IUI Cycle #2: HCG Trigger Shot!

Everytime I think about the trigger shot, I think about that song by LMFAO "Shots!"  Then it gets stuck in my head and I'm singing it like I'm at the club or something. Wish I was talking about one of those shots! The HCG trigger shot is not as fun. 

The HCG trigger shot is to help with the timing of the IUI. You "trigger" the release of the eggs from the follicle. All mature follicles (>16mm I think) get released. Then my RE performs the IUI 36 hours later. Some clinics do it differently, mine swears by 36 hours. 

I couldn't sleep last night! I kept dreaming that I overslept & missed my trigger time. Or that I messed up the directions. Or that I was missing parts. I kept waking up in a panic and checking the time thinking, "did I miss it?!! Is it 4am yet??!!" 

Sheesh, you'd think since this is my second time doing this that it would be easier? Nope! Still paranoid I'm going to miss my "window" of fertility opportunity. Worried that my good juicy 21mm follie will ovulate before trigger time. Worried that the timing is just off. 

Also, you'd think since I've already done the trigger once that I wouldn't be a total mess doing it a second time... For me, it didn't get easier mentally preparing myself to give myself a shot. 

Like last time, I prepared everything the night before & inventoried everything, making sure all was there: 

When I finally woke up at 4am & mixed the solution, it went really well - no nightmare mishaps came to fruition! The needle still looks dangerous and intimidating... 

This time I was able to plunge the needle in on the first try! "3-2-1, plunge!" while singing "Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, Everybody!" Lol, not really :) 

It didn't hurt going in. Once I started to depress the needle, I had a quick sharp burning pain - then was gone. After the solution was all in, pulling the needle out was easy. I then had a little bit of burning feeling again -- then nothing. I didn't even have as much blood as last time, I had a hard time finding where to put the bandaid! 

All in all -- not too bad. I could've done with a better nights sleep though!!! Paranoia that I would miss the trigger time was not fun! 

Great way to begin Mother's Day with a nice "shot" at making a baby. 

IUI #2 tomorrow. Praying praying praying.

IUI Cycle #2: CD 10, Mid-Cycle Ultrasound. The cycle is a GO!

These last few days off of Clomid have been very nice. It's been comforting having my emotions in check and feeling like the "normal" me. I've also been extremely positive since making the decision to move. I know it's far away, but it's nice planning for this positive step and it's gotten me out of my "Zombie" haze.

I had my mid-cycle ultrasound today. I have to admit, I am getting a little perturbed by having constant access to my vagina for "monitoring". Vaginal ultrasounds are not the most comfortable thing in the world. When they're looking for my "shy" left ovary, it is extremely uncomfortable. <sigh>

Joys of fertility treatments and medicated/monitored IUI cycles! I know that this is all necessary, so I don't really mind that much of course. But still. I never really imagined that trying to have a baby would be like "this": Medicated. Clinical. Costly. Emotional. All the appointments. I imagined more like: roses, chocolate, wine, big comfy bed. LOL, well, not "really" - but you get the picture.

I have to keep reminding myself of the "end result": Baby C in my arms! This will all seem trivial and it'll all be worth it.

Back to my mid-cycle Ultrasound appointment today! When I walked into the RE's office, there was a couple that was being congratulated and had a little gift bag - they looked so happy, I'm sure that means they had their BFP! It's the first time I've seen that in the office while I was there. I almost cried tears of joy for them, I can't imagine how amazing the feeling must be to get a BFP. So very awesome.

The purpose of the ultrasound was to check if Clomid did its job:

• Do I have any mature follicles? 
• What are the sizes? 
• How many mature follicles?
• How is my uterine lining. Lining needs to be good for the embryo to be able to implant.   

Every monitored cycle, there's always a "fear" of the cycle being cancelled. If there are too many mature follicles (Clomid worked too well) then = cycle cancelled. Maybe it didn't work well enough = cycle cancelled. 

The Good News: The cycle is a GO. 

