I've lost my job. Am I making the right choice in moving forward with the FET under these circumstances? It's just a lot to think about and process. 

But I got to keep on keeping on and solider through this. I'm just hoping the extra stress doesn't impact my FET chances. 

Next Steps: 

1. 3/23/16: Injections Training, Sign Consent Forms, Payment Due, Blood Draw, and maybe Ultrasound. 
2. 3/23/16: Start Lupron Injections 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

Getting Ready for my Son's Baptism

Every since my son was adopted, I've been wanting to have him baptized in the Catholic Church. The issue was: I did not belong to a local parish. I attended church regularly a few years ago and went to a church I absolutely LOVED, but it was 30 minutes away. It became difficult to attend. I didn't necessarily like the local parish that's close to my house. So, I've been a "bad" Catholic and haven't been attending church regularly. Not to mention, it's extremely difficult going to church solo with a toddler and a crawling baby...

Since the adoption, I decided that I need to find a closer - more do-able in attending regularly - church. I attended a few and finally decided on one that was relatively close (15 minutes away). It's where I attended Financial Peace University. To make things official, I finally registered to be a parishioner in December.

Registering for Baptism 

Once I was registered, I could register for the Baptism. The Diocese here has different rules from where I grew up. They only allow for 2 God Parents (minimum of 1), the God Parents must meet all these requirements (all sacraments, registered parishioner, and married in the Catholic church). My home-town Diocese isn't that strict and there's more flexibility in choosing God Parents. For example, I did not have all my sacraments when I became a God Parent.

Once I registered online, they scheduled an in-person meeting with me to discuss all the requirements. They needed my son's birth certificate and wanted to discuss the reason for baptism and the important of choosing God Parents.

They also asked me why there was no father listed on the birth certificate. I had to explain that my son is adopted and that I'm single, so there is no legal father. It was a little strange having to explain that to the church, just to get him baptized... but it is what it is. 

Finding God Parents 

With the strict requirements of who they allowed to be God Parents, I really had to search out people that had every single requirement. Some of my friends had most of their sacraments, but were missing one thing on the list of "must haves." So, my list of potential God parents started to dwindle into "I will never be able to baptize my son, I can't find any God Parents!"

I mentioned to one of his daycare providers, that is Catholic, how difficult a time I was having finding God Parents. Then she said that she meets all the requirements and would love to be my son's God Mother! I was so excited! So, I found ONE God Parent. She is also the back-up Guardian for my son, when I completed my Estate Planning.

Although I needed only 1 God Parent, I really wanted my son to have a God Mother and a God Father. I asked one of my close college friends and he said YES and he meets all the requirements. So Yay!

Each God Parent had to complete a form and have their church sign/put their seal on it. We received both and were able to schedule my son's Baptism day. 

Meeting with the Church

I have to just say that I felt a little uncomfortable when I met with the church volunteer that arranges the baptisms. She was nice enough, but I felt there was some judgment from being a single mother. Nothing directly that she said, but it was just a vibe that I got from her. I had both boys with me when I went to the meeting and both boys were on their best-worst behavior. So, I also felt there was some judgment on my parenting with my kid's being a little out of control.

Normally when I tell someone I've adopted as a single woman AND that I'm a single foster mom, I get a different reaction. I guess I am used to people appreciating the fact that I'm a foster parent and that I've adopted. Not so much in this case. What was interesting is the coordinator mentioned that she had fertility issues and had a hard time having kids (she has one child). Not really sure why she mentioned that from me saying I adopted. I did not mention that I was trying to conceive a baby through IVF... because I know that would be frowned upon. Anyways, it was a bit of a strange conversation. 

Baptism Class

Another requirement of baptizing my son was that I had to attend a Baptism Class. I've had to do this before when I was a God Parent. I went to the class expecting to hear about how the day of the baptism was going to go, responsibilities, etc. Instead, it was two hours of going through the bible on why we need to baptize and getting the entire history of baptism as referenced in the bible.

