Hawaii Trip, Day #4: Beach + Graduation Party

We had an early start to the day! The graduation party was in the evening and I wanted to make sure we got some beach time in. Also, I wanted to make sure we got a nap in before the party! 

The day started off early. We got ready to go to the beach and went to ShoreFyre for breakfast. It's a little hole in the wall place that was featured on the Food Network and they were handing out flyers at the beach yesterday. 

They were BUSY! We got there about 7:30am and the line was really long. We finally got our breakfast and ate it at the beach (which was just right down the street). We then setup our beach spot and stayed here all day until lunch time. 

This was a good beach trip because Little Guy finally was able to play in the sand without freaking out that he was dirty! He really enjoyed playing. Still had a hard sell on going into the ocean though! 

The Graduation Party 

After we took a nice afternoon nap, we headed for the graduation party. It was ok. The food was excellent! The really bad part was that Little Guy fell and hit his head!!! Big scratch on his forehead and his nose. Ugh. It was so random. He was playing outside, running on the sidewalk - like normal.. then all of a sudden fell right onto his face! I was right there when it happened, nothing I could do to have stopped it. Other than that, the evening was uneventful. 

Best part of the day: Having breakfast on the beach. 

Worst part of the day: Little Guy busting his face. 

Hawaii Trip, Day #3: Ho'omaluhia Botanical Garden + Exploring Waikiki

I was excited for this day! On the itinerary: Visit a Botanical Garden. I researched a few Botanical Gardens and found that Ho'omaluhia Botanical Garden had wonderful reviews. I loved the pictures and decided that we just HAD to visit there. Figured, Little Guy can run around and see some nature.

Here is what it looked like:

How beautiful is that view! Little Guy had fun running around in the open area. Not many "No-No's" from me! We went by the lake, where they have a plethora of Koi Fish. Little Guy decided to eat the food instead of throwing it to the fish. But he loved looking at them and watching them. 

There's even a place to go fishing. Little Guy was too young for that though, so we settled for running around and feeding the fish. 

Afterwards, we laid out the beach towels and had a picnic by the lake. 

Everything was going well until it started raining. At first, it was just drizzling. Then, it started to poor! Like torrential rain! I brought an umbrella, but of course left it in the hotel room! Duh. Little Guy was fine in his stroller, it was me who get drenched. Like no joke - all the way through. It was tough pushing the stroller through the wet grass, but we got out of there when it didn't look like the rain would let up. 

Exploring Waikiki 

After we got back to the hotel after getting rained on, we took a nice afternoon nap! I know I needed it after all that adventure. After we got up, we explored Waikiki. Went up and down the streets, checking out some stores, had dinner. We ended up running into a performance at the beach with some Polynesian dancers. It was really nice sitting by the beach and watching some dancing.

Little Guy was dancing and singing. He was also trying to talk to all of the people around us! He went up to a guy and starred at him in the face until he looked up, then he started laughing and ran away. I guess that's how he makes friends! Silly boy.

After watching a few performances, Little Guy was getting antsy and we started heading back to the hotel. Here was the gorgeous sunset that day. 

Best Part of the Day: Having a picnic by the lake.

Worst Part of the Day: Getting rained on!

Hawaii Trip, Day #2: Waikiki Beach + Graduation Ceremony Day

The whole point of this trip was to attend a graduation for my friend's daughter. Well... it turned out to be a little dramtastic.

Before the drama of the graduation ceremony in the evening, Little Guy and I went "exploring" and found a little place right by our hotel called Keoni by Keo. It's a cute little place and we loved their breakfast!

Waikiki Beach 

After we had breakfast, we headed to the beach across from our hotel. Man, the beach was packed! We wondered a little to the left of the hotel to find a little area that was perfect for us. There is a little patch of beach that has a break in it - which makes the waves less intimidating for Little Guy. 

Little Guy didn't like the sand at first. It took him a little bit to get used to it! He also wasn't thrilled with going into the water, even with the small waves. After a little while, he seemed to enjoy the water and the sand a little bit more. I took it slow with him, not forcing him to into things and giving him a chance to adjust.

Even though the beach is right across the street -- imagine I'm carrying Little Guy in the carrier and have a beach chair as a backpack and a small backpack with me for beach stuff. Fun times carrying everything. I made it work though! 

We spent the entire morning at the beach then headed back to the hotel for nap time prior the graduation. 

Graduation Ceremony 

I won't spend too much time on this part, as it wasn't the most joyful aspect of the trip.

Some background: I had a falling out with some of the family members a few years ago when I first became a foster parent. Long story short, they didn't agree with my parenting style and said some mean things to me. Then, it got blown out of proportion where I ended up doing some big bad wrong that was unforgivable. I have tried to talk it out, but one of the family members refuses to talk to me about it. She also refused to acknowledge my existence and will ignore me at events. Very mature! On top of that, her children feel like they are unable to speak to me when she is around. I've known her kids since they were babies (they are now teenagers). I was really close to her kids. Lots of heartbreak and soul searching has gone into this for me, and I'm now "over it".

So, my friend's ENTIRE family came out -- including the one that has the drama with me. I wasn't really looking forward to the graduation events! I came to support my friend's daughter - not to have a dramafied time. My friend specifically asked me to come out for the graduation, which is why I came.

Well, we were all meeting at my friend's house prior to the graduation so we can all drive over together. Man... the tension in the house was thick. I haven't felt that "out of place" since high school maybe? Sheesh. I really could have skipped the graduation... but the whole point of the trip was to support the graduate. So, here I was in awkward-land. And yes, the relative ignored me - didn't make eye contact with me - ignored Little Guy too (which was even more annoying). Got to love immature adults! The graduation ceremony was even more strange since we were all in close quarters. Then, returning to the house afterwards -- the tension didn't ease. They eventually left, then I left shortly after them. It was just all awkward! I wasn't looking forward to having to attend the graduation party on Sunday.

This whole experience made me realize something about the entire situation and what I need to do next to let go of some of my past where these people are concerned. I'll save that for another entry though - no need to linger on it now! It's over (thank goodness).

Best part of the day: Hanging out at the beach with Little Guy.

Worst part of the day: hanging out at my friend's house. 

Hawaii Trip, Day #1: Travel Day - Headed to Oahu Hawaii!

Travel days... Not the funnest part of vacation, especially when you are traveling solo with a toddler.

Packing

First, all the stuff you need to pack!!! I have to admit, I'm a procrasti-packer. I normally don't pack until the day before OR even a few hours before. The reason? There's stuff you use everyday that you need to pack! Or last minute laundry stuff. So yeah... I didn't pack until the day before we left and wasn't finished packing until about 15 minutes before we left the house.