• # of Mature Follicles: 1, maybe 2. Right ovary has 1 nice and big 21 mm follicle! The left ovary has a 14 mm follicle. RE said there is potential for this one to get big enough and release by IUI time. 
• Uterine Lining: 8 mm. Looks really good, per RE. 

How do I feel? I'm excited! The follicle looked really good on the monitor. The clomid did its job -- matured the follicle pretty good! I truthfully was hoping for more than 1 juicy follicle. But my RE seemed optimistic that the 14mm could be 16 or 18 mm prior to triggering - which he said is good. So, I may have two good sized follies in the running. It only takes ONE! Hoping that one of these is the one. :) Feeling really good about the progress. Fingers and toes crossed that magical baby dust comes my way on Monday.

Next Steps:

1. Trigger Shot 5/10 @ 4:15am. I'm triggering on Mother's Day, maybe that'll bring me some extra baby dust! :) 
2. IUI 5/11 @ 4:15 pm

Career Zombie Walker = Cross-Country Move Plan?

I've been working for my company for 11 years and in the same position for 5 years. Prior to this position, I would get promoted/move on up every 1-2 years. When I finally received my promotion to this position, it opened up an opportunity for me to become a foster parent. I work from home (no commute!) and I can work flex hours (if needed). It was the perfect opportunity for me to really start the foster care process.

I am forever grateful for this position. It's been perfect and I've enjoyed the work-life balance, the flexibility, the no-commuting aspect of it.

But here's the thing... I haven't progressed in my career. I haven't been promoted to a new role. I haven't even looked for different positions. This is totally not like me! I'm usually motivated, wanting to advance, seeking new opportunities, searching for new challenges.

That's when I realized: I've become complacent and comfortable in my current role. I have become a Career ZOMBIE WALKER. NOOOOO! I've been working my position and not really advancing in my career - just doing the day to day things. Something I said I would never become!

Why? Because it's easy! I'm able to be a foster mom. I'm able to do other things like go to the gym on my lunch break, run errands, take kids to appointments, have my appointments, work flex hours.

Easy. Convenient. Comfortable. 

The focus on advancing my career has been null and void for a few years now. That is not good. The truth is, there aren't many job opportunities in my State. I've been told by my manager that if I want career advancement, I would need to consider moving to some of our key "Hub" cities. For me, that would mean a cross country move from the West to the East.

At first, I was like "NO WAY! I'm not relocating!" I've considered leaving the company and finding another job somewhere else.

Why would I do that? I am a single income supporting my family. I make decent money. I have wonderful benefits. I have business advancement opportunities (just not in my State).

When I realized I was becoming one of those dreaded Career-Zombie-Walkers... It hit me! I need to start focusing on my career, on what's best for my family, and really start enjoying my day-to-day. I don't want to just "go through the motions"! I want to LIVE and LOVE my job! I also want to show my kids that THEY should love what ever it is they choose to do. As a mother, I have to lead by example and I have to make sure I'm showing and not just telling.

I don't want to be complacent. 

I don't want to be stagnant. 

What needs to change? I realized that there's nothing really tying me to where I currently live. Yes, I'll miss my dear friends, I'll miss the connections I've made here, and I'll miss my house (this was the first house I've bought).I made a pro/con list of moving and the PRO list wins, hands-down: That's when I decided: I'm relocating!

• More Job Opportunities / Advancements. 
• Cooler Summers 
• Comparable Cost of Living as where I currently live (I can live there on a single income). 
• There's affordable housing (I can afford to buy a house there) 
• Kids can play outside in the summer! 
• Nicer Home 
• More "space" at house (bigger lot sizes) 
• A positive change. 
• More "community" feel -- more connection to the community 
• It fits my "ideal home" criteria. A few years ago I had started building a list of where my Ideal Home would be. Surprisingly, moving to where my company is headquartered... fits the description almost exactly! Who knew?! 

Don't worry, I'm not moving today or even this year!!! I'm not that impulsive! I am a planner and thinker at heart. I need a roadmap before I do anything. 