It's not that I don't appreciate the class... But the class was supposed to be 2 hours long. Two hours where I had to pay a babysitter to watch my kids. When the coordinator realized that we were at the 2-hour mark, he said "oops" and then spent about 5 minutes quickly going through what was happening on the day of the baptism... Meaning, I didn't get ANYTHING out of what I need the day of or what happens on the day of - which was supposed to be taught in this class. Afterward, I had to email them and ask them all these questions. Which, seemed to irritate them and they just emailed me the "reminder" of baptism day with more details (which was still missing stuff, so I sent a few follow-up questions).

It hasn't been a big ordeal trying to get my son baptized, it just felt like a lot of unnecessary stuff. It doesn't matter though because my son's baptism is just a few days away! I can't express how wonderful and excited I am to have my son baptized. I couldn't baptize him until he was my forever son. Being single and having very little family, I really want my son to have a relationship with God. I don't know what trials he'll face as he grows up or how he'll handle being adopted. I want to start him on the path to know Jesus, so he'll be more equipped to handle life's twists and turns.

I'll write another post about the day-of the baptism :) So excited! 

FET #1 (Cycle 9): Starting Again - Frozen-Style, Baseline U/S

Yesterday I posted about getting laid off of work. Besides the panic and worry about making ends meet and finding a new job, I also had to consider what do I do now with trying to have this baby? Last week, when I was given the news that my fresh IVF #2 cycle didn't work - my thoughts were more on:

Do I wait a few cycles before trying a FET? 
Should I do a medicated vs unmedicated FET? 
Should I do a new Fresh Cycle and PGD test my eggs? 

Now, things have changed dramatically. There are more things to consider. The new questions were:

Should I move forward with a FET right now? 
Should I wait until I find a new job? 
Should I stop for a while and focus on job hunting? 

Some things that played into my decision making:

• I am going to be receiving a severance package for a few months. 
• My medical benefits will last through the end of my severance package. 
• There's no guarantee that even if I get a new job, that they'll have infertility benefits or that I'll have the flexibility to make medical appointments. 

With the thoughts that my medical coverage will only last a few more months, I decided to move forward with FET #1. There's a lot of worry about with this decision:

What if FET #1 is successful and I'm pregnant, will that hinder my job hunt? 

If I get a new job, will I even be able to take maternity leave? 

A friend told me that I shouldn't give up on my dream of having a baby, that I just need to move forward with it. That I'll regret it if I stop now. That everything will work out as it should and that I'll find the perfect job. 

I really thought about it and figured that people have baby's with much less and in more dire situations. Plus, who knows if FET #1 will actually work. I hope it does... but again, there's no guarantee in all of this. 

Ideally, I would love to give my kids everything and anything... but the truth behind it all is, all that stuff isn't important. It's more about the love of our family and being together. We will be OK. Even though it hurts my heart thinking that I won't be able to provide the life that I wanted for my kids... I just have to roll with it and change my frame of mind on what that really means and focus on what really matters - and that's love and quality time. 

Right now, the decision is: CONTINUE WITH FET# 1. 

After my failed IVF cycle, my RE had told me that when AF arrived - she would be heavier than normal. NO JOKE. AF arrived after days of spotting. I started spotting almost immediately after stopping the progesterone, but no real "flow" until Sunday (3/6). And it hit pretty hard, being extremely heavy. Since AF came on her own and it started before the clinic's deadline, it's looking like my FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) will be in April.

Once CD #1 hit with some fierceness, I scheduled my baseline ultrasound. My actual FET #1 discussion won't be until next Monday (3/14), that's where I'll find out more about what everything is going to look like and I have some major questions to ask the RE. Which, since I'm a planner -- I can't wait for this meeting! I want my little FET calendar! I also want to know what the price-tag is going to look like... considering everything else going on. The good thing about a FET is that there are less monitoring appointments vs. a full IVF cycle.

At my baseline appointment yesterday, the staff said how great it was to see me happy... It was the day after I got laid off, so I wasn't really happy - I was more "soldiering on." I just put on a smiley face and said, "thanks."