The Airport 

My home airport was easy breezy. My friend dropped us off at the airport, which helped so much. Then, checking in at Hawaiian Airlines. I have to say, I love flying Hawaiian Airlines. But what I don't like about it is -- they don't give you your seat assignments UNTIL you are at the GATE! THE GATE! Not checking your luggage, but at the gate. So, you have to check your luggage, go through security, go to the gate -- to get your seats. Weird! They wouldn't let me choose while doing the online check in or when checking my luggage. It made me feel rushed to get to the gate and make sure we had seats. As it turned out, we didn't have time to eat breakfast or explore the terminal - as we were already boarding about 15 minutes after getting our seat assignments.

We ended up getting a window seat, which was nice - since there are only two seats in the row. No need to worry about anyone else in our row.

The Plane Ride

We were delayed about 20 minutes. Other than that, the plane ride was relatively uneventful! Little Guy did amazing!!! I brought a lot of Toddler-Worthy-Plane-Distraction-Items --> Were they a Success? I'll have to do another blog entry after the trip on that... But some cute things: Little Guy called his Teddy Grams "Baby" and he was playing with the animal crackers and making animal noises :)

Arriving in Oahu 

When you fly to Hawaii, you have to fill out a form saying you didn't bring anything with you that is on this list before arriving at HNL. Well, apparently there were people on our flight that brought some "no-no" items with them. Therefore, we were diverted at the airport to another portion of the airport where the Sheriffs came on board to "escort" these folks off. That means we were delayed about 40 minutes on the tarmac. THEN, we were so far from the baggage claim!!! I ended up walking to the baggage claim (bad idea - it was so humid!!). Then, someone told me the wrong carousel number and I was waiting at the wrong one! Argh. Our luggage was the LAST pieces of luggage on our carousel. Not to mention, I couldn't find a luggage cart - they were all empty and no one at the airport (employees) would help me locate one. I got lucky finding one.

It gets worse...

Rental Car 

To get to the rental cars you have to take a shuttle. Well, there's no sign in the terminal to tell you that. So, I was waiting and asking some very unhelpful people (more HNL employees). For being in Hawaii, I have to say the most unhelpful people I have ever come across were working at this airport. This was by far the worse airport I have ever been to.

Imagine, I have a crap load of luggage WITH a baby and now I have to get onto a shuttle to pick up the rental car...! So now I'm waiting for the shuttle to come... waiting... waiting... waiting... 20 minutes or so? After waiting 20 minutes in the terminal to find out I needed to wait for the shuttle.... Grrr.

Then, the shuttle finally comes and are people helpful? Nope! They were pushing their way to get onto the shuttle while I had a crap load of luggage AND a baby strapped to me. Tsk tsk. Don't they realize they're going to have to wait for me anyways? Trying to get past me and push your way onto the shuttle is actually delaying the process. When we got off, I then had to reload all my luggage on a luggage cart. Does anyone help? Nope!

Mind you, it's not like I "need" the help. I can do all this myself (which I did). It's the point that people were literally watching me and not offering to help. Which is so odd! When we flew to Florida in December, there were people bending over backwards to help (even when I didn't need it). When we flew to Austin, the same thing - people were forcing their help onto me. It's just a different mind frame I suppose and something I didn't expect would bother me. Watch a lady with a lot of luggage and a toddler and not offer to help when you are just standing there doing nothing. To see this repeatedly makes it even more odd.

We get to the rental car place and then we have to wait ANOTHER 40 minutes just to check in and get the car! Oh my... I'm normally a patient person, but at this juncture I was getting pretty pissed off.

I finally load my rental car (with no help AT ALL from anyone!) and head to the hotel. My darn GPS took me to the wrong place originally and I had to re-map it while ON the Freeway. Not my finest moment, I may have muttered some not so sweet or nice word choices.

Arriving at the Hotel 

At this point, I'm exhausted. Absolutely bone tired and need a nice nap...! At least the room was ready and we were able to get in with no hassles. We stayed at the Sheraton Princess Kaiulani Hotel. The check-in guy was pretty friendly and nice. He must've thought I looked crazy -- I didn't realize my hair was sticking out everywhere due to the humidity and I was really unfriendly at this point, just wanted my key and to lay down for a little bit!

The good part is, we did have a "Partial View" of the ocean from our room. The bad part is, we are right next to construction!! It's really loud!!!

First thing we did was go to the beach! It's right across the street. Little Guy was scared of the waves and cried!!! We didn't go in the water, I just put my feet in.



Then we ate dinner and called it a day. I was tired. Do you blame me? :)

Best part of the day: Seeing the Pacific Ocean :)

Worst part of the day: The entire Honolulu Airport Experience. Worst airport experience I have EVER had. 

Court: Termination of Parental Rights. The Trial.

The trial for Little Guy's birth parents was on Wednesday (5/27). I've been waiting for this date since they scheduled it in October 2014. The date where they were going to decide if the Judge would be terminating parental rights (TPR) and if I would be able to move forward with adopting Little Guy. The actual case plan changed from reunification to severance/adoption in May 2014 - a year ago. So, to me if feels like a year of waiting.

About two weeks ago, Birth Father stopped making visits and said he "gave up" on trying to get Little Guy back. Then, the very next week - Birth Father (BF) decided he would start visits up (after missing/canceling 2 visits). So, I had no clue what to expect at the trial.

FCRB Findings 

I checked my mail the morning of the trial and I had received a copy of the Foster Care Review Board #3 report. To my surprise, it looks like BF arrived late and made a report to the FCRB. Here's what it said:

• He believes that Little Guy is well cared for by the foster mother. 
• He is aware that the foster mother is better able to care for and provide for Little Guy than he would be able to. 
• He believes that it is in Little Guy's best interest to be adopted by the foster mother. 
• He does not want to remove Little Guy from the only home he has ever known. 

When I read that I was surprised and hopeful. It sounded like BF was going to do what was in the best interest of Little Guy and putting him first... which is wonderful. It also looked like he might not fight the TPR.

Driving to the Court House  

When I was driving to the court house, I received a call from the Parent Aide (PA). She told me that she couldn't tell me what the BF told her - but that I should be pleased with the trial. This also made me start thinking that BF would not fight TPR...

I started crying after I hung up the phone with the PA. Just the thought that this "wait" could be over soon was overwhelming. Could it possibly be?

The Trial 

It was a weird day at the court house. The GAL (Guardian ad Litem) told me that there was a possibility that the trial would take too long (we only had scheduled a half day) and that if it didn't get settled today, that they would need to schedule a second day - which wouldn't be until October!! I was so nervous about that... that would mean TPR wouldn't happen for a few more MONTHS!