Here's the rough-draft plan: 

1. Research new area. Find out which suburbs fit my "Ideal Home" criteria, school district ratings, and commuting distance to work. This is in progress, as I have co-workers that live there - so I'm talking to them about it already. 
2. Finalize Little Guy's Adoption. This is the Big biggie of them all. We are headed towards adoption, but he's not adopted yet! Once the judge signs the dotted line and he's my Forever Son, I'm going to create a timeline for the move, with concrete dates. 
3. Having Baby C.  It's interesting, I'm on this TTC journey and there's so much uncertainty around it. Will I get pregnant? Will this work? Will I have to pursue other options? So much uncertainty around it and hard to make concrete plans when you never know if your cycle is going to lead to a BFP or a BFN. The good thing about TTC is that I can be anywhere and still proceed with my TTC plans. I don't have to stay here to do it. If, God willing, I am able to get pregnant in the next few tries... of course, that would be another Big biggie to consider time-frame wise. However, it's not going to hinder me from proceeding with moving. Because people have babies everywhere in the United States :) 

This is a long process in the making. My estimate, considering all the factors, is that I'll move mid to late 2016. Time frame will be determined once Little Guy is adopted and if/when Baby C will be joining us. 

The for sure thing is: The move is going to happen. I need it to be able to squash this Career-Zombie-Walker. 

The best part of this plan is: it feels RIGHT and it feels GOOD. Once I opened myself to the thought of relocating, I had this euphoric feeling of rightness. Let the excitement and the planning commence!  

"You cannot swim for new horizons 

until you have courage to lose sight of the shore."

William Faulkner

IUI Cycle #2: Ode to Clomid

Last Day of Clomid!! Woohoo!!! 

For this cycle, I was on 100mg of Clomid for CD 3-7 (5 days). Last cycle I was on only 50mg of Clomid. I thought since the dosage was being upped, that I would have more side-effects. This is what I experienced (I'm not 100% sure that it is all related to the Clomid).

Extreme Moodiness - Don't mess with me! My moods swing from one extreme to another so quickly, you might get whiplash.

Short Tempered - Don't mind me, I'm the calm one that is serene & peaceful, then BAM - something sets me off. Watch out.

Short Period - My normal period is 6-7 days. This time, it was only 4 days! Crazy. Due to clomid? Hmmm.

Middle of the Night Pee - Really? I thought that was a side-effect of Progesterone. But it started happening again when I started Clomid. Ugh. 

No Ovary Pain - Last cycle, I had some pain in my ovaries while taking Clomid. I attributed that to the clomid "working". This time, with a higher dosage --> No ovary pain. None. Nada. It is actually so much different than last cycle that it made me worry that the Clomid isn't working... I try not to focus on that part of it. I figure I'll know more at my next ultrasound on Friday. Plus, I am trying not to WORRY about anything. All of this is out of my control, why worry? (easier said than done)

Hard time sleeping / Insomnia - It's interesting. Off of fertility drugs, I have a hard time falling asleep and then I toss and turn all night long. So, having a hard time sleeping isn't new to me. On Clomid, I go to sleep easy. Then I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm "awake" - instead of tossing/turning - I'm wide awake! Then have a hard time trying to go back to sleep. Happens all night long. Will I ever get some real sleep :( 

Hot Flashes - Not to leave out the wonderful hot flashes. I take Clomid with dinner because it's close to me going to sleep. The hot flashes happen with the Insomnia portion. Blankets on - blankets off - sheet on - sheet off. They're not hitting me as bad as it did in the first round though.

Trying to Conceive Time-Frame

Another thing I've been thinking about where TTC is concerned... The average couple takes about 6 months to get pregnant. That's healthy, normal, people. So, TTC as a single woman - I can expect it to take within 6 months. Which I suppose is why my insurance won't cover infertility until after 6 months... but that's another topic! And also why there's a bell curve on IUI success rates within 6 cycles.