My RE said that everything looked good to start the FET cycle. He said everything looked "recovered" and there were no cysts (yay and yay). Since I had 4 embryos make it to blast and have 3 left, I asked him what he thought the odds were of one of the embryos being genetically normal. He said that he thinks that there is at least ONE baby in the 3 embryos. This is the suggestion:

• April: Transfer One Embryo. 
• If April FET #1 Fails, move forward with FET #2 in June (which will be good since my medical coverage will still be active) 
• FET #2, transfer both remaining embryos 

If FET #1 and FET #2 do not work... then I'm going to have to stop trying OR try to squeeze in a fresh IVF cycle in August (which will be tight since my severance ends at the end of August). Another fresh cycle would be unlikely... as I'm hopeful to have a new job by then and taking time off for monitoring appointments would be almost impossible at a new position.

So here begins my first Frozen Embryo Transfer cycle, which is looking a lot different than I thought it would with everything else going on, but we are here none-the-less. Let's see how this cycle turns out, my time is limited on trying for Baby C. Really hoping for a successful transfer. 

Next Steps:

• Start Birth Control 3/9 
• 3/14/16: IVF #2 WTF Consult and FET #1 Discussion 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

I got laid off yesterday

Yesterday started off like any other Tuesday. Then, at 7:30am I received a ping from my manager asking if I was available for a phone call. I responded with "yes" and she called me shortly after that. I knew something was up because my manager and HER manager were on the phone. I greeted them with morning cheer and was received with not so happy tones. 

My first reaction was thinking I was in trouble for something, which I quickly assessed that I didn't technically do anything wrong in my position - so had a feeling I knew what was coming. 

They quickly got into the conversation that there were workforce reductions all across the company and that our team was impacted. Then they said that my position was impacted and that I was being let go. 

It was a strange feeling, initially I think I was angry. I had questions on my severance package and they didn't have answers for me. So, I was being laid off and had no clue what my severance package looked like. That was irritating. 

They told me that I had about an hour before my access to the computer would be revoked and that I should email myself any personal documents I had on my laptop. That I would receive a call later by the admin with instructions on how to return my company equipment. 

My gut reaction was to sympathize for the managers on having to give this "news" to their employees. I even said, "This must be difficult for you." 

The call ended and I started emailing myself my resume, along with benefits contact information. My access didn't get revoked after the hour, so I just logged off. 

I received a call later from the admin, who was in tears!, because she had to deal with all the people that were laid off. I also have a good relationship with her, so she was compassionate. I immediately went into "comfort-mode" to make sure she was ok. 

Then today, I shipped back all my company equipment, along with my corporate card, and ID. I received my severance package as well. My package was for 11 years... which I'm 2 months away from 12 years. My manager had said that I should get the 12 years. I need to contest this with the company. 

That was that. Almost 12 years with this company and I was finally impacted by a mass layoff. 

I have to admit, today I woke up in semi-panic mode. What was I going to do? 

Moving Forward and Making Plans

I didn't sit idle all day yesterday or let myself get into a funk and feel sorry for myself. Instead, I started updating my resume. I had some really nice friends that said they could review my resume for me. So here's what I did: 

1. Updated my resume, having friends review it, so it'll be getting updated a bunch I'm sure. 
2. Updated my LinkedIn profile with my revised resume info. Added a picture as well. 
3. Prepared for a Career Fair (which was TODAY!) 
4. Searched for jobs online to see what was out there. 
5. Researched how to approach Career Fairs (been awhile since I attended) and techniques on interviewing.
6. Looked up how Unemployment Benefits work in my state (didn't get much info) 
7. Searched for upcoming career fairs. Can you believe that there are about 5 this month?! Good timing.  

Today: 

1. I attended the Career Fair. Some notes from that... I was overqualified for most of the positions. There are a few potential "lead" companies that may have positions that I would be interested in. 
2. Searched more companies online. 