Then, the BF's lawyer wanted to talk to BF, so they delayed the hearing. Then they called the Assistant Attorney General (AAG) out and the GAL out to "talk". Then they called me out to "talk". BF said he wouldn't fight TPR. He just wanted to maintain contact somehow. I agreed to email and a PO Box.

Then Birth Mother's (BM) lawyer spoke to BM. BM said if BF wasn't fighting the TPR, that she wouldn't either. I agreed to the same: email and PO Box. She wanted me to guarantee "in person" meetings... I couldn't agree to that (for various reasons). Also, none of this was put in an official "post adoption agreement". It was just all oral. A post-adopt agreement would be discussed when I have an adoption lawyer and start completing paperwork and such.

Finally the trial started. Since the birth parent's weren't contesting the severance, they "denied and submitted" to the charges. The judge confirmed with them that they weren't coerced and were of right frame of mind, etc in making their decision. Then, the AAG interviewed the Case Manager. Then, BM's lawyer cross-examined the CM. BF's lawyer did not.

The Judge didn't "rule" that day because she wanted to review the exhibits to the case. It is expected that the ruling should happen within a week. What does that mean?

I get to move forward with adopting Little Guy!!!!!! 

When BF was leaving, I didn't really know what to say to him... I just told him I knew this was hard on him and said "thank you"... so lame! I couldn't find the right words! I hurt for Little Guy's birth parents... I know they love him. I am grateful that they finally did what was right Little Guy.

When I was leaving the court house, I cried so hard. I just couldn't believe it... this was really going to happen. I will get to adopt Little Guy. Not *if* but WILL. I WILL BE ADOPTING LITTLE GUY!!! I can't believe he's going to be legally my son. He feels like he's mine already, but to be legally mine... and not fear that he will be taken from me. I can't even express in words how that feels. I feel so blessed... so grateful... How can I get so lucky to be chosen to be Little Guy's mommy? Such an overwhelming feeling of gratitude.

What Happens Next 

• The judge needs to officially submit her ruling. 
• Once this happens, my agency can complete my certification of adoption (takes about 30 days) 
• I will also move into adoptions at DCS and get a new case manager. 
• Then, after I'm certified - I can get an adoption lawyer. 
• Then, I can request an expedited adoption date - within 60 days.
• Complete lots and lots of paperwork. 
• Adopt Little Guy! 

I'm hoping to adopt at the end of August or the beginning of September. 

I'm still in shock and still can't believe it... I've had Little Guy since he was 4 days old and the thought that I get to see him grow up fills me with so much happiness, it brings me to tears every time I look at him. 

IUI Cycle #2: Beta Test Result and Cycle #2 Postmortem

Went in for my blood work this morning (Beta test). I absolutely hate having my blood drawn. It was bitter because I know it's going to come back negative. Then to top that off, they couldn't find a vein in my left arm (my normal arm that is usually successful). So, I got stuck once there and she was "searching" around for the vein -- ouch!! Then, got stuck a second time in my right arm (usually not successful) -- that one worked. Ugh. Have I mentioned how much I hate needles :(

The Beta Results 

Received the call from my RE's clinic at 1:45pm. As expected, the Beta test came back negative. Although I knew to expect it, it still stings. It's hard to express in words how I feel. I'll try though...

In a way I feel defeated. I feel like I'll never see two lines on those stupid pregnancy tests! It feels like it will never happen. Like never - ever - happen. I know this was only my second try... and the IUI success rates go up with the third and forth try...  But knowing the stats doesn't make me feel better. I knew going into this that it might take a few tries. However, absolutely nothing can really prepare you for getting a NOT THIS TIME, YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT result.

It hurts. Each cycle there's so much hope, so much possibility for such a huge life changing event --> pregnancy. Creating life. Building my family. Then all the disappointment for this potential little person that could've been born in 9 months... all the hope squashed. Not this time. Not right now.

I think it hurts so bad in part because I really thought and believed that this cycle was going to work! I felt really good about it. Everything was perfect: nice follicle - good sperm count. There were days where I really believed "this is it!" that it was actually happening this time. The day of the IUI, I remember laying there with this certainty that this would be a successful cycle. I don't know where all that certainty came from, but obviously my instincts were wrong! Which also what sucks about the whole thing. You want to be positive and optimistic. Yet, you want to "prepare" for the worse. Really? How can you be positive and negative at the same time? Impossible. No "preparation" for a failed cycle helps you when you get the negative test.

Doubts 

Even though I've only had 2 cycles of IUI, I've been actively planning since November 2014 - half a year now. There has been so much I've put into TTC, love - hope - promise - time. It's almost like I've built this potential future in my head. With each failed cycle, the fear builds in my mind that this future -- the one with Baby C -- may never happen. It may never come to fruition. That thought scares me and I try not to say it out loud because I don't want to put that out there in the universe... But it lingers in the back of my mind that this dream, that this family I hope and pray so much for, may never become reality.

So, here I am at the end of Cycle #2 feeling miserable. I'll pull myself together and bring all that positivity back. But right now, I'm just letting myself feel the loss. Feel the loss of the dream of Cycle #2 being a success.

Plan A, B, maybe a C? 

TTC can be such a stressful thing because there is no guarantee at the end of all this that you'll get the baby you've dreamed about. The hardest part about being a Single Mother by Choice (SMC) is that in order to just GET here -- to start TTC and have a baby on my own -- I had to give up my other "dream" -- Plan A: getting married, having 2.5 kids, white picket fence, etc. I'm working on Plan B: pursuing being a SMC through donor sperm. Now, the thought of Plan B not working is terrifying... especially since it took me so long to let go of Plan A. I'm not giving up on TTC just yet or on Plan B... but the question lingers on the back of my head, "When should I stop trying?" Should I start mentally preparing for a Plan C?

Looking at the Positive 

Life off of progesterone is soooo good!!!! I stopped the progesterone on Sunday, so I've been off of it for two days now. I already have so much more energy! I'm more productive. I'm able to stay up past 8pm! I don't feel fatigued. My house kind of got in the "messy" state the last week of the TWW. I was just too tired to do anything. I was more productive the last two days than I was the last two weeks! Feels good to feel "normal" again. This is one reason I am not a proponent of drugs, even if prescribed. They just mess with you. However, I am aware that taking fertility drugs is my best chance of getting pregnant... so I'm stuck with it until I'm successful (or decide to move to Plan C - whatever that looks like).