I know it's different being single as I have all these additional costs with fertility drugs, monitoring, clinical procedures, donor sperm, etc. Yeah, it's expensive! But I guess it's normal for it to take a few tries before it works, even for the average couple. Therefore, I'm going to try my best not to fret. It truly will happen when it's supposed to happen! Crossing my fingers that try #2 is the one, but I know statistically there is only a 15-20% chance this try will work. Let's roll the dice and play the odds.

How Far to Go? 

Some other thoughts in the back of my mind are around if I would venture into IVF, Donor Eggs/Donor Embryos, or look into private adoption. This is all considering if the IUI's do not work. I'm not going to go down that rabbit hole right now... but it is in the back of mind on how much $ I'm willing to spend. Not only that, the emotional drainage that goes into TTC.

Truth is, right now I am 100% committed to seeing this TTC process through. I have no clue what that's going to look like in the end - but I feel like I would keep trying until it works. However, there has to be a logical stop point, right?

Trying to stay positive with this Cycle #2, but it's extremely difficult!!

I really enjoyed looking up Clomid and infertility humor :) Lots of these made me laugh because the Clomid ones are so very true. Made me feel better in a way that others have gone through this. I've been reading through blog after blog.

Praying for you Baby C, every single day. 

Little Guy Says...

It's so wonderful watching Little Guy grow up. Especially now that his personality is developing so quickly and he's starting to develop language. He is such a big boy toddler now :) It's hard to express the joy that I get from experiencing this time with him. Having him since he was a newborn and all the uncertainty around his health... to seeing him hit milestone after milestone and watch him figure things out. It brings joyous tears to my eyes.

Anytime I'm having a bad day, I just look into his little blue eyes and hear his sweet voice and it reminds me just how blessed I am.

One of my favorite things is good morning and good night time. When Little Guy wakes up, he talks to his stuffed animals - hugs - and kisses them. I like listening to him figure out words and see how loving he is to his stuffed animals. At good night time, he practices talking some more - saying things and laughing at himself, as he falls asleep. Last night I was watching him on the baby monitor and he was talking to his stuffed dog and said "Mine!" really loud over and over again. :) When he first started saying "Mine" I was a little worried, but turns out that it's good for him to identify things as his. Who knew?

Some things that Little Guy says: 

"Hi" with a little wave.

"Bye-Bye" with a little wave.

"No, no, no - Stop it!" wagging his little index finger. 

"Mine!" 

"Bless you." and pretends to sneeze. 

"Poo-poo" and points to his diaper. Then "Ew Poo Poo Yucky". 

"Pee pee"

"Mikey Mouse" and points to his diaper with Mikey Mouse on it. 

"Elmo" when he has the toy Elmo or book.

"More" while eating and hands me his plate.

"Gentle" when petting the pets.

"Help" this one was new today! It took me awhile to get it, he was saying "He-elp".

Busy May, Staying Distracted, & Vacation Countdown!

Last week was emotionally draining and just a blur of events.

• First, I had a big Toastmasters event last weekend. Which went extremely well! But it was exhausting - an all day event. Not to mention all the prep work that went into it. 
• Second, I had my first IUI cycle come back as a BFN. :( 
• Third, the court hearing for my foster son didn't go well. :( 
• Forth, I've started my second IUI cycle and started Clomid at 100mg. I'll save my Clomid stories for a different entry. 

All of that to lead into May events. There's a bunch going on this month: fertility appointments (including my second IUI - date TBD), appointments for my foster kiddos, another court hearing for my Little Guy, a Toastmasters conference to attend, and the biggie -- Hawaii Vacation!!!! 

After all the downers from last week, all the uncertainty with Trying to Conceive (TTC), and the craziness that is my Little Guy's foster care case... I needed to switch my focus on counting "cycle days", worrying about IUI success rates / how to increase your chances in IUI, worrying about Severance Trials... Therefore, I'm going to focus on my vacation that's coming up! Little Guy and I are going to Oahu, Hawaii on May 28th! 