To-Do: 

1. Send Thank-You emails to all the recruiters I spoke to today at the career fair. 
2. Update my resume some more/then make the changes on LinkedIn. 
3. Add my volunteer leadership roles to LinkedIn. 
4. Check out the company job listings from the career fair that seemed possible. 
5. Call HR and contest my severance package. 
6. Research companies that will be at the career fair tomorrow and check out which jobs they have open.  
7. Post my resume online at Indeed.com and Monster (others?) 
8. Make a list of companies that I am interested to work for and look up their job openings. 

This whole situation feels odd to me. For one, I can totally change my career and find something that I love to do. Which in a way is exciting and thrilling. I wasn't really happy at my job... But at the same time, I worry about maintaining a comparable salary. So, do I switch career paths and take a major pay cut? Or do I find a similar type of company and apply for a similar type job? 

Believe it or not, these are tough choices to think about. If this truly is an OPPORTUNITY and a way to have a FRESH START. Shouldn't I find something that I would be proud doing and love doing? Like, I would really love to work for a company that services Adoptions or Foster Care. I have a passion there (being a foster parent and being an adoptive parent). However, the positions are extremely low on the salary level. <sigh> So much to think about and consider. 

I'm jumping right in so I can get my feet wet. I haven't interviewed externally or internally for years! I don't even know what's out there or if something else will spark my interest. It's all uncharted territory. 

Not to mention, I've been trying to have this baby for over a year... what do I do now? I'll save that for another post... 

I'll be tracking my Job Hunt on this blog. Mostly to keep my focused and determined to get a new job before my severance period ends. 

Gratitude: February 2016

I'm a little late posting this due to all my IVF updates! But here is my February Gratitude list. I have to admit, I was really busy between normal everyday life, work, and my IVF #2 Cycle. I have a daily reminder in my Reminders app to tell me to add something to the list. Well, apparently through all the busyness - I accidentally deleted the recurring reminder. Oops. So, I missed a few days here and there. All is fixed, I re-added my daily reminder :)

I got a lot done in February: filed my taxes EARLY!, continued Financial Peace University Classes, had my IVF Egg Retrieval and Egg Transfer, celebrated Valentine's day with my boys, organizing my son's baptism - and attended baptism class (will have a post about that later this month), working on my debt snowball. Lots and lots of stuff happening.

Here's what I was grateful for:

• Grocery home delivery - saves me time 
• Taking care of taxes early! 
• Some time to myself 
• Having friends come visit from out of state 
• Having my son's Uncle's come over and play with them. 
• Playing in the backyard with my son 
• Working on my debt snowball 
• Story time with my son 
• Getting good news on my tax return 
• Being able to blog about my infertility journey 
• Feeling charged and productive! 
• Wearing sandals in February 
• Valentine's Day with the boys
• Getting the green light for my IVF egg retrieval! 
• How supportive and helpful people have been through my IVF process 
• Having 9 eggs retrieved for my IVF procedure 
• My close work friendships 
• Having a wonderful embryo transfer experience!
• Mid-day power naps  
• Having 3 of my embryos make it to cryopreservation! 
• Finalizing plans for my son's Baptism 
• Making Saturday morning pancakes 
• Getting lost in a good book/story 
• The slow cooker

Estate Planning: Will, Living Trust, Power of Attorneys, Funeral Arrangements

During annual enrollment for my benefits at work, I opted to pay for Legal Services. It's a great benefit, as you pay a few bucks a month and get a lot of different types of legal counsel for that small amount of money. Part of the Legal Services includes Estate Planning. I've been seriously thinking about Estate Planning every since I adopted my son. I want everything to be OK with him if the unexpected happened.

I started this process in January 2016. My lawyer was fast in completing things, it was me that was delayed verifying stuff or getting names to him. Partly due to my IVF cycle and partly due to waiting to hear back from people if they were willing to fill any roles. I could have had everything completed within 2 weeks of starting! Alas, it took nearly 2 months due to not having the info or not reviewing the documents in a timely fashion.

Scheduling Appointment 

In order to find a lawyer, I went through my Legal Services website and found one that was relatively close to where I lived. We set-up an initial meeting consult and they sent me over a worksheet to complete prior to the meeting. They said it was OK if I didn't have the entire thing filled out. I didn't understand some of it and left a good portion of it blank.

Meeting Consult with Lawyer 

The meeting was interesting. You can tell the lawyer has done this estate planning many times. We discussed each document and what information that I needed to provide and what each document "meant." The hardest part was choosing people to serve in the roles. I had some filled, but didn't have back-ups for any of the positions. My lawyer wanted back-ups for all the positions. He explained what the roles meant and what they would be asked to do

Will

• Beneficiaries - my son and any children I may have/adopt in the future 
• Successor Beneficiaries - my older brother 
• Executor (administrator of the Will)
• Back-up Executor
• Guardian of my children
• Back-up Guardians

Finding a Guardian for my son was tough... I really only have contact with my older brother and we don't have any blood relatives in the United States. When I was adopting my son, I had discussed guardianship with my brother. He didn't sound comfortable with it. Truthfully, I didn't feel comfortable choosing him. I have my reasons... he lives at home with my father still, he's never lived on his own, never had to take care of another person, and he's not very responsible with his finances. Not to mention that my brother hasn't really made an effort to build a relationship with my son (we live in different States - but he hasn't visited and he didn't make the adoption). So, my son doesn't really know him. I knew I'd have to go with someone else. 

I asked my son's daycare provider if she would be willing to be my son's guardian. She said YES and she cried...! :)  I absolutely adore our daycare provider, she has birth children, has adopted, and has been a foster parent. I couldn't think of anyone better than her. Not to mention, my son has known her his entire life. When she said yes, I felt so relieved... Like I knew my son would be OK with her and his best interests would be taken care of. 

Now, I needed a back-up Guardian. One of his other daycare providers is also going to be his God Mother! Her children are a little older and she's also known my son since he was born. I asked her if she would be back-up. It took her awhile to get back to me, as she had to discuss it with her husband. They said YES! Which also made me feel relieved... My son would be taken care of. 

Then, I asked a friend to be third back-up Guardian. He's great with my son and is such a great person. He doesn't have any children of his own, but he's wonderful with his nieces and nephew. He said YES! Again, I felt so relieved... My son would be taken care of. 

I am so thankful for everyone that agreed to be in the succession plan for Guardianship of my son. I am also grateful for those that agreed to be my Executor / back-up Executor. It's a big responsibility and I'm glad I have people willing/able to serve in these roles. 

Living Trust

• Avoids Probate
• Protects underage children
• Need a Trustee and Back-up Trustee

Being a Trustee is a bigger and potentially longer commitment. My lawyer said to find someone that's very organized to fill this role. That made my choices easy! I texted a few friends and had my Trustee and Back-up Trustee the same day as my meeting consult.

Power of Attorney

• Medical Agent and Back-Up
• Financial Agent and Back-Up

I already had an idea who I wanted to be my Medical Agent Power of Attorney. I have a succession plan of three people. 

Financial Power of Attorney was also an easy pick. I used the same folks that I designated for my Living Trust. 

Living Will

• End of Life
• Disposition of Remains

I also had to make choices on what to do if I have an illness or injury that I will not recover from. Then, had to think about what I wanted after I die. Weird to think about it, but I'm glad that it's all written down - so that my family doesn't have any guess work in the event that something happens to me. 

Funeral and Cemetery Arrangements 

With all of this planning, I also made an appointment with my chosen Cemetery. I want a Catholic Burial, so have chosen a Catholic Cemetery. We're going to have all my "wishes" for my burial written down, so that it's all taken care of. I also considered pre-paying for everything. But I'm taking Financial Peace University and Dave Ramsey says not to... so, I guess I'm not going to pre-pay. I'll just have all my wishes in my file.  I was supposed to meet with the Funeral Director  in January, then February -- but we had to keep moving back our meeting for whatever reason that came up. We now have a meeting in mid-March to discuss it all.

Today, I went in and signed everything. I now have all my Estate Planning "officially" on file. I have the hard copies in my "Legacy Folder" (where all my important documents go).  I purchased a small fire proof/water proof safe to hold all my important documents.

I am happy that this is all taken care of. I had this fear that if something happened to me that my son would end up back in foster care. That thought scared the crap out of me, as I would hate to have my son lost in the broken system. Having the guardians picked really gives me peace of mind. No matter what, I know he'll be taken care of. That's what matters and that's why the Estate Planning was so important to me.

Next Steps in Estate Planning Process: 

1. Meet with a Financial Advisor to discuss aligning my accounts with my Living Trust. 
2. File my Beneficiary Deed at the County Recorder's Office. 

The Results of IVF #2 (Cycle 8): I'm not Pregnant

I knew this was coming. I tested early and had negative, stark white, tests. I'm not pregnant. Beta test confirmed it today.

Driving to my RE's office was a little bitter sweet. I knew that I was going to have a negative Beta, but I still had to go and confirm. The RE staff greeted me with big smiles and expectations, "This is when you find out, right?!" I said, "Yes, but I already know it's going to come back negative." I was then inundated with positive affirmations to stay positive, that I had the 3 frozen embryos, that I got farther than I did last time, etc. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE my RE's office. They really are so supportive and so very nice. Also, my RE was the one that called me to give me the news of the blood results. That was different from my IUI's where the nurse's call.

But... I was actually OK with the results. I had a few days to process the cycle not working. Strangely, I wasn't too emotional about it. I mean, it's devastating... But at the same time, seeing a positive pregnancy test and having a positive beta test, would seem more "surprising" for me. Getting a negative result is almost BAU (business as usual). When you've been trying to conceive for over a year with no positive results, it becomes almost "expected" to keep getting a negative. Because it feels like it will NEVER work.

IVF was a little different to me. I had to go through a lot in the stim phase, then go through the egg retrieval, then the egg transfer. I have a picture of the little embie blast that was transferred. It's strange how you can fall completely in love with a picture of a little ball of cells. I let myself be hopeful. Which I'm ok with. Going through IVF is not easy, but to continue down this path -- you have to hold onto hope. If there's no hope, there's no reason to keep going doing the IVF journey.

I knew the % chances of it working vs. not working. I was prepared for a negative, although I prayed and hoped and wished that this would "be it." If this cycle would have worked, the expected due date would have been 11/9/16. Yeah, I imagined it. I pictured it. I let myself believe it could be possible. What that life would be like, what it would feel like, how life would be completely different and wonderful at the same time.

But it wasn't meant to be. This little embie blast that was transferred, wasn't meant to be my Baby C.

Now, I have to move forward. I'm grateful that I have 3 embryos on ice and I can move forward with a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I have to wonder though:

• Maybe I should have done PGD testing. 
• Can it be egg quality? 
• Should I do another fresh cycle in hopes of getting more eggs? 

Then there are the fears: 

• That I'll never get pregnant. 
• That I wasn't meant to have a birth child. 
• That I'll have to stop this journey before having a baby. 

I can't let the fears stop me. I have to move forward. There's still hope that one of my little embies on ice will stick and become my little Baby C. 

The hardest part is not getting the negative pregnancy test... it's having tell all my friends that I'm not pregnant.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to be proactive about it and just tell them or let them filter in and ask me when they haven't heard from me. Not sure which one will be worse? So I decided to text those that don't read my blog.

It's so strange. I feel the loss of the "possible future" that could have been with this little blast. I feel sorrow that this little blast wasn't able to become a little human. However, working on my Gratitude List daily has helped me so much through this process, which is one reason I started it. We all have choices to make in life on how we handle things. Normally, I would lean towards sadness/depression. It's so easy to do with such an emotional journey. The things you put your body through for IVF and the investment ($$) you put into it and the time.

I'm going to give myself some time to grieve the loss of this cycle. However, I'm not going to linger on.

I choose to focus on happiness instead, on the good things in my life. I am so blessed in so many ways, it's hard to be bitter about life. I woke up to my son this morning doing a "happy morning dance" with his dancing feet. Then he gave me the sweetest hugs, like he knew I needed them. He hugged my leg and said, "I'm stuck" and squeezed hard. I thank God everyday for my son, a son that I never thought I'd be able to adopt - and now he's my forever son.

There's still the loss, the dream of building my family, of giving my son a sibling, of being pregnant/giving birth, which feels so-so-so far away from happening. But you know what, I choose happiness. I choose to move forward. I trust in God. I trust God's plan for me and my family.

Now, it's time to move forward once again. This time with a FET. Not really sure what that looks like yet, I need to schedule a meeting with my RE to discuss in detail. The timing is looking like April/May. Let's see if one of my frostie blasties will stick.

Next Steps: 

• Schedule RE Consult for FET #1 (Cycle #9) Discussion 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.

IVF #2 (Cycle 8): Two Week Wait - IVF Style

The interesting thing about going through IVF is that the infamous Two Week Wait (TWW) is a little different. My clinic does the Beta/Pregnancy test 14 days after Egg Retrieval. My Egg Retrieval was on 2/17, so my Beta Test is on 3/2. So, a portion of the TWW was spent more focused on the Fertilization Reports (Day 1, Day 3, Day 5, Frozen). My actual Egg Transfer was on 2/22. So really, all the anxiety over the 14 days of the TWW were focused on other things for at least a few days. I really only have NINE days where I really have to "wait and see."

I found this diagram and thought it would be interesting to follow along on what can be happening each day post-transfer.

Here's how the TWW went for me: 

1dp5dt (2/23)

One day post-transfer I feel a little bloated. I'm not cramping much anymore, I just feel really "full." I kept waking up in the middle of the night and thinking, "wow, I have an embryo inside of me!" It's such a strange feeling. When doing my IUI's, there was no way to know if the sperm ever inseminated the egg. With this, I know what the embryo looks like and that it was growing really nicely. I just hope it continues growing, these little embies go through so much to become a little person.

Still feeling a little over-tired today and had to take a mid-day power nap to get back into it. Also, my BB's are very sensitive. Progesterone maybe? Estrogen patches maybe?

I've been thinking a lot about my "anxiety" over this all working out. Today, I'm choosing happiness. I'm choosing to Let Go and Let God. I have to trust that God has a plan and that if my little embie blastie is meant to become a baby, then he/she will. I'm repeating the following mantras:

"I choose happiness"
"I choose optimism"
"I trust God's choices"
"Give it to God"
"Everything will turn out as it should"

2dp5dt (2/24)

Might I say that the PIO shots are actually "easy" now? The icing really helps and I think the heating pad does too. I am getting a little bruised up because I am only injecting on my right side. I haven't gotten enough courage to see if I can inject with my left hand, on my left side yet... I've only had two "gusher" experiences thus far! Only one week left of PIO shots... And one more week until my beta test... Eek! If the cycle is a success, my RE switches to the progesterone suppositories after the positive beta test. 

Feeling some minor "pressure" today, not cramping really, but similar. Still over-tired in the afternoon. 

Not feeling overly eager to test yet. But had to repeat my mantras a few times when I felt overwhelmed & emotional about everything. 

3dp5dt (2/25) - Blood Work/Hormone Levels

Had my blood draw today to check my hormone levels. Results: 

• Progesterone: 19.18
• Estradiol: 176.1

Changes to medication: 

• Add a progesterone suppository starting tomorrow morning. 
• Add an estrogen patch today; meaning I will be wearing 3 estrogen patches. 

When I received the results of my blood work, I have to admit I pretty much had a mini-freak out. I started googling what my levels should be at that point in the Luteal Phase. Surprisingly there's not much out there. I emailed the nurse to ask her what the "ideal" levels are. They want to see Progesterone at least 40 and E2 a percentage of my last E2 reading (they wanted to see at least 295). Nurse said not to worry about it. Hoping the med adjustments bring up the numbers. 

I also ran into a snag. I didn't order the progesterone suppositories yet since there was a short shelf life on it and I thought I wouldn't need them until after a positive Beta test... When I called the pharmacy, they couldn't get me the suppositories until Tuesday of next week. I have some left-over suppositories from one of my IUI cycles that have not expired, so I'm using those until I get the ones from my pharmacy on Tuesday... 

PIO # of blood gushers to date: 3 

4dp5dt (2/26)   

I had a strange dream last night. It was the holidays and I had a newborn baby. My mother was in my dream and wanted to spend time with my kids (my son and new baby). Some background, I have not been in contact with my mother since 2008. I didn't grow up with her, as my parents divorced when I was 5 (father had custody) and we were never close/never really got along. There was some drama in 2008 and she cut herself off from my older brother and me, and we haven't heard from her since. So dreaming about her trying to spend time with my kids was strange. I guess it's because she always said she couldn't wait to be a grandma. Now, she is technically a "grandma" - but through her choices, she is not around to be a "real" grandma. Must be all the hormones or the potential to have my own birth child that has my subconscious thinking about my own birth mother.

A little secret, I have the picture of my little embie blastie on my refrigerator and also saved it as my screen background on my phone. My other embies on ice, I've printed their pictures too. I can't help but wonder who each one would grow up to be if given the opportunity.

I have to admit today was the first day that I started to worry if my little embie blastie has implanted... Started thinking about "what if" either way, what would happen next.

PIO # of blood gushers to date: 3 

Some cramping in my uterus... AF? Or embie implanting? Googling "implantation vs AF cramps" left me with no real answer. Lol. Google Oracle fail.

5dp5dt (2/27)  

I was supposed to have my last acupuncture appointment today. This session was supposed to focus on helping with implantation. However, my acupuncturist came down with a bad cold (the flu has been going around here), so she had to cancel with me. I was totally fine with that. Makes the day a little less stressful/busy for me. Plus more time with the boys. 

I've been contemplating when I should do a pregnancy test... I'm going to try and hold off until the day before my beta test. Let's see if I can hold off. I'm not sure how I'll handle only seeing one line, so waiting is better for me this time. 

Trying not to "symptom hunt" because I am on progesterone AND estrogen -- both have side-effects that can look like early pregnancy. But, still minor cramping, a bit of a headache, over tired, peeing a lot. Also, started sneezing, stuffy and have a runny nose. Hope I'm not coming down with something! 

My right side where I do my PIO shots is hurting and bruised up pretty bad now. So, I tried my left side - injecting with my left hand. Surprisingly, my leftie did pretty good! The aim was a little off & plunging was a little awkward, but I managed! Wish I would've switched sides before. I will probably stick with this side until Beta test... Which I only have 3 or 4 more injections left...

6dp5dt (2/28)

Only three more days until my beta test... Starting to have major doubts that it worked... I'm preparing myself for a negative result and looking up what a FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle looks like. I'll be surprised if I get a positive result, I'm having cramping that's very similar to my failed IUI's at this point in the Luteal phase. Wondering if I should've transferred both embryos instead of the one... <sigh> 

Just to note, my nurse told me to lay down for 15 minutes after inserting my progesterone suppository. Impossible on weekends! The boys and my dog, can't even sit down for 15 minutes. I set my timer and got up at least 5x's. 

I'm also very susceptible to crying! When a Paw Patrol episode gets you teary eyes, you know you're on too many fertility meds! Lol.

7dp5dt (2/29)

2 more days until Beta... I'm going to test tomorrow and see what happens. I am convinced that it didn't work. Had a hard time concentrating at work today, mind kept wondering back to if the cycle worked or not.

8dp5dt (3/1) 

I had a negative pregnancy test this morning. I expected it... Blood work tomorrow to confirm.

Next Up: The "official results" of this entire IVF cycle...

• 9dp5dt (3/2) - Beta Pregnancy Test 

For more details on my IVF process, see my IVF Calendar/Timeline.