My Light

Then there's the light. What is positive and wonderful about life... is that Little Guy has been extra sweet with me and cuddling with me. It's like he knew I needed that extra love and attention. Such a sweetheart. I am so blessed to have him in my life. I love him so much. The trial on his case is tomorrow -- which is another stress factor. But hopefully it'll go well and it won't be a stress factor anymore and will instead be the next step in moving towards adoption.

Luckily we have our vacation to Hawaii to look forward to! A week with just Little Guy and me. It's going to be wonderful. On the bright side of things -- at least I can drink while I'm in Hawaii!

Moving onto the next TTC hope... Cycle #3 in July. Let's hope for Lucky #3!

Next steps in TTC:

1. I scheduled a consult with my RE to talk about the medication protocol. Also to ask about IVF... not that I'm going to be moving to IVF now... but I want to find out if they'll even treat me (with my BMI) - in case I need to look elsewhere or need to put TTC on hold (if I have 6 failed IUI's). Scheduled for 6/15/15 @ 3pm. 
2. Take June off due to travel schedule -- Hawaii and California! 
3. Start back up in July for IUI Cycle #3.

IUI Cycle #2: TWW Confessions - Week #2 & POAS-Test-A-Thon

The final stretch of the TWO WEEK WAIT and the POAS-test-a-thon. 

The funny thing about the TWW... Week #1, there's all this optimism.

• "This is It!" 
• "This can happen!" 
• "I think it's happening right now!" 
• Imagining the BFP on that HPT (home pregnancy test) 

Week #2 of the TWW is a little more subdued and the doubts start sneaking in. Here are my ruminations and confessions for week numero dos of the TWW.


8dpIUI (5/19)

Some new symptoms (to add to the list): some cramping, a little dizziness, & I'm running "colder" than normal -- then will get really hot, all in spurts. I also have some sensitivity in my BB's (sorry if that's TMI! Just tracking! LOL). 

POAS-A-Thon: When doing fertility drugs it gets complicated testing early for a pregnancy test. They tell you NOT to test early. "It's only a few more days till Beta." Yeah... let me tell you, during the TWW those "few more days" feel like an eternity just waiting to know!

Yesterday, I started testing out my Pregnyl HCG Trigger Shot using the Wondfo pregnancy tests. I'm going to stick with the same brand, as different brands have different HCG sensitivities (learned that during Cycle#1 TWW!).

The theory is, test with FMU (first morning urine) until I get a "negative" test. Right now, I should test positive because the HCG Trigger puts the pregnancy hormone into my body. The "positive" line should fade every day. Once it is completed faded -- the HCG Trigger is out of my system. IF the positive line starts getting DARKER, then it *can* be a "true positive" test.

Let the Testing Trigger POAS (pee on a stick) Days commence! Last cycle, the line went away after CD 11. Today, the line was fainter than it was yesterday - could barely see it. I looked up the HCG "sensitivity" of the Wondfo and it's at 25. So, at least I know the Trigger shot HCG levels are decreasing. Maybe it'll be totally gone tomorrow?

9dpIUI (5/20) 

No new symptoms to add to the list (Thank Goodness!). Can I get any more side effects to progesterone... sheesh.

Secret Thoughts: I'm starting to have doubts this cycle worked. Like REAL doubts. I'm starting to think that I only have 2 vials left of my sperm donor... I originally was hoping to be successful early, so that I can save the vials for a sibling down the road (or at least have an option for it). My donor is sold out... I checked. So, there's no guarantee that if I'm successful that I'll have enough vials left to try for a sibling.

I know, worried about having a second - when I'm still working on TTC my first... but it is something I was really interested in doing, or at least have the option of doing. I suppose I could always use a new donor for a sibling... it's just not ideal.

Then I keep thinking that if I have 4 failed cycles, I'll have to spend another couple grand on a new donor. <sigh> I already have my second choice lined up... but I might look around more and maybe go through a different sperm bank to have more options. Will cross that road when it comes to that.

Anyways. The doubts are bouncing around my head like a ping pong. :(

POAS-A-Thon: Line is VERY light today. Barely there, had to really look for it. Looks more like a shadow at this juncture, which is good!

10dpIUI (5/21) 

Today I started getting small pangs in my right ovary area? A little bit like AF cramping. Is AF coming? She's not due for another week...

Today is the absolute worse day thus far of the TWW...! I am so tempted to test on a FRER... so, so tempted!! I was going to go out and buy some more yesterday... But I'm scared I'll get this silly picture if I did! The one-line monster. It's so weird how all your hopes/dreams can be dashed by seeing only the control line on a HPT.

Secret Thoughts: Still thinking that this cycle is a bust :(  Trying not to put it out there in the universe, but it's circling around in my brain that my next cycle won't be until July!! Feels like forever away. I have to skip June because of my travel schedule. I try to self talk and say "I am pregnant" -- but that's hard to swallow because there's a strong likelihood that I'm not. Only a 20% chance it worked, making 80% chance it didn't work. <sigh> TTC woes.

POAS-A-Thon: Today my Wonfo was defective. There was a strong/pink line in the wrong place. Luckily I've read about the Wondfo already and knew that there was a possibility some could be defective. This one obviously was. I am pretty sure my trigger shot is gone by now though. That's a good thing.

11dpIUI (5/22) 

POAS-A-Thon: I tested on a FRER today...!! I know, I should have waited for tomorrow, but I couldn't help myself! POAS-a-holic here! No self control. Seriously. It was negative. Like stark white - no squinter. So, I'm thinking I'm out this cycle and that I'm not pregnant... I have to admit, I cried pretty hard. I thought I could handle it, that I prepared myself for a negative. But "knowing" it didn't work hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't even think my first IUI Cycle I cried this hard or felt this disappointed. I guess I really thought this one would work....

This journey is hard. The disappointment of a negative test are the worse. At this point, I can't even imagine seeing two lines on a HPT! It's like this mythical thing that will never happen. <sigh> I'll test again tomorrow, just to be sure. I'm back and forth on how to stay positive through all of this. For one, you want to be positive that it "can" happen. But then you don't want to set yourself up for a big fall, right? Where's the happy median?


12dpIUI (5/23) 

POAS-A-Thon: Another BFN when testing this morning, pretty sure I'm out this month. Ugh. Going to schedule an appointment with my RE to discuss my protocol and see if we can get more aggressive, maybe start using injectables or switch to Femera (instead of Clomid)? Will see. It's more upsetting that I have to skip June! Delaying things even further... So disappointed.

13dpIUI (5/24)

POAS-A-Thon: still BFN. Getting AF cramps like last time. Stopped the progesterone today.

14dpIUI (5/25) 

The end of the dreaded TWW is over. Beta test is tomorrow to confirm that I'm not pregnant. It would be nice to end the TWW with a POSITIVE pregnancy test! Alas, it's not this time... Cycle #2 was a bust. 43.2 million sperm couldn't do the job or my egg was not good quality... No way to know for sure.

POAS-A-Thon: still BFN. Guess it's official...

I wish I could live by this quote! <sigh>

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, 

for he shall never be disappointed." 

-Alexander Pope

Toddler See-Toddler Do: May 2015 Edition

The kids are growing up so fast and developing language so quickly, I'm finding I'm not able to track it quick enough! Thought I would try to accumulate everything and add it into the blog in hopes to track some of these awesome milestones and language developments.

The Magic in Books 

Both kids LOVE "Story Time". After we brush teeth, I will say "It's Story Time!" Both kids will scream "YAY!" and run to the spot in the bedroom where we read, they will be giggling and laughing the entire time :) I love that they both love to read. After we read, Little Guy likes to take the book and flip through it by himself, sometimes trying to mimic my story telling voices. Super adorable.

During play time the kids will sometimes sit down together, side-by-side, and read their own books. In preparation for the next steps, going to possibly start working on POTTY TRAINING! We started reading some books.

Little Guy 

He will walk around and talk to the flowers and trees and say "Hi" and wave at them. How precious is that? :) 

When asked a question like, "Who wants to brush their teeth?" He responds "ME!" 

"Home" 

"Yeah" 

"Thank you" He's working on this one, only says it occasionally! He prefers "NO!" 

I will say, "it's time to go to the car". Little Guy will grab his toy car and say "Car!"  

"Please." He will sign it and say it (sometimes!)  

He is obsessed with cows and saying "MOO!!!"    

He will say "Light" and point to the lamp or when he turns on/off the light switch. 

Every time he hears a plane flying over head, he gets so excited. He will point and yell "Airplane!"  

"Mickey Mouse" but sounds more like "Me-Mow"  

 "Elmo" but sounds more like "Nemo"

Little Miss

Little Miss is working on putting 3 or 4 words into sentences. Which is pretty amazing considering when she first came to me she was only saying about 10-15 words in January! Here are some of her more interesting sentences: 

"I don't know."

"I hurt my back." or "I hurt my knee." or any other body part she knows. 

"Where'd it go?"

"Are you tired Mama?" 

"I pee pee in my diaper."

"Why?" About everything. 

"I go home Mama?" When we are out and she wants to head home, usually when she's tired. 

"I ni-ni now." When she's tired and ready to go to bed.  

Random Toddler Funnies 

• The kids were taking a bath and then Little Miss starts "blowing bubbles" in the bath tub. They both take swim class and that's one of the things that they're learning. Little Guy hasn't mastered that yet. When he sees Little Miss doing it, he sticks his entire face in the bathtub! The entire time they are both cracking up. It took him about 4x's before he just had his mouth in and started "blowing Bubbles. When it was time to get out of the bath, he kept trying to blow bubbles -- even when the water was all out! He laid down in the bathtub, with his mouth against the bottom, trying to blow bubbles. 
• Little Miss is learning to put on and take off her pants/shorts. This is in preparation for potty training! Well, she normally puts her pants/shorts on backwards. Which I don't correct, because I don't want to discourage her. One day, she puts her shorts on backwards and asked me "Pockets?"? She loves putting her hands in her pockets, but they were on her bottom because she had them on backwards. I told her the pockets were in the back. So, she puts her hands in her pockets (that are on her bottom) and walks around all day like that! 

Moving-Moving-Moving On My Mind!

I've been thinking a lot about moving. I'm getting more and more excited at the prospect of relocating! Right now, I'm planning for a May or June 2016 move.

Things I've been contemplating:

• Renting vs. Buying? Decision (for now): Rent. Get to know the area for 1-2 years before purchasing a new house. 
• Renting an apartment vs. renting a house/townhouse? This one I'm still contemplating on. There are a lot of benefits to both options. I've been looking at rental houses/townhouses and apartment buildings. The apartment buildings that I absolutely LOVE are a little bit of a commute... Not sure I want a commute while I'm renting. Also, it's a bit pricey. But it's almost like "resort living." Some even have dog-parks on site! Which would be great for my dog... But having a yard for my dog would be more "convenient"... Hmmm. 
• Drive Cross Country vs. shipping my car? My friend told me she drove cross country with her 2 year old and that her 2 year old screamed the entire time!! My Little Guy will be 2.5 at that time and he already has a hard time with road trips that are 5-6 hours... So, possibly driving cross country with just him, my dog, and me -- might be a bad idea! LOL. I'm going to re-consider this one when a set timeline is made. 
• To Toastmasters or not to Toastmasters, that is the question. I've been extremely active in Toastmasters for the last 3 years. I'm considering getting active in my new State as well. My company has a GREAT Toastmasters club! I'm definitely joining that one. But I think I also want to join a community club, so I can meet more people. Possibly get involved in District Leadership after I'm settled. My network of friends here is mostly through foster care and through Toastmasters. It would provide a great opportunity to start building a new support system. 

Now the big one!! Foster or not foster....? 

I've been a foster parent for almost 4 years. It feels like it's a part of who I am. Part of my identity. NOT being a foster parent just feels odd... At times, I think it would be great! No more visits, no more appointments, no more training, no more court visits, no more oversight. 

Then, there's the part of Fostering that has become a part of how I identify myself. I'm proud to be a foster parent! I have loved being a foster parent! It's given meaning to my life to advocate and help my foster babies. To just stop... It feels a little panicky. 

So, I started looking into agencies in the State I'm relocating to... and reading their policies. I called one agency and they were really nice! They said that I can "transfer" to the new State if my license is still open. I wouldn't have to re-take the MAPP classes. If my license lapses, I can re-open it within 1 year of closure without re-taking the MAPP classes. Anything past that and I'd have to start from scratch. Would need a new home study (of course) and to agree to their policies/procedures. They are also open to single foster parents - which is awesome! Seems like it would be a nice possibility to continue to foster... Decisions, decisions. 

Other things to consider. My life will be changing - a lot.!! 

1. Little Guy *should* be adopted...! 
2. I may have a new little Baby C or expecting a new Baby C (hopefully!!! Fingers Crossed!) 
3. I *may* be starting a new job shortly after my move (within 6 months - hopefully will find a good position that fits my strengths!). 
4. I'm going to be in a whole new State, away from everything and everyone I know! 

So, putting fostering "on hold" until I get settled makes total sense. Right? It still makes me feel like something will be missing... But maybe I just have to redefine things and it'll take me a little while to get used to my new life? 

Lots and lots to think about! What's for sure is, I'm REALLY excited about relocating!!! It's like fresh eyes and new look at what's possible in my life and for my Family C.

Swimming Class --> Toddler Style

Both of my Little Ones are in swimming class. Yesterday was an interesting day at swim.

Little Guy does not like swim class. He's been going since December and he's gotten a lot better, but he still has issues with transitioning to his swim instructor. He'll hold onto me screaming. Poor guy. It takes him about 10 minutes to get "settled" into class and then enjoys the rest for the most part.

Yesterday, Little Guy decided to have a BM right after I put on his reusable swim diaper!!! No fun. He thought he would "get out of" swim class and was all happy when I took him back to change into a NEW reusable swim diaper. I had to buy a new one. On top of that, I ran out of wipes cleaning him up! I'm usually more prepared than that, but was hoping there would be no more need for wipes! Luckily there wasn't.

When I brought him back to the pool, he started his little scream-fest-resistance. But eventually, he did really well! Blowing bubbles and working on floating.

Little Miss was not having a good day. She had an hour-long tantrum at daycare yesterday. This is the first time she exhibited the type of tantrums she's had at my house. I have to admit, I was happy about that! Glad to know that she has those tantrums somewhere else because it can feel like she saves them for me! She also did not nap - at all - all day. She's one of those kids that needs that afternoon nap and is out hard and will sleep for 2-3 hours.

Not having a good day, I wasn't sure how she'd react to going to swim class. She'll usually start whining in the car when I tell her we're going to swim. Yesterday, she seemed fine with it. She even voluntarily went to her swim instructor and got in the pool -- no whining, no screaming, no crying. She blew bubbles and progressed really well the entire class! I was so surprised, as that's a rare occurrence for her!

Then, it was time to leave and she refused to hold my hand! Started having a little temper tantrum on holding my hand to walk to the car. This happened the first week she was with me, but not since. I sat her down and told her that she was going to hold my hand to walk to the car, because that's what's safe. She can choose which hand to hold. Thankfully, she decided to hold my hand and walk to the car - I immediately started praising her for following directions and doing so well.

We had some incidents during dinner, she's started holding food in her cheeks... She's done that before, but she looked like a chipmunk. Something to keep an eye on. She's been having a hard time adjusting to visitations and acting out a lot. I think it's because she feels a "lack of control". Going to try to start giving her options (option 1 or option 2) and see if that helps.

Overall, yesterday was an eventful day at swim class! I am personally exhausted. :)

Foster Care Review Board #3 for Little Guy

Today, we had the Foster Care Review Board (FCRB) for Little Guy. I have to say, it was the quickest one I've ever attended.

• It started on time! 
• It only lasted about 5 minutes. 
• I was the only one in attendance (like last time). 

The FCRB reviews foster care cases and makes recommendations to the court. Since Little Guy has been in care for so long, this is his third FCRB. They happen every six months the child is in care. The CPS Case Manager, the birth parents, and the placement parents (foster parents) are all invited to attend and provide a "report". 

• As a foster parent, I give a report on how my foster child is doing, medical updates, etc. 
• CPS provides a report on how the case plan is going. 
• Birth parents provide a report on how they're doing to meet the case plan. 
• If foster children are old enough, they can also participate and provide a report. Little Guy isn't old enough to attend, obviously :) 

Today, I was the ONLY one to attend the FCRB. No Case Manager. No birth parents. Just me. Which is why it was so short. 

For FCRB #2, I was also the only one that attended and the Case Manager submitted a report later (that was added to the records). 

I usually love attending the FCRB meetings because you normally learn a lot about the case. But when I'm the only one attending -- I learned absolutely nothing. I didn't even get to hear the FCRB's recommendations because they wanted to wait to see if the Case Manager provided a report late. 

Some believe that the FCRB's recommendations do not have a huge impact on the judge's decisions. Some say they do. If the system worked appropriately with the "checks and balances" -- the FCRB's recommendations would have some weight on the case. 

Oh joy. Guess I'll find out when I receive the report in the mail. Since the trial is next week, maybe I'll receive it before the trial day. 

IUI Cycle #2: TWW Confessions - Week #1

Here we go, the TWO WEEK WAIT!!!!!

For IUI Cycle #1, during the Two Week Wait (Week 1, Week 2), I tracked my "symptoms" and feelings. I felt good doing that because I had a lot going on in my mind and it provided a good release for me. It also helped with my obsessive Google-Tendencies. Since I now know what to expect from the Progesterone... and the Trigger Shot... I'm hoping that this TWW will not be as stressful or crazy.

"These are my confessions..." I keep singing Usher's song in my head! :)

1dpIUI (5/12)

So the TWW begins....! Do you hear ominous music playing in the background? That's how the TWW feels at times. Today, I feel good! Just like a normal day... However, I know I have to start the Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories tonight...!! I didn't have the best reaction to it. The trickery side-effects that mimic early pregnancy signs are no fun. You get excited, but then think "Is it the progesterone?" Here we go, like it or not! I'm also going to start drinking POM juice again (Yuck). I was going to try acupuncture this Cycle, but life got in the way and there was no time to fit it into the calendar. Bummer. 

Overall, I'm feeling good! I figure, if the magic happened - it is already in the process... Trying to be optimistic, but with the real expectation that the TWW might not have any excitement at the end of it. For now though, I'll be optimistic - believe and pray that this *can* be it - that this *can* work. In the back of my mind I keep thinking, "This is it." 

2dpIUI (5/13) 

One day of Progesterone thus far. Not sure if everything is related to the Progesterone or just other stuff. But, here is what I experienced today: vivid dreams, bloating, tiredness, emotional, headache. 

Secret obsession: reading other Single Mothers by Choice blogs! Most of the ones I found have already had their children. I like reading back to the entries when they first started trying, how the TWW went for them, and when they got their BFP's :) Great knowing there are success stories out there. 

3dpIUI (5/14) 

Two days of Progesterone and now the "pee in the middle of the night" thing has started. Along with the excessive tiredness & vivid dreams. I went to sleep at 8pm and was STILL tired when I got up at 5:30am. Maybe because of my 2:30am wakeup call? 

Secret obsession: watching YouTube Videos on conception, IUI's, and the stages of an embryo. I've also been watching YouTube videos on others going through fertility treatments (IUI/IVF). Things have to line up so perfectly to get pregnant. It's a wonder that we have an overpopulation problem! How do people get pregnant these days and how are there so many people in the world? Conception is such a complicated science. 

4dpIUI (5/15) 

Same symptoms! Headaches have subsided some. Second night going to sleep at 8pm! Starting to get doubts that the cycle worked :(  But trying to remain positive. 

Secret Purchase: in trying to be positive with adopting Little Guy and with being positive with believing that I will eventually be successful with TTC, I bought this book :) Little Guy loves to read, so *when* it's time, we'll start reading about bringing a new baby home. 

5dpIUI (5/16)

Added to everything else, now I'm experiencing back pain...! If the month wasn't so busy I would be working out more. I need to really start getting back into yoga. I think it might help my back pain. Zumba is too vigorous while TTC, don't want to hinder implantation, so going to hold back on that for a little while anyways. 

I'm starting to feel like I have no clue if this cycle worked... TWW, you're killing me! 

Secret Confession: I've eaten at fast food places! I've had In-N-Out -- twice!!! Eek! My first IUI cycle, I was so good about eating. This time I'm just doing what I would normally do... Which just happens to be - I eat fast food a few times a week on busy days. 

6dpIUI (5/17)

Adding onto the the things I've mentioned (which have continued), today I started feeling congested and had a runny nose. I also broke out a little on my face! Which isn't normal for me at all. Darn progesterone!!! I'm not 100% sure that these things are related to the progesterone, but it's so easy to blame the progesterone. ;) 

Secret Confession: I got a pedicure last week and they have those massage chairs. I totally forgot that I read somewhere that it's not good to get a massage in early pregnancy. It wasn't a "real" massage! I didn't even think about it until the massage was almost over, too late by then. But it freaked me out a little bit that it may impact implantation or something. Overly worried, I'm sure! If it's going to happen, it'll happen... Or that's what I keep telling myself.

7dpIUI (5/18)

I am officially HALF-WAY through the TWW!!! Woot! Surprisingly, the week went by relatively quickly. I was pretty busy, so that helped a ton. Today, I am having some cramps in my uterus. AF maybe? Or side-effect to progesterone? Who knows...  

Secret Confession: Last time I was on the TWW, I admitted to being a POAS-a-Holic (pee on a stick). That hasn't changed. This time, the focus is to test out my trigger. I started testing it out this morning and it's still there (slightly). Like you REALLY have to squint to see it. One more week to go before I find out if this cycle was successful. 

It's hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up, when you know it's everything you want.

- Unknown

Distinguished Toastmaster Award

Tonight we had our "Distinguished Toastmasters" (DTM) Cermony. I joined Toastmasters in May 2012 right before my first foster daughters left. Toastmasters has been a great experience for me. At first, it was an outlet for expressing my feelings about foster care (good and bad). I was able to do speeches on each one of my foster children that came and left.

It eventually became my extracurricular activity, where I've volunteered hundreds of hours of my time & served as club officers, as an Area Governor, and a Division Governor. I've learned so much from my time in Toastmasters - my strengths and overcoming my fear of public speaking. Many of my foster kids came to Toastmasters meetings, contest planning meetings, & HPL (high performance leadership) sessions. Yes, you can be a single mama (or single foster mama) and still do things you love! 

Tonight, Little Guy helped escort me during my DTM Cermony :) He was all dressed up & he did so well. Compliments from everyone about how good he was and how adorable he is. It made the event just a little more special for me to have him there. He's my family. I also had two of my mentors, and vey close friends-that have adopted me into their families, escort me tonight. Very special night indeed. This is the main thing I will miss about here when I move next year, these special people that have become my family. 

It took me 2 years and 11 months to earn my DTM. I've gotten so much out of Toastmasters, I will have to share one blog entry on my Toastmasters experience one of these days :) 

Tomorrow I give my final report as a Division Governor and have just a few weeks left in my service... I'm looking forward to the Toastmasters year ending & getting to focus on improving other areas - such as possibly competing in speech contests & challenging/improving my speaking skills. 

Something Unexpected - Getting Closer to Permanency

I received a call from the Parent Aide for Little Guy today. The Parent Aide (PA) is the one that supervises visitations between foster children and their birth parents. Right now, Little Guy has visits 2x's a week with his birth father (BF).

The PA told me that at Monday's visit the BF said that he thinks he's going to give up on trying to get Little Guy back, that he doesn't think he's going to get him back anyways. He also said that he thinks he'll have a "good life" with me... 

Today, the PA picked up Little Guy and brought him to the visit --- but the BF did not show up. He also missed another meeting with the PA earlier today. The PA is thinking that visitations are going to stop now, as the BF has given up any hope of getting Little Guy back and isn't working the case plan. I should get confirmation tomorrow if visits are going to continue or not. 

The trial to Terminate Parental Rights (TPR) is in 2 weeks. It's interesting that BF has changed his tune since the last court hearing, which was only 2 weeks ago. So, I'm not 100% sure that BF is serious about this or not. He has a history of flip-flopping (i.e. doing really well, then doing nothing). If the BF does not show up for the trial in 2 weeks, they will sever his parental rights that day... 

Mixed Feelings 

I am elated and I'm also sad... 

I am happy because this can possibly mean a smoother ride to adopt Little Guy. He's already 17 months old and has been in the system for his entire life. Giving him permanency would be wonderful. Also, it's been a roller coaster ride for me wondering, hoping, praying that I can adopt him and not knowing if/when he will be leaving. If they sever rights at the trial, I am looking at possibly adopting him in August -- which would be wonderful. 

I'm sad because I know Little Guy's birth parents love him. They really do adore him. A lot of people can pass judgement on birth parents, it's easy to do... But that doesn't mean that there wasn't any love there. Adoption is not only a wonderful beginning for the "new family" -- it's also a loss for the child and their connection to their past. As happy as I want to feel about this unexpected decision by the BF... I still feel such remorse for Little Guy's birth parents. 

It reminds me of the time his Birth Mother (BM) cried after a hearing last year and hugged me for comfort. It reminds me of the time the BF cried after mediation because they were talking about adoption and not reunification. They love him and although they are not going to get him back... they did stick around this entire time (although inconsistently). Some foster children, their parents bolt and never look back. I have to say, that when I tell Little Guy about his birth parents, I'll be able to say that they tried and that they loved him dearly. 

What Happens Next

1. The TPR trial will happen. 
2. Judge needs to rule to "Terminate Parental Rights" for both the BF and BM. 
3. Once TPR happens, they will schedule a "goodbye visit" with the birth parents. 
4. Little Guy's case will get moved into Adoptions at CPS and he will get assigned an adoption Case Manager. 
5. I will need to get an adoption lawyer. 
6. My foster care agency will do my Home Study and do my certification to adopt (takes about 30 days). I can't start this process until TPR happens. 
7. Once my certification to adopt is complete, I can schedule an adoption date (after completing the loads of paperwork from the adoption lawyer and from CPS Adoptions Case Manager). The adoption date can be expedited to within 60 days. 

So, it's not over yet! As you can see, there's still a long process to adopt and the timeline is all contingent on BF not contesting the TPR. 

I cried pretty hard when I heard the news about BF... Tears because I can see the end to Little Guy's foster care life and see the "permanency" at the end of all this. I still can't let myself believe he'll be my Forever Son and that I will be able to adopt him. It's been such a long road of ups and downs -- to potentially have the end by SOON is surreal to me.

What's interesting is that I was having an emotional morning (I blame it on the progesterone!). I was crying and praying to God about my Little Guy - how blessed I feel to have Little Guy in my life, how I love him so dearly, and how I hope for him to have permanency sooner rather than later. Also, about how hard this journey has been so far for me. I also prayed for his birth parents. To get this news today... it couldn't have come at a better time. 

I pray the next steps go smoothly. I will continue to pray for his birth parents. I pray for my Little Guy. I pray that we can start our Family C together. 

IUI Cycle #2: 21mm Follicle+43,200,000 Motile Sperm=Time to Make a Baby!!!

I wasn't sure how I would "feel" going into the IUI today.  I was worried for a little bit that I would be so disheartened and bitter that I wouldn't feel the excitement about the "potential for life" that could happen today. Glad to say that that isn't the case! I have this strange calm about the whole process... however, I'm also super excited! Like this giddiness of anticipation. 


It's interesting how this TTC things works. The TWW from IUI Cycle #1 felt like FOREVER. Even just waiting to get to CD #1 felt like FOREVER. This time, Cycle #2, things seemed to be moving quicker.  All of a sudden: It's Insemination Day!

Prepping for My IUI 

IUI day is a little funny and interesting. I contemplate things like "what should I wear?" I know it doesn't matter in the long scheme of things, but I still think about it. It almost feels like I'm going on a date or something:

1. Make sure all grooming is done - people with lights are going to be down there! No, really - there will be lights shining on my "who-ha" so they can see my cervix. I think that might be one of the worse parts of the entire IUI process. 
2. Make sure my hair is cute! Haha. I know this one is really arbitrary, but if I'm already "grooming" - doing my hair next just makes sense naturally. 
3. Wear cute undergarments, who knows who's going to see them?! There are nurses and doctors and staff all around that teeny tiny room! 
4. Wear light make-up. No rhyme or reason, just that I'm "going out" so putting on my face first makes sense. Plus, I take pictures while I'm there to track the journey, want to look decent. 
5. Wear cute, but easily removable clothes - I usually go with a skirt outfit. Today I'm wearing a maxi skirt. 

Does all this help with insemination? Of course not! But it makes me feel better going through the process if I feel my best :) Plus, this *could* possible be the day that leads to the big biggie -- having Baby C. So, why not? Doesn't take much more effort than normal. PLUS, it helps me focus on things I can control and not on the things I can't control --- like the sperm meeting the egg...!

I've also contemplated saying something funny to the RE. Some of my friends recommend, "Was it as good for you as it was for me?" or "That was fast." Silly things. I'm too shy to make any comments like that though! I was thinking it might lighten the moment, but I think I'll be too nervous to think of anything funny right after. It would be nice if my RE said something reassuring. But he's in and out and done so quick. No time for cuteness, I suppose. Plus, there are usually female nurses in the room -- wouldn't that be awkward to say something so silly to the Doctor with them there! LOL.

IUI Time! 

I overestimated my driving time! Thought I'd run into more traffic than I did. I got there an hour early!!! I ended up driving around for a little while then going in 30 minutes early. They set me up in the lobby to watch some TV, gave me the remote to control the channel and all. Then, they said they were going to take me in early.

I go back into the teeny tiny room and am told to "get ready" again (remove clothes from waist down). I didn't do the insemisocks this time around. They are so quick at my clinic that last time I was in such a rush to put them on! So, decided to skip it this time. I did put my rosary on for good luck though :)

I then signed the sperm analysis report. 43,200,000 Motile Sperm!!! With 64% Motility!! GREAT NUMBERS!! I was very happy to hear that. I was able to get a copy and keep the vial the sperm came in as well.

I didn't realize I was so nervous... But when I put my feet in the stirrups -- my leg was shaking so bad, the entire table was moving!!! OMG, that was a bit embarrassing. I said, "Oh sorry, I'm nervous." I took a few deep breaths and he inserted the speculum... It didn't hurt last time - it hurt this time! Probably because I was so nervous. He then inserted the catheter and I felt a tiny tickle as it went through my cervix, then in went Monroe's Swimmers, all 43.2 million!!!! SWIM - SWIM - SWIM!!! Here's a picture of the catheter with the sperm in it already!!!


My clinic asks us to lay down for 10 minutes. I took 15 minutes, figured 5 minutes extra might help. I tried a new visualization process where I visualized the sperm swimming and meeting my egg and inseminating it. Then "Don't Stop Believing" came on the radio (they play music at my RE's office). I sang along and thought it was a good appropriate song for the occasion :) I prayed and prayed to God. Then I was out of there.

No tears this time!!! It really was "different" this time in a way, probably because I knew what to expect from the entire process.

How do I feel? 

I feel good about this cycle! I'm hoping magic is happening in my Uterus right now and that this is all going to work out. I know the odds aren't in my favor, but I feel good anyways! My Baby C will come when the timing is right and that *may* be this time!!! I am currently optimistic! 

Physically, I am feeling a little "full" right now and I am cramping a little bit, but it's not too bad. 

Next Steps: 

1. The dreaded TWO WEEK WAIT!!!! I've decided that I'm going to "test out" my trigger this time. I bought a bunch of cheap tests from Wondfo off of Amazon. Since the trigger shot seemed to stay in my system for a long time (11-12 days), I want to make sure I don't get excited when I inevitably decide to test early. Because let's face it -- I had absolutely NO self control last time!! I'm not going to pretend I'll be able to hold off until my Beta test. 
2. I begin the Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories tomorrow. Oh joy :(  
3. Beta Test is scheduled for Tuesday 5/26 @ 7:45 am. The clinic is closed on Memorial Day (5/25) - so I have to wait an extra day. The torture...! 

Dear Baby C, Hoping and praying for you! <3 

"The longer you wait for something, the more you'll appreciate it when you get it. Because anything worth having is definitely worth waiting for." ~Anonymous