25 more days until Vacation!! 

I'm looking at this as a "positive distraction". There's a lot going on in my mind around everything and I need a way to funnel all this pent up energy. I went to Google-verse and looked up "How to keep a toddler busy on a plane." :) Then today, I went to my trusted Amazon Smile and I SHOPPED. Bought a bunch of cool things to keep my Little Guy busy (hopefully) and entertained (hopefully) during our long flight to Oahu. If these cool toys end up being worthwhile distractible toddler items, I will blog about them after we get back. 

This isn't our first plane trip together. Little Guy has been to California (twice), Austin, and Florida. He was a lot younger on those trips and he's a busy guy. Now that the toddler months have decided to arrive early, I have to be prepared for optimal toddler entertainment. It is already stressful traveling alone with a toddler, not to mention the luggage, the logistics, etc. But I am determined to make this the smoothest trip we've had - meaning minimal meltdowns, food on the ready, sippy cup ready, and toys to entertain! Added plus would be for me not to sweat like a dog through the airport carrying my toddler, all these fantastic distraction items, pushing his stroller, and trudging his car seat along. 

All in all --> It felt GOOD to focus on something FUN!! To further enhance this "distraction", I plan to continue working on our itinerary of things to do and places to see. I had started it before I started my first IUI cycle and have gotten away from it. Time to finalize everything.

This trip was already planned prior to Little Miss arriving. Therefore, she will be staying in respite with her daycare provider while we are gone. 

I'm really excited to be taking this trip with Little Guy. We leave the day after the severance trial and after I receive my Beta results back... So, the trip is perfectly timed. Whether I receive positive/negative news prior to leaving -- I have this trip to look forward to! 

Aloha! 

IUI Cycle #2: CD3 Baseline Ultrasound

I had my CD3 Ultrasound. Which is basically the "baseline" ultrasound to check for # of follicles and if there are any ovarian cysts. My mind-frame is so different this cycle. I wasn't excited going into the RE's office. The way the week has gone, I have to admit I was expecting the worse. I was prepared for my RE to tell me, "you have a cyst and we are canceling the cycle." Luckily that didn't happen! 

The good news: No cysts! Yippee, something to rejoice about! I can continue on with this cycle. 

The ultrasound went OK. I have 7-9 follicles in my right ovary. They have a really hard time seeing my left ovary and were only able to see 3-4 follicles. My counts are getting lower as I go through this process, which isn't a good sign. At my original ultrasound in December, they were able to see 7-8 in each ovary. 

If I have to continue this TTC journey and end up with 6 BFN cycles -- I'm really going to have to think about the possibility of doing IVF due to my ovarian reserve concerns... But that's to be contemplated another time IF things go that way.  

Medication Changes

We discussed my medication and my RE wasn't very happy with my response to the 50 mg of clomid, so we're upping the dose to 100 mg of clomid this cycle. Everything else is staying the same: baby aspirin, prenatal vitamins, metformin, progesterone, and the HCG Pregnyl Trigger Shot of 10,000 iu. 

Moving Forward

I need to change my frame of mind. I feel like I'm so pessimistic! Feeling like I've already received a BFN this cycle when I'm just beginning! Sheesh. TTC really beats you up. You have all this optimism that is totally vanquished once you receive a "No, you're not pregnant" call. From researching around on "how to stay positive while TTC," there are a lot of tips and tricks to try to stay positive. But none of them are really working for me. I already stay pretty busy and have a lot going on in my life... work, my kiddos, Toastmasters... and I also make time to read every day. Yet, there's like this hovering cloud over me following me everywhere. 

I know I need to turn it around, but I'm going to allow myself to wallow for today. Tomorrow I'll pick it back up and start shredding that cloud to bring some sunshine back into my life. It's been a very emotionally draining week and I feel like I need to allow myself to "feel it" so I can move on. 

Next step: mid-cycle ultrasound on Friday, May 8 @ 2:30 p.